Glass half-full Gal

All I remember is that my last post was about something where I was trying to be funny and light-hearted despite the world-turning that’s been going on since the beginning of the year.

I know this because I remember writing it and thinking “liar Miss S., liar.”

I was trying to put up a bit of a front, in the midst of not knowing what to write, and how the hell to write it.

And the reason I don’t know what I last posted, isn’t just because there’s been so much time between then and now, but also because I write almost all of my posts in emails and word docs before actually posting. I’m actually not on blogger as I write this. I have this fear that the day I do write a post from the ‘New Post’ page that it will be some meaningful, monumental essay that will delete when the computer I’m on randomly crashes.

Random things. I both love them and hate them.

Random is the case in point as I think of how this all started.

I had holidays planned for Feb, and before resuming them I had such wonderful visions of what they would entail. Coffee, shopping, catch-ups with friends, and just general all-round happiness.

The first shock was in finding out about the deaths of the two guys I went to high school with. As much as it rocked my world, within days of writing the post about it and learning to come to terms with it, I was feeling better, and vowing to make my life and my existence an important one in light of how quickly things can change.

THEN.

We were all rocked when quite suddenly a very close member of Hubbie’s family discovered something horrible concerning his health. And my visions of holiday bliss, were quickly changed into accompanying Hubbie to the hospital on more than half the days I was away from work. In trying to remain discreet, let’s just say this is the fight of his life.

I hope I don’t come across as selfish or inconsiderate as I write this. I feel deeply, deeply sorry for the wellbeing of this member, and wish them full health as they struggle to regain balance and return to some sense of normalcy in their life. It will be a long battle, but we all remain positive that he will come out in the end a positive story, an inspiration to others.

It’s just that, there was a moment of… well it’s hard to say. I was annoyed. Not at him, not at the situation, but, in life.

I consider myself a highly organised, highly structured person. I know where all my shoes sit, exactly where all the plates and glasses go in the kitchen drawers, and if I see a book adjusted slightly on the bookshelf, I’ll ask Hubbie “did you read my Shakespeare book?”

I don’t try to be overly obsessive about these things, I’m just naturally an ordered person, and I like it when everything has its place, because I have a lot of stuff. I get it from my Dad, I’m sure. He did the whole army thing, so he knows all about discipline and order.

I was feeling highly frustrated. Not only were my holidays not how they were meant to be, all with getting up early, spending all day in the hospital and then returning home late at night, but there were other pressing matters getting to me. I wanted to finish my book, and had given myself ‘til the end of my holidays to do it. I said to myself, “I know this is bad, but I just have to keep going. Life will throw things at me. But I need to keep writing.”

And there were MORE pressing issues at hand, hopefully some of which I’ll be able to post about in months to come. I was being supportive to Hubbie, but I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment in thinking of all the things this year was meant to be, and suddenly realising that EVERYTHING had changed. It was extremely upsetting.

I know, I’m a bitch. The problem with being as self-aware as I am is that I step out of my body all the time and preview the things I’m doing in my life. And in this instance, I was stepping back and saying “you selfish, selfish person.”

And the problem was, not even the awareness of feeling the way I was helped me to get over it. It just made me more desperate, sad, annoyed and frustrated. The frustrated-ness was feeding the selfishness, and the selfishness was feeding the frustrated-ness. It was an ongoing cycle that I couldn’t seem to break.

Today, months later, the situation hasn’t changed much. Only time, facts, learning to cope with it and continuing to live life are the things that have helped make the situation… better? I wouldn’t say better, but we have the upmost positive attitude towards this life changing event, and truly believe things will get better and eventually get back to normal.

What do you do? You have to eventually go back to living life. Because life doesn’t wait for you.

I have learnt to cope with it. I think I needed a bit of time to just stew, whinge that “things weren’t meant to be like this” and go into a depression, in my path to accepting that this was now our reality. I’m totally used to it now, am aware that in life things aren’t always going to be perfect, and I’m just learning to move on and work around this thing without compromising the things I’ve always wanted to do.

