Humans are a truly odd race. We strive for ideal lives, aspire to the best in everything, and seek constant perfection in a clearly imperfect world. Our world is flawed indeed. We are a perverse race. We watch the despair and destruction shown to us by the news every day, our ears perk up at the slightest information of someone’s dramas and unhappiness, and we slow down to observe the wreckages that are smashed-up cars on the freeway.
Sometimes we’re lucky and the nightmares we view are far removed from us, as if we are watching them on a television screen or at the movie theatre. We are made a distant observer by our not-knowing the person involved, and ignorance to the situation at hand, unable to really comprehend the pain and anguish that the ‘other’ must be feeling. It becomes a real life play, but one that we can easily turn away from: from our computer screens, our radios and our tvs.
Although we may appear a confused and twisted race, we are nonetheless less perverse than some. Some are so sick and bitter, that their actions are hard to understand from a living point of view. It’s because these people’s motives and actions are so warped, so different and hostile from anything we’ve ever experienced, that we can only understand them from a ‘movie’ point of view. It can only be something out of a movie, we say. But unfortunately in many cases, it is not. It is real, and we are living it, living next door to and walking by these people every single day.
My predilection for horror movies and scary stories has been around for as long as I can remember. From my Mum and Dad’s stories about the mystery that surrounded them when they were young, I have always had a strong fascination for the unknown. I would watch ‘Australian’s Most Wanted,’ and ‘The Extraordinary,’ and then take flying, running-up leaps into my bed, in fear that standing too close to the foot of it would result in some unknown stranger/creature, grabbing me and taking me away to an unknown land of horror.
Stranger. Creature. Kind of one and the same when you think of what they can do.
This fascination has endured my whole life, and though I consider myself turned ‘soft’ with age, seemingly unable to watch a movie at the cinemas without covering my eyes at any footage of dark corridors, ominous shadows and rising, pitching, leading-to-something inevitable music, I am still drawn into this dark world. Angel remains one of my favourite shows of all time; I’m reading Dracula at the moment: yet it scares me. Maybe it’s the adrenaline that comes with the fear; maybe it’s the search for continuous drama. The thrill that comes after the fact is so terrifying at times, and yet I keep going back for more.
As much as these things both scare and thrill me, I’ve been fortunate: I don’t have nightmares, as such. I add these two words because I never dream about witches, ghosts, vampires or anything that’s really after me: as such. I add these two words again, in contradiction to the above, because lately, things have changed.
Sydney Road has changed. Melbourne and its people, and the characters in it, are showing their true dark colours. And its seeping into my dreams at night.
Up until just weeks ago, I didn’t really have vivid nightmares. My earliest recollection of one was probably when I was about 11 years old, of a weird animal-like creature chasing me into my house, and I remember in the dream furiously trying to get my key into the front door and open the door before IT could get to me. My neighbour was with me, and I remember it chased her down the street to her house too.
Days later when I went to her house, I discovered she had had her appendix removed. Upon review of my earlier dream, and with the information that I had been in hospital recently with the intent to get my appendix out, but it hadn’t happened due to certain recent pubescent ‘discoveries,’ I was able to deduce that this creature had ‘gotten’ her, so to speak, but not me. I was able to escape the appendix fairies.
Ever since then I’ve paid a massive amount of attention to my dreams.
If I ever had a bad dream, it was more of an eerie feeling, rather than anything actually happening. A weird lady would be cackling at me, or someone would be watching me. But there was never any fight, struggle, chase, or horrifying monster coming to get me from the shadows.
But you don’t need to dream about it for it to be real. Sometimes the monsters manifest and come for you in real life.
Last week, when the news came out that a Melbourne woman, 29 year old Jill Meagher, had been reported missing by her husband in the inner-northern suburbs of Melbourne after Friday night work drinks, the news spread quickly. Her media-related job helped the case get a lot of notice – from what I heard people she worked with kept giving the story a lot of attention. Her family set up a facebook page to find her, and being on social media, it took off.
She went missing after leaving a bar in Brunswick early Saturday morning: it was just after 1:30pm, certainly not too late by any stretch of the imagination, definitely not for the weekend. Coupled with that fact, she was walking down Sydney Road which is a pretty main road, on her way home – and home was about a 5 minute walk away.
Those were her last known whereabouts.
I heard about the case last weekend, but it wasn’t until I saw her husband on the news on Monday morning that my heart crumpled. He was so distraught, so sad, so upset; he was absolutely shattered. I couldn’t help but think of me and my own husband, and I just felt his pain, right there and then, as he hoped and prayed for any information, for her safe return, for her to come back home.
As the case received more attention, there was a sudden discovery. Police had found her handbag in a nearby laneway, in an area they had previously searched through on the weekend. This told them that possibly it had been planted there, to throw police off the assumed kidnappers trail. Unfortunately, this led the line of enquiry back to her husband, and through repeated questions and an investigative period of over 6 hours at the home he shared with his missing wife, the police came out with a definite “he is NOT a suspect.”
As much as the evidence of them spending so long at her house suggested at it being the other, something inside of me, and of the way her husband had been so pleading on the news, told me he was not the culprit. Family members and friends of the victim are always the first to be interrogated in any tragedy that befalls them, so it was no surprise that her husband would be receiving that kind of scrutiny. We’ve seen it before in other cases: years ago a man was crying out for the safe return of his pregnant wife and young daughter on the news, and days later it was discovered that HE had in fact buried them both. Sad but true, but this is where the investigations usually, firstly lead. I was so glad to see the attention moving to find the real, actual abductor.
When CCTV footage emerged of a man walking up and down Sydney Road, talking to a woman who turned out to be Jill, the investigation and the media response to it turned up a gear. Everyone was talking about it. They still are. I still get goosebumps just thinking about it all. It was only days ago that I was watching the footage at work, the cameras from a boutique store on that road that captured the footpath outside. It showed a man in a blue hoodie walk past the shop headed left, then moments later backtrack and pass to the right. It is believed that before coming onto the CCTV camera, he passed her before we can actually see, and passed the camera. Then he comes back, and comes across her before she reaches the shop. However we soon see them talking in front of it. It’s my belief that perhaps he went up ahead to see if there were any people around, to see if the coast was clear. In fact, there were. The footage shows several people walk past minutes before the hooded man and Jill come into view.
