Imitation is the sincerest form of Insult

I need to get this out so that I can try to move on. In true OCD form I've been completely obsessing over it, and I can't take it anymore.

Let's play the hypothetical game again, with not so hypothetical people, and a not at all hypothetical situation.

Let's say, I have some really nice kitchen items. To make this game easier, I'll say I have a beautiful fruit bowl, with matching salt and pepper shakers that sit beside it. It took me ages to find something this beautiful, unique and original in the modern style Hubbie and I were going for in the kitchen (remember, hypothetical!) So when we got it and put it in there a couple of months ago, we were like "Ahhhh." Looks good.

Now, about a month ago we had Mouth over with another couple. During the course of the visit, after she had been to my kitchen, she commented to me "oh, I like your fruit bowl, and the salt and pepper shakers. Really nice. Where did you get it?"

I was probably slightly thrown by the fact that she never really notices anything or anyone but herself, and it seemed she was giving me a genuine compliment for my kitchen things. I said quite casually "oh, from blah and blah."

I didn't think much of it. I later heard from Hubbie that the other couple who were over, well the woman expressed how much she really liked my kitchen things, and added "they're from blah and blah, yeah?"

When Hubbie told me this I was like "no! She can't get the same things as us!" But the knowledge that the shopping centre we got it from wasn't exactly local, kept me secure in the fact that she wouldn't go there by herself and get them. She could just safely admire them from a dsitance whenever she was at our house.

So I forgot about it.

Just recently, we found ourselves at this woman's house. Mouth was there also, and some other people. A couple of hours into it, Hubbie whispers to me "have you been to the kitchen?"

He has a weird look on his face. "What?" I ask, confused.

"She bought the things." He's smiling but I can see his expression is really wary, judging me and how I'm going to react. My mouth drops open as I realise what he's talking about. I'm gaping.

"Don't overreact. Don't make a scene."

I get up immediately and march to the kitchen. My heart drops when I get there, when I see MY fruit browl and matching salt and pepper shakers.

I am in absolute shock. She bloody went there. She went to the shopping centre, to the exact same shop and bought the same bloody things as me. And now her kitchen looks like mine.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I am completely deflated. Dismayed, upset, devastated, shocked. Hubbie reads my face as I come and sit back down. "Don't jump, you don't know the full story. Don't be upset, ok?" I'm wondering at his words, wondering what the hell extra there is to know that would make this situation better for me, but I try to push it out of my mind, not wanting to appear obvious.

Not too long after that, I'm talking to Mouth. And somehow, in conversation, she says "so last weekend I went to blah shopping centre with woman, to get those things at blah shop, you know your kitchen things?"

All the pieces are falling into place. But it's actually getting worse for me.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, we went and bought them."

The word we I'm having an especially hard time with. It's sticking out like a sore thumb in a sentence of fingers.

"You went and bought the exact same things?" My tone is dead, expressionless. I'm numb with shock.

"Yeah." Her response is almost questioning. As if she's trying to work out what my take is on all of it.

She goes on and on as my heart sinks deeper.

"They have good priced forks there, you know," she waffles on. (hypothetical forks!)

"Yeah," I say flatly. "That's why I like it there. I like to get good, different things that arent the same as everyone else."

There's a distinct pause. I can hear her thinking. Then, because she's a fucking tool, she continues unaffected.

Phew. I need to calm down.

Perhaps I need to give you a little back story, so you can understand my strong aversion to copying.

Growing up, I had a friend, let's simply call her copy-cat. Enough said, right? In primary school she would read off my work, and when I'd catch her I'd yell out "stop copying!" She would say back angrily "I'm not copying!" And yet she would still do it, peering over my arm which I tried to protectively cover my work with.

All my friends knew. When she was near them she would try to copy their work too. But because my regular seat was next to her, I got the brunt of it.

Copy-cat and I went to the same high school. Here, I didn't have as many classes with her, but the rest of my friends there soon found out how she was, and again she was accused of copying. The annyoing thing with her was that she would copy you, and then make her work better. That was the aggravating thing. That and obviously denying that she was even plagiarising our work.

It was easier for me in high school, knowing my friends there could see what I could see. But then as I thought I lost her annoying habit, I gained the same habit in someone else. My cousins Legs and Hair.

Now I absolutely love them to pieces, I really do. But there was a time when I was growing up, and them being younger than me and looking up to me of course, that they would imitate me. They liked the things I liked. They dressed like me. And on and on. At one stage one of them confided to me that their own grandmother said to them "You should be more like Miss S." Although I was only 14 at the time, I lost it when I heard this. "Screw her! Don't be like me, or anybody else, be your own person!"

And they did, and I'm so proud of my adopted sisters for what they have grown into.

But what I'm trying to show here is that I had a lot of copying of me over the years, copying that scarred me, and that has made me want to be completely original, different and unlike anybody else. The more people copied me, the more I shied away and tried to be even more original and unique.

So that, on top of the fact that I have to mentally imagine kicking Mouth like a football far off into the distance just to get her annoyingness out of my head, has got me so unbelievably pissed off that you can't imagine.

I can't believe, that she went and bought the exact same things as me. She not only went into the same shop (which is fine) but she bought the exact same things! Has she no shame? Is she not embarrassed, does she not feel pathetic? I would be completely ashamed of buying the exact same thing as someone else, and then have them come into my house and see that I've copied them. How shameful! Shame, shame, shame.

The reason I'm not having a go at the other woman - though I am still upset! - is because Hubbie said to me not to be. She's older, and she looks at other people for home ideas. She doesn't know. I exhaled loudly when I heard this. I'm still exhaling. I wanna do it for him, but it's not easy. I would do anything for him though.

But Mouth. Mouth is younger than the woman. She's older than us. (Another shameful thing, copying people younger than you) She should know better. When the woman called Mouth and said "I want to get the same things as Miss S," Mouth should have said "No, that's embarrassing, we'll go and get something different."

Mouth, the same Mouth who would have a go at someone for copying her. The same mouth who only ever praises or talks about herself. The same mouth who never gives anyone recognition. Do you think when guests comment on her kitchen things that she's going to be honest and say "I copied Miss S' style"? No! No she won't because she is a narcissist!

Argh! I'm so furious. I can't take it. The saying about imitation being flattery, is a load of bullshit. It's not flattery for someone whose suffered the effects of people trying to steal her style for only HER ENTIRE LIFE.

It absolutely boils me to my core. Do not copy me! Especially you, Mouth! I can't stand it, I'm absolutely fuming with anger.

Hubbie and I don't have the biggest house. But with what we have, we try to make the best of it, and put really fine touches to our house to make it unique. We buy quality items, interesting pieces, and all the furnishings show attention to detail and careful planning. Both Mouth and woman have big, new houses. Do they have to take the one thing I have, my style? Do they want that too? What else do they want from me, my life?

Leave me with the one thing I have, please. Leave me that. But no, they had to take it. SHE had to take it.

These obsessive fiery thoughts would not stop going around and around in my head yesterday. I had to talk to Sis. She is awesome, she is so awesome that my next post will be about her, to counteract the angst that is Mouth and everything about her that I despise.

Sis helped me. She tried to get me to see it in a different light. She suggested the conclusions that Hubbie and I had already come to: that we don't tell them where we buy our things in the future - we be vague if ever asked; and that this whole situation was a lesson learnt for the future. She didn't see it in the way I did, because she says she's had a friend copy her thing, and she's even copied another friend for something. But see, it's the way you go about it. My sister is very honest, and would admit to the person how much she loved it and that she was intending to buy one for herself. Mouth however is sneaky. She gives me praise - just enough - but not so much that I thought she really liked it. Then she organised a shopping day with woman, they went off and bought it without a mention of it to Hubbie and I. When it was too late, it was all bought and done.

