My continual – no, my CONTINUOUS obsession with the man formerly known as Zack Morris

In writing my story, I’ve been very obsessed over the correct use of words of late, (of course, I AM a writer): using the correct tense, grammar… I do want it to be perfect when I send it to publishers. And one of my recent obsessions was over the use of the terms continual and continuous.




Continual suggests something ongoing with interruptions over a long period of time, whereas continuous means a long duration without interruption.



Now that I’ve given you my prologue, back to my main point. I don’t know if I’ve written about this before in my 140 + posts; as you can imagine it’s hard to keep track when you get to that number.



I don’t even know exactly how many posts I’ve done – just guessing from my work email over here (:))



But about a half hour ago I finished watching a TV movie, called The Princess and the Marine. And I was very pleasantly surprised to find Mark Paul Gosselaar, and his name, come up first in the opening credits.



My fascination and love for Zack (sigh) began in a galaxy, far, far away… hold on wrong story. My fascination with Zack began, let’s count… shit about 20 years ago. Does that show my age? No, I believe it was 18 years ago.



Running home from school and eating in front of the TV was an everyday ritual for me, and when I discovered a new after-school show at 4pm, called Saved by the Bell, I was well and truly SOLD. I loved it. I loved the characters, the storylines. I loved the friendships, the sometimes serious, yet eventually light-hearted way they solved their problems. I thought Jessie was funny. I thought it’d be great to have a wardrobe like Lisa’s. I thought A.C Slater was cute. I thought Screech was goofy and weird. I wanted to BE Kelly Kapowski – so gorgeous, friendly and loved by everyone. And I wanted to be with Zack Morris.



Sorry, again. I wanted to BE with Zack Morris.



Sigh. I’m getting all giddy just thinking about it.



And so started my fascination. It wasn’t just a cute, dote-on-him crush thing: it was something FAR more than that.



Up until that point I had liked a couple of guys at school (yes I started young) – not that anything actually happened. But I did notice the opposite sex IN THAT WAY, when I was the ripe young age of 5. So by about 10, when I started to obsess over SBTB (that’s how us old-school 80s kids speak, you know?) I wasn’t new to the whole crush thing. Even so, Zack Morris became, from that moment on, my staple, my benchmark, say it my dream, of THE perfect guy.



I swear. It wasn’t a really conscious thing, but I found myself being drawn to those kinds of characters in my life, for years to come. And I still am. Whether they were in the media (like Pacey from Dawson’s, I LOVE Pacey from Dawson’s) or guys from school, and eventually, ahem, like my HUSBAND (!) Zack Morris’ character made a huge impact on what I wanted in a mate.



Maybe it was the cheeky humour. The outrageous confidence. The prankster qualities that always got him into trouble. His boyish good looks (well that definitely helped, thank you Mark  ). Maybe it was how he was a ladies man – we all know as women that we love a challenge, we want to tame that wild boy. Or maybe it was his undying loyalty to his one and only first love, Kelly.



***SPOILER ALERT!***



If you haven’t seen the very end of SBTB, and by end I mean AFTER they go off to Uni, you would be pleased to know that Zack and Kelly did FINALLY get married in a special TV movie. YAY! :-D



All is good in the world.



***SPOILER ALERT OVER – COMMENCE READING***



Over the years, as SBTB dropped off the screens, I fell into infatuation with other boys, both on-screen and in real life. I guess I kind of forgot about Zack as other guys just took centre stage.



For example, two men I have repeatedly (other than my hubbie) spoken about here is David Boreanaz, and then more recently Bryan Greenberg. Well they are just hot aren’t they. You can’t deny it. David is older now, yes, which means Bryan has taken centre stage in the number 1 spot, clearly going by the looks category. And over the years that I’ve seen MPG in TV movies and other series, I’ve thought to myself “eh, you looked better.”



Beat me up, I know. I’m being a bit cruel. But he was just so cute and adorable. And then he turned into a man. And sometimes the man, doesn’t live up to the boy. I still appreciated him, and I completely recognised that he was just older. Hey, we’re all gonna get older, so will I, and although I hope like hell I’m hot at 40, I’m sure I still won’t look the way I did when I was 16.