As they come into view again, from the right, it shows him talking to her, and her hovering somewhat behind. She has her mobile in hand, as if about to use it. They move to the left of screen – he is out of the field of vision, but we can still see her, lingering, almost unsure of what to do. They then move off camera, and it is assumed she followed after him.
When talking to a colleague at work about this footage, she told me some theories have emerged online about this hoodie man being the same person who has tried several times to abduct and rape other women around Melbourne. The story used by this man to reel in his victims is to say that they are being followed by someone else, and he is there to help. Although it hasn’t come out what they were talking about, her hesitation shows some degree of confusion as to what he is telling her.
As days turned into more days, hope of finding her alive dimmed. As positive as I am, I know that an investigation like this is dependent on hours rather than days to find the victim. Still, something inside of me hoped and prayed that she was alright, however dim the possibility and the chance of finding her alive seemed to be.
I’ve had nightmares lately. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about being in a haunted house with my husband, and having intense pressure weighted down on me by an unknown force – turning out to be the ghost who haunted that house. Other times I’ve woken up in a fright because of a feeling that someone is in the room, due to an eerie, weird dream I’ve had. Sometimes it just has to be a scary place, like the haunted house I dreamt about. That’s all it takes.
A couple of nights ago I woke to tell Hubbie “someone’s at the door.” I had heard knocking in the middle of the night, I was sure of it. But he assured me it was only a dream.
Nights later I dreamt of someone pushing me hard in the back. It was an intense, focused push, like a finger digging into my back. In my dream, it was Hubbie coming back from the toilet and pushing me, but when I woke up, screaming out “ahh!” I woke him up beside me. He was facing away from me, and yet the sensation of having someone push me from behind remained, like the feeling of sunburn hours after being outdoors for too long. It lingered, and that troubled me.
I didn’t know where all these dreams were coming from.
Last night, my nightmares escalated. It was night time, I was home alone and in the kitchen, and I could hear someone knocking loudly on our back sliding door. The stranger was yelling that he was going to come in if I didn’t let him in. In realising he wasn’t joking and he could perhaps be dangerous, I crept to the front door, let myself out into the darkness, and began bolting down the street. I kept looking back but there was no one to be seen. I kept running, thinking how I would run to the comfort and security of my parent’s house, but it was at this time that I started to wake up.
It seemed I’d woken up just before my alarm was to go off. I was so scared I didn’t want to get out of bed. But I eventually convinced myself that it was safe to do so, getting up, knowing I’d be late to work if I didn’t.
I listened to the radio with a keen ear on the way, knowing, hoping that surely, there would have been some development in the Jill Meagher case. It had been reported late last night that police had arrested a man after a day of questioning, but nothing had been confirmed as yet, as to whether he was the hooded man in the CCTV footage, or someone else knowing and/or responsible for her disappearance.
It was with great shock, sadness and also relief when I heard the news come through on the hour. Yes, he was the hooded man. Yes, he had been charged and arrested for her disappearance. And yes, they had found her… but not as everyone had hoped they would find her. He had led the police to her body overnight.
The few of us that were here at work crowded around the breaking news broadcasting over the TV, watching in curiosity and sadness the story that had captured the attentions of a city for the past week. I felt somewhat gratified that he had been captured: justice had prevailed, and the police had done a remarkable job of finding the man following a huge media campaign and awareness of what had happened. However it was too late, and knowing that it was probably too late even before her husband reported her missing the day after, was a sore realisation.
It’s a sad Friday morning in Melbourne. Both mine and my friends FB statuses display the sadness that this horrifying ordeal has come to. In the workplace it’s the most talked about conversation, and on the news it’s the feature story of every bulletin. Type in her name on the net, and endless searches about the case and the hooded man’s subsequent arrest abound.
And what have we learnt? What has this told us? That women shouldn’t EVER walk alone… in a world of equal opportunity and fair trial, what does it mean when a woman can’t walk home, 5 minutes to the comfort and safety of her home on a public street? What does it mean when this happens to a girl who lives in a busy neighbourhood, in a suburb you frequent, to a girl of your age, who has only been married as long as you have, and who works at a media organisation similar to yours? Who worked. What does that mean for me, for all women, for the entire city?
My imagination never let me stay secure and in a place of comfort before… I’d always look over my shoulder in my dark morning walk to work, quickly jump in and out of the car when it was night time, and turn on all the house lights as I made my way to the bathroom. I was paranoid and jumpy, just because of my upbringing, because of my preferred choice of entertainment… solely without any real reason for being, other than what I read and saw, what was fiction. Though when fiction becomes reality, and you truly have a reason to be scared… what then? Do you become a hermit, locked in your house, fearful of what’s beyond the safety of your own walls? What if what is dark and disturbing comes to you, as is the case of so many other real-life horror stories?
Thank goodness that damned cursed excuse for being is behind bars. May he be prosecuted, castrated, and all the limbs on his body slowly pulled apart, one by one, until all that remains is a big bloody mess. The universal law of Karma will ensure he gets that, and so much more. He’s hasn’t just hurt Jill, he hasn’t just hurt her family: he’s hurt an entire city.
In time, of course, our wounds will heal. Women will temporarily be on the lookout for odd-looking people, for these night creatures; they’ll travel in pairs, drive each other home with no chance of leaving them to walk alone, and avoid all conversation with randoms.
Time will heal, and with time, we’ll forget. We’re able to, because although it has happened to us, it hasn’t happened to us. As sad as it is, it will remain in the city’s subconscious… and like all things there, it will wane into a distant memory, almost forgotten, something that happened long ago.
And that is a sad thing, because things like these should never be forgotten. We should keep the memories in our minds, because with ignorance comes danger. Paranoia is a small price to pay for safety.
And that is a sober thought in the end. That the actions of a few twisted individuals of society should ruin the well-intentions of the rest of us. No one is safe anymore, and no one is allowed to ask for help, or be nice to anyone.
Like my dream, we can all run away. We can run away from the danger in our minds, push it far away, and pray for the stranger not to follow. We can do it, because all it is for us is a thought in our minds.
Jill sadly, cannot run away. She couldn’t. Her husband and her family can’t run away from it either, for it will remain a walking nightmare for them for the rest of their lives. I pray for them, and hope that they can take some comfort in knowing that justice will on some level be served.
