So yesterday I was all pathetic and shit, but today I've turned over a new leaf. It does not fail my notice that although I try to live my life in the highest regard and in line with the law of attraction, that I still have monumental DOWN days. I think the fact that I do try so hard to better my life, that it indeed causes these seriously depressing moments. When I'm high, I'm flying, and when I'm down, well.... I won't finish that.
Also, the fact that I get up so early during the week, leaves me feeling drained: even though I feel it physically, the emotinal side takes it toll. Does it ever. By the end of the week I can be crabby, over-sensitive, and finding fault in the smallest of things. Like the last couple of days.
When a few things don't go to plan, or when a few things get to me, they combine into a rolling ball of moss, accelerating down the steep hill of my brain, until finally, when it hits the bottom with a large bang, I end up broken. Completely broken, shattered, and in a deep ditch of dirt.
But, aided today by my true and trusted friend 'proper coffee' I am definitely looking up.
:)
Just send Hubbie this message: "Hi, I'm Miss S (group says 'Hi Miss S') and I have a coffee addiction."
I'm a bit whacked out today, being a Friday and all. As you can probably tell.
So I'm here to talk positive, and to put a bit of perspective on something I mentioned yesterday.
So yes. I didn't ask for a pay rise. I didn't prepare myself, the night before it I had other heavy things on my mind, and it led to me feeling completely unprepared for the work review I had. I'm not usually like that, I'm super-organised, and like Hubbie coached to me last night, I have to learn from the experience.
Yes I will learn. I guess it's just hard because I'm not even sure what was the right thing to do: to ask or not to ask? That IS the question. However I have to believe that I did the right thing, and if not, that I will get another opportunity at monetary rewards, if not through this work, then through another (hint, hint, clears throat loudly 'ahem, book *cough* my story *cough*).
:)
And one more thing. What I was supposed to talk about yesterday.
I get cranky at times, when I notice people staring at me. It just really annoys me. Sure, look, glance around. But don't continue to ogle me, or to totally stare me down into a hole as I walk on by. I don't care what the reasons are, I find it rude and slightly intimidating to know someone is totally giving me the once over.
Though a couple of mornings ago, walking to work 6:30 in the morning, I saw two tradies approaching me from the other side. I knew how I was dressed, and knew that it may get some notice. I wasn't dressed inappropriately or anything, but you know when the clothes you wear portray a certain look? Anyway, I kepy my eyes straight ahead as I walked on by, being careful not to make any eye contact, because hey, you can't encourage them in anyway. Who knows what might happen then.
Even though my eyes were forward, I could see them looking at me as they walked past. And I heard from one of them, lowly, "Wow."
Wow. I thought about it some more as I kept walking, wondering whether I was upset at being ogled at again. But you know what? I took it for what it was, as a freaking damn fantastic compliment. WOW. I think that's one of the best compliments ever. One word, so simple. Wow.
As I said to Hubbie, when I'm pregnant one day, I'm sure I won't have guys whistling, tooting their car horns or making remarks about me when I walk by, so I'll take all the Wow's I can right now.
I'm going to take it in, and appreciate it as much as possible.
What a wonderful, brilliant, spectacular, mood-lifting, heart-warming post to get me into the weekend :-D
WOW!
Showing posts with label The Secret. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Secret. Show all posts
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2011: The Year In Review
This past year has been interesting. It has been unexpected at times, trying at others, and above all else a great learning experience. In retrospect, with all the new things that came into my life, whether I initially embraced them or tried to shut them out, I now believe it was all for the best.
Yesterday when I was trying to remember what my resolutions for this year had been, there was only one major one that stood out to me: And which I proudly with the widest smile can say I have given my all. That I will get to later:) However I find it hilarious that I had to think of my resolutions and could only remember one of them, having kind of forgotten the rest. Or had I? As I look through the list to see what I had achieved, although some were far from mind, the opportunites to take these things on board were definitely there, lingering.....
To read, HEAPS more.
Yes, yes and yes. Hold on there was only one point. I guess my point is to emphasise that I did take this on board whole-heartedly. I finished reading several self-help and law of attraction books, have started on "The Celestine Prophecy," started and finished "Persuasion," half-way through that got half-addicted to Jane Austen, am now almost finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am definitely addicted to Jane Austen. It may not seem like much (and I do feel I am missing a book somewhere) but compared to the NO BOOKS I was previously reading (or not reading if that makes sense, though I don't think it does) it is a lot, as all I used to previously read was mags and catalogues, which is really quite pathetic if you have to count that as literature. So I, am no longer, pathetic!
Ha ha.
Oh, and although I didn't work out the blogger, listing books, ticking them off thing, I've still succeeded with my main point, so there :P
To complete my first book by the end of the year.
Well, although I am not finished with this huge task, I am so proud to say that I am up to writing chapter 12 of my planned 14 chapter book. Last night I was writing and had to go back and check some stuff I'd written (I've written so much I forget what I've created!) and once again, as has happened on several other occassions, I was really pleased on reading back certain passages. I will need to revise and re-word quite a bit once I've finished my first draft, but considering I've had no formal training (other than my informal blogging of course :) ) I think I've done quite well.
AND, considering that I didn't actually start writing my book 'til the very end of Feb, I figure my resolution should be modified to extend to the end of Feb' 12: which is in fact when I plan to have the draft of my first book completed by. All is on track.
:):):)
To get fit.
Fail. Ok, well at first I went "fail, massive fail." But then I realised something. Yes I may have started the year off playing basketball with Hubbie a lot, running up and down basketball courts and what-not, with the attempts slowly dwindling to doing NOTHING of the sort. I could use genuine excuses to explain myself. Hubbie's busier schedule and starting a new job; me getting sick at one stage which removed me from all outdoor activities all together with no planned return to them - yes I could use these as an excuse, but I won't (even though I just did). If I had really wanted to do exercise, I would have found a way, no buts about it.
But then I remembered. Due to Hubbie's new job in the last couple of months this year, and the fact that he needs my car to get to and from work, I've been using the train pretty much every single day.
In the morning I walk 10 mins to work from the station. When I finish I walk 10 mins to the station. Then when I get to the station at home, I walk home for 25-30 mins, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
That's every day of the week I work. Now that's a good effort.
So, I have half-committed to that resolution too, though unintentionally:) I could be lazy and wait 15 mins for the bus to take me home, but I start walking. Procrastination eat your heart out.
To improve all my relationships, full-stop.
This is a tricky one. Grey in some areas, as most relationships are. People who I've in the past been distant with, or who I've been angry with, I've now grown closer to, or have a new-found respect for. Others, who I have struggled with in the past, I still continue to struggle with even now.
Over Christmas I tried to put my extreme dislike of one person behind me, just for the day. It worked, and I managed to see them in a somewhat positive light. But then like today, when I remember the shit petty-ness, insecure mind games and arrogance I've received from them in the past, my anger fuels up again and I feel really mad. It's not black and white. Nothing in life ever really is. But the fact that I'm trying to learn, trying to move on, and trying to accept the fact that in order to solve your relationship problems you need to change yourself, tells me that I've made some progress.
Grrr. Changing myself at the ignorance of others just shits me. I'm not the problem. But often in life you've got to swallow your pride (and let Karma take care of the rest....)
To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development.
Yes. Simply put, yes. Through all my reading and thinking and my daily work calendar full of quotes like "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus.
To enjoy life.
This one I completely forgot I wrote down, yet this is the one that must have stayed subconciously in my mind, because this one I, we, have definitely achieved.
We have stepped it up a gear. One of our motto's is "work hard, play hard." We don't always get a chance to do what we want, what with work, family commitments, and other occasions that take up our weekends. So when we do get spare time, we go all out. It may not be big to some, but to us we take extreme pleasure in it: buying coffee whenever we go shopping; eating big and well at very decent restaurants; spoiling ourselves on quality clothes; buying unique and different furniture to furnish our home. We spend a bit more, because that's the kind of life we want: one consisting of quality. Not in the future, but from NOW. Starting from right now.
And we have been doing it, for about 6 months now. Going out, splurging, exploring the town and just smiling. Life is now. You don't wait for tomorrow to enjoy it. That's what we've been doing. Any spare moment we get we enjoy it to the fullest potential, so that when we return to work the next day we don't feel pity for ourselves in seeing someone sitting and relaxing in the sun, and enjoying a coffee at an exclusive cafe.
(Yesterday we had chocolate drizzled cappuccinos and shared a huge waffle for two, drizzled also with chocolate, with side accompaniments of ice cream, strawberries and banana - and today I'm ok with being back at work :) )
Ok, enough reflecting, now for my 2012 Resolutions!
1. To finish the first draft of my first book by late Feb, and by the end of the year have it published with a reputable publisher, with the intention of writing more books in the series for that publisher. This is my first and foremost resolution, it is direct because I know exactly what I want. I'm more than half way there. It WILL happen!
2. To continue to read more, especially in ways that will help along with my writing, and also to read books that will continue to help me better myself spiritually. This is a two-fold resolution. So we'll go to 4.
4. To do some form of exercise ( I have to sigh at this resolution ) however in particular I want to zone in on my arms and make them more toned. I have a goal in mind, as Red has some arm exercises she has to give me in paper form. As soon as she gives them to me, (hopefully soon!) I start! As for the other general exercise, hopefully I will do Zumba with my at-home DVDs, if I can't make myself apply to yoga classes. Yes, as far as resolutions go, my tone in this one sucks, but hey, I have to try, true?
5. To continue living life with Hubbie to the full in every way, shape and form.
6. To continue thinking, believing and LIVING the law of attraction, both for myself and in unison with Hubbie. Although he says I inspired him, some things he has achieved of late have inspired me so much that I want us to continue on this enlightened path, aware that all that we want and aim for in life, we will have.
These, my friends, are my wishes and hopes for myself, and I wish you, all the same happiness, love, health and success that you so rightly deserve.
"Look, I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you, my kind of success."
- (Best ever end-of-movie quote! 'Jerry Maguire.')
Yesterday when I was trying to remember what my resolutions for this year had been, there was only one major one that stood out to me: And which I proudly with the widest smile can say I have given my all. That I will get to later:) However I find it hilarious that I had to think of my resolutions and could only remember one of them, having kind of forgotten the rest. Or had I? As I look through the list to see what I had achieved, although some were far from mind, the opportunites to take these things on board were definitely there, lingering.....
To read, HEAPS more.
Yes, yes and yes. Hold on there was only one point. I guess my point is to emphasise that I did take this on board whole-heartedly. I finished reading several self-help and law of attraction books, have started on "The Celestine Prophecy," started and finished "Persuasion," half-way through that got half-addicted to Jane Austen, am now almost finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am definitely addicted to Jane Austen. It may not seem like much (and I do feel I am missing a book somewhere) but compared to the NO BOOKS I was previously reading (or not reading if that makes sense, though I don't think it does) it is a lot, as all I used to previously read was mags and catalogues, which is really quite pathetic if you have to count that as literature. So I, am no longer, pathetic!
Ha ha.
Oh, and although I didn't work out the blogger, listing books, ticking them off thing, I've still succeeded with my main point, so there :P
To complete my first book by the end of the year.
Well, although I am not finished with this huge task, I am so proud to say that I am up to writing chapter 12 of my planned 14 chapter book. Last night I was writing and had to go back and check some stuff I'd written (I've written so much I forget what I've created!) and once again, as has happened on several other occassions, I was really pleased on reading back certain passages. I will need to revise and re-word quite a bit once I've finished my first draft, but considering I've had no formal training (other than my informal blogging of course :) ) I think I've done quite well.
AND, considering that I didn't actually start writing my book 'til the very end of Feb, I figure my resolution should be modified to extend to the end of Feb' 12: which is in fact when I plan to have the draft of my first book completed by. All is on track.
:):):)
To get fit.
Fail. Ok, well at first I went "fail, massive fail." But then I realised something. Yes I may have started the year off playing basketball with Hubbie a lot, running up and down basketball courts and what-not, with the attempts slowly dwindling to doing NOTHING of the sort. I could use genuine excuses to explain myself. Hubbie's busier schedule and starting a new job; me getting sick at one stage which removed me from all outdoor activities all together with no planned return to them - yes I could use these as an excuse, but I won't (even though I just did). If I had really wanted to do exercise, I would have found a way, no buts about it.
But then I remembered. Due to Hubbie's new job in the last couple of months this year, and the fact that he needs my car to get to and from work, I've been using the train pretty much every single day.
In the morning I walk 10 mins to work from the station. When I finish I walk 10 mins to the station. Then when I get to the station at home, I walk home for 25-30 mins, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
That's every day of the week I work. Now that's a good effort.
So, I have half-committed to that resolution too, though unintentionally:) I could be lazy and wait 15 mins for the bus to take me home, but I start walking. Procrastination eat your heart out.
To improve all my relationships, full-stop.
This is a tricky one. Grey in some areas, as most relationships are. People who I've in the past been distant with, or who I've been angry with, I've now grown closer to, or have a new-found respect for. Others, who I have struggled with in the past, I still continue to struggle with even now.