Hubbie agrees. He's not so hung up on it as I am, but when I asked him, he admitted "I'm spewing." He didn't have to have someone copy him his whole life to make him want to be original and have different things. It's so annoying.

You know what else? We have this other 'kitchen item' a 'coffee machine' (not really, still hypothetical!) that she's asked us about, and I've said that we've bought it in a far-off region. She also knows that some of our other home furnishings are from that 'far-off region.' Guess where Mouth and her family went a couple of weeks ago? To the far-off region! What, you need another coffee machine? Get your own fucking style you leeches!

Geez, do they want to copy our whole house? The thing that peeves me off, is as I said in reference to my Sis, they're not honest. Admit you like it. Say it out loud and MEAN IT. Unlike them, who often snub their noses at things we've seen, things we've bought, and things we've done (like going to the far-off region) and then they explode with fireworks and expect you to shower them with attention when THEY GO!

I know, I know. Narcissists, in every sense of the word.

We're actually going to find a whole new, different, unique and original fruit bowl with matching salt and pepper shakers. In a couple of months we're going to a similar far-off region, and I'm going to go into as many shops there as I can, and find something bigger and better. (See how we have to buy something different because of other, annoying people?)

And THEN when they say "oh, you have different ones?!"

I'M going to say "yes, I like to have truly original pieces unlike anything anyone else has."

And I hope that that boils her and makes her feel PATHETIC. Copy cat.

What I hope for most? That after this realisation I make her come to (and I will) that she will always see my face in her fruit bowl and salt and pepper shakers. Forever.

And I hope she can live with herself for that. Because denial doesn't ever change the fact.

The 4 rules of train etiquette

1. Ensure that you are clean and fresh before embarking on your journey. Do not expect to be welcomed, smiled at or have any kind of civility directed towards you if you have the strong stench of B.O enveloping and following you wherever you go. That is just not cool man. Have a shower for freak's sake.

2. Do not talk loudly on the train, either to your pretend fun friend on the phone, or to the rest of your posse friends who you think actually like you, but are actually, just, tolerating you. You annoy the people listening to their ipods, as the shrill volume of your voice actually breaks all headphone barriers, (yes it does, you hyena) and for the others trying to read or sleep, well you bug the hell out of them. We don't want to know about how you can't eat salt and vinegar chips (really, I don't care whether they make your eyes water or not; they taste good, you soft, poor excuse for a being!) We want to other read about Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in peace, or escape to our fantasy world's and go to the far-away land of slumber, where snacks aren't the be-all and end-all of our existence. Shhh.

3. Do not invade the personal space of others. Do not brush up against them. Do not breathe down their neck as you try to read the book they have open before them. Don't spread out all your crap so that others have to do long jumps to get out of the train. If you don't know the other passengers, don't act like you share the same bed with them, otherwise you will be assumed a stalker, you creepy weirdo.

4. Do not stare. Didn't your mother teach you that? Oh sorry, I forgot you've never seen a women with boobs before. You come from another universe where only men and their penises exist.
And for the women, do not look up and down. Do you not have my bits?
Any starers can be expecting a slap, or a greasy at the least. Really.


By adhering to these rules you will be ensured a safe, happy and comfortable trip to your destination. Thank you for your time passengers. We look forward to you travelling with us next time (except for the dirty, loud, creepy oglers....)

2011: The Year In Review

This past year has been interesting. It has been unexpected at times, trying at others, and above all else a great learning experience. In retrospect, with all the new things that came into my life, whether I initially embraced them or tried to shut them out, I now believe it was all for the best.

Yesterday when I was trying to remember what my resolutions for this year had been, there was only one major one that stood out to me: And which I proudly with the widest smile can say I have given my all. That I will get to later:) However I find it hilarious that I had to think of my resolutions and could only remember one of them, having kind of forgotten the rest. Or had I? As I look through the list to see what I had achieved, although some were far from mind, the opportunites to take these things on board were definitely there, lingering.....


To read, HEAPS more.

Yes, yes and yes. Hold on there was only one point. I guess my point is to emphasise that I did take this on board whole-heartedly. I finished reading several self-help and law of attraction books, have started on "The Celestine Prophecy," started and finished "Persuasion," half-way through that got half-addicted to Jane Austen, am now almost finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am definitely addicted to Jane Austen. It may not seem like much (and I do feel I am missing a book somewhere) but compared to the NO BOOKS I was previously reading (or not reading if that makes sense, though I don't think it does) it is a lot, as all I used to previously read was mags and catalogues, which is really quite pathetic if you have to count that as literature. So I, am no longer, pathetic!
Ha ha.
Oh, and although I didn't work out the blogger, listing books, ticking them off thing, I've still succeeded with my main point, so there :P


To complete my first book by the end of the year.

Well, although I am not finished with this huge task, I am so proud to say that I am up to writing chapter 12 of my planned 14 chapter book. Last night I was writing and had to go back and check some stuff I'd written (I've written so much I forget what I've created!) and once again, as has happened on several other occassions, I was really pleased on reading back certain passages. I will need to revise and re-word quite a bit once I've finished my first draft, but considering I've had no formal training (other than my informal blogging of course :) ) I think I've done quite well.
AND, considering that I didn't actually start writing my book 'til the very end of Feb, I figure my resolution should be modified to extend to the end of Feb' 12: which is in fact when I plan to have the draft of my first book completed by. All is on track.
:):):)


To get fit.

Fail. Ok, well at first I went "fail, massive fail." But then I realised something. Yes I may have started the year off playing basketball with Hubbie a lot, running up and down basketball courts and what-not, with the attempts slowly dwindling to doing NOTHING of the sort. I could use genuine excuses to explain myself. Hubbie's busier schedule and starting a new job; me getting sick at one stage which removed me from all outdoor activities all together with no planned return to them - yes I could use these as an excuse, but I won't (even though I just did). If I had really wanted to do exercise, I would have found a way, no buts about it.
But then I remembered. Due to Hubbie's new job in the last couple of months this year, and the fact that he needs my car to get to and from work, I've been using the train pretty much every single day.
In the morning I walk 10 mins to work from the station. When I finish I walk 10 mins to the station. Then when I get to the station at home, I walk home for 25-30 mins, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
That's every day of the week I work. Now that's a good effort.
So, I have half-committed to that resolution too, though unintentionally:) I could be lazy and wait 15 mins for the bus to take me home, but I start walking. Procrastination eat your heart out.


To improve all my relationships, full-stop.

This is a tricky one. Grey in some areas, as most relationships are. People who I've in the past been distant with, or who I've been angry with, I've now grown closer to, or have a new-found respect for. Others, who I have struggled with in the past, I still continue to struggle with even now.
Over Christmas I tried to put my extreme dislike of one person behind me, just for the day. It worked, and I managed to see them in a somewhat positive light. But then like today, when I remember the shit petty-ness, insecure mind games and arrogance I've received from them in the past, my anger fuels up again and I feel really mad. It's not black and white. Nothing in life ever really is. But the fact that I'm trying to learn, trying to move on, and trying to accept the fact that in order to solve your relationship problems you need to change yourself, tells me that I've made some progress.
Grrr. Changing myself at the ignorance of others just shits me. I'm not the problem. But often in life you've got to swallow your pride (and let Karma take care of the rest....)


