It's the Thought that Counts

I had a weird dream last night. Yes, you may say, another odd dream, what's new? Especially given the content of my most recent blogs. But I guess the content made it weird, I just don't get it.
So in the dream, my cousin Legs, who is currently planning her own matrimonial mayhems, was there with her sister. We'll call her Hair, if we haven't already given her a name. Hair says to me in the dream, in front of her sister Legs, and in front of their listening Mum (intimidating much?!) "can Legs borrow your wedding dress for her wedding, she's finding it so hard to find her own."

The operative words in this sentence are borrow your wedding dress and my reaction in the dream, is as you'd expect, quite similar to one I'd have in real life.

Unhappy and sad. I want my wedding dress to remain as my wedding dress, not someone else's! If anything, if anyone could wear my wedding dress, it would be my daughter if that situation ever arose and she wanted to. I think I even thought that in my dream. Also, I felt pressured in the dream, especially in front of Legs and Hair's mum, which is why in my dream I reluctantly agreed, although it was almost like a "I don't think it will work" agreement which was construed by them as a "she's coming around."

So I ended up bringing out my wedding dress, and it looked different to what it is in real life, it had shades of brown on it or something. And then, thankfully, luckily, the dress didn't fit on her. And here's the weird part again: it wasn't Legs trying on my dress for her wedding, it was her sister, Hair, who isn't getting married.... hmmmm or is she? Hair had actually reverted to her childhood self in the part where she tried on my dress in the dream, which is even more trippy.

I've been too busy recovering from being sick lately that I can't even be bothered trying to work out this dream and what it could mean. However, the dream did remind me of some closure I could provide regarding another matter concerning Legs and her upcoming nuptials, in the form of bridesmaid-ery.......

Yes, the matter of Legs asking me to be bridesmaid whilst under the influence and being highly emotional, and then pretending it never happened. That hilariously ridiculous matter is what I am speaking of.

I saw her a few months ago I think, at a family gathering, and we got to talking about her wedding, her wedding plans, what she had organised, and all things wedding related. I love talking about all that, having been through it, but also I love being able to help others going through the same process, as I know there is so much involved, and so much to think of that you could easily miss.

I had never planned to outright ask her who her bridesmaids were; I didn't want to put her on the spot and make her feel bad, make her feel like she had to explain herself to me. But I did want to put her at ease, regarding wedding talk with me, and I can't deny, I was curious about who her bridesmaids were, especially if one of them was my other cousin Fake, and whether Fake had managed to worm her way into the bridal party.

I think in asking her about her bridesmaid dresses, that's when she told me; it was almost like she breathed in, mentally braced herself and allowed herself to speak, and then she told me - I think she was a little nervous.
So she revealed her 3: her sister Hair (no surprise there) her best friend (again, good choice), and then.......
our cousin......... our much younger 14 year old, very sweet cousin.
I smiled and said, very sincerely "you've made some really good bridesmaid choices." And I meant it. I think I also commented on the fact that it was good they were all young, stressing the young part, as Fake is the older cousin, who at that other party ages ago, was pathetically trying to include herself in the bridal party without invitation.

So it is all good. I let her know she made a good choice with her selections, because honestly, I don't want her to feel weird about what happened, the invite, the unofficial un-invite and what-not. I'm happy for her. And I'm just happy knowing what I know: in her moment of not-thinking, of being relaxed, giddy and happy in her time of celebration, with no hesitation and totally uninhibited, she turned to me and said:
"Miss S, I want you to be my bridesmaid."
And that is enough. :)

Fake Chicken makes me tired and my stomach bloated

Yes these are my sentiments hours after I''ve finished my bought-lunch at work. I should have known better: I was eyeing off that meat in the Thai Chicken sandwich, and I REALLY should have known better than to trust the guy behind the counter. Of COURSE he was going to praise it and say it was the best sandwich since sliced bread was invented. Oh well.


Perhaps it doesn't help that today is a 43 degree day, and every time I step out to have a break from work, I come back in minutes later feeling even MORE tired and deflated, as if the weekend's heat, busy-ness and lack of sleep wasn't enough on it's own.

In reference to some of the stuff I mentioned in my last blogs......

Well on Saturday my bestie Red ended up coming over, just a spur of the moment thing. It was nice and I guess showed me what I needed to see and feel, which is that she cares, irregardless of where she spent her New Years Eve. And there was no mention of her boy being upset at anything I may have said (!) so that was good.

Saw my extended family yesterday, inclusive of talk-too-much cousin AND Legs, closely followed by Fake, as always. It was deflating for me once again to see them together, knowing that everything I've done for Legs over the years, with all the help, assistance and guidance I've provided in all aspects of her life, not to mention the fun and adventures we've had, is overthrown by a meddling cousin who only wants to be her bridesmaid in order to get closer to her fiance/family/every male relative she has.

So, I felt a bit sad, but I take comfort in one thing my mum said, something I truly believe in: the truth will come out in the end. If a person has bad intentions, there is no need to become "justice" and lay the law down on them. The Universe will do that for itself.

I've trusted in the Universe before and it has not failed me. So I need to stay focused and just let things unravel in their own time.

Back to work.

My ANGER Management - Part 1

I think there's something wrong with me.




That's what I was thinking a few days ago. Lately, I find myself in situations where I am so irritated/frustrated/angry by something said to me (usually be someone close to me mind you) that I end up just spitting back evil words at them, only to later feel slightly regretful, and embarrassed. I'm afraid I'm going to alienate everyone close to me, and I don't know why I'm acting this way.