Over Christmas I tried to put my extreme dislike of one person behind me, just for the day. It worked, and I managed to see them in a somewhat positive light. But then like today, when I remember the shit petty-ness, insecure mind games and arrogance I've received from them in the past, my anger fuels up again and I feel really mad. It's not black and white. Nothing in life ever really is. But the fact that I'm trying to learn, trying to move on, and trying to accept the fact that in order to solve your relationship problems you need to change yourself, tells me that I've made some progress.
Grrr. Changing myself at the ignorance of others just shits me. I'm not the problem. But often in life you've got to swallow your pride (and let Karma take care of the rest....)
To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development.
Yes. Simply put, yes. Through all my reading and thinking and my daily work calendar full of quotes like "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus.
To enjoy life.
This one I completely forgot I wrote down, yet this is the one that must have stayed subconciously in my mind, because this one I, we, have definitely achieved.
We have stepped it up a gear. One of our motto's is "work hard, play hard." We don't always get a chance to do what we want, what with work, family commitments, and other occasions that take up our weekends. So when we do get spare time, we go all out. It may not be big to some, but to us we take extreme pleasure in it: buying coffee whenever we go shopping; eating big and well at very decent restaurants; spoiling ourselves on quality clothes; buying unique and different furniture to furnish our home. We spend a bit more, because that's the kind of life we want: one consisting of quality. Not in the future, but from NOW. Starting from right now.
And we have been doing it, for about 6 months now. Going out, splurging, exploring the town and just smiling. Life is now. You don't wait for tomorrow to enjoy it. That's what we've been doing. Any spare moment we get we enjoy it to the fullest potential, so that when we return to work the next day we don't feel pity for ourselves in seeing someone sitting and relaxing in the sun, and enjoying a coffee at an exclusive cafe.
(Yesterday we had chocolate drizzled cappuccinos and shared a huge waffle for two, drizzled also with chocolate, with side accompaniments of ice cream, strawberries and banana - and today I'm ok with being back at work :) )
Ok, enough reflecting, now for my 2012 Resolutions!
1. To finish the first draft of my first book by late Feb, and by the end of the year have it published with a reputable publisher, with the intention of writing more books in the series for that publisher. This is my first and foremost resolution, it is direct because I know exactly what I want. I'm more than half way there. It WILL happen!
2. To continue to read more, especially in ways that will help along with my writing, and also to read books that will continue to help me better myself spiritually. This is a two-fold resolution. So we'll go to 4.
4. To do some form of exercise ( I have to sigh at this resolution ) however in particular I want to zone in on my arms and make them more toned. I have a goal in mind, as Red has some arm exercises she has to give me in paper form. As soon as she gives them to me, (hopefully soon!) I start! As for the other general exercise, hopefully I will do Zumba with my at-home DVDs, if I can't make myself apply to yoga classes. Yes, as far as resolutions go, my tone in this one sucks, but hey, I have to try, true?
5. To continue living life with Hubbie to the full in every way, shape and form.
6. To continue thinking, believing and LIVING the law of attraction, both for myself and in unison with Hubbie. Although he says I inspired him, some things he has achieved of late have inspired me so much that I want us to continue on this enlightened path, aware that all that we want and aim for in life, we will have.
These, my friends, are my wishes and hopes for myself, and I wish you, all the same happiness, love, health and success that you so rightly deserve.
"Look, I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you, my kind of success."
- (Best ever end-of-movie quote! 'Jerry Maguire.')
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
2 things
It's been a while since I last wrote about anything happening in my life, and a lot of that has to do with the busy-ness of the Chrissy season. I've been trying to get cards written and sent, presents bought and wrapped, as well as send some pretty packages to family, and Blonde, spending their Christmas' overseas.
All that combined with the boss having sudden surgery, and being slightly overwhelmed at work with the increased workload (merging not so nicely with the busiest time of year for us) and I haven't had much free time for anything else.
The two things that I can say are this:
* With the insect-spraying that Hubbie did weeks ago, (knock on wood) the appearance of spiders has dwindled to none - wait for it - instead being replaced by cockroaches. Yes indeed. It is so weird. Never has there been so many in our house in such a short period of time. And they're fast too, or so Hubbie says when he chases after them. See I just spray them, and spray, until they stop moving. He's the effective one.
* I had this weird dream 2 nights ago that I just had to mention. Really weird. So in the dream, I'm on a train. With me is Red, but also, a friend of mine's sister. I can't remember if the friend is there. I recently met her sister at a lingerie party I held at my place, but in this dream, the sister looks different, more like my friend than the sister. Confused? Ok I will call the friend B in lack of a better name, because I feel creatively challenged right now. So in the dream, B's sister looks more like B, and perhaps that has to do with a real-life convo I had with B where she mentioned her sisters. I've only met one you see, and perhaps my subconscious mind was creating an image of her.
Why all the talk of B's sister? Just wait. Also, Red was at this lingerie party, so they all saw each other there. She said to me later on, that B's sister looked familiar to her, but couldn't remember from where. Maybe this is why Red is also in the dream.
Anyway, in my dream, I have somewhat finished my book. Yes, my book which I intend on beginning to write in the New Year. I say somewhat finished because in the dream the book looked rather thin, and not only do I KNOW I can write way more than that, but I just had a sense in the dream that it was an unfinished rough copy. Nontheless it had a decent cover and all in the dream. And for some reason, the book has ended up in B's sisters hands.
She's flicked through the pages, unenthusiastically scanned the first few paragraphs, and made some remark about it. I don't know even know if she said something to be honest, it was just the vibe I got from her: she didn't like it. In that moment I remember thinking "what can I do? How can I make the beginning more engaging, more interesting?"
And that was about it really. The dream fascinates me because A) in it I have a rough copy of my book, and B) someone who I've met once, who seemed really nice, is critiquing my book in it! Maybe her name has something to do with it. Maybe the thing is, someone of her name, sharing the same name will critique my book, such as an editor..... perhaps. That's a big thing to look out for. My mum tends to say that the opposite happens in dreams.... so will the same-name person like it? I hope so:)
In the last few days I've been thinking of writing a hell of a lot more. A few things have happened lately to inspire me, and along with re-remembering my old childhood loves, in terms of movies and books, reading some inspirational messages from my "The Secret" subscription emails, and I guess just letting the thoughts and ideas run through my head, it's left me feeling really excited. Hubbie's Christmas card to me which I received this morning, contained a message along the lines of "may you reach your goals in the next year."
I loved it. Because I knew what he meant. Even though he considers a lot of my positive-thinking, dream-creating stuff a lot of mumbo-jumbo. He's still supporting me:)
All that combined with the boss having sudden surgery, and being slightly overwhelmed at work with the increased workload (merging not so nicely with the busiest time of year for us) and I haven't had much free time for anything else.
The two things that I can say are this:
* With the insect-spraying that Hubbie did weeks ago, (knock on wood) the appearance of spiders has dwindled to none - wait for it - instead being replaced by cockroaches. Yes indeed. It is so weird. Never has there been so many in our house in such a short period of time. And they're fast too, or so Hubbie says when he chases after them. See I just spray them, and spray, until they stop moving. He's the effective one.
* I had this weird dream 2 nights ago that I just had to mention. Really weird. So in the dream, I'm on a train. With me is Red, but also, a friend of mine's sister. I can't remember if the friend is there. I recently met her sister at a lingerie party I held at my place, but in this dream, the sister looks different, more like my friend than the sister. Confused? Ok I will call the friend B in lack of a better name, because I feel creatively challenged right now. So in the dream, B's sister looks more like B, and perhaps that has to do with a real-life convo I had with B where she mentioned her sisters. I've only met one you see, and perhaps my subconscious mind was creating an image of her.
Why all the talk of B's sister? Just wait. Also, Red was at this lingerie party, so they all saw each other there. She said to me later on, that B's sister looked familiar to her, but couldn't remember from where. Maybe this is why Red is also in the dream.
Anyway, in my dream, I have somewhat finished my book. Yes, my book which I intend on beginning to write in the New Year. I say somewhat finished because in the dream the book looked rather thin, and not only do I KNOW I can write way more than that, but I just had a sense in the dream that it was an unfinished rough copy. Nontheless it had a decent cover and all in the dream. And for some reason, the book has ended up in B's sisters hands.
She's flicked through the pages, unenthusiastically scanned the first few paragraphs, and made some remark about it. I don't know even know if she said something to be honest, it was just the vibe I got from her: she didn't like it. In that moment I remember thinking "what can I do? How can I make the beginning more engaging, more interesting?"
And that was about it really. The dream fascinates me because A) in it I have a rough copy of my book, and B) someone who I've met once, who seemed really nice, is critiquing my book in it! Maybe her name has something to do with it. Maybe the thing is, someone of her name, sharing the same name will critique my book, such as an editor..... perhaps. That's a big thing to look out for. My mum tends to say that the opposite happens in dreams.... so will the same-name person like it? I hope so:)
In the last few days I've been thinking of writing a hell of a lot more. A few things have happened lately to inspire me, and along with re-remembering my old childhood loves, in terms of movies and books, reading some inspirational messages from my "The Secret" subscription emails, and I guess just letting the thoughts and ideas run through my head, it's left me feeling really excited. Hubbie's Christmas card to me which I received this morning, contained a message along the lines of "may you reach your goals in the next year."
I loved it. Because I knew what he meant. Even though he considers a lot of my positive-thinking, dream-creating stuff a lot of mumbo-jumbo. He's still supporting me:)
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The spiders have broken me
Back in my "Bubble and Squeak" post, I sort of gave you a scrambled up version of what had been happening in my life recently. Shortly after that, I remembered that I'd had a huge thing happen, that had absolutely, positively, FREAKED ME OUT. But, I decided that rather than update my post, or mention anything about my freak out, I would pretend nothing had ever happened, therefore ignoring the incident in order to hopefully not attract anything like that again. A la The Secret.
Well, something happened over a week ago, and in a similar although totally more freakish incident earlier this week, and I just can't contain the truth any longer. I must verbalise my fear.
The spiders. Huntsmen. They're baaaaaacccckkkkk.
I need to update you on what happened last time to freak me out so much. I should try and give an edited version of the incident in question, but I don't know if I can. I'll try.
About a month ago now, I was driving into work on a mild-to-developing-hot morning. As I got closer to the city, I remember thinking to myself, "should I open the windows?" I decided against it, and also half forgot. I guess at the time the heavy wind outside put me off.
When I was about 5 minutes away from work, stationary in traffic before some red lights, all of a sudden, something appeared to drop on my car bonnet in front of me.
I stopped and stared. I stared and stared at the object, frozen. Uncertain. Was that a spider?
Surely enough the huntsman scurried along the bonnet to one side. Just thinking of it now makes me shudder.
I was quietly freaking out. Here I was, driving to work, and a huntsman had just apparently dropped from the sky onto my car. Thinking back, I believe I was under a tree when it appeared, so it may have fallen from there.
It started crawling, towards the windscreen, to one side and to the next. I didn't know what to do. I was trying to drive, and getting totally sidetracked by this disgusting THING. I suddenly recalled my decision against opening my window, and thanked God I hadn't, or else it may have come inside my car. With my bad luck that could have happened, and I totally would have had a car accident. I would have gone mental.
I considered putting on my windscreen wipers when it crawled towards the window, however I was worried I would splatter it and have to look at a dead mangled spider for the next 5 minutes, which equally would have grossed me out. However in hindsight, I should have opted for that path. My other concern was that I would fling it, and then not know if it was still on the car. As warped as the logic sounds, at least if it's on the car, I'm certain of it, whereas not knowing it is there, and it IS, I would too easily be careless and then get a heart attack when it decided to reappear again.
So, I drove to the regular car park I go too, and the spider had decided to disappear along the bottom of the wipers. It was as if it was mocking me against my decision to initally use them.
As I approached the small booth that park-ees pay at before proceeding to park, I already had a little plan. D-man, the parking attendant who I see practically every day, was there. I left my window up, and proceeded to attempt sign language for the first time in my life.
"Is there a spider up there?" I yelled through the closed window, simultaneously pointing upwards and imitating a spiders crawl.
He looked confused. Perhaps because I was communicating through a closed window.
"Spider!!! Up there?!" I called louder.
D-man still looked puzzled.
I opened the window an inch. "Is there a spider up there? It was crawling and now it's gone and I'm really scared...."
"No, no, no spider."
"Sure?"
"Yes I'm sure I can't see anything."
I reluctantly, yet quickly opened the window and paid him, not only because I was scared the spider would re-appear but I had a line of cars building up behind me also wanting to get in.
"You scared of spiders?" D-man asked. He had a cheeky grin.
"Yeah, I just don't like them."
"It's ok I understand, my girlfriend is the same. No spiders there, don't worry."
I quickly closed my window, and went to park my car. As soon as I was all parked, and ready to go with my bags, I took a deep breath.
