Yowza

Wow. So I haven’t written in a LONG time.




I lie. I write heaps, I just haven’t written in here.



I think it’s time for a bit of a catch-up post, don’t ya think?



So life apparently, is getting better. Who am I kidding, it most definitely is. Some things I’m unable to divulge just yet (quite amusing since this is an anonymous blog) but I can say that

a) I won a competition (which helped with the red light camera fine I received)

b) family members who were sick, well are sick, appear to be getting better, and we are very hopeful (fingers crossed) that they will continue getting satisfactory and positive results

c) and in the month leading up to Red’s wedding, it was a massive reunion with all our friends, including Blonde (yes, it appears she gave up on her stubborn stance, in my opinion anyway – listen to her reason for attending “it just worked out with work” LOL)



Following the wedding Hubbie and I went away, and now we’re looking forward to the year of 2013. I’ve never been keen on the number ‘13’ yet it seems life has other things in store for me, wanting to turn my perception of the number into a REALLY good one. Watch this space.



There’s nothing quite like cracking it at someone who you have confused or unresolved feelings about. This happened at Red’s wedding with Blonde. Hubbie was paying her a lot of attention, and hugging her and talking to her, and I was getting peeved because I felt like when I was talking to her, she was being quite flippant about it. This continued for a couple of hours, until I cracked and said in front of her and Hubbie “Blonde has her own friends tonight,” referring to the table she was at.



Now let me get things perfectly clear: I have no issues, no jealousies whatsoever when it comes to Hubbie showing affection to the people I love most: this most particularly includes my sister, Red and Blonde. In fact, it fills my heart with such joy when I see these people getting along with Hubbie so well, that I feel as if my heart might burst. I love it sooooo much, it makes me so happy. But it was the fact that he was giving her attention, and I felt she wasn’t me, that I said the above remark with very much intended and directed malice. No subtlety there.



And, I’m one of those ‘nice’ people. I hate the word, but it’s the only way to explain. You know those people who never crack it? Well I do crack it, however quietly, and not directly at people. So if in the rare circumstance I have a go at someone, a close friend who knows me so well, I suspect a part of them cries internally.



I don’t mean to brag, but it’s just how it is, and I saw it in Blonde’s face and how it changed so much when I said it. Hubbie went “ooooh,” and I danced away, as you do at a wedding, but with my insides raging.



I later felt the true meaning of guilt and foot-in-the-mouth syndrome when I spoke to a close friend of Blonde’s. In talking about how we need to catch up, she mentioned how she had said to Blonde “I hope Miss S isn’t upset how I haven’t made an effort, I’ve been so busy,” to which she told me Blonde replied with “no, Miss S is so sweet she can’t get upset.”



Insert massively uncomfortable rock in centre of stomach.



I felt so bad. Blonde perhaps had her own issues that day; she was back in the country, having to deal with family issues even as she was at the wedding, and maybe was feeling a little envious that I was such a huge part of the bridal party, and she wasn’t. Maybe she had her own things going on.



I went to visit her at one stage at her table, and kind of, not really casually, but in a way so as not to get too deep into it, I said “I’m sorry about before, what I said, just forget it.”



She went “why? What happened? Why were you upset?”



I tried to brush it off, saying something like “don’t worry.” I was too ashamed to go through the real reasons; I felt too selfish to say ‘I feel like you don’t care about me’ when she had so much going on. Her behaviour following that was immaculate. Not to say you should crack it at your friends just to get them to pay attention to you, but she proved to me how much she does care, with remarks like “and this was here at your wedding, and I remember this, and that” etc and etc. She remembered things I didn’t. I felt touched, yet so bad for what I’d abruptly said.



She continues to send me messages from overseas, with things like “I bought you this. One for me, my sister and you.”



I see what you’re doing Blonde. I see.



My writing project has temporarily stalled. My first writing project. Intentionally I might add, which makes it acceptable I think. I’ve decided it’s inappropriate sending out a synopsis with chapters and all the bits and bobs to market the book, to prospective agents when it’s the yuletide/holiday season. So I’ve deliberately put it on hold until after Christmas, (which is now) but I’ve given myself the deadline of about 2-3 weeks into Jan by which to have it sent by, to the initial agent who showed interest if I reduced the word count.



