That sounds like it should be a title in the Bourne series.
I was going to use the word conclusion, but then I realised when it comes to this girl, nothing she does, no motive, no event, is really ever going to be final or conclusive. Just as our friendship.
Boy was my dream right. The hole in her top from being shot at, represents the shots being fired at her in real life. Her sister didn’t tell me this when I asked about Blonde, because she too is involved in the family turmoil that is clouding them all.
Without getting into detail, shit has happened, life changes and choices abound, and she feels like a little lost puppy, with many places to go, but with no real home.
I’m feeling quite torn and confused after our almost 2 hour Skype chat. I feel deeply sorry for her, and I even shed some tears of my own about my life in amongst her tear-stained face. We were a couple of massive sooks on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.
And, although my question of why she hasn’t made contact with me in ages has sort of been answered, in another way it kind of hasn’t. Although she said she tends to bottle things up, she mentioned how she’s been speaking to another close friend of hers, and I couldn’t help thinking ‘who contacted who?’ It’s very likely that the ‘other’ friend contacted Blonde, but I’m kind of wondering, festering slowly over the annoying chance that Blonde went to her… and then I must ask – why didn’t she come to me?
I know it’s a lot of ‘what ifs?’ but there’s the other annoying thing, the part where she didn’t mention, or take note ofthe fact that I was quite worried about her these last few months. Either she is oblivious to it, or doesn’t care that I was looking for her. I know she’s had a lot on, I get it; however I had this really overwhelming emotion come over me when we were talking, and I thought to myself ‘I’ve been listening to everyone this year, from their happiness, to mostly their crap and problems and issues with life, and now it’s time for me. What about me?’
What about me. That has been circling my head for a couple of days now. I need someone to listen to me as well. I need someone to care. I need someone to ask if I’m doing alright. I’m a person with real needs and emotions too.
The day after our Skype chat I noticed she had sent me an email which I hadn’t seen at the time. She said she was going to bed. Having not seen this, I’d logged onto Skype and she had told me she’d get out of bed when I messaged her. I just thought she was resting there… that shit me too. Here we are, we haven’t spoken in yonks, I’m worried about her, and she can’t stay up for a bit to talk to her ‘close’ friend? I can’t say bestie anymore…
I know she cares… but I just have to wonder. I wonder if I’ve invested more into this friendship than she has, and I feel that is apparent from her failure to acknowledge my concern, in her absence of reaching out to me in her hard time, and in the fact that she was still crying over Red. That makes me sad too; but I’m here. There is someone who cares. I don’t know if she’s seeing that, or if I’m looking into things too much.
I can’t talk to her for a while now. As hard as it is, and as much as I wanted her to know I'm thinking of her, I need to distance at this point in time. As much as I learnt the other day, I feel like I know that much less about our friendship. And the not-knowing hurts.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Red vs. Blonde
I am currently on par with tones of burgundy in my hair, and in my late teen years there was always some streak of blonde, or multiple streaks of platinum running through my locks to make it fair.
This however, is not a post about hair colour. Rather it has to do with two of my closest buddies.
Red.
Blonde.
I love them both dearly. Red, I have known almost all my life. Even when we weren’t best friends before our high school days, we knew each other and even hung out for a short period of time in primary school. Friends for over 20 years, besties for about 15. That’s an impressive stat.
Blonde I’ve known for a bit less. Her I’ve known for 13 years, since high school, but it was in our post high school years that we grew even closer. I guess I’d say she’s been my ‘other’ bestie for about 7 years. Still a good feat.
I never say Blonde’s my bestie in front of Red. Nor do I say it about Red, in front of Blonde, though Blonde has heard it plenty out of Red’s mouth. The furthest I’ve gone, to speak about the other to the one I’m with, is to say “my closest friends.” But I’ve never said ‘best.’
Up until maybe a year ago, and especially in our early 20s, when Blonde was still living in the country, we were VERY VERY tight. The three of us. It was a constant ball. I always felt I was a good blend of the two. Red is more conservative in some respects, and I mean that only in the sense of not being so rude, not so out there with the sexual innuendos. No swearing, she’s good and kind and sweet to all people. She’ll bend over backwards for you, and is always smiling, always positive, cheerful and good-natured.
This is not to say she is boring or uninteresting in anyway, as most people think with ‘nice’ people (strike that – I hate the word ‘nice’). We’ve had the biggest laughs together Red and I. We share the same goofy, silly humour, generally the same taste in music, and have the same zest for life, constantly inspiring and motivating each other to reach higher, to achieve our wildest most unimaginable dreams. Because we know they’re not unimaginable. We know we can make them come true.
Blonde on the other hand, is quite… crazy. She has a very addictive personality: people just want to be around her. She is refreshing, in that she says whatever she’s thinking, does things without inhibition, and talks and talks until the cows come home. I have the utmost respect for her, because unlike ‘other’ motor-mouths who fail to realise that other people exist in their presence, when I speak, Blonde stops, and listens. She REALLY listens.
Blonde can sometimes be forgetful. She’ll forget your birthday; she’ll say she’s coming over, but then call 2 hours later and say, ‘I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry (because she can see through her sensory x-ray long-distance vision that I’m turning purple) but I’m coming now!’ And because of her happy-go-lucky persona, you always forgive her.
I like being a combo of the two of them, and that probably shows why I get along so well with them both. I think I’m sweet and kind like Red, willing to do a lot for my closest friends and family; yet like Blonde, I can be a bit rude, be a bit rash when the moment permits. I have a healthy dose of her wild side, yet a substantial portion of Red’s considerate-ness at the same time. Thoughtful yet crazy, I think.
They’re kind of the two extremes, yet we ALWAYS got along. Got along. One of my favourite memories, proof of how I’m a bit of both personalities, was when we went shopping together a while back, and Red upon looking at a kind of see-through top to try on, asked the shop assistant “do you have a singlet so I can put it on under this?” The guy started to look around, upon which Blonde jokingly said “no Red, you try it on like that so we see your boobs,” quite loudly, so the shop assistant could hear (he was gay by the way). As Blonde laughed out loud, and I giggled compulsively, Red turned to Blonde, shot her a dark look and said angrily “Blonde! That’s rude, don’t be so loud!”
Although that’s a fave memory, maybe that’s not the best example of the three of us. Maybe I use that example because that’s when I noticed things started to change. By that stage, it wasn’t 3 musketeers. It was 2. Or the ‘other’ 2. Never 3. I was always part of the 2. And by that time, from that incident, I started to realise I was leaning on the side of Blonde a bit more.
It almost hurts me to write this. I love them both so much. I wish the crap that had happened never did: not that anything, any event as such happened; it was just a slow removal, a non-revealing of information, non-sharing of life experiences, a waning of contact that led to the slow parting of Red and Blonde.
I don’t think Red would think they’ve parted. In true Red style, and though I love her for her positivity, her focus on that thing only leaves her with a bit of a dream-like, rose-coloured glasses view of everything. She doesn’t realise Blonde is shitty with her. She doesn’t realise she could have involved her more in her wedding. She doesn’t realise she hasn’t put into the friendship – she just thinks because she’s been busy, that Blonde understands.
It’s not just that. There are a few more nitty-gritty issues, things that got in the way and screwed things up. Other friends, partners.
Blonde sees it though. Blonde is hurt. And Blonde tells me all about it. Told me all about it.
Sigh.
I’m a bit stuck you see. I love both these girls. They fulfil parts of me, in completely different ways, and I’m the luckiest, most freaking blessed girl to have people like this in my life. Add to that my sister, who really, truly is (not biased, no joke) the best, most fantastic sister in the world – and I know it’s true because all my friends love her, even those who have sisters, wish they had her as one instead – and in the words of another friend, I feel like I’m shitting rainbows in the girlfriend department. I’m set.
Back in the day when we used to spend time together, Red, Blonde and I, it was magnificent. I actually can’t find an adjective appropriate enough to describe the time spent together. Explosive? Thrilling? Meaningful? Deep? Out of this world? If I was lesbian, I would probably have an affair with both of them, let’s just say that’s how much I love them.
And that’s the problem. I’d have an affair with both of them.
It would be so good, every time was the best time. Lately though, with the absence of both of them, simultaneously in my life, and with all of life’s changes… I’m missing those times. Thinking of it now, God I’m missing those times. SO BAD.
With all the shit and crap, doom and gloom and with all of life’s frustrations that have been so prevalent not just lately, but on and off for the past year, I’m missing that… and one of them more in particular.
Blonde.
Maybe it’s because the grass is greener. Blonde is overseas, I haven’t seen her in about 5 months, and I haven’t spoken to her in about the same time. No joke. Instead I’ve been busy with Red, and helping her plan her wedding.
And with all that’s been going on lately, I had a massive pang of sadness hit me last week. I miss Blonde. I need her. I need to talk to her. I want to know where she is.
Some best friend huh?
Blonde works overseas, and was going on holiday in that region a while ago. Up until just before my birthday, I knew what country she was in. I’d tried to call her before she left for her holiday, but her phone wasn’t working. She said she’d Skype me, but in true Blonde fashion, she never did. When she didn’t call me for my birthday, I was a bit sad: she makes an effort to remember my birthday, and I know she wouldn’t have forgotten it, despite how scatter-brained she can be at times.
I realised she wasn’t posting on facebook, AT ALL. In fact she still hasn’t. I’ve contacted her sister twice to ask about Blonde: once her sister said she was overseas and her normal phone wasn’t working; and most recently when I asked again, she mentioned Blonde was travelling to a conference. Well that sounds like she’s back at work. So why hasn’t she called me?