I had to get out of the car, but at the same time, I didn't know where on the car this spider was. My intense fear was that it would somehow fall on me as I climbed out, and the thought of that sent me into a huge desperation and panic.
I decided to sort of push my drivers door open, and then scoot over as close as possible to the passengers side, while still craning my neck towards the open door to try see if there was anything near my drivers side. I was practically sitting on the parking brake. I was there, peering over towards the car door opening, when I saw it.
Shudder.
This is very hard for me, just picturing it is totally freaking me out. I remember my fear and emotional pain and I'm doing it for the blog, so I hope one day someone appreciates it.
Ok, continuing.
The spider was crawling along the drivers side door, up the window. I freaked out, and practically jumped out the passengers side, all my bags in tow. To be honest, I actually have no recollection of jumping out of the car, or how I got over the parking brake and middle-car-bit (excuse my car lingo), that's how freaked out I was. I quickly ran to the drivers side, because I absolutely HAD to know where the spider was. If I lost sight of it, I would never know where it was, and that lack of knowledge would make me lose my mind.
It was now crawling right above the drivers door opening, rather than on the open door. It was in such an awkward position, that I didn't know if closing my door would kill it, force it out, or God forbid, enclose it in the car.
I think I stared at the spider for about 5 minutes, trying to work out what to do. I went to the passenger side and tried to look at where it was through the window. I looked around. I called a fellow work colleague, who we'll call Densley, who I was hoping was on his way to park at the very same car park as I was at. He didn't answer. I would've gotten D-man involved, only he was at his busiest time, with all cars coming in during the morning peak hour.
Before I could think much more, or decide on a plan of action, the spider dropped. It just disappeared. I didn't see where it went, it didn't look like it was on the ground or under the car. It simply dropped, and with it went my stomach.
There was nothing else to do, so I gingerly stepped towards the open drivers door and gently pushed it closed. My light push meant the car door didn't close fully, but that didn't worry me at that point.
At this point it was 9am. I had gotten there before quarter to nine.
As I trudged up towards the attendants booth, D-man saw me. "Where is the spider?" he asked smiling.
"I think it's in my car! I'm so scared, I don't know what to do."
"If you like, give me your keys, and when I have a bit more time, I will check it for you," he offered.
"Thank you." I was hoping he was gonna say that. I just didn't know what to do at that point.
As I trudged towards work, a deepening sense of dread seemed to sink further into me. I realised, that if D-man didn't find the spider, there was absolutely, positively, NO WAY I was driving home that day. The chance of a spider being in the car was too much to bare. I couldn't do it. It had to be killed, and I was beginning to realise that I had to see it get killed. There was no other way to guarantee my sanity and sense of certainty.
As I got to work, I was feeling so helpless, and I don't deal with not being in control of a situation too well. That day was another musical chairs day, I could see as I walked in, as my usual spot was being occupied by someone else, and rather I was going to have the spot next to Kitty. Usually I'd get a bit cranky and possessive about not being in my own spot (because I'm fully anal and have OCD) but today I just didn't care.
As I put my bags down, Kitty started to talk to me about some work of mine she had followed up on. She was chatting and going on and on, and I was just staring at her blankly, adding a monotonous "yeah" every so often.
Then I just said it. There was a slight lull in the conversation, and I went "Kitty, I don't know what to do, there's a big spider and I think it's in my car, and I don't know what to do."
A huge deepening sense of sadness washed over me and my throat tightened. I can't remember her reply. I'm sure it was something comforting.
Again I spoke, this time, my words were FLOODED with emotion. "Kitty, I actually CAN'T drive home if I don't see it dead. I just can't. I'm seriously freaking out." The tightness in my throat gave way to a huge ball that I just couldn't swallow, and tears welled in my eyes. My chin was going to start to quiver, I could feel it.
"I'm sorry, I have to gather myself," I said as I practically ran off. As I ran, hand over half my face, I happened past Densley, who in that moment, had seen that he'd missed my call, and also that I was apparently running off crying.
I was in the kitchen, trying to pull myself together, when I realised the most private place was the bathroom. So again off I ran. When I walked in, another woman was already in there, a newbie who had just recently joined our wider department. I mumbled a hello and stumbled into the cubicle.
Guess what? My parusesis was all GONE as I deliberately made myself go, knowing that just sitting in the cubicle would spark some curiosity in the newbie woman. She didn't have to know why I was traumatised, and I already felt totally stupid for crying over a freaking spider. However it seemed Kitty had other plans.
I heard the door open. "Miss S?" Kitty called.
"Yeah?"
"Don't worry about the spider ok? Densley has a vaccuum and he's going to vaccuum it out for you."
"I feel like such a dickhead Kitty."
"Don't worry Miss S he'll get it out."
As I walked out of the cubicle Kitty was already gone. Leaving the newbie, who had heard our discussion, unless she was selectively deaf.
"You're gonna think of me as the bug woman," I started with her. This statement came because of ANOTHER incident (I just attract incidents don't I?) that had occurred a couple weeks before that, where as a group of us went on a break, before opening the door that exits our department, which is also next to the door which leads to the bathroom, as we walked, a moth flew up from the corner, making me scream, the 2 girls with me scream and also funnily enough Densley scream. It was the screaming moth-effect, so to speak, And as this happened newbie woman had walked out of the bathroom ,witnessing our scream fest due to random moth.
So, now in the bathroom, I told her about the spider in my car. And you know what, she was so nice. She's become one of my fave people at work now. She was really comforting, adding that she had once left her car in mid-traffic because of a spider in her car. I felt so much better hearing that. Apparently I wasn't the only freak-spider-incident-attracting person.
I walked out, all regrouped and breathing normal again, and there was Densley, with a mini vaccuum in hand. I felt really touched, yet really stupid for reacting the way I had, especially at work. He on the otherhand, had thought I'd been in a car accident or something, what with the missed call and running off crying, and he'd felt really bad. He'd gotten the vaccuum from someone's work drawer, and now we were ready to do some damage.
Off we went, me in the background looping with "I feel like such a dickhead, really I do. Thank you so much for this...."
D-man thought we were hilarious as he handed me my keys back at the car park. He'd been busy and hadn't had a chance to check on the demon spider. And so we walked to my car. There still reminding me of my horrendous episode was the drivers door, still partly not-quite-closed.
Densley started opening up doors, as I explained where I'd last seen the spider, and watched from a good safe few metres away what was unfolding. He opened the drivers door, then the passengers door, looking inside and around the door every time. I was near the passengers side, when he opened the rear drivers side door.
"It's here, I've got it," was what he said. I couldn't see (I was practically cowering) but he tried to suck it up with the vaccuum.
And then it started to scurry. (Ugh, shudder). It started to run over the car roof and we whipped into action, slamming doors closed so that it couldn't get into the car. As it wondered where to go, Densley at this point said "it's only a baby."
Sorry, a baby? Only a baby? Well if that's a baby I'd like to see what you call a fully grown huntsman. Yuck.
Densley tried to suck it up with the vaccuum, several times, but somehow, and this is the point that confused me, it 'fell' off the car. I say this because at the time Densley said it fell down, and although I felt utterly disappointed because it offered no conclusion for me, he assured me it wasn't in the car. I consoled myself, thinking, 'even if it's on the bottom of the car, it can't get inside.' He seemed to me to be speaking very vaguely, and so I felt somewhat consoled yet still confused.
I felt exhausted getting back to work. I'd just gone through an emotional train wreck, and I wasn't even sure if I was out of the tunnel yet. Upstairs at work having a tea break with my buddies, I stared at my mug of tea, constantly envisaging the demon spider to suddenly appear, crawling out of my tea like something out of a horror movie.
At the end of my shift that day Densley offered to walk me to my car, and check out the interior so that I could drive home feeling more secure. He was hanging back at work for a work function, and I had to run off, meet Hubbie and leave for Mr Wine's uni graduation party that he was having at his place that night.
Densley was awesome. He lifted everything that could be lifted, checked out every nook and cranny in my car, very thoroughly, constantly reassuring me that it couldn't get in the car, IF it was on the car. It was sometime at this point that he said the spider has actually fallen on the ground, in which case he strongly believed it would have crawled off into the adjoining bushes, rather than hang around. I really hoped he was right, also really glad to know he'd seen it fall on the ground. I was so annoying, I asked him to confirm that fact for me, oh, about 6, 7 times.
Nontheless, I drove home, with the windows UP, in the warm car, constantly looking around me.
Hubbie was conveniently outside when I got home, so I sign languaged to him to check for spiders on the roof of the car. Once again my sign language proved futile, and he looked confused despite me yelling through the window, so I tentatively opened the door and quicky explained before I got out.
That night at the party, I told Red everything. I had a good laugh with her about it, we acted slightly like hysterical women do when it comes to spiders, and she told me that yes, that was quite a story. Vaccuum and all.
And so, as the great night ended, and it came close to midnight, Hubbie and I wondered off home. We both had work the next day, and had to get a move on. Being dark outside, my somewhat relaxed disposition in joking about my ordeal to Red had now transgressed to a paranoid cautiousness. In the car we got, and I began to drive, again constantly looking around me through the windows.
We had been driving all but 5 minutes. Not even. I took a path home via some back streets, however they were sort of commonly used back streets. This time of night wasn't too busy though.
I looked at my drivers mirror, and in it I could see the rear window, enveloped by the black night surrounding it. No cars were behind me, so only occasionally was the window lit up by passing streetlamps.
Then I saw something. Weird.
"Is that birdshit?" I asked Hubbie, confused, still driving yet staring at the reflection in my mirror. It looked like odd, random lines across the window, and when I thought about it I could've sworn no birdshit had been there during the day...
Hubbie turned around towards the rear window to look. He didn't say a thing. And in that moment, I knew.
I just pulled over. I barely could, being in the narrow back streets and all, but without looking I stopped the car, then put my indicator on. I was lucky there'd been no one behind me. I looked behind me at the window, and the freaking spider, IT was very quickly scurrying across the window.
"Quick!" I screamed. "Get it, get it!"
Hubbie and I have an unspoken agreement. I give him much love and happiness. He kills any bug I request. It's an agreement that works very well for us. It's never a question of WHO will get rid of any weird thing that comes MY way. He knows his job, his duty to protect me. And he does it well.
"Close the door!" I screeched. Hubbie slammed the door behind him, and I turned around to see the spider scurrying around to the rear passengers window, right where Hubbie was in front of. It was fast.
"Where is it?" he called out from the darkness.
"There!" I screamed wildly, pointing to the rear window in front of him.
He paused. Saw the spider. And went "Faaaaarrrrrrrr."
In a matter of 5 seconds, he took off his shoe, and BANG! Off the window the spider went. To spider heaven.
Meanwhile, about 3 cars had piled up behind me, unable to overtake because of the oncoming traffic. I wondered if the sight of Hubbie with one shoe, other shoe in hand bashing a spider, at 11.30pm in a little back street, would seem weird. I knew if any men in those cars had partners, that it would most likely be a natural occurence for them.
Hubbie came back to the car, and once again, as I'd done with Densley, I bombarded him with the same 2 types of questions about 8 times:
"Is it dead?"
"Yes."
"Was it on the car or on the ground?"
"It was on the ground."
"Are you sure it's not still on your shoe?"
"No I checked it's outside."
"So it's definitely dead?"
"Yes."
"And you're sure it was on the ground, like dead? It couldn't have gotten away."
"No, I got it Miss S."
"And I just have to make sure, it's not still on your shoe? I can't have it in my car Hubbie...."
And so this conversation was repeated, perhaps another 3 times on the short 10 minute drive home.
Boy, had I had a day. What a spider saga. Now it was uncertain to me whether or not the spider that had 'reappeared ' that night on the drive home was the same spider hat had been on my car that morning. I say that because Mr Wine lives in the same area Hubbie used to live, and that area is abundant to THOSE kinds of spiders, as I've had one come to live on my car for a couple of weeks because of parking under a tree there before we were married.
That, combined with hearing a few days later that my bestie Red had gotten a similar surprise of her own, FINDING a yuck spider IN HER CAR, after parking at her man's house, makes me think that it may indeed have been a new spider on my car that night, if even Red got one later on. But, it's too much of a coincidence for me to think that I had a spider on my car that morning, and then another one that night.
I'm calling the morning spider the terminator spider in my spider saga. It came back with a vengeance. It stayed on my car and reappeared to horrify me (yes I know that's not a real word, is it?). And in true terminator style, after its demise, all that remained of its existence was a lone spider leg hanging off my window, like the broken limb rattling on the back of the car in T2. Shudder.
Story 2: (yes my nightmare continues)
About 2 weeks ago I've come home from work to some good news from Hubbie: he has sprayed the entire exterior of the house with insect spray. I was rapt, because with the ascending Spring/Summer weather, I knew there'd be trouble, and I wanted to get the house 'protected' before any incidents occurred.
All was good, all was fine. 'Til that night.
In bed, Hubbie had his eyes closed next to me. I was reading one of my books, and as I went to turn the page, something caught my eye, above me. I looked up.