To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development.

Yes. Simply put, yes. Through all my reading and thinking and my daily work calendar full of quotes like "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus.


To enjoy life.

This one I completely forgot I wrote down, yet this is the one that must have stayed subconciously in my mind, because this one I, we, have definitely achieved.
We have stepped it up a gear. One of our motto's is "work hard, play hard." We don't always get a chance to do what we want, what with work, family commitments, and other occasions that take up our weekends. So when we do get spare time, we go all out. It may not be big to some, but to us we take extreme pleasure in it: buying coffee whenever we go shopping; eating big and well at very decent restaurants; spoiling ourselves on quality clothes; buying unique and different furniture to furnish our home. We spend a bit more, because that's the kind of life we want: one consisting of quality. Not in the future, but from NOW. Starting from right now.
And we have been doing it, for about 6 months now. Going out, splurging, exploring the town and just smiling. Life is now. You don't wait for tomorrow to enjoy it. That's what we've been doing. Any spare moment we get we enjoy it to the fullest potential, so that when we return to work the next day we don't feel pity for ourselves in seeing someone sitting and relaxing in the sun, and enjoying a coffee at an exclusive cafe.
(Yesterday we had chocolate drizzled cappuccinos and shared a huge waffle for two, drizzled also with chocolate, with side accompaniments of ice cream, strawberries and banana - and today I'm ok with being back at work :) )


Ok, enough reflecting, now for my 2012 Resolutions!


1. To finish the first draft of my first book by late Feb, and by the end of the year have it published with a reputable publisher, with the intention of writing more books in the series for that publisher. This is my first and foremost resolution, it is direct because I know exactly what I want. I'm more than half way there. It WILL happen!

2. To continue to read more, especially in ways that will help along with my writing, and also to read books that will continue to help me better myself spiritually. This is a two-fold resolution. So we'll go to 4.

4. To do some form of exercise ( I have to sigh at this resolution ) however in particular I want to zone in on my arms and make them more toned. I have a goal in mind, as Red has some arm exercises she has to give me in paper form. As soon as she gives them to me, (hopefully soon!) I start! As for the other general exercise, hopefully I will do Zumba with my at-home DVDs, if I can't make myself apply to yoga classes. Yes, as far as resolutions go, my tone in this one sucks, but hey, I have to try, true?

5. To continue living life with Hubbie to the full in every way, shape and form.

6. To continue thinking, believing and LIVING the law of attraction, both for myself and in unison with Hubbie. Although he says I inspired him, some things he has achieved of late have inspired me so much that I want us to continue on this enlightened path, aware that all that we want and aim for in life, we will have.

These, my friends, are my wishes and hopes for myself, and I wish you, all the same happiness, love, health and success that you so rightly deserve.

"Look, I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you, my kind of success."

- (Best ever end-of-movie quote! 'Jerry Maguire.')

The 'But' Ones

WARNING WARNING WARNING.

Please be alert, alarmed, and on the lookout for the 'But' ones.

No, I am not channelling Sir Mix-a-Lot, this has nothing to do with derrieres.

It's everything to do with another category I like to call 'annoying people.'

There aren't many out there, however when in contact with one, it's important to know what you're looking for so that you can make a quick escape. If in contact with more than one, I suggest you run screaming for the hills.

Identifying factors of this minority group include phrases like this:

"But I think you should have done this."

"But you should be upset with yourself, not her."

"But what about your travel time?"

"But what if he takes you for a ride?"

"But that doesn't matter."

"But that's wrong!"

As you can see from the above, the clearest most identifying factor of this sub-category annoying group is the use of the word 'But.' Not only do they use the term at the beginning of all of their sentences, but the conclusion and intention of all their words is to oppose whatever it is you are saying, no matter what it is.

Other identifyings attributes of this group that don't necessary include the word 'but,' however are minor clues that you may have a problem case on your hands, include:

- vague acknowledgement of your acheivements, to the point of a faint nod or changing of the topic

- turning the attention back to themselves after you've finished speaking, every chance they get

- an arrogant, superior attitude, that they are more experienced/smarter/better than you are

All of these identifying traits point to a species that needs to downplay the acheivements, views and general preferences of others in order to retain a sense of self-worth and importance. They are a highly immature species, their developmental stage seemingly stuck in an adolescent period; this is why they are unable to praise or give attention to others, they are highly selfish and want it all to themselves.

Their irrational behaviours stem from a deep insecurity that they are not important enough: their lack of development means it is especially unlikely that they are able to progress through this vulnerability on their own terms, and any support or guidance offered to them by others to help change will only be strongly refuted, as they are very stubborn, in keeping with their adolescent traits.

Due to their impossible natures, they are only ever able to find another 'But' one as a mate. Subsequently, together these mates may or may not produce further 'But' young. Here the chances are 50/50 that the young will follow in their parents footsteps. The young who are brainwashed from little will have little chances of escaping the domineering attitudes of their parents. The others may break away from their parents' pull in their teenage years, in the heartbreaking realisation that their parents are too egotistical, domineering and uptight to deal with. These courageous ones will be away to get away and make a brand new life for themselves, and will live their lives as a polar opposite to what they've been told growing up.

It is with the latter young group that we hope the future will be. As 'But' one mates with 'But' one, and they produce potential 'But' young, we can only hope that the young will have the hindsight and smarts to object to their parents rules, and make a fresh start for their generation.

The only hope is for the extinction of the 'But' ones. They are too impossible to manage. In hoping for a Darwinian-type world, a slow phasing out of their kind, via their young turning their backs to them, will be the only way to escape.

Extinction is the key.



And now to counter with a dose of, what else but....

It's harder than it seems....

So, I haven't been around much. I know that although A LOT of the time that I am busy, I still have the chance to blog while at work, but unfortunately, that too has been super-crammed-in with stuff going on.

You know when you haven't written in so long, that you don't even know what to write anymore? Yeah, that's just because
A) you can't remember where to begin, and
B) I feel most of my creative energies going towards my Story :)

Yes, that has happened my dears, I always knew that once I started writing my passion, my blog would ultimately suffer. I don't want to be one of the endless bloggers out there, who when you click on 'Next Blog,' you see their last update was in Dec '08. No thank you. If I decide to conclude my blogging, my last entry will be just that, my last, and definitely conclusive. But that day isn't here yet, and if it were up to me, I will do this as long as I can. Away from my diary writing days, this is the closest free therapy I can get :)

So as I have no clear beginning for this blog post, therefore there will be no end. Free blogging I call it - let's go!

* Because he is in my direct view as I speak, I'll begin with no-show boy: he's pissing me off again. Just the other week, on a Wednesday, (only 3 days after he came back from a whole MONTH of annual leave mind you!) I deliberately told him that I was having the upcoming Friday off, you know, as a GENUINE RDO. There was a little voice in me that said "careful Miss S," which I obviously ignored. Well lo and behold, I come in the next day on Thursday, and he has conveniently called in sick! He always does this! He takes it upon himself to take sick days when he feels he is 'due' only because others are having their days off! Hey, we deserve them..... and it's not fair because he still gets his RDOs! Grrrrrrr!

