Humans are a truly odd race. We strive for ideal lives, aspire to the best in everything, and seek constant perfection in a clearly imperfect world. Our world is flawed indeed. We are a perverse race. We watch the despair and destruction shown to us by the news every day, our ears perk up at the slightest information of someone’s dramas and unhappiness, and we slow down to observe the wreckages that are smashed-up cars on the freeway.
Sometimes we’re lucky and the nightmares we view are far removed from us, as if we are watching them on a television screen or at the movie theatre. We are made a distant observer by our not-knowing the person involved, and ignorance to the situation at hand, unable to really comprehend the pain and anguish that the ‘other’ must be feeling. It becomes a real life play, but one that we can easily turn away from: from our computer screens, our radios and our tvs.
Although we may appear a confused and twisted race, we are nonetheless less perverse than some. Some are so sick and bitter, that their actions are hard to understand from a living point of view. It’s because these people’s motives and actions are so warped, so different and hostile from anything we’ve ever experienced, that we can only understand them from a ‘movie’ point of view. It can only be something out of a movie, we say. But unfortunately in many cases, it is not. It is real, and we are living it, living next door to and walking by these people every single day.
My predilection for horror movies and scary stories has been around for as long as I can remember. From my Mum and Dad’s stories about the mystery that surrounded them when they were young, I have always had a strong fascination for the unknown. I would watch ‘Australian’s Most Wanted,’ and ‘The Extraordinary,’ and then take flying, running-up leaps into my bed, in fear that standing too close to the foot of it would result in some unknown stranger/creature, grabbing me and taking me away to an unknown land of horror.
Stranger. Creature. Kind of one and the same when you think of what they can do.
This fascination has endured my whole life, and though I consider myself turned ‘soft’ with age, seemingly unable to watch a movie at the cinemas without covering my eyes at any footage of dark corridors, ominous shadows and rising, pitching, leading-to-something inevitable music, I am still drawn into this dark world. Angel remains one of my favourite shows of all time; I’m reading Dracula at the moment: yet it scares me. Maybe it’s the adrenaline that comes with the fear; maybe it’s the search for continuous drama. The thrill that comes after the fact is so terrifying at times, and yet I keep going back for more.
As much as these things both scare and thrill me, I’ve been fortunate: I don’t have nightmares, as such. I add these two words because I never dream about witches, ghosts, vampires or anything that’s really after me: as such. I add these two words again, in contradiction to the above, because lately, things have changed.
Sydney Road has changed. Melbourne and its people, and the characters in it, are showing their true dark colours. And its seeping into my dreams at night.
Up until just weeks ago, I didn’t really have vivid nightmares. My earliest recollection of one was probably when I was about 11 years old, of a weird animal-like creature chasing me into my house, and I remember in the dream furiously trying to get my key into the front door and open the door before IT could get to me. My neighbour was with me, and I remember it chased her down the street to her house too.
Days later when I went to her house, I discovered she had had her appendix removed. Upon review of my earlier dream, and with the information that I had been in hospital recently with the intent to get my appendix out, but it hadn’t happened due to certain recent pubescent ‘discoveries,’ I was able to deduce that this creature had ‘gotten’ her, so to speak, but not me. I was able to escape the appendix fairies.
Ever since then I’ve paid a massive amount of attention to my dreams.
If I ever had a bad dream, it was more of an eerie feeling, rather than anything actually happening. A weird lady would be cackling at me, or someone would be watching me. But there was never any fight, struggle, chase, or horrifying monster coming to get me from the shadows.
But you don’t need to dream about it for it to be real. Sometimes the monsters manifest and come for you in real life.
Last week, when the news came out that a Melbourne woman, 29 year old Jill Meagher, had been reported missing by her husband in the inner-northern suburbs of Melbourne after Friday night work drinks, the news spread quickly. Her media-related job helped the case get a lot of notice – from what I heard people she worked with kept giving the story a lot of attention. Her family set up a facebook page to find her, and being on social media, it took off.
She went missing after leaving a bar in Brunswick early Saturday morning: it was just after 1:30pm, certainly not too late by any stretch of the imagination, definitely not for the weekend. Coupled with that fact, she was walking down Sydney Road which is a pretty main road, on her way home – and home was about a 5 minute walk away.
Those were her last known whereabouts.
I heard about the case last weekend, but it wasn’t until I saw her husband on the news on Monday morning that my heart crumpled. He was so distraught, so sad, so upset; he was absolutely shattered. I couldn’t help but think of me and my own husband, and I just felt his pain, right there and then, as he hoped and prayed for any information, for her safe return, for her to come back home.
As the case received more attention, there was a sudden discovery. Police had found her handbag in a nearby laneway, in an area they had previously searched through on the weekend. This told them that possibly it had been planted there, to throw police off the assumed kidnappers trail. Unfortunately, this led the line of enquiry back to her husband, and through repeated questions and an investigative period of over 6 hours at the home he shared with his missing wife, the police came out with a definite “he is NOT a suspect.”
As much as the evidence of them spending so long at her house suggested at it being the other, something inside of me, and of the way her husband had been so pleading on the news, told me he was not the culprit. Family members and friends of the victim are always the first to be interrogated in any tragedy that befalls them, so it was no surprise that her husband would be receiving that kind of scrutiny. We’ve seen it before in other cases: years ago a man was crying out for the safe return of his pregnant wife and young daughter on the news, and days later it was discovered that HE had in fact buried them both. Sad but true, but this is where the investigations usually, firstly lead. I was so glad to see the attention moving to find the real, actual abductor.
When CCTV footage emerged of a man walking up and down Sydney Road, talking to a woman who turned out to be Jill, the investigation and the media response to it turned up a gear. Everyone was talking about it. They still are. I still get goosebumps just thinking about it all. It was only days ago that I was watching the footage at work, the cameras from a boutique store on that road that captured the footpath outside. It showed a man in a blue hoodie walk past the shop headed left, then moments later backtrack and pass to the right. It is believed that before coming onto the CCTV camera, he passed her before we can actually see, and passed the camera. Then he comes back, and comes across her before she reaches the shop. However we soon see them talking in front of it. It’s my belief that perhaps he went up ahead to see if there were any people around, to see if the coast was clear. In fact, there were. The footage shows several people walk past minutes before the hooded man and Jill come into view.
As they come into view again, from the right, it shows him talking to her, and her hovering somewhat behind. She has her mobile in hand, as if about to use it. They move to the left of screen – he is out of the field of vision, but we can still see her, lingering, almost unsure of what to do. They then move off camera, and it is assumed she followed after him.
When talking to a colleague at work about this footage, she told me some theories have emerged online about this hoodie man being the same person who has tried several times to abduct and rape other women around Melbourne. The story used by this man to reel in his victims is to say that they are being followed by someone else, and he is there to help. Although it hasn’t come out what they were talking about, her hesitation shows some degree of confusion as to what he is telling her.
