To my boss,
In recent days you have sent to our department a multitude of emails. The main point of all these emails is along these lines:
“there have been several mistakes discovered by other shit-faced departments in regards to our highly over-worked department, to which I now have to respond because I don’t have the guts to tell them where to go, or to actually acknowledge on some humble level that all of you actually work heaps and I undervalue your efforts greatly.”
(Of course she didn’t say that whole part, rather the first 6 words, the rest is wishful thinking)
“I would like to mention again not so kindly in CAPS, and break it down for you in an anyone-can-understand-this-even-kids-you-stupid-mofos numbered list, hoping that for once you will actually read this email and I will know if you haven’t because I’m sending a read receipt with it, SUCK.”
(Obviously, I’m over-exaggerating again, but I know what she REALLY wants to say…)
“1. Check fucking everything that you work on, down to the numbers, the print, in fact, spend about an hour checking you are working on the right thing before you even start to work.
2. Along with checking the sun has come out for the day and staring at the screen idiotically for hours on end, just in case, I’d like to re-iterate that you all have sooooo much work to do, so I’d like you to become magicians and find a way to check EVERYTHING on your computer screens, and hey even throw in an organisation routine for your desk for a little bit more pizazz and extra brownie points, but try and do it in the quickest time possible. So check, but skimp on the perfectionism. Got it?
3. Here are the things I want you to check, and I’ve broken it down for you in easy-to-read, itty-bitty points, ARSES:
- Check your screen is the correct width
- Check your screen is the correct height
- Check that your mouse is positioned perfectly 180 degrees to your screen, and at a 90 degree angle to your keyboard. (Your hand must always hover above the mouse, never rest.)
- Auto correct your screen every 5 minutes. If you fail to check in any 5 minute interval, increase the checking times five for your next check.
- Check all numbers on your screen go in sequential order. If not, re-start your computer and try again, repeating all steps above.
Continue this useless checking all day. Yet I want you to do all your work plus more, in about 5 minutes flat per project, because that’s really how quick you should be working. Good, you got that.
Finally, if at any stage you don’t know what to do, simply swivel your back-breaking chairs around and around for 5 times clockwise, then 5 times anti-clockwise, and then repeat all the steps above. If this makes you have to go toilet, don’t. the longer you hold it, the longer you will be rewarded.
This will ensure you are properly efficient and effective in all manners of work required.”
Why, thanks boss . Here is my reply.
A few interesting points I’d like to point out. We are a department predisposed to ‘attention to detail,’ (we’ll try ignore the fact you want us to do the likes of fine tuning an engine in 0.2 seconds). Considering we do a shitload amount of work of various job descriptions (many of them not ours), and churn out tens of hundreds of ‘projects,’ sometimes per day, it is interesting to note how we tend to get things right 99.9999999% of the time, I mean, in the greater scheme of things. Just saying. You know from a ‘positive’ perspective.
In any box of crayons there is always a couple broken ones. Instead of verbally bashing those of us who actually work (never mind me with my constant journaling – I am efficient thanks) why not pick on those who say, for example, um, constantly call in sick, constantly come to work late and then leave, stare at the screen aimlessly and just generally whinge and bitch and moan. Instead on focusing on those of us who actually do work, why not look at the ones who just surf the net, constantly email their overseas friends, the ones who are here, but never REALLY here? Why not send a department-wide email pointing them out, huh? That would be INTERESTING. Especially for YOUR boss to read…
Another good thing to mention. Next time you send out one of those kick-us-up-our-arses emails for apparently just doing our job, why don’t you spend that same day actually doing YOUR job, boss, so that when I walk past your desk I don’t find you:
a) Online shopping for clothes
b) Booking flights
c) Reading about gerbils
Just saying. The ‘do as I say, not as I do’ approach doesn’t really suit you. Like the colour green. Ugh. Don’t go there, really.
Sincerely,
Miss S (and the rest of us that actually work – which today is everyone seated around me, except for me right now.
Right, I’m getting back to it).
Showing posts with label boss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boss. Show all posts
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
R-E-S-P-E-C-T sings Aretha, I sing…
A-P-P-R-E-C-I-A-T-I-O-N.
Well they’re kind of the same difference aren’t they? They both have the letters R, E, P, C, and T in them. Ooh make a new word, it spells CREPT.
But no, I’m not thinking of creeping. Appreciation is the key. It’s something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately. I hate jumping on these negatively geared bandwagons when it comes to my current work, but honestly, it’s so hard not to.
My boss had to go on sick leave like a gazillion months ago. Before you say anything, I AM sensitive to her situation, but the way the powers-that-be handled it, I am most definitely not.
Then her little man, let’s call him the second in charge, 2IC if you may, went on leave himself for over a month. That left the reigns to myself and the rest of the team, and without blowing my own horn here, let’s face it, I and I alone was the one thrown with the crap and responsibility of taking-care-of-business duties.
As with last year, when the same boss was on sick leave, and the same 2IC went on leave (it was only a week then, but I was petrified of failing somehow in my job the entire long 5 days) I had pretty much no assistance or guidance THE ENTIRE TIME. The team were of course brilliant. Sometimes they pissed me off, but only when I had to practically spoon-feed some to the point of “when I send an email saying do A, please do A, rather than X which is what you’re doing now. Or else I’ll cut off your hands.” (I really did think of sending an email about dislodging hands, no joke).
But otherwise when I asked, they helped, which was great, seeing as no one else helped me. My boss’s boss (who I’ve previously referred to in this blog as the grand-daddy boss – ew) wasn’t on leave though, as with last year when we had the same circumstance. And once again, he completely blended into the background to just sit and watch everything unfold.
You might say ‘but you need to speak up.’ On the ONE occasion this time that I asked him something, he responded very coldly, and I reminded myself to never ask him a question again. It was about whether I was required to attend a certain meeting. These meetings are pure bullshit, and just an excuse to step out of the work area and do NOTHING, as most work meetings are, right?
I thought I could stop attending, because our boss who was on sick leave was now participating in these meetings via phone conference. And seeing I was attending in her absence, and now she no longer was absent… I thought I’d give it a shot to see I could be given the kind privilege of being excused and doing some actual work with so many people in our department on leave and sick leave.
But no. I was told I should still attend. Very briskly if I might add. I thought this quite irritating, and also very amusing in some offended way of mine. He barely acknowledges me in the meetings and around the workplace. I felt this made even more apparent yesterday when he walked by me to deliberately talk to some other team members, advising them of some technical issues we’re having. He was addressing them, when I was right to his side.
I don’t believe he does it deliberately, but I do believe he has no fucking idea how to speak to women who are straight. I’m sorry to offend anyone out there, and I’m definitely not going to stereotype and project this to all gay men, because I know some who actually can speak to women normally, but this grand-daddy has no female-sensitive bone in his body.
No problems talking to the gay guys. Hey, give them a pat on the back, laugh and find excuses to talk, even organise your gay parties for gay-only employees and decorate your house with penises and other phallic instruments, because hey, that’s not considered unethical in any way or workplace sexual harassment especially when you tell these gay men they have to come because you’ve changed the date of the party so they can come.
No, not weird at all.
Even the lesbian chicks. Yeah, they’re cool, they get it. They like chicks, but it’s different, you don’t have to compete with them, true grand-daddy?
But the straight girls? Heaven help me work out why he can’t speak to me, especially when I’m married, and he’s told me he wants me to step up and become my boss’s right-hand person. I’m the best fucking worker he’ll ever lose when I say sayonara to this place and embark on my fantastic passion-fuelled writing career, and he won’t even realise it until I walk into his office and say “do you have a minute?”
I don’t mean this to become an issue on sexual orientation. I know there are people out there who don’t base their work relationships and friendships on a person’s preference to how they wish to live their life – hell I don’t, some of the people I best get along with are gay/lesbian. But unfortunately, and I’m not the only one to see this around here too, grand-daddy does. Whether he is in acknowledgement of his preferential treatment or not, I don’t know, but it’s still not fair.
I know had I been a lesbian, or a gay male, or even just male, he would have been doting all over me while I was in charge. He would have made sure I was ok, checked in to see how I was going, and offered advice in some troubling situations (and there were many). Instead he barked orders at me the few times he did realise I was there, and completely ignored me the rest of the time, to the point that I believed if I didn’t turn up to work, he wouldn’t even know, because apparently, I’M INVISIBLE.
But of course, in accordance with Murphy’s Law, the mofo would have realised, and I would have gotten in trouble, of course. Because I’m straight.
