I just don't know

I don't know what to write about. I have so many thoughts running through my head, so many things that have plagued my mind with worry, confusion and wonder these last few days, that it seems like a snowball of 'stuff' is just rolling around in my head, with the passing of time just helping it to gather more moss.


Sometimes you feel you try so so hard, but to no avail. That's how I felt a couple of days ago, when confronted with (or should I say bombarded with) again by Mouth.

I went into that night thinking "I am sooo pumped, I'm so happy, I'm not letting anything upset me, we are gonna have a super night!"

And after walking into her house, within half an hour I was muttering under my breath sarcastic remarks such as "Ohh, finally a positive comment."

I don't know why it is. I don't know why she gets under my skin so. I can't handle the selfishness. The world that revolves around her and her only. The 'me me me' attitude. "My dress, my day, my house, my kids, my job..." it just goes on and on.

Surely there are many people that could handle this kind of behaviour. They could smile politely and just sort of brush it off. All the while knowing how ignorant and egotistical the behaviour was. However it would not annoy them and bother them the way it does me.

I think because I am so aware of my behaviour, my actions and my words, that when I see someone who so clearly has unfavourable and rude personality traits, I can't help but be upset by it. The more I become aware of everything in my own life, the more I get annoyed at everyone else. The price you pay in the search for the self, huh?

And Mouth certainly upsets me in every way. The fact that she thinks she is right, and that there is nothing wrong with her, makes me want to set her straight all the more. But I can't do that without starting World War 3. Oh how I wish for the day when I can reveal to her some unexpected news. When she asks, shocked "I didn't know that!" I will respond with "maybe because you never asked me," and just leave that wondering, lingering thought in her head, to play with.

Sigh. I just need to work out how to not let her get to me. And perhaps a few (or a couple hundred) subtle remarks about her behaviour will somehow help me to get the point across. That her personality is not the best (said in the most diplomatic fashion).

Oh yes. Guess what Mouth was talking about so much on the weekend. Her at MY wedding.

Again now. HER at MY wedding.

We were watching the video at her house, and she barely, barely, barely said anything about me. It was all "Oh look at my dress, it was so hard to dance in," "you can see my backbones!" (and your point is?!?!) "oh I'm doing that now....." and so on. She did say that I made a nice speech at the reception, however that was only because Hubbie had said it first, and she probably felt she had to agree in order not to look like a completely rude and obnoxious person, which she still ended up looking like! It absolutely boils me to my core. You're talking about yourself and only yourself while watching my wedding video. I think there is such a thing as human kindness and considering others, and especially if you are viewing someone else's special day, I find it quite inappropriate to gas bag about yourself the entire time.

Human decency people. We all know that we watch ourselves while on tape. But to speak it out loud everytime you see yourself, and then to not ONCE, out of your own initiative, be so kind as to praise the person whose special day you were attending, because if not for them you wouldn't be there, wellllllllllll!

That's why I use the words selfish, self-absorbed, self-involved, self freaking EVERYTHING!

Good segway to the wedding video though.

Yeah. The wedding video.

Sigh again.

I don't know. Maybe I had super high expectations, due to my everyday work organising and critiquing every single damn program on tv. Yes it is a good job thank you. But then again maybe not, as I am feeling very dissatisfied with the wedding video results. But, even with that in mind, I'm still slightly disappointed by some parts of it. I mean, I could have done a better job.

There were some parts the videographer missed. Some things he could've done differently, better. Other things he could have edited better. And all of that, just by pure, common and practical video/editing style-sense, without a heartbeat, I would have known how to do it better.

I may not have all the technical experience. Some I have, but not all. But that can be learned. The vision though, comes more naturally, and that comes to me so easily. I don't know if my work has anything to do with that, but nontheless I have it.

He missed a part of a dance with my sister at the reception. The kiss in the church, he filmed from an angle that made it impossible to see my face. He says it was due to the positioning of the priest, but I believe he could have moved around and gotten a better shot. He missed the start of a traditional dance at the reception, where I started off dancing with Hubbie, then continued with both my parents. He missed them. Luckily for him they all danced with me at the end of the dance, but that's not much consolation to my enraged Dad.