R.I.P. Jill Meagher.
Showing posts with label Karma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Karma. Show all posts
Friday, September 28, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2011: The Year In Review
This past year has been interesting. It has been unexpected at times, trying at others, and above all else a great learning experience. In retrospect, with all the new things that came into my life, whether I initially embraced them or tried to shut them out, I now believe it was all for the best.
Yesterday when I was trying to remember what my resolutions for this year had been, there was only one major one that stood out to me: And which I proudly with the widest smile can say I have given my all. That I will get to later:) However I find it hilarious that I had to think of my resolutions and could only remember one of them, having kind of forgotten the rest. Or had I? As I look through the list to see what I had achieved, although some were far from mind, the opportunites to take these things on board were definitely there, lingering.....
To read, HEAPS more.
Yes, yes and yes. Hold on there was only one point. I guess my point is to emphasise that I did take this on board whole-heartedly. I finished reading several self-help and law of attraction books, have started on "The Celestine Prophecy," started and finished "Persuasion," half-way through that got half-addicted to Jane Austen, am now almost finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am definitely addicted to Jane Austen. It may not seem like much (and I do feel I am missing a book somewhere) but compared to the NO BOOKS I was previously reading (or not reading if that makes sense, though I don't think it does) it is a lot, as all I used to previously read was mags and catalogues, which is really quite pathetic if you have to count that as literature. So I, am no longer, pathetic!
Ha ha.
Oh, and although I didn't work out the blogger, listing books, ticking them off thing, I've still succeeded with my main point, so there :P
To complete my first book by the end of the year.
Well, although I am not finished with this huge task, I am so proud to say that I am up to writing chapter 12 of my planned 14 chapter book. Last night I was writing and had to go back and check some stuff I'd written (I've written so much I forget what I've created!) and once again, as has happened on several other occassions, I was really pleased on reading back certain passages. I will need to revise and re-word quite a bit once I've finished my first draft, but considering I've had no formal training (other than my informal blogging of course :) ) I think I've done quite well.
AND, considering that I didn't actually start writing my book 'til the very end of Feb, I figure my resolution should be modified to extend to the end of Feb' 12: which is in fact when I plan to have the draft of my first book completed by. All is on track.
:):):)
To get fit.
Fail. Ok, well at first I went "fail, massive fail." But then I realised something. Yes I may have started the year off playing basketball with Hubbie a lot, running up and down basketball courts and what-not, with the attempts slowly dwindling to doing NOTHING of the sort. I could use genuine excuses to explain myself. Hubbie's busier schedule and starting a new job; me getting sick at one stage which removed me from all outdoor activities all together with no planned return to them - yes I could use these as an excuse, but I won't (even though I just did). If I had really wanted to do exercise, I would have found a way, no buts about it.
But then I remembered. Due to Hubbie's new job in the last couple of months this year, and the fact that he needs my car to get to and from work, I've been using the train pretty much every single day.
In the morning I walk 10 mins to work from the station. When I finish I walk 10 mins to the station. Then when I get to the station at home, I walk home for 25-30 mins, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
That's every day of the week I work. Now that's a good effort.
So, I have half-committed to that resolution too, though unintentionally:) I could be lazy and wait 15 mins for the bus to take me home, but I start walking. Procrastination eat your heart out.
To improve all my relationships, full-stop.
This is a tricky one. Grey in some areas, as most relationships are. People who I've in the past been distant with, or who I've been angry with, I've now grown closer to, or have a new-found respect for. Others, who I have struggled with in the past, I still continue to struggle with even now.
Over Christmas I tried to put my extreme dislike of one person behind me, just for the day. It worked, and I managed to see them in a somewhat positive light. But then like today, when I remember the shit petty-ness, insecure mind games and arrogance I've received from them in the past, my anger fuels up again and I feel really mad. It's not black and white. Nothing in life ever really is. But the fact that I'm trying to learn, trying to move on, and trying to accept the fact that in order to solve your relationship problems you need to change yourself, tells me that I've made some progress.
Grrr. Changing myself at the ignorance of others just shits me. I'm not the problem. But often in life you've got to swallow your pride (and let Karma take care of the rest....)
To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development.
Yes. Simply put, yes. Through all my reading and thinking and my daily work calendar full of quotes like "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus.
To enjoy life.
This one I completely forgot I wrote down, yet this is the one that must have stayed subconciously in my mind, because this one I, we, have definitely achieved.
We have stepped it up a gear. One of our motto's is "work hard, play hard." We don't always get a chance to do what we want, what with work, family commitments, and other occasions that take up our weekends. So when we do get spare time, we go all out. It may not be big to some, but to us we take extreme pleasure in it: buying coffee whenever we go shopping; eating big and well at very decent restaurants; spoiling ourselves on quality clothes; buying unique and different furniture to furnish our home. We spend a bit more, because that's the kind of life we want: one consisting of quality. Not in the future, but from NOW. Starting from right now.
And we have been doing it, for about 6 months now. Going out, splurging, exploring the town and just smiling. Life is now. You don't wait for tomorrow to enjoy it. That's what we've been doing. Any spare moment we get we enjoy it to the fullest potential, so that when we return to work the next day we don't feel pity for ourselves in seeing someone sitting and relaxing in the sun, and enjoying a coffee at an exclusive cafe.
(Yesterday we had chocolate drizzled cappuccinos and shared a huge waffle for two, drizzled also with chocolate, with side accompaniments of ice cream, strawberries and banana - and today I'm ok with being back at work :) )
Ok, enough reflecting, now for my 2012 Resolutions!
1. To finish the first draft of my first book by late Feb, and by the end of the year have it published with a reputable publisher, with the intention of writing more books in the series for that publisher. This is my first and foremost resolution, it is direct because I know exactly what I want. I'm more than half way there. It WILL happen!
2. To continue to read more, especially in ways that will help along with my writing, and also to read books that will continue to help me better myself spiritually. This is a two-fold resolution. So we'll go to 4.
4. To do some form of exercise ( I have to sigh at this resolution ) however in particular I want to zone in on my arms and make them more toned. I have a goal in mind, as Red has some arm exercises she has to give me in paper form. As soon as she gives them to me, (hopefully soon!) I start! As for the other general exercise, hopefully I will do Zumba with my at-home DVDs, if I can't make myself apply to yoga classes. Yes, as far as resolutions go, my tone in this one sucks, but hey, I have to try, true?