As days turned into more days, hope of finding her alive dimmed. As positive as I am, I know that an investigation like this is dependent on hours rather than days to find the victim. Still, something inside of me hoped and prayed that she was alright, however dim the possibility and the chance of finding her alive seemed to be.
I’ve had nightmares lately. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about being in a haunted house with my husband, and having intense pressure weighted down on me by an unknown force – turning out to be the ghost who haunted that house. Other times I’ve woken up in a fright because of a feeling that someone is in the room, due to an eerie, weird dream I’ve had. Sometimes it just has to be a scary place, like the haunted house I dreamt about. That’s all it takes.
A couple of nights ago I woke to tell Hubbie “someone’s at the door.” I had heard knocking in the middle of the night, I was sure of it. But he assured me it was only a dream.
Nights later I dreamt of someone pushing me hard in the back. It was an intense, focused push, like a finger digging into my back. In my dream, it was Hubbie coming back from the toilet and pushing me, but when I woke up, screaming out “ahh!” I woke him up beside me. He was facing away from me, and yet the sensation of having someone push me from behind remained, like the feeling of sunburn hours after being outdoors for too long. It lingered, and that troubled me.
I didn’t know where all these dreams were coming from.
Last night, my nightmares escalated. It was night time, I was home alone and in the kitchen, and I could hear someone knocking loudly on our back sliding door. The stranger was yelling that he was going to come in if I didn’t let him in. In realising he wasn’t joking and he could perhaps be dangerous, I crept to the front door, let myself out into the darkness, and began bolting down the street. I kept looking back but there was no one to be seen. I kept running, thinking how I would run to the comfort and security of my parent’s house, but it was at this time that I started to wake up.
It seemed I’d woken up just before my alarm was to go off. I was so scared I didn’t want to get out of bed. But I eventually convinced myself that it was safe to do so, getting up, knowing I’d be late to work if I didn’t.
I listened to the radio with a keen ear on the way, knowing, hoping that surely, there would have been some development in the Jill Meagher case. It had been reported late last night that police had arrested a man after a day of questioning, but nothing had been confirmed as yet, as to whether he was the hooded man in the CCTV footage, or someone else knowing and/or responsible for her disappearance.
It was with great shock, sadness and also relief when I heard the news come through on the hour. Yes, he was the hooded man. Yes, he had been charged and arrested for her disappearance. And yes, they had found her… but not as everyone had hoped they would find her. He had led the police to her body overnight.
The few of us that were here at work crowded around the breaking news broadcasting over the TV, watching in curiosity and sadness the story that had captured the attentions of a city for the past week. I felt somewhat gratified that he had been captured: justice had prevailed, and the police had done a remarkable job of finding the man following a huge media campaign and awareness of what had happened. However it was too late, and knowing that it was probably too late even before her husband reported her missing the day after, was a sore realisation.
It’s a sad Friday morning in Melbourne. Both mine and my friends FB statuses display the sadness that this horrifying ordeal has come to. In the workplace it’s the most talked about conversation, and on the news it’s the feature story of every bulletin. Type in her name on the net, and endless searches about the case and the hooded man’s subsequent arrest abound.
And what have we learnt? What has this told us? That women shouldn’t EVER walk alone… in a world of equal opportunity and fair trial, what does it mean when a woman can’t walk home, 5 minutes to the comfort and safety of her home on a public street? What does it mean when this happens to a girl who lives in a busy neighbourhood, in a suburb you frequent, to a girl of your age, who has only been married as long as you have, and who works at a media organisation similar to yours? Who worked. What does that mean for me, for all women, for the entire city?
My imagination never let me stay secure and in a place of comfort before… I’d always look over my shoulder in my dark morning walk to work, quickly jump in and out of the car when it was night time, and turn on all the house lights as I made my way to the bathroom. I was paranoid and jumpy, just because of my upbringing, because of my preferred choice of entertainment… solely without any real reason for being, other than what I read and saw, what was fiction. Though when fiction becomes reality, and you truly have a reason to be scared… what then? Do you become a hermit, locked in your house, fearful of what’s beyond the safety of your own walls? What if what is dark and disturbing comes to you, as is the case of so many other real-life horror stories?
Thank goodness that damned cursed excuse for being is behind bars. May he be prosecuted, castrated, and all the limbs on his body slowly pulled apart, one by one, until all that remains is a big bloody mess. The universal law of Karma will ensure he gets that, and so much more. He’s hasn’t just hurt Jill, he hasn’t just hurt her family: he’s hurt an entire city.
In time, of course, our wounds will heal. Women will temporarily be on the lookout for odd-looking people, for these night creatures; they’ll travel in pairs, drive each other home with no chance of leaving them to walk alone, and avoid all conversation with randoms.
Time will heal, and with time, we’ll forget. We’re able to, because although it has happened to us, it hasn’t happened to us. As sad as it is, it will remain in the city’s subconscious… and like all things there, it will wane into a distant memory, almost forgotten, something that happened long ago.
And that is a sad thing, because things like these should never be forgotten. We should keep the memories in our minds, because with ignorance comes danger. Paranoia is a small price to pay for safety.
And that is a sober thought in the end. That the actions of a few twisted individuals of society should ruin the well-intentions of the rest of us. No one is safe anymore, and no one is allowed to ask for help, or be nice to anyone.
Like my dream, we can all run away. We can run away from the danger in our minds, push it far away, and pray for the stranger not to follow. We can do it, because all it is for us is a thought in our minds.
Jill sadly, cannot run away. She couldn’t. Her husband and her family can’t run away from it either, for it will remain a walking nightmare for them for the rest of their lives. I pray for them, and hope that they can take some comfort in knowing that justice will on some level be served.
R.I.P. Jill Meagher.
Showing posts with label Universe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Universe. Show all posts
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Part-Time Narcissist
The Part-Time Narcissist
In previous posts I've tried my best to avoid mentioning this person's name, even if it is just a nickname I'm providing. And although I've alluded to this person, it pains me to do so, as this person's energy simply drains me of all my wellbeing.
The person I'm talking about is Mouth.
Recent encounters over the past while have forced me into seeking assistance for the second time, by asking for guidance via a pouring-of-the-heart letter. The first response was encouraging: it acknowledged my pain and pretty much suggested to ignore her. That is really hard to do. Enter the second letter, which I wrote recently, and from which I received a response to last night. The antedote was short and sweet: "She's a narcissist. Read up on it. You will never change her."
Funnily enough, this enlightenment added further substantiation from a conversation I had with Kitty while at work yesterday. She and I were discussing a 'difficult' personality at work, and she also mentioned how her own Mum displays a lot of these same 'difficult' personality traits. I was suddenly overcome by a massive desire to purge my feelings, and so described Mouth to her, to see what she could tell me about her, and what she thought of her. After listening to my purge, she said a magic word that sent me on an Internet-hunt.
