I need to get this out so that I can try to move on. In true OCD form I've been completely obsessing over it, and I can't take it anymore.
Let's play the hypothetical game again, with not so hypothetical people, and a not at all hypothetical situation.
Let's say, I have some really nice kitchen items. To make this game easier, I'll say I have a beautiful fruit bowl, with matching salt and pepper shakers that sit beside it. It took me ages to find something this beautiful, unique and original in the modern style Hubbie and I were going for in the kitchen (remember, hypothetical!) So when we got it and put it in there a couple of months ago, we were like "Ahhhh." Looks good.
Now, about a month ago we had Mouth over with another couple. During the course of the visit, after she had been to my kitchen, she commented to me "oh, I like your fruit bowl, and the salt and pepper shakers. Really nice. Where did you get it?"
I was probably slightly thrown by the fact that she never really notices anything or anyone but herself, and it seemed she was giving me a genuine compliment for my kitchen things. I said quite casually "oh, from blah and blah."
I didn't think much of it. I later heard from Hubbie that the other couple who were over, well the woman expressed how much she really liked my kitchen things, and added "they're from blah and blah, yeah?"
When Hubbie told me this I was like "no! She can't get the same things as us!" But the knowledge that the shopping centre we got it from wasn't exactly local, kept me secure in the fact that she wouldn't go there by herself and get them. She could just safely admire them from a dsitance whenever she was at our house.
So I forgot about it.
Just recently, we found ourselves at this woman's house. Mouth was there also, and some other people. A couple of hours into it, Hubbie whispers to me "have you been to the kitchen?"
He has a weird look on his face. "What?" I ask, confused.
"She bought the things." He's smiling but I can see his expression is really wary, judging me and how I'm going to react. My mouth drops open as I realise what he's talking about. I'm gaping.
"Don't overreact. Don't make a scene."
I get up immediately and march to the kitchen. My heart drops when I get there, when I see MY fruit browl and matching salt and pepper shakers.
I am in absolute shock. She bloody went there. She went to the shopping centre, to the exact same shop and bought the same bloody things as me. And now her kitchen looks like mine.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I am completely deflated. Dismayed, upset, devastated, shocked. Hubbie reads my face as I come and sit back down. "Don't jump, you don't know the full story. Don't be upset, ok?" I'm wondering at his words, wondering what the hell extra there is to know that would make this situation better for me, but I try to push it out of my mind, not wanting to appear obvious.
Not too long after that, I'm talking to Mouth. And somehow, in conversation, she says "so last weekend I went to blah shopping centre with woman, to get those things at blah shop, you know your kitchen things?"
All the pieces are falling into place. But it's actually getting worse for me.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, we went and bought them."
The word we I'm having an especially hard time with. It's sticking out like a sore thumb in a sentence of fingers.
"You went and bought the exact same things?" My tone is dead, expressionless. I'm numb with shock.
"Yeah." Her response is almost questioning. As if she's trying to work out what my take is on all of it.
She goes on and on as my heart sinks deeper.
"They have good priced forks there, you know," she waffles on. (hypothetical forks!)
"Yeah," I say flatly. "That's why I like it there. I like to get good, different things that arent the same as everyone else."
There's a distinct pause. I can hear her thinking. Then, because she's a fucking tool, she continues unaffected.
Phew. I need to calm down.
Perhaps I need to give you a little back story, so you can understand my strong aversion to copying.
Growing up, I had a friend, let's simply call her copy-cat. Enough said, right? In primary school she would read off my work, and when I'd catch her I'd yell out "stop copying!" She would say back angrily "I'm not copying!" And yet she would still do it, peering over my arm which I tried to protectively cover my work with.
All my friends knew. When she was near them she would try to copy their work too. But because my regular seat was next to her, I got the brunt of it.
Copy-cat and I went to the same high school. Here, I didn't have as many classes with her, but the rest of my friends there soon found out how she was, and again she was accused of copying. The annyoing thing with her was that she would copy you, and then make her work better. That was the aggravating thing. That and obviously denying that she was even plagiarising our work.
It was easier for me in high school, knowing my friends there could see what I could see. But then as I thought I lost her annoying habit, I gained the same habit in someone else. My cousins Legs and Hair.
Now I absolutely love them to pieces, I really do. But there was a time when I was growing up, and them being younger than me and looking up to me of course, that they would imitate me. They liked the things I liked. They dressed like me. And on and on. At one stage one of them confided to me that their own grandmother said to them "You should be more like Miss S." Although I was only 14 at the time, I lost it when I heard this. "Screw her! Don't be like me, or anybody else, be your own person!"
And they did, and I'm so proud of my adopted sisters for what they have grown into.
But what I'm trying to show here is that I had a lot of copying of me over the years, copying that scarred me, and that has made me want to be completely original, different and unlike anybody else. The more people copied me, the more I shied away and tried to be even more original and unique.
So that, on top of the fact that I have to mentally imagine kicking Mouth like a football far off into the distance just to get her annoyingness out of my head, has got me so unbelievably pissed off that you can't imagine.