5. To continue living life with Hubbie to the full in every way, shape and form.
6. To continue thinking, believing and LIVING the law of attraction, both for myself and in unison with Hubbie. Although he says I inspired him, some things he has achieved of late have inspired me so much that I want us to continue on this enlightened path, aware that all that we want and aim for in life, we will have.
These, my friends, are my wishes and hopes for myself, and I wish you, all the same happiness, love, health and success that you so rightly deserve.
"Look, I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you, my kind of success."
- (Best ever end-of-movie quote! 'Jerry Maguire.')
Yesterday when I was trying to remember what my resolutions for this year had been, there was only one major one that stood out to me: And which I proudly with the widest smile can say I have given my all. That I will get to later:) However I find it hilarious that I had to think of my resolutions and could only remember one of them, having kind of forgotten the rest. Or had I? As I look through the list to see what I had achieved, although some were far from mind, the opportunites to take these things on board were definitely there, lingering.....
To read, HEAPS more.
Yes, yes and yes. Hold on there was only one point. I guess my point is to emphasise that I did take this on board whole-heartedly. I finished reading several self-help and law of attraction books, have started on "The Celestine Prophecy," started and finished "Persuasion," half-way through that got half-addicted to Jane Austen, am now almost finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am definitely addicted to Jane Austen. It may not seem like much (and I do feel I am missing a book somewhere) but compared to the NO BOOKS I was previously reading (or not reading if that makes sense, though I don't think it does) it is a lot, as all I used to previously read was mags and catalogues, which is really quite pathetic if you have to count that as literature. So I, am no longer, pathetic!
Ha ha.
Oh, and although I didn't work out the blogger, listing books, ticking them off thing, I've still succeeded with my main point, so there :P
To complete my first book by the end of the year.
Well, although I am not finished with this huge task, I am so proud to say that I am up to writing chapter 12 of my planned 14 chapter book. Last night I was writing and had to go back and check some stuff I'd written (I've written so much I forget what I've created!) and once again, as has happened on several other occassions, I was really pleased on reading back certain passages. I will need to revise and re-word quite a bit once I've finished my first draft, but considering I've had no formal training (other than my informal blogging of course :) ) I think I've done quite well.
AND, considering that I didn't actually start writing my book 'til the very end of Feb, I figure my resolution should be modified to extend to the end of Feb' 12: which is in fact when I plan to have the draft of my first book completed by. All is on track.
:):):)
To get fit.
Fail. Ok, well at first I went "fail, massive fail." But then I realised something. Yes I may have started the year off playing basketball with Hubbie a lot, running up and down basketball courts and what-not, with the attempts slowly dwindling to doing NOTHING of the sort. I could use genuine excuses to explain myself. Hubbie's busier schedule and starting a new job; me getting sick at one stage which removed me from all outdoor activities all together with no planned return to them - yes I could use these as an excuse, but I won't (even though I just did). If I had really wanted to do exercise, I would have found a way, no buts about it.
But then I remembered. Due to Hubbie's new job in the last couple of months this year, and the fact that he needs my car to get to and from work, I've been using the train pretty much every single day.
In the morning I walk 10 mins to work from the station. When I finish I walk 10 mins to the station. Then when I get to the station at home, I walk home for 25-30 mins, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
That's every day of the week I work. Now that's a good effort.
So, I have half-committed to that resolution too, though unintentionally:) I could be lazy and wait 15 mins for the bus to take me home, but I start walking. Procrastination eat your heart out.
To improve all my relationships, full-stop.
This is a tricky one. Grey in some areas, as most relationships are. People who I've in the past been distant with, or who I've been angry with, I've now grown closer to, or have a new-found respect for. Others, who I have struggled with in the past, I still continue to struggle with even now.
Over Christmas I tried to put my extreme dislike of one person behind me, just for the day. It worked, and I managed to see them in a somewhat positive light. But then like today, when I remember the shit petty-ness, insecure mind games and arrogance I've received from them in the past, my anger fuels up again and I feel really mad. It's not black and white. Nothing in life ever really is. But the fact that I'm trying to learn, trying to move on, and trying to accept the fact that in order to solve your relationship problems you need to change yourself, tells me that I've made some progress.
Grrr. Changing myself at the ignorance of others just shits me. I'm not the problem. But often in life you've got to swallow your pride (and let Karma take care of the rest....)
To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development.
Yes. Simply put, yes. Through all my reading and thinking and my daily work calendar full of quotes like "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus.
To enjoy life.
This one I completely forgot I wrote down, yet this is the one that must have stayed subconciously in my mind, because this one I, we, have definitely achieved.
We have stepped it up a gear. One of our motto's is "work hard, play hard." We don't always get a chance to do what we want, what with work, family commitments, and other occasions that take up our weekends. So when we do get spare time, we go all out. It may not be big to some, but to us we take extreme pleasure in it: buying coffee whenever we go shopping; eating big and well at very decent restaurants; spoiling ourselves on quality clothes; buying unique and different furniture to furnish our home. We spend a bit more, because that's the kind of life we want: one consisting of quality. Not in the future, but from NOW. Starting from right now.
And we have been doing it, for about 6 months now. Going out, splurging, exploring the town and just smiling. Life is now. You don't wait for tomorrow to enjoy it. That's what we've been doing. Any spare moment we get we enjoy it to the fullest potential, so that when we return to work the next day we don't feel pity for ourselves in seeing someone sitting and relaxing in the sun, and enjoying a coffee at an exclusive cafe.
(Yesterday we had chocolate drizzled cappuccinos and shared a huge waffle for two, drizzled also with chocolate, with side accompaniments of ice cream, strawberries and banana - and today I'm ok with being back at work :) )
Ok, enough reflecting, now for my 2012 Resolutions!
1. To finish the first draft of my first book by late Feb, and by the end of the year have it published with a reputable publisher, with the intention of writing more books in the series for that publisher. This is my first and foremost resolution, it is direct because I know exactly what I want. I'm more than half way there. It WILL happen!