I hope I don’t sound too horrible a person. I’m coupled with an infinite amount of empathy, but with it comes an unexpected dose of selfishness. It’s just me. I try to be better, but some leopard spots just don’t change.

As I got to terms with all that was going on, I kept going on with my life. As planned, I finished my book on the last day of my holidays, YAY! It was very exciting for me, and if I do say so myself, I had a couple of tears trickling down my cheeks from happiness. Writing and the entire creation process is an extremely emotional one. You put so much of yourself, your heart, soul and passions into it, that at the end you end up feeling completely overwhelmed by it all.

I’m currently in the process of doing my second draft, and I have two chapters left to go over. Then I will go and research those little bits and pieces that I have to add to the book, go over it a third time (more thoroughly than the second time but hopefully a bit faster!) and then I’ll consider myself kind of done :)

Towards the end of my holidays in Feb I did end up doing a bit of what I’d been craving for at the beginning: coffee, shopping and catch-ups. In fact, I had the best day out with my sister. I just love her so much. I’m not being biased either. She is, THE BOMB.

Later on as well, Red and I ended up going to the cemetery where our friends were buried. We found Wavy first, then after a bit more searching up and down the rows, we came across Seven. Because the burials were relatively fresh, the headstones hadn’t yet been put up, and standing where we were in front of Seven’s site, we could look in front of us about a row or two up, to see Wavy’s. They’d been friends, been in the same classes, the same school, and had died within months of each other. And were now buried within metres of each other too.

Red and I had a few moments just standing there in front of them. Just thinking. I said a quiet goodbye.

On top of that, there were two sudden deaths in amongst all of this, (well maybe one was not so sudden) on Hubbie’s side of the family. It’s just been one thing after another.

Despite the general gloom of this post, I feel things have been much better in the last few months than how I’ve expressed them to be here. Yes, all these things did happen, and yes, some were really bad, and some were really good. (We bought a new car too!)

It’s just the way you see things I guess. Despite how shit I felt earlier in the year, I’m a glass half-full type of gal. I look back at all that and go “well, you learn. Things change.”

And within weeks of all of it first going down, I turned and said to Hubbie “you know what? We’re going to be the ones to bring the sunshine back into their life. We’re going to bring to them the good news that’s been a long time coming. That’s our role in all of this.”

And I truly believe it is.

13

Often the number 13 evokes a sense of intense fear and danger by those who come across it in their everyday lives. The number brings forth images of black cats, women pinned to stakes, ladders, breaking mirrors and just a general feel of ominous doom. Whether you come across it in calculating finances, planning a party, or choosing a house or car, if something is suggestive towards this lowly-regarded number being the sum of whatever it is you're doing, chances are that at first sight of it you'll be running for the hills, far far away, along with the rest of herd.

I, usually, am part of this herd.

If we're looking at houses, I won't want one that has 13 in the address. With cars, I add up the numbers on the reg: if the total comes to 13, again, I consider it a bad sign. (Don't get me started on cars with three of the same number, the number that comes after 5 but before 7 - shudder).

I don't know why I tend to diverge from this number. I think over time I've just gone along with the flow and joined in with the rest of the hype about the number: I've actually heard that Italians consider it a lucky number. Growing up, Red had a bit of a fear about it, and she kept seeing signs of it everywhere: dates, the time, even the number of letters in her first and last name added up to 13. (Teenage girls have a lot of time on their hands).

Another friend I grew up with, got her first period on Friday the 13th. Faaaarrrrrrr. She was secretly rapt, I know, being a bit of a late bloomer and all, but I was just like "What? Friday the 13th? Of all days?!"

I've ended up having my birthday on the 13th a couple of times, just the way the dates worked out that year, and I can't say anything really horrible happened. But if given the option, I would always go for the other option, rather than outright choose something with 13 associated with it.

(I think the stories of my parents upbringing got me really superstitious and stuff too.)