I can't believe, that she went and bought the exact same things as me. She not only went into the same shop (which is fine) but she bought the exact same things! Has she no shame? Is she not embarrassed, does she not feel pathetic? I would be completely ashamed of buying the exact same thing as someone else, and then have them come into my house and see that I've copied them. How shameful! Shame, shame, shame.
The reason I'm not having a go at the other woman - though I am still upset! - is because Hubbie said to me not to be. She's older, and she looks at other people for home ideas. She doesn't know. I exhaled loudly when I heard this. I'm still exhaling. I wanna do it for him, but it's not easy. I would do anything for him though.
But Mouth. Mouth is younger than the woman. She's older than us. (Another shameful thing, copying people younger than you) She should know better. When the woman called Mouth and said "I want to get the same things as Miss S," Mouth should have said "No, that's embarrassing, we'll go and get something different."
Mouth, the same Mouth who would have a go at someone for copying her. The same mouth who only ever praises or talks about herself. The same mouth who never gives anyone recognition. Do you think when guests comment on her kitchen things that she's going to be honest and say "I copied Miss S' style"? No! No she won't because she is a narcissist!
Argh! I'm so furious. I can't take it. The saying about imitation being flattery, is a load of bullshit. It's not flattery for someone whose suffered the effects of people trying to steal her style for only HER ENTIRE LIFE.
It absolutely boils me to my core. Do not copy me! Especially you, Mouth! I can't stand it, I'm absolutely fuming with anger.
Hubbie and I don't have the biggest house. But with what we have, we try to make the best of it, and put really fine touches to our house to make it unique. We buy quality items, interesting pieces, and all the furnishings show attention to detail and careful planning. Both Mouth and woman have big, new houses. Do they have to take the one thing I have, my style? Do they want that too? What else do they want from me, my life?
Leave me with the one thing I have, please. Leave me that. But no, they had to take it. SHE had to take it.
These obsessive fiery thoughts would not stop going around and around in my head yesterday. I had to talk to Sis. She is awesome, she is so awesome that my next post will be about her, to counteract the angst that is Mouth and everything about her that I despise.
Sis helped me. She tried to get me to see it in a different light. She suggested the conclusions that Hubbie and I had already come to: that we don't tell them where we buy our things in the future - we be vague if ever asked; and that this whole situation was a lesson learnt for the future. She didn't see it in the way I did, because she says she's had a friend copy her thing, and she's even copied another friend for something. But see, it's the way you go about it. My sister is very honest, and would admit to the person how much she loved it and that she was intending to buy one for herself. Mouth however is sneaky. She gives me praise - just enough - but not so much that I thought she really liked it. Then she organised a shopping day with woman, they went off and bought it without a mention of it to Hubbie and I. When it was too late, it was all bought and done.
Hubbie agrees. He's not so hung up on it as I am, but when I asked him, he admitted "I'm spewing." He didn't have to have someone copy him his whole life to make him want to be original and have different things. It's so annoying.
You know what else? We have this other 'kitchen item' a 'coffee machine' (not really, still hypothetical!) that she's asked us about, and I've said that we've bought it in a far-off region. She also knows that some of our other home furnishings are from that 'far-off region.' Guess where Mouth and her family went a couple of weeks ago? To the far-off region! What, you need another coffee machine? Get your own fucking style you leeches!
Geez, do they want to copy our whole house? The thing that peeves me off, is as I said in reference to my Sis, they're not honest. Admit you like it. Say it out loud and MEAN IT. Unlike them, who often snub their noses at things we've seen, things we've bought, and things we've done (like going to the far-off region) and then they explode with fireworks and expect you to shower them with attention when THEY GO!
I know, I know. Narcissists, in every sense of the word.
We're actually going to find a whole new, different, unique and original fruit bowl with matching salt and pepper shakers. In a couple of months we're going to a similar far-off region, and I'm going to go into as many shops there as I can, and find something bigger and better. (See how we have to buy something different because of other, annoying people?)
And THEN when they say "oh, you have different ones?!"
I'M going to say "yes, I like to have truly original pieces unlike anything anyone else has."
And I hope that that boils her and makes her feel PATHETIC. Copy cat.
What I hope for most? That after this realisation I make her come to (and I will) that she will always see my face in her fruit bowl and salt and pepper shakers. Forever.
And I hope she can live with herself for that. Because denial doesn't ever change the fact.
Showing posts with label narcissism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcissism. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The 'But' Ones
WARNING WARNING WARNING.
Please be alert, alarmed, and on the lookout for the 'But' ones.
No, I am not channelling Sir Mix-a-Lot, this has nothing to do with derrieres.
It's everything to do with another category I like to call 'annoying people.'
There aren't many out there, however when in contact with one, it's important to know what you're looking for so that you can make a quick escape. If in contact with more than one, I suggest you run screaming for the hills.
Identifying factors of this minority group include phrases like this:
"But I think you should have done this."
"But you should be upset with yourself, not her."
"But what about your travel time?"
"But what if he takes you for a ride?"
"But that doesn't matter."
"But that's wrong!"