2. To continue to read more, especially in ways that will help along with my writing, and also to read books that will continue to help me better myself spiritually. This is a two-fold resolution. So we'll go to 4.
4. To do some form of exercise ( I have to sigh at this resolution ) however in particular I want to zone in on my arms and make them more toned. I have a goal in mind, as Red has some arm exercises she has to give me in paper form. As soon as she gives them to me, (hopefully soon!) I start! As for the other general exercise, hopefully I will do Zumba with my at-home DVDs, if I can't make myself apply to yoga classes. Yes, as far as resolutions go, my tone in this one sucks, but hey, I have to try, true?
5. To continue living life with Hubbie to the full in every way, shape and form.
6. To continue thinking, believing and LIVING the law of attraction, both for myself and in unison with Hubbie. Although he says I inspired him, some things he has achieved of late have inspired me so much that I want us to continue on this enlightened path, aware that all that we want and aim for in life, we will have.
These, my friends, are my wishes and hopes for myself, and I wish you, all the same happiness, love, health and success that you so rightly deserve.
"Look, I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you, my kind of success."
- (Best ever end-of-movie quote! 'Jerry Maguire.')
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
My friend Karma
I have a very strong faith in Karma. It's something I learnt, in a very hard way when I was 16, whilst at high school and having an intense friendship break-up. People may think 'oh, all that high school melodrama is just a part of growing up.' But the way you interpret your life's dramas, whether big or small, kind of sets you up for the way you'll deal with other tough scenarios for the rest of your life.
And in any of these tough cases I've come across and had to endure, I learnt that whenever there was a difficult person who seemed to be getting away with doing something bad which I couldn't change or help, the expectance of Karma was very much welcomed.
That first time I learnt to depend on Karma at the age of 16, I had to endure many months of strained friendships and life uncertainty before seeing Karma's appearance start to make a change in not only my life for the better, but also appear as the undeniable avenger in the lives of those who had wronged me. When I hadn't known what to do, I'd simply stated "I release this, and believe that Karma will make those pay if they deserve it." I had to focus all of my attention on that thought, and hope and pray that I was right, that retribution would come to those who had asked for it. And slowly but surely, it did. It was a slow process, but in the spate of about 6 months the dynamics had shifted dramatically, and as I sit here today, knowledgable about the lives of those I'd separated from over a decade ago, I'm even more aware now of not only the pure fact of Karma's existence - because it is just that, a fact - but also that the power of positive vs. negative energies is a game in which both sides always win. Just think about that one for a moment.
Not only do I play by Karma's law, because I want to attract good things - but I do so for a genuine reason, I actually do want good, and wish good for others. And I try, try, try not to care too much about the wrong-doings of others, confident in the knowledge that Karma will 'fix them up' if they deserve it. Well, generally confident.
And that's the thought that has lead me to this place. This place of lately feeling like God's avenger, a righter of wrongs that needs to let people know they've done bad. Yes I realise how comical that may sound but it's true. I have this raw instinct in me to let people know when they've pissed me off - yes that quality a lot of people have I'm sure. However at times, depending on how intense I feel about the wrong-doing, and in particularly how often a certain offender may re-offend, I feel even more driven to the extreme border of earth-bound and born retaliator.
Haha, me in terminator gear, how funny. Seriously though, it does get to me. Thankfully, I've once again had my aha! moment in regards to Karma, because of some interesting news I heard yesterday.
No-show-boy, myself and another colleague were having a tea break late last night. He started saying how he'd had a Saturday day shift, the one that's just passed, and was supposed to start at 2pm. Because of some 'things' he had to attend to in the day (and also to the fact he fell asleep on his couch), on top of the fact that he had misinterpreted the 1400 work start time written on his hand to mean 4:00pm, rather than the 2pm reminder it was meant to be, he came into work a little later than usual. And guess who, unknown to him was already at work, waiting for him?
Our boss.
Dum, da dum dum.
She's really a very good boss. She is very accomodating to our out-of-work needs and requirements, and you could say, is very cool.
She's also the sort of person to really let you have it if you take advantage of her easygoing nature, which is what happened to No-show-boy. The other colleague and I sat there wide-mouthed as he told us how she completely went off at him for being late, especially since there had been some kind of request made to our department in regards to an error, and as no one was here to represent our team she was called.
Ouch. That's nasty.
It was only then that I realised what had been happening. Here I was, keeping notes on his absences from work, and counting the minutes he was away from his desk per day (maybe not counting, but I was being a complete tardy-freak), not so I could tell somebody, I'm not a dibby-dobber, more so for my own records to satisfy my curiosity of how far he would push it. Last week I sort of said to myself, quite subconsciously of any Karma that may take part "I'm letting this go, I can't do anything about it. And if he's as bad as I think he is (tardy-wise) then the bosses will EVENTUALLY find out."
And they seriously did, within a week. Not that they didn't know already. Really, you can't keep secrets like those, everyone's true character comes out eventually.
And it made me think. This Karma re-appearing in front of me, made me think that perhaps I should 'let certain things go' about other troublesome characters in my life. Let them go, and the hurt go, so that Karma can swoop in and fix it up for me..... After all, Karma does as its definition is.
It's worth a shot.
There's a quote I heard a while ago that has stuck with me ever since, something I believe you cannot get away from, therefore you must endeavour not to run away from it in the first place.
"No matter how deep you bury your seeds, they will always be unearthed."
And in any of these tough cases I've come across and had to endure, I learnt that whenever there was a difficult person who seemed to be getting away with doing something bad which I couldn't change or help, the expectance of Karma was very much welcomed.
That first time I learnt to depend on Karma at the age of 16, I had to endure many months of strained friendships and life uncertainty before seeing Karma's appearance start to make a change in not only my life for the better, but also appear as the undeniable avenger in the lives of those who had wronged me. When I hadn't known what to do, I'd simply stated "I release this, and believe that Karma will make those pay if they deserve it." I had to focus all of my attention on that thought, and hope and pray that I was right, that retribution would come to those who had asked for it. And slowly but surely, it did. It was a slow process, but in the spate of about 6 months the dynamics had shifted dramatically, and as I sit here today, knowledgable about the lives of those I'd separated from over a decade ago, I'm even more aware now of not only the pure fact of Karma's existence - because it is just that, a fact - but also that the power of positive vs. negative energies is a game in which both sides always win. Just think about that one for a moment.