A freaking, massive, disgusting huntsman (shudder) was in the top corner of our room, above the doorway, near the air con vent. (And as I write, from bed, I can't help but look up and check that the coast is clear).
I don't know if I cried out, or poked Hubbie, but he opened his eyes, and I just pointed to the ceiling.
Once again - "Faaaaarrrrrrr."
At first he didn't know what he was going to try kill it with, 'til I handed him my slipper. I jumped out of bed and stood near the window, as far away from the impending murder scene as possible. As he got closer, the spider scurried closer to the vent. This was very worrysome. We assume that's where it came from, and we didn't want it going back to its hiding spot. Hubbie was now on a mission, he had to get it, before it got away.
From what he said (because I just couldn't look), IT was quick. It took a few thumps, Hubbie jumping towards the ceiling and all, but he got it, leaving a beautiful mess behind. Far out. On the same freaking day Hubbie had acted to repell the house of insects, the biggest and baddest of them all appears, IN OUR BEDROOM of all places. And that's not it. Guess what my big mouth said right after, if only to make things worse:
"Far out. Imagine I wasn't reading, and we had the lights off. We wouldn't have known it was here."
As I said the words, I stopped, frozen. Yes, imagine that horrific scenario. Unknown to us, that thing crawling around the walls of our bedroom around us. And to think, what other times, when the lights were off, was something crawling around in our beddroom....???
I'd actually shot myself in the foot with that comment, that observation. In that moment I was more than terrified, I was petrified, MORTIFIED. It took some coaxing from Hubbie to make me turn my lamp light off, and even then, I edged myself as close as possible to him as we lay there, despite the too-warm night. My eyes frantically searched the walls around me in the darkness, as my eyes grew more and more adjusted to the night. That night, I had constant dreams of crawling huntsmen, and I had such an interrupted nights sleep, waking at least 5 times, each time searching the walls around me with paranoid eyes.
I felt I had lost control.
Why was this happening to me? No, not the spiders as much. I was well aware that by thinking of spiders, even though in fear, I was still attracting their presence to me. Which is hard to avoid when you do think of them in fear. But more, I didn't understand when I had grown sooooooo fearful.
I thought of my entire life history and association with spiders. In my 3rd birthday video, little Miss S says to the camera "spider, yuck," after cutesy-coaxing from my parents in my thoughts of them. This may have come about because of my sisters intense phobia of spiders, hence the discussion of them.
Living with my parents, yes they got spiders, but nowhere near as many, or as disgusting as the ones we got here. Over there there was always daddy-long-legs, and little itty-bitty, bullshit jumping spiders. Sure, occasionally there would be a big one. But that's it, occasionally, not EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I thought of last summer. WOW. There had been soooooo many big huntsmen. Hubbie thought I was calling them out to play when he went to bed, with all my stories of chasing them around with the mortein. And yet, despite their appearances, I chased them. I certainly didn't cower into a little corner and cry.
I remembered my last incident of the summer. The biggest grand-daddy of all mega-huge-huntsmen had appeared one Friday night, and it was a horrible experience. I think it was quite possibly the size of my whole hand. I sprayed it, it went behind the fridge, and I actually had to watch it and wait for it to be in spraying range again before I could try kill it. I was waiting with a torch and all. Then it disappeared under the dishwasher. When I noticed a gap above the dishwasher, that could allow the spider to crawl up and into the adjoining section of cupboards, onto my servingware, pots and pans, I lost my shit. There was no way it's mortein-covered body was gonna spoil my dishes. I ran upstairs, trying to wake Hubbie through my intense sobbing, begging him to come downstairs and kill it for me.
When he moved the dishwasher, and saw IT, apparently all-white covered in Mortein gunk, he says it was practically dead already, it was so loaded with my attack spray. And what did he say when he saw it?
"Faaaaarrrrrr."
He freely admits, it's the biggest spider he's seen in our house, I think even to date. And it remains in our spider history of stories, the Grand-Daddy of spiders.
So I think, after last summers intense onslaught of spider after spider coming into our home, concluding with the biggest mother you've ever seen, I actually became broken from all my experiences, and rather than lifting my metaphorical sword in the air and proclaiming "I will destroy you," I've collapsed into a shell of fear, worry and paranoia. I'm not kidding when I say I do automatic scans of the rooms I enter in the house, ESPECIALLY at night. It's driving me crazy.
I must say, despite the whole agony of this post, being all "woe is me, spiders are out to get me," there is a slight positive note I can end with. Since the recent incident of the thing in our bedroom, we haven't had another appearance, of any kind (I'm not including last nights daddy-long-legs, that spider is so not intimidating). Which I'm slightly terrified to admit, knowing after I post this that I'm walking downstairs to put my computer back in the study, and passing room, after room, after room....
Perhaps that one recent incident was that spider just getting out, that is, the house being purged of all insects after Hubbies spray-a-thon. That sort of makes sense. And makes me happy. And able to breathe. And walk in and out of rooms here, a bit easier.
But what happened to me earlier in the week wasn't so breathe-easy on me. Having a tea break at work, early in the morning, listening to a colleague talk about crab fishing or something like that, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, towards my lap.
I looked down, and to my intense shock and horror, a MOTH was sitting in my lap. Ugh, Shudder.
I screamed jumping up, in turn not only giving myself a proper wake-up call, but also enlightening my colleagues around me. My scream really started their day.
Geez. When will these bugs ever learn? I don't like them. STAY AWAY.
Well, something happened over a week ago, and in a similar although totally more freakish incident earlier this week, and I just can't contain the truth any longer. I must verbalise my fear.
The spiders. Huntsmen. They're baaaaaacccckkkkk.
I need to update you on what happened last time to freak me out so much. I should try and give an edited version of the incident in question, but I don't know if I can. I'll try.
About a month ago now, I was driving into work on a mild-to-developing-hot morning. As I got closer to the city, I remember thinking to myself, "should I open the windows?" I decided against it, and also half forgot. I guess at the time the heavy wind outside put me off.
When I was about 5 minutes away from work, stationary in traffic before some red lights, all of a sudden, something appeared to drop on my car bonnet in front of me.
I stopped and stared. I stared and stared at the object, frozen. Uncertain. Was that a spider?
Surely enough the huntsman scurried along the bonnet to one side. Just thinking of it now makes me shudder.
I was quietly freaking out. Here I was, driving to work, and a huntsman had just apparently dropped from the sky onto my car. Thinking back, I believe I was under a tree when it appeared, so it may have fallen from there.
It started crawling, towards the windscreen, to one side and to the next. I didn't know what to do. I was trying to drive, and getting totally sidetracked by this disgusting THING. I suddenly recalled my decision against opening my window, and thanked God I hadn't, or else it may have come inside my car. With my bad luck that could have happened, and I totally would have had a car accident. I would have gone mental.
I considered putting on my windscreen wipers when it crawled towards the window, however I was worried I would splatter it and have to look at a dead mangled spider for the next 5 minutes, which equally would have grossed me out. However in hindsight, I should have opted for that path. My other concern was that I would fling it, and then not know if it was still on the car. As warped as the logic sounds, at least if it's on the car, I'm certain of it, whereas not knowing it is there, and it IS, I would too easily be careless and then get a heart attack when it decided to reappear again.
So, I drove to the regular car park I go too, and the spider had decided to disappear along the bottom of the wipers. It was as if it was mocking me against my decision to initally use them.
As I approached the small booth that park-ees pay at before proceeding to park, I already had a little plan. D-man, the parking attendant who I see practically every day, was there. I left my window up, and proceeded to attempt sign language for the first time in my life.
"Is there a spider up there?" I yelled through the closed window, simultaneously pointing upwards and imitating a spiders crawl.
He looked confused. Perhaps because I was communicating through a closed window.
"Spider!!! Up there?!" I called louder.
D-man still looked puzzled.
I opened the window an inch. "Is there a spider up there? It was crawling and now it's gone and I'm really scared...."
"No, no, no spider."
"Sure?"
"Yes I'm sure I can't see anything."
I reluctantly, yet quickly opened the window and paid him, not only because I was scared the spider would re-appear but I had a line of cars building up behind me also wanting to get in.
"You scared of spiders?" D-man asked. He had a cheeky grin.
"Yeah, I just don't like them."
"It's ok I understand, my girlfriend is the same. No spiders there, don't worry."
I quickly closed my window, and went to park my car. As soon as I was all parked, and ready to go with my bags, I took a deep breath.
I had to get out of the car, but at the same time, I didn't know where on the car this spider was. My intense fear was that it would somehow fall on me as I climbed out, and the thought of that sent me into a huge desperation and panic.
I decided to sort of push my drivers door open, and then scoot over as close as possible to the passengers side, while still craning my neck towards the open door to try see if there was anything near my drivers side. I was practically sitting on the parking brake. I was there, peering over towards the car door opening, when I saw it.
Shudder.
This is very hard for me, just picturing it is totally freaking me out. I remember my fear and emotional pain and I'm doing it for the blog, so I hope one day someone appreciates it.
Ok, continuing.
The spider was crawling along the drivers side door, up the window. I freaked out, and practically jumped out the passengers side, all my bags in tow. To be honest, I actually have no recollection of jumping out of the car, or how I got over the parking brake and middle-car-bit (excuse my car lingo), that's how freaked out I was. I quickly ran to the drivers side, because I absolutely HAD to know where the spider was. If I lost sight of it, I would never know where it was, and that lack of knowledge would make me lose my mind.
It was now crawling right above the drivers door opening, rather than on the open door. It was in such an awkward position, that I didn't know if closing my door would kill it, force it out, or God forbid, enclose it in the car.
I think I stared at the spider for about 5 minutes, trying to work out what to do. I went to the passenger side and tried to look at where it was through the window. I looked around. I called a fellow work colleague, who we'll call Densley, who I was hoping was on his way to park at the very same car park as I was at. He didn't answer. I would've gotten D-man involved, only he was at his busiest time, with all cars coming in during the morning peak hour.
Before I could think much more, or decide on a plan of action, the spider dropped. It just disappeared. I didn't see where it went, it didn't look like it was on the ground or under the car. It simply dropped, and with it went my stomach.
There was nothing else to do, so I gingerly stepped towards the open drivers door and gently pushed it closed. My light push meant the car door didn't close fully, but that didn't worry me at that point.
At this point it was 9am. I had gotten there before quarter to nine.
As I trudged up towards the attendants booth, D-man saw me. "Where is the spider?" he asked smiling.
"I think it's in my car! I'm so scared, I don't know what to do."
"If you like, give me your keys, and when I have a bit more time, I will check it for you," he offered.
"Thank you." I was hoping he was gonna say that. I just didn't know what to do at that point.
As I trudged towards work, a deepening sense of dread seemed to sink further into me. I realised, that if D-man didn't find the spider, there was absolutely, positively, NO WAY I was driving home that day. The chance of a spider being in the car was too much to bare. I couldn't do it. It had to be killed, and I was beginning to realise that I had to see it get killed. There was no other way to guarantee my sanity and sense of certainty.
As I got to work, I was feeling so helpless, and I don't deal with not being in control of a situation too well. That day was another musical chairs day, I could see as I walked in, as my usual spot was being occupied by someone else, and rather I was going to have the spot next to Kitty. Usually I'd get a bit cranky and possessive about not being in my own spot (because I'm fully anal and have OCD) but today I just didn't care.
As I put my bags down, Kitty started to talk to me about some work of mine she had followed up on. She was chatting and going on and on, and I was just staring at her blankly, adding a monotonous "yeah" every so often.
Then I just said it. There was a slight lull in the conversation, and I went "Kitty, I don't know what to do, there's a big spider and I think it's in my car, and I don't know what to do."
A huge deepening sense of sadness washed over me and my throat tightened. I can't remember her reply. I'm sure it was something comforting.
Again I spoke, this time, my words were FLOODED with emotion. "Kitty, I actually CAN'T drive home if I don't see it dead. I just can't. I'm seriously freaking out." The tightness in my throat gave way to a huge ball that I just couldn't swallow, and tears welled in my eyes. My chin was going to start to quiver, I could feel it.
"I'm sorry, I have to gather myself," I said as I practically ran off. As I ran, hand over half my face, I happened past Densley, who in that moment, had seen that he'd missed my call, and also that I was apparently running off crying.
I was in the kitchen, trying to pull myself together, when I realised the most private place was the bathroom. So again off I ran. When I walked in, another woman was already in there, a newbie who had just recently joined our wider department. I mumbled a hello and stumbled into the cubicle.
Guess what? My parusesis was all GONE as I deliberately made myself go, knowing that just sitting in the cubicle would spark some curiosity in the newbie woman. She didn't have to know why I was traumatised, and I already felt totally stupid for crying over a freaking spider. However it seemed Kitty had other plans.
I heard the door open. "Miss S?" Kitty called.
"Yeah?"
"Don't worry about the spider ok? Densley has a vaccuum and he's going to vaccuum it out for you."
"I feel like such a dickhead Kitty."
"Don't worry Miss S he'll get it out."