Narcissist.
Everywhere I turned to on the net, I saw descriptions confirming all that I'd experienced: egotistic, feels superiority over others, strong competitive drive, absorption in oneself, imitation of learned abilities. I was stunned. I'd found my answer, and was feeling pretty damn good about it. It wasn't so much that I felt superior over Mouth having discovered a personality type to attribute her to, rather I could now begin to understand what it was that made her like that and try to work out what it was I could do to cope with her. Having my second letter responded to, and having the answer be the same as what Kitty had suggested, confirmed my beliefs in a big way. I was on the right path.
It's gonna be a long journey, and having spent a good hour or so yesterday trawling through articles on Narcissistic qualities, I think I can ascertain that Mouth isn't purely Narcissistic, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on that one. I don't think I can wholeheartedly apply this personality disorder to her. However, she displays very narcissistic qualities, ones that give the impression of simply more than a healthy dose of narcissisim that we all require in order to live healthy lives. While the majority of us may display a 20-40% dosage of healthy love for ourselves, she my friends is up to 80%. And at times I believe still counting.
I have realised that everything about her I can deduce from her being a 3/4 narcissistic personality. It all makes so much sense. Therefore with my analytical abilities kicked into gear, I present to you my field case (let me purge myself, please):
1. Self-absorbed Egotist - This is perhaps the strongest part of her narcissism. She makes everything about herself, any conversation someone else is telling, she must stop and interrupt the story to bring it back to herself, either by proclaiming "that happened to me.." or "that's like this time when..." It's all about her. If her daughter has a birthday, it's about Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a mother." If her sibling has a birthday, it comes back to Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a sister." I'm surprised when her parents birthday comes around, she doesn't say "when they were born X number of years ago, they had little itty bitty genital and reproductive organs getting into gear and beginning to grow, for the one perfect day that I would be born."
Every conversation contains I, me, my. Who am I kidding, every sentence.
Even if she is communicating bad or good news about someone else, not directly close or related to her, it still somehow ends up being about HER. "Oh, this lady I work with has X illness.... ohhhh, I feel so badly for her, I have been thinking of her all day.... I don't know what to do to help her.... I can't stop thinking about her... I feel so depressed." Enter case point number 2.
2. Negative whinger - As a follow on from the previous example, everything is so 'woe is me.' It doesn't take much to make her start whinging about anything: traffic, work, not enough time, not enough sleep, sick, gossiping about others, coughing, blowing nose, depression everywhere - in the news, at work, with family and friends - and these are all genuine examples that she regularly takes a part in to complain about. She can't see the happy side. She doesn't believe in the Universe and like attracting like.
Just the other day I was trying to help her, telling her not to dwell too much on the negative. When I started on "if you think negatively, you'll attract negative things, they'll come to you," with a dismiss of her hand she said "Oh, I don't believe in all that." Well then you have no hope. Doomed to live in a never ending spiral of sadness and depression. She will just start up about her sicknesses "I haven't been able to shake this cold for 4 weeks," and says it in this weak feeble voice trying to drum up any amount of attention and pity. I have no sympathy for you, you attract this all yourself. You're always sick! I'm sorry to sound so cruel, but your bullshit has no boundaries. I will only think you more pathetic if you continue on your 'poor me' charade. Which going from all I've read about narcissistic people, you will.
Last time we met someone said to her how they hardly ever see her happy, they wonder if she ever smiles anymore. Of course, she took offence to that. Her husband said "you don't live with her, she's not like that all the time." I almost spoke up and said "how can anyone see you differently then what you show to the world? Everytime we meet you act like that and say negative things, therefore that's what we think of you. It's that simple!"
3. Superior Perfection - She is better than anyone. She is perfect, even though when she says "I know no one's perfect" she believes herself to be more so than anyone else. She believes that her acknowledgement of that fact exempts her of the right to treat people as equals rather than her inferior. She says things like "oh, I don't go there anymore, I've moved up." She name drops brands, places and people in an effort to impress and make herself look high and mighty.
She is right in everything, often (always) confusing opinion for fact. When you remind her of this, she moves onto another argument or ignores it. Her opinion is the right and only way. And when you tell her it's only her opinion, and on the rare occasion that she does acknowledge it being opinion, she still ends the argument with "no, I believe X." No matter what you are talking about, she MUST have the final say. I'm yet to test it, but if I were to follow her afterword with "No, I believe this," she would again reiterate her point of view, even though she has already stated it umpteenth times. But she must have the final word. And she will compete with you 'til she's blue in the fact, just so she can have the final say. Speaking of competition, point number 4.
4. Competitive - She will compete in an argument. She will compete that her point of view is right all the time. She will compete that her way and the way she does things is the only way. She will compete families, her own children, houses, cars, sports teams, jobs, even physical bodies. If there is a way to prove herself better or smarter than someone, she will find a way to compete in it. She doesn't realise that everyone is different; life is not a game, it is a journey, and each journey finds within it different experiences. She doesn't realise this. It's all about winning. Winning is more important than peace. She would rather make an enemy by pushing her point of view and having the final say (above point) and 'win' the argument, than have peace and find a new friend in it. And if she feels that someone has it better than her, she will find a way to put them down, gossip about them, and turn their fortune into a most misfortunate event.
Case in point. When speaking of her own cousin, without being prompted by ANYONE in the room, she started talking directly to her eldest daughter, though speaking loud enough so that everybody in the room could clearly hear. (condescending tone): "My cousin takes her eldest daughter to folk dancing lessons - she pushes her daughter too hard, right daughter? I'm not going to push my daughters into classes so that I can't spend time with them?" See that? She turns an otherwise neutral event (her cousin taking her daughter to dance lessons) into a negative event, by twisting it into the explanation that her cousin is missing out on mother/daughter time by choosing to do so. Therefore making Mouth the winner (once again) because she is 'winning' by not taking her own daughter to dance lessons. What Mouth can't face or even begin to realise because of her own insecurities, is that she is denying any notions or thoughts of herself being a failure as a Mum (there is no failure in this, but because she isn't doing this, she sees it as competition) and because she refuses to do this she turns it into an ugly, unnecessary thing, that in fact causes more stress to the familial relationship, than any one person would ever think dance lessons to be. She turns everything into her favour. And will never see it any other way. If you like gardening, and she doesn't, in her mind you win. But not until she puts down the hobby with "I don't like gardening, it's boring: I'd rather spend my time with my children." Now that she has made you feel like a loser for doing one thing you like without your children (heaven forbid) SHE is now the winner in her mind.