It makes me feel sad, because everything I do at work is to the best of my abilities. I don’t want to brag, but I’m a great worker: I care about my work, and I’m a perfectionist. I know I plan on leaving this place (how sweet that day will be) but while I’m here, I would like to be acknowledged. Appreciated. Respected. I didn’t really expect an all-round pay-rise, but hey, maybe a pay rise/bonus during the time I was in charge would have been really good. It would have made me feel that my contribution here is worthwhile, that I am noticed. But nope nothing. And you know what? Even my team thinks I should have gotten a pay rise. Quite a few of them have told me that individually, and it’s even good knowing that SOMEONE – albeit not the guy who gives out the cash, but still – thinks I’m worthy.
No money though. Not even so much as a thank you from my boss who came back from sick leave. I understand she has her own stuff to deal with, being sick and all, but all I would have wanted was a thank you. Instead I got a joking thank you about her now going to the dreaded meetings instead of me, and I think her joke was in response to an angry status I put on my FB about the importance of appreciation. I don’t care if she thinks I’m having a dig at work, at grand-daddy, at her even. Because I am having a dig. And what they did was just wrong, wrong, wrong.
When I’m running my own business, I’ll never treat my employees this disrespectfully. I’ll say, please, thank you, and appreciate them for every day of work they do. And give them days off for their birthdays.
That’s the problem with big corporations you see. They get so big, that they can’t see the ants at the bottom turning the massive wheel. They don’t even care when they ‘accidentally’ step on them with their humongous boots in the process…
Well they’re kind of the same difference aren’t they? They both have the letters R, E, P, C, and T in them. Ooh make a new word, it spells CREPT.
But no, I’m not thinking of creeping. Appreciation is the key. It’s something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately. I hate jumping on these negatively geared bandwagons when it comes to my current work, but honestly, it’s so hard not to.
My boss had to go on sick leave like a gazillion months ago. Before you say anything, I AM sensitive to her situation, but the way the powers-that-be handled it, I am most definitely not.
Then her little man, let’s call him the second in charge, 2IC if you may, went on leave himself for over a month. That left the reigns to myself and the rest of the team, and without blowing my own horn here, let’s face it, I and I alone was the one thrown with the crap and responsibility of taking-care-of-business duties.
As with last year, when the same boss was on sick leave, and the same 2IC went on leave (it was only a week then, but I was petrified of failing somehow in my job the entire long 5 days) I had pretty much no assistance or guidance THE ENTIRE TIME. The team were of course brilliant. Sometimes they pissed me off, but only when I had to practically spoon-feed some to the point of “when I send an email saying do A, please do A, rather than X which is what you’re doing now. Or else I’ll cut off your hands.” (I really did think of sending an email about dislodging hands, no joke).
But otherwise when I asked, they helped, which was great, seeing as no one else helped me. My boss’s boss (who I’ve previously referred to in this blog as the grand-daddy boss – ew) wasn’t on leave though, as with last year when we had the same circumstance. And once again, he completely blended into the background to just sit and watch everything unfold.
You might say ‘but you need to speak up.’ On the ONE occasion this time that I asked him something, he responded very coldly, and I reminded myself to never ask him a question again. It was about whether I was required to attend a certain meeting. These meetings are pure bullshit, and just an excuse to step out of the work area and do NOTHING, as most work meetings are, right?
I thought I could stop attending, because our boss who was on sick leave was now participating in these meetings via phone conference. And seeing I was attending in her absence, and now she no longer was absent… I thought I’d give it a shot to see I could be given the kind privilege of being excused and doing some actual work with so many people in our department on leave and sick leave.
But no. I was told I should still attend. Very briskly if I might add. I thought this quite irritating, and also very amusing in some offended way of mine. He barely acknowledges me in the meetings and around the workplace. I felt this made even more apparent yesterday when he walked by me to deliberately talk to some other team members, advising them of some technical issues we’re having. He was addressing them, when I was right to his side.
I don’t believe he does it deliberately, but I do believe he has no fucking idea how to speak to women who are straight. I’m sorry to offend anyone out there, and I’m definitely not going to stereotype and project this to all gay men, because I know some who actually can speak to women normally, but this grand-daddy has no female-sensitive bone in his body.
No problems talking to the gay guys. Hey, give them a pat on the back, laugh and find excuses to talk, even organise your gay parties for gay-only employees and decorate your house with penises and other phallic instruments, because hey, that’s not considered unethical in any way or workplace sexual harassment especially when you tell these gay men they have to come because you’ve changed the date of the party so they can come.
No, not weird at all.
Even the lesbian chicks. Yeah, they’re cool, they get it. They like chicks, but it’s different, you don’t have to compete with them, true grand-daddy?
But the straight girls? Heaven help me work out why he can’t speak to me, especially when I’m married, and he’s told me he wants me to step up and become my boss’s right-hand person. I’m the best fucking worker he’ll ever lose when I say sayonara to this place and embark on my fantastic passion-fuelled writing career, and he won’t even realise it until I walk into his office and say “do you have a minute?”
I don’t mean this to become an issue on sexual orientation. I know there are people out there who don’t base their work relationships and friendships on a person’s preference to how they wish to live their life – hell I don’t, some of the people I best get along with are gay/lesbian. But unfortunately, and I’m not the only one to see this around here too, grand-daddy does. Whether he is in acknowledgement of his preferential treatment or not, I don’t know, but it’s still not fair.
I know had I been a lesbian, or a gay male, or even just male, he would have been doting all over me while I was in charge. He would have made sure I was ok, checked in to see how I was going, and offered advice in some troubling situations (and there were many). Instead he barked orders at me the few times he did realise I was there, and completely ignored me the rest of the time, to the point that I believed if I didn’t turn up to work, he wouldn’t even know, because apparently, I’M INVISIBLE.
But of course, in accordance with Murphy’s Law, the mofo would have realised, and I would have gotten in trouble, of course. Because I’m straight.
It makes me feel sad, because everything I do at work is to the best of my abilities. I don’t want to brag, but I’m a great worker: I care about my work, and I’m a perfectionist. I know I plan on leaving this place (how sweet that day will be) but while I’m here, I would like to be acknowledged. Appreciated. Respected. I didn’t really expect an all-round pay-rise, but hey, maybe a pay rise/bonus during the time I was in charge would have been really good. It would have made me feel that my contribution here is worthwhile, that I am noticed. But nope nothing. And you know what? Even my team thinks I should have gotten a pay rise. Quite a few of them have told me that individually, and it’s even good knowing that SOMEONE – albeit not the guy who gives out the cash, but still – thinks I’m worthy.
No money though. Not even so much as a thank you from my boss who came back from sick leave. I understand she has her own stuff to deal with, being sick and all, but all I would have wanted was a thank you. Instead I got a joking thank you about her now going to the dreaded meetings instead of me, and I think her joke was in response to an angry status I put on my FB about the importance of appreciation. I don’t care if she thinks I’m having a dig at work, at grand-daddy, at her even. Because I am having a dig. And what they did was just wrong, wrong, wrong.
When I’m running my own business, I’ll never treat my employees this disrespectfully. I’ll say, please, thank you, and appreciate them for every day of work they do. And give them days off for their birthdays.
That’s the problem with big corporations you see. They get so big, that they can’t see the ants at the bottom turning the massive wheel. They don’t even care when they ‘accidentally’ step on them with their humongous boots in the process…
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
My friend Karma
I have a very strong faith in Karma. It's something I learnt, in a very hard way when I was 16, whilst at high school and having an intense friendship break-up. People may think 'oh, all that high school melodrama is just a part of growing up.' But the way you interpret your life's dramas, whether big or small, kind of sets you up for the way you'll deal with other tough scenarios for the rest of your life.
And in any of these tough cases I've come across and had to endure, I learnt that whenever there was a difficult person who seemed to be getting away with doing something bad which I couldn't change or help, the expectance of Karma was very much welcomed.
That first time I learnt to depend on Karma at the age of 16, I had to endure many months of strained friendships and life uncertainty before seeing Karma's appearance start to make a change in not only my life for the better, but also appear as the undeniable avenger in the lives of those who had wronged me. When I hadn't known what to do, I'd simply stated "I release this, and believe that Karma will make those pay if they deserve it." I had to focus all of my attention on that thought, and hope and pray that I was right, that retribution would come to those who had asked for it. And slowly but surely, it did. It was a slow process, but in the spate of about 6 months the dynamics had shifted dramatically, and as I sit here today, knowledgable about the lives of those I'd separated from over a decade ago, I'm even more aware now of not only the pure fact of Karma's existence - because it is just that, a fact - but also that the power of positive vs. negative energies is a game in which both sides always win. Just think about that one for a moment.
Not only do I play by Karma's law, because I want to attract good things - but I do so for a genuine reason, I actually do want good, and wish good for others. And I try, try, try not to care too much about the wrong-doings of others, confident in the knowledge that Karma will 'fix them up' if they deserve it. Well, generally confident.