As you can see from the above, the clearest most identifying factor of this sub-category annoying group is the use of the word 'But.' Not only do they use the term at the beginning of all of their sentences, but the conclusion and intention of all their words is to oppose whatever it is you are saying, no matter what it is.
Other identifyings attributes of this group that don't necessary include the word 'but,' however are minor clues that you may have a problem case on your hands, include:
- vague acknowledgement of your acheivements, to the point of a faint nod or changing of the topic
- turning the attention back to themselves after you've finished speaking, every chance they get
- an arrogant, superior attitude, that they are more experienced/smarter/better than you are
All of these identifying traits point to a species that needs to downplay the acheivements, views and general preferences of others in order to retain a sense of self-worth and importance. They are a highly immature species, their developmental stage seemingly stuck in an adolescent period; this is why they are unable to praise or give attention to others, they are highly selfish and want it all to themselves.
Their irrational behaviours stem from a deep insecurity that they are not important enough: their lack of development means it is especially unlikely that they are able to progress through this vulnerability on their own terms, and any support or guidance offered to them by others to help change will only be strongly refuted, as they are very stubborn, in keeping with their adolescent traits.
Due to their impossible natures, they are only ever able to find another 'But' one as a mate. Subsequently, together these mates may or may not produce further 'But' young. Here the chances are 50/50 that the young will follow in their parents footsteps. The young who are brainwashed from little will have little chances of escaping the domineering attitudes of their parents. The others may break away from their parents' pull in their teenage years, in the heartbreaking realisation that their parents are too egotistical, domineering and uptight to deal with. These courageous ones will be away to get away and make a brand new life for themselves, and will live their lives as a polar opposite to what they've been told growing up.
It is with the latter young group that we hope the future will be. As 'But' one mates with 'But' one, and they produce potential 'But' young, we can only hope that the young will have the hindsight and smarts to object to their parents rules, and make a fresh start for their generation.
The only hope is for the extinction of the 'But' ones. They are too impossible to manage. In hoping for a Darwinian-type world, a slow phasing out of their kind, via their young turning their backs to them, will be the only way to escape.
Extinction is the key.
And now to counter with a dose of, what else but....
Please be alert, alarmed, and on the lookout for the 'But' ones.
No, I am not channelling Sir Mix-a-Lot, this has nothing to do with derrieres.
It's everything to do with another category I like to call 'annoying people.'
There aren't many out there, however when in contact with one, it's important to know what you're looking for so that you can make a quick escape. If in contact with more than one, I suggest you run screaming for the hills.
Identifying factors of this minority group include phrases like this:
"But I think you should have done this."
"But you should be upset with yourself, not her."
"But what about your travel time?"
"But what if he takes you for a ride?"
"But that doesn't matter."
"But that's wrong!"
As you can see from the above, the clearest most identifying factor of this sub-category annoying group is the use of the word 'But.' Not only do they use the term at the beginning of all of their sentences, but the conclusion and intention of all their words is to oppose whatever it is you are saying, no matter what it is.
Other identifyings attributes of this group that don't necessary include the word 'but,' however are minor clues that you may have a problem case on your hands, include:
- vague acknowledgement of your acheivements, to the point of a faint nod or changing of the topic
- turning the attention back to themselves after you've finished speaking, every chance they get
- an arrogant, superior attitude, that they are more experienced/smarter/better than you are
All of these identifying traits point to a species that needs to downplay the acheivements, views and general preferences of others in order to retain a sense of self-worth and importance. They are a highly immature species, their developmental stage seemingly stuck in an adolescent period; this is why they are unable to praise or give attention to others, they are highly selfish and want it all to themselves.
Their irrational behaviours stem from a deep insecurity that they are not important enough: their lack of development means it is especially unlikely that they are able to progress through this vulnerability on their own terms, and any support or guidance offered to them by others to help change will only be strongly refuted, as they are very stubborn, in keeping with their adolescent traits.
Due to their impossible natures, they are only ever able to find another 'But' one as a mate. Subsequently, together these mates may or may not produce further 'But' young. Here the chances are 50/50 that the young will follow in their parents footsteps. The young who are brainwashed from little will have little chances of escaping the domineering attitudes of their parents. The others may break away from their parents' pull in their teenage years, in the heartbreaking realisation that their parents are too egotistical, domineering and uptight to deal with. These courageous ones will be away to get away and make a brand new life for themselves, and will live their lives as a polar opposite to what they've been told growing up.
It is with the latter young group that we hope the future will be. As 'But' one mates with 'But' one, and they produce potential 'But' young, we can only hope that the young will have the hindsight and smarts to object to their parents rules, and make a fresh start for their generation.
The only hope is for the extinction of the 'But' ones. They are too impossible to manage. In hoping for a Darwinian-type world, a slow phasing out of their kind, via their young turning their backs to them, will be the only way to escape.
Extinction is the key.
And now to counter with a dose of, what else but....
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Part-Time Narcissist
The Part-Time Narcissist
In previous posts I've tried my best to avoid mentioning this person's name, even if it is just a nickname I'm providing. And although I've alluded to this person, it pains me to do so, as this person's energy simply drains me of all my wellbeing.