Oh that. Yeah I didn’t get to reduce it by much. (very little, shh) But I figure she can’t tell that from the first 3 chapters.



Oh, and I still drink coffee. Like now. Hence my randomly impromptu post. I’m out.

Coffee makes me go freaking insane

(Sing along to UB40s ‘Red Red Wine’)




Rich, dark, coffeeeeeee



Goes to my headddddd



Makes me believe that I



Can conquer the worldddddddd…



This is so true. It is Friday morning, I have my coffee sitting at my right, conveniently next to my mouse so that instead of getting back to work I can just reach out and take in some warm and inviting goodness instead. Puh, work. On a Friday? Whatever.



Coffee is natural, coffee is fun, coffee is best when it’s ‘One on One.’



Ok so I’m quoting George now, but really coffee IS natural, and it IS fun! And for the other, well of course…



I’m rambling now, I know. I’m psycho like this. I believe my Friday morning coffee increases my focus and heightens my work efficiency by about 40%. A shame that the only work I do is actually not work, instead my various writing projects.



(I have this post, I have another post in the back of my mind, and I have another journal post to write… ahh! The words are coming at me and I have to get them down!)



Yes. I believe my word frequency increases by approximately 30% after a feel-good caffeine kick-start. I have no research to support these statistics, only my mad mind estimating.



Despite all this extra efficiency and keen alertness, I couldn’t for the life of me work out a math riddle this morning. And my simple equations, I freaking know, my friend:



A work colleague asked me to buy him a muffin from the café where I buy my cappuccino from. My regular coffee is $3.40. He gave me $5.00. When I bought the muffin and coffee, the guy said he’d give me the special price (of course) of $5.00. First I thought, ‘just the muffin?’ until I realised he meant BOTH, combined. That IS special.



So my task was to calculate the muffin price, right, to give my work colleague the correct change back. So $5.00 - $3.40 (being the price of my muffin, so far so good) = $1.60. No! $3.40 being the price of my coffee, damn it!

Ok so if his muffin cost $1.60, $5.00-$1.60=…$3.40. Fuck me. I gave him $1.60. I couldn’t freaking work out the equation standing there half an hour ago with my coffee warming my head. I mean my hand. (Argh) On paper it makes sense…



Ahh! I didn’t even do that right. I gave him $3.60, not $1.60. See? Even then I overpaid him 20 cents. Whatever man, whatever…



I’m so fucking confused right now. Even putting it on paper doesn’t make much sense.



See what coffee does? It makes me right, like all good, and makes me forget my math’s shit…



(The above were two obvious deliberate spelling/grammar mistakes, like duh, like as if I would ever… :) )

Monday Morning Brilliance at its absolute Mother F&^@ing best

I’ve just come back in to work after 2 weeks of glorious and relaxant mind-altering leave, to THIS:




Annoying prick (who I refuse to grant with an esteemed Miss S. blogger nickname because I hate to even think about let alone speak, or write about him) is up to me within minutes before I’ve even logged in and started previewing my 600 + emails, whining about fixing his shit work which he is incapable of even attempting to learn after his 20 years here.



Fellow no-show boy has called in sick. Notified via email.



And here I find myself doing work and fixing other people’s business before I’ve had a chance to finish my coffee.



How things don’t change.



But it’s ok, as Tony Montana says. It’s ok.



“Back to reality, if only temporarily, because everyone deserves to live their permanent fantasies...”

Imagination can drive you to Insanity

I’ve come to a very unhealthy conclusion. My imagination is both my greatest strength as it is my Achilles heel.




I haven’t been writing creatively (as in story book writing) for a couple of weeks, as I try to leave my work alone, letting it stew in my head as I continue to get slow trickling feedback on my book via the few people who are actually reading it (more on that later). Apart from my blogging and other journaling, this removal from writing and thinking about my characters, the absence of being in their world and constantly thinking up inventive ways to make the work interesting, has given me TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK. Waaayyyyy too much time. And it’s not good. Not good at all.