5. Un-empathetic - This is a tricky one. When I first read this narcissistic trait, popping up again and again in all the web sites I visited, I thought, 'hmmm, she HAS empathy. She actually feels for people, asks about them and remembers their birthdays. EVERY birthday of practically everyone she's ever met. Remembers dates of all kinds that you wouldn't imagine. But I read something that made my head go ting! I read that although they may ask you how you are, they are actually working from an automatic memory, and don't actually care how you are. This is one zillion % true. And it applies to the remembering of birthdays too. Every single time we meet, she will without fail ask "how long did you work today?" (when I've worked that day) and "when are you working this week?" (another kind of competitiveness I believe). She never asks me deep, genuine questions. Nothing about me the 'person.' In fact, when the day comes that I become a well-known writer and my first book is released, I know she will ask me "I didn't know you wrote! Why didn't you tell me?" And I will respond with "well actually you never asked." Boom. (I know I've mentioned this future fantasy of mine in an earlier post about her, I just love the thought of telling her she's selfish in a round-a-bout way.)
Another evidential point to her lack of empathy is the way in which she interrupts others conversations. I know I've already mentioned this, but her lack of care in what other people think and have to say is very strong justification for my point. It's only important when she talks.
And the birthday thing. Her obsession with dates, birthdays, and remembering EVERYONES. Once again, I don't think she actually cares. She is doing it for the wrong reasons - out of a desire to show how great and perfect she is by remembering birthdays, and again I think there is competitiveness attached to that. But the reason she does that, is she has mirrored her mother (see below point).
6. Narcissus loved the mirror - Not just herself. But growing up, she mirrored her mother, who is a very lovely person, by copying the traits she admired of her. Her mother is a person that remembers peoples birthdays and dates, and she took that on board, as she believed that made her an admirable person. However she's gone one step too far, in thinking that because she remembers, it somehow excuses her being a horrible person elsewhere (not that she would admit to being a horrible person - she would turn that accusation on your head and accuse you of being a horrible person for saying that to such a sweet, lovely, well-meaning person such as herself. Give me a break.)
Mirroring is a narcissitic trait. It is taken from an authority figure. And who is more authoritative to you as a young child than your own parent?
A narcissistic trait mentioned in the sites I've read is how these kinds of people like to get away from jobs, duties, they 'cheat' at work, and leave others to do their work. She is nothing at all like this, she actually does not stop, whether at work or at home (from what she tells me in her self-praise) and I believe it to be true. However again I feel this is a result of her mirroring the work values of her mother. So you see, everything is falling into place.
BACKGROUND
I haven't asked directly, but I have heard, and witnessed for myself a few things. So I can try to deduce a theory as to why she is the way she is.
She is naturally an attention-seeker, mirroring her own dad. Add to that her star sign, which on it's own has attention-seeking qualities, and you have a double whammy. Add to that, her parents, well not being necessarily frighteningly hard on her, but let's just say whenever she got an A for school work, instead of "Congratulations! Well done daughter!" she got "okay.... let's see if you can keep it up." Not getting the compliments she rightly deserved was the trifecta that I believe made her a rolling moss ball of insecurity, meaning she had to start speaking highly of herself because no one would do it for her, in order to preserve her self-image. This is no fault of her parents. They only did what they received themselves as children from their own parents. And when you see it from that side, you can't even blame her. It is the combination of the three factors that resulted in her strong tendency to display almost all narcissistic qualities.
Although her background does play a part in her narcissism, you can't blame a person for their star sign, or their intrinsic character, right? Yes and no. Everyone has the common sense and intelligence to determine what's right and wrong in the world. Maybe not so much when you're growing up, but they can change themselves as they grown older and out of childhood. The fact that looking around her as she's grown up, witnessing others, she still hasn't had the wake up call to a higher level of human decency, is beyond me. She has no self-awareness. Self-awareness is the most important thing in order to understand and better yourself. She can never be better, or even amount to a good, decent person at the rate she's going. The constant denial she lives in is staggering, and I would actually be afraid to enter her mind and witness the never-ending excuses she makes for every part of her life.
Hubbie asks me often "why does this bother you so much? Why can't you just let it go, forget about it, you can't change her!" And I don't know what part it is of me that drives me so, but like her tendencies towards narcissism, I too react due to a combination of factors. Firstly, due to my mother, I have a strong desire to need to prove people wrong when they are acting badly. Secondly, being of the same star sign as Mouth herself, and having made the decision when I was in early high school, after reading more of the 'unfavourable' qualities of my sign, I decided then and there that I would strive towards being the best of that sign, rather than the worst. Therefore, the fact that she represents the worst in all it has to offer, particularly maddens me. And no it's not that I am competitive against her. I don't like competition. Unless it's a game with a prize, it's not needed in life. Everyone is a unique and beautiful individual. I feel she is a bad representation of that sign, and being of that sign myself, is very upsetting (I believe in my signs!)
This analytical purging has helped immensely. Learning about her narcissism has also helped me in a massive way, even though most texts proclaim, 'they can never be changed.' Even with that, I don't feel so bad, because, now I know who and what I'm dealing with. Now that I know the game being played, I can move my chess pieces accordingly.
Check Mate.
In previous posts I've tried my best to avoid mentioning this person's name, even if it is just a nickname I'm providing. And although I've alluded to this person, it pains me to do so, as this person's energy simply drains me of all my wellbeing.
The person I'm talking about is Mouth.
Recent encounters over the past while have forced me into seeking assistance for the second time, by asking for guidance via a pouring-of-the-heart letter. The first response was encouraging: it acknowledged my pain and pretty much suggested to ignore her. That is really hard to do. Enter the second letter, which I wrote recently, and from which I received a response to last night. The antedote was short and sweet: "She's a narcissist. Read up on it. You will never change her."
Funnily enough, this enlightenment added further substantiation from a conversation I had with Kitty while at work yesterday. She and I were discussing a 'difficult' personality at work, and she also mentioned how her own Mum displays a lot of these same 'difficult' personality traits. I was suddenly overcome by a massive desire to purge my feelings, and so described Mouth to her, to see what she could tell me about her, and what she thought of her. After listening to my purge, she said a magic word that sent me on an Internet-hunt.
Narcissist.
Everywhere I turned to on the net, I saw descriptions confirming all that I'd experienced: egotistic, feels superiority over others, strong competitive drive, absorption in oneself, imitation of learned abilities. I was stunned. I'd found my answer, and was feeling pretty damn good about it. It wasn't so much that I felt superior over Mouth having discovered a personality type to attribute her to, rather I could now begin to understand what it was that made her like that and try to work out what it was I could do to cope with her. Having my second letter responded to, and having the answer be the same as what Kitty had suggested, confirmed my beliefs in a big way. I was on the right path.
It's gonna be a long journey, and having spent a good hour or so yesterday trawling through articles on Narcissistic qualities, I think I can ascertain that Mouth isn't purely Narcissistic, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt on that one. I don't think I can wholeheartedly apply this personality disorder to her. However, she displays very narcissistic qualities, ones that give the impression of simply more than a healthy dose of narcissisim that we all require in order to live healthy lives. While the majority of us may display a 20-40% dosage of healthy love for ourselves, she my friends is up to 80%. And at times I believe still counting.