And that's the thought that has lead me to this place. This place of lately feeling like God's avenger, a righter of wrongs that needs to let people know they've done bad. Yes I realise how comical that may sound but it's true. I have this raw instinct in me to let people know when they've pissed me off - yes that quality a lot of people have I'm sure. However at times, depending on how intense I feel about the wrong-doing, and in particularly how often a certain offender may re-offend, I feel even more driven to the extreme border of earth-bound and born retaliator.
Haha, me in terminator gear, how funny. Seriously though, it does get to me. Thankfully, I've once again had my aha! moment in regards to Karma, because of some interesting news I heard yesterday.
No-show-boy, myself and another colleague were having a tea break late last night. He started saying how he'd had a Saturday day shift, the one that's just passed, and was supposed to start at 2pm. Because of some 'things' he had to attend to in the day (and also to the fact he fell asleep on his couch), on top of the fact that he had misinterpreted the 1400 work start time written on his hand to mean 4:00pm, rather than the 2pm reminder it was meant to be, he came into work a little later than usual. And guess who, unknown to him was already at work, waiting for him?
Our boss.
Dum, da dum dum.
She's really a very good boss. She is very accomodating to our out-of-work needs and requirements, and you could say, is very cool.
She's also the sort of person to really let you have it if you take advantage of her easygoing nature, which is what happened to No-show-boy. The other colleague and I sat there wide-mouthed as he told us how she completely went off at him for being late, especially since there had been some kind of request made to our department in regards to an error, and as no one was here to represent our team she was called.
Ouch. That's nasty.
It was only then that I realised what had been happening. Here I was, keeping notes on his absences from work, and counting the minutes he was away from his desk per day (maybe not counting, but I was being a complete tardy-freak), not so I could tell somebody, I'm not a dibby-dobber, more so for my own records to satisfy my curiosity of how far he would push it. Last week I sort of said to myself, quite subconsciously of any Karma that may take part "I'm letting this go, I can't do anything about it. And if he's as bad as I think he is (tardy-wise) then the bosses will EVENTUALLY find out."
And they seriously did, within a week. Not that they didn't know already. Really, you can't keep secrets like those, everyone's true character comes out eventually.
And it made me think. This Karma re-appearing in front of me, made me think that perhaps I should 'let certain things go' about other troublesome characters in my life. Let them go, and the hurt go, so that Karma can swoop in and fix it up for me..... After all, Karma does as its definition is.
It's worth a shot.
There's a quote I heard a while ago that has stuck with me ever since, something I believe you cannot get away from, therefore you must endeavour not to run away from it in the first place.
"No matter how deep you bury your seeds, they will always be unearthed."
And in any of these tough cases I've come across and had to endure, I learnt that whenever there was a difficult person who seemed to be getting away with doing something bad which I couldn't change or help, the expectance of Karma was very much welcomed.
That first time I learnt to depend on Karma at the age of 16, I had to endure many months of strained friendships and life uncertainty before seeing Karma's appearance start to make a change in not only my life for the better, but also appear as the undeniable avenger in the lives of those who had wronged me. When I hadn't known what to do, I'd simply stated "I release this, and believe that Karma will make those pay if they deserve it." I had to focus all of my attention on that thought, and hope and pray that I was right, that retribution would come to those who had asked for it. And slowly but surely, it did. It was a slow process, but in the spate of about 6 months the dynamics had shifted dramatically, and as I sit here today, knowledgable about the lives of those I'd separated from over a decade ago, I'm even more aware now of not only the pure fact of Karma's existence - because it is just that, a fact - but also that the power of positive vs. negative energies is a game in which both sides always win. Just think about that one for a moment.
Not only do I play by Karma's law, because I want to attract good things - but I do so for a genuine reason, I actually do want good, and wish good for others. And I try, try, try not to care too much about the wrong-doings of others, confident in the knowledge that Karma will 'fix them up' if they deserve it. Well, generally confident.
And that's the thought that has lead me to this place. This place of lately feeling like God's avenger, a righter of wrongs that needs to let people know they've done bad. Yes I realise how comical that may sound but it's true. I have this raw instinct in me to let people know when they've pissed me off - yes that quality a lot of people have I'm sure. However at times, depending on how intense I feel about the wrong-doing, and in particularly how often a certain offender may re-offend, I feel even more driven to the extreme border of earth-bound and born retaliator.
Haha, me in terminator gear, how funny. Seriously though, it does get to me. Thankfully, I've once again had my aha! moment in regards to Karma, because of some interesting news I heard yesterday.
No-show-boy, myself and another colleague were having a tea break late last night. He started saying how he'd had a Saturday day shift, the one that's just passed, and was supposed to start at 2pm. Because of some 'things' he had to attend to in the day (and also to the fact he fell asleep on his couch), on top of the fact that he had misinterpreted the 1400 work start time written on his hand to mean 4:00pm, rather than the 2pm reminder it was meant to be, he came into work a little later than usual. And guess who, unknown to him was already at work, waiting for him?
Our boss.
Dum, da dum dum.
She's really a very good boss. She is very accomodating to our out-of-work needs and requirements, and you could say, is very cool.
She's also the sort of person to really let you have it if you take advantage of her easygoing nature, which is what happened to No-show-boy. The other colleague and I sat there wide-mouthed as he told us how she completely went off at him for being late, especially since there had been some kind of request made to our department in regards to an error, and as no one was here to represent our team she was called.
Ouch. That's nasty.
It was only then that I realised what had been happening. Here I was, keeping notes on his absences from work, and counting the minutes he was away from his desk per day (maybe not counting, but I was being a complete tardy-freak), not so I could tell somebody, I'm not a dibby-dobber, more so for my own records to satisfy my curiosity of how far he would push it. Last week I sort of said to myself, quite subconsciously of any Karma that may take part "I'm letting this go, I can't do anything about it. And if he's as bad as I think he is (tardy-wise) then the bosses will EVENTUALLY find out."
And they seriously did, within a week. Not that they didn't know already. Really, you can't keep secrets like those, everyone's true character comes out eventually.
And it made me think. This Karma re-appearing in front of me, made me think that perhaps I should 'let certain things go' about other troublesome characters in my life. Let them go, and the hurt go, so that Karma can swoop in and fix it up for me..... After all, Karma does as its definition is.
It's worth a shot.
There's a quote I heard a while ago that has stuck with me ever since, something I believe you cannot get away from, therefore you must endeavour not to run away from it in the first place.
"No matter how deep you bury your seeds, they will always be unearthed."
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
2 things
It's been a while since I last wrote about anything happening in my life, and a lot of that has to do with the busy-ness of the Chrissy season. I've been trying to get cards written and sent, presents bought and wrapped, as well as send some pretty packages to family, and Blonde, spending their Christmas' overseas.
All that combined with the boss having sudden surgery, and being slightly overwhelmed at work with the increased workload (merging not so nicely with the busiest time of year for us) and I haven't had much free time for anything else.
The two things that I can say are this:
* With the insect-spraying that Hubbie did weeks ago, (knock on wood) the appearance of spiders has dwindled to none - wait for it - instead being replaced by cockroaches. Yes indeed. It is so weird. Never has there been so many in our house in such a short period of time. And they're fast too, or so Hubbie says when he chases after them. See I just spray them, and spray, until they stop moving. He's the effective one.
* I had this weird dream 2 nights ago that I just had to mention. Really weird. So in the dream, I'm on a train. With me is Red, but also, a friend of mine's sister. I can't remember if the friend is there. I recently met her sister at a lingerie party I held at my place, but in this dream, the sister looks different, more like my friend than the sister. Confused? Ok I will call the friend B in lack of a better name, because I feel creatively challenged right now. So in the dream, B's sister looks more like B, and perhaps that has to do with a real-life convo I had with B where she mentioned her sisters. I've only met one you see, and perhaps my subconscious mind was creating an image of her.
Why all the talk of B's sister? Just wait. Also, Red was at this lingerie party, so they all saw each other there. She said to me later on, that B's sister looked familiar to her, but couldn't remember from where. Maybe this is why Red is also in the dream.
Anyway, in my dream, I have somewhat finished my book. Yes, my book which I intend on beginning to write in the New Year. I say somewhat finished because in the dream the book looked rather thin, and not only do I KNOW I can write way more than that, but I just had a sense in the dream that it was an unfinished rough copy. Nontheless it had a decent cover and all in the dream. And for some reason, the book has ended up in B's sisters hands.
She's flicked through the pages, unenthusiastically scanned the first few paragraphs, and made some remark about it. I don't know even know if she said something to be honest, it was just the vibe I got from her: she didn't like it. In that moment I remember thinking "what can I do? How can I make the beginning more engaging, more interesting?"