However, I'm starting to see things differently. Today is a 13 number for me, and a great number at that.

Including today, I only have 13 more working days until I go on leave next month.

:-D! :-D! :-D!

YIPPEE for me! I am so excited. When I start preparing my to-do list of holiday stuff, I think I might spontaneously explode with the amount of items I will be potentially ticking off.

And because Hubbie isn't able to take holidays with me, as he has only recently started a new job, I will be on my own, getting lots of little bullshit jobs done. I'll be organising photos, cleaning windows, sorting through recipes and indexing them, throwing out old bills, EVERYTHING!

You think I'm crazy now don't you? You think I'm going to devote my time off to just cleaning the house? No siree!

I'm gonna be catching up with my parents, my sister, my cousins, my extended family, my friends, the works! On Hubbie's days off, we're going to go out and not come home until it's dark! I'm going to be watching my fave tv shows and movies 'til REALLY late at night, because I won't have work the next day! I'll be shopping, trying on dresses with Red for her wedding, going to parks, to the beach, eating out and most important drinking coffee and eating cake and ice cream!

!!!!!

I am going to do it all, whenever, however and wherever I like! :-D

Oh, and I almost forget. I'll be finishing off my book then too, you know that story I keep mentioning. Yeah......

:-D

Which brings me to another 13. I finished chapter 12 last night.

:-D :-D :-D

Movie Moments

The above is what I'm trying my best to focus on in my return back to work today after 2 weeks.

Like I've previously blogged, many many posts ago, it felt not only weird to be back at work today but also depressing. I know the first day back is always difficult, and it takes a while to get back into the everyday routine.
But I've had such a good time while on leave with Hubbie. Not just good, but great, brilliant, fantastic, fun, every wonderful and heart-warming, good times-explosive word you can imagine.

And it's not even like we went away very far, or for very long. Yes, we went away for a few nights for my birthday, with the rest of the time spent furniture/home furnishing shopping, whilst drinking coffees, going out to brunches and dinners, and going out heaps with our family and friends, with a good dose of drinking and partying to make things that extra bit awesome.

Having the time off with Hubbie was absolute bliss. We haven't had this much time off together since our honeymoon. And it was tooooooo good. Which is why I felt so depressed this morning.

Things did seem a bit weird, a bit off around the office this morning, however I can't quite put my finger on what the changes are, because everything looks the same. Except for the printer, that is different.

Again, in light of these strong feelings, my resolve to write and be my own boss is stronger than ever. Although I had a bit of writers block last week (is it writer's block when you can't find ideas, or you can't find the right words? Maybe both) I know I need to finish this story (I've finished chapter 9) and after finishing it, keep ON writing to develop more books, as not writing would be like killing these characters off in my head. And they definitely have a story that needs to be heard.

Also, coming back to work to learn that once again

hey you! yes you! you are going to be in charge again while your boss is away! YAY!

is not exactly love inducing. I wanted to come back to work and have it be all cruisy because I'm still in freaking holiday mode. I have my brother-in-law's birthday tonight, my bestie Blonde is visiting again from the U.S, and I want to ease into this thing. But no. Work has other plans doesn't it. And not only that, but people have to snap at me too, don't they, just for fucking asking questions and doing my job as opposed to slacking off and counting down the seconds like the complete idiotic incompetent wankers that they are (ahem, cough* no-show boy).

So, here I sit, breathing deeply, and thinking of my book. Of my success. How all this bullshit is going to make it so much more worth it one day.

I think back to brunch with my friends yesterday. Talking to Red about her engagement plans on the busy street sidewalk, while Blonde and our other friends wave at us through the shop window, pointing at bags and accessories. I think of Blonde walking up to us and enveloping us in a big group hug.

I think of Hubbie. My everything. I think of us walking around in random circles in over-commercialised shopping centres, drinking expensive coffee and getting excited about practically everything, all the while trying to focus on buying things for the home while getting constantly sidetracked from our over-hyped, caffeine-induced states. And then buying really expensive things at the drop of a hat just because we can :)

Those are the movie moments.