As I walked out of the cubicle Kitty was already gone. Leaving the newbie, who had heard our discussion, unless she was selectively deaf.
"You're gonna think of me as the bug woman," I started with her. This statement came because of ANOTHER incident (I just attract incidents don't I?) that had occurred a couple weeks before that, where as a group of us went on a break, before opening the door that exits our department, which is also next to the door which leads to the bathroom, as we walked, a moth flew up from the corner, making me scream, the 2 girls with me scream and also funnily enough Densley scream. It was the screaming moth-effect, so to speak, And as this happened newbie woman had walked out of the bathroom ,witnessing our scream fest due to random moth.
So, now in the bathroom, I told her about the spider in my car. And you know what, she was so nice. She's become one of my fave people at work now. She was really comforting, adding that she had once left her car in mid-traffic because of a spider in her car. I felt so much better hearing that. Apparently I wasn't the only freak-spider-incident-attracting person.
I walked out, all regrouped and breathing normal again, and there was Densley, with a mini vaccuum in hand. I felt really touched, yet really stupid for reacting the way I had, especially at work. He on the otherhand, had thought I'd been in a car accident or something, what with the missed call and running off crying, and he'd felt really bad. He'd gotten the vaccuum from someone's work drawer, and now we were ready to do some damage.
Off we went, me in the background looping with "I feel like such a dickhead, really I do. Thank you so much for this...."
D-man thought we were hilarious as he handed me my keys back at the car park. He'd been busy and hadn't had a chance to check on the demon spider. And so we walked to my car. There still reminding me of my horrendous episode was the drivers door, still partly not-quite-closed.
Densley started opening up doors, as I explained where I'd last seen the spider, and watched from a good safe few metres away what was unfolding. He opened the drivers door, then the passengers door, looking inside and around the door every time. I was near the passengers side, when he opened the rear drivers side door.
"It's here, I've got it," was what he said. I couldn't see (I was practically cowering) but he tried to suck it up with the vaccuum.
And then it started to scurry. (Ugh, shudder). It started to run over the car roof and we whipped into action, slamming doors closed so that it couldn't get into the car. As it wondered where to go, Densley at this point said "it's only a baby."
Sorry, a baby? Only a baby? Well if that's a baby I'd like to see what you call a fully grown huntsman. Yuck.
Densley tried to suck it up with the vaccuum, several times, but somehow, and this is the point that confused me, it 'fell' off the car. I say this because at the time Densley said it fell down, and although I felt utterly disappointed because it offered no conclusion for me, he assured me it wasn't in the car. I consoled myself, thinking, 'even if it's on the bottom of the car, it can't get inside.' He seemed to me to be speaking very vaguely, and so I felt somewhat consoled yet still confused.
I felt exhausted getting back to work. I'd just gone through an emotional train wreck, and I wasn't even sure if I was out of the tunnel yet. Upstairs at work having a tea break with my buddies, I stared at my mug of tea, constantly envisaging the demon spider to suddenly appear, crawling out of my tea like something out of a horror movie.
At the end of my shift that day Densley offered to walk me to my car, and check out the interior so that I could drive home feeling more secure. He was hanging back at work for a work function, and I had to run off, meet Hubbie and leave for Mr Wine's uni graduation party that he was having at his place that night.
Densley was awesome. He lifted everything that could be lifted, checked out every nook and cranny in my car, very thoroughly, constantly reassuring me that it couldn't get in the car, IF it was on the car. It was sometime at this point that he said the spider has actually fallen on the ground, in which case he strongly believed it would have crawled off into the adjoining bushes, rather than hang around. I really hoped he was right, also really glad to know he'd seen it fall on the ground. I was so annoying, I asked him to confirm that fact for me, oh, about 6, 7 times.
Nontheless, I drove home, with the windows UP, in the warm car, constantly looking around me.
Hubbie was conveniently outside when I got home, so I sign languaged to him to check for spiders on the roof of the car. Once again my sign language proved futile, and he looked confused despite me yelling through the window, so I tentatively opened the door and quicky explained before I got out.
That night at the party, I told Red everything. I had a good laugh with her about it, we acted slightly like hysterical women do when it comes to spiders, and she told me that yes, that was quite a story. Vaccuum and all.
And so, as the great night ended, and it came close to midnight, Hubbie and I wondered off home. We both had work the next day, and had to get a move on. Being dark outside, my somewhat relaxed disposition in joking about my ordeal to Red had now transgressed to a paranoid cautiousness. In the car we got, and I began to drive, again constantly looking around me through the windows.
We had been driving all but 5 minutes. Not even. I took a path home via some back streets, however they were sort of commonly used back streets. This time of night wasn't too busy though.
I looked at my drivers mirror, and in it I could see the rear window, enveloped by the black night surrounding it. No cars were behind me, so only occasionally was the window lit up by passing streetlamps.
Then I saw something. Weird.
"Is that birdshit?" I asked Hubbie, confused, still driving yet staring at the reflection in my mirror. It looked like odd, random lines across the window, and when I thought about it I could've sworn no birdshit had been there during the day...
Hubbie turned around towards the rear window to look. He didn't say a thing. And in that moment, I knew.
I just pulled over. I barely could, being in the narrow back streets and all, but without looking I stopped the car, then put my indicator on. I was lucky there'd been no one behind me. I looked behind me at the window, and the freaking spider, IT was very quickly scurrying across the window.
"Quick!" I screamed. "Get it, get it!"
Hubbie and I have an unspoken agreement. I give him much love and happiness. He kills any bug I request. It's an agreement that works very well for us. It's never a question of WHO will get rid of any weird thing that comes MY way. He knows his job, his duty to protect me. And he does it well.
"Close the door!" I screeched. Hubbie slammed the door behind him, and I turned around to see the spider scurrying around to the rear passengers window, right where Hubbie was in front of. It was fast.
"Where is it?" he called out from the darkness.
"There!" I screamed wildly, pointing to the rear window in front of him.
He paused. Saw the spider. And went "Faaaaarrrrrrrr."
In a matter of 5 seconds, he took off his shoe, and BANG! Off the window the spider went. To spider heaven.
Meanwhile, about 3 cars had piled up behind me, unable to overtake because of the oncoming traffic. I wondered if the sight of Hubbie with one shoe, other shoe in hand bashing a spider, at 11.30pm in a little back street, would seem weird. I knew if any men in those cars had partners, that it would most likely be a natural occurence for them.
Hubbie came back to the car, and once again, as I'd done with Densley, I bombarded him with the same 2 types of questions about 8 times:
"Is it dead?"
"Yes."
"Was it on the car or on the ground?"
"It was on the ground."
"Are you sure it's not still on your shoe?"
"No I checked it's outside."
"So it's definitely dead?"
"Yes."
"And you're sure it was on the ground, like dead? It couldn't have gotten away."
"No, I got it Miss S."
"And I just have to make sure, it's not still on your shoe? I can't have it in my car Hubbie...."
And so this conversation was repeated, perhaps another 3 times on the short 10 minute drive home.
Boy, had I had a day. What a spider saga. Now it was uncertain to me whether or not the spider that had 'reappeared ' that night on the drive home was the same spider hat had been on my car that morning. I say that because Mr Wine lives in the same area Hubbie used to live, and that area is abundant to THOSE kinds of spiders, as I've had one come to live on my car for a couple of weeks because of parking under a tree there before we were married.
That, combined with hearing a few days later that my bestie Red had gotten a similar surprise of her own, FINDING a yuck spider IN HER CAR, after parking at her man's house, makes me think that it may indeed have been a new spider on my car that night, if even Red got one later on. But, it's too much of a coincidence for me to think that I had a spider on my car that morning, and then another one that night.
I'm calling the morning spider the terminator spider in my spider saga. It came back with a vengeance. It stayed on my car and reappeared to horrify me (yes I know that's not a real word, is it?). And in true terminator style, after its demise, all that remained of its existence was a lone spider leg hanging off my window, like the broken limb rattling on the back of the car in T2. Shudder.
Story 2: (yes my nightmare continues)
About 2 weeks ago I've come home from work to some good news from Hubbie: he has sprayed the entire exterior of the house with insect spray. I was rapt, because with the ascending Spring/Summer weather, I knew there'd be trouble, and I wanted to get the house 'protected' before any incidents occurred.
All was good, all was fine. 'Til that night.
In bed, Hubbie had his eyes closed next to me. I was reading one of my books, and as I went to turn the page, something caught my eye, above me. I looked up.
A freaking, massive, disgusting huntsman (shudder) was in the top corner of our room, above the doorway, near the air con vent. (And as I write, from bed, I can't help but look up and check that the coast is clear).
I don't know if I cried out, or poked Hubbie, but he opened his eyes, and I just pointed to the ceiling.
Once again - "Faaaaarrrrrrr."
At first he didn't know what he was going to try kill it with, 'til I handed him my slipper. I jumped out of bed and stood near the window, as far away from the impending murder scene as possible. As he got closer, the spider scurried closer to the vent. This was very worrysome. We assume that's where it came from, and we didn't want it going back to its hiding spot. Hubbie was now on a mission, he had to get it, before it got away.
From what he said (because I just couldn't look), IT was quick. It took a few thumps, Hubbie jumping towards the ceiling and all, but he got it, leaving a beautiful mess behind. Far out. On the same freaking day Hubbie had acted to repell the house of insects, the biggest and baddest of them all appears, IN OUR BEDROOM of all places. And that's not it. Guess what my big mouth said right after, if only to make things worse:
"Far out. Imagine I wasn't reading, and we had the lights off. We wouldn't have known it was here."
As I said the words, I stopped, frozen. Yes, imagine that horrific scenario. Unknown to us, that thing crawling around the walls of our bedroom around us. And to think, what other times, when the lights were off, was something crawling around in our beddroom....???
I'd actually shot myself in the foot with that comment, that observation. In that moment I was more than terrified, I was petrified, MORTIFIED. It took some coaxing from Hubbie to make me turn my lamp light off, and even then, I edged myself as close as possible to him as we lay there, despite the too-warm night. My eyes frantically searched the walls around me in the darkness, as my eyes grew more and more adjusted to the night. That night, I had constant dreams of crawling huntsmen, and I had such an interrupted nights sleep, waking at least 5 times, each time searching the walls around me with paranoid eyes.
I felt I had lost control.
Why was this happening to me? No, not the spiders as much. I was well aware that by thinking of spiders, even though in fear, I was still attracting their presence to me. Which is hard to avoid when you do think of them in fear. But more, I didn't understand when I had grown sooooooo fearful.
I thought of my entire life history and association with spiders. In my 3rd birthday video, little Miss S says to the camera "spider, yuck," after cutesy-coaxing from my parents in my thoughts of them. This may have come about because of my sisters intense phobia of spiders, hence the discussion of them.
Living with my parents, yes they got spiders, but nowhere near as many, or as disgusting as the ones we got here. Over there there was always daddy-long-legs, and little itty-bitty, bullshit jumping spiders. Sure, occasionally there would be a big one. But that's it, occasionally, not EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I thought of last summer. WOW. There had been soooooo many big huntsmen. Hubbie thought I was calling them out to play when he went to bed, with all my stories of chasing them around with the mortein. And yet, despite their appearances, I chased them. I certainly didn't cower into a little corner and cry.
I remembered my last incident of the summer. The biggest grand-daddy of all mega-huge-huntsmen had appeared one Friday night, and it was a horrible experience. I think it was quite possibly the size of my whole hand. I sprayed it, it went behind the fridge, and I actually had to watch it and wait for it to be in spraying range again before I could try kill it. I was waiting with a torch and all. Then it disappeared under the dishwasher. When I noticed a gap above the dishwasher, that could allow the spider to crawl up and into the adjoining section of cupboards, onto my servingware, pots and pans, I lost my shit. There was no way it's mortein-covered body was gonna spoil my dishes. I ran upstairs, trying to wake Hubbie through my intense sobbing, begging him to come downstairs and kill it for me.
When he moved the dishwasher, and saw IT, apparently all-white covered in Mortein gunk, he says it was practically dead already, it was so loaded with my attack spray. And what did he say when he saw it?
"Faaaaarrrrrr."
He freely admits, it's the biggest spider he's seen in our house, I think even to date. And it remains in our spider history of stories, the Grand-Daddy of spiders.
So I think, after last summers intense onslaught of spider after spider coming into our home, concluding with the biggest mother you've ever seen, I actually became broken from all my experiences, and rather than lifting my metaphorical sword in the air and proclaiming "I will destroy you," I've collapsed into a shell of fear, worry and paranoia. I'm not kidding when I say I do automatic scans of the rooms I enter in the house, ESPECIALLY at night. It's driving me crazy.
I must say, despite the whole agony of this post, being all "woe is me, spiders are out to get me," there is a slight positive note I can end with. Since the recent incident of the thing in our bedroom, we haven't had another appearance, of any kind (I'm not including last nights daddy-long-legs, that spider is so not intimidating). Which I'm slightly terrified to admit, knowing after I post this that I'm walking downstairs to put my computer back in the study, and passing room, after room, after room....