Some of the editing between shots, in particular my house in the morning, have cuts rather than fades. He's placed some cuts between shots and some fades between shots. I have no idea why he wouldn't have put ALL fades, seeing as the background music in all the shots is of the live accordian we had there. I don't know why he wouldn't realise that to cut to one part of a song to another would seem a bit jumpy. Fades between that could have fixed all that, made it smoother.

No proper title menu's either. No nice moving image of Hubbie and I, followed by a chapter selection. No. Just a crappy little photo of us, and then you press play.

He said that was due to a new program he was using. Rather than have good menu's and lesser quality video, we had crappy menus and better quality videos. I know it's a minor thing, but our engagement dvd menu looks soooo much better. This one is just so plain and ordinary and you know what? As minor as it may be, it is the finishing touch on the dvd. I really truly believe so. And not having that finishing touch, along with any of the above recommended adjustments, I don't know, I just feel so, so.......

Sad.

Sigh.

I got sad. Then I got angry. I thought and thought and thought.

"I could have done a better job."

Then I thought some more. Who says I couldn't do a better job? If not right now for me, then for someone in the future.....

And so I got to thinking. Of Me, Myself and I, Miss S, director, producer and editor extraordinaire, creating timeless, perfect pieces of wedding videos, for beautiful couples to love, appreciate and cherish forever.

Accompanied ('hired' by me) by a cameraman of course.

If I won the lottery tomorrow, I swear I would invest in the highest quality, best state of the art editing and video equipment, and start my own business tomorrow. Enrol in a few programs, read a few books, and ta-da! All ready. Like I said I have the vision, therefore I need to do only a few things and touch-up on a few areas, in order to become the most successful wedding videographer this world has seen, as seen in MY HEAD.

Sigh again. But then I remember. Remember my other vision. That of being the most extraordinary writer this world has ever seen (ummm, along with every other blogger IN THE WORLD!)

I had such a strong vision a while back, I even wrote about it in a post. However, like an episode of How I Met Your Mother that I saw a while back, I'm becoming a bit too like Ted in regards to living out my dream.

In the episode, I think Ted is trying to start his own business, and rather than actually doing something proactive about it, he hires an assistant to help him on his way and organise everything for him, before he's actually achieved anything. He puts off actually starting any work, as he wants too much to have everything perfect before he commences with the next step.

And I'm soooo feeling him right now.

I guess every aspiring writer has a dream of writing the ultimate, next big hit. I have a dream of writing a saga, that would eventually eventuate into a television series. However I have so many things I wanna do first. I have never studied writing professionally. I would wanna study up on that first. I need to develop my characters first, live them, breathe them, know every single little part of them before I write about them. I need to develop ongoing storylines.

It's just that I can't possibly achieve all that I want to achieve without giving in a little, and giving up something in return. I can't help it though, I want it all. I want to edit. To write. To read all books and watch all movies. To have some 'me' time and just unwind when I want. To have couple time with Hubbie and I. To see my family, my friends. To cook. To exercise damn it, because I haven't done any of it this year.

Sigh sigh sigh.

What makes me feel better is that, much like my video creating vision, with my writing, again, I've GOT it.

You can teach someone to use the right words, teach them grammar and how to spell, talk about storylines and all of that other stuff, but at the end of the day, they've got to have it. They've got to know how to express emotion. Know how to convey feeling and tone, to make you laugh, cry, and what I believe most importantly, make you fall in love with the characters.

So, as I conclude my long-winded I-don't-know anything speel, hopefully you're beginning to realise, why, simply, I JUST DON'T KNOW.

So many questions with no answers.

Hey, you know what would be great? Next time I see Mouth and by the odd miracle that a pig happens to fly by, she'll ask me "what's new with you?"

AND I'LL REPLY,

"Well I've actually just launched my own videography business, just shot a couple of weddings on the weekend actually. Oh yeah, it's going quite well, my first few clients have referred me to others, and I'm already booked up 'til the end of next year. It's going to be a bit hard, but mainly lots of fun and really interesting, because I'm also finishing the draft of my 10th book, part of a serial which is actually in the current top 10 selling books of the year. There's talk that it's going to be developed into a television series too, I just don't know which network is going to show it, as they're all still fighting over the rights. I'll make sure the integrity of the work transfers to screen though, as I'm negotiating and my demands thus far are to retain creative control of the work and all those who are hired to act on it, as well as be the main over see-er when it comes to general directing, producing and editing of the show. Other than that, um, not much else."

(Insert stunned mullet face).

!