I’ve been a bit stubborn. I wanted to talk to Blonde earlier this year to tell her the exciting news that I’d finished my book. But when she didn’t call for my birthday I felt a bit rejected, honestly I did. Up until recently I was like ‘stuff her, she should call me, she should know I’ve been chasing her.’ But then I was like ‘does she?’ If she hasn’t updated her facebook, she wouldn’t see the messages left there. Her sister may not even be telling her (she can be the jealous type) and I even had a dream about her, where someone told me she had been shot, and all I saw of her was her top with a hole in it.
That made me worried. I started to doubt my stubbornness, and wonder whether I should just woman up and call her. If it’s your friend, you forgive them I say. Not just that, but you don’t know what’s been happening. You don’t know their side of the story. For all I know something bad has happened and she hasn’t been able to call. But her sister would have told me, surely…
But then again the other day I saw she ‘liked’ something on facebook – even though she hasn’t put anything on her page. So she IS around. But where IS she? I wonder whether she is avoiding us all, maybe because she doesn’t want to go to Red’s wedding. Maybe this is all in protest, in not having been chosen to be a part of the bridal party, in not having been chosen to be included AT ALL.
It’s just so confusing, and so frustrating. And so sad. I don’t know what to do. I miss her, and it’s actually HER that I miss. Despite my love for both of them, I actually need to speak to Blonde. With all that’s been going on, I feel I need to let my feelings out, and that Blonde is the right person to talk to. To air my grievances with. Red would listen I know, but she’d be all, “look on the bright side, be positive,” and I actually don’t need that. I want someone to listen, and to say “that’s shit.”
That’s Blonde. I need her matter-of-fact, listen without trying to make you feel better point of view. I just need the realism of life.
Maybe I just need to try call her again. Now.
This however, is not a post about hair colour. Rather it has to do with two of my closest buddies.
Red.
Blonde.
I love them both dearly. Red, I have known almost all my life. Even when we weren’t best friends before our high school days, we knew each other and even hung out for a short period of time in primary school. Friends for over 20 years, besties for about 15. That’s an impressive stat.
Blonde I’ve known for a bit less. Her I’ve known for 13 years, since high school, but it was in our post high school years that we grew even closer. I guess I’d say she’s been my ‘other’ bestie for about 7 years. Still a good feat.
I never say Blonde’s my bestie in front of Red. Nor do I say it about Red, in front of Blonde, though Blonde has heard it plenty out of Red’s mouth. The furthest I’ve gone, to speak about the other to the one I’m with, is to say “my closest friends.” But I’ve never said ‘best.’
Up until maybe a year ago, and especially in our early 20s, when Blonde was still living in the country, we were VERY VERY tight. The three of us. It was a constant ball. I always felt I was a good blend of the two. Red is more conservative in some respects, and I mean that only in the sense of not being so rude, not so out there with the sexual innuendos. No swearing, she’s good and kind and sweet to all people. She’ll bend over backwards for you, and is always smiling, always positive, cheerful and good-natured.
This is not to say she is boring or uninteresting in anyway, as most people think with ‘nice’ people (strike that – I hate the word ‘nice’). We’ve had the biggest laughs together Red and I. We share the same goofy, silly humour, generally the same taste in music, and have the same zest for life, constantly inspiring and motivating each other to reach higher, to achieve our wildest most unimaginable dreams. Because we know they’re not unimaginable. We know we can make them come true.
Blonde on the other hand, is quite… crazy. She has a very addictive personality: people just want to be around her. She is refreshing, in that she says whatever she’s thinking, does things without inhibition, and talks and talks until the cows come home. I have the utmost respect for her, because unlike ‘other’ motor-mouths who fail to realise that other people exist in their presence, when I speak, Blonde stops, and listens. She REALLY listens.
Blonde can sometimes be forgetful. She’ll forget your birthday; she’ll say she’s coming over, but then call 2 hours later and say, ‘I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry (because she can see through her sensory x-ray long-distance vision that I’m turning purple) but I’m coming now!’ And because of her happy-go-lucky persona, you always forgive her.
I like being a combo of the two of them, and that probably shows why I get along so well with them both. I think I’m sweet and kind like Red, willing to do a lot for my closest friends and family; yet like Blonde, I can be a bit rude, be a bit rash when the moment permits. I have a healthy dose of her wild side, yet a substantial portion of Red’s considerate-ness at the same time. Thoughtful yet crazy, I think.
They’re kind of the two extremes, yet we ALWAYS got along. Got along. One of my favourite memories, proof of how I’m a bit of both personalities, was when we went shopping together a while back, and Red upon looking at a kind of see-through top to try on, asked the shop assistant “do you have a singlet so I can put it on under this?” The guy started to look around, upon which Blonde jokingly said “no Red, you try it on like that so we see your boobs,” quite loudly, so the shop assistant could hear (he was gay by the way). As Blonde laughed out loud, and I giggled compulsively, Red turned to Blonde, shot her a dark look and said angrily “Blonde! That’s rude, don’t be so loud!”
Although that’s a fave memory, maybe that’s not the best example of the three of us. Maybe I use that example because that’s when I noticed things started to change. By that stage, it wasn’t 3 musketeers. It was 2. Or the ‘other’ 2. Never 3. I was always part of the 2. And by that time, from that incident, I started to realise I was leaning on the side of Blonde a bit more.
It almost hurts me to write this. I love them both so much. I wish the crap that had happened never did: not that anything, any event as such happened; it was just a slow removal, a non-revealing of information, non-sharing of life experiences, a waning of contact that led to the slow parting of Red and Blonde.
I don’t think Red would think they’ve parted. In true Red style, and though I love her for her positivity, her focus on that thing only leaves her with a bit of a dream-like, rose-coloured glasses view of everything. She doesn’t realise Blonde is shitty with her. She doesn’t realise she could have involved her more in her wedding. She doesn’t realise she hasn’t put into the friendship – she just thinks because she’s been busy, that Blonde understands.
It’s not just that. There are a few more nitty-gritty issues, things that got in the way and screwed things up. Other friends, partners.
Blonde sees it though. Blonde is hurt. And Blonde tells me all about it. Told me all about it.
Sigh.
I’m a bit stuck you see. I love both these girls. They fulfil parts of me, in completely different ways, and I’m the luckiest, most freaking blessed girl to have people like this in my life. Add to that my sister, who really, truly is (not biased, no joke) the best, most fantastic sister in the world – and I know it’s true because all my friends love her, even those who have sisters, wish they had her as one instead – and in the words of another friend, I feel like I’m shitting rainbows in the girlfriend department. I’m set.
Back in the day when we used to spend time together, Red, Blonde and I, it was magnificent. I actually can’t find an adjective appropriate enough to describe the time spent together. Explosive? Thrilling? Meaningful? Deep? Out of this world? If I was lesbian, I would probably have an affair with both of them, let’s just say that’s how much I love them.
And that’s the problem. I’d have an affair with both of them.
It would be so good, every time was the best time. Lately though, with the absence of both of them, simultaneously in my life, and with all of life’s changes… I’m missing those times. Thinking of it now, God I’m missing those times. SO BAD.
With all the shit and crap, doom and gloom and with all of life’s frustrations that have been so prevalent not just lately, but on and off for the past year, I’m missing that… and one of them more in particular.
Blonde.
Maybe it’s because the grass is greener. Blonde is overseas, I haven’t seen her in about 5 months, and I haven’t spoken to her in about the same time. No joke. Instead I’ve been busy with Red, and helping her plan her wedding.
And with all that’s been going on lately, I had a massive pang of sadness hit me last week. I miss Blonde. I need her. I need to talk to her. I want to know where she is.
Some best friend huh?
Blonde works overseas, and was going on holiday in that region a while ago. Up until just before my birthday, I knew what country she was in. I’d tried to call her before she left for her holiday, but her phone wasn’t working. She said she’d Skype me, but in true Blonde fashion, she never did. When she didn’t call me for my birthday, I was a bit sad: she makes an effort to remember my birthday, and I know she wouldn’t have forgotten it, despite how scatter-brained she can be at times.
I realised she wasn’t posting on facebook, AT ALL. In fact she still hasn’t. I’ve contacted her sister twice to ask about Blonde: once her sister said she was overseas and her normal phone wasn’t working; and most recently when I asked again, she mentioned Blonde was travelling to a conference. Well that sounds like she’s back at work. So why hasn’t she called me?
I’ve been a bit stubborn. I wanted to talk to Blonde earlier this year to tell her the exciting news that I’d finished my book. But when she didn’t call for my birthday I felt a bit rejected, honestly I did. Up until recently I was like ‘stuff her, she should call me, she should know I’ve been chasing her.’ But then I was like ‘does she?’ If she hasn’t updated her facebook, she wouldn’t see the messages left there. Her sister may not even be telling her (she can be the jealous type) and I even had a dream about her, where someone told me she had been shot, and all I saw of her was her top with a hole in it.
That made me worried. I started to doubt my stubbornness, and wonder whether I should just woman up and call her. If it’s your friend, you forgive them I say. Not just that, but you don’t know what’s been happening. You don’t know their side of the story. For all I know something bad has happened and she hasn’t been able to call. But her sister would have told me, surely…
But then again the other day I saw she ‘liked’ something on facebook – even though she hasn’t put anything on her page. So she IS around. But where IS she? I wonder whether she is avoiding us all, maybe because she doesn’t want to go to Red’s wedding. Maybe this is all in protest, in not having been chosen to be a part of the bridal party, in not having been chosen to be included AT ALL.