Not only do I play by Karma's law, because I want to attract good things - but I do so for a genuine reason, I actually do want good, and wish good for others. And I try, try, try not to care too much about the wrong-doings of others, confident in the knowledge that Karma will 'fix them up' if they deserve it. Well, generally confident.
And that's the thought that has lead me to this place. This place of lately feeling like God's avenger, a righter of wrongs that needs to let people know they've done bad. Yes I realise how comical that may sound but it's true. I have this raw instinct in me to let people know when they've pissed me off - yes that quality a lot of people have I'm sure. However at times, depending on how intense I feel about the wrong-doing, and in particularly how often a certain offender may re-offend, I feel even more driven to the extreme border of earth-bound and born retaliator.
Haha, me in terminator gear, how funny. Seriously though, it does get to me. Thankfully, I've once again had my aha! moment in regards to Karma, because of some interesting news I heard yesterday.
No-show-boy, myself and another colleague were having a tea break late last night. He started saying how he'd had a Saturday day shift, the one that's just passed, and was supposed to start at 2pm. Because of some 'things' he had to attend to in the day (and also to the fact he fell asleep on his couch), on top of the fact that he had misinterpreted the 1400 work start time written on his hand to mean 4:00pm, rather than the 2pm reminder it was meant to be, he came into work a little later than usual. And guess who, unknown to him was already at work, waiting for him?
Our boss.
Dum, da dum dum.
She's really a very good boss. She is very accomodating to our out-of-work needs and requirements, and you could say, is very cool.
She's also the sort of person to really let you have it if you take advantage of her easygoing nature, which is what happened to No-show-boy. The other colleague and I sat there wide-mouthed as he told us how she completely went off at him for being late, especially since there had been some kind of request made to our department in regards to an error, and as no one was here to represent our team she was called.
Ouch. That's nasty.
It was only then that I realised what had been happening. Here I was, keeping notes on his absences from work, and counting the minutes he was away from his desk per day (maybe not counting, but I was being a complete tardy-freak), not so I could tell somebody, I'm not a dibby-dobber, more so for my own records to satisfy my curiosity of how far he would push it. Last week I sort of said to myself, quite subconsciously of any Karma that may take part "I'm letting this go, I can't do anything about it. And if he's as bad as I think he is (tardy-wise) then the bosses will EVENTUALLY find out."
And they seriously did, within a week. Not that they didn't know already. Really, you can't keep secrets like those, everyone's true character comes out eventually.
And it made me think. This Karma re-appearing in front of me, made me think that perhaps I should 'let certain things go' about other troublesome characters in my life. Let them go, and the hurt go, so that Karma can swoop in and fix it up for me..... After all, Karma does as its definition is.
It's worth a shot.
There's a quote I heard a while ago that has stuck with me ever since, something I believe you cannot get away from, therefore you must endeavour not to run away from it in the first place.
"No matter how deep you bury your seeds, they will always be unearthed."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
(Shhhhhhh.... don't let them hear us......)
I have to write this very quickly and quietly, just as I have to then post it on my blog and forget about it as soon as it's up there.
I can't attract more of it, in the cycle of Karma, you see. Hence my deliberate attempt at trying to forget it, by not focusing on it. By focusing on not focusing on it. See the paradox?
I am amazed at the lack of (big breath)... spiders, rather, Huntsmen in our house at the moment. This time last year the house was in the midst of a full on war, raging between me with my Uma Thurman style war paint, vs the 8-legged disgusting hairy insects that apparently hunt, like men.
Shudder.
It may have just been a bad season.
Or, In all my killing and spraying, sobbing and crying, (and waking up Hubbie to do my dirty work), we may have rid ourselves of all of them last summer.
Or, the fact that Hubbie has sprayed the exterior of our house twice this summer, may be keeping them out and away.
I don't know, but just between you and me, I am soooo relieved. Whatever reason I should attribute their absence to, I just don't want to know about them. I just felt a need to inform of my current (and hopefully prolonged FOREVER) spider-free existence :)
However, oddly enough, there has been a spate of cockroaches lately. It seems that after going through the winter millipedes, then the summer huntsmen, now the cockroaches have jumped on board to say "Yay! yay! Let's annoy Miss S!"
(That's why we must be quiet when talking about them. Because when they know I'm aware of them, more of them come.)
Shhhhhh. Back to it. You never read this.
I can't attract more of it, in the cycle of Karma, you see. Hence my deliberate attempt at trying to forget it, by not focusing on it. By focusing on not focusing on it. See the paradox?
I am amazed at the lack of (big breath)... spiders, rather, Huntsmen in our house at the moment. This time last year the house was in the midst of a full on war, raging between me with my Uma Thurman style war paint, vs the 8-legged disgusting hairy insects that apparently hunt, like men.
Shudder.
It may have just been a bad season.
Or, In all my killing and spraying, sobbing and crying, (and waking up Hubbie to do my dirty work), we may have rid ourselves of all of them last summer.
Or, the fact that Hubbie has sprayed the exterior of our house twice this summer, may be keeping them out and away.
I don't know, but just between you and me, I am soooo relieved. Whatever reason I should attribute their absence to, I just don't want to know about them. I just felt a need to inform of my current (and hopefully prolonged FOREVER) spider-free existence :)
However, oddly enough, there has been a spate of cockroaches lately. It seems that after going through the winter millipedes, then the summer huntsmen, now the cockroaches have jumped on board to say "Yay! yay! Let's annoy Miss S!"
(That's why we must be quiet when talking about them. Because when they know I'm aware of them, more of them come.)
Shhhhhh. Back to it. You never read this.
Friday, January 8, 2010
My ANGER Management - Part 2
Episode 3. One of the things I mentioned a few blogs ago, was the non-invite we received. This came (or should I say didn't come) from my bestie's boyfriend. Let's call her Red, and him, Wine.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
Friday, October 16, 2009
My Karma, My Monday Night.
I had a big night on Monday. There came many realisations, tears, and after a few too many glasses of wine, acceptance and truth.
I've had a while to think about it.
I've actually had over a month to think about all the things that have been bothering me this last while. And although I blogged about my fainting episode a while back, there was an earlier episode that occurred only days before I fainted, which had me wondering whether my fainting was episodal, or karmic-al, if there is such a word.