And that was about it really. The dream fascinates me because A) in it I have a rough copy of my book, and B) someone who I've met once, who seemed really nice, is critiquing my book in it! Maybe her name has something to do with it. Maybe the thing is, someone of her name, sharing the same name will critique my book, such as an editor..... perhaps. That's a big thing to look out for. My mum tends to say that the opposite happens in dreams.... so will the same-name person like it? I hope so:)
In the last few days I've been thinking of writing a hell of a lot more. A few things have happened lately to inspire me, and along with re-remembering my old childhood loves, in terms of movies and books, reading some inspirational messages from my "The Secret" subscription emails, and I guess just letting the thoughts and ideas run through my head, it's left me feeling really excited. Hubbie's Christmas card to me which I received this morning, contained a message along the lines of "may you reach your goals in the next year."
I loved it. Because I knew what he meant. Even though he considers a lot of my positive-thinking, dream-creating stuff a lot of mumbo-jumbo. He's still supporting me:)
All that combined with the boss having sudden surgery, and being slightly overwhelmed at work with the increased workload (merging not so nicely with the busiest time of year for us) and I haven't had much free time for anything else.
The two things that I can say are this:
* With the insect-spraying that Hubbie did weeks ago, (knock on wood) the appearance of spiders has dwindled to none - wait for it - instead being replaced by cockroaches. Yes indeed. It is so weird. Never has there been so many in our house in such a short period of time. And they're fast too, or so Hubbie says when he chases after them. See I just spray them, and spray, until they stop moving. He's the effective one.
* I had this weird dream 2 nights ago that I just had to mention. Really weird. So in the dream, I'm on a train. With me is Red, but also, a friend of mine's sister. I can't remember if the friend is there. I recently met her sister at a lingerie party I held at my place, but in this dream, the sister looks different, more like my friend than the sister. Confused? Ok I will call the friend B in lack of a better name, because I feel creatively challenged right now. So in the dream, B's sister looks more like B, and perhaps that has to do with a real-life convo I had with B where she mentioned her sisters. I've only met one you see, and perhaps my subconscious mind was creating an image of her.
Why all the talk of B's sister? Just wait. Also, Red was at this lingerie party, so they all saw each other there. She said to me later on, that B's sister looked familiar to her, but couldn't remember from where. Maybe this is why Red is also in the dream.
Anyway, in my dream, I have somewhat finished my book. Yes, my book which I intend on beginning to write in the New Year. I say somewhat finished because in the dream the book looked rather thin, and not only do I KNOW I can write way more than that, but I just had a sense in the dream that it was an unfinished rough copy. Nontheless it had a decent cover and all in the dream. And for some reason, the book has ended up in B's sisters hands.
She's flicked through the pages, unenthusiastically scanned the first few paragraphs, and made some remark about it. I don't know even know if she said something to be honest, it was just the vibe I got from her: she didn't like it. In that moment I remember thinking "what can I do? How can I make the beginning more engaging, more interesting?"
And that was about it really. The dream fascinates me because A) in it I have a rough copy of my book, and B) someone who I've met once, who seemed really nice, is critiquing my book in it! Maybe her name has something to do with it. Maybe the thing is, someone of her name, sharing the same name will critique my book, such as an editor..... perhaps. That's a big thing to look out for. My mum tends to say that the opposite happens in dreams.... so will the same-name person like it? I hope so:)
In the last few days I've been thinking of writing a hell of a lot more. A few things have happened lately to inspire me, and along with re-remembering my old childhood loves, in terms of movies and books, reading some inspirational messages from my "The Secret" subscription emails, and I guess just letting the thoughts and ideas run through my head, it's left me feeling really excited. Hubbie's Christmas card to me which I received this morning, contained a message along the lines of "may you reach your goals in the next year."
I loved it. Because I knew what he meant. Even though he considers a lot of my positive-thinking, dream-creating stuff a lot of mumbo-jumbo. He's still supporting me:)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Oh my gosh, so sweet
This week has been a cake kinda week.
I made Collingwood inspired cupcakes on Friday night, in support of my team ACTUALLY winning. But that didn't happen. We still enjoyed the cupcakes though. I bought (most of) them to the grand final party Hubbie and I were invited to: they were a chocolate quick-mix cupcake with a dark chocolate ganache as frosting, and white chocolate melts and white chocolate bits as decoration, to give the effect of a 'magic mushroom' as the recipe called it. But I looked at it as black and white colours, (if you squint) therefore Collingwood cupcakes.
They were good.
Then we saw some of our other footy mad friends on Sunday arvo, and I received a whole plate full of leftover cakes from their grand final footy party the day before.
There was a combination of tiramisu, white chocolate cheesecake and also chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing, and white choc bits throughout it, to represent the Maggies.
YYUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
All soooooo good.
So this whole week I have been having, like, 2 cakes a day. Taking them to work, eating it with dinner/lunch.
Today I've come in to work, and it's my boss' birthday. And guess what is on one of the benches here: small little teeny tiny cupcakes.
YUM!
I've just eaten one, and thank goodness for it's size as they are so incredibly sweet. The icing is so sweet, it makes the vanilla flavoured Melbourne black tea I'm drinking not taste so sweet. And I have sugar in the tea.
Now that's sweet.
Funnily enough I was observing my bare midriff before having a shower earlier today, astonished by myself at the fact that with no willpower, and no considerate focused effort, my little womanly bump that was once my stomach has gotten smaller.
I know I shouldn't be so picky with myself (but I am me, and I'm allowed to be how I like I think) but in my dangeorus pursuit of perfection, I want to have a flat tummy. I've seen supermodels on the catwalk with a similar type stomach to mine: you know the one that has a slight bulb in the lower stomach? It's just genetics and the type of body you have. I know that. But it's still not good enough for me. And seeing supermodels like that made me feel a little better. But I'm Miss S and I'm stupidly difficult.
So should I eat more cake? Will that do it? LOL. Can you imagine the joy for women around the world "Eat more cake, you will get a flat belly!"
As much as I wished that were the case for me and my fellow women around the world, I have a feeling that it's more to do with my changed lifestyle since marriage: eating less carbs (mum used to stuff me with them), doing housework (I was a princess at home with my parents) and also the stairs at home. Yes those stairs, the stupid ones I fell down. When I walk properly and I'm not tripping over stupid slippers, I walk up and down the stairs, and I think all this combined eating differently, and being physically-active activity has done it. And an attitude of constantly looking at my midriff and saying "it's flatter."
Honestly, I do not lie, I really believe that saying postive affirmations to yourself works. But you have to take steps towards reaching your goal as well. Which in a roundabout way, I have done.
So, how did I get from deliciously sweet cakes to my stomach?
I don't care. All I care about is that I have one of my Collingwood cupcakes waiting for me in my locker, to have as dessert after my dinner tonight...... :-D
I made Collingwood inspired cupcakes on Friday night, in support of my team ACTUALLY winning. But that didn't happen. We still enjoyed the cupcakes though. I bought (most of) them to the grand final party Hubbie and I were invited to: they were a chocolate quick-mix cupcake with a dark chocolate ganache as frosting, and white chocolate melts and white chocolate bits as decoration, to give the effect of a 'magic mushroom' as the recipe called it. But I looked at it as black and white colours, (if you squint) therefore Collingwood cupcakes.
They were good.
Then we saw some of our other footy mad friends on Sunday arvo, and I received a whole plate full of leftover cakes from their grand final footy party the day before.
There was a combination of tiramisu, white chocolate cheesecake and also chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing, and white choc bits throughout it, to represent the Maggies.
YYUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
All soooooo good.
So this whole week I have been having, like, 2 cakes a day. Taking them to work, eating it with dinner/lunch.
Today I've come in to work, and it's my boss' birthday. And guess what is on one of the benches here: small little teeny tiny cupcakes.
YUM!
I've just eaten one, and thank goodness for it's size as they are so incredibly sweet. The icing is so sweet, it makes the vanilla flavoured Melbourne black tea I'm drinking not taste so sweet. And I have sugar in the tea.
Now that's sweet.
Funnily enough I was observing my bare midriff before having a shower earlier today, astonished by myself at the fact that with no willpower, and no considerate focused effort, my little womanly bump that was once my stomach has gotten smaller.
I know I shouldn't be so picky with myself (but I am me, and I'm allowed to be how I like I think) but in my dangeorus pursuit of perfection, I want to have a flat tummy. I've seen supermodels on the catwalk with a similar type stomach to mine: you know the one that has a slight bulb in the lower stomach? It's just genetics and the type of body you have. I know that. But it's still not good enough for me. And seeing supermodels like that made me feel a little better. But I'm Miss S and I'm stupidly difficult.