The person I'm talking about is Mouth.
Recent encounters over the past while have forced me into seeking assistance for the second time, by asking for guidance via a pouring-of-the-heart letter. The first response was encouraging: it acknowledged my pain and pretty much suggested to ignore her. That is really hard to do. Enter the second letter, which I wrote recently, and from which I received a response to last night. The antedote was short and sweet: "She's a narcissist. Read up on it. You will never change her."
Funnily enough, this enlightenment added further substantiation from a conversation I had with Kitty while at work yesterday. She and I were discussing a 'difficult' personality at work, and she also mentioned how her own Mum displays a lot of these same 'difficult' personality traits. I was suddenly overcome by a massive desire to purge my feelings, and so described Mouth to her, to see what she could tell me about her, and what she thought of her. After listening to my purge, she said a magic word that sent me on an Internet-hunt.
Narcissist.
Everywhere I turned to on the net, I saw descriptions confirming all that I'd experienced: egotistic, feels superiority over others, strong competitive drive, absorption in oneself, imitation of learned abilities. I was stunned. I'd found my answer, and was feeling pretty damn good about it. It wasn't so much that I felt superior over Mouth having discovered a personality type to attribute her to, rather I could now begin to understand what it was that made her like that and try to work out what it was I could do to cope with her. Having my second letter responded to, and having the answer be the same as what Kitty had suggested, confirmed my beliefs in a big way. I was on the right path.
It's gonna be a long journey, and having spent a good hour or so yesterday trawling through articles on Narcissistic qualities, I think I can ascertain that Mouth isn't purely Narcissistic, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on that one. I don't think I can wholeheartedly apply this personality disorder to her. However, she displays very narcissistic qualities, ones that give the impression of simply more than a healthy dose of narcissisim that we all require in order to live healthy lives. While the majority of us may display a 20-40% dosage of healthy love for ourselves, she my friends is up to 80%. And at times I believe still counting.
I have realised that everything about her I can deduce from her being a 3/4 narcissistic personality. It all makes so much sense. Therefore with my analytical abilities kicked into gear, I present to you my field case (let me purge myself, please):
1. Self-absorbed Egotist - This is perhaps the strongest part of her narcissism. She makes everything about herself, any conversation someone else is telling, she must stop and interrupt the story to bring it back to herself, either by proclaiming "that happened to me.." or "that's like this time when..." It's all about her. If her daughter has a birthday, it's about Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a mother." If her sibling has a birthday, it comes back to Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a sister." I'm surprised when her parents birthday comes around, she doesn't say "when they were born X number of years ago, they had little itty bitty genital and reproductive organs getting into gear and beginning to grow, for the one perfect day that I would be born."
Every conversation contains I, me, my. Who am I kidding, every sentence.
Even if she is communicating bad or good news about someone else, not directly close or related to her, it still somehow ends up being about HER. "Oh, this lady I work with has X illness.... ohhhh, I feel so badly for her, I have been thinking of her all day.... I don't know what to do to help her.... I can't stop thinking about her... I feel so depressed." Enter case point number 2.
2. Negative whinger - As a follow on from the previous example, everything is so 'woe is me.' It doesn't take much to make her start whinging about anything: traffic, work, not enough time, not enough sleep, sick, gossiping about others, coughing, blowing nose, depression everywhere - in the news, at work, with family and friends - and these are all genuine examples that she regularly takes a part in to complain about. She can't see the happy side. She doesn't believe in the Universe and like attracting like.
Just the other day I was trying to help her, telling her not to dwell too much on the negative. When I started on "if you think negatively, you'll attract negative things, they'll come to you," with a dismiss of her hand she said "Oh, I don't believe in all that." Well then you have no hope. Doomed to live in a never ending spiral of sadness and depression. She will just start up about her sicknesses "I haven't been able to shake this cold for 4 weeks," and says it in this weak feeble voice trying to drum up any amount of attention and pity. I have no sympathy for you, you attract this all yourself. You're always sick! I'm sorry to sound so cruel, but your bullshit has no boundaries. I will only think you more pathetic if you continue on your 'poor me' charade. Which going from all I've read about narcissistic people, you will.
Last time we met someone said to her how they hardly ever see her happy, they wonder if she ever smiles anymore. Of course, she took offence to that. Her husband said "you don't live with her, she's not like that all the time." I almost spoke up and said "how can anyone see you differently then what you show to the world? Everytime we meet you act like that and say negative things, therefore that's what we think of you. It's that simple!"
3. Superior Perfection - She is better than anyone. She is perfect, even though when she says "I know no one's perfect" she believes herself to be more so than anyone else. She believes that her acknowledgement of that fact exempts her of the right to treat people as equals rather than her inferior. She says things like "oh, I don't go there anymore, I've moved up." She name drops brands, places and people in an effort to impress and make herself look high and mighty.
