1. Ensure that you are clean and fresh before embarking on your journey. Do not expect to be welcomed, smiled at or have any kind of civility directed towards you if you have the strong stench of B.O enveloping and following you wherever you go. That is just not cool man. Have a shower for freak's sake.
2. Do not talk loudly on the train, either to your pretend fun friend on the phone, or to the rest of your posse friends who you think actually like you, but are actually, just, tolerating you. You annoy the people listening to their ipods, as the shrill volume of your voice actually breaks all headphone barriers, (yes it does, you hyena) and for the others trying to read or sleep, well you bug the hell out of them. We don't want to know about how you can't eat salt and vinegar chips (really, I don't care whether they make your eyes water or not; they taste good, you soft, poor excuse for a being!) We want to other read about Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in peace, or escape to our fantasy world's and go to the far-away land of slumber, where snacks aren't the be-all and end-all of our existence. Shhh.
3. Do not invade the personal space of others. Do not brush up against them. Do not breathe down their neck as you try to read the book they have open before them. Don't spread out all your crap so that others have to do long jumps to get out of the train. If you don't know the other passengers, don't act like you share the same bed with them, otherwise you will be assumed a stalker, you creepy weirdo.
4. Do not stare. Didn't your mother teach you that? Oh sorry, I forgot you've never seen a women with boobs before. You come from another universe where only men and their penises exist.
And for the women, do not look up and down. Do you not have my bits?
Any starers can be expecting a slap, or a greasy at the least. Really.
By adhering to these rules you will be ensured a safe, happy and comfortable trip to your destination. Thank you for your time passengers. We look forward to you travelling with us next time (except for the dirty, loud, creepy oglers....)
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