So should I eat more cake? Will that do it? LOL. Can you imagine the joy for women around the world "Eat more cake, you will get a flat belly!"
As much as I wished that were the case for me and my fellow women around the world, I have a feeling that it's more to do with my changed lifestyle since marriage: eating less carbs (mum used to stuff me with them), doing housework (I was a princess at home with my parents) and also the stairs at home. Yes those stairs, the stupid ones I fell down. When I walk properly and I'm not tripping over stupid slippers, I walk up and down the stairs, and I think all this combined eating differently, and being physically-active activity has done it. And an attitude of constantly looking at my midriff and saying "it's flatter."
Honestly, I do not lie, I really believe that saying postive affirmations to yourself works. But you have to take steps towards reaching your goal as well. Which in a roundabout way, I have done.
So, how did I get from deliciously sweet cakes to my stomach?
I don't care. All I care about is that I have one of my Collingwood cupcakes waiting for me in my locker, to have as dessert after my dinner tonight...... :-D
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Great, thanks
So I did have a truly awesome birthday celebration in true Miss S extravaganza style. Sorry I should say celebrations.
I think my new age has brought with it a little bit more maturity. Although there were things that happened over my birthday weekend that would have normally upset me, that would have made me focus and concentrate on pesky miniscule non-issues, instead I've been trying, somewhat successfully, to let it all go, and just relax.
For example, my Friday night out. It only ended up being 7 of us in total. Despite several work friends saying they were coming, and despite my cousins Legs and Hair promising they would be there, as well as some other friends, none of the above mentioned came: work duties prevailed, tiredness, soreness and general lack of motivation. The 15-ish number I expected to come, halved.
I made a split decision in that moment on Friday night. Receiving those regretful messages on my mobile I thought "this is the moment that will create the rest of my night.... how will I respond to it?"
After a tiny bit of "ohhhhh" and disappointment, I decided to let it all go and focus on having an awesome night. And I did!
Similarly, when 2 of our closest friends couldn't make it to my house party on Saturday night, I did revert back to whingy, whiny unhappy 2-year-old tantrum Miss S: "But I don't want them to be sick! Why are they sick??"
But again, I put on my positive mask, and really, with the 20-odd people I had there that night, it really wasn't that bad losing 2, as we had our hands tied with everyone else. And it meant that our friends who missed it came by last night (resulting in a very late night I might add, yawn!) prolonging my birthday celebrations even FURTHER!
See, positive, positive? LOL.
It's so easy. So easy to just fall into that negative downward spiral. Especially when in the past year I've had people in my close circle of family and friends disappoint me in various ways. The best thing that has happened to me of late is the talk I had with my mum and my sister. I'm thinking of the words that my sister said to me, telling me that she's seen me so angry and negative, so tense and mad, and thought to herself that that's not me. I'd let myself turn into a person I'm not.
So now I'm focusing on the good, ol' Miss S.
Yes, I could choose to be upset about my cousins promising to come to my party, and then not following through. Rather than be upset, I should focus on the reasons why, and realise that no human is a superbeing. No one person can do everything at the same time, and expect to be everywhere at once. Their intention was there, despite their failing to show. And if I feel that I'm not as close to them as I used to be (and I do really feel that), well I should look at myself. I should look at what I can do for them, to show them I care. Which I will endeavour to do over the coming months.
As for work friends...... well, that's just the way it is. And although I didn't know how I was going to come back to work today after my week off, and whether or not I'd drop a comment like "no one from work came," when I came in, I saw that they actually looked like they cared about me! I mean my boss was really nice, all sorry about missing the night out, others were actively asking me about my birthday and my time off, I even had a birthday card on my desk from one of them, apologies from another...... and you know what? I thought to myself, if I had been in their position, of being invited to one of their parties with the probability that I may be the only one there amongst work friends.... I wouldn't have gone either.
I've come to the conclusion, that with work colleagues, it's fine to not see each other outside of work. As long as we're nice whilst at work, well I think that's all that really matters. We do get along. We just have different interests and friends outside of work, which makes perfect, complete sense. And I'm okay with that.
I think the whole key here, is when faced with such a problem, whether with a family member, close friend, or work colleague, whatever a person may be to you, is to ask yourself:
"what would I do in their position?"
"what can I do in our relationship to make this better?"
and most importantly, to not look at any issue in the upmost negative light. Rather than jumping the gun and going straight to the worst possible scenario, think of the more probable one.
If someone doesn't come to your party, it's not because they hate you; maybe they got tied up. Maybe they're tired. On the other side of town. They have a sore back. They don't wanna come alone. Explanations like that are so much more easier to deal with, for mind, body and spirit.
I think the worst thing is to feel like you're entitled, like you're owed something. No one owes you anything. You will only get things from putting work into it. And unless you look at what you can do, all you will continue to get is the same negative feelings of "why didn't they/couldn't they/wouldn't they...."
your WHOLE life.
When I think about it (yes I am thinking A LOT lately) the 7 people I had on Friday night, coupled with the 20 on Saturday.... that's 27 people. 27 people who care for me, love me, and made the time and effort to see me for my birthday.
That's a lot. What are the statistics, something like having only 2 or 3 real friends in your whole life? I compare that with all the people I've seen this last weekend, and including our awesome buddies last night, and I can't help but smile. My statistics are awesome. Quality not quantity, remember?
There. Now I'm done with my little Dr Phil spiel. I think I'll go now and make some light-hearted convo with my work buddies.....
I think my new age has brought with it a little bit more maturity. Although there were things that happened over my birthday weekend that would have normally upset me, that would have made me focus and concentrate on pesky miniscule non-issues, instead I've been trying, somewhat successfully, to let it all go, and just relax.
For example, my Friday night out. It only ended up being 7 of us in total. Despite several work friends saying they were coming, and despite my cousins Legs and Hair promising they would be there, as well as some other friends, none of the above mentioned came: work duties prevailed, tiredness, soreness and general lack of motivation. The 15-ish number I expected to come, halved.
I made a split decision in that moment on Friday night. Receiving those regretful messages on my mobile I thought "this is the moment that will create the rest of my night.... how will I respond to it?"
After a tiny bit of "ohhhhh" and disappointment, I decided to let it all go and focus on having an awesome night. And I did!
Similarly, when 2 of our closest friends couldn't make it to my house party on Saturday night, I did revert back to whingy, whiny unhappy 2-year-old tantrum Miss S: "But I don't want them to be sick! Why are they sick??"
But again, I put on my positive mask, and really, with the 20-odd people I had there that night, it really wasn't that bad losing 2, as we had our hands tied with everyone else. And it meant that our friends who missed it came by last night (resulting in a very late night I might add, yawn!) prolonging my birthday celebrations even FURTHER!
See, positive, positive? LOL.
It's so easy. So easy to just fall into that negative downward spiral. Especially when in the past year I've had people in my close circle of family and friends disappoint me in various ways. The best thing that has happened to me of late is the talk I had with my mum and my sister. I'm thinking of the words that my sister said to me, telling me that she's seen me so angry and negative, so tense and mad, and thought to herself that that's not me. I'd let myself turn into a person I'm not.
So now I'm focusing on the good, ol' Miss S.
Yes, I could choose to be upset about my cousins promising to come to my party, and then not following through. Rather than be upset, I should focus on the reasons why, and realise that no human is a superbeing. No one person can do everything at the same time, and expect to be everywhere at once. Their intention was there, despite their failing to show. And if I feel that I'm not as close to them as I used to be (and I do really feel that), well I should look at myself. I should look at what I can do for them, to show them I care. Which I will endeavour to do over the coming months.
As for work friends...... well, that's just the way it is. And although I didn't know how I was going to come back to work today after my week off, and whether or not I'd drop a comment like "no one from work came," when I came in, I saw that they actually looked like they cared about me! I mean my boss was really nice, all sorry about missing the night out, others were actively asking me about my birthday and my time off, I even had a birthday card on my desk from one of them, apologies from another...... and you know what? I thought to myself, if I had been in their position, of being invited to one of their parties with the probability that I may be the only one there amongst work friends.... I wouldn't have gone either.
I've come to the conclusion, that with work colleagues, it's fine to not see each other outside of work. As long as we're nice whilst at work, well I think that's all that really matters. We do get along. We just have different interests and friends outside of work, which makes perfect, complete sense. And I'm okay with that.
I think the whole key here, is when faced with such a problem, whether with a family member, close friend, or work colleague, whatever a person may be to you, is to ask yourself:
"what would I do in their position?"
"what can I do in our relationship to make this better?"
and most importantly, to not look at any issue in the upmost negative light. Rather than jumping the gun and going straight to the worst possible scenario, think of the more probable one.