She is right in everything, often (always) confusing opinion for fact. When you remind her of this, she moves onto another argument or ignores it. Her opinion is the right and only way. And when you tell her it's only her opinion, and on the rare occasion that she does acknowledge it being opinion, she still ends the argument with "no, I believe X." No matter what you are talking about, she MUST have the final say. I'm yet to test it, but if I were to follow her afterword with "No, I believe this," she would again reiterate her point of view, even though she has already stated it umpteenth times. But she must have the final word. And she will compete with you 'til she's blue in the fact, just so she can have the final say. Speaking of competition, point number 4.
4. Competitive - She will compete in an argument. She will compete that her point of view is right all the time. She will compete that her way and the way she does things is the only way. She will compete families, her own children, houses, cars, sports teams, jobs, even physical bodies. If there is a way to prove herself better or smarter than someone, she will find a way to compete in it. She doesn't realise that everyone is different; life is not a game, it is a journey, and each journey finds within it different experiences. She doesn't realise this. It's all about winning. Winning is more important than peace. She would rather make an enemy by pushing her point of view and having the final say (above point) and 'win' the argument, than have peace and find a new friend in it. And if she feels that someone has it better than her, she will find a way to put them down, gossip about them, and turn their fortune into a most misfortunate event.
Case in point. When speaking of her own cousin, without being prompted by ANYONE in the room, she started talking directly to her eldest daughter, though speaking loud enough so that everybody in the room could clearly hear. (condescending tone): "My cousin takes her eldest daughter to folk dancing lessons - she pushes her daughter too hard, right daughter? I'm not going to push my daughters into classes so that I can't spend time with them?" See that? She turns an otherwise neutral event (her cousin taking her daughter to dance lessons) into a negative event, by twisting it into the explanation that her cousin is missing out on mother/daughter time by choosing to do so. Therefore making Mouth the winner (once again) because she is 'winning' by not taking her own daughter to dance lessons. What Mouth can't face or even begin to realise because of her own insecurities, is that she is denying any notions or thoughts of herself being a failure as a Mum (there is no failure in this, but because she isn't doing this, she sees it as competition) and because she refuses to do this she turns it into an ugly, unnecessary thing, that in fact causes more stress to the familial relationship, than any one person would ever think dance lessons to be. She turns everything into her favour. And will never see it any other way. If you like gardening, and she doesn't, in her mind you win. But not until she puts down the hobby with "I don't like gardening, it's boring: I'd rather spend my time with my children." Now that she has made you feel like a loser for doing one thing you like without your children (heaven forbid) SHE is now the winner in her mind.
5. Un-empathetic - This is a tricky one. When I first read this narcissistic trait, popping up again and again in all the web sites I visited, I thought, 'hmmm, she HAS empathy. She actually feels for people, asks about them and remembers their birthdays. EVERY birthday of practically everyone she's ever met. Remembers dates of all kinds that you wouldn't imagine. But I read something that made my head go ting! I read that although they may ask you how you are, they are actually working from an automatic memory, and don't actually care how you are. This is one zillion % true. And it applies to the remembering of birthdays too. Every single time we meet, she will without fail ask "how long did you work today?" (when I've worked that day) and "when are you working this week?" (another kind of competitiveness I believe). She never asks me deep, genuine questions. Nothing about me the 'person.' In fact, when the day comes that I become a well-known writer and my first book is released, I know she will ask me "I didn't know you wrote! Why didn't you tell me?" And I will respond with "well actually you never asked." Boom. (I know I've mentioned this future fantasy of mine in an earlier post about her, I just love the thought of telling her she's selfish in a round-a-bout way.)
Another evidential point to her lack of empathy is the way in which she interrupts others conversations. I know I've already mentioned this, but her lack of care in what other people think and have to say is very strong justification for my point. It's only important when she talks.
And the birthday thing. Her obsession with dates, birthdays, and remembering EVERYONES. Once again, I don't think she actually cares. She is doing it for the wrong reasons - out of a desire to show how great and perfect she is by remembering birthdays, and again I think there is competitiveness attached to that. But the reason she does that, is she has mirrored her mother (see below point).
6. Narcissus loved the mirror - Not just herself. But growing up, she mirrored her mother, who is a very lovely person, by copying the traits she admired of her. Her mother is a person that remembers peoples birthdays and dates, and she took that on board, as she believed that made her an admirable person. However she's gone one step too far, in thinking that because she remembers, it somehow excuses her being a horrible person elsewhere (not that she would admit to being a horrible person - she would turn that accusation on your head and accuse you of being a horrible person for saying that to such a sweet, lovely, well-meaning person such as herself. Give me a break.)
Mirroring is a narcissitic trait. It is taken from an authority figure. And who is more authoritative to you as a young child than your own parent?
A narcissistic trait mentioned in the sites I've read is how these kinds of people like to get away from jobs, duties, they 'cheat' at work, and leave others to do their work. She is nothing at all like this, she actually does not stop, whether at work or at home (from what she tells me in her self-praise) and I believe it to be true. However again I feel this is a result of her mirroring the work values of her mother. So you see, everything is falling into place.
BACKGROUND
I haven't asked directly, but I have heard, and witnessed for myself a few things. So I can try to deduce a theory as to why she is the way she is.