It’s just so confusing, and so frustrating. And so sad. I don’t know what to do. I miss her, and it’s actually HER that I miss. Despite my love for both of them, I actually need to speak to Blonde. With all that’s been going on, I feel I need to let my feelings out, and that Blonde is the right person to talk to. To air my grievances with. Red would listen I know, but she’d be all, “look on the bright side, be positive,” and I actually don’t need that. I want someone to listen, and to say “that’s shit.”
That’s Blonde. I need her matter-of-fact, listen without trying to make you feel better point of view. I just need the realism of life.
Maybe I just need to try call her again. Now.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
My friend Karma
I have a very strong faith in Karma. It's something I learnt, in a very hard way when I was 16, whilst at high school and having an intense friendship break-up. People may think 'oh, all that high school melodrama is just a part of growing up.' But the way you interpret your life's dramas, whether big or small, kind of sets you up for the way you'll deal with other tough scenarios for the rest of your life.
And in any of these tough cases I've come across and had to endure, I learnt that whenever there was a difficult person who seemed to be getting away with doing something bad which I couldn't change or help, the expectance of Karma was very much welcomed.
That first time I learnt to depend on Karma at the age of 16, I had to endure many months of strained friendships and life uncertainty before seeing Karma's appearance start to make a change in not only my life for the better, but also appear as the undeniable avenger in the lives of those who had wronged me. When I hadn't known what to do, I'd simply stated "I release this, and believe that Karma will make those pay if they deserve it." I had to focus all of my attention on that thought, and hope and pray that I was right, that retribution would come to those who had asked for it. And slowly but surely, it did. It was a slow process, but in the spate of about 6 months the dynamics had shifted dramatically, and as I sit here today, knowledgable about the lives of those I'd separated from over a decade ago, I'm even more aware now of not only the pure fact of Karma's existence - because it is just that, a fact - but also that the power of positive vs. negative energies is a game in which both sides always win. Just think about that one for a moment.
Not only do I play by Karma's law, because I want to attract good things - but I do so for a genuine reason, I actually do want good, and wish good for others. And I try, try, try not to care too much about the wrong-doings of others, confident in the knowledge that Karma will 'fix them up' if they deserve it. Well, generally confident.
And that's the thought that has lead me to this place. This place of lately feeling like God's avenger, a righter of wrongs that needs to let people know they've done bad. Yes I realise how comical that may sound but it's true. I have this raw instinct in me to let people know when they've pissed me off - yes that quality a lot of people have I'm sure. However at times, depending on how intense I feel about the wrong-doing, and in particularly how often a certain offender may re-offend, I feel even more driven to the extreme border of earth-bound and born retaliator.
Haha, me in terminator gear, how funny. Seriously though, it does get to me. Thankfully, I've once again had my aha! moment in regards to Karma, because of some interesting news I heard yesterday.
No-show-boy, myself and another colleague were having a tea break late last night. He started saying how he'd had a Saturday day shift, the one that's just passed, and was supposed to start at 2pm. Because of some 'things' he had to attend to in the day (and also to the fact he fell asleep on his couch), on top of the fact that he had misinterpreted the 1400 work start time written on his hand to mean 4:00pm, rather than the 2pm reminder it was meant to be, he came into work a little later than usual. And guess who, unknown to him was already at work, waiting for him?
Our boss.
Dum, da dum dum.
She's really a very good boss. She is very accomodating to our out-of-work needs and requirements, and you could say, is very cool.
She's also the sort of person to really let you have it if you take advantage of her easygoing nature, which is what happened to No-show-boy. The other colleague and I sat there wide-mouthed as he told us how she completely went off at him for being late, especially since there had been some kind of request made to our department in regards to an error, and as no one was here to represent our team she was called.
Ouch. That's nasty.
It was only then that I realised what had been happening. Here I was, keeping notes on his absences from work, and counting the minutes he was away from his desk per day (maybe not counting, but I was being a complete tardy-freak), not so I could tell somebody, I'm not a dibby-dobber, more so for my own records to satisfy my curiosity of how far he would push it. Last week I sort of said to myself, quite subconsciously of any Karma that may take part "I'm letting this go, I can't do anything about it. And if he's as bad as I think he is (tardy-wise) then the bosses will EVENTUALLY find out."
And they seriously did, within a week. Not that they didn't know already. Really, you can't keep secrets like those, everyone's true character comes out eventually.
And it made me think. This Karma re-appearing in front of me, made me think that perhaps I should 'let certain things go' about other troublesome characters in my life. Let them go, and the hurt go, so that Karma can swoop in and fix it up for me..... After all, Karma does as its definition is.
It's worth a shot.
There's a quote I heard a while ago that has stuck with me ever since, something I believe you cannot get away from, therefore you must endeavour not to run away from it in the first place.
"No matter how deep you bury your seeds, they will always be unearthed."
And in any of these tough cases I've come across and had to endure, I learnt that whenever there was a difficult person who seemed to be getting away with doing something bad which I couldn't change or help, the expectance of Karma was very much welcomed.
That first time I learnt to depend on Karma at the age of 16, I had to endure many months of strained friendships and life uncertainty before seeing Karma's appearance start to make a change in not only my life for the better, but also appear as the undeniable avenger in the lives of those who had wronged me. When I hadn't known what to do, I'd simply stated "I release this, and believe that Karma will make those pay if they deserve it." I had to focus all of my attention on that thought, and hope and pray that I was right, that retribution would come to those who had asked for it. And slowly but surely, it did. It was a slow process, but in the spate of about 6 months the dynamics had shifted dramatically, and as I sit here today, knowledgable about the lives of those I'd separated from over a decade ago, I'm even more aware now of not only the pure fact of Karma's existence - because it is just that, a fact - but also that the power of positive vs. negative energies is a game in which both sides always win. Just think about that one for a moment.
Not only do I play by Karma's law, because I want to attract good things - but I do so for a genuine reason, I actually do want good, and wish good for others. And I try, try, try not to care too much about the wrong-doings of others, confident in the knowledge that Karma will 'fix them up' if they deserve it. Well, generally confident.
And that's the thought that has lead me to this place. This place of lately feeling like God's avenger, a righter of wrongs that needs to let people know they've done bad. Yes I realise how comical that may sound but it's true. I have this raw instinct in me to let people know when they've pissed me off - yes that quality a lot of people have I'm sure. However at times, depending on how intense I feel about the wrong-doing, and in particularly how often a certain offender may re-offend, I feel even more driven to the extreme border of earth-bound and born retaliator.
Haha, me in terminator gear, how funny. Seriously though, it does get to me. Thankfully, I've once again had my aha! moment in regards to Karma, because of some interesting news I heard yesterday.
No-show-boy, myself and another colleague were having a tea break late last night. He started saying how he'd had a Saturday day shift, the one that's just passed, and was supposed to start at 2pm. Because of some 'things' he had to attend to in the day (and also to the fact he fell asleep on his couch), on top of the fact that he had misinterpreted the 1400 work start time written on his hand to mean 4:00pm, rather than the 2pm reminder it was meant to be, he came into work a little later than usual. And guess who, unknown to him was already at work, waiting for him?
Our boss.
Dum, da dum dum.
She's really a very good boss. She is very accomodating to our out-of-work needs and requirements, and you could say, is very cool.
She's also the sort of person to really let you have it if you take advantage of her easygoing nature, which is what happened to No-show-boy. The other colleague and I sat there wide-mouthed as he told us how she completely went off at him for being late, especially since there had been some kind of request made to our department in regards to an error, and as no one was here to represent our team she was called.
Ouch. That's nasty.
It was only then that I realised what had been happening. Here I was, keeping notes on his absences from work, and counting the minutes he was away from his desk per day (maybe not counting, but I was being a complete tardy-freak), not so I could tell somebody, I'm not a dibby-dobber, more so for my own records to satisfy my curiosity of how far he would push it. Last week I sort of said to myself, quite subconsciously of any Karma that may take part "I'm letting this go, I can't do anything about it. And if he's as bad as I think he is (tardy-wise) then the bosses will EVENTUALLY find out."
And they seriously did, within a week. Not that they didn't know already. Really, you can't keep secrets like those, everyone's true character comes out eventually.
And it made me think. This Karma re-appearing in front of me, made me think that perhaps I should 'let certain things go' about other troublesome characters in my life. Let them go, and the hurt go, so that Karma can swoop in and fix it up for me..... After all, Karma does as its definition is.
It's worth a shot.
There's a quote I heard a while ago that has stuck with me ever since, something I believe you cannot get away from, therefore you must endeavour not to run away from it in the first place.
"No matter how deep you bury your seeds, they will always be unearthed."
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Oops, I did it again
In the famous words of Homer, D'oh.
Why can't I leave well enough alone? Why must I push and push and...... sigh.
Here we go again.
In the continuation of my former, ex-best friend never-ending saga, there are further developments.
But let's stop right there for a moment. Let's give this girl a name for Pete's sake. (And why Pete???)
Let's call her.......Pez. Ha ha. I'm the only one laughing because I know why.
So I had left her a facebook message on her profile page, from last recall. My message had outlined what I'd been up to lately, and then, in line with my stupid 'test' I put the question to her. I had suggested we catch up, as we had planned so many many months earlier but had never gotten around to, hence leaving the ball in her court, to either lob back, or simply let fall to the ground.