BUT!



But. The TV movie I just saw, the princess marine one? (Well he’s not a princess marine but you know what I mean)



I started off like “right, yep, Mark is pretty good looking here, yep.”



The movie was shot in 2001, so a while ago. Still, he looked good.



And then I let myself start watching it and get sucked in.



I swear, Mark was BORN for these kinds of roles. Maybe it’s because he is really like that. And if he is there is a serious problem here… it means he’s even more perfect than I previously thought. He’s a marine in the movie, on duty in Bahrain, a Muslim country, when he falls in love with a Muslim girl there, and she for him. But she’s not just a girl, you see, she’s a princess.



And there’s the catch:)



It was a great movie. Watching Mark (Jason Johnson) jump hurdles and get into all kinds of illegal behaviour just so he and his future bride could escape to the U.S (yes bride, he proposed in a shopping centre – it was actually very sweet and romantic!) made me tingle in nice ways all over. That devoted, loyal, loving “I’ll do anything for you” look in his eyes was there, and I found myself going back to that 10 year old girl I used to know… and I melted. And as I watched, he grew more, and more, and MORE attractive.



Sigh.



This movie was actually based on a true story. This story did happen in real life – unfortunately, the real life princess and the marine ended up divorcing in 2004, I think. (I almost wish I didn’t find that on IMDB – it’s slightly ruining my Mark-story images right now).



But I just couldn’t help thinking. I couldn’t help getting excited over Zack Morris all over again.



It made me realise. My love for him never stopped; it was never interrupted. It was always there in the background, waiting to be re-discovered, again and again, like an old friend you haven’t seen in years, or the house you grew up in, where you hold all your life-changing and cherished memories. It’ll always go back to Zack. No matter what his age, or whether he’s doing movies or not, it’ll always be him. Because it started with him, and it’s because of him, that I fell in love with the hilarious, gorgeous, friendly, very silly, and completely loyal and dedicated (and very cheeky) man that is my husband.



So for that Zack, I thank you. You are the constant in my life. YOU are continuous…

My Journey Down October Road

I must officially proclaim: I am totally, madly, passionately and obsessively in love with the show October Road.

And now, only 4 episodes (yes 3!) away from the end of the series finale, about to enter into the world of no more October Road forever, I am already in the midst of anticipatory depression.

***Anticipatory depression: When you are already depressed at the prospect of your future depression, i.e., due to a foreseeable event, weather misalignment or greatest-show-on-earth ending event.***

I have found myself so absorbed and enthralled by all the goings-on, characters and story development occurring in the fictional town of Knights Ridge. When I finish watching an episode, I have the episode going around and around in my head, and I can't stop myself from wondering what will happen next. I'm compulsively drawn in, and genuinely love all the characters and the information and back-story continuing to be revealed via them.

I catch myself in a cycle of October Road-endedness, and ask myself, "how the hell did they make such awesome characters? How can I create awesome characters like that for my book?"

And so on and on it goes.

I watched the first season last year, and only now is the 2nd season being shown on tv. Sadly for me, there are only 2 seasons that were ever made, and adding further devastation to my anticipatory depression is the fact that they were half-ass seasons, as in the first season ran 6 episodes (I know!) and the 2nd ran 13. Could they at least have made one full 22 ep season, just to ease my pain, if only a little? Oh, the agony of it!

I feel so miserable about the end of it all. There is an irony, in that although I can't wait to watch all the episodes, another part of me is trying to hold it off, knowing that once I reach the end, there is no more October Road. NO MORE. Ugh. Anticipatory depression kicking into 3rd gear now.

Here are the reasons why I am in love with this magnificent show:

1. Bryan Greenberg. Ahem. Need I say more? Actually I will.
I told Hubbie that Bryan had now taken over David Boreanaz's spot as the most attractive actor in my opinion EVER, and he looked over at me like I had rocks in my head. He said "are you ok?" See, Hubbie always approved of and agreed with my obsession with Angel (sorry David), and so this has thrown him slightly. LOL, I tell him to be flattered, since I think Bryan holds a close resemblance to Hubbie. But anyway.
Yes, Angel, the all-time most gorgeous man alive, has stepped down to number 2. I don't know if it's Bryan's subtle gestures, good guy persona, the guy-that-got-away role that he plays, or if it's just his freaking gorgeous looks, but he is irresistible. Phew. I better move on.