Shit happens when I think too much. I over-analyse. I create bullshit scenarios in my head that aren’t true. I imagine how much better my life can be, when there is actually no problems in it (minus Motor-Mouth – there’s a name you haven’t heard in a while – but I’m just learning how to completely ignore her shit so all is relatively good there).



Just last week, I was talking to Densley on our morning coffee walk, and he mentioned a FB status of mine where I mentioned something about finding myself. He said to me “why would you be upset? You’ve got everything anyone could want in life!”



He completely stumped me there. Both for his frankness, and for apparently knowing me, or perceiving my life better than I was doing myself. I replied with a smile “maybe one day we can talk about it, I’ll tell you then.” Of course I was referring to my book, my upsets over work, and other projects Hubbie and I have going on in our personal life at home, but I didn’t wanna tell him that, as it’s all very private right now.



Yet I felt such a sudden awareness, a selfishness overcome me with his words, and I had to think “am I creating elephants out of ants as I usually do?” Am I really upset for no good reason at all?



It’s my freaking head. I need to write. I’ve had so many creative stories running through me for over a year now, that upon completion and failing to continue to use that now-trained part of my brain, I’m finding myself looking to create dramas and angst in my own life, when there is no reason to. There is no need to, but try telling the overused part of my head that, the part that like your mother wants to cook for you even when you have moved out of home.



The findings? Well I need to try and stop thinking, or start channelling these creativities into my next book, before I completely screw up my life and everything in it with my magical fixed-ness to unbroken things. I have sent off an email today to a prospective agent (everyone is prospective to me) hoping that they will like what I tell them about my story and ask to see some at the very least of my manuscript. I’m putting off checking my email for a response for as long as possible, trying not to get far ahead of myself. Maybe I should be putting my energies into writing up a good synopsis. Yet the thought terrifies me. Shudder.



On a partially connected note, I have been completely blown away by my sister’s response to my story. She is one of the busiest people I know, and I’m grateful just for the fact that she has agreed to look at it. But no, she’s gone further. She’s already read 3 chapters and is constantly giving me chapter by chapter feedback, despite her unyielding manic family schedule. And she likes it, she actually likes it, and no, she wouldn’t lie to me.



My sister is giving me what I thought Red would. As besties, Red and I have been inspiring each other about our respective passions for over a year now. It took her a week to actually pick up my manuscript and start reading from the day I actually gave it to her (she messaged me on Friday night when she said she turned the first page) yet I haven’t heard a thing from her since. I absolutely refuse to message her and ask what she thinks, in a kind of fear of what she’ll say, but I also feel it’s not up to me to say anything. I just can’t believe she hasn’t: this is so unlike her. I completely expected her to be all like “it’s good” if not “I love it!” but nothing. Is it that shit? Has she been busy? Did she start reading and then have to stop, and doesn’t want to give feedback on the first chapter until she’s finished it? But she would have messaged me that that was what’s happening! That’s the confusing thing!



It’s been going round and around in my head all weekend, and even Hubbie agrees it’s weird of her not to messaged me by now. She’s not the jealous type, and she has been so supportive through all of this, excited for me, telling me “I can’t wait to read it Miss S.!” And now… NOTHING! Nothing at all! I’m sticking to my guns and refusing to message her, and I will hold out for a long time (until I need to get my hair coloured which will be about a week and a half from now so until then I can’t message her…)



My sister and Red have had a complete role reversal. I didn’t expect my Sis to give me as much feedback as she has, and to be so enthusiastic as she has been because of how busy she is, and yet she has. At least I’m getting SOME positive feedback…



And then my other bestie, Blonde – I don’t even KNOW where in the world she is. I love her to bits, but I think she’s travelling somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know where or for how long. I want to tell her about finishing my book and catch up on her life, and she’s virtually in-contactable. (Apparently that’s not a word, but screw it).



Both my besties are MIA. And I have a head full of imagination to contend with. Just great.

WOW.