A few days passed, and nothing. No sign, no message, no news, no response from Pez. And so I thought to myself, "Cool." I was happy. Really, TRULY I was. I thought to myself that she clearly wasn't interested in a catch up or just wasn't sure about it, and I didn't reproach her for it, because honestly, I wasn't sure myself.
Thinking all was over, and I don't know WHY I thought I had to do it, but I made a facebook status in response to this recent turn of events. Honestly, I don't know what I was trying to achieve. Was I trying to bait her with a reply? Was I pretending I was ok when I wasn't? I truly feel cool about it all, I feel no hostility towards her whatsoever, and yet, I decided to write this, for all to see on my facebook page:
Thank you, I asked you a question and you answered. Now I can move on :)
Now, is that really obvious, or is that REALLY obvious? At the time I didn't think it was really obvious. I thought, "hey, it's clearly a statement that can be made to illustrate ANY life situation, any person, any event."
About one day passed after that status update, when I received an email notification, telling me that Pez had written something to me.
O-M-G. We meet again.
At the time I absolutely shit myself, thinking she had responded DIRECTLY to my status. But in fact, no, she was just responding to my earlier post on her wall about catching up. Her response sounded quite genuine. She enthusiastically agreed that a catch-up was a great idea and that we should do it, despite the fact that things were crazy busy at the moment.
I could have kicked myself in the butt, if I had been able to dislocate my leg to do it. Now all I could think of was, "is she responding because she wants to, or because she read between the lines in my status?"
D'oh, d'oh, d'oh.
Oh, if only I hadn't been so philosophical about different stages of life, friends coming and going, everything has a meaning, la di da di da. Blah.
Now the only thing I can do is wonder. Wonder what her true feelings are. And sadly, I do regret typing that status. Because a part of me did want this stage of my life to be over. And now I feel I'm forced into a puppet show, with my idiotic 'life-is-so-meaningful' bullshit big mouth pulling the strings.
Ahh!
So, because I've made my bed, and now I must sleep in it, I responded to her message last night. I suggested a day that suits me for our catch-up, and I've let her know that if that doesn't work, we'll try another day and......
You know, all that fake I really care crap.
Yeah I know. I must sound like a real bitch right now. More than upset at anyone or anything, I'm upset at myself, and why I didn't just let things be.
And you know what? If this meeting does end up happening..... it's Now or Never.
In the harmonious words of Elvis, "Tomorrow will be too late, it's Now or Never....."
I will bring up the Elephant in the Room, God help me I will. Because really, I don't care anymore, and really, I have nothing to lose.
That's a sequel to keep anyone on the edge of their seat.
Why can't I leave well enough alone? Why must I push and push and...... sigh.
Here we go again.
In the continuation of my former, ex-best friend never-ending saga, there are further developments.
But let's stop right there for a moment. Let's give this girl a name for Pete's sake. (And why Pete???)
Let's call her.......Pez. Ha ha. I'm the only one laughing because I know why.
So I had left her a facebook message on her profile page, from last recall. My message had outlined what I'd been up to lately, and then, in line with my stupid 'test' I put the question to her. I had suggested we catch up, as we had planned so many many months earlier but had never gotten around to, hence leaving the ball in her court, to either lob back, or simply let fall to the ground.
A few days passed, and nothing. No sign, no message, no news, no response from Pez. And so I thought to myself, "Cool." I was happy. Really, TRULY I was. I thought to myself that she clearly wasn't interested in a catch up or just wasn't sure about it, and I didn't reproach her for it, because honestly, I wasn't sure myself.
Thinking all was over, and I don't know WHY I thought I had to do it, but I made a facebook status in response to this recent turn of events. Honestly, I don't know what I was trying to achieve. Was I trying to bait her with a reply? Was I pretending I was ok when I wasn't? I truly feel cool about it all, I feel no hostility towards her whatsoever, and yet, I decided to write this, for all to see on my facebook page:
Thank you, I asked you a question and you answered. Now I can move on :)
Now, is that really obvious, or is that REALLY obvious? At the time I didn't think it was really obvious. I thought, "hey, it's clearly a statement that can be made to illustrate ANY life situation, any person, any event."
About one day passed after that status update, when I received an email notification, telling me that Pez had written something to me.
O-M-G. We meet again.
At the time I absolutely shit myself, thinking she had responded DIRECTLY to my status. But in fact, no, she was just responding to my earlier post on her wall about catching up. Her response sounded quite genuine. She enthusiastically agreed that a catch-up was a great idea and that we should do it, despite the fact that things were crazy busy at the moment.
I could have kicked myself in the butt, if I had been able to dislocate my leg to do it. Now all I could think of was, "is she responding because she wants to, or because she read between the lines in my status?"
D'oh, d'oh, d'oh.
Oh, if only I hadn't been so philosophical about different stages of life, friends coming and going, everything has a meaning, la di da di da. Blah.
Now the only thing I can do is wonder. Wonder what her true feelings are. And sadly, I do regret typing that status. Because a part of me did want this stage of my life to be over. And now I feel I'm forced into a puppet show, with my idiotic 'life-is-so-meaningful' bullshit big mouth pulling the strings.
Ahh!
So, because I've made my bed, and now I must sleep in it, I responded to her message last night. I suggested a day that suits me for our catch-up, and I've let her know that if that doesn't work, we'll try another day and......
You know, all that fake I really care crap.
Yeah I know. I must sound like a real bitch right now. More than upset at anyone or anything, I'm upset at myself, and why I didn't just let things be.
And you know what? If this meeting does end up happening..... it's Now or Never.
In the harmonious words of Elvis, "Tomorrow will be too late, it's Now or Never....."
I will bring up the Elephant in the Room, God help me I will. Because really, I don't care anymore, and really, I have nothing to lose.
That's a sequel to keep anyone on the edge of their seat.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
O-M-G.
I don't even know how to begin this blog. I think I should begin with: Life is bloody weird. The Universe is WEIRD. It screws with you and gives you things after you have proclaimed that you don't wish for them anymore.
It all started yesterday. Yesterday with my 'sick' blog (so to speak).
After posting that blog, still suffering from my cold/flu/possessed body symptoms, I couldn't really motivate myself to get back to work. It was tooooooo hard. So I started randomly reading some of my old posts. I just started clicking, and one click led to another; soon I was reading one of my earliest posts about a close friendship I'd had that had failed, and how after a meeting with her 10 years after the fact, I had come to the realisation that we were just destined to grow apart; and I was ok with this. I could move on.
The post in question: When I was 14, I was right - Part 2 (The Elephant in the Room)
I had been really enjoying reading all my posts. Laughing a bit, and getting caught up in all the stuff that had happened in my life over the past year. I was happy with my chronicling, and proud that I actually enjoyed my OWN work. So you can imagine how I must have felt when reaching the end of that current post, I read the last few lines and smiled with such contentment:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.'
I absolutely fell in love with this sentence. I was so proud that a quote, filled with such meaning, poignanty and realism, had come from ME. My mind, my creativity. I was so rapt in the moment, I immediately decided that that night I would make my facebook status that quote, minus the "I'll find out..." last line.
Although those lines were specific to that particular post, the encompassing meaning of life that rang through it made me think that it would be perfect as a facebook status, because often in life, we as humans come across situations that do test us, with unexpected things thrown our way.
I was telling Hubbie about it that night as we got ready to eat, and then I showed him the quote online. I was so excited about this quote, more for the fact that I loved the surprising nature of its meaning, rather than WHY I had written it in the first place.
So when I finally logged onto facebook, I copied and pasted into my status section:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along.'
I pasted it, and self-indulgently read it a few more times.
I was wondering if and when any of my facebook friends would see it and whether they would like it, so I clicked on the tab on the lower right hand corner to see who was currently online.
There were probably about 10 people. One of them was her.
As in my ex, previous, former best friend, of who I had just posted a quote that I loved, from a blog I'd written about our failed friendship, months and months ago.
I sort of smiled, thinking of the odd coincidence that she would also be online at this exact moment.
Not even a long moment later, I noticed that I had a red number 2, highlighted at the top of my notifications tab on the top left side.
I immediately thought: "that was quick. Must be someone referring to my status update."
After all, that was the only change to my page I had recently posted.
As I clicked on the tab to see who had done what, I almost froze. SHE had made a comment on my status, and also "like"-d it.
As I quickly clicked onto my status to read her comment, I had a weird half-smile on my face; I couldn't believe the absolute ridiculousness of it all.
Her comment went along the lines of "Yes, it's all part of life's lessons..."
I sat there, absolutely stunned about the events that had just progressed in the last 2 minutes. And yes it was only 2 minutes. I had posted a status, (the background text said "2 minutes ago") and her comment on it had followed so quickly afterwards ("posted 1 minute ago" - said the background text).
I had posted a quote that I absolutely loved. From a post about her and I, from my blog. About our failed friendship. The conclusion of that post had been that I was happy where we were in our lives, and I had no intention whatsoever of pursuing a friendship with her again, as I'd realised we'd had our time together, and now we were going our separate ways. Like that often circulating email: reason, season, lifetime. I can never work out the difference between reason and season friends, but she was a reason-er/season-er to me.
Or so I thought.
And out of all the friends on facebook, the one person who immediately commented and "liked" my status, was her! Un-freaking-believable, the whole irony of it!
I had to let Hubbie know, and he read over my shoulder as I filled him in on what had just gone down.
So I was left with two questions, two scenarios.