And he is always sick. That's the thing. He is not genuinely sick, the kind of sick I get maybe 2 to 3 times A WINTER. No he is 'sick' at least once every few weeks for the entire year..... and you know what his excuse always is? "Oh, I slept only 3 hours, and then I was absolutely f***ed getting up...."
Really? You were totally screwed with only 3 hours sleep? Nooooo, you don't say! Maybe quit smoking pot all night, and then you might actually get some shut eye! And believe me, I'm NOT making that part up.
Ha. Taking it upon himself to MAKE himself sick because he is due a day off. My arse you're due.

Today even, being a Monday, he has come in not only 30 minutes late, BUT has been sniffling and blowing his nose ALL DAY. It is really disgusting when you are eating and hearing someone breathe in their snot in a continuous motion. It's not nice. And I can't really feel sorry for him, knowing it's self-induced. Sorry mate, I know you want me to turn to you and say "ohhhhh, no-show boy, you should go home, you've been sick all day!"
No way. Not when you're always sick. You know those people, who are ALWAYS sick, always complaining of something? Well there are these things called vitamins dude. Take them. Don't forget to quit the pot either.


* Well, it's certainly harder than it seems, let me tell you. The writing that is. There is sooo much to think about: characters, what they will say, is what they're saying in character, am I progressing the story too much, am I not revealing enough, AND THEN I'm constantly re-evaluating where I am in the story and making sure I'm still on track and writing with my primary story goal in mind. Phew!

I love it, and when I get into it, it's great. I've laid down some rules, such as I must write on Thursdays, AND most Monday nights. I think it is way too hard to find time on the weekend, when those days end up being catch up days for all things house-related, as well as generally being a time that you wanna just have fun. It's just that I haven't even finished a chapter yet - as I write, I realise I need to research certain things, and it makes it actually impossible for me to continue unless I do that. I'm hoping once I get over the 1st chapter hurdles, I'll be on my way, and moving a lot quicker and smoother.

Oh yeah, and every time I read my first few paragraphs, I totally lose focus: proof that I've read it too many times. It scares me at first, because I wonder in panic "why am I zoning out?"

Ahhhh, writing is pure torture. Yet I still love this kind of torture.


* I've realised/decided that meditation is the key. Especially when dealing with annoying people. In an effort not to want to mention names, even fictional ones I've created to disguise real people, I'm simply going to say 'annoying people' here. I was fine for a LONG time. I wasn't aggravated, necessarily totally upset or hurt or maddened by any actions or words, or just generally normal behaviour performed by persons of interest. Until this last weekend.

It is so much easier to say "I'll ignore this person," than to actually ignore them. The doing of the act, is A LOT harder. Especially when you're forced into a 5 hour situation where you can't get away. My scenario resembles that of throwing an untrained swimmer into the deep end. They may splatter about for a few minutes, until they sink and drown. That's how I felt just recently.

I'm trying to get my head around the fact that people can't be changed. This is a very difficult realisation to grasp. Also, I don't understand people's hostile and rude behaviours, and why they don't realise that despite their high opinions of themselves, they actually are far from perfect, far from good at all.

But when you risk hurting your loved ones, saying things like this out loud becomes impossible. A situation that has no solution, a beginning that has no end. So you have to learn to deal, even when learning becomes increasingly excruciating to do so. I'm not sure where I stand, but in the midst of my google search for 'dealing with difficult family members' this morning, I discovered a few repeating points of advice:

- you can't change them, but you can change how you react to them
- don't react immediately to offensive words/behaviour: take a breath and respond when calm
- don't allow yourself to enter into topics that will cause intense disagreements
- don't focus on their bad qualities, as all you will see is their bad qualities

I always struggle with points like these, as I feel that with I myself having to accomodate to their behaviour, is like some kind of acceptance that their behaviour is ok. When it is far from that. I know that learning to deal with it is not saying that, but as I said yesterday, "why do I have to deal with them? Why can't they deal with me?"

I wish I could give them a piece of my mind..... I don't know, maybe the day will come when that happens. In the meantime I need to breathe. I breathed a lot yesterday, and I just feel different. Then again I prayed intensely, maybe I received some inspired clarity, divine guidance that I do not yet know I have.

It just makes me sad when I notice I'm acting out negatively, in the most minor every-day situations in my life, all because I haven't been able to express myself in the situation that most matters. But I feel a change within me, and I really hope that this time I'm able to follow through on it. I just need to learn how to waddle first, before I can dive into the deep end. Learning and building one's character through intense trials takes a lot of time....


Well that's all for today...... so concludes Miss S' random tidbits, til the next tidbit session....

Ta ta.

New Year, New Decade

Oh wow. Just as I'm writing this, Hubbie and mine's first song, is on tv. It's our song well and truly, amongst others. This song came out in about July 2000, right before we started going out. 10 years ago. Well 11 now.
How appropriate, that it come on, as I start a post about the last year, last decade, and try to determine what the future holds.

WOW. What memories. I've just been taken back.

So, in the last year, there have been some changes, some growth within my life. Hubbie and I purchased a block of land. We made 1 year of marriage (!) which is a celebration in itself, LOL.

Work wise, I've developed substantially, gradually taking on more and more responsibility in my bosses absences. To the point that my bosses boss, says to me "I want you to keep learning, keep asking questions.... so that you may become like her..... understudy."

Shit. Those are big shoes to fill. I gratefully accept the compliments and the belief in my abilities, as to where it all leads, I guess we'll just have to wait and see:)

Relationship wise: as mentioned Hubbie and I made one year. Which sort of pales in comparison to the 10 years we've already been together, but marriage brings about different challenges that can't be experienced in a partnership where you don't live together. Marriage is wonderful, and it's awesome to be your own bosses: eat what you like, get up and go to sleep whenever. If you're cold, put the heater on! They sound like basic things I know, but don't forget the entertaining, the visitors, the parties, the going out. And with all of that comes massive compromise, and that's why marriage is different. Everything is shared, everything is part of you. His family is mine, and my family is his. There are disagreements, arguments, tears and outbursts. There's a bit of getting used to.

But after all of that? Despite the differences, the opposites in behaviour, the coming together of personalities, we are essentially the same people, and love the same things, and want the same things. That helps SOOO much. And last night, lying in bed, as his arm was outstretched over my body, my free hand on his shoulder as my other hand held the open book to read, I thought of how much I loved him. Despite the differences, despite families, despite EVERYTHING, I thought of how much I love him, how much MORE I love him after 10 years. And that tells me everything. Love grows and feeds off of itself. It develops into something so deep, that trivial crap, and itty-bitty bullshit, just doesn't even gain a speck on its radar. It's beyond anything comprehensible. We have so much of it within us, and when we emit it, it comes back to us two-fold, which is an incredible feeling.

So Hubbie and I are good:)

Family and Friends: Yes and yes, but sometimes no. Reading back on any of my blogs over the last year, you could not say that I have the most positive views on some family members, friends and people I know. But you know what, it's not a perfect world, there are no 'perfect' families and with the amount of differing personalities out there, it's impossible for all of us to get along. Having said that, I've learnt that you need to sometimes turn a blind eye, not look too much into things, and also as I mentioned in my "Christmas Wishes" post, wish the person who upsets you most, well. People who I couldn't stand, who I was extrememly disappointed in and let down by, I now feel differently about. I've accepted them as human, not perfect, and clearly with faults, like you, me and everyone else. I've zoned in on the positive, and really, that works. It's helped me so much, and I believe my negative downward spiral of unhappy family/friend realtionships have actually come to an end. Maybe even with Mouth and Moody. OMG. I know, incredible right?

Other fabulous news-worthy items: collingwood won, I saw George Michael and Hubbie and I holidayed in the sunshine state. There are so many more things, but I wanted this post to be future-oriented, rather than concerned with the past.