I think of lying across Hubbie and staring up at him, and this I struggle to think of in fear of tears trickling down my face, because I miss that so much. Yes I have that still, but I want it every day, not just end of day when we're all over the routine and work of life, tired and crap.

So that's why I've got to focus and push past the writer's block. Because I want it all. I can have it all, I know I can.

"Me, I want what's coming to me. The world Chico, and everything in it." - Tony Montana, Scarface.

I've been out, living my life....

....which is why I haven't been around to blog for AGES. I had 2 weeks leave, which I came back to work from yesterday. It was so nice. I tell ya, there are things you just don't do when you're working. No matter how much you will yourself to do things, and tell yourself you'll do it when you get home, once you're home, full of food and sitting on the couch, those little odd jobs just DON'T HAPPEN. And they pile up too.

So during my little hols, I got them ALL done. Well, bar one (the one involving organising all our home DVDs and labelling them and then putting them in this really cute box I have!) but still, almost ALL done. Including teaching myself how to sew buttons back onto my tops/dresses. I know! Legend! :-D

The best thing about it was, as well as get all those little-itty-bitty things done, the holiday felt REALLY long, in a good way.

So much so that when I came in to work yesterday, I felt like I'd been away forever. Things felt different. They looked different, maybe due to the fact that the maintenance people here did manage to move stuff around in my absence, freaking me out upon my return into our department. But more importantly, I felt different. I just had this weird sense, that I was over it. I was ready. This voice inside me said "you have to get out of here." Which is ironic considering I had wanted to be in this place for so long before. But clearly, there was now something else pulling me away.

The writing.

Look, it may have been a bad case of Monday-itis. The whole returning to work after leave thing, can leave you feeling rather down. Maybe it was the fact that the furniture had moved, my notes were missing, or the fact that no-show boy when walking in said "Welcome back to hell."

Nice huh?

Maybe it was his partially subdued depressive angst at seeing my still-wavering happiness at having been away.

Maybe it was Kitty, once again, proving her will against mine in a work-related discussion, and in her narrow-mindedness, refusing to see any view but her own, therefore insulting my intelligence with her ignorance.

Maybe it was Densley's absence, as after all, he is the rock in our little family.

But today, I'm still having that lingering feeling. It's as if I've learnt something during my time away, and now that I have this knowledge, there's something in me saying it's time to move on. I don't know what it is. It's really hard to put my finger on it.

Maybe it's the fact that my grand-daddy boss told me so long ago, that he wanted me to keep learning, in order to become somewhat of an 'understudy' for my boss. Perhaps that knowledge is making me tense, keeping me under pressure, and willing me to move on. I'm instinct-ed to flight, rather than fight.

So many answers to my question, yet none seem to fit.

However, me seems to think something else.

Since I have officially decided on my future path, that of a writer, I have been following through on my resolution by reading books about writing fiction, figuring out my story ideas and characters, as well as writing out a reading list, which I will no doubt add to throughout the year (which I will put up on my blog shortly), in order to improve on my writing skills/techniques/foundations, and all these little changes, however unsignificant at this early stage, yet still influential in the road I will ultimately take, are already in effect and changing my future. That's why I feel out of place right now. Because I'm in the midst of travelling to another place already.

I know. Trippy stuff.

You know what? I'm not hanging shit on no-show boy anymore, with his too-often breaks at work, arriving late yet leaving the same time as everyone else. Not only has he improved considerably in his attendance and work ethic, but this morning he agreed with me that Kitty's arguments against mine yesterday were immature and stupid.

So if he does anything now to contradict his gradual move towards good work employee record, I will make sure I have my rose-coloured glasses on first, so as not to pass judgement. :)

Anywho, this started as about me, right?

I told Hubbie last night "If anything, that voice that told me today that I need to get out of there, that's gonna motivate me even MORE to be a successful writer."

"Then do it." With a glint of 'show me' in his eyes.

You bet I will.