Was this the Universe's way of freaking messing with me? Well no, this wasn't one of my questions, but the thought did cross my mind. My question actually was: was this the Universe's way of telling me to not give up? Was it telling me that our friendship was not over, not done, the story of our lives had not yet reached it's conclusion? I couldn't help but ponder all this, especially since I found the incident so remarkable that it couldn't possibly be put down to just 'coincidence.' Some wild coincidence I say!
Or, was it something else? Had I attracted her response, in line with The Secret philosophies that I so strongly live by now? I had been reading the post I'd written about our friendship during the day. I absolutely LOVED the quote I'd written at the end of it. I'd spent all day thinking about it as my facebook status, and then spent a good portion of that night excitedly telling Hubbie about it. Had I inadvertently attracted this situation, and her response, to me?
I thought for a bit, and then did the only thing I thought was right to do. Test it. I didn't really care what would happen, so the outcome would only tell me which of my theories was correct, with no love lost.
So I wrote on her facebook page, just a general comment like "how have you been anyway? a very very belated happy birthday, looks like you had fun!" (in reference to birthday photos she'd recently put up.
She responded quickly again, saying it had been a great night and asking how I was. I chose the opportunity to do what I'd never thought I'd do again:
"yeah things are pretty good. (-insert talk about being sick as a dog, blah, blah, blah-) Maybe we should have that catch up we spoke about last time, when things calm down a bit. Take care:)"
I did it. I never, ever, EVER thought I would initiate any sort of contact with her again. Not that I hated her. It wasn't like that. I was just over the whole angst of all the years of "oh how sad our friendship has come to an end" bullshit I'd grown so accustomed to. The liberation of knowing it was just meant to be helped me to look forward and not worry about all that anymore. Our friendship was meant to end. I think....
Look, I'm not being hopeful or anything. I don't really care, honestly. I have no need for her. I'm just curious. And playing a game with the Universe to see what will conspire.
She hasn't messaged back to my comment. Either she hasn't seen it, or she is thinking about it. Or, she may just ignore it. And in that case I will know it was just a random coincidental incident that occurred, that I had freakily attracted her response due to my mad excitement about the quote in the first place.
But if she responds, and positively......Well that will make me think. I'll have to really think. And ask myself if I'm ready to go down this path and allow her into my life, when I have such fantastic friends already. I just don't know if I want to do that.
And if we by some odd, weird, peculiar and random chance end up friends again.... .well I'll just be flabbergasted I think. I'll need to start circulating an email of my own, with an extra addition to the reason, season, lifetime friends......
The Lightning Friend.
You have a lightning friend when you are close for a long period of time, and then, for no apparent, clear reason at all, due to no wrongdoing on anyone's part, your friendship ends. It may be that your friend goes away. You may simply just grow apart. You may both just need time to yourselves, so that you can breathe on your own and become your own person, in your own separate times.
And then, when you least expect it, often when you believe your friendship is over and dead to you, it will return. It will happen in the most unlikely and unexpected manner; but believe it, it is real, it is true.
However, be aware: this form of friendship is quite rare, thus the name, The Lightning Friend. Once this person enters your life again, it is a significant moment: the friendship should be cherished, preserved, and not taken advantage of.
Because lightning rarely strikes twice.
LOL.
It all started yesterday. Yesterday with my 'sick' blog (so to speak).
After posting that blog, still suffering from my cold/flu/possessed body symptoms, I couldn't really motivate myself to get back to work. It was tooooooo hard. So I started randomly reading some of my old posts. I just started clicking, and one click led to another; soon I was reading one of my earliest posts about a close friendship I'd had that had failed, and how after a meeting with her 10 years after the fact, I had come to the realisation that we were just destined to grow apart; and I was ok with this. I could move on.
The post in question: When I was 14, I was right - Part 2 (The Elephant in the Room)
I had been really enjoying reading all my posts. Laughing a bit, and getting caught up in all the stuff that had happened in my life over the past year. I was happy with my chronicling, and proud that I actually enjoyed my OWN work. So you can imagine how I must have felt when reaching the end of that current post, I read the last few lines and smiled with such contentment:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.'
I absolutely fell in love with this sentence. I was so proud that a quote, filled with such meaning, poignanty and realism, had come from ME. My mind, my creativity. I was so rapt in the moment, I immediately decided that that night I would make my facebook status that quote, minus the "I'll find out..." last line.
Although those lines were specific to that particular post, the encompassing meaning of life that rang through it made me think that it would be perfect as a facebook status, because often in life, we as humans come across situations that do test us, with unexpected things thrown our way.
I was telling Hubbie about it that night as we got ready to eat, and then I showed him the quote online. I was so excited about this quote, more for the fact that I loved the surprising nature of its meaning, rather than WHY I had written it in the first place.
So when I finally logged onto facebook, I copied and pasted into my status section:
'Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along.'
I pasted it, and self-indulgently read it a few more times.
I was wondering if and when any of my facebook friends would see it and whether they would like it, so I clicked on the tab on the lower right hand corner to see who was currently online.
There were probably about 10 people. One of them was her.
As in my ex, previous, former best friend, of who I had just posted a quote that I loved, from a blog I'd written about our failed friendship, months and months ago.
I sort of smiled, thinking of the odd coincidence that she would also be online at this exact moment.
Not even a long moment later, I noticed that I had a red number 2, highlighted at the top of my notifications tab on the top left side.
I immediately thought: "that was quick. Must be someone referring to my status update."
After all, that was the only change to my page I had recently posted.
As I clicked on the tab to see who had done what, I almost froze. SHE had made a comment on my status, and also "like"-d it.
As I quickly clicked onto my status to read her comment, I had a weird half-smile on my face; I couldn't believe the absolute ridiculousness of it all.
Her comment went along the lines of "Yes, it's all part of life's lessons..."
I sat there, absolutely stunned about the events that had just progressed in the last 2 minutes. And yes it was only 2 minutes. I had posted a status, (the background text said "2 minutes ago") and her comment on it had followed so quickly afterwards ("posted 1 minute ago" - said the background text).
I had posted a quote that I absolutely loved. From a post about her and I, from my blog. About our failed friendship. The conclusion of that post had been that I was happy where we were in our lives, and I had no intention whatsoever of pursuing a friendship with her again, as I'd realised we'd had our time together, and now we were going our separate ways. Like that often circulating email: reason, season, lifetime. I can never work out the difference between reason and season friends, but she was a reason-er/season-er to me.
Or so I thought.
And out of all the friends on facebook, the one person who immediately commented and "liked" my status, was her! Un-freaking-believable, the whole irony of it!
I had to let Hubbie know, and he read over my shoulder as I filled him in on what had just gone down.
So I was left with two questions, two scenarios.
Was this the Universe's way of freaking messing with me? Well no, this wasn't one of my questions, but the thought did cross my mind. My question actually was: was this the Universe's way of telling me to not give up? Was it telling me that our friendship was not over, not done, the story of our lives had not yet reached it's conclusion? I couldn't help but ponder all this, especially since I found the incident so remarkable that it couldn't possibly be put down to just 'coincidence.' Some wild coincidence I say!
Or, was it something else? Had I attracted her response, in line with The Secret philosophies that I so strongly live by now? I had been reading the post I'd written about our friendship during the day. I absolutely LOVED the quote I'd written at the end of it. I'd spent all day thinking about it as my facebook status, and then spent a good portion of that night excitedly telling Hubbie about it. Had I inadvertently attracted this situation, and her response, to me?
I thought for a bit, and then did the only thing I thought was right to do. Test it. I didn't really care what would happen, so the outcome would only tell me which of my theories was correct, with no love lost.
So I wrote on her facebook page, just a general comment like "how have you been anyway? a very very belated happy birthday, looks like you had fun!" (in reference to birthday photos she'd recently put up.
She responded quickly again, saying it had been a great night and asking how I was. I chose the opportunity to do what I'd never thought I'd do again:
"yeah things are pretty good. (-insert talk about being sick as a dog, blah, blah, blah-) Maybe we should have that catch up we spoke about last time, when things calm down a bit. Take care:)"
I did it. I never, ever, EVER thought I would initiate any sort of contact with her again. Not that I hated her. It wasn't like that. I was just over the whole angst of all the years of "oh how sad our friendship has come to an end" bullshit I'd grown so accustomed to. The liberation of knowing it was just meant to be helped me to look forward and not worry about all that anymore. Our friendship was meant to end. I think....
Look, I'm not being hopeful or anything. I don't really care, honestly. I have no need for her. I'm just curious. And playing a game with the Universe to see what will conspire.
She hasn't messaged back to my comment. Either she hasn't seen it, or she is thinking about it. Or, she may just ignore it. And in that case I will know it was just a random coincidental incident that occurred, that I had freakily attracted her response due to my mad excitement about the quote in the first place.
But if she responds, and positively......Well that will make me think. I'll have to really think. And ask myself if I'm ready to go down this path and allow her into my life, when I have such fantastic friends already. I just don't know if I want to do that.
And if we by some odd, weird, peculiar and random chance end up friends again.... .well I'll just be flabbergasted I think. I'll need to start circulating an email of my own, with an extra addition to the reason, season, lifetime friends......
The Lightning Friend.
You have a lightning friend when you are close for a long period of time, and then, for no apparent, clear reason at all, due to no wrongdoing on anyone's part, your friendship ends. It may be that your friend goes away. You may simply just grow apart. You may both just need time to yourselves, so that you can breathe on your own and become your own person, in your own separate times.