Having said that, I must look back on this last decade, just quickly :)

I get a very nervous feeling when I think that, because I know what's coming: this last decade, I went from an unattached 16 going on 17 year-old, to a girl going out with a guy who would later become her husband. How wonderful and weird this world is:) I finished high school, started and finished uni, had about 5 jobs until I found my current full-time one. Got married following a mammoth wedding, travelled through a good portion of Europe, and am now living contently a year and a half later.

So when I think of the next 10 years, the next decade, and wonder what my thoughts will be on the last 10 years, THEN, nervous tension bubbles in the pit of my stomach. I know it will involve a new home, expansion of family, friends getting married, and more kids, EVERYWHERE.

I guess change is always scary. Gosh I feel like crying now. I don't know what it is. Sometimes we're so comfortable where we are, that we don't want to move forward, we want to stay stationary in a moment in time. That's how I felt last night. As I've said quite regularly, I'm in a selfish phase of life. It's all about me, and Hubbie. My Hubbie, my life, my job, my car, my clothes, my friends, my family. Me me me. The thought of that changing freaks me out. I know how much I value myself and my life, and so I know that my attention shifting to something else, is something so foreign and almost unnatural, that I think that is what is really freaking me out. The changing of values, lifestyle.

You know what? I don't think it's good to look too far into the future. It can be scary. You don't know what to expect, and how things will transpire.
Not knowing is terrifying. But again as I say that, I am suddenly reminded of myself at the end of the last decade. Knowing all that I do now, having achieved so much academically, professionally, having a loving husband and wonderful family and friends, on our way to building a home, well! Telling my 16 year old self then, she would have freaked to find out so much! But having lived through it, step by step, it wasn't so scary. Interesting, challenging and life-evolving, that's what it was. It's life, it's growth and it's perfectly natural. You take each day at a time, and see where it leads you.

Which is why we do resolutions for a year ahead. It's less confronting:)

So I'm taking a deep breath and now focusing on the year ahead!

I took a peek at my resolutions from the past year, half cringing because I'd half forgotten them, but having re-read them I was pleasantly surprised:

1. To increase my Vitamin D intake by sitting in the sun more ( I love doing it anyway! ) and eating foods that are rich in the vitamin.

So yes lately especially, I've been in the sun heaps, to the point that Hubbie called me something not so nice as a joke in response to my darkened state. I took it as a compliment:) I have it all worked out: in spring and summer I get natural Vit D from the sun, in autumn/winter I take my Vit D supplements. As for the foods rich in Vit D, I try, when I can, but because the food sources are so scarce, I don't stress myself out over them.


2. To decrease arm fat.

Hmmm. So recently actually, I've started running around with Hubbie as he trains for, plays basketball. I think all the shooting and passing of the ball is helping, however until just recently I was quite slack in the department of decreasing arm fat, I didn't really do much. I'm hoping the new year will change that. Look, I don't have a fat arm problem, but I strive for perfection, as dangeous as that pursuit is.


3. To generally get more toned, in particular to target my tummy and reduce the fat there.

As per above comments. I haven't done much exercise to target that, but all the housework and busy lifestyle have helped me, somehow. Which is great.


4. To read more.

So this I have done more of. And I continue to do more of, given my upcoming 2011 resolutions. Read on.


2011 Resolutions

1. To read, HEAPS more. In fact, I want to set up some sort of column/box within my blogger page, so that I can list the books I wanna read and then so to speak 'tick' them off when I do. Seeing it everytime I log into blogger will help me be more aware of it too. I want to read more to help my writing as well (see below resolution), as I want to be more aware of different writing styles, different authors, different stories. I want to know so much, the need to read and research is so great within me right now.

2. To complete my first book by the end of the year. By complete I mean finish writing to my satisfactory standard, so that I can start promoting it to agents, or however it goes. As nervous as I get when I think of it, I think it is a realistic goal. One story, one year. I'm sure some would think I've given myself too much time even, however what I want to do is start something big, and I need the proper research, planning and education to get it right off the bat, so that when I continue with my following books, it all flows perfectly and effortlessly.

3. To get fit. Whether it's playing basketball with Hubbie, taking on yoga, or just getting into long walks/runs, I really want to make it a part of my life. I make health-oriented goals each year, and I know that with some of them, I do somewhat succeed, but others are just a waste of written space. I don't want that to be the case this year. I really want to make an effort of it. And seeing myself in my mind, with the body I want, is motivation enough.

4. To improve all my relationships, full-stop. To not sweat the small stuff, which will be assisted by the Richard Carlson "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" daily calendar Red bought me for chrissy. To relax, not worry, see the postive in everyone and all things. To wish the people that annoy me, well, and MEAN it.

5. To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development. To keep reading books on bettering myself and my life, and to continue striving toward my dreams.

6. To enjoy life. Just the other day I said to Hubbie, "I want to enjoy our city; go out for coffee, walk through parks, just go out." It doesn't have to break the bank. Often the simplest things are the most rewarding. Taking a walk along the beach; eating an ice cream; sitting on a park bench. I want to observe, absorb, feel and create. I want to feel the sun on my face, be a part of life, experience all that is to offer. I want to live every day of my life. Because that's what we're here to do.


So, those are my dreams for the coming year. And being in the frame of mind that I am, I think I will do quite well (just between you and me:))

Remember: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Happy new year, Happy New Decade :-D

Christmas wishes

Christmas was full of love, happiness, presents, and HEAPS of food and drink, as per usual.

A few things have made me think differently. Change the way I view things, shift my perspective on what irritates me.


As I walked to work early on Christmas Eve, every person I passed, or who walked by me, I wished a great day.


This is how it was in my head:


"I wish you a wonderful day. And you and you. I wish you a great day, I wish you a great day, and you and you....."

and so forth. I don't know, I guess the spirit of the season awakened within me some outpouring of kindness. Not to say I'm not a nice person, but I've never really thought anything like that. I genuinely wished good things for the people around me, from one human being to the next. We are all so different, yet exactly the same.


And so, as Christmas day was drawing to a close, I thought of a few things. I pondered the people who had upset me recently, and also in the last year. And seriously, driving home, I specifically spoke out loud in my head:

"I thank all those who have upset me in the last year. I thank you because you have made me stronger, you have provided me with the challenge to grow as a person, and to discover the alternatives in life to handling people like you. To all of you, I wish you the best."


And I think I meant it.


It's so easy to get upset at others and blame them when there is a problem, rather than to try look at them as a human being. I think that's when we are at our worst; we are lowering that person to something less than a human so that when we put them down, either out loud or in our minds, it is done so more easily. But when we remind ourselves that they have their own issues, and they are reacting the only way they know how, or just because they don't know any better, that changes things. We soften bit, and lower our raging thoughts. And think, 'oh.'

Not to say that you should feel sorry for or pity everyone. That isn't cool, acting superior over others. And not to say you can't get upset. That's a very real and normal emotion too. Just remember we are all human, and if someone upsets you, wish them the best. It changes the dynamic of emotions, and puts you in control of how you feel. That's the best you can do.

Merry Christmas :-D

My drunk post

Okay so this is quite possible going to be my mosr random of all random posts. Because i am drunk
Yes sireeee. Me drunk.