Perhaps that one recent incident was that spider just getting out, that is, the house being purged of all insects after Hubbies spray-a-thon. That sort of makes sense. And makes me happy. And able to breathe. And walk in and out of rooms here, a bit easier.
But what happened to me earlier in the week wasn't so breathe-easy on me. Having a tea break at work, early in the morning, listening to a colleague talk about crab fishing or something like that, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, towards my lap.
I looked down, and to my intense shock and horror, a MOTH was sitting in my lap. Ugh, Shudder.
I screamed jumping up, in turn not only giving myself a proper wake-up call, but also enlightening my colleagues around me. My scream really started their day.
Geez. When will these bugs ever learn? I don't like them. STAY AWAY.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Random Observations of My Life
I feel like writing, and so here I am, writing about nothing in particular it seems.
And so it looks like I'm cold-y. I was flu-y, a couple weeks ago, with what apeared to be a severe throat infection. I say "what appeared" because I never actually confirmed it with the doctor. I didn't have to. I could feel it. The intense burning was enough confirmation for me. I just went to see him for the drugs. I do not apologise for my gratification from instant pain relief.
So now I've been sneezing, A LOT, I have a very very slight runny nose, and a decent amount of flem in my throat.
Great. My best friend the Flem. How I missed you so.
But I took some drugs last night (otherwise known as doctor prescribed tablets) deliberately left over from the last time I was sick, in the case of an emergency such as this.
I don't know whether it was the tablets, the pasta I ate, or the fact that my body had to wind down after my oh-so-hot shower. Or from the marathon Hubbie and I went through on the weekend which has left me wondering if my internal organs are still intact. And by marathon I don't mean in the sprinting sense.
Great. I just sneezed again. And someone here at work has just sprayed perfume. BEAUTIFUL. Because that is really going to subdue my nose which is becoming runny again. YAY me. And then I will have to go and blow my nose in the toilet again, because I have some unreasonable weirdness about doing it in front of people. I find it embarrassing. Just as I find embarrassing peeing in public toilets when there's someone else in there. I guess it's a case of mild shy bladder syndrome. Mild because I'm only affected when there's only one other person in the toilets. If there's more than one person, I'm not that concerned. So I have a bladder with a numero uno grade parusesis phobia. It's picky too. Seems my bladder takes after me.
I just blew my nose, very quietly. Yes I can't be stuffed going back into the bathroom. I'll just have to wonder forever (or 'til my next toilet break, whichever comes first) if I have snot hanging out my nose. Hey, maybe there's a phobia for that too. Snotaphobia it should be called.
Don't laugh, I just found out my fear of moths is a real one: Mottephobia.
Sigh.
Do you ever wonder why you dream so often at night? And by dream I don't mean the dreaming you do when you're asleep, I'm referring to the conscious dreams and hopes you have, that fly through your head at night when funnily enough you should be relaxing in order to fall asleep. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I have an overly active imagination. Maybe it is true that with Neptune ruling my birth number, I am prone to vividly wild and colourful dreams and fantasies.
But things just seem to pop into my head at night, the most interesting and weirdest ideas, but also the most fantastic. The most recent thing I've decided, as a result from laying-in-bed-at-night dreaming, was to start writing books. It's an old idea, which has recently been re-born from a conversation shared with Hubbie about our aspirations in life. It suddenly occurred to me during this discussion with him, that I actually held no current motivations to pursue a higher position in my workplace. When I realised I was happy where I was, and had come as far as I'd wanted to, I had to wonder: Did I have any work-related aspirations left?
For so long I had wanted to be a part of this industry, and now that I'd achieved it, and I was part of a large organisation, I had no desire to move up.
So I thought. And thought. And I didn't have to think much longer until it hit me.
I pictured writing. Creating. Then I pictured writing AND bringing that to the screen.....
And just like that. It was there all along. I'd always loved writing. I gave up the pursuit into that area academically after Martin "bastard" Bashir's disgustingly discriminative and one-sided interview against Michael Jackson during my first years at uni. The fact that he was a journalist, put me off the idea of writing for a living (well that, and also most magazines are published in the adjoining state, and I didn't see myself moving there, or working for a newspaper firm here.)
So instead I had looked to film and television. I never even considered writing an actual book, as I didn't want any time spent on a profession that I believed would not give me many returns, a profession that would be hit-and-miss in terms of success and monetary rewards.
So I just forgot. Forgot about my love, forgot about my dreams. Yes, I was still pursuing one line of interest, in tv/film, but what had happened is that I went through a grown-up phase. It's a phase in which you decide to grow up too fast, be all responsible, and unfortunately in turn, let go of the one thing you do well. Really well.
Until just recently. I had my "life talk" with Hubbie, where he initially put the idea into my head, which was subsequently followed by my discussion with Red, waiting in line for the midnight screening of Eclipse. And since then I've had thoughts running through my mind a mile a minute. Story ideas, characters; all a follow-through on things I've thought before, started before, but never really had time to devote to. And the difference now you might ask? Well now I have the time. I can make the time after work hours. I can work, AND pursue a love of mine. Now, I'm living in ATS rather than BTS. After-The-Secret. I NOW know that there is an abundance of love, happiness, health, wealth and success, available for EVERYONE in this Universe. It's all there only if you believe in it.
And I truly, truly believe in it.
So I guess that brings me back to my prior point. About only dreaming at night, while lying in bed. I find myself imagining things, planning things, and half the time I don't even follow-through with them. It's so annoying. I put it down to time, but really it comes down to lack of motivation and determination. And I hate to admit to being lazy and slack, so trust me this isn't an easy feat. And obviously, my book comes into this. I have so many ideas, but I'm unable to organise everything in my head. Maybe that's the true reason. Because everything is so 'blah' in my head, I find myself lacking a bit of 'POW!' to actually start anything. But I will make that change I tell you!
So, have you ever wondered about shit films? Like, you know, really random, horribly produced, directed and acted movies? I find myself, every so often, after watching a really crap film, wondering who the bozo was to give the go-ahead on such an atrocity? I mean, when something goes straight to video, wouldn't it make sense to NOT let that same guy act/direct/produce again? In this case it's probably a case of money, and money doing the walking and the talking on the way to creating something resembling a film, but falling way far short of it.
So all these points combined, and I will write a freaking fantastic set of books. And it will be full of awesomeness and goodness and inspiredness. Hopefully not including any of those 3 words as it wouldn't get past the draft stage.
Oh yeah, and the getting it to the screen part? Well, I have another dream. And going by my industry contacts.... LOL. I'd love to see it on the screen. My ideas, born from my brain, for all to see, because I truly believe, they can be acted out in a tremendous way.
Yes I know I aim big. It's not my fault. I just dare to dream.
And so it looks like I'm cold-y. I was flu-y, a couple weeks ago, with what apeared to be a severe throat infection. I say "what appeared" because I never actually confirmed it with the doctor. I didn't have to. I could feel it. The intense burning was enough confirmation for me. I just went to see him for the drugs. I do not apologise for my gratification from instant pain relief.
So now I've been sneezing, A LOT, I have a very very slight runny nose, and a decent amount of flem in my throat.
Great. My best friend the Flem. How I missed you so.
But I took some drugs last night (otherwise known as doctor prescribed tablets) deliberately left over from the last time I was sick, in the case of an emergency such as this.
I don't know whether it was the tablets, the pasta I ate, or the fact that my body had to wind down after my oh-so-hot shower. Or from the marathon Hubbie and I went through on the weekend which has left me wondering if my internal organs are still intact. And by marathon I don't mean in the sprinting sense.
Great. I just sneezed again. And someone here at work has just sprayed perfume. BEAUTIFUL. Because that is really going to subdue my nose which is becoming runny again. YAY me. And then I will have to go and blow my nose in the toilet again, because I have some unreasonable weirdness about doing it in front of people. I find it embarrassing. Just as I find embarrassing peeing in public toilets when there's someone else in there. I guess it's a case of mild shy bladder syndrome. Mild because I'm only affected when there's only one other person in the toilets. If there's more than one person, I'm not that concerned. So I have a bladder with a numero uno grade parusesis phobia. It's picky too. Seems my bladder takes after me.
I just blew my nose, very quietly. Yes I can't be stuffed going back into the bathroom. I'll just have to wonder forever (or 'til my next toilet break, whichever comes first) if I have snot hanging out my nose. Hey, maybe there's a phobia for that too. Snotaphobia it should be called.
Don't laugh, I just found out my fear of moths is a real one: Mottephobia.
Sigh.
Do you ever wonder why you dream so often at night? And by dream I don't mean the dreaming you do when you're asleep, I'm referring to the conscious dreams and hopes you have, that fly through your head at night when funnily enough you should be relaxing in order to fall asleep. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I have an overly active imagination. Maybe it is true that with Neptune ruling my birth number, I am prone to vividly wild and colourful dreams and fantasies.
But things just seem to pop into my head at night, the most interesting and weirdest ideas, but also the most fantastic. The most recent thing I've decided, as a result from laying-in-bed-at-night dreaming, was to start writing books. It's an old idea, which has recently been re-born from a conversation shared with Hubbie about our aspirations in life. It suddenly occurred to me during this discussion with him, that I actually held no current motivations to pursue a higher position in my workplace. When I realised I was happy where I was, and had come as far as I'd wanted to, I had to wonder: Did I have any work-related aspirations left?
For so long I had wanted to be a part of this industry, and now that I'd achieved it, and I was part of a large organisation, I had no desire to move up.
So I thought. And thought. And I didn't have to think much longer until it hit me.
I pictured writing. Creating. Then I pictured writing AND bringing that to the screen.....
And just like that. It was there all along. I'd always loved writing. I gave up the pursuit into that area academically after Martin "bastard" Bashir's disgustingly discriminative and one-sided interview against Michael Jackson during my first years at uni. The fact that he was a journalist, put me off the idea of writing for a living (well that, and also most magazines are published in the adjoining state, and I didn't see myself moving there, or working for a newspaper firm here.)
So instead I had looked to film and television. I never even considered writing an actual book, as I didn't want any time spent on a profession that I believed would not give me many returns, a profession that would be hit-and-miss in terms of success and monetary rewards.
So I just forgot. Forgot about my love, forgot about my dreams. Yes, I was still pursuing one line of interest, in tv/film, but what had happened is that I went through a grown-up phase. It's a phase in which you decide to grow up too fast, be all responsible, and unfortunately in turn, let go of the one thing you do well. Really well.
Until just recently. I had my "life talk" with Hubbie, where he initially put the idea into my head, which was subsequently followed by my discussion with Red, waiting in line for the midnight screening of Eclipse. And since then I've had thoughts running through my mind a mile a minute. Story ideas, characters; all a follow-through on things I've thought before, started before, but never really had time to devote to. And the difference now you might ask? Well now I have the time. I can make the time after work hours. I can work, AND pursue a love of mine. Now, I'm living in ATS rather than BTS. After-The-Secret. I NOW know that there is an abundance of love, happiness, health, wealth and success, available for EVERYONE in this Universe. It's all there only if you believe in it.
And I truly, truly believe in it.
So I guess that brings me back to my prior point. About only dreaming at night, while lying in bed. I find myself imagining things, planning things, and half the time I don't even follow-through with them. It's so annoying. I put it down to time, but really it comes down to lack of motivation and determination. And I hate to admit to being lazy and slack, so trust me this isn't an easy feat. And obviously, my book comes into this. I have so many ideas, but I'm unable to organise everything in my head. Maybe that's the true reason. Because everything is so 'blah' in my head, I find myself lacking a bit of 'POW!' to actually start anything. But I will make that change I tell you!
So, have you ever wondered about shit films? Like, you know, really random, horribly produced, directed and acted movies? I find myself, every so often, after watching a really crap film, wondering who the bozo was to give the go-ahead on such an atrocity? I mean, when something goes straight to video, wouldn't it make sense to NOT let that same guy act/direct/produce again? In this case it's probably a case of money, and money doing the walking and the talking on the way to creating something resembling a film, but falling way far short of it.
So all these points combined, and I will write a freaking fantastic set of books. And it will be full of awesomeness and goodness and inspiredness. Hopefully not including any of those 3 words as it wouldn't get past the draft stage.
Oh yeah, and the getting it to the screen part? Well, I have another dream. And going by my industry contacts.... LOL. I'd love to see it on the screen. My ideas, born from my brain, for all to see, because I truly believe, they can be acted out in a tremendous way.
Yes I know I aim big. It's not my fault. I just dare to dream.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
O-M-G.
I don't even know how to begin this blog. I think I should begin with: Life is bloody weird. The Universe is WEIRD. It screws with you and gives you things after you have proclaimed that you don't wish for them anymore.
It all started yesterday. Yesterday with my 'sick' blog (so to speak).