So yesterday I was all pathetic and shit, but today I've turned over a new leaf. It does not fail my notice that although I try to live my life in the highest regard and in line with the law of attraction, that I still have monumental DOWN days. I think the fact that I do try so hard to better my life, that it indeed causes these seriously depressing moments. When I'm high, I'm flying, and when I'm down, well.... I won't finish that.

Also, the fact that I get up so early during the week, leaves me feeling drained: even though I feel it physically, the emotinal side takes it toll. Does it ever. By the end of the week I can be crabby, over-sensitive, and finding fault in the smallest of things. Like the last couple of days.

When a few things don't go to plan, or when a few things get to me, they combine into a rolling ball of moss, accelerating down the steep hill of my brain, until finally, when it hits the bottom with a large bang, I end up broken. Completely broken, shattered, and in a deep ditch of dirt.

But, aided today by my true and trusted friend 'proper coffee' I am definitely looking up.

:)

Just send Hubbie this message: "Hi, I'm Miss S (group says 'Hi Miss S') and I have a coffee addiction."

I'm a bit whacked out today, being a Friday and all. As you can probably tell.

So I'm here to talk positive, and to put a bit of perspective on something I mentioned yesterday.

So yes. I didn't ask for a pay rise. I didn't prepare myself, the night before it I had other heavy things on my mind, and it led to me feeling completely unprepared for the work review I had. I'm not usually like that, I'm super-organised, and like Hubbie coached to me last night, I have to learn from the experience.

Yes I will learn. I guess it's just hard because I'm not even sure what was the right thing to do: to ask or not to ask? That IS the question. However I have to believe that I did the right thing, and if not, that I will get another opportunity at monetary rewards, if not through this work, then through another (hint, hint, clears throat loudly 'ahem, book *cough* my story *cough*).

:)

And one more thing. What I was supposed to talk about yesterday.

I get cranky at times, when I notice people staring at me. It just really annoys me. Sure, look, glance around. But don't continue to ogle me, or to totally stare me down into a hole as I walk on by. I don't care what the reasons are, I find it rude and slightly intimidating to know someone is totally giving me the once over.

Though a couple of mornings ago, walking to work 6:30 in the morning, I saw two tradies approaching me from the other side. I knew how I was dressed, and knew that it may get some notice. I wasn't dressed inappropriately or anything, but you know when the clothes you wear portray a certain look? Anyway, I kepy my eyes straight ahead as I walked on by, being careful not to make any eye contact, because hey, you can't encourage them in anyway. Who knows what might happen then.

Even though my eyes were forward, I could see them looking at me as they walked past. And I heard from one of them, lowly, "Wow."

Wow. I thought about it some more as I kept walking, wondering whether I was upset at being ogled at again. But you know what? I took it for what it was, as a freaking damn fantastic compliment. WOW. I think that's one of the best compliments ever. One word, so simple. Wow.

As I said to Hubbie, when I'm pregnant one day, I'm sure I won't have guys whistling, tooting their car horns or making remarks about me when I walk by, so I'll take all the Wow's I can right now.

I'm going to take it in, and appreciate it as much as possible.

What a wonderful, brilliant, spectacular, mood-lifting, heart-warming post to get me into the weekend :-D

WOW!

Movie Moments

The above is what I'm trying my best to focus on in my return back to work today after 2 weeks.

Like I've previously blogged, many many posts ago, it felt not only weird to be back at work today but also depressing. I know the first day back is always difficult, and it takes a while to get back into the everyday routine.
But I've had such a good time while on leave with Hubbie. Not just good, but great, brilliant, fantastic, fun, every wonderful and heart-warming, good times-explosive word you can imagine.

And it's not even like we went away very far, or for very long. Yes, we went away for a few nights for my birthday, with the rest of the time spent furniture/home furnishing shopping, whilst drinking coffees, going out to brunches and dinners, and going out heaps with our family and friends, with a good dose of drinking and partying to make things that extra bit awesome.

Having the time off with Hubbie was absolute bliss. We haven't had this much time off together since our honeymoon. And it was tooooooo good. Which is why I felt so depressed this morning.

Things did seem a bit weird, a bit off around the office this morning, however I can't quite put my finger on what the changes are, because everything looks the same. Except for the printer, that is different.