Without going on about it too much, there was a family gathering of sorts. And someone close in the family offended me, very, very deeply.
Some could say I was right to speak up. Others may say that I was being overly sensitive, and looking too much into things. All I can say to that is, the way I have been brought up, if someone speaks in an overly condescending and arrogant way to someone else, with a continual air of attitude and self-righteousness, well they deserve to be told off.
So I spoke up to someone's negativity, and that person felt my anger.
This person has said stupid stuff before. And upset others more than they've upset me. But this time, after this night, I could not let it go. I was beyond mad. I was seething with anger, my blood was boiling and tears threatened to spill out every time I even thought of saying their name.
I was starting to feel that I could NEVER get over this. Ever. When you look at it, you may say to yourself "but it wasn't even that bad." But the culmination of receiving this attitude over the years, and the way it was put on the night, was as they say, the straw that broke the camels back. And it snapped me in half.
It placed stress on me. Very heavily, because everytime I thought of this person, or they were mentioned, a sarcastic smile would cross my face. I was mad.
It didn't threaten, but it did make things difficult between Hubbie and I. We had various heated talks. Heated because although he saw where I was coming from, he had been himself in my position so many times, and felt the anger himself, that he knew it was pointless. He claimed, that despite some of the negativity put out by this person, behind the flamboyant mouth lay a good-intentioned person.
I just couldn't accept that. I do not believe that a person should get a green card to do certain things which are normally deemed inappropriate, purely because overall "their heart is in the right place." This boils me to my core. It is absolutely ludicrous that someone should be let off the hook, and allowed to treat people disrespectfully, I don't care how good their intentions are.
In and out, in and out. The argument, all that was said, all the possible FUTURE disagreements..... this was going in and out of my head for weeks. And during this time, I fainted. I don't know if it was my increased sense of awareness due to my sudden intense and underlying anger, but I found myself constantly "accidentally" knocking into things at home, hitting myself, my arm, my leg, my toe, etc, etc.
I became increasingly aware of my foul language. Every sentence was "f, f, f..." and it wasn't even angry talk when I said it. It was being used as a word when there was absolutely no neccessary need to insert it in the sentence. However I did something good here: I started a swear jar, and in 4 to 5 days my swearing had significantly dropped. So that I was proud of.
But everything else.... I just felt as if I was bad. Things were going bad. And on Monday afternoon, driving home from work, I could have quite easily been wiped off the road. In a second. It wasn't even my fault, and the idiot driver could have removed me from the road indefinitely, and he didn't even look up to acknowledge his mistake.
That really stirred me. Shook me up a bit, in a day where there were countless things that seemed to be weighing on me. Future financial issues, (how are we gonna pay for all our new house items and renovations, and get that new car, and save for an investment and somehow live in our dream home one day?) worried about people close to me, (why do they keep doing this, I want to save them, help them, get them out of this cycle of bad decisions) and then THAT incident, the angry confrontation that every time I thought of it made me frown, quite literally.
I was seriously feeling low. Not only because of what had been occurring in my life, and all the worries that plagued my mind, but low because I was seeing everything that had recently happened in my life, as a cycle.
As Karma.
A cycle that had begun at around the time of that disappointing weekend, when I'd spoken up to some unreasonable behaviour.
This was something I just couldn't fathom, I couldn't grasp. I held such a strong belief in karma, belief in the balance of negative and positive energies, belief that what you put out you get back. So then why should I be receiving any negativity in my life, when I've done nothing wrong?
The way I believe in God, and my Faith, that's the same way I look at Karma. I just know it. I know it exists, and there is no need for hard evidence to determine its existence, because I see it in other peoples lives and in my life. So to believe so strongly in something, and then start to question IT, question YOURSELF, because suddenly, Karma is rearing its ugly head at YOU. But you're not bad.................. right..... ?
That's a scary thing. When you believe something so strongly, and something happens to make you question it. The feeling inside you is lost. You don't know what to believe, what to think, because suddenly, one of your very basic morals and rules of existence, seems shattered.
But then you start to think... If it's not your principle belief that is wrong, what does that say about me? Am I wrong? Why is Karma treating me so bad, making these things happen, when I believe in IT! I believe in it with every part of me that is in this world....
And that is what hurts. Much like unrequited love or affections, when you love someone and that someone doesn't give you the same love back. You believe in Karma, but karma isn't giving you a break.
So, after a tearful preparation of dinner, with my accusations at Hubbie that "he doesn't understand," and "you're not listening," we ate dinner. Poured a few glasses of wine.
And began to talk. I said everything. I told him my future worries, present fears, past angers, and finally admitted that I was scared. Was my intense anger, that I held deep within me, towards that family member, the catalyst that triggered the karmic wave of negativity towards me? I was putting out negative energy, so therefore I was receiving it back?
But how can that be, when all I did that night was speak up! Yes, speak up...... but my problem thereafter was that I held on to my anger, when I should've let it go. The air of negativity around me when I spoke that person's name, or thought of them, could have been cut with a knife.
Things started to look better on my second glass of wine.
Karma hadn't done anything to me, nor would it ever do anything to me. It was simply reacting to what I put out. I was the one that had created the negative cycle, and despite my unwavering belief, I should have known that not even I, believer of all Karmic energies, would be resistant to its power.
So, I had not done wrong, but I had put out bad energy, very bad. And karma was only responding to that. It had nothing to do with me as a person, and everything to do with my actions and intentions.
Which is reassuring. If you think about it, good people and bad people don't exist. It's their actions and what they put out to the world that create their 'bad' or 'good' personas. So no matter who you are, whether you're overall 'bad' in your intentions or 'good,' Karma's energy force will balance you out.
Not to say that you can easily pigeonhole people into two groups: that is in itself an entirely different blog. But for these purposes, you can categorise people according to their intentions.
On to my third glass of wine and I was a happy chappy. All was well in my world again. I wasn't going to let go of my anger straight away, even overnight. But I was going to try. And I was going to have to try and suppress my strong desire to let people know they're wrong when they're wrong, especially when it came to this person. I was gonna let it all go, because you know what?
Karma gets you in the end. And that's the way it should be.
Cheers to balance in this world.
I've had a while to think about it.