Ok ay so not sdrunk but tipsy. I knoe that from the fact that It took me 3 times to actually write the above post with noe speeligng mistakes. The rest od the post? ahh whatever. let the re be spelling itakes i dont care!QQQQQQQ!!!!!!!! Im drunk ;-)

So anyway, i have had my entire family over today! Yes siree my entire  family all came (acutally not fake and her borther but hey what a surprise thee  but i dont really care anyway) and it was a truly wonerful day. even motor mouth was here and i honestly didnt mind her, its gonig with my nw attitude of 'whatver'
yes htats rught, i have a new whatvever attitiude. its cool. its gonig well.
het did i tell u i love my cusin? like in afamilial way. i dont know what i should call him, um maybe 'chihuahua'. LOL. Tnhats funny becayse i KNOW why its funny! yes thereofore he wil lbe known as  chihuauauaha.\
ahahahhahahaha.
i sooooo odo not car about my speeliing mistakes right n eow. thats because usually im such a perfefctionist,. butn now im like all 'whatdever'.
seeeee? going with my new attitufede???
and back tom y cuz chichuahua. he is so cool. im rapt. rapt tha alll my dfamily came over toda,. my cuz's my aunties and uncles, aeven my uncele who had a stroke recently, a few monthd back. they all coame because we called the whole family over, no one had been to aour palce yet since we moved in. and it was awedome. so awesome like super awesome. we were danixcing and there was music and we were singing and eating and drinking.
yes lots of drinking.
im not reading back this post u see/ otherwise i may think differenntly.
NOOOOOOOOOOO! i must post it i must!!!!!!! please excuse my dual oersonality ATM.
so it was cool EVERYONE came (impoirstant).
Ahhhhh sonice!.
Lovely. Love Love Lvoe LOve Love.
Is all gso good.
and i made 135 cakes in preparation no joke, one recipe makes 71 th e other 64 = 135! yay i can count still,
ok i think its time to go.
goodnight and i lobe everyobodyQ! ALl of you you are all wonderful!
MWA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
I hac love for rhte pwhole weorld and everyone in it even the annoying people! Yes You!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

The sun helps me forget about annoying people

What to write, what to write....

Last night in bed, laying there all furious/sad/frustrated, I was pondering my next blog post, and wondering how best to proceed.

You see I was going to write about Mouth, who I am considering re-naming Motor-Mouth after yesterdays stellar performance.

I was going to write about how self-centred and self-absorbed and 'self self self' people, are sooooo infuriating and WRONG WRONG WRONG. Not only is it rude and selfish (because I haven't mentioned enough 'self' words) but it is condescending in that by only talking about yourself and caring about you and you only, you are disrespecting those around you, indirectly saying, "you are not important enough for me to talk about and pay attention to." There is so much wrong that I can go on about it for days. But, as I said, I WAS gonna write about it.


Then I was going to write about tall-poppy syndrome. I feel it is way too prevalent in Australian society. I mean, I haven't lived in other parts of the world long enough to know how it is elsewhere, but all too often, when someone reaches great success, joy in love, wealth of money, life happiness or any other personal achievement, sad to say, but those around them cut their stems down with their verbal slander.

I've noticed just recently how people around me respond and react when my job comes up. Working for a large media organisation that is known to most people, the immediate response, from my friends and family no less (obviously jealous and distant family) a comment will be made in how the organisation is crappy with their service, doesn't make the right choices in light of their customers needs, is inferior to their competitors, etc, along with any other negative or derogatory comment. Most often it is done in humour, but there is a European quote, a saying, that goes along the lines of "the joke and the truth are like brother and sister." And I find it soooooo interesting that no one ever says "Oh I love the service, I love the output, I love EVERYTHING from your organisation!"

No, that never happens. Because they're jealous.

It makes me sick. I never go to other people and say "hey! that food distribution company you work for, their canned tomatoes are shit house."

I don't say "the retail chain that you work for has the shittest clothes. Their clothes are only for bogans."

No I don't. Because that would be focusing on the negative and shutting people down.

Do you see where I'm going? They won't ever mention my organisations competitors, or say a negative remark about them. Nooooooooo. That would be indirectly praising the company I work for!

I'm not an overly biased person. If something, or someone, or an organisation makes an error, I will poke fun at it and complain, even if it's an organisation I work for. I don't pity anyone or anything. But come one, be reasonable, be fair people. Don't be jealous.

Negative, jealous, annoying people. People are soooooo annoying. I will definitely say it to the next person who remarks negatively about my job. Their little straw will break my back, and the words will come tumbling out in a BIG way.

But no. I WAS gonna write about tall-poppy syndrome, but I won't.


Instead, I can't help but be influenced by the sun. The glorious sun, that up until recently was shining through the big glass windows on the left side of the large co-departmental room we all work in. I say that because the nobs on that side of the room have decided to pull the blinds down in order to work.

Sad, sad, people.

But it's ok. Starting work earlier today means I leave earlier. And enjoy the beautiful warmth of the sun. And I have had 3 comments already (maybe 4 I've lost count) on my red heart-shaped dangly earrings, which I've had for so long and only cost me 5 bucks. Old, cheap but funky.

So I'm feeling not bad. :)


Although things in my home life are shitting me, work life is pretty good. Is that a bit sad? Feeling like you enjoy your work life more than your home one?

I too often find myself relaxing at work, and just forgetting about the worries of life with all the annoying people in it.

That is worry-some. Especially since my dream is to work for myself either writing books or making wedding videos. When that eventuates I wouldn't have any contact with the people I see now at work. The only people I'd see are.........

the annoying ones.

(Shudder)

I better enjoy what I have now.

I just have to vent that I don't suck arse

Yes, arse, as in the Aussie spelling of it.




You know, I just get peeved when I see people blatantly selling their blogging brand in a pathetic attempt to create pity and blogger generosity. There are people who use their blogs as a social interactive tool, where they try better the lives of others and create general goodwill. (Insert blog case carrotspeak.) Carrie, she's awesome. There are those that like to educate, reviewing social media such as television, books and the like. (Insert blog case LikeTelevision Blog). That is cool. I read some interesting things on Quentin Tarantino not too long ago. And I luurrvvveeee Quentin.

Then there are others that like to talk about their life (like me! sheepish grin ensues ;) ) I have found the blog of 'Clever Girl Goes Blog' most recently, and her blog is especially entertaining to read.

Then there are those, who it seems simply want to use their followers in an effort to gain popularity and better their own cause, without a thought as to the true intentions one is supposed to be involved in, in the unofficial etiquette of the blogging world. (Not naming ANY names) Why can't we all just blog together in happiness and not be selfish with our blogging intentions?

As a purely fabricated example, would YOU be happy with a blogger indirectly asking you to help them out by being their taxi driver 24/7?

(As I said, purely fabricated example, it's late and quite surprisingly my creative juices are at a nil, and it's late at work and it's past home time. 'Nuff said.)

So this is just me people, getting frustrated by annoying people again.

Why must there be so many annoying people in this world?

Sucking arse, is sooooo annoying. This anonymous blogger that I randomly came across is sucking arse in asking his/her (haha, didn't think you'd get it out of me that easily now, would you? I'm not that tired) followers to pick them up and take them around the city, and shockingly, these followers are so desperate to gain followers and suck arse in return, that they are willingly begging to be the taxi driver! Yes! All of them! One stupid person yes, but a zillion?! This is why I ask, why are there annoying people out there?

Sigh.

Going home now.

And like the morning after a one-night stand, in the morning I will look at this post and say "Ugh, I did that?!"

Crazy Eye

I am not kidding or exaggerating in the least when I say that for the last three weeks, my right eye has been twitching on and off.


