I like Anonymity

I've just been on Blogger for the past short while, clicking and clicking on the 'Next Blog' button, hoping against hope that I will come across a blog like my own. Sure, there are some awesome blogs I follow that are about both random things and life experiences, much like my own. But I want to find more. I want to see if there is anyone actually like-minded out there, like me. Anyone who is fascinated by people and their behaviours. Anyone who is curious about life, searching for the hidden meanings. Anyone striving for excellence, aiming to achieve their dreams. Someone like moi.

But alas, no. Every single time I hit 'Next Blog' I come across either an all-Spanish blog or a parenting, child-focused blog. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Spaniards nor parents and their kids. However, I can't exactly read Spanish, so if I happened to stumble across the best Spanish blog since churros were invented, I would have absolutely no chance of knowing it. As for all the parent/kiddy blogs out there, again, nothing against you. Hey, when I have kids, I have no doubt I'll start up a whole new blog about my new world of parenting exploits and child-rearing revelations. And as I've mentioned in other posts, I do love kids. However I don't want to hear about them EVERY-SINGLE-DAY. I have my my sister-in-law for that.

No kidding, this isn't the first time I've come across so many blogs about Spaniards and parents. It seems that the world of Blogger is FILLED with them.
I guess that's what you expect: I don't have many followers (um, at last count, let me think...... 1? LOL. Thank you Margaret:))
Followers=Blogs you read.
I'm sure some would disagree with me. I think it's like a case of the Chicken vs the Egg scenario, and what came first. Let me explain.

In my blog-world, it goes like this: the Followers are the 'Chicken.' The subsequent blogs YOU follow, are the 'Egg.' It follows (LOL) that Followers that add themselves to your page, create more blogs for you to view and admire.

You see a new follower > "Oooooh goody!" > "Hmmm, let me check out this blog" > "Oooooh this blog is cool"> "I think I will follow that blog."

Yes that's the actual cycle people, that's how it goes. Verbatim ;P
And yes, I DO believe the chicken came first. It then evolved over time and created the egg. My theory anyway.

So, the fact that I have one follower, means I myself follow very few blogs. Thus far. I'm sure there is someone out there who can contest this theory of mine, but I have no business arguing with a blogger who has 10,000 followers but follows none only because their blogging experience is akin to having the most friends on facebook. 'Nuff said. So don't go there. I'm talking genuine bloggers with genuine sincerity in blogging.

Hey, no pity, please. I actually don't mind it. I like the anonymity. It means that I can continue to bitch and moan about people who shit me in my life, without ever worrying that someone out there will realise who I am. I didn't the create the oh-so-not-really-original-but-if-you-knew-me-you'd-know-where-it-came-from pseudonym of Miss S for nothing. If anyone out there who knows me stumbles across my blog, they wouldn't have any idea it was me blogging. Not even my little teeny photo reveals much :) (Making sense now, huh???)

I like blogging. I consider it like my own personal diary. And as I've long since stopped writing in my diary, (1. because when I write I go on forever and my hand hurts, and
2.typing is much quicker and less time consuming, and
3.I can do it at work!)
this is my only other avenue to explore the things in my head, my life, my world.

So I'm cool with it. Having less followers means I can continue being me, and not worrying about the potential repercussions of someone I know possibly coming across my blog. (That's not to say I don't want followers, I can deal with that, honestly I can!) Seriously though, the only person who even knows I blog is Hubbie, and he's never even read ANY of my posts (maybe better that for now) because he seriously, is not much of a reader. My family don't know. My sister. My besties. My work buddies. My cousins. EVERYONE and ANYONE who knows me is totally clueless to my random ramblings about me and them and everything in my life. He he. If you read my other posts, you'll KNOW that NO ONE in my personal life knows I blog :)

I guess I'm just saying I'm happy where I am right now, exploring everything about my life as I continue my quest to achieving my dreams of writing and wedding video creating.
Speaking of. I was saying to Hubbie last night, as I drove, high on one alcoholic drink, (don't drink-drive people)  from his sisters to my sisters place.
Me: "Writing is the best kind of fame....."
Hubbie : (listening, probably wondering what random shit would come out of my mouth now)
Me: "....because you are FAMOUS, but only the people that read your books know about you. It's the best of both worlds. You live a normal life most of the time, and only your fans make you feel like a celebrity."
Hubbie: (nodding now, smiling. He does talk, it just so happens he was listening exceptionally well last night in the car)
Me: "That's what I'm gonna be. An Author. Australia's answer to Stephenie Meyer. Do you know who that is?"
Hubbie: "Who?" (finally, a word!)
Me: "Uhhhh, Twilight? Yes, thank you very much. Of course, being Australia's answer to her means I will be famous on a lesser scale, but I can still deal with that."