She is naturally an attention-seeker, mirroring her own dad. Add to that her star sign, which on it's own has attention-seeking qualities, and you have a double whammy. Add to that, her parents, well not being necessarily frighteningly hard on her, but let's just say whenever she got an A for school work, instead of "Congratulations! Well done daughter!" she got "okay.... let's see if you can keep it up." Not getting the compliments she rightly deserved was the trifecta that I believe made her a rolling moss ball of insecurity, meaning she had to start speaking highly of herself because no one would do it for her, in order to preserve her self-image. This is no fault of her parents. They only did what they received themselves as children from their own parents. And when you see it from that side, you can't even blame her. It is the combination of the three factors that resulted in her strong tendency to display almost all narcissistic qualities.
Although her background does play a part in her narcissism, you can't blame a person for their star sign, or their intrinsic character, right? Yes and no. Everyone has the common sense and intelligence to determine what's right and wrong in the world. Maybe not so much when you're growing up, but they can change themselves as they grown older and out of childhood. The fact that looking around her as she's grown up, witnessing others, she still hasn't had the wake up call to a higher level of human decency, is beyond me. She has no self-awareness. Self-awareness is the most important thing in order to understand and better yourself. She can never be better, or even amount to a good, decent person at the rate she's going. The constant denial she lives in is staggering, and I would actually be afraid to enter her mind and witness the never-ending excuses she makes for every part of her life.
Hubbie asks me often "why does this bother you so much? Why can't you just let it go, forget about it, you can't change her!" And I don't know what part it is of me that drives me so, but like her tendencies towards narcissism, I too react due to a combination of factors. Firstly, due to my mother, I have a strong desire to need to prove people wrong when they are acting badly. Secondly, being of the same star sign as Mouth herself, and having made the decision when I was in early high school, after reading more of the 'unfavourable' qualities of my sign, I decided then and there that I would strive towards being the best of that sign, rather than the worst. Therefore, the fact that she represents the worst in all it has to offer, particularly maddens me. And no it's not that I am competitive against her. I don't like competition. Unless it's a game with a prize, it's not needed in life. Everyone is a unique and beautiful individual. I feel she is a bad representation of that sign, and being of that sign myself, is very upsetting (I believe in my signs!)
This analytical purging has helped immensely. Learning about her narcissism has also helped me in a massive way, even though most texts proclaim, 'they can never be changed.' Even with that, I don't feel so bad, because, now I know who and what I'm dealing with. Now that I know the game being played, I can move my chess pieces accordingly.
Check Mate.
In previous posts I've tried my best to avoid mentioning this person's name, even if it is just a nickname I'm providing. And although I've alluded to this person, it pains me to do so, as this person's energy simply drains me of all my wellbeing.
The person I'm talking about is Mouth.
Recent encounters over the past while have forced me into seeking assistance for the second time, by asking for guidance via a pouring-of-the-heart letter. The first response was encouraging: it acknowledged my pain and pretty much suggested to ignore her. That is really hard to do. Enter the second letter, which I wrote recently, and from which I received a response to last night. The antedote was short and sweet: "She's a narcissist. Read up on it. You will never change her."
Funnily enough, this enlightenment added further substantiation from a conversation I had with Kitty while at work yesterday. She and I were discussing a 'difficult' personality at work, and she also mentioned how her own Mum displays a lot of these same 'difficult' personality traits. I was suddenly overcome by a massive desire to purge my feelings, and so described Mouth to her, to see what she could tell me about her, and what she thought of her. After listening to my purge, she said a magic word that sent me on an Internet-hunt.
Narcissist.
Everywhere I turned to on the net, I saw descriptions confirming all that I'd experienced: egotistic, feels superiority over others, strong competitive drive, absorption in oneself, imitation of learned abilities. I was stunned. I'd found my answer, and was feeling pretty damn good about it. It wasn't so much that I felt superior over Mouth having discovered a personality type to attribute her to, rather I could now begin to understand what it was that made her like that and try to work out what it was I could do to cope with her. Having my second letter responded to, and having the answer be the same as what Kitty had suggested, confirmed my beliefs in a big way. I was on the right path.
It's gonna be a long journey, and having spent a good hour or so yesterday trawling through articles on Narcissistic qualities, I think I can ascertain that Mouth isn't purely Narcissistic, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on that one. I don't think I can wholeheartedly apply this personality disorder to her. However, she displays very narcissistic qualities, ones that give the impression of simply more than a healthy dose of narcissisim that we all require in order to live healthy lives. While the majority of us may display a 20-40% dosage of healthy love for ourselves, she my friends is up to 80%. And at times I believe still counting.
I have realised that everything about her I can deduce from her being a 3/4 narcissistic personality. It all makes so much sense. Therefore with my analytical abilities kicked into gear, I present to you my field case (let me purge myself, please):
1. Self-absorbed Egotist - This is perhaps the strongest part of her narcissism. She makes everything about herself, any conversation someone else is telling, she must stop and interrupt the story to bring it back to herself, either by proclaiming "that happened to me.." or "that's like this time when..." It's all about her. If her daughter has a birthday, it's about Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a mother." If her sibling has a birthday, it comes back to Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a sister." I'm surprised when her parents birthday comes around, she doesn't say "when they were born X number of years ago, they had little itty bitty genital and reproductive organs getting into gear and beginning to grow, for the one perfect day that I would be born."