I say on and off (thank goodness) because you could imagine my utter embarrassment if it was actually twitching non-stop. I wouldn't be able to leave the house in fear of scaring off people with my wildly flailing eye.

At first I thought my crazy-eye twitching was as a result of hearing or speaking of something unfavourable, something or someone I didn't like, hence the name 'crazy eye.' This deduction came to mind after talking to my mum about an annoying cousin, and noticing that my right eye was twitching. That was my first 'A-ha!' moment.

My next moment came in a fit of road rage over stupid incompetent drivers, where also, lo and behold, I noticed the now all too familiar eye twitch.

However, despite my little nickname for this sudden deformity I've developed, I don't believe it to be caused by anything. That is, my eye twitch resulting from being mad or upset. This eye twitch does not discriminate: home, work, family, friends, happy, sad..... no matter how I'm feeling, where I am or who I'm talking to, my right eye will just begin to twitch of it's own accord.

(It's even twitching right now, I'm not freaking kidding!)

I used to believe that your right eye twitching was an indicator of good things to come, you know, like superstition, the way someone might believe that seeing a dove is a sign of good fortune. I think I read it in one of those dream books that decipher dream meanings. However I'm inclined to lean towards my mums belief, only because hey, she's my mum and she knows 'stuff' and has a WHOLE lot more experience than me. She believes that it's in fact your left eye that brings you luck, and that your right eye twitching is a BAD sign.


Dum, da dum da.


She has experience in these matters you see, as a result of having grown up in a heavily-superstitious environment/time/culture, as mentioned in a much earlier post. So I take most of her stories at face value.

The fact that my eye has been twitching though for 3 weeks now, I can't help but thinking that it means neither good, or bad (I know, as literally crazy as it sounds) but that it may be as simple as some kind of weird twitch.

It's just that I keep getting these random flashes in my mind of Jack Nicholson in "The Shining," where he's experiencing an eye twitch after his hallucinations have transgressed him into an outrageous other-worldly realm.

Am I turning into some psycho-weird mad-woman right eye twitcher? Influenced by stupid people over the last year, whose behaviours have turned me into an enraged bottled-up fuel of emotions, whose only physical outlet is the right eye twitching?


Stay tuned to this mad woman.

I just don't know

I don't know what to write about. I have so many thoughts running through my head, so many things that have plagued my mind with worry, confusion and wonder these last few days, that it seems like a snowball of 'stuff' is just rolling around in my head, with the passing of time just helping it to gather more moss.


Sometimes you feel you try so so hard, but to no avail. That's how I felt a couple of days ago, when confronted with (or should I say bombarded with) again by Mouth.

I went into that night thinking "I am sooo pumped, I'm so happy, I'm not letting anything upset me, we are gonna have a super night!"

And after walking into her house, within half an hour I was muttering under my breath sarcastic remarks such as "Ohh, finally a positive comment."

I don't know why it is. I don't know why she gets under my skin so. I can't handle the selfishness. The world that revolves around her and her only. The 'me me me' attitude. "My dress, my day, my house, my kids, my job..." it just goes on and on.

Surely there are many people that could handle this kind of behaviour. They could smile politely and just sort of brush it off. All the while knowing how ignorant and egotistical the behaviour was. However it would not annoy them and bother them the way it does me.

I think because I am so aware of my behaviour, my actions and my words, that when I see someone who so clearly has unfavourable and rude personality traits, I can't help but be upset by it. The more I become aware of everything in my own life, the more I get annoyed at everyone else. The price you pay in the search for the self, huh?

And Mouth certainly upsets me in every way. The fact that she thinks she is right, and that there is nothing wrong with her, makes me want to set her straight all the more. But I can't do that without starting World War 3. Oh how I wish for the day when I can reveal to her some unexpected news. When she asks, shocked "I didn't know that!" I will respond with "maybe because you never asked me," and just leave that wondering, lingering thought in her head, to play with.

Sigh. I just need to work out how to not let her get to me. And perhaps a few (or a couple hundred) subtle remarks about her behaviour will somehow help me to get the point across. That her personality is not the best (said in the most diplomatic fashion).

Oh yes. Guess what Mouth was talking about so much on the weekend. Her at MY wedding.

Again now. HER at MY wedding.

We were watching the video at her house, and she barely, barely, barely said anything about me. It was all "Oh look at my dress, it was so hard to dance in," "you can see my backbones!" (and your point is?!?!) "oh I'm doing that now....." and so on. She did say that I made a nice speech at the reception, however that was only because Hubbie had said it first, and she probably felt she had to agree in order not to look like a completely rude and obnoxious person, which she still ended up looking like! It absolutely boils me to my core. You're talking about yourself and only yourself while watching my wedding video. I think there is such a thing as human kindness and considering others, and especially if you are viewing someone else's special day, I find it quite inappropriate to gas bag about yourself the entire time.

Human decency people. We all know that we watch ourselves while on tape. But to speak it out loud everytime you see yourself, and then to not ONCE, out of your own initiative, be so kind as to praise the person whose special day you were attending, because if not for them you wouldn't be there, wellllllllllll!

That's why I use the words selfish, self-absorbed, self-involved, self freaking EVERYTHING!

Good segway to the wedding video though.

Yeah. The wedding video.

Sigh again.

I don't know. Maybe I had super high expectations, due to my everyday work organising and critiquing every single damn program on tv. Yes it is a good job thank you. But then again maybe not, as I am feeling very dissatisfied with the wedding video results. But, even with that in mind, I'm still slightly disappointed by some parts of it. I mean, I could have done a better job.

There were some parts the videographer missed. Some things he could've done differently, better. Other things he could have edited better. And all of that, just by pure, common and practical video/editing style-sense, without a heartbeat, I would have known how to do it better.

I may not have all the technical experience. Some I have, but not all. But that can be learned. The vision though, comes more naturally, and that comes to me so easily. I don't know if my work has anything to do with that, but nontheless I have it.

He missed a part of a dance with my sister at the reception. The kiss in the church, he filmed from an angle that made it impossible to see my face. He says it was due to the positioning of the priest, but I believe he could have moved around and gotten a better shot. He missed the start of a traditional dance at the reception, where I started off dancing with Hubbie, then continued with both my parents. He missed them. Luckily for him they all danced with me at the end of the dance, but that's not much consolation to my enraged Dad.

Some of the editing between shots, in particular my house in the morning, have cuts rather than fades. He's placed some cuts between shots and some fades between shots. I have no idea why he wouldn't have put ALL fades, seeing as the background music in all the shots is of the live accordian we had there. I don't know why he wouldn't realise that to cut to one part of a song to another would seem a bit jumpy. Fades between that could have fixed all that, made it smoother.

No proper title menu's either. No nice moving image of Hubbie and I, followed by a chapter selection. No. Just a crappy little photo of us, and then you press play.

He said that was due to a new program he was using. Rather than have good menu's and lesser quality video, we had crappy menus and better quality videos. I know it's a minor thing, but our engagement dvd menu looks soooo much better. This one is just so plain and ordinary and you know what? As minor as it may be, it is the finishing touch on the dvd. I really truly believe so. And not having that finishing touch, along with any of the above recommended adjustments, I don't know, I just feel so, so.......

Sad.

Sigh.

I got sad. Then I got angry. I thought and thought and thought.

"I could have done a better job."

Then I thought some more. Who says I couldn't do a better job? If not right now for me, then for someone in the future.....