If someone doesn't come to your party, it's not because they hate you; maybe they got tied up. Maybe they're tired. On the other side of town. They have a sore back. They don't wanna come alone. Explanations like that are so much more easier to deal with, for mind, body and spirit.
I think the worst thing is to feel like you're entitled, like you're owed something. No one owes you anything. You will only get things from putting work into it. And unless you look at what you can do, all you will continue to get is the same negative feelings of "why didn't they/couldn't they/wouldn't they...."
your WHOLE life.
When I think about it (yes I am thinking A LOT lately) the 7 people I had on Friday night, coupled with the 20 on Saturday.... that's 27 people. 27 people who care for me, love me, and made the time and effort to see me for my birthday.
That's a lot. What are the statistics, something like having only 2 or 3 real friends in your whole life? I compare that with all the people I've seen this last weekend, and including our awesome buddies last night, and I can't help but smile. My statistics are awesome. Quality not quantity, remember?
There. Now I'm done with my little Dr Phil spiel. I think I'll go now and make some light-hearted convo with my work buddies.....
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Surprise in Me
Have you ever wondered to yourself, if you belong here?
I guess the answer to that might be along the lines of, "what do you define as 'here'?"
These funny thoughts of mine came as a result of Friday night. In the midst of my work marathon (BTW, 8-2 today!) I went out for some work drinks as part of a catch up we had organised with a former work colleague who is recently back in the country. I know, I know, I said my weekend would be void of any drinking, but in defence, I had ONE drink, over the space of 2 hours, and I didn't really enjoy myself. Hence this post.
I was there with only 2 other work people, not including the 'special guest' of the evening being our former work pal, and it was a mildly ok night. However by the end of it, driving home, there was just one continuous thought that could not escape my mind. I don't belong there.
When I first started work at my current employer, the change hit me like a tonne of bricks. I really felt the difference, and I mainly attributed it to ethnic background. All the employers I'd previously worked for had some sort of distinguishable ethnic/cultural background, of which I could easily relate to, due to my own ethnic background. By distinguishable, I mean having a second language, or perhaps living as a second generation Australian, where you still partake in and are an somewhat active participant when it comes to events derived from your parents cultural roots.
And without stereotyping, these sort of people, of who I am clearly a part of, well we are different to the 'others.' We are actively interested in each others lives, we are considerate, and of course the obvious, we have very similar upbringings, having more often than not lived with our parents until marriage, having large families, and a HUGE circle of friends.
Most of the people that work here, are mainly without any cultural associations or have any close ancestral roots. They don't think much of religion, family, and live a fairly wild life. Although I myself am not a preacher, I still firmly believe in a certain kind of religion, and so I have Faith. And at the same time I am a very open believer. I like to see the way different people live, I am open to new things, and I definitely do not judge others. So, although the change was definitely felt, I didn't neccessarily have a freak out about my new surroundings.
It was a very hard first few months. You could even say a hard first year. I found it hard to fit in amongst the very clique-y groups. No one really made an effort with me. I was more used to being babied and catered to when it came to new surroundings. But here I realised that wasn't going to happen. If you didn't talk about your weekend, no one was going to ask. If you didn't try and make friends, no one was going to go out of their way to say hello to you. It was a very fend-for-yourself environment. I am not naturally the loudest person, especially in new situations. And although I'd been building my self-esteem and confidence throughout the years following uni, I still had a long way to go, especially when confronted with what was at work.
However, in time, things sort of fell into place. I think it was both parties coming together at once: I became a bit more foward, and others became a bit more considerate. And I started to realise that the people around here were really pretty good. And they were a lot like me, just trying to get by day to day, fit in, yet have fun. We may all be from different places, but essentially, we all have the same kind of story.
When I'm talking one-on-one with one of my work colleagues, or even if there's a group of us, it's really quite good. We talk, have fun, joke and muck around. As is normal in small teams/departments, you get to really know one other and start to develop your own inside jokes. I really do enjoy the job, I enjoy them, and there are days when something that has been bothering me in my personal non-related work life, just fades away when I'm at work, because things are so easy.
Despite all this, I've noticed more often than not, that when we are all in a social situation, such as having after work drinks, or a colleagues birthday party, that I see the many differences between us all too easily. Perhaps I should re-phrase that. I see all the differences between me and them, all too easily. I used to think that it was just me, and that I needed to speak up more, be more interactive with the group. But knowing how much more confident I am in the workplace now, I really don't believe that to be the case. It's just a case of personality difference.
Either they will bring up a music group, or a song I don't know of. They'll talk about a party they went to, where they had soooooo much fun. A party that I didn't go to, but not because I hadn't been invited; I just didn't feel comfortable, what with their bonging, and smoking behaviour. They'll talk about past friends, past parties. They talk about future gatherings, seedy pubs and bars where they hang out. I know the picture I'm painting of them isn't the nicest, but I did say wild.
And meanwhile I just sit there, smiling, nodding, trying to think of something to say, when I really can't contribute ANYTHING. Because what can I say when I don't like/are a part of/have experienced anything they are saying???
Then when they do start talking about something I can contribute to, by that stage I'm seriously over it. I've started to invert into my shell, I just smile, and nod, and laugh at regular intervals, but I really just want to go home. Which I do end up doing sooner rather than later. I know that they don't do it on purpose, they don't deliberately shut me out. They are just speaking, as a group, so therefore they share their group likes and interests.
So it ends up being a me:them thing. I feel so out of place, so not in my zone, that I can't help being sad. There is nothing I can do, and there is nothing to do, because it's just them being them, and me being me. We're all just being ourselves, which is the most frustrating thing of all.
And it's not that I necessarily hate the difference of interests/likes, the comparison of lifestyles. What I hate is that when they become them, I turn into myself, and go backwards. Instead of opening up and being sure of myself, I become just the opposite. Shy, insecure and nervous. And the fact that they are viewing me as that, well, to them I become that. To them I become shy, insecure and nervous. But I'm not that. To be perceived in that way, is the hardest thing.
I hate it.
And I think that's one of the reasons why I love surprising people so much when it comes to my personality. They think they know me, and BANG!..... they don't.
One of my all-time favourite compliments, is when someone says to me or to someone else "What? Miss S did/said that?"
I love it:)
My earliest memory of ever such a thing, was when I was 16. I had decided during the summer, inspired by Dawson Leery of His-name Creek fame, that I was going to make a documentary of my friends and I over the summer. It was going to be about the transitional period of our lives at that moment, what with growing up, merging into V.C.E, and starting to make future choices for ourselves. It was also going to be biographical, in discovering all of our likes, dislikes, catfights, objects of affection, and most importantly, our friendships with one another.
One thing I did, was when we were in a group environment one day, I got everyone to speak about one person, one of the girls in our group, so that not only we could share our experiences about that person, but so that the person would also get a sense of what they meant to us and how they were perceived. It was perhaps one of the most fun, enlightening and heart-warming things we ever did as a group, as every person that day went home feeling light, happy and loved. I remember my bit, obviously because I edited it old-school way but also because I have it on VCR (!), but my friends cried out "hey! we need to do it on Miss S!"
And so it began, they started listing all my qualities, personality traits. And one of the girls there, said "Miss S is mysterious. You think you know her and then she goes and does something totally unexpected!" They all agreed, talking about times when they'd heard I'd done or said something, the surprising news always ending with "What? Miss S did that??!!"
My best friend, Red, said then "Yes, but that's what she loves. She wants to be mysterious."
Ahhh yes. And that's why Red is still my best friend.
I've never forgotten that moment. Just a fleeting, passing conversation, but it has always stuck in my head. It struck a chord with me, because it was the moment that I myself realised, that what my other friend had said then was true. I was mysterious. And as Red had added, I liked it.
Funnily enough, the friend who actually brought it up, well we're not friends anymore, we had a falling out soon after. But she will always have this weird, unexplained place in my heart, because of what she said. It remains one of my most favourite compliments ever.
And similarly, only a week ago, I had a stressed out work moment. I was working on something, and once I had almost finished I realised that my initial calculations about my project were wrong. It was the end of the day, I had wanted to finish more work, but now all I wanted to do was go home. And I was going to go home unhappy because I hadn't achieved what I'd wanted to for the day. Well, I decided to look at it fresh the next day, but not before leaving a passing goodbye for the wretched thing. I left a comment along the lines of "F*#^ing giving up!"
The next day when I came in, my overnight suspicions had come true: my boss had seen my comment. Luckily enough she was cruisy about it, we had a laugh, and after I assured her that no, I didn't need anyone else to finish it, I just needed the overnight break, I went on with my work. When I spoke about the funny incident to a work colleague, she was laughing, saying that our boss had actually brought it up with her, and had made the comment "Miss S wrote this! I couldn't believe it when I saw it!"