I have realised that everything about her I can deduce from her being a 3/4 narcissistic personality. It all makes so much sense. Therefore with my analytical abilities kicked into gear, I present to you my field case (let me purge myself, please):
1. Self-absorbed Egotist - This is perhaps the strongest part of her narcissism. She makes everything about herself, any conversation someone else is telling, she must stop and interrupt the story to bring it back to herself, either by proclaiming "that happened to me.." or "that's like this time when..." It's all about her. If her daughter has a birthday, it's about Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a mother." If her sibling has a birthday, it comes back to Mouth. "X number of years ago I became a sister." I'm surprised when her parents birthday comes around, she doesn't say "when they were born X number of years ago, they had little itty bitty genital and reproductive organs getting into gear and beginning to grow, for the one perfect day that I would be born."
Every conversation contains I, me, my. Who am I kidding, every sentence.
Even if she is communicating bad or good news about someone else, not directly close or related to her, it still somehow ends up being about HER. "Oh, this lady I work with has X illness.... ohhhh, I feel so badly for her, I have been thinking of her all day.... I don't know what to do to help her.... I can't stop thinking about her... I feel so depressed." Enter case point number 2.
2. Negative whinger - As a follow on from the previous example, everything is so 'woe is me.' It doesn't take much to make her start whinging about anything: traffic, work, not enough time, not enough sleep, sick, gossiping about others, coughing, blowing nose, depression everywhere - in the news, at work, with family and friends - and these are all genuine examples that she regularly takes a part in to complain about. She can't see the happy side. She doesn't believe in the Universe and like attracting like.
Just the other day I was trying to help her, telling her not to dwell too much on the negative. When I started on "if you think negatively, you'll attract negative things, they'll come to you," with a dismiss of her hand she said "Oh, I don't believe in all that." Well then you have no hope. Doomed to live in a never ending spiral of sadness and depression. She will just start up about her sicknesses "I haven't been able to shake this cold for 4 weeks," and says it in this weak feeble voice trying to drum up any amount of attention and pity. I have no sympathy for you, you attract this all yourself. You're always sick! I'm sorry to sound so cruel, but your bullshit has no boundaries. I will only think you more pathetic if you continue on your 'poor me' charade. Which going from all I've read about narcissistic people, you will.
Last time we met someone said to her how they hardly ever see her happy, they wonder if she ever smiles anymore. Of course, she took offence to that. Her husband said "you don't live with her, she's not like that all the time." I almost spoke up and said "how can anyone see you differently then what you show to the world? Everytime we meet you act like that and say negative things, therefore that's what we think of you. It's that simple!"
3. Superior Perfection - She is better than anyone. She is perfect, even though when she says "I know no one's perfect" she believes herself to be more so than anyone else. She believes that her acknowledgement of that fact exempts her of the right to treat people as equals rather than her inferior. She says things like "oh, I don't go there anymore, I've moved up." She name drops brands, places and people in an effort to impress and make herself look high and mighty.
She is right in everything, often (always) confusing opinion for fact. When you remind her of this, she moves onto another argument or ignores it. Her opinion is the right and only way. And when you tell her it's only her opinion, and on the rare occasion that she does acknowledge it being opinion, she still ends the argument with "no, I believe X." No matter what you are talking about, she MUST have the final say. I'm yet to test it, but if I were to follow her afterword with "No, I believe this," she would again reiterate her point of view, even though she has already stated it umpteenth times. But she must have the final word. And she will compete with you 'til she's blue in the fact, just so she can have the final say. Speaking of competition, point number 4.
4. Competitive - She will compete in an argument. She will compete that her point of view is right all the time. She will compete that her way and the way she does things is the only way. She will compete families, her own children, houses, cars, sports teams, jobs, even physical bodies. If there is a way to prove herself better or smarter than someone, she will find a way to compete in it. She doesn't realise that everyone is different; life is not a game, it is a journey, and each journey finds within it different experiences. She doesn't realise this. It's all about winning. Winning is more important than peace. She would rather make an enemy by pushing her point of view and having the final say (above point) and 'win' the argument, than have peace and find a new friend in it. And if she feels that someone has it better than her, she will find a way to put them down, gossip about them, and turn their fortune into a most misfortunate event.
Case in point. When speaking of her own cousin, without being prompted by ANYONE in the room, she started talking directly to her eldest daughter, though speaking loud enough so that everybody in the room could clearly hear. (condescending tone): "My cousin takes her eldest daughter to folk dancing lessons - she pushes her daughter too hard, right daughter? I'm not going to push my daughters into classes so that I can't spend time with them?" See that? She turns an otherwise neutral event (her cousin taking her daughter to dance lessons) into a negative event, by twisting it into the explanation that her cousin is missing out on mother/daughter time by choosing to do so. Therefore making Mouth the winner (once again) because she is 'winning' by not taking her own daughter to dance lessons. What Mouth can't face or even begin to realise because of her own insecurities, is that she is denying any notions or thoughts of herself being a failure as a Mum (there is no failure in this, but because she isn't doing this, she sees it as competition) and because she refuses to do this she turns it into an ugly, unnecessary thing, that in fact causes more stress to the familial relationship, than any one person would ever think dance lessons to be. She turns everything into her favour. And will never see it any other way. If you like gardening, and she doesn't, in her mind you win. But not until she puts down the hobby with "I don't like gardening, it's boring: I'd rather spend my time with my children." Now that she has made you feel like a loser for doing one thing you like without your children (heaven forbid) SHE is now the winner in her mind.
5. Un-empathetic - This is a tricky one. When I first read this narcissistic trait, popping up again and again in all the web sites I visited, I thought, 'hmmm, she HAS empathy. She actually feels for people, asks about them and remembers their birthdays. EVERY birthday of practically everyone she's ever met. Remembers dates of all kinds that you wouldn't imagine. But I read something that made my head go ting! I read that although they may ask you how you are, they are actually working from an automatic memory, and don't actually care how you are. This is one zillion % true. And it applies to the remembering of birthdays too. Every single time we meet, she will without fail ask "how long did you work today?" (when I've worked that day) and "when are you working this week?" (another kind of competitiveness I believe). She never asks me deep, genuine questions. Nothing about me the 'person.' In fact, when the day comes that I become a well-known writer and my first book is released, I know she will ask me "I didn't know you wrote! Why didn't you tell me?" And I will respond with "well actually you never asked." Boom. (I know I've mentioned this future fantasy of mine in an earlier post about her, I just love the thought of telling her she's selfish in a round-a-bout way.)
Another evidential point to her lack of empathy is the way in which she interrupts others conversations. I know I've already mentioned this, but her lack of care in what other people think and have to say is very strong justification for my point. It's only important when she talks.