And so I got to thinking. Of Me, Myself and I, Miss S, director, producer and editor extraordinaire, creating timeless, perfect pieces of wedding videos, for beautiful couples to love, appreciate and cherish forever.

Accompanied ('hired' by me) by a cameraman of course.

If I won the lottery tomorrow, I swear I would invest in the highest quality, best state of the art editing and video equipment, and start my own business tomorrow. Enrol in a few programs, read a few books, and ta-da! All ready. Like I said I have the vision, therefore I need to do only a few things and touch-up on a few areas, in order to become the most successful wedding videographer this world has seen, as seen in MY HEAD.

Sigh again. But then I remember. Remember my other vision. That of being the most extraordinary writer this world has ever seen (ummm, along with every other blogger IN THE WORLD!)

I had such a strong vision a while back, I even wrote about it in a post. However, like an episode of How I Met Your Mother that I saw a while back, I'm becoming a bit too like Ted in regards to living out my dream.

In the episode, I think Ted is trying to start his own business, and rather than actually doing something proactive about it, he hires an assistant to help him on his way and organise everything for him, before he's actually achieved anything. He puts off actually starting any work, as he wants too much to have everything perfect before he commences with the next step.

And I'm soooo feeling him right now.

I guess every aspiring writer has a dream of writing the ultimate, next big hit. I have a dream of writing a saga, that would eventually eventuate into a television series. However I have so many things I wanna do first. I have never studied writing professionally. I would wanna study up on that first. I need to develop my characters first, live them, breathe them, know every single little part of them before I write about them. I need to develop ongoing storylines.

It's just that I can't possibly achieve all that I want to achieve without giving in a little, and giving up something in return. I can't help it though, I want it all. I want to edit. To write. To read all books and watch all movies. To have some 'me' time and just unwind when I want. To have couple time with Hubbie and I. To see my family, my friends. To cook. To exercise damn it, because I haven't done any of it this year.

Sigh sigh sigh.

What makes me feel better is that, much like my video creating vision, with my writing, again, I've GOT it.

You can teach someone to use the right words, teach them grammar and how to spell, talk about storylines and all of that other stuff, but at the end of the day, they've got to have it. They've got to know how to express emotion. Know how to convey feeling and tone, to make you laugh, cry, and what I believe most importantly, make you fall in love with the characters.

So, as I conclude my long-winded I-don't-know anything speel, hopefully you're beginning to realise, why, simply, I JUST DON'T KNOW.

So many questions with no answers.

Hey, you know what would be great? Next time I see Mouth and by the odd miracle that a pig happens to fly by, she'll ask me "what's new with you?"

AND I'LL REPLY,

"Well I've actually just launched my own videography business, just shot a couple of weddings on the weekend actually. Oh yeah, it's going quite well, my first few clients have referred me to others, and I'm already booked up 'til the end of next year. It's going to be a bit hard, but mainly lots of fun and really interesting, because I'm also finishing the draft of my 10th book, part of a serial which is actually in the current top 10 selling books of the year. There's talk that it's going to be developed into a television series too, I just don't know which network is going to show it, as they're all still fighting over the rights. I'll make sure the integrity of the work transfers to screen though, as I'm negotiating and my demands thus far are to retain creative control of the work and all those who are hired to act on it, as well as be the main over see-er when it comes to general directing, producing and editing of the show. Other than that, um, not much else."

(Insert stunned mullet face).

!

Obnoxiously CHOMPing Chips

Yes, the above is TRULY possible.




Yesterday I had to take the train home from work, and although I thought I may have been running a little late in getting to the train station on time, I actually made it there closely approaching the 5:45pm arrival of my train.

And lo and behold, as I walked down the stairs to the platform, I saw the monitor, displaying a totally different train arriving, rather than my train.

I looked at my watch, and saw it was 5:45 on the D-O-T.

Not happy Jan.

So the train had arrived and left earlier than scheduled? That's not fair, that's like cheating! You can't have a train arrive and leave earlier than scheduled. Commuters plan their whole days around public transport, and if they miss their transport because it's left earlier, well..... GRRRR! NOT FAIR!

Yes they may leave late. That's allowed in public transport land. Just not too late. At least a late train means that commuters won't be in any danger of missing their travel appointments.

All this, plus extreme anger and frustration was what I was feeling, as I made my way to my regular spot along the platform to wait, for the next train, in 16 MINUTES.

And then 2 obnoxious nobs came along, chomping chips.

The first sign of their extreme obnoxiousness was the way they were eating their potato chips. I didn't turn to look at them, but from where they were beside me, I could hear the crunching, LOUD.

Then, Nob number 1 opened his mouth, and confirmed it all for me.

"There's so many people around, it's like a herd of cattle."

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.

"Notice how everyone is like, in black?"

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.

Only silence from his friend, as his friend was too busy CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP-ing too.

Wow Einstein. You have made the most extraordinary of observations. Yes Genius, there ARE a lot of people, maybe because it is peak hour, and it seems a train has left too early, leaving out hundreds of commuters who were counting on it to arrive on time!

And we're in black, because we have black coats, because it's winter, it's generally common, and it's freakin' depressing!

I don't know WHY I felt the need to explain myself to him in my head, but his random observations (!) were so madly pointless, that it infuriated me to the core. I almost expected him to pipe up next with "gee, look at all the train tracks, must be for some trains."

Duh. Stupid bogan.

And the CHOMP-ing. It was so annoying. Every CHOMP wound me up tighter and threw me more and more into a state of agony. I was sure they were eating, sorry, CHOMPING, with their mouths open, that's how loud it was. If I had turned my head to look at them, I'm sure I would have seen specks of chips flying out of their mouths, like cannons out of a rocket.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. Like they didn't care about the late trains. Or the rain outside. Or the fact that their disgusting open-mouthed CHOMPing was rude, disrespectful and....obnoxious.

I was sooooo going to walk to another part of the platform to escape their annoying-ness, when they miraculously moved away.

Thank you.

Oh yeah, it turned out my 5:45 train hadn't arrived AT ALL, due to some technical fault. In other words, the train system is SHIT.

In the words of the Buffy/Angel-verse: Grrrrr, Argh.

Do you have a laughing hyena in your life?

Now, I must be careful, I need to bite my tongue. Up front I want to make it clear, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being happy and enjoying a giggle.
And I'm all for positivity, and positive energy going out..... but sometimes people think their happiness is good, when really it borders on insanity.
There's this girl I know, I come across her now and then in my daily activities. There are times where I go "hmmmmm, she's not that bad," and others where I mutter "Shut the hell up."
Today is the latter day.
There's something to be said about a person who laughs hysterically at a simple remark.
You know, that type of person, when something is said and they move their whole upper torso down and back like they're convulsing?
The sort of person that you almost expect to start hiccuping, that's how out-of-control their laughing is?
But if for some reason you can't identify this kind of person (and if you can, take my advice, GET AWAY FROM THEM!) you can tell this person by the others around you.
Notice what happens when they enter a room. Do people roll their eyes? Do people make comment about their absence, and take peculiar joy in it?
Hmmmmm. Makes you think.
There's just something to be said for a person who tells you about what socks they've bought, what colour they are and when they will be worn; how they cleaned their house this morning, how long it took them, what cleaning products they used; someone that shows photos to people that don't care, while onlookers try to writhe away slowly, around the corner.....
Are you starting to get a picture??
Yes. That annoyingly, irritatingly person that drives people up the wall with their overly excitable, over-the-top, false, 'me, me, me' exterior.
Sigh.
Go away already will you?