Every conversation contains I, me, my. Who am I kidding, every sentence.
Even if she is communicating bad or good news about someone else, not directly close or related to her, it still somehow ends up being about HER. "Oh, this lady I work with has X illness.... ohhhh, I feel so badly for her, I have been thinking of her all day.... I don't know what to do to help her.... I can't stop thinking about her... I feel so depressed." Enter case point number 2.
2. Negative whinger - As a follow on from the previous example, everything is so 'woe is me.' It doesn't take much to make her start whinging about anything: traffic, work, not enough time, not enough sleep, sick, gossiping about others, coughing, blowing nose, depression everywhere - in the news, at work, with family and friends - and these are all genuine examples that she regularly takes a part in to complain about. She can't see the happy side. She doesn't believe in the Universe and like attracting like.
Just the other day I was trying to help her, telling her not to dwell too much on the negative. When I started on "if you think negatively, you'll attract negative things, they'll come to you," with a dismiss of her hand she said "Oh, I don't believe in all that." Well then you have no hope. Doomed to live in a never ending spiral of sadness and depression. She will just start up about her sicknesses "I haven't been able to shake this cold for 4 weeks," and says it in this weak feeble voice trying to drum up any amount of attention and pity. I have no sympathy for you, you attract this all yourself. You're always sick! I'm sorry to sound so cruel, but your bullshit has no boundaries. I will only think you more pathetic if you continue on your 'poor me' charade. Which going from all I've read about narcissistic people, you will.
Last time we met someone said to her how they hardly ever see her happy, they wonder if she ever smiles anymore. Of course, she took offence to that. Her husband said "you don't live with her, she's not like that all the time." I almost spoke up and said "how can anyone see you differently then what you show to the world? Everytime we meet you act like that and say negative things, therefore that's what we think of you. It's that simple!"
3. Superior Perfection - She is better than anyone. She is perfect, even though when she says "I know no one's perfect" she believes herself to be more so than anyone else. She believes that her acknowledgement of that fact exempts her of the right to treat people as equals rather than her inferior. She says things like "oh, I don't go there anymore, I've moved up." She name drops brands, places and people in an effort to impress and make herself look high and mighty.
She is right in everything, often (always) confusing opinion for fact. When you remind her of this, she moves onto another argument or ignores it. Her opinion is the right and only way. And when you tell her it's only her opinion, and on the rare occasion that she does acknowledge it being opinion, she still ends the argument with "no, I believe X." No matter what you are talking about, she MUST have the final say. I'm yet to test it, but if I were to follow her afterword with "No, I believe this," she would again reiterate her point of view, even though she has already stated it umpteenth times. But she must have the final word. And she will compete with you 'til she's blue in the fact, just so she can have the final say. Speaking of competition, point number 4.
4. Competitive - She will compete in an argument. She will compete that her point of view is right all the time. She will compete that her way and the way she does things is the only way. She will compete families, her own children, houses, cars, sports teams, jobs, even physical bodies. If there is a way to prove herself better or smarter than someone, she will find a way to compete in it. She doesn't realise that everyone is different; life is not a game, it is a journey, and each journey finds within it different experiences. She doesn't realise this. It's all about winning. Winning is more important than peace. She would rather make an enemy by pushing her point of view and having the final say (above point) and 'win' the argument, than have peace and find a new friend in it. And if she feels that someone has it better than her, she will find a way to put them down, gossip about them, and turn their fortune into a most misfortunate event.
Case in point. When speaking of her own cousin, without being prompted by ANYONE in the room, she started talking directly to her eldest daughter, though speaking loud enough so that everybody in the room could clearly hear. (condescending tone): "My cousin takes her eldest daughter to folk dancing lessons - she pushes her daughter too hard, right daughter? I'm not going to push my daughters into classes so that I can't spend time with them?" See that? She turns an otherwise neutral event (her cousin taking her daughter to dance lessons) into a negative event, by twisting it into the explanation that her cousin is missing out on mother/daughter time by choosing to do so. Therefore making Mouth the winner (once again) because she is 'winning' by not taking her own daughter to dance lessons. What Mouth can't face or even begin to realise because of her own insecurities, is that she is denying any notions or thoughts of herself being a failure as a Mum (there is no failure in this, but because she isn't doing this, she sees it as competition) and because she refuses to do this she turns it into an ugly, unnecessary thing, that in fact causes more stress to the familial relationship, than any one person would ever think dance lessons to be. She turns everything into her favour. And will never see it any other way. If you like gardening, and she doesn't, in her mind you win. But not until she puts down the hobby with "I don't like gardening, it's boring: I'd rather spend my time with my children." Now that she has made you feel like a loser for doing one thing you like without your children (heaven forbid) SHE is now the winner in her mind.