And the birthday thing. Her obsession with dates, birthdays, and remembering EVERYONES. Once again, I don't think she actually cares. She is doing it for the wrong reasons - out of a desire to show how great and perfect she is by remembering birthdays, and again I think there is competitiveness attached to that. But the reason she does that, is she has mirrored her mother (see below point).
6. Narcissus loved the mirror - Not just herself. But growing up, she mirrored her mother, who is a very lovely person, by copying the traits she admired of her. Her mother is a person that remembers peoples birthdays and dates, and she took that on board, as she believed that made her an admirable person. However she's gone one step too far, in thinking that because she remembers, it somehow excuses her being a horrible person elsewhere (not that she would admit to being a horrible person - she would turn that accusation on your head and accuse you of being a horrible person for saying that to such a sweet, lovely, well-meaning person such as herself. Give me a break.)
Mirroring is a narcissitic trait. It is taken from an authority figure. And who is more authoritative to you as a young child than your own parent?
A narcissistic trait mentioned in the sites I've read is how these kinds of people like to get away from jobs, duties, they 'cheat' at work, and leave others to do their work. She is nothing at all like this, she actually does not stop, whether at work or at home (from what she tells me in her self-praise) and I believe it to be true. However again I feel this is a result of her mirroring the work values of her mother. So you see, everything is falling into place.
BACKGROUND
I haven't asked directly, but I have heard, and witnessed for myself a few things. So I can try to deduce a theory as to why she is the way she is.
She is naturally an attention-seeker, mirroring her own dad. Add to that her star sign, which on it's own has attention-seeking qualities, and you have a double whammy. Add to that, her parents, well not being necessarily frighteningly hard on her, but let's just say whenever she got an A for school work, instead of "Congratulations! Well done daughter!" she got "okay.... let's see if you can keep it up." Not getting the compliments she rightly deserved was the trifecta that I believe made her a rolling moss ball of insecurity, meaning she had to start speaking highly of herself because no one would do it for her, in order to preserve her self-image. This is no fault of her parents. They only did what they received themselves as children from their own parents. And when you see it from that side, you can't even blame her. It is the combination of the three factors that resulted in her strong tendency to display almost all narcissistic qualities.
Although her background does play a part in her narcissism, you can't blame a person for their star sign, or their intrinsic character, right? Yes and no. Everyone has the common sense and intelligence to determine what's right and wrong in the world. Maybe not so much when you're growing up, but they can change themselves as they grown older and out of childhood. The fact that looking around her as she's grown up, witnessing others, she still hasn't had the wake up call to a higher level of human decency, is beyond me. She has no self-awareness. Self-awareness is the most important thing in order to understand and better yourself. She can never be better, or even amount to a good, decent person at the rate she's going. The constant denial she lives in is staggering, and I would actually be afraid to enter her mind and witness the never-ending excuses she makes for every part of her life.
Hubbie asks me often "why does this bother you so much? Why can't you just let it go, forget about it, you can't change her!" And I don't know what part it is of me that drives me so, but like her tendencies towards narcissism, I too react due to a combination of factors. Firstly, due to my mother, I have a strong desire to need to prove people wrong when they are acting badly. Secondly, being of the same star sign as Mouth herself, and having made the decision when I was in early high school, after reading more of the 'unfavourable' qualities of my sign, I decided then and there that I would strive towards being the best of that sign, rather than the worst. Therefore, the fact that she represents the worst in all it has to offer, particularly maddens me. And no it's not that I am competitive against her. I don't like competition. Unless it's a game with a prize, it's not needed in life. Everyone is a unique and beautiful individual. I feel she is a bad representation of that sign, and being of that sign myself, is very upsetting (I believe in my signs!)
This analytical purging has helped immensely. Learning about her narcissism has also helped me in a massive way, even though most texts proclaim, 'they can never be changed.' Even with that, I don't feel so bad, because, now I know who and what I'm dealing with. Now that I know the game being played, I can move my chess pieces accordingly.
Check Mate.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
O-M-G.
I don't even know how to begin this blog. I think I should begin with: Life is bloody weird. The Universe is WEIRD. It screws with you and gives you things after you have proclaimed that you don't wish for them anymore.
It all started yesterday. Yesterday with my 'sick' blog (so to speak).
After posting that blog, still suffering from my cold/flu/possessed body symptoms, I couldn't really motivate myself to get back to work. It was tooooooo hard. So I started randomly reading some of my old posts. I just started clicking, and one click led to another; soon I was reading one of my earliest posts about a close friendship I'd had that had failed, and how after a meeting with her 10 years after the fact, I had come to the realisation that we were just destined to grow apart; and I was ok with this. I could move on.
The post in question: When I was 14, I was right - Part 2 (The Elephant in the Room)
I had been really enjoying reading all my posts. Laughing a bit, and getting caught up in all the stuff that had happened in my life over the past year. I was happy with my chronicling, and proud that I actually enjoyed my OWN work. So you can imagine how I must have felt when reaching the end of that current post, I read the last few lines and smiled with such contentment:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.'
I absolutely fell in love with this sentence. I was so proud that a quote, filled with such meaning, poignanty and realism, had come from ME. My mind, my creativity. I was so rapt in the moment, I immediately decided that that night I would make my facebook status that quote, minus the "I'll find out..." last line.
Although those lines were specific to that particular post, the encompassing meaning of life that rang through it made me think that it would be perfect as a facebook status, because often in life, we as humans come across situations that do test us, with unexpected things thrown our way.
I was telling Hubbie about it that night as we got ready to eat, and then I showed him the quote online. I was so excited about this quote, more for the fact that I loved the surprising nature of its meaning, rather than WHY I had written it in the first place.
So when I finally logged onto facebook, I copied and pasted into my status section:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along.'
I pasted it, and self-indulgently read it a few more times.
I was wondering if and when any of my facebook friends would see it and whether they would like it, so I clicked on the tab on the lower right hand corner to see who was currently online.
There were probably about 10 people. One of them was her.
As in my ex, previous, former best friend, of who I had just posted a quote that I loved, from a blog I'd written about our failed friendship, months and months ago.
I sort of smiled, thinking of the odd coincidence that she would also be online at this exact moment.
Not even a long moment later, I noticed that I had a red number 2, highlighted at the top of my notifications tab on the top left side.
I immediately thought: "that was quick. Must be someone referring to my status update."
After all, that was the only change to my page I had recently posted.
As I clicked on the tab to see who had done what, I almost froze. SHE had made a comment on my status, and also "like"-d it.
As I quickly clicked onto my status to read her comment, I had a weird half-smile on my face; I couldn't believe the absolute ridiculousness of it all.
Her comment went along the lines of "Yes, it's all part of life's lessons..."
I sat there, absolutely stunned about the events that had just progressed in the last 2 minutes. And yes it was only 2 minutes. I had posted a status, (the background text said "2 minutes ago") and her comment on it had followed so quickly afterwards ("posted 1 minute ago" - said the background text).