We laughed some more, but even later on I had a small smile that played on my lips, as I realised my great joy at having someone be surprised by my actions. Knowing that they didn't know me as much as they think they did, and therefore, I wasn't the person, the shy, insecure and nervous person that they thought I was, brought me great satisfaction.
And that's what it comes down to I think. Yes, I like portraying myself as a mysterious person. For a fact, I know that people can't get to know me, until I let them. When I'm with MY people, I am Miss S. Confident, talkative, friendly, funny and cheeky all in one. But when I'm not in my zone, I feel out of place, and that's when unfortunately, I revert to bad habits. I become who I'm not, and when others perceive me as something that I definitely am not, that's when it hurts. Because I'm so much more than the protective outer shell I put on display.
So when people who think they know me, discover a crack in my hard case, and suddenly a bright shining light filters through, they get a glimpse of who I am...... and that's when I get happy.
I want to be seen as me. As the true shining person I am.
As essentially, basically and deeply,
as naturally, magnificently and truly,
as only,
always, Miss S.
I guess the answer to that might be along the lines of, "what do you define as 'here'?"
These funny thoughts of mine came as a result of Friday night. In the midst of my work marathon (BTW, 8-2 today!) I went out for some work drinks as part of a catch up we had organised with a former work colleague who is recently back in the country. I know, I know, I said my weekend would be void of any drinking, but in defence, I had ONE drink, over the space of 2 hours, and I didn't really enjoy myself. Hence this post.
I was there with only 2 other work people, not including the 'special guest' of the evening being our former work pal, and it was a mildly ok night. However by the end of it, driving home, there was just one continuous thought that could not escape my mind. I don't belong there.
When I first started work at my current employer, the change hit me like a tonne of bricks. I really felt the difference, and I mainly attributed it to ethnic background. All the employers I'd previously worked for had some sort of distinguishable ethnic/cultural background, of which I could easily relate to, due to my own ethnic background. By distinguishable, I mean having a second language, or perhaps living as a second generation Australian, where you still partake in and are an somewhat active participant when it comes to events derived from your parents cultural roots.
And without stereotyping, these sort of people, of who I am clearly a part of, well we are different to the 'others.' We are actively interested in each others lives, we are considerate, and of course the obvious, we have very similar upbringings, having more often than not lived with our parents until marriage, having large families, and a HUGE circle of friends.
Most of the people that work here, are mainly without any cultural associations or have any close ancestral roots. They don't think much of religion, family, and live a fairly wild life. Although I myself am not a preacher, I still firmly believe in a certain kind of religion, and so I have Faith. And at the same time I am a very open believer. I like to see the way different people live, I am open to new things, and I definitely do not judge others. So, although the change was definitely felt, I didn't neccessarily have a freak out about my new surroundings.
It was a very hard first few months. You could even say a hard first year. I found it hard to fit in amongst the very clique-y groups. No one really made an effort with me. I was more used to being babied and catered to when it came to new surroundings. But here I realised that wasn't going to happen. If you didn't talk about your weekend, no one was going to ask. If you didn't try and make friends, no one was going to go out of their way to say hello to you. It was a very fend-for-yourself environment. I am not naturally the loudest person, especially in new situations. And although I'd been building my self-esteem and confidence throughout the years following uni, I still had a long way to go, especially when confronted with what was at work.
However, in time, things sort of fell into place. I think it was both parties coming together at once: I became a bit more foward, and others became a bit more considerate. And I started to realise that the people around here were really pretty good. And they were a lot like me, just trying to get by day to day, fit in, yet have fun. We may all be from different places, but essentially, we all have the same kind of story.
When I'm talking one-on-one with one of my work colleagues, or even if there's a group of us, it's really quite good. We talk, have fun, joke and muck around. As is normal in small teams/departments, you get to really know one other and start to develop your own inside jokes. I really do enjoy the job, I enjoy them, and there are days when something that has been bothering me in my personal non-related work life, just fades away when I'm at work, because things are so easy.
Despite all this, I've noticed more often than not, that when we are all in a social situation, such as having after work drinks, or a colleagues birthday party, that I see the many differences between us all too easily. Perhaps I should re-phrase that. I see all the differences between me and them, all too easily. I used to think that it was just me, and that I needed to speak up more, be more interactive with the group. But knowing how much more confident I am in the workplace now, I really don't believe that to be the case. It's just a case of personality difference.
Either they will bring up a music group, or a song I don't know of. They'll talk about a party they went to, where they had soooooo much fun. A party that I didn't go to, but not because I hadn't been invited; I just didn't feel comfortable, what with their bonging, and smoking behaviour. They'll talk about past friends, past parties. They talk about future gatherings, seedy pubs and bars where they hang out. I know the picture I'm painting of them isn't the nicest, but I did say wild.
And meanwhile I just sit there, smiling, nodding, trying to think of something to say, when I really can't contribute ANYTHING. Because what can I say when I don't like/are a part of/have experienced anything they are saying???
Then when they do start talking about something I can contribute to, by that stage I'm seriously over it. I've started to invert into my shell, I just smile, and nod, and laugh at regular intervals, but I really just want to go home. Which I do end up doing sooner rather than later. I know that they don't do it on purpose, they don't deliberately shut me out. They are just speaking, as a group, so therefore they share their group likes and interests.
So it ends up being a me:them thing. I feel so out of place, so not in my zone, that I can't help being sad. There is nothing I can do, and there is nothing to do, because it's just them being them, and me being me. We're all just being ourselves, which is the most frustrating thing of all.
And it's not that I necessarily hate the difference of interests/likes, the comparison of lifestyles. What I hate is that when they become them, I turn into myself, and go backwards. Instead of opening up and being sure of myself, I become just the opposite. Shy, insecure and nervous. And the fact that they are viewing me as that, well, to them I become that. To them I become shy, insecure and nervous. But I'm not that. To be perceived in that way, is the hardest thing.
I hate it.
And I think that's one of the reasons why I love surprising people so much when it comes to my personality. They think they know me, and BANG!..... they don't.
One of my all-time favourite compliments, is when someone says to me or to someone else "What? Miss S did/said that?"
I love it:)
My earliest memory of ever such a thing, was when I was 16. I had decided during the summer, inspired by Dawson Leery of His-name Creek fame, that I was going to make a documentary of my friends and I over the summer. It was going to be about the transitional period of our lives at that moment, what with growing up, merging into V.C.E, and starting to make future choices for ourselves. It was also going to be biographical, in discovering all of our likes, dislikes, catfights, objects of affection, and most importantly, our friendships with one another.
One thing I did, was when we were in a group environment one day, I got everyone to speak about one person, one of the girls in our group, so that not only we could share our experiences about that person, but so that the person would also get a sense of what they meant to us and how they were perceived. It was perhaps one of the most fun, enlightening and heart-warming things we ever did as a group, as every person that day went home feeling light, happy and loved. I remember my bit, obviously because I edited it old-school way but also because I have it on VCR (!), but my friends cried out "hey! we need to do it on Miss S!"
And so it began, they started listing all my qualities, personality traits. And one of the girls there, said "Miss S is mysterious. You think you know her and then she goes and does something totally unexpected!" They all agreed, talking about times when they'd heard I'd done or said something, the surprising news always ending with "What? Miss S did that??!!"
My best friend, Red, said then "Yes, but that's what she loves. She wants to be mysterious."
Ahhh yes. And that's why Red is still my best friend.
I've never forgotten that moment. Just a fleeting, passing conversation, but it has always stuck in my head. It struck a chord with me, because it was the moment that I myself realised, that what my other friend had said then was true. I was mysterious. And as Red had added, I liked it.
Funnily enough, the friend who actually brought it up, well we're not friends anymore, we had a falling out soon after. But she will always have this weird, unexplained place in my heart, because of what she said. It remains one of my most favourite compliments ever.
And similarly, only a week ago, I had a stressed out work moment. I was working on something, and once I had almost finished I realised that my initial calculations about my project were wrong. It was the end of the day, I had wanted to finish more work, but now all I wanted to do was go home. And I was going to go home unhappy because I hadn't achieved what I'd wanted to for the day. Well, I decided to look at it fresh the next day, but not before leaving a passing goodbye for the wretched thing. I left a comment along the lines of "F*#^ing giving up!"
The next day when I came in, my overnight suspicions had come true: my boss had seen my comment. Luckily enough she was cruisy about it, we had a laugh, and after I assured her that no, I didn't need anyone else to finish it, I just needed the overnight break, I went on with my work. When I spoke about the funny incident to a work colleague, she was laughing, saying that our boss had actually brought it up with her, and had made the comment "Miss S wrote this! I couldn't believe it when I saw it!"