And then, when you least expect it, often when you believe your friendship is over and dead to you, it will return. It will happen in the most unlikely and unexpected manner; but believe it, it is real, it is true.
However, be aware: this form of friendship is quite rare, thus the name, The Lightning Friend. Once this person enters your life again, it is a significant moment: the friendship should be cherished, preserved, and not taken advantage of.
Because lightning rarely strikes twice.
LOL.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
When I was 14, I was right - Part 2 (The Elephant in the Room)
I often have a particular thought. This thought comes to me every time I find myself somewhere unexpected. In particular, if it's a place that, years earlier, if you had told me I'd be there, I would have said "Get out! No way!"
It was later on, after high school, in my early uni years, where I felt more sad, rather than upset, about the whole thing. About how it had ended. About how we had both eventually tried to patch things up over the years, to no avail, no response from the other party. It seemed we were out of sync: when one was ready to make up, the other wouldn't hear of it. And the funny thing is, it was all unspoken. We knew this, just because, we knew. We knew each other so well and knew what we were feeling, even without a word being spoken. Without a glimmer of any argument or ill word.
There was a point at which, I grew so saddened by the situation in retrospect, that although I wanted to catch up, the thought of calling her terrified me. I mean, 6 years had past, how would I know that she cared? Rejection is a powerful force, and it kept me from calling...but it didn't keep me from sending a birthday card.
I'd decided once again to use her birthday as an opportunity to reach out. I did send a card, just with a simple happy birthday message..... from me. I refrained from saying anything about the friendship, or suggesting a catch up, because I thought if she wanted it, she would call and say thanks, and therefore the conversation would probably naturally lead in that direction anyway.
However I never did get a phone call, nothing. I often wondered if she had moved house, or if the card got lost...... yeah, that makes you feel better doesn't it? Easier to believe that than to think the worst.
I ended up bumping into her a few times, funnily enough she came into the store where I worked casually, and although initially and totally shocked by the encounter, we both remained casual and made small talk. As if never had ever happened. But clearly it had. Or we wouldn't be partaking in small talk.
And I asked her: had she received my birthday card? It had been at least a year since then, and I had to know.
Her response? A coy smile, yes and a thank you.
Oh, it was all very well and good. Thank you for telling me all I had to know about what you thought of our once-friendship, and that you clearly didn't care. I shouldn't have been upset, it was better to know than to go on believing she cared. Because if she did she would have called and said a simple thank you.
But I just couldn't push it out of my mind. Unfinished business it was. And I truly believed that a simple incident, so many years ago, had stuffed up a fantastic friendship.
Years went on. Occasionally I had dreams. They would occur maybe every 6 months or so. Probably after I had thought of her, of the situation. But in every dream, we would end up friends again. Talk about dream fulfillment.
Life went on. Jobs, friends, came and went, and then life turned busy. I joined the social interactive network known as "Facebook" and shortly after that, life got even busier when I started planning my wedding.
And one day, while checking my inbox, I saw it. She had requested me as a friend on Facebook. Obviously, she had come across me, maybe through our mutual link to some groups, and decided to "add" me as a friend.
I'll keep the next part brief: a few messages went across, back and forth between us, blah, blah, blah, and we kept saying that we should catch up, but with, well life, it just didn't turn out. I got married and that was it.
Actually by that stage I was pretty much over it. I guess I hadn't admitted that fact to myself, but I was. I'd slowly, subconsciously, come to the realisation that, it wasn't meant to be. Regardless of how the friendship had ended and through what means, it clearly wasn't meant to be, despite random meetings and intentional phone calls and methods of contact. The universe clearly didn't want it to happen.
And why should I have wanted it to happen? I had fantastic friends in my life. In fact, two of my besties are truly my besties. I love them so dearly, and we have such a fun, loving and honest relationship, that really there seemed no need to actively pursue a friend, who I'd seen in the past, wasn't sure herself of what she wanted.
People change yes. But when your friends change, and you stay as is, finding the change difficult to accept..... well, in a life where I had the best friends anyone could want, I honestly didn't need to go back to that.
Funny how when you don't want things, the universe presents it to you..... "here.... do you want it? take it, take it!"
A few weeks ago, late at night after dinner at my parents, I had to make a quick stop at the supermarket to get some lunch meat for work the next day. I made my usual selection, and after standing in line, I proceeded to pay. It was then that I felt a soft tap on my arm, and I looked at my left to see who it was.
It was her.
My former, late, ex, call her what you will, my previous bestie.
It was a shock I tell you that much. After she paid for her own item, we spoke for a bit. It felt funny, surreal, more like something out of my dream. Two former friends bump into each other at the supermarket late at night, and end up making uncomfortable-but-trying-to-be-casual small talk, while the 15 year-old barely legal shop assistant continues to put items through for customers, wanting to finish his shift but simultaneously straining to hear our conversation.
We ended it quickly: she had somewhere to be, and we both left, through opposite exit doors of the supermarket. I felt relieved for the encounter to be over, but also, a bit sad. A part of me had thought: "you should have suggested a catch-up, it was the perfect opportunity."
But the more I thought about it as I drove home, with hubbie beside me listening to music, was that I was good. I was ok with things. I actually had no more of a need to want to mend things. To finish things that were unfinished, whether that be finish them in a good or bad way. I could leave everything as is, and accept life for what I had and what was, what was real. We were always going to be just small talk friends, despite our history, and I no longer cared. It wasn't in a bad way, I was just over it all. And I pondered this, and I was content about it, on the drive home.
Late that night, I received a text message on my mobile. I noticed the unknown number, and thought it was due to the fact that that week I'd messaged a whole lot of people about my upcoming birthday. Clearly I'd messaged someone who now had a new number. I was busy when I got the message, and so almost forgot to check until about half an hour later.
It was her. Again.
Proof of the fact that even before that night I was already over everything, was the fact that when I'd changed mobile phones and was reentering friends contacts into my new mobile, I 'd decided to keep her number out. I had even forgotten about that at first, reading her message, thinking "she has a new number....." then again distantly remembering my decision months earlier.
In her message, she made light of the fact that we'd bumped into each other, and suggested it was time for a catch up. After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing in our messages, we decided to catch up for coffee a few days later. I felt weird. I felt good, surprisingly so, as if my wish had come true way too late, but clearly not late enough, as I obviously still had these lingering incomplete feelings in regards to our fallen friendship, and the fact that I was pleased meant I hadn't totally given up hope. Or had I?
Finally, the day came. Not after days, not even after weeks and months. But at least a decade. Because that's how long it had been, since all of this happened. All of this confusion, not speaking to one another, all the frustration and anger. And we were actually meeting. It felt quite surreal.
Which is probably why the whole experience felt like I wasn't there. I felt oddly calm and relaxed. Part of it probably was due to the fact that we had known each other so well, that it was easy to slip into each other's lives again. But.... there was just something odd.
We sat, we drank tea, talked, caught up on each other's lives, work, relationships, holidays, family. I don't think there were any long silences, at least not long in terms of staring off into the distance trying to find a topic to speak of.
She was the same, but different of course. The years make you more mature in some ways, and I'm sure she thought that of me too. She was her same, friendly, talkative self. But more subdued. More grown up. As if she's gone through a bit. She mentioned something big that had recently happened in her life, with quite ease, which proves my theory.
I guess the main point of weirdness for us that night, was the elephant in the room. I'd thought about this elephant a lot, before our meeting that night, and wanted to confront that elephant with her. This wasn't just any normal elephant. I mean, this one was bright pink, had bells and whistles, a party hat, and a little white tutu. Quite extraordinary I must say. And the whole time, this elephant sat right next to us. Just watching, like a tennis match, as we exchanged light conversation.
And not once, throughout this whole meeting, did we acknowledge the elephant. Poor elephant, waiting there, just wanting to be talked about. It's almost 11 years old, and we didn't even mention it's upcoming birthday.
Ha.
Despite all the time we'd passed, neither was brave enough to broach the subject of what happened so many years ago. We both pretended that everything was cool. That we disappeared from each others lives quite easily, as if part of normal everyday life. I had wanted to bring it up so badly, bring up that glaring, waiting, anticipating elephant so much, but I just couldn't. It would have been too confronting too soon. I didn't know what was right or wrong, really. It was just too hard to confront all that, at an easy, catch-up-on-the-past-decade-of-our-lives-over-tea meeting.
So we finished our teas. And walked to our cars. And said we would catch up again, when she got back from her holiday.
And we got in our cars and drove off.
And I thought "next time, I'll bring up the elephant. At our next meeting it'll be more appropriate."
But, as I drove home, feeling quite normal about the whole night, I realised something.
I wasn't sure if I wanted there to be a next time.
I thought really slowly and carefully about this for the rest of the way home. Which brings me to my post title. When I was 14.... was I right?
This whole time I'd always thought that it was the circumstance surrounding our unofficial break-up, fuelled by our puberty enraged hormones and teenager natural-bitch-tendency that had created this whole mess. And now I was beginning to see that I may have been right all along. At 14 years, despite my raging hormones and mildly unreasonable anger, I could have had a moment of complete clarity, a moment where I could have forseen the future, which involved two friends, slowly growing apart due to different interests, their lives heading in two different directions. And I chose the opportunity for a not-so-clean break.
This realisation has really stunned me. Years of wondering "what if?" have now changed to "I may have been right all along." Right to leave things as they were. Suddenly seeing things differently, from a new perspective, after struggling so long to deal with what happened, is somewhat, liberating. Especially when you learn that despite the puberty blues, you were right.