After posting that blog, still suffering from my cold/flu/possessed body symptoms, I couldn't really motivate myself to get back to work. It was tooooooo hard. So I started randomly reading some of my old posts. I just started clicking, and one click led to another; soon I was reading one of my earliest posts about a close friendship I'd had that had failed, and how after a meeting with her 10 years after the fact, I had come to the realisation that we were just destined to grow apart; and I was ok with this. I could move on.
The post in question: When I was 14, I was right - Part 2 (The Elephant in the Room)
I had been really enjoying reading all my posts. Laughing a bit, and getting caught up in all the stuff that had happened in my life over the past year. I was happy with my chronicling, and proud that I actually enjoyed my OWN work. So you can imagine how I must have felt when reaching the end of that current post, I read the last few lines and smiled with such contentment:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.'
I absolutely fell in love with this sentence. I was so proud that a quote, filled with such meaning, poignanty and realism, had come from ME. My mind, my creativity. I was so rapt in the moment, I immediately decided that that night I would make my facebook status that quote, minus the "I'll find out..." last line.
Although those lines were specific to that particular post, the encompassing meaning of life that rang through it made me think that it would be perfect as a facebook status, because often in life, we as humans come across situations that do test us, with unexpected things thrown our way.
I was telling Hubbie about it that night as we got ready to eat, and then I showed him the quote online. I was so excited about this quote, more for the fact that I loved the surprising nature of its meaning, rather than WHY I had written it in the first place.
So when I finally logged onto facebook, I copied and pasted into my status section:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along.'
I pasted it, and self-indulgently read it a few more times.
I was wondering if and when any of my facebook friends would see it and whether they would like it, so I clicked on the tab on the lower right hand corner to see who was currently online.
There were probably about 10 people. One of them was her.
As in my ex, previous, former best friend, of who I had just posted a quote that I loved, from a blog I'd written about our failed friendship, months and months ago.
I sort of smiled, thinking of the odd coincidence that she would also be online at this exact moment.
Not even a long moment later, I noticed that I had a red number 2, highlighted at the top of my notifications tab on the top left side.
I immediately thought: "that was quick. Must be someone referring to my status update."
After all, that was the only change to my page I had recently posted.
As I clicked on the tab to see who had done what, I almost froze. SHE had made a comment on my status, and also "like"-d it.
As I quickly clicked onto my status to read her comment, I had a weird half-smile on my face; I couldn't believe the absolute ridiculousness of it all.
Her comment went along the lines of "Yes, it's all part of life's lessons..."
I sat there, absolutely stunned about the events that had just progressed in the last 2 minutes. And yes it was only 2 minutes. I had posted a status, (the background text said "2 minutes ago") and her comment on it had followed so quickly afterwards ("posted 1 minute ago" - said the background text).
I had posted a quote that I absolutely loved. From a post about her and I, from my blog. About our failed friendship. The conclusion of that post had been that I was happy where we were in our lives, and I had no intention whatsoever of pursuing a friendship with her again, as I'd realised we'd had our time together, and now we were going our separate ways. Like that often circulating email: reason, season, lifetime. I can never work out the difference between reason and season friends, but she was a reason-er/season-er to me.
Or so I thought.
And out of all the friends on facebook, the one person who immediately commented and "liked" my status, was her! Un-freaking-believable, the whole irony of it!
I had to let Hubbie know, and he read over my shoulder as I filled him in on what had just gone down.
So I was left with two questions, two scenarios.
Was this the Universe's way of freaking messing with me? Well no, this wasn't one of my questions, but the thought did cross my mind. My question actually was: was this the Universe's way of telling me to not give up? Was it telling me that our friendship was not over, not done, the story of our lives had not yet reached it's conclusion? I couldn't help but ponder all this, especially since I found the incident so remarkable that it couldn't possibly be put down to just 'coincidence.' Some wild coincidence I say!
Or, was it something else? Had I attracted her response, in line with The Secret philosophies that I so strongly live by now? I had been reading the post I'd written about our friendship during the day. I absolutely LOVED the quote I'd written at the end of it. I'd spent all day thinking about it as my facebook status, and then spent a good portion of that night excitedly telling Hubbie about it. Had I inadvertently attracted this situation, and her response, to me?
I thought for a bit, and then did the only thing I thought was right to do. Test it. I didn't really care what would happen, so the outcome would only tell me which of my theories was correct, with no love lost.
So I wrote on her facebook page, just a general comment like "how have you been anyway? a very very belated happy birthday, looks like you had fun!" (in reference to birthday photos she'd recently put up.
She responded quickly again, saying it had been a great night and asking how I was. I chose the opportunity to do what I'd never thought I'd do again:
"yeah things are pretty good. (-insert talk about being sick as a dog, blah, blah, blah-) Maybe we should have that catch up we spoke about last time, when things calm down a bit. Take care:)"
I did it. I never, ever, EVER thought I would initiate any sort of contact with her again. Not that I hated her. It wasn't like that. I was just over the whole angst of all the years of "oh how sad our friendship has come to an end" bullshit I'd grown so accustomed to. The liberation of knowing it was just meant to be helped me to look forward and not worry about all that anymore. Our friendship was meant to end. I think....
Look, I'm not being hopeful or anything. I don't really care, honestly. I have no need for her. I'm just curious. And playing a game with the Universe to see what will conspire.
She hasn't messaged back to my comment. Either she hasn't seen it, or she is thinking about it. Or, she may just ignore it. And in that case I will know it was just a random coincidental incident that occurred, that I had freakily attracted her response due to my mad excitement about the quote in the first place.
But if she responds, and positively......Well that will make me think. I'll have to really think. And ask myself if I'm ready to go down this path and allow her into my life, when I have such fantastic friends already. I just don't know if I want to do that.
And if we by some odd, weird, peculiar and random chance end up friends again.... .well I'll just be flabbergasted I think. I'll need to start circulating an email of my own, with an extra addition to the reason, season, lifetime friends......
The Lightning Friend.
You have a lightning friend when you are close for a long period of time, and then, for no apparent, clear reason at all, due to no wrongdoing on anyone's part, your friendship ends. It may be that your friend goes away. You may simply just grow apart. You may both just need time to yourselves, so that you can breathe on your own and become your own person, in your own separate times.
And then, when you least expect it, often when you believe your friendship is over and dead to you, it will return. It will happen in the most unlikely and unexpected manner; but believe it, it is real, it is true.
However, be aware: this form of friendship is quite rare, thus the name, The Lightning Friend. Once this person enters your life again, it is a significant moment: the friendship should be cherished, preserved, and not taken advantage of.
Because lightning rarely strikes twice.
LOL.
It all started yesterday. Yesterday with my 'sick' blog (so to speak).
After posting that blog, still suffering from my cold/flu/possessed body symptoms, I couldn't really motivate myself to get back to work. It was tooooooo hard. So I started randomly reading some of my old posts. I just started clicking, and one click led to another; soon I was reading one of my earliest posts about a close friendship I'd had that had failed, and how after a meeting with her 10 years after the fact, I had come to the realisation that we were just destined to grow apart; and I was ok with this. I could move on.
The post in question: When I was 14, I was right - Part 2 (The Elephant in the Room)
I had been really enjoying reading all my posts. Laughing a bit, and getting caught up in all the stuff that had happened in my life over the past year. I was happy with my chronicling, and proud that I actually enjoyed my OWN work. So you can imagine how I must have felt when reaching the end of that current post, I read the last few lines and smiled with such contentment:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.'
I absolutely fell in love with this sentence. I was so proud that a quote, filled with such meaning, poignanty and realism, had come from ME. My mind, my creativity. I was so rapt in the moment, I immediately decided that that night I would make my facebook status that quote, minus the "I'll find out..." last line.
Although those lines were specific to that particular post, the encompassing meaning of life that rang through it made me think that it would be perfect as a facebook status, because often in life, we as humans come across situations that do test us, with unexpected things thrown our way.
I was telling Hubbie about it that night as we got ready to eat, and then I showed him the quote online. I was so excited about this quote, more for the fact that I loved the surprising nature of its meaning, rather than WHY I had written it in the first place.
So when I finally logged onto facebook, I copied and pasted into my status section:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along.'
I pasted it, and self-indulgently read it a few more times.
I was wondering if and when any of my facebook friends would see it and whether they would like it, so I clicked on the tab on the lower right hand corner to see who was currently online.
There were probably about 10 people. One of them was her.
As in my ex, previous, former best friend, of who I had just posted a quote that I loved, from a blog I'd written about our failed friendship, months and months ago.
I sort of smiled, thinking of the odd coincidence that she would also be online at this exact moment.
Not even a long moment later, I noticed that I had a red number 2, highlighted at the top of my notifications tab on the top left side.
I immediately thought: "that was quick. Must be someone referring to my status update."
After all, that was the only change to my page I had recently posted.
As I clicked on the tab to see who had done what, I almost froze. SHE had made a comment on my status, and also "like"-d it.
As I quickly clicked onto my status to read her comment, I had a weird half-smile on my face; I couldn't believe the absolute ridiculousness of it all.
Her comment went along the lines of "Yes, it's all part of life's lessons..."
I sat there, absolutely stunned about the events that had just progressed in the last 2 minutes. And yes it was only 2 minutes. I had posted a status, (the background text said "2 minutes ago") and her comment on it had followed so quickly afterwards ("posted 1 minute ago" - said the background text).
I had posted a quote that I absolutely loved. From a post about her and I, from my blog. About our failed friendship. The conclusion of that post had been that I was happy where we were in our lives, and I had no intention whatsoever of pursuing a friendship with her again, as I'd realised we'd had our time together, and now we were going our separate ways. Like that often circulating email: reason, season, lifetime. I can never work out the difference between reason and season friends, but she was a reason-er/season-er to me.
Or so I thought.
And out of all the friends on facebook, the one person who immediately commented and "liked" my status, was her! Un-freaking-believable, the whole irony of it!
I had to let Hubbie know, and he read over my shoulder as I filled him in on what had just gone down.
So I was left with two questions, two scenarios.
Was this the Universe's way of freaking messing with me? Well no, this wasn't one of my questions, but the thought did cross my mind. My question actually was: was this the Universe's way of telling me to not give up? Was it telling me that our friendship was not over, not done, the story of our lives had not yet reached it's conclusion? I couldn't help but ponder all this, especially since I found the incident so remarkable that it couldn't possibly be put down to just 'coincidence.' Some wild coincidence I say!
Or, was it something else? Had I attracted her response, in line with The Secret philosophies that I so strongly live by now? I had been reading the post I'd written about our friendship during the day. I absolutely LOVED the quote I'd written at the end of it. I'd spent all day thinking about it as my facebook status, and then spent a good portion of that night excitedly telling Hubbie about it. Had I inadvertently attracted this situation, and her response, to me?
I thought for a bit, and then did the only thing I thought was right to do. Test it. I didn't really care what would happen, so the outcome would only tell me which of my theories was correct, with no love lost.
So I wrote on her facebook page, just a general comment like "how have you been anyway? a very very belated happy birthday, looks like you had fun!" (in reference to birthday photos she'd recently put up.
She responded quickly again, saying it had been a great night and asking how I was. I chose the opportunity to do what I'd never thought I'd do again:
"yeah things are pretty good. (-insert talk about being sick as a dog, blah, blah, blah-) Maybe we should have that catch up we spoke about last time, when things calm down a bit. Take care:)"
I did it. I never, ever, EVER thought I would initiate any sort of contact with her again. Not that I hated her. It wasn't like that. I was just over the whole angst of all the years of "oh how sad our friendship has come to an end" bullshit I'd grown so accustomed to. The liberation of knowing it was just meant to be helped me to look forward and not worry about all that anymore. Our friendship was meant to end. I think....
Look, I'm not being hopeful or anything. I don't really care, honestly. I have no need for her. I'm just curious. And playing a game with the Universe to see what will conspire.
She hasn't messaged back to my comment. Either she hasn't seen it, or she is thinking about it. Or, she may just ignore it. And in that case I will know it was just a random coincidental incident that occurred, that I had freakily attracted her response due to my mad excitement about the quote in the first place.
But if she responds, and positively......Well that will make me think. I'll have to really think. And ask myself if I'm ready to go down this path and allow her into my life, when I have such fantastic friends already. I just don't know if I want to do that.
And if we by some odd, weird, peculiar and random chance end up friends again.... .well I'll just be flabbergasted I think. I'll need to start circulating an email of my own, with an extra addition to the reason, season, lifetime friends......
The Lightning Friend.
You have a lightning friend when you are close for a long period of time, and then, for no apparent, clear reason at all, due to no wrongdoing on anyone's part, your friendship ends. It may be that your friend goes away. You may simply just grow apart. You may both just need time to yourselves, so that you can breathe on your own and become your own person, in your own separate times.
And then, when you least expect it, often when you believe your friendship is over and dead to you, it will return. It will happen in the most unlikely and unexpected manner; but believe it, it is real, it is true.
However, be aware: this form of friendship is quite rare, thus the name, The Lightning Friend. Once this person enters your life again, it is a significant moment: the friendship should be cherished, preserved, and not taken advantage of.
Because lightning rarely strikes twice.