We laughed some more, but even later on I had a small smile that played on my lips, as I realised my great joy at having someone be surprised by my actions. Knowing that they didn't know me as much as they think they did, and therefore, I wasn't the person, the shy, insecure and nervous person that they thought I was, brought me great satisfaction.
And that's what it comes down to I think. Yes, I like portraying myself as a mysterious person. For a fact, I know that people can't get to know me, until I let them. When I'm with MY people, I am Miss S. Confident, talkative, friendly, funny and cheeky all in one. But when I'm not in my zone, I feel out of place, and that's when unfortunately, I revert to bad habits. I become who I'm not, and when others perceive me as something that I definitely am not, that's when it hurts. Because I'm so much more than the protective outer shell I put on display.
So when people who think they know me, discover a crack in my hard case, and suddenly a bright shining light filters through, they get a glimpse of who I am...... and that's when I get happy.
I want to be seen as me. As the true shining person I am.
As essentially, basically and deeply,
as naturally, magnificently and truly,
as only,
always, Miss S.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dear: The Hoverer
Dear: The Hoverer
Could you please not hover over/beside/near/around the corner from me at work? It is really frustrating and puts me off my work duties, such as checking emails, surfing the net, reading blogs and other miscellaneous web-related activities.
It's not that I feel guilty doing things other than work: no, to the contrary, I am relaxing from all the pressure of work life, and giving myself a well-deserved break after killing myself to get all the schedules done for the day. So now I choose to rest and relax. Just as you seem to choose to hover annoyingly over me.
And pace. I don't know which is worse. When you hover I try to listen, perk my ears up, to try work out whether you are on my left or right, whether you are directly behind me watching me work, or only a few steps away, waiting and watching to catch someone, anyone, out of line.
When you pace, it is unexpected. You appear suddenly out of the corner, striding down the passageway towards me. And just when I think you're out of sight, I click my web browser window back to the main screen, only to have you unexpectedly turn back, coming the way you came from, leaving me to frantically rummage with my computer mouse to click to a work screen, in order to not make you suspicious of my work activities.
Because there is nothing suspicious. I am merely resting. Relaxing. Taking a break from the busy-ness and stress.
You make me stress more. So I must relax more. The more you hover and pace the more and longer I must relax. Because your annoying work habits prolong my rest. Really, it's true.
And I need to hide my activities from you. Because you are my Grand-Daddy Boss - only in the hierarchical sense, definitely not in the other sense, eeeeew, yuck! - and in the end, you are in charge.
So please go away. You are cramping my non work-related style.
Could you please not hover over/beside/near/around the corner from me at work? It is really frustrating and puts me off my work duties, such as checking emails, surfing the net, reading blogs and other miscellaneous web-related activities.
It's not that I feel guilty doing things other than work: no, to the contrary, I am relaxing from all the pressure of work life, and giving myself a well-deserved break after killing myself to get all the schedules done for the day. So now I choose to rest and relax. Just as you seem to choose to hover annoyingly over me.
And pace. I don't know which is worse. When you hover I try to listen, perk my ears up, to try work out whether you are on my left or right, whether you are directly behind me watching me work, or only a few steps away, waiting and watching to catch someone, anyone, out of line.
When you pace, it is unexpected. You appear suddenly out of the corner, striding down the passageway towards me. And just when I think you're out of sight, I click my web browser window back to the main screen, only to have you unexpectedly turn back, coming the way you came from, leaving me to frantically rummage with my computer mouse to click to a work screen, in order to not make you suspicious of my work activities.
Because there is nothing suspicious. I am merely resting. Relaxing. Taking a break from the busy-ness and stress.
You make me stress more. So I must relax more. The more you hover and pace the more and longer I must relax. Because your annoying work habits prolong my rest. Really, it's true.
And I need to hide my activities from you. Because you are my Grand-Daddy Boss - only in the hierarchical sense, definitely not in the other sense, eeeeew, yuck! - and in the end, you are in charge.
So please go away. You are cramping my non work-related style.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
M.I.A: A Poem
In light of the fact that I have been totally absent from blogging for what seems like forever, rather than chronicle the exciting and fantastic adventures of my everyday life in an effort to update the blog world, I decided to compose a poem.
Ahem.
The biggest news I have to share
Would be about our latest dare
We bought a block of land you see
A house to build upon will be
My Swedish friend came back to visit
(Odd to visit her home don't you think?)
Nonetheless we all had fun
And back in December she will come
Another friend of mine did wed
For 8 years now a life they'd shared
The day was great! we talked, laughed and danced
And took stupid photos 'til we pissed our pants
My cousin came from overseas
And I took her out to a Hens Night Party
We had good times, took heaps of shots
(Both alcoholic and photo sorts!)
On the work front, it has been flat out
Since our boss here decided to depart
But having returned from her South African cruise
All our worries have gone, and our blues
As for my dear cousin Legs' days
She's still planning her matrimonial ways
And she has been asking me for advice
To which I think it is really nice :)
My Bestie's boy, Wine we call him
some days are good, some are a whim
It's up and down, but generally I believe,
all of us are different - so accept it, PLEASE!
My overseas bestie is planning her return
A visit only (I know, I know)
Her sister is going through a pregnancy
And a doting aunty my friend will be!
We've had an invasion of disgusting pests
Portugese Millipedes - ugh (are they migrants?)
They come into the house and slide upon our floors
And we just pick them up and hurl them outdoors
A revelation it seems 'bout Ricky Martin
He prefers men - have I been dim?
My love for his music has kept me biased
But now I must accept his truth, not deny it
Speaking of which, went to see George!
Michael that is, of Wham! days - and oh Lord
He is a true talent, genius and a star
A musical legend he is by FAR
Some sad news of late from overseas
A cousin of mine met his fate unfortunately
He died before his time, a shock for all
But when you rise too fast, eventually you must fall
Still Twilight-ing, Eclipse I have read
Starting Breaking Dawn soon - and yes I do care
These books are addictive, they make me mad!
More often than not, I go from happy to sad
A positive spin on things I try to do
It keeps me sane and feeling brand new
It's important to focus on life's good things
Like love, health and happiness, and all else that it brings.
I think that sums up the last few months perfectly. At the time I felt there was really no way I could write a blog that measured up to the immensity of information and emotion of my last blog, regarding Richard Carlson's death. But time helps you think, move on, and think of things in perspective.
So, I re-introduce myself to you, as Miss S :)
Ahem.
The biggest news I have to share
Would be about our latest dare
We bought a block of land you see
A house to build upon will be
My Swedish friend came back to visit
(Odd to visit her home don't you think?)
Nonetheless we all had fun
And back in December she will come
Another friend of mine did wed
For 8 years now a life they'd shared
The day was great! we talked, laughed and danced
And took stupid photos 'til we pissed our pants
My cousin came from overseas
And I took her out to a Hens Night Party
We had good times, took heaps of shots
(Both alcoholic and photo sorts!)
On the work front, it has been flat out
Since our boss here decided to depart
But having returned from her South African cruise
All our worries have gone, and our blues
As for my dear cousin Legs' days
She's still planning her matrimonial ways
And she has been asking me for advice
To which I think it is really nice :)
My Bestie's boy, Wine we call him
some days are good, some are a whim
It's up and down, but generally I believe,
all of us are different - so accept it, PLEASE!
My overseas bestie is planning her return
A visit only (I know, I know)
Her sister is going through a pregnancy
And a doting aunty my friend will be!
We've had an invasion of disgusting pests
Portugese Millipedes - ugh (are they migrants?)
They come into the house and slide upon our floors
And we just pick them up and hurl them outdoors
A revelation it seems 'bout Ricky Martin
He prefers men - have I been dim?
My love for his music has kept me biased
But now I must accept his truth, not deny it
Speaking of which, went to see George!
Michael that is, of Wham! days - and oh Lord
He is a true talent, genius and a star
A musical legend he is by FAR
Some sad news of late from overseas
A cousin of mine met his fate unfortunately
He died before his time, a shock for all
But when you rise too fast, eventually you must fall
Still Twilight-ing, Eclipse I have read
Starting Breaking Dawn soon - and yes I do care
These books are addictive, they make me mad!
More often than not, I go from happy to sad
A positive spin on things I try to do
It keeps me sane and feeling brand new
It's important to focus on life's good things
Like love, health and happiness, and all else that it brings.
I think that sums up the last few months perfectly. At the time I felt there was really no way I could write a blog that measured up to the immensity of information and emotion of my last blog, regarding Richard Carlson's death. But time helps you think, move on, and think of things in perspective.
So, I re-introduce myself to you, as Miss S :)
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