Ahhh dreams. Yes, not only do I dream psycho weird dreams when my eyes are closed at night, but I also dream during the day with my eyes wide awake. I think I will end with a T.E. Lawrence quote, one that I read AGES ago, but didn't remember and rediscover 'til just recently (it's a quote sort of month). It is quite appropriate given my musings about dreams, and also consequently fuels my desire to achieving my dreams even MORE if that's even possible.

“All men dream, but unequally. Those that dream at night in the dusty recesses of their minds awake the next day to find that their dreams were just vanity. But those who dream during the day with their eyes wide open are dangerous men; they act out their dreams to make them reality.” -T.E. Lawrence

Thank you Mr. Lawrence. Thank you.

My Baby Girl, Alana

I had a really weird dream waking up on Saturday.




(I know, I'm always having some sort of weird dream).



But this was quite odd, as that particular early morning when I heard Hubbie getting ready in the bedroom as he was getting ready to leave for work, I then fell asleep and had this trippy dream, only to wake up again as his car was departing.

So knowing his morning get-to-work routine, I'd had this dream within 10-15 minutes of being awake, falling asleep and waking up again.

Weeeiirrddddd.

The dream itself was a bit jumpy. Here's what I remember though.

- Being in a dimly-lit hospital room. Heavily pregnant, lying on a bed, with a midwife besides me. She says "One more push, and that's it." I tense and give one big push, and it seems the baby just POPS! out.

- Standing in front of a mirror, my midriff visible, admiring my flat stomach. Thinking 'this isn't so bad. See I just gave birth and my stomach is super flat.'

- Looking at an ultrasound photo of my baby girl. Thinking 'she looks like me when I was a baby.'

- Arriving home with the new addition. Looking at her and thinking 'my baby girl, Alana.'

- Remembering suddenly after being home for 24 hours that 'oh shit! I need to check on her! Does she need milk, a nappy change, anything?' Realising that I was gonna have to do this mother thing a bit differently, and focus a bit more on the new baby that was suddenly a part of our lives.

- Listening to Hubbie who was on his way to work (he was dressed for it) who had just checked up on our baby girl, recount how he felt looking at her: "she's so amazing! I could just look at her all day." Watching his face, how it lit up when he spoke of her, how his eyes shone with wonder and awe, his whole demeanour a picture of fascination and utter devotion.



When I woke up only minutes later, hearing Hubbie's car start up in the garage, I couldn't stop repeating the scenes of the dream in my head. You know when you've woken from a dream, and even though you know it was just a dream, you can't stop thinking of it and believing in it? I just kept thinking 'oh wow, our baby girl, Alana. What a unique name.' I kept thinking of how much love I had just developed, for this unplanned and unreal baby, that hadn't been in my consciousness for more than 20 minutes. Thinking of the love on Hubbie's face, the coinciding love that I too had felt, and the feelings of the dream just continued to overwhelm me. I couldn't stop thinking about it, however miraculously I was able to fall asleep again.



The dream itself and the subsequent emotions it produced in me are very out of the ordinary, as EVERY OTHER dream I've EVER had about being pregnant, or having a baby leads to both dream-feelings and after-dream-real-life-feelings of 'no, I'm not ready,' or 'no, I don't wanna do this' or 'I want this thing out of me but I don't wanna get it out, AHHH!'

Suffice to say that Hubbie and I are not yet in the middle of plans to extend the family. I have never despised children, but seeing as we both have sisters with children of their own, we have been first-hand witnesses to the struggles of raising them, and both the effort and commitment required to grow them up.

That combined with my open proclaimation that I am in a selfish phase (Hubbie likes to say we are simply 'enjoying' this phase of our marriage!), I want to be extra, extra, extra sure that I have certain things out of my system before we take the next big step. I need to be ready. Blonde tells me from her talks with mothers that you will never ever really be ready. Which is also quite scary if you think about being unprepared for the next step and having something growing inside of you. But I truly believe that I will feel something change in me, and I will know it is time.

However after this dream, I don't feel there needs to be much twisting of my arm, too much coaxing from Hubbie before we make the decision. When you feel the emotion of love, so true and so real in a dream, the feeling produced lasts long after the dream has ended. Like the fear brought about from a nightmare, so too does the feeling of love transfer into real life and extend long past days into weeks.

I guess I'm lucky, I have time on my side. We can't really do anything, seeing as our plan is first to build our house and move in and get settled before making any other big changes.

But, I can't lie, the dream has got my head ticking....ticking.....

Hubbie thinks Alana is an interesting name. I had to run the dream past him, of course :)



On an aside, it's also weird that I dreamt this, seeing as just recently I read and commented on a blog which I follow called "The Crymes Syndicate."

Margaret's post "The giraffe-necked baby was all in your head" recounts her dream of her unborn child, and it's a great read. You must check it out:



http://www.crymesyndicate.com/2010/08/giraffe-necked-baby-was-all-in-your.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheCrymesSyndicate+%28The+Crymes+Syndicate%29



And on an aside number 2, guess what one of the story highlights of the day are on todays My Daily News link?



"What should you eat to fall pregnant with a girl?"



Not. Joking.