LOL.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
My Weird Dream
Two nights ago I had this weird dream. Weird not because of what I dreamt, I think it was more weird due to the emphasis of what happened, particularly since it wasn't something extraordinary that happened in the dream.
In my dream, which I think involved high school themes, (as in people from high school, the buildings at the school, etc, it's all quite a blur as dreams usually are) I could see myself. Not like seeing myself in an out-of-body context, but you know where you can see yourself doing things in your dream? Yeah like that. Only I actually saw myself, peering around the corner at myself. Yes weird number one, me looking at me.
There was also someone there, or more than one person there I'm not too sure, but it was someone from my high school days, that's the vibe I got. I think perhaps two dreams got mixed up there. (!) And as my sneaky self watched around the corner at my unaware self, my unaware self, just dressed in casual clothes, with my hair tied up in a ponytail, started to sneeze.
Once, twice, three times.
And not a little 'achoo.' These sneezes were with feeling. They were big, grand, and each one was a bit stronger than the last. I remember the last one quite clearly. As I breathed in deeply, I sneezed for the third time, and after it I exhaled, heavily, like that sneeze had taken every bit of emotion and energy out of me. I almost looked tired.
And that was it.
So can you see why I find it weird?
I like to analyse dreams, and try to work out my own in the process. I guess growing up, and listening to my parents tell stories from their childhood, has heavily influenced me. They grew up in a decade, country and time where people heavily spoke of "things" happening. There were ghost stories, only they weren't just made up fables to keep the kids from being too curious and adventurous, designed to keep them indoors and out of trouble. No, the stories they spoke of were of events that had happened, either to them, or someone they knew.
I know what you're thinking, and no, they're not urban legends, as familiar as the line "it happened to my mum's father..." sounds. I know this for sure, even though I haven't lived through it myself. My parents are not the sort to deliberately frighten you, and so the fact that they even told these stories, means there is some meaning to them. In fact, if as a child I had said, in response to one of these tales, "I'm scared to sleep now," instead of saying, "it was only a story," I would get a response like, "just don't think about it, that was then."
Just that thought alone makes me more confident in everything I've ever heard. I don't know why I don't hear stories of things like that happening nowadays, but part of me thinks, in line with The Secret, that the more you talk about a certain thing and believe in it, the more that thing will come to you. As people don't talk much about superstition nowadays, especially compared to let's say a century ago, I think these incidences don't occur as often. And when they do, in the new millenium of technology, they are ignored or not spoken of.
I might have even myself wondered whether or not my grandparents made up stories to scare my mum and dad when they were kids. But the fact that some of these stories actually come from my parents' experiences directly, supports my faith in them.
What are these "things" you may ask? Incidences involving a whole lot of spooky stuff, to sum it up. Lots of superstition, dark "things," black cats, and spirits, influenced quite heavily by religion. By this I mean that any sort of blasphemy or disrespect towards God brought about heavy penalties, in the form of weird things happening to the offender.
Along with these superstitions and stories, dreams were also looked at and analysed in the process, in order to gain an insight into why things happened, and what could happen in the future. When I think of some of the dreams I've heard, some of them so literal to the point that death in the dream actually resulted in death and life meant life, well, there's really no way to deny or ignore the truth. Although some dreams are literal, and other more of a metaphor to summarise something happening in your life, or something about to happen, I think it's hard to say there is no meaning.
And so, in coming back to my dream, it's because of all this that I take such interest in analysing them. My immediate thought, in thinking of my dream, was that it was such an ordinary event, but as I said, the emphasis on the ordinary, MADE it that much more interesting.
Firstly the sneeze. I thought "that's good." Good, because I saw it as an expression, something good coming out. I thought of what sneezes mean, and by that I don't mean that you have an itch in your nose and you get an urge to sneeze, I mean that with my parents, we have a common belief that if you or someone else is talking and one of you sneezes, what had been recently spoken of was true. Yes, a belief from the old school days. Every time we're talking and someone sneezes, my mum will say in her native tongue, "truth." So naturally, "truth" came to my mind when I started analysing.
I was at work when my dream came back to me, so I started looking up online dream dictionaries. I was curious about what some of the meanings of sneezing in your dream would mean.
One of the first web sites I came across defined this as something happy and joyful happening in my life. So that matched with my first assumption of what it meant.
But as I continued to search, not content with just the one definition, I started to look at my dream more deeply.
I thought of the fact that my hair was up - that was the first huge indicator for me. Hair generally means problems, so the fact that it was tied up and out of my way, suggested to me that some problems were going to be out of the way. And the hair being up, IS significant, as my everyday preference is wearing it down.
Secondly, I thought of the way in how I sneezed. It was with a lot of energy. The sneezing could represent a release of some kind, something from within me coming out. So that coupled with the emotion I did it with, I started to look at my dream from the perspective that some problem in my life, was going to go away. Something negative presently, was going to come out.
And yes, almost every other sneezing definition I found was also supporting that theory. All web sites pointed to sneezing being a metaphor for something being released, a negative something or someone leaving your life. A great web site I found in the midst of all this searching was sleeps.com. It made a lot of sense, and confirmed some dream-related queries I'd had for a while. Ever had a dream, look up the symbology in it and walk away wondering, "hmm, I don't know that I'm going to be starting another line of studying, but hey if the dream definition says so....." and the definition is just so not compatible with your current life, that you have to wonder? Well I raise my hand here. This site, and many others, were based around the central idea that you cannot reduce a dream you have to a single symbol, and you cannot go to a dictionary to find that symbol meaning, and expect it to relate to you. All dreams are subjective. A sneeze may mean release for me, but sickness to someone who has been sneezing lately. A range of things need to be looked at in order to analyse a dream, such as what the things in your dream mean to you, just in general, the word associations connected with your dream symbology, and a range of other things. A dream dictionary should only really be referred to if you have absolutely no association with something you dream of, if there is something you are especially neutral to.
Which makes absolute perfect sense. It's all about analysing the dream, and seeing what it means for you.
So in the end? I've come to the conclusion that given my every day association with sneezing, my dream symbology of hair, the emotion displayed in the dream, added with some of the definitions I found here and there on the web, that something negative, whether it be person or thing, will be released from my life soon. Which is great! I think this will bring out a lot of emotion, (hence the release from my sneeze) and the problem will be behind me once it is all over (the hair tied up).
There is A person in my life at the moment, who I am not particularly fond of. However this person is in the family, and so I don't know if they could really be put behind me forever. That is just not possible. However, perhaps my issue with them will be resolved. OR I may just give them a piece of my mind, and the WHOLE truth will come out. Now that's just scary.
I'll keep you informed if something happens. In the meantime, keep on dreamin'.
In my dream, which I think involved high school themes, (as in people from high school, the buildings at the school, etc, it's all quite a blur as dreams usually are) I could see myself. Not like seeing myself in an out-of-body context, but you know where you can see yourself doing things in your dream? Yeah like that. Only I actually saw myself, peering around the corner at myself. Yes weird number one, me looking at me.
There was also someone there, or more than one person there I'm not too sure, but it was someone from my high school days, that's the vibe I got. I think perhaps two dreams got mixed up there. (!) And as my sneaky self watched around the corner at my unaware self, my unaware self, just dressed in casual clothes, with my hair tied up in a ponytail, started to sneeze.
Once, twice, three times.
And not a little 'achoo.' These sneezes were with feeling. They were big, grand, and each one was a bit stronger than the last. I remember the last one quite clearly. As I breathed in deeply, I sneezed for the third time, and after it I exhaled, heavily, like that sneeze had taken every bit of emotion and energy out of me. I almost looked tired.
And that was it.
So can you see why I find it weird?
I like to analyse dreams, and try to work out my own in the process. I guess growing up, and listening to my parents tell stories from their childhood, has heavily influenced me. They grew up in a decade, country and time where people heavily spoke of "things" happening. There were ghost stories, only they weren't just made up fables to keep the kids from being too curious and adventurous, designed to keep them indoors and out of trouble. No, the stories they spoke of were of events that had happened, either to them, or someone they knew.
I know what you're thinking, and no, they're not urban legends, as familiar as the line "it happened to my mum's father..." sounds. I know this for sure, even though I haven't lived through it myself. My parents are not the sort to deliberately frighten you, and so the fact that they even told these stories, means there is some meaning to them. In fact, if as a child I had said, in response to one of these tales, "I'm scared to sleep now," instead of saying, "it was only a story," I would get a response like, "just don't think about it, that was then."
Just that thought alone makes me more confident in everything I've ever heard. I don't know why I don't hear stories of things like that happening nowadays, but part of me thinks, in line with The Secret, that the more you talk about a certain thing and believe in it, the more that thing will come to you. As people don't talk much about superstition nowadays, especially compared to let's say a century ago, I think these incidences don't occur as often. And when they do, in the new millenium of technology, they are ignored or not spoken of.
I might have even myself wondered whether or not my grandparents made up stories to scare my mum and dad when they were kids. But the fact that some of these stories actually come from my parents' experiences directly, supports my faith in them.
What are these "things" you may ask? Incidences involving a whole lot of spooky stuff, to sum it up. Lots of superstition, dark "things," black cats, and spirits, influenced quite heavily by religion. By this I mean that any sort of blasphemy or disrespect towards God brought about heavy penalties, in the form of weird things happening to the offender.
Along with these superstitions and stories, dreams were also looked at and analysed in the process, in order to gain an insight into why things happened, and what could happen in the future. When I think of some of the dreams I've heard, some of them so literal to the point that death in the dream actually resulted in death and life meant life, well, there's really no way to deny or ignore the truth. Although some dreams are literal, and other more of a metaphor to summarise something happening in your life, or something about to happen, I think it's hard to say there is no meaning.
And so, in coming back to my dream, it's because of all this that I take such interest in analysing them. My immediate thought, in thinking of my dream, was that it was such an ordinary event, but as I said, the emphasis on the ordinary, MADE it that much more interesting.
Firstly the sneeze. I thought "that's good." Good, because I saw it as an expression, something good coming out. I thought of what sneezes mean, and by that I don't mean that you have an itch in your nose and you get an urge to sneeze, I mean that with my parents, we have a common belief that if you or someone else is talking and one of you sneezes, what had been recently spoken of was true. Yes, a belief from the old school days. Every time we're talking and someone sneezes, my mum will say in her native tongue, "truth." So naturally, "truth" came to my mind when I started analysing.
I was at work when my dream came back to me, so I started looking up online dream dictionaries. I was curious about what some of the meanings of sneezing in your dream would mean.
One of the first web sites I came across defined this as something happy and joyful happening in my life. So that matched with my first assumption of what it meant.
But as I continued to search, not content with just the one definition, I started to look at my dream more deeply.
I thought of the fact that my hair was up - that was the first huge indicator for me. Hair generally means problems, so the fact that it was tied up and out of my way, suggested to me that some problems were going to be out of the way. And the hair being up, IS significant, as my everyday preference is wearing it down.
Secondly, I thought of the way in how I sneezed. It was with a lot of energy. The sneezing could represent a release of some kind, something from within me coming out. So that coupled with the emotion I did it with, I started to look at my dream from the perspective that some problem in my life, was going to go away. Something negative presently, was going to come out.
And yes, almost every other sneezing definition I found was also supporting that theory. All web sites pointed to sneezing being a metaphor for something being released, a negative something or someone leaving your life. A great web site I found in the midst of all this searching was sleeps.com. It made a lot of sense, and confirmed some dream-related queries I'd had for a while. Ever had a dream, look up the symbology in it and walk away wondering, "hmm, I don't know that I'm going to be starting another line of studying, but hey if the dream definition says so....." and the definition is just so not compatible with your current life, that you have to wonder? Well I raise my hand here. This site, and many others, were based around the central idea that you cannot reduce a dream you have to a single symbol, and you cannot go to a dictionary to find that symbol meaning, and expect it to relate to you. All dreams are subjective. A sneeze may mean release for me, but sickness to someone who has been sneezing lately. A range of things need to be looked at in order to analyse a dream, such as what the things in your dream mean to you, just in general, the word associations connected with your dream symbology, and a range of other things. A dream dictionary should only really be referred to if you have absolutely no association with something you dream of, if there is something you are especially neutral to.
Which makes absolute perfect sense. It's all about analysing the dream, and seeing what it means for you.
So in the end? I've come to the conclusion that given my every day association with sneezing, my dream symbology of hair, the emotion displayed in the dream, added with some of the definitions I found here and there on the web, that something negative, whether it be person or thing, will be released from my life soon. Which is great! I think this will bring out a lot of emotion, (hence the release from my sneeze) and the problem will be behind me once it is all over (the hair tied up).
There is A person in my life at the moment, who I am not particularly fond of. However this person is in the family, and so I don't know if they could really be put behind me forever. That is just not possible. However, perhaps my issue with them will be resolved. OR I may just give them a piece of my mind, and the WHOLE truth will come out. Now that's just scary.
I'll keep you informed if something happens. In the meantime, keep on dreamin'.
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