I don't know. That's why I use the word 'may.' May have been right.
She's still on holiday as far as I know. There's been no contact since. Only time will tell whether our odd-meeting was due to the fact that it's been so long, and it will take time to get into each other's lives again: that is, our encounter was fated to be.
OR, whether it was just a culmination of the past decade, proving that some things, are just best left behind.
Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.
It was later on, after high school, in my early uni years, where I felt more sad, rather than upset, about the whole thing. About how it had ended. About how we had both eventually tried to patch things up over the years, to no avail, no response from the other party. It seemed we were out of sync: when one was ready to make up, the other wouldn't hear of it. And the funny thing is, it was all unspoken. We knew this, just because, we knew. We knew each other so well and knew what we were feeling, even without a word being spoken. Without a glimmer of any argument or ill word.
There was a point at which, I grew so saddened by the situation in retrospect, that although I wanted to catch up, the thought of calling her terrified me. I mean, 6 years had past, how would I know that she cared? Rejection is a powerful force, and it kept me from calling...but it didn't keep me from sending a birthday card.
I'd decided once again to use her birthday as an opportunity to reach out. I did send a card, just with a simple happy birthday message..... from me. I refrained from saying anything about the friendship, or suggesting a catch up, because I thought if she wanted it, she would call and say thanks, and therefore the conversation would probably naturally lead in that direction anyway.
However I never did get a phone call, nothing. I often wondered if she had moved house, or if the card got lost...... yeah, that makes you feel better doesn't it? Easier to believe that than to think the worst.
I ended up bumping into her a few times, funnily enough she came into the store where I worked casually, and although initially and totally shocked by the encounter, we both remained casual and made small talk. As if never had ever happened. But clearly it had. Or we wouldn't be partaking in small talk.
And I asked her: had she received my birthday card? It had been at least a year since then, and I had to know.
Her response? A coy smile, yes and a thank you.
Oh, it was all very well and good. Thank you for telling me all I had to know about what you thought of our once-friendship, and that you clearly didn't care. I shouldn't have been upset, it was better to know than to go on believing she cared. Because if she did she would have called and said a simple thank you.
But I just couldn't push it out of my mind. Unfinished business it was. And I truly believed that a simple incident, so many years ago, had stuffed up a fantastic friendship.
Years went on. Occasionally I had dreams. They would occur maybe every 6 months or so. Probably after I had thought of her, of the situation. But in every dream, we would end up friends again. Talk about dream fulfillment.
Life went on. Jobs, friends, came and went, and then life turned busy. I joined the social interactive network known as "Facebook" and shortly after that, life got even busier when I started planning my wedding.
And one day, while checking my inbox, I saw it. She had requested me as a friend on Facebook. Obviously, she had come across me, maybe through our mutual link to some groups, and decided to "add" me as a friend.
I'll keep the next part brief: a few messages went across, back and forth between us, blah, blah, blah, and we kept saying that we should catch up, but with, well life, it just didn't turn out. I got married and that was it.
Actually by that stage I was pretty much over it. I guess I hadn't admitted that fact to myself, but I was. I'd slowly, subconsciously, come to the realisation that, it wasn't meant to be. Regardless of how the friendship had ended and through what means, it clearly wasn't meant to be, despite random meetings and intentional phone calls and methods of contact. The universe clearly didn't want it to happen.
And why should I have wanted it to happen? I had fantastic friends in my life. In fact, two of my besties are truly my besties. I love them so dearly, and we have such a fun, loving and honest relationship, that really there seemed no need to actively pursue a friend, who I'd seen in the past, wasn't sure herself of what she wanted.
People change yes. But when your friends change, and you stay as is, finding the change difficult to accept..... well, in a life where I had the best friends anyone could want, I honestly didn't need to go back to that.
Funny how when you don't want things, the universe presents it to you..... "here.... do you want it? take it, take it!"
A few weeks ago, late at night after dinner at my parents, I had to make a quick stop at the supermarket to get some lunch meat for work the next day. I made my usual selection, and after standing in line, I proceeded to pay. It was then that I felt a soft tap on my arm, and I looked at my left to see who it was.
It was her.
My former, late, ex, call her what you will, my previous bestie.
It was a shock I tell you that much. After she paid for her own item, we spoke for a bit. It felt funny, surreal, more like something out of my dream. Two former friends bump into each other at the supermarket late at night, and end up making uncomfortable-but-trying-to-be-casual small talk, while the 15 year-old barely legal shop assistant continues to put items through for customers, wanting to finish his shift but simultaneously straining to hear our conversation.
We ended it quickly: she had somewhere to be, and we both left, through opposite exit doors of the supermarket. I felt relieved for the encounter to be over, but also, a bit sad. A part of me had thought: "you should have suggested a catch-up, it was the perfect opportunity."
But the more I thought about it as I drove home, with hubbie beside me listening to music, was that I was good. I was ok with things. I actually had no more of a need to want to mend things. To finish things that were unfinished, whether that be finish them in a good or bad way. I could leave everything as is, and accept life for what I had and what was, what was real. We were always going to be just small talk friends, despite our history, and I no longer cared. It wasn't in a bad way, I was just over it all. And I pondered this, and I was content about it, on the drive home.
Late that night, I received a text message on my mobile. I noticed the unknown number, and thought it was due to the fact that that week I'd messaged a whole lot of people about my upcoming birthday. Clearly I'd messaged someone who now had a new number. I was busy when I got the message, and so almost forgot to check until about half an hour later.
It was her. Again.
Proof of the fact that even before that night I was already over everything, was the fact that when I'd changed mobile phones and was reentering friends contacts into my new mobile, I 'd decided to keep her number out. I had even forgotten about that at first, reading her message, thinking "she has a new number....." then again distantly remembering my decision months earlier.
In her message, she made light of the fact that we'd bumped into each other, and suggested it was time for a catch up. After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing in our messages, we decided to catch up for coffee a few days later. I felt weird. I felt good, surprisingly so, as if my wish had come true way too late, but clearly not late enough, as I obviously still had these lingering incomplete feelings in regards to our fallen friendship, and the fact that I was pleased meant I hadn't totally given up hope. Or had I?
Finally, the day came. Not after days, not even after weeks and months. But at least a decade. Because that's how long it had been, since all of this happened. All of this confusion, not speaking to one another, all the frustration and anger. And we were actually meeting. It felt quite surreal.
Which is probably why the whole experience felt like I wasn't there. I felt oddly calm and relaxed. Part of it probably was due to the fact that we had known each other so well, that it was easy to slip into each other's lives again. But.... there was just something odd.
We sat, we drank tea, talked, caught up on each other's lives, work, relationships, holidays, family. I don't think there were any long silences, at least not long in terms of staring off into the distance trying to find a topic to speak of.
She was the same, but different of course. The years make you more mature in some ways, and I'm sure she thought that of me too. She was her same, friendly, talkative self. But more subdued. More grown up. As if she's gone through a bit. She mentioned something big that had recently happened in her life, with quite ease, which proves my theory.
I guess the main point of weirdness for us that night, was the elephant in the room. I'd thought about this elephant a lot, before our meeting that night, and wanted to confront that elephant with her. This wasn't just any normal elephant. I mean, this one was bright pink, had bells and whistles, a party hat, and a little white tutu. Quite extraordinary I must say. And the whole time, this elephant sat right next to us. Just watching, like a tennis match, as we exchanged light conversation.
And not once, throughout this whole meeting, did we acknowledge the elephant. Poor elephant, waiting there, just wanting to be talked about. It's almost 11 years old, and we didn't even mention it's upcoming birthday.
Ha.
Despite all the time we'd passed, neither was brave enough to broach the subject of what happened so many years ago. We both pretended that everything was cool. That we disappeared from each others lives quite easily, as if part of normal everyday life. I had wanted to bring it up so badly, bring up that glaring, waiting, anticipating elephant so much, but I just couldn't. It would have been too confronting too soon. I didn't know what was right or wrong, really. It was just too hard to confront all that, at an easy, catch-up-on-the-past-decade-of-our-lives-over-tea meeting.
So we finished our teas. And walked to our cars. And said we would catch up again, when she got back from her holiday.
And we got in our cars and drove off.
And I thought "next time, I'll bring up the elephant. At our next meeting it'll be more appropriate."
But, as I drove home, feeling quite normal about the whole night, I realised something.
I wasn't sure if I wanted there to be a next time.
I thought really slowly and carefully about this for the rest of the way home. Which brings me to my post title. When I was 14.... was I right?
This whole time I'd always thought that it was the circumstance surrounding our unofficial break-up, fuelled by our puberty enraged hormones and teenager natural-bitch-tendency that had created this whole mess. And now I was beginning to see that I may have been right all along. At 14 years, despite my raging hormones and mildly unreasonable anger, I could have had a moment of complete clarity, a moment where I could have forseen the future, which involved two friends, slowly growing apart due to different interests, their lives heading in two different directions. And I chose the opportunity for a not-so-clean break.
This realisation has really stunned me. Years of wondering "what if?" have now changed to "I may have been right all along." Right to leave things as they were. Suddenly seeing things differently, from a new perspective, after struggling so long to deal with what happened, is somewhat, liberating. Especially when you learn that despite the puberty blues, you were right.
I don't know. That's why I use the word 'may.' May have been right.
She's still on holiday as far as I know. There's been no contact since. Only time will tell whether our odd-meeting was due to the fact that it's been so long, and it will take time to get into each other's lives again: that is, our encounter was fated to be.