Again, in light of these strong feelings, my resolve to write and be my own boss is stronger than ever. Although I had a bit of writers block last week (is it writer's block when you can't find ideas, or you can't find the right words? Maybe both) I know I need to finish this story (I've finished chapter 9) and after finishing it, keep ON writing to develop more books, as not writing would be like killing these characters off in my head. And they definitely have a story that needs to be heard.

Also, coming back to work to learn that once again

hey you! yes you! you are going to be in charge again while your boss is away! YAY!

is not exactly love inducing. I wanted to come back to work and have it be all cruisy because I'm still in freaking holiday mode. I have my brother-in-law's birthday tonight, my bestie Blonde is visiting again from the U.S, and I want to ease into this thing. But no. Work has other plans doesn't it. And not only that, but people have to snap at me too, don't they, just for fucking asking questions and doing my job as opposed to slacking off and counting down the seconds like the complete idiotic incompetent wankers that they are (ahem, cough* no-show boy).

So, here I sit, breathing deeply, and thinking of my book. Of my success. How all this bullshit is going to make it so much more worth it one day.

I think back to brunch with my friends yesterday. Talking to Red about her engagement plans on the busy street sidewalk, while Blonde and our other friends wave at us through the shop window, pointing at bags and accessories. I think of Blonde walking up to us and enveloping us in a big group hug.

I think of Hubbie. My everything. I think of us walking around in random circles in over-commercialised shopping centres, drinking expensive coffee and getting excited about practically everything, all the while trying to focus on buying things for the home while getting constantly sidetracked from our over-hyped, caffeine-induced states. And then buying really expensive things at the drop of a hat just because we can :)

Those are the movie moments.

I think of lying across Hubbie and staring up at him, and this I struggle to think of in fear of tears trickling down my face, because I miss that so much. Yes I have that still, but I want it every day, not just end of day when we're all over the routine and work of life, tired and crap.

So that's why I've got to focus and push past the writer's block. Because I want it all. I can have it all, I know I can.

"Me, I want what's coming to me. The world Chico, and everything in it." - Tony Montana, Scarface.

Engagements and Weddings are coming out of my ar - .... ahem, behind

I couldn't sleep last night, lying in bed for a whole 2 hours after turning off the lights. It may have been the two coffees I had yesterday, or the fact that I slept in because we had a massive Saturday night.
Or it could have been because I was counting all the upcoming engagements and weddings we have coming up.

It's all very exciting, I must admit. In the past when we've had weddings/engagements galore, it's generally been more of Hubbie's extended family, and so although we've enjoy ourselves like we always do at parties and stuff, it is nothing compared to when you are supertight with the people there.

A month ago a close friend called to tell me she's engaged, and only a week ago Red called on her return from a holiday with Mr Wine to tell me he'd proposed. I was screaming into the phone and trying to hold back tears of happiness. SOooooooooooooooo happy :-D :-D :-D

Last night Hubbie and I were on the couch, when his best mate started messaging him. Turns out his wife's bro is getting married, and the girl is also extended family from Hubbie's side. We know the couple from both ends! That is also super-duper exciting, as we get along really well with Hubbie's best mate and wife, and we can't wait to party it up with them at the wedding.

So last night instead of counting sheep, I was counting all the weddings and engagements we have coming up. Here it is:

Red's engagement in September
My other friend's engagement in October
Definite wedding in late October - friend from school.

Those are the definites. The maybe's:

Hubbie's best mates wifes bro - maybe engagement this year
Another family member on Hubbie's side - maybe wedding later this year
Then I have 2 cousins, both who are getting married, but I don't know when = 2* possible weddings later this year.

THEN:

Next May is definitely my other friend's wedding.
Red is thinking early 2013 for her wedding.
And of course any maybe's that didn't follow through this year, including Hubbie's best mates wife's bro who will most likely get married in the following year.

Phew! So many maybe's it's doing my head in,. What I do know is there are going to be a lot of engagements and weddings in the next couple of years. Who am I kidding, when the engagements and weddings stop, the christenings and 1st birthdays begin........

:-D