5. Un-empathetic - This is a tricky one. When I first read this narcissistic trait, popping up again and again in all the web sites I visited, I thought, 'hmmm, she HAS empathy. She actually feels for people, asks about them and remembers their birthdays. EVERY birthday of practically everyone she's ever met. Remembers dates of all kinds that you wouldn't imagine. But I read something that made my head go ting! I read that although they may ask you how you are, they are actually working from an automatic memory, and don't actually care how you are. This is one zillion % true. And it applies to the remembering of birthdays too. Every single time we meet, she will without fail ask "how long did you work today?" (when I've worked that day) and "when are you working this week?" (another kind of competitiveness I believe). She never asks me deep, genuine questions. Nothing about me the 'person.' In fact, when the day comes that I become a well-known writer and my first book is released, I know she will ask me "I didn't know you wrote! Why didn't you tell me?" And I will respond with "well actually you never asked." Boom. (I know I've mentioned this future fantasy of mine in an earlier post about her, I just love the thought of telling her she's selfish in a round-a-bout way.)
Another evidential point to her lack of empathy is the way in which she interrupts others conversations. I know I've already mentioned this, but her lack of care in what other people think and have to say is very strong justification for my point. It's only important when she talks.
And the birthday thing. Her obsession with dates, birthdays, and remembering EVERYONES. Once again, I don't think she actually cares. She is doing it for the wrong reasons - out of a desire to show how great and perfect she is by remembering birthdays, and again I think there is competitiveness attached to that. But the reason she does that, is she has mirrored her mother (see below point).
6. Narcissus loved the mirror - Not just herself. But growing up, she mirrored her mother, who is a very lovely person, by copying the traits she admired of her. Her mother is a person that remembers peoples birthdays and dates, and she took that on board, as she believed that made her an admirable person. However she's gone one step too far, in thinking that because she remembers, it somehow excuses her being a horrible person elsewhere (not that she would admit to being a horrible person - she would turn that accusation on your head and accuse you of being a horrible person for saying that to such a sweet, lovely, well-meaning person such as herself. Give me a break.)
Mirroring is a narcissitic trait. It is taken from an authority figure. And who is more authoritative to you as a young child than your own parent?
A narcissistic trait mentioned in the sites I've read is how these kinds of people like to get away from jobs, duties, they 'cheat' at work, and leave others to do their work. She is nothing at all like this, she actually does not stop, whether at work or at home (from what she tells me in her self-praise) and I believe it to be true. However again I feel this is a result of her mirroring the work values of her mother. So you see, everything is falling into place.
BACKGROUND
I haven't asked directly, but I have heard, and witnessed for myself a few things. So I can try to deduce a theory as to why she is the way she is.
She is naturally an attention-seeker, mirroring her own dad. Add to that her star sign, which on it's own has attention-seeking qualities, and you have a double whammy. Add to that, her parents, well not being necessarily frighteningly hard on her, but let's just say whenever she got an A for school work, instead of "Congratulations! Well done daughter!" she got "okay.... let's see if you can keep it up." Not getting the compliments she rightly deserved was the trifecta that I believe made her a rolling moss ball of insecurity, meaning she had to start speaking highly of herself because no one would do it for her, in order to preserve her self-image. This is no fault of her parents. They only did what they received themselves as children from their own parents. And when you see it from that side, you can't even blame her. It is the combination of the three factors that resulted in her strong tendency to display almost all narcissistic qualities.
Although her background does play a part in her narcissism, you can't blame a person for their star sign, or their intrinsic character, right? Yes and no. Everyone has the common sense and intelligence to determine what's right and wrong in the world. Maybe not so much when you're growing up, but they can change themselves as they grown older and out of childhood. The fact that looking around her as she's grown up, witnessing others, she still hasn't had the wake up call to a higher level of human decency, is beyond me. She has no self-awareness. Self-awareness is the most important thing in order to understand and better yourself. She can never be better, or even amount to a good, decent person at the rate she's going. The constant denial she lives in is staggering, and I would actually be afraid to enter her mind and witness the never-ending excuses she makes for every part of her life.
Hubbie asks me often "why does this bother you so much? Why can't you just let it go, forget about it, you can't change her!" And I don't know what part it is of me that drives me so, but like her tendencies towards narcissism, I too react due to a combination of factors. Firstly, due to my mother, I have a strong desire to need to prove people wrong when they are acting badly. Secondly, being of the same star sign as Mouth herself, and having made the decision when I was in early high school, after reading more of the 'unfavourable' qualities of my sign, I decided then and there that I would strive towards being the best of that sign, rather than the worst. Therefore, the fact that she represents the worst in all it has to offer, particularly maddens me. And no it's not that I am competitive against her. I don't like competition. Unless it's a game with a prize, it's not needed in life. Everyone is a unique and beautiful individual. I feel she is a bad representation of that sign, and being of that sign myself, is very upsetting (I believe in my signs!)
This analytical purging has helped immensely. Learning about her narcissism has also helped me in a massive way, even though most texts proclaim, 'they can never be changed.' Even with that, I don't feel so bad, because, now I know who and what I'm dealing with. Now that I know the game being played, I can move my chess pieces accordingly.
Check Mate.
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