OR, whether it was just a culmination of the past decade, proving that some things, are just best left behind.
Life can be weird. It gives you things when you least want them, and tests you by taking away often what you think is dearest to you. However, life is at it's most unique when it shows you that you were right all along. I'll find out soon enough if this is the case for me.
Friday, August 28, 2009
When I was 14, I was right
I mentioned in my first post, that since my birthday I'd grown up and realised a few truths. One of those involved an old friend. Well, used-to-be-friend? Let me explain.
There was a girl, who years and years ago I was the absolute most, best, friends with. We were besties from primary school right up until early high school. About 7 years I'd say. We even survived moving schools and different friends. A fond memory I have, which I guess isn't a specific memory but nontheless, was us being in grade 1 or 2, and after spending the whole day together at school, still calling each other up at the end of the night to talk more. I mean, come on, how much do 7 year olds have to say to each other?
Then puberty came along. Well, call it puberty, call it growing up, changing, what you like. My side of the story is that I felt she was changing. In particular, a certain friend of hers, I felt was making her change, making her act differently, making her, not... her.
And I must admit. I was probably jealous. Upset by the fact that this was a new friend that she was hanging out with a lot. It didn't help that her new friend was quite frankly, a bitch. Yes, she was quite up herself and derogatory in her comments and general demeanour. So the story was, I didn't like her, or her influence on my bestie.
But I kept quiet. And instead vented in my diary. I'd kept a diary for years and loved the therapeutic benefits of storytelling my life. Much the reason why I've started blogging. Sadly I feel like I don't have time for old-fashioned diary writing in my life anymore, which is why the convenience of having a computer at work has helped me start blogging.
So one day, after an overseas trip I had taken with my parents, my bestie had come over so I could give her a low down on my trip, in particular any guy gossip that may have occurred.....?
I was still shy and old-fashioned. No I hadn't picked up while I was there, although there had been guy situations, but nothing like what she expected.
So I felt a bit of her disappointment, already in that short time of her visit. She was already "experienced" in the art of picking up, or that was how she portrayed it, probably due to her bitchy friend. So her stage of life was far advanced to mine, or that was how I was made to feel.
Anyway, I was going through my diary to jog my memory, recounting the holiday to her, when I was called for lunch. I remember this next moment clearly. We were both sitting on my bed. I left the diary on my bed. Unlocked but closed. It had one of those little locks which you needed a key to open, however the lock went around a metal hook, in order to keep the pages hidden and safe from being read. And I very clearly remember the book being slightly propped up by the hook, but it was still closed. I guess it's hard to envisage if you haven't had one of these diaries, but you get the picture.
And I walked away, leaving her alone in my room.
When I came back, 15 minutes later, I sat back down on the bed to continue my holiday recounting process. And noticed the hook part of the diary had "slipped." It was now not propping up the book's pages, the book was fully closed, with the hook slightly on the side.
This was not a hook that could move by itself. Even shuffling around on a bed could not move it. It had been moved.
Which only meant one thing. She had read my diary.
And I knew it. She was different. Quiet. Contemplative. Short answers, small conversation.
I didn't say a thing. Acted normal. I ended up walking her to her house, sussing out her body language. We said goodbye as normal. Said we'd talk again and catch up soon. And that was it.
That was the last day she was my best friend.
I thought about it that night. She had read my diary. Not only had she read it, invading my personal space and betraying my trust, but ironically, in doing so she had discovered MY betrayal of her. For within those pages I had had bursts of rage, both at her and at her friend. She would have seen this undoubtedly, on my "graffiti page" where I just wrote random thoughts and feelings as teens do on their school folders and pencil cases.
I know I could have called her. I could have confronted her about it, or I could have explained myself. But I chose to stay quiet. I didn't like the person she had become, and I was angry.
Days, weeks, months past. Not one of us made an effort to contact the other. A mutual friend of ours (well, more my friend, as she was my OTHER best friend, who went to her high school) spoke to her, and it seems the gist of it was that I wasn't calling, so why should she?
We were in a battle of who cared most to break down the stubborn barrier.
In fact, sadly, we never did make up. Our relationship remained as it was, unfinished, undefined, up-in-the-air. We hadn't even had a proper fight to warrant not speaking. I had chosen her betrayal, and also her changing personality, to just give up. She had undoubtedly chosen MY betrayal, to stand her ground. And so, a great friendship of 7 years, just disappeared.
There was minimal contact. On my birthday the following year, she contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. I said we should catch up in the next few weeks. But I never called her. And she took that as rejection. I wasn't ready, and the wounds were still fresh. I was still upset.
Then when her birthday came around, I was ready. I called to wish her a happy birthday, just as she had done for me the previous year. This time she said it: "We should catch up in the next few weeks, I'll call you."
I knew what that really meant. It was as if I could hear her inner voice speaking out to me over her audible voice, saying "stuff you, you can wait now."
And I was right, she didn't call.
But what happened years later? Something I never would've expected. A place I'd never have expected myself to be........ To be Continued
There was a girl, who years and years ago I was the absolute most, best, friends with. We were besties from primary school right up until early high school. About 7 years I'd say. We even survived moving schools and different friends. A fond memory I have, which I guess isn't a specific memory but nontheless, was us being in grade 1 or 2, and after spending the whole day together at school, still calling each other up at the end of the night to talk more. I mean, come on, how much do 7 year olds have to say to each other?
Then puberty came along. Well, call it puberty, call it growing up, changing, what you like. My side of the story is that I felt she was changing. In particular, a certain friend of hers, I felt was making her change, making her act differently, making her, not... her.
And I must admit. I was probably jealous. Upset by the fact that this was a new friend that she was hanging out with a lot. It didn't help that her new friend was quite frankly, a bitch. Yes, she was quite up herself and derogatory in her comments and general demeanour. So the story was, I didn't like her, or her influence on my bestie.
But I kept quiet. And instead vented in my diary. I'd kept a diary for years and loved the therapeutic benefits of storytelling my life. Much the reason why I've started blogging. Sadly I feel like I don't have time for old-fashioned diary writing in my life anymore, which is why the convenience of having a computer at work has helped me start blogging.
So one day, after an overseas trip I had taken with my parents, my bestie had come over so I could give her a low down on my trip, in particular any guy gossip that may have occurred.....?
I was still shy and old-fashioned. No I hadn't picked up while I was there, although there had been guy situations, but nothing like what she expected.
So I felt a bit of her disappointment, already in that short time of her visit. She was already "experienced" in the art of picking up, or that was how she portrayed it, probably due to her bitchy friend. So her stage of life was far advanced to mine, or that was how I was made to feel.
Anyway, I was going through my diary to jog my memory, recounting the holiday to her, when I was called for lunch. I remember this next moment clearly. We were both sitting on my bed. I left the diary on my bed. Unlocked but closed. It had one of those little locks which you needed a key to open, however the lock went around a metal hook, in order to keep the pages hidden and safe from being read. And I very clearly remember the book being slightly propped up by the hook, but it was still closed. I guess it's hard to envisage if you haven't had one of these diaries, but you get the picture.
And I walked away, leaving her alone in my room.
When I came back, 15 minutes later, I sat back down on the bed to continue my holiday recounting process. And noticed the hook part of the diary had "slipped." It was now not propping up the book's pages, the book was fully closed, with the hook slightly on the side.
This was not a hook that could move by itself. Even shuffling around on a bed could not move it. It had been moved.
Which only meant one thing. She had read my diary.
And I knew it. She was different. Quiet. Contemplative. Short answers, small conversation.
I didn't say a thing. Acted normal. I ended up walking her to her house, sussing out her body language. We said goodbye as normal. Said we'd talk again and catch up soon. And that was it.
That was the last day she was my best friend.
I thought about it that night. She had read my diary. Not only had she read it, invading my personal space and betraying my trust, but ironically, in doing so she had discovered MY betrayal of her. For within those pages I had had bursts of rage, both at her and at her friend. She would have seen this undoubtedly, on my "graffiti page" where I just wrote random thoughts and feelings as teens do on their school folders and pencil cases.
I know I could have called her. I could have confronted her about it, or I could have explained myself. But I chose to stay quiet. I didn't like the person she had become, and I was angry.
Days, weeks, months past. Not one of us made an effort to contact the other. A mutual friend of ours (well, more my friend, as she was my OTHER best friend, who went to her high school) spoke to her, and it seems the gist of it was that I wasn't calling, so why should she?
We were in a battle of who cared most to break down the stubborn barrier.
In fact, sadly, we never did make up. Our relationship remained as it was, unfinished, undefined, up-in-the-air. We hadn't even had a proper fight to warrant not speaking. I had chosen her betrayal, and also her changing personality, to just give up. She had undoubtedly chosen MY betrayal, to stand her ground. And so, a great friendship of 7 years, just disappeared.
There was minimal contact. On my birthday the following year, she contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. I said we should catch up in the next few weeks. But I never called her. And she took that as rejection. I wasn't ready, and the wounds were still fresh. I was still upset.
Then when her birthday came around, I was ready. I called to wish her a happy birthday, just as she had done for me the previous year. This time she said it: "We should catch up in the next few weeks, I'll call you."
I knew what that really meant. It was as if I could hear her inner voice speaking out to me over her audible voice, saying "stuff you, you can wait now."
And I was right, she didn't call.
But what happened years later? Something I never would've expected. A place I'd never have expected myself to be........ To be Continued
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