Episode 1. I think this whole WAVE of negativity began about a month ago, at my nephews birthday party. My sister had decided to do the whole invite family and friends thing, so there was about 40 to 50 people there, easy.

Half way through the day, my older cousin, also a stirrer and shit-talker, yet somehow still entertaining and fun to be around ( I know, right? ) started saying to me things like

"so when are you having a housewarming party?"

"I wish I had your address so I could come to your house,"



and house-related things like that. It sooooo upset me. Why you may ask. Well months ago I had given that same cousin as well as the rest of my extended family, Hubbie and mine's new address, telling everyone they were free to come over. As for the housewarming, well we're busy enough as it is, and seeing as we plan to buy a new house soon, we'd rather do a big housewarming in the new house, as it will undoubtedly have more room to accomodate.



He was saying all this in front of a few of us, and he sooo put me on the spot, I could have wrung his neck. I went to Hubbie later and said "I give you full permission to stir the f*&^ out of him, he is totally shitting me," and explained to me what my dear old cousin was up to this week. I decided I would try and ignore him, until again, maybe half an hour later, he brings it up again, saying it loudly so this time Hubbie hears as well. There's more of a group now.



Hubbie spoke up, saying "ooooh, that's dirty," referring to the fact that this cosuin had our address and despite that was making us feel snobbish, like we didn't want him over. I was getting so fired up, and, almost yelling, I announced loudly "Cousin, stop talking shit, stop stirring the pot because you know the truth," and left it at that. He didn't say a word after, he and his wife left soon after because I think he was highly intoxicated.



Episode 2. I mentioned my cousin almost-pretty-much asking me to be her bridesmaid, and then not speaking of it again? Yes, that was my cousin. To be absolutely honest, I never expected her to ask me. So I wasn't counting on it. But I have some unleashed anger when it comes to her. I love her dearly, (we'll call her Legs) we get along so well. But it frustrates me when she constantly bags another cousin of ours, because the other cousin (who we shall call Fake) has tried to crack onto her fiance (then her boyfriend), when she knew that Legs was with him. Legs boyfriend was honest enough to tell her that, and ever since then she's been cautious around Fake, but hasn;t confronted her. So a lot of the time I end up listening to Legs bag Fake about being, well Fake. Funnily, Fake likes to spend a lot of time around Legs now, not really having cared before. Funny that.



Anyhow, I've had a strained relationship with Fake myself, for years now. She hasn't bothered to come to any functions in the last 10 years, and when I do see her, (albeit rarely) we all put on appearances, but she never tries to talk to me or find out about me, even though I have with her in the past. So now I don't even look at her. And I play her game when it comes to her.



Why upset then? Well, even before Legs got engaged and at her sort-of-engagement-party asked me to be (actually, TOLD me to be) her bridesmaid, I had a birthday party.

That was my first post. My first blog. And within that rant about birthdays not being the same anymore, and people not caring, is my rant within a rant about 'some people' choosing to go to their enemies birthdays, over going to the birthday of those they care about.

Yes, Legs went to Fake's birthday over mine, and actually lied to me about it. She told me she was going to stay at home because she couldn't get a ride into the city to my birthday, but at the last second she messaged me (after I asked her why she couldn't drive in herself), telling me that she was in fact going to Fake's birthday, because it was a 'Big One' and she'd feel bad not going to it.

All this a day after she spent a good amount of time bagging about Fake.

Liars and two-faced people, I don't understand. I realise if she had told me the truth, I still would've been hurt. But I would've known she'd been truthful, rather than deceitful.

Like this, things as they were, I was just MAD. And we never spoke about it properly. And it's been stewing in me since. She's not a bad person. I know she didn't mean bad. But she's extremely gullible, and I have no doubt all Fake had to do was give her a bit of a guilt trip about it being her 'big birthday' and all (of course it goes along with Fake's plan to keep Legs close to her, and Legs' boyfriend too) and Legs swayed without realising it.



After Legs' sort of bridesmaid invitation to me, a week later, we all saw each other again, including Fake. Of course as previously mentioned, Legs didn't say a thing about bridesmaids, however Fake once again was hanging exceptionally close to Legs, asking her all wedding related things. And I think my blood possible ran old when I heard Fake giggle to Legs, amidst wedding talk "when you put me as bridesmiad just make sure you pick a cute guy for me."



In that instant, I did not want to be bridesmaid. In fact, I immediately decided that if she ever did decide to formally ask me to be apart of her wedding, I'd have to decline if that Fake cousin of ours was going to be a part of it. I'd have to stand up for what I believed in, and I strongly believed that that was wrong.



I know Fake was just saying stuff. Throwing in hints because yes, she does wanna get close to Fake's fiance and his side of the family (surprise, surprise! guess what Fake they've all heard about your reputation!) which is why she wants to be bridesmaid. Legs has been laying low since, I havent heard a thing from her since then. I know she's working out bridal party stuff, so I won't be bothering her, I'll give her the decency to make a decision on her own merits. I actually have a spectacular dress to wear so I won't be worried! But if Legs turns to me and says "I've chosen Fake as one of my bridesmaids....."

I may just slap her out of protest and tell her where to go.



That's my second bout of anger problems.



Episodes 3, 4 and 5 will come tomorrow.