2. The set-up. There's something about these sleepy little town stories that appeal to me. Set in the fictional town of Knights Ridge, when watching I'm often reminded of Dawson's Creek, another of my fave shows. The knowledge of a little town, where everyone knows everyone, nothing is really secret, yet at the same time there is plenty of room for inter-mingling, rendezvous and whispers is greatly appealing to me. Maybe I find the small town concept appealing because it seems more real to me, more so than big-city stories.
Also, the fact that Bryan's character, Nick Garrett (ahhhhhhh:)) has come back to town after being absent for 10 years, provides a FANTASTIC back-drop for all sorts of shit to happen on his return. And boy does it happen. It shows that you can run away from home, but be sure the same issues will be waiting for you when you get back, no matter how much time has passed.

3. The symmetry. LOL. This occurred to me only last week. So, I started watching this late last year, when thoughts of writing started to enter into my head again. As I've continued to watch, simultaneously becoming more determined and motivated with my story and book ideas, I've realised how much I loved the premise of the story: Nick returns to Knights Ridge, 10 years after leaving his hometown following the end of high school, in the meantime having become a best-selling author.
Now I, have dreams of becoming a best-selling author myself, with the goal of finishing my first book by years end. And what do you know? My 10 year high school reunion is coming up at the end of the year:)
You know what, Nick and I just have so much in common, LOLOL:) Granted, I haven't deserted my family and friends and written about them in a round-a-bout way, but something about the likeliness of it all, makes me think I was meant to discover this show, 4 years after its initial release. The characters being of the same generation too, encourages more of a kinship, a relatedness that makes me UNDERSTAND the characters and feel where they're coming from. Who am I kidding, they just simply rock. :)

And that's the other thing. It inspires me soooo much. I can't tell you how many nights I've gone to bed, my head spinning with what I've just watched, and also wondering how I can emulate that strong obsession with the characters and the storyline so that I can have readers out there reading my material, saying to themselves "Oh my gosh, I love this!"

Ahhhhhhh.

This show is powerful I tell ya. It has spoken to me in a strong way. Angel has been kicked off the hottest guy throne (sorry David) to be replaced by dreamy Bryan, and now, October Road is in my list of most fave shows ever. In my list, meaning it holds first place with other tv series of same and differing genre/s.

Having just gone on my obsessive rant, I do realise I haven't yet watched the end of it all, and there is the slight chance that I may be disappointed by what eventuates. I mean, who's to say that everything will unfold as intended and that I'll get my happily ever after? I do see strings of realism dropped into the episodes, a la Angel, so I do fear the worst at times. But having said that, I love Angel, and that was a show that utterly shook me to my core when it ended, with the most incomplete ending you can imagine (with an intended, meaningful incomplete ending of course, before the Angel fans out there kill me) so I highly doubt that October Road will do anything like that....... right?

In the words of Mutant Enemy... "Grrrrr, Argh." I can't take it anymore. I'm going to spontaneously combust over October Road!!!!

The Surprise in Me

Have you ever wondered to yourself, if you belong here?


I guess the answer to that might be along the lines of, "what do you define as 'here'?"


These funny thoughts of mine came as a result of Friday night. In the midst of my work marathon (BTW, 8-2 today!) I went out for some work drinks as part of a catch up we had organised with a former work colleague who is recently back in the country. I know, I know, I said my weekend would be void of any drinking, but in defence, I had ONE drink, over the space of 2 hours, and I didn't really enjoy myself. Hence this post.


I was there with only 2 other work people, not including the 'special guest' of the evening being our former work pal, and it was a mildly ok night. However by the end of it, driving home, there was just one continuous thought that could not escape my mind. I don't belong there.