I had posted a quote that I absolutely loved. From a post about her and I, from my blog. About our failed friendship. The conclusion of that post had been that I was happy where we were in our lives, and I had no intention whatsoever of pursuing a friendship with her again, as I'd realised we'd had our time together, and now we were going our separate ways. Like that often circulating email: reason, season, lifetime. I can never work out the difference between reason and season friends, but she was a reason-er/season-er to me.
Or so I thought.
And out of all the friends on facebook, the one person who immediately commented and "liked" my status, was her! Un-freaking-believable, the whole irony of it!
I had to let Hubbie know, and he read over my shoulder as I filled him in on what had just gone down.
So I was left with two questions, two scenarios.
Was this the Universe's way of freaking messing with me? Well no, this wasn't one of my questions, but the thought did cross my mind. My question actually was: was this the Universe's way of telling me to not give up? Was it telling me that our friendship was not over, not done, the story of our lives had not yet reached it's conclusion? I couldn't help but ponder all this, especially since I found the incident so remarkable that it couldn't possibly be put down to just 'coincidence.' Some wild coincidence I say!
Or, was it something else? Had I attracted her response, in line with The Secret philosophies that I so strongly live by now? I had been reading the post I'd written about our friendship during the day. I absolutely LOVED the quote I'd written at the end of it. I'd spent all day thinking about it as my facebook status, and then spent a good portion of that night excitedly telling Hubbie about it. Had I inadvertently attracted this situation, and her response, to me?
I thought for a bit, and then did the only thing I thought was right to do. Test it. I didn't really care what would happen, so the outcome would only tell me which of my theories was correct, with no love lost.
So I wrote on her facebook page, just a general comment like "how have you been anyway? a very very belated happy birthday, looks like you had fun!" (in reference to birthday photos she'd recently put up.
She responded quickly again, saying it had been a great night and asking how I was. I chose the opportunity to do what I'd never thought I'd do again:
"yeah things are pretty good. (-insert talk about being sick as a dog, blah, blah, blah-) Maybe we should have that catch up we spoke about last time, when things calm down a bit. Take care:)"
I did it. I never, ever, EVER thought I would initiate any sort of contact with her again. Not that I hated her. It wasn't like that. I was just over the whole angst of all the years of "oh how sad our friendship has come to an end" bullshit I'd grown so accustomed to. The liberation of knowing it was just meant to be helped me to look forward and not worry about all that anymore. Our friendship was meant to end. I think....
Look, I'm not being hopeful or anything. I don't really care, honestly. I have no need for her. I'm just curious. And playing a game with the Universe to see what will conspire.
She hasn't messaged back to my comment. Either she hasn't seen it, or she is thinking about it. Or, she may just ignore it. And in that case I will know it was just a random coincidental incident that occurred, that I had freakily attracted her response due to my mad excitement about the quote in the first place.
But if she responds, and positively......Well that will make me think. I'll have to really think. And ask myself if I'm ready to go down this path and allow her into my life, when I have such fantastic friends already. I just don't know if I want to do that.
And if we by some odd, weird, peculiar and random chance end up friends again.... .well I'll just be flabbergasted I think. I'll need to start circulating an email of my own, with an extra addition to the reason, season, lifetime friends......
The Lightning Friend.
You have a lightning friend when you are close for a long period of time, and then, for no apparent, clear reason at all, due to no wrongdoing on anyone's part, your friendship ends. It may be that your friend goes away. You may simply just grow apart. You may both just need time to yourselves, so that you can breathe on your own and become your own person, in your own separate times.
And then, when you least expect it, often when you believe your friendship is over and dead to you, it will return. It will happen in the most unlikely and unexpected manner; but believe it, it is real, it is true.
However, be aware: this form of friendship is quite rare, thus the name, The Lightning Friend. Once this person enters your life again, it is a significant moment: the friendship should be cherished, preserved, and not taken advantage of.
Because lightning rarely strikes twice.
LOL.
It all started yesterday. Yesterday with my 'sick' blog (so to speak).
After posting that blog, still suffering from my cold/flu/possessed body symptoms, I couldn't really motivate myself to get back to work. It was tooooooo hard. So I started randomly reading some of my old posts. I just started clicking, and one click led to another; soon I was reading one of my earliest posts about a close friendship I'd had that had failed, and how after a meeting with her 10 years after the fact, I had come to the realisation that we were just destined to grow apart; and I was ok with this. I could move on.
The post in question: When I was 14, I was right - Part 2 (The Elephant in the Room)
I had been really enjoying reading all my posts. Laughing a bit, and getting caught up in all the stuff that had happened in my life over the past year. I was happy with my chronicling, and proud that I actually enjoyed my OWN work. So you can imagine how I must have felt when reaching the end of that current post, I read the last few lines and smiled with such contentment:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.'
I absolutely fell in love with this sentence. I was so proud that a quote, filled with such meaning, poignanty and realism, had come from ME. My mind, my creativity. I was so rapt in the moment, I immediately decided that that night I would make my facebook status that quote, minus the "I'll find out..." last line.
Although those lines were specific to that particular post, the encompassing meaning of life that rang through it made me think that it would be perfect as a facebook status, because often in life, we as humans come across situations that do test us, with unexpected things thrown our way.
I was telling Hubbie about it that night as we got ready to eat, and then I showed him the quote online. I was so excited about this quote, more for the fact that I loved the surprising nature of its meaning, rather than WHY I had written it in the first place.
So when I finally logged onto facebook, I copied and pasted into my status section:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along.'
I pasted it, and self-indulgently read it a few more times.
I was wondering if and when any of my facebook friends would see it and whether they would like it, so I clicked on the tab on the lower right hand corner to see who was currently online.
There were probably about 10 people. One of them was her.
As in my ex, previous, former best friend, of who I had just posted a quote that I loved, from a blog I'd written about our failed friendship, months and months ago.
I sort of smiled, thinking of the odd coincidence that she would also be online at this exact moment.
Not even a long moment later, I noticed that I had a red number 2, highlighted at the top of my notifications tab on the top left side.
I immediately thought: "that was quick. Must be someone referring to my status update."
After all, that was the only change to my page I had recently posted.
As I clicked on the tab to see who had done what, I almost froze. SHE had made a comment on my status, and also "like"-d it.
As I quickly clicked onto my status to read her comment, I had a weird half-smile on my face; I couldn't believe the absolute ridiculousness of it all.
Her comment went along the lines of "Yes, it's all part of life's lessons..."
I sat there, absolutely stunned about the events that had just progressed in the last 2 minutes. And yes it was only 2 minutes. I had posted a status, (the background text said "2 minutes ago") and her comment on it had followed so quickly afterwards ("posted 1 minute ago" - said the background text).
