1. Ensure that you are clean and fresh before embarking on your journey. Do not expect to be welcomed, smiled at or have any kind of civility directed towards you if you have the strong stench of B.O enveloping and following you wherever you go. That is just not cool man. Have a shower for freak's sake.
2. Do not talk loudly on the train, either to your pretend fun friend on the phone, or to the rest of your posse friends who you think actually like you, but are actually, just, tolerating you. You annoy the people listening to their ipods, as the shrill volume of your voice actually breaks all headphone barriers, (yes it does, you hyena) and for the others trying to read or sleep, well you bug the hell out of them. We don't want to know about how you can't eat salt and vinegar chips (really, I don't care whether they make your eyes water or not; they taste good, you soft, poor excuse for a being!) We want to other read about Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in peace, or escape to our fantasy world's and go to the far-away land of slumber, where snacks aren't the be-all and end-all of our existence. Shhh.
3. Do not invade the personal space of others. Do not brush up against them. Do not breathe down their neck as you try to read the book they have open before them. Don't spread out all your crap so that others have to do long jumps to get out of the train. If you don't know the other passengers, don't act like you share the same bed with them, otherwise you will be assumed a stalker, you creepy weirdo.
4. Do not stare. Didn't your mother teach you that? Oh sorry, I forgot you've never seen a women with boobs before. You come from another universe where only men and their penises exist.
And for the women, do not look up and down. Do you not have my bits?
Any starers can be expecting a slap, or a greasy at the least. Really.
By adhering to these rules you will be ensured a safe, happy and comfortable trip to your destination. Thank you for your time passengers. We look forward to you travelling with us next time (except for the dirty, loud, creepy oglers....)
Showing posts with label chips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chips. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Obnoxiously CHOMPing Chips
Yes, the above is TRULY possible.
Yesterday I had to take the train home from work, and although I thought I may have been running a little late in getting to the train station on time, I actually made it there closely approaching the 5:45pm arrival of my train.
And lo and behold, as I walked down the stairs to the platform, I saw the monitor, displaying a totally different train arriving, rather than my train.
I looked at my watch, and saw it was 5:45 on the D-O-T.
Not happy Jan.
So the train had arrived and left earlier than scheduled? That's not fair, that's like cheating! You can't have a train arrive and leave earlier than scheduled. Commuters plan their whole days around public transport, and if they miss their transport because it's left earlier, well..... GRRRR! NOT FAIR!
Yes they may leave late. That's allowed in public transport land. Just not too late. At least a late train means that commuters won't be in any danger of missing their travel appointments.
All this, plus extreme anger and frustration was what I was feeling, as I made my way to my regular spot along the platform to wait, for the next train, in 16 MINUTES.
And then 2 obnoxious nobs came along, chomping chips.
The first sign of their extreme obnoxiousness was the way they were eating their potato chips. I didn't turn to look at them, but from where they were beside me, I could hear the crunching, LOUD.
Then, Nob number 1 opened his mouth, and confirmed it all for me.
"There's so many people around, it's like a herd of cattle."
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
"Notice how everyone is like, in black?"
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
Only silence from his friend, as his friend was too busy CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP-ing too.
Wow Einstein. You have made the most extraordinary of observations. Yes Genius, there ARE a lot of people, maybe because it is peak hour, and it seems a train has left too early, leaving out hundreds of commuters who were counting on it to arrive on time!
And we're in black, because we have black coats, because it's winter, it's generally common, and it's freakin' depressing!
I don't know WHY I felt the need to explain myself to him in my head, but his random observations (!) were so madly pointless, that it infuriated me to the core. I almost expected him to pipe up next with "gee, look at all the train tracks, must be for some trains."
Duh. Stupid bogan.
And the CHOMP-ing. It was so annoying. Every CHOMP wound me up tighter and threw me more and more into a state of agony. I was sure they were eating, sorry, CHOMPING, with their mouths open, that's how loud it was. If I had turned my head to look at them, I'm sure I would have seen specks of chips flying out of their mouths, like cannons out of a rocket.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. Like they didn't care about the late trains. Or the rain outside. Or the fact that their disgusting open-mouthed CHOMPing was rude, disrespectful and....obnoxious.
I was sooooo going to walk to another part of the platform to escape their annoying-ness, when they miraculously moved away.
Thank you.
Oh yeah, it turned out my 5:45 train hadn't arrived AT ALL, due to some technical fault. In other words, the train system is SHIT.
In the words of the Buffy/Angel-verse: Grrrrr, Argh.
Yesterday I had to take the train home from work, and although I thought I may have been running a little late in getting to the train station on time, I actually made it there closely approaching the 5:45pm arrival of my train.
And lo and behold, as I walked down the stairs to the platform, I saw the monitor, displaying a totally different train arriving, rather than my train.
I looked at my watch, and saw it was 5:45 on the D-O-T.
Not happy Jan.
So the train had arrived and left earlier than scheduled? That's not fair, that's like cheating! You can't have a train arrive and leave earlier than scheduled. Commuters plan their whole days around public transport, and if they miss their transport because it's left earlier, well..... GRRRR! NOT FAIR!
Yes they may leave late. That's allowed in public transport land. Just not too late. At least a late train means that commuters won't be in any danger of missing their travel appointments.
All this, plus extreme anger and frustration was what I was feeling, as I made my way to my regular spot along the platform to wait, for the next train, in 16 MINUTES.
And then 2 obnoxious nobs came along, chomping chips.
The first sign of their extreme obnoxiousness was the way they were eating their potato chips. I didn't turn to look at them, but from where they were beside me, I could hear the crunching, LOUD.
Then, Nob number 1 opened his mouth, and confirmed it all for me.
"There's so many people around, it's like a herd of cattle."
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
"Notice how everyone is like, in black?"
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
Only silence from his friend, as his friend was too busy CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP-ing too.
Wow Einstein. You have made the most extraordinary of observations. Yes Genius, there ARE a lot of people, maybe because it is peak hour, and it seems a train has left too early, leaving out hundreds of commuters who were counting on it to arrive on time!
And we're in black, because we have black coats, because it's winter, it's generally common, and it's freakin' depressing!
I don't know WHY I felt the need to explain myself to him in my head, but his random observations (!) were so madly pointless, that it infuriated me to the core. I almost expected him to pipe up next with "gee, look at all the train tracks, must be for some trains."
Duh. Stupid bogan.
And the CHOMP-ing. It was so annoying. Every CHOMP wound me up tighter and threw me more and more into a state of agony. I was sure they were eating, sorry, CHOMPING, with their mouths open, that's how loud it was. If I had turned my head to look at them, I'm sure I would have seen specks of chips flying out of their mouths, like cannons out of a rocket.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. Like they didn't care about the late trains. Or the rain outside. Or the fact that their disgusting open-mouthed CHOMPing was rude, disrespectful and....obnoxious.
I was sooooo going to walk to another part of the platform to escape their annoying-ness, when they miraculously moved away.
Thank you.
Oh yeah, it turned out my 5:45 train hadn't arrived AT ALL, due to some technical fault. In other words, the train system is SHIT.
In the words of the Buffy/Angel-verse: Grrrrr, Argh.
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