When I first started work at my current employer, the change hit me like a tonne of bricks. I really felt the difference, and I mainly attributed it to ethnic background. All the employers I'd previously worked for had some sort of distinguishable ethnic/cultural background, of which I could easily relate to, due to my own ethnic background. By distinguishable, I mean having a second language, or perhaps living as a second generation Australian, where you still partake in and are an somewhat active participant when it comes to events derived from your parents cultural roots.


And without stereotyping, these sort of people, of who I am clearly a part of, well we are different to the 'others.' We are actively interested in each others lives, we are considerate, and of course the obvious, we have very similar upbringings, having more often than not lived with our parents until marriage, having large families, and a HUGE circle of friends.


Most of the people that work here, are mainly without any cultural associations or have any close ancestral roots. They don't think much of religion, family, and live a fairly wild life. Although I myself am not a preacher, I still firmly believe in a certain kind of religion, and so I have Faith. And at the same time I am a very open believer. I like to see the way different people live, I am open to new things, and I definitely do not judge others. So, although the change was definitely felt, I didn't neccessarily have a freak out about my new surroundings.


It was a very hard first few months. You could even say a hard first year. I found it hard to fit in amongst the very clique-y groups. No one really made an effort with me. I was more used to being babied and catered to when it came to new surroundings. But here I realised that wasn't going to happen. If you didn't talk about your weekend, no one was going to ask. If you didn't try and make friends, no one was going to go out of their way to say hello to you. It was a very fend-for-yourself environment. I am not naturally the loudest person, especially in new situations. And although I'd been building my self-esteem and confidence throughout the years following uni, I still had a long way to go, especially when confronted with what was at work.


However, in time, things sort of fell into place. I think it was both parties coming together at once: I became a bit more foward, and others became a bit more considerate. And I started to realise that the people around here were really pretty good. And they were a lot like me, just trying to get by day to day, fit in, yet have fun. We may all be from different places, but essentially, we all have the same kind of story.


When I'm talking one-on-one with one of my work colleagues, or even if there's a group of us, it's really quite good. We talk, have fun, joke and muck around. As is normal in small teams/departments, you get to really know one other and start to develop your own inside jokes. I really do enjoy the job, I enjoy them, and there are days when something that has been bothering me in my personal non-related work life, just fades away when I'm at work, because things are so easy.


Despite all this, I've noticed more often than not, that when we are all in a social situation, such as having after work drinks, or a colleagues birthday party, that I see the many differences between us all too easily. Perhaps I should re-phrase that. I see all the differences between me and them, all too easily. I used to think that it was just me, and that I needed to speak up more, be more interactive with the group. But knowing how much more confident I am in the workplace now, I really don't believe that to be the case. It's just a case of personality difference.


Either they will bring up a music group, or a song I don't know of. They'll talk about a party they went to, where they had soooooo much fun. A party that I didn't go to, but not because I hadn't been invited; I just didn't feel comfortable, what with their bonging, and smoking behaviour. They'll talk about past friends, past parties. They talk about future gatherings, seedy pubs and bars where they hang out. I know the picture I'm painting of them isn't the nicest, but I did say wild.


And meanwhile I just sit there, smiling, nodding, trying to think of something to say, when I really can't contribute ANYTHING. Because what can I say when I don't like/are a part of/have experienced anything they are saying???

Then when they do start talking about something I can contribute to, by that stage I'm seriously over it. I've started to invert into my shell, I just smile, and nod, and laugh at regular intervals, but I really just want to go home. Which I do end up doing sooner rather than later. I know that they don't do it on purpose, they don't deliberately shut me out. They are just speaking, as a group, so therefore they share their group likes and interests.


So it ends up being a me:them thing. I feel so out of place, so not in my zone, that I can't help being sad. There is nothing I can do, and there is nothing to do, because it's just them being them, and me being me. We're all just being ourselves, which is the most frustrating thing of all.