I had posted a quote that I absolutely loved. From a post about her and I, from my blog. About our failed friendship. The conclusion of that post had been that I was happy where we were in our lives, and I had no intention whatsoever of pursuing a friendship with her again, as I'd realised we'd had our time together, and now we were going our separate ways. Like that often circulating email: reason, season, lifetime. I can never work out the difference between reason and season friends, but she was a reason-er/season-er to me.
Or so I thought.
And out of all the friends on facebook, the one person who immediately commented and "liked" my status, was her! Un-freaking-believable, the whole irony of it!
I had to let Hubbie know, and he read over my shoulder as I filled him in on what had just gone down.
So I was left with two questions, two scenarios.
Was this the Universe's way of freaking messing with me? Well no, this wasn't one of my questions, but the thought did cross my mind. My question actually was: was this the Universe's way of telling me to not give up? Was it telling me that our friendship was not over, not done, the story of our lives had not yet reached it's conclusion? I couldn't help but ponder all this, especially since I found the incident so remarkable that it couldn't possibly be put down to just 'coincidence.' Some wild coincidence I say!
Or, was it something else? Had I attracted her response, in line with The Secret philosophies that I so strongly live by now? I had been reading the post I'd written about our friendship during the day. I absolutely LOVED the quote I'd written at the end of it. I'd spent all day thinking about it as my facebook status, and then spent a good portion of that night excitedly telling Hubbie about it. Had I inadvertently attracted this situation, and her response, to me?
I thought for a bit, and then did the only thing I thought was right to do. Test it. I didn't really care what would happen, so the outcome would only tell me which of my theories was correct, with no love lost.
So I wrote on her facebook page, just a general comment like "how have you been anyway? a very very belated happy birthday, looks like you had fun!" (in reference to birthday photos she'd recently put up.
She responded quickly again, saying it had been a great night and asking how I was. I chose the opportunity to do what I'd never thought I'd do again:
"yeah things are pretty good. (-insert talk about being sick as a dog, blah, blah, blah-) Maybe we should have that catch up we spoke about last time, when things calm down a bit. Take care:)"
I did it. I never, ever, EVER thought I would initiate any sort of contact with her again. Not that I hated her. It wasn't like that. I was just over the whole angst of all the years of "oh how sad our friendship has come to an end" bullshit I'd grown so accustomed to. The liberation of knowing it was just meant to be helped me to look forward and not worry about all that anymore. Our friendship was meant to end. I think....
Look, I'm not being hopeful or anything. I don't really care, honestly. I have no need for her. I'm just curious. And playing a game with the Universe to see what will conspire.
She hasn't messaged back to my comment. Either she hasn't seen it, or she is thinking about it. Or, she may just ignore it. And in that case I will know it was just a random coincidental incident that occurred, that I had freakily attracted her response due to my mad excitement about the quote in the first place.
But if she responds, and positively......Well that will make me think. I'll have to really think. And ask myself if I'm ready to go down this path and allow her into my life, when I have such fantastic friends already. I just don't know if I want to do that.
And if we by some odd, weird, peculiar and random chance end up friends again.... .well I'll just be flabbergasted I think. I'll need to start circulating an email of my own, with an extra addition to the reason, season, lifetime friends......
The Lightning Friend.
You have a lightning friend when you are close for a long period of time, and then, for no apparent, clear reason at all, due to no wrongdoing on anyone's part, your friendship ends. It may be that your friend goes away. You may simply just grow apart. You may both just need time to yourselves, so that you can breathe on your own and become your own person, in your own separate times.
And then, when you least expect it, often when you believe your friendship is over and dead to you, it will return. It will happen in the most unlikely and unexpected manner; but believe it, it is real, it is true.
However, be aware: this form of friendship is quite rare, thus the name, The Lightning Friend. Once this person enters your life again, it is a significant moment: the friendship should be cherished, preserved, and not taken advantage of.
Because lightning rarely strikes twice.
LOL.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fake Chicken makes me tired and my stomach bloated
Yes these are my sentiments hours after I''ve finished my bought-lunch at work. I should have known better: I was eyeing off that meat in the Thai Chicken sandwich, and I REALLY should have known better than to trust the guy behind the counter. Of COURSE he was going to praise it and say it was the best sandwich since sliced bread was invented. Oh well.
Perhaps it doesn't help that today is a 43 degree day, and every time I step out to have a break from work, I come back in minutes later feeling even MORE tired and deflated, as if the weekend's heat, busy-ness and lack of sleep wasn't enough on it's own.
In reference to some of the stuff I mentioned in my last blogs......
Well on Saturday my bestie Red ended up coming over, just a spur of the moment thing. It was nice and I guess showed me what I needed to see and feel, which is that she cares, irregardless of where she spent her New Years Eve. And there was no mention of her boy being upset at anything I may have said (!) so that was good.
Saw my extended family yesterday, inclusive of talk-too-much cousin AND Legs, closely followed by Fake, as always. It was deflating for me once again to see them together, knowing that everything I've done for Legs over the years, with all the help, assistance and guidance I've provided in all aspects of her life, not to mention the fun and adventures we've had, is overthrown by a meddling cousin who only wants to be her bridesmaid in order to get closer to her fiance/family/every male relative she has.
So, I felt a bit sad, but I take comfort in one thing my mum said, something I truly believe in: the truth will come out in the end. If a person has bad intentions, there is no need to become "justice" and lay the law down on them. The Universe will do that for itself.
I've trusted in the Universe before and it has not failed me. So I need to stay focused and just let things unravel in their own time.
Back to work.
Perhaps it doesn't help that today is a 43 degree day, and every time I step out to have a break from work, I come back in minutes later feeling even MORE tired and deflated, as if the weekend's heat, busy-ness and lack of sleep wasn't enough on it's own.
In reference to some of the stuff I mentioned in my last blogs......
Well on Saturday my bestie Red ended up coming over, just a spur of the moment thing. It was nice and I guess showed me what I needed to see and feel, which is that she cares, irregardless of where she spent her New Years Eve. And there was no mention of her boy being upset at anything I may have said (!) so that was good.
Saw my extended family yesterday, inclusive of talk-too-much cousin AND Legs, closely followed by Fake, as always. It was deflating for me once again to see them together, knowing that everything I've done for Legs over the years, with all the help, assistance and guidance I've provided in all aspects of her life, not to mention the fun and adventures we've had, is overthrown by a meddling cousin who only wants to be her bridesmaid in order to get closer to her fiance/family/every male relative she has.
So, I felt a bit sad, but I take comfort in one thing my mum said, something I truly believe in: the truth will come out in the end. If a person has bad intentions, there is no need to become "justice" and lay the law down on them. The Universe will do that for itself.
I've trusted in the Universe before and it has not failed me. So I need to stay focused and just let things unravel in their own time.
Back to work.
Friday, January 8, 2010
My ANGER Management - Part 2
Episode 3. One of the things I mentioned a few blogs ago, was the non-invite we received. This came (or should I say didn't come) from my bestie's boyfriend. Let's call her Red, and him, Wine.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
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