And it's not that I necessarily hate the difference of interests/likes, the comparison of lifestyles. What I hate is that when they become them, I turn into myself, and go backwards. Instead of opening up and being sure of myself, I become just the opposite. Shy, insecure and nervous. And the fact that they are viewing me as that, well, to them I become that. To them I become shy, insecure and nervous. But I'm not that. To be perceived in that way, is the hardest thing.


I hate it.


And I think that's one of the reasons why I love surprising people so much when it comes to my personality. They think they know me, and BANG!..... they don't.


One of my all-time favourite compliments, is when someone says to me or to someone else "What? Miss S did/said that?"


I love it:)


My earliest memory of ever such a thing, was when I was 16. I had decided during the summer, inspired by Dawson Leery of His-name Creek fame, that I was going to make a documentary of my friends and I over the summer. It was going to be about the transitional period of our lives at that moment, what with growing up, merging into V.C.E, and starting to make future choices for ourselves. It was also going to be biographical, in discovering all of our likes, dislikes, catfights, objects of affection, and most importantly, our friendships with one another.

One thing I did, was when we were in a group environment one day, I got everyone to speak about one person, one of the girls in our group, so that not only we could share our experiences about that person, but so that the person would also get a sense of what they meant to us and how they were perceived. It was perhaps one of the most fun, enlightening and heart-warming things we ever did as a group, as every person that day went home feeling light, happy and loved. I remember my bit, obviously because I edited it old-school way but also because I have it on VCR (!), but my friends cried out "hey! we need to do it on Miss S!"


And so it began, they started listing all my qualities, personality traits. And one of the girls there, said "Miss S is mysterious. You think you know her and then she goes and does something totally unexpected!" They all agreed, talking about times when they'd heard I'd done or said something, the surprising news always ending with "What? Miss S did that??!!"

My best friend, Red, said then "Yes, but that's what she loves. She wants to be mysterious."

Ahhh yes. And that's why Red is still my best friend.


I've never forgotten that moment. Just a fleeting, passing conversation, but it has always stuck in my head. It struck a chord with me, because it was the moment that I myself realised, that what my other friend had said then was true. I was mysterious. And as Red had added, I liked it.


Funnily enough, the friend who actually brought it up, well we're not friends anymore, we had a falling out soon after. But she will always have this weird, unexplained place in my heart, because of what she said. It remains one of my most favourite compliments ever.


And similarly, only a week ago, I had a stressed out work moment. I was working on something, and once I had almost finished I realised that my initial calculations about my project were wrong. It was the end of the day, I had wanted to finish more work, but now all I wanted to do was go home. And I was going to go home unhappy because I hadn't achieved what I'd wanted to for the day. Well, I decided to look at it fresh the next day, but not before leaving a passing goodbye for the wretched thing. I left a comment along the lines of "F*#^ing giving up!"


The next day when I came in, my overnight suspicions had come true: my boss had seen my comment. Luckily enough she was cruisy about it, we had a laugh, and after I assured her that no, I didn't need anyone else to finish it, I just needed the overnight break, I went on with my work. When I spoke about the funny incident to a work colleague, she was laughing, saying that our boss had actually brought it up with her, and had made the comment "Miss S wrote this! I couldn't believe it when I saw it!"


We laughed some more, but even later on I had a small smile that played on my lips, as I realised my great joy at having someone be surprised by my actions. Knowing that they didn't know me as much as they think they did, and therefore, I wasn't the person, the shy, insecure and nervous person that they thought I was, brought me great satisfaction.


And that's what it comes down to I think. Yes, I like portraying myself as a mysterious person. For a fact, I know that people can't get to know me, until I let them. When I'm with MY people, I am Miss S. Confident, talkative, friendly, funny and cheeky all in one. But when I'm not in my zone, I feel out of place, and that's when unfortunately, I revert to bad habits. I become who I'm not, and when others perceive me as something that I definitely am not, that's when it hurts. Because I'm so much more than the protective outer shell I put on display.


So when people who think they know me, discover a crack in my hard case, and suddenly a bright shining light filters through, they get a glimpse of who I am...... and that's when I get happy.


I want to be seen as me. As the true shining person I am.


As essentially, basically and deeply,

as naturally, magnificently and truly,

as only,

always, Miss S.