I've actually had over a month to think about all the things that have been bothering me this last while. And although I blogged about my fainting episode a while back, there was an earlier episode that occurred only days before I fainted, which had me wondering whether my fainting was episodal, or karmic-al, if there is such a word.
Without going on about it too much, there was a family gathering of sorts. And someone close in the family offended me, very, very deeply.
Some could say I was right to speak up. Others may say that I was being overly sensitive, and looking too much into things. All I can say to that is, the way I have been brought up, if someone speaks in an overly condescending and arrogant way to someone else, with a continual air of attitude and self-righteousness, well they deserve to be told off.
So I spoke up to someone's negativity, and that person felt my anger.
This person has said stupid stuff before. And upset others more than they've upset me. But this time, after this night, I could not let it go. I was beyond mad. I was seething with anger, my blood was boiling and tears threatened to spill out every time I even thought of saying their name.
I was starting to feel that I could NEVER get over this. Ever. When you look at it, you may say to yourself "but it wasn't even that bad." But the culmination of receiving this attitude over the years, and the way it was put on the night, was as they say, the straw that broke the camels back. And it snapped me in half.
It placed stress on me. Very heavily, because everytime I thought of this person, or they were mentioned, a sarcastic smile would cross my face. I was mad.
It didn't threaten, but it did make things difficult between Hubbie and I. We had various heated talks. Heated because although he saw where I was coming from, he had been himself in my position so many times, and felt the anger himself, that he knew it was pointless. He claimed, that despite some of the negativity put out by this person, behind the flamboyant mouth lay a good-intentioned person.
I just couldn't accept that. I do not believe that a person should get a green card to do certain things which are normally deemed inappropriate, purely because overall "their heart is in the right place." This boils me to my core. It is absolutely ludicrous that someone should be let off the hook, and allowed to treat people disrespectfully, I don't care how good their intentions are.
In and out, in and out. The argument, all that was said, all the possible FUTURE disagreements..... this was going in and out of my head for weeks. And during this time, I fainted. I don't know if it was my increased sense of awareness due to my sudden intense and underlying anger, but I found myself constantly "accidentally" knocking into things at home, hitting myself, my arm, my leg, my toe, etc, etc.
I became increasingly aware of my foul language. Every sentence was "f, f, f..." and it wasn't even angry talk when I said it. It was being used as a word when there was absolutely no neccessary need to insert it in the sentence. However I did something good here: I started a swear jar, and in 4 to 5 days my swearing had significantly dropped. So that I was proud of.
But everything else.... I just felt as if I was bad. Things were going bad. And on Monday afternoon, driving home from work, I could have quite easily been wiped off the road. In a second. It wasn't even my fault, and the idiot driver could have removed me from the road indefinitely, and he didn't even look up to acknowledge his mistake.
That really stirred me. Shook me up a bit, in a day where there were countless things that seemed to be weighing on me. Future financial issues, (how are we gonna pay for all our new house items and renovations, and get that new car, and save for an investment and somehow live in our dream home one day?) worried about people close to me, (why do they keep doing this, I want to save them, help them, get them out of this cycle of bad decisions) and then THAT incident, the angry confrontation that every time I thought of it made me frown, quite literally.
I was seriously feeling low. Not only because of what had been occurring in my life, and all the worries that plagued my mind, but low because I was seeing everything that had recently happened in my life, as a cycle.
As Karma.
A cycle that had begun at around the time of that disappointing weekend, when I'd spoken up to some unreasonable behaviour.
This was something I just couldn't fathom, I couldn't grasp. I held such a strong belief in karma, belief in the balance of negative and positive energies, belief that what you put out you get back. So then why should I be receiving any negativity in my life, when I've done nothing wrong?
The way I believe in God, and my Faith, that's the same way I look at Karma. I just know it. I know it exists, and there is no need for hard evidence to determine its existence, because I see it in other peoples lives and in my life. So to believe so strongly in something, and then start to question IT, question YOURSELF, because suddenly, Karma is rearing its ugly head at YOU. But you're not bad.................. right..... ?
That's a scary thing. When you believe something so strongly, and something happens to make you question it. The feeling inside you is lost. You don't know what to believe, what to think, because suddenly, one of your very basic morals and rules of existence, seems shattered.
But then you start to think... If it's not your principle belief that is wrong, what does that say about me? Am I wrong? Why is Karma treating me so bad, making these things happen, when I believe in IT! I believe in it with every part of me that is in this world....
And that is what hurts. Much like unrequited love or affections, when you love someone and that someone doesn't give you the same love back. You believe in Karma, but karma isn't giving you a break.
So, after a tearful preparation of dinner, with my accusations at Hubbie that "he doesn't understand," and "you're not listening," we ate dinner. Poured a few glasses of wine.
And began to talk. I said everything. I told him my future worries, present fears, past angers, and finally admitted that I was scared. Was my intense anger, that I held deep within me, towards that family member, the catalyst that triggered the karmic wave of negativity towards me? I was putting out negative energy, so therefore I was receiving it back?
But how can that be, when all I did that night was speak up! Yes, speak up...... but my problem thereafter was that I held on to my anger, when I should've let it go. The air of negativity around me when I spoke that person's name, or thought of them, could have been cut with a knife.
Things started to look better on my second glass of wine.
Karma hadn't done anything to me, nor would it ever do anything to me. It was simply reacting to what I put out. I was the one that had created the negative cycle, and despite my unwavering belief, I should have known that not even I, believer of all Karmic energies, would be resistant to its power.
So, I had not done wrong, but I had put out bad energy, very bad. And karma was only responding to that. It had nothing to do with me as a person, and everything to do with my actions and intentions.
Which is reassuring. If you think about it, good people and bad people don't exist. It's their actions and what they put out to the world that create their 'bad' or 'good' personas. So no matter who you are, whether you're overall 'bad' in your intentions or 'good,' Karma's energy force will balance you out.
Not to say that you can easily pigeonhole people into two groups: that is in itself an entirely different blog. But for these purposes, you can categorise people according to their intentions.
On to my third glass of wine and I was a happy chappy. All was well in my world again. I wasn't going to let go of my anger straight away, even overnight. But I was going to try. And I was going to have to try and suppress my strong desire to let people know they're wrong when they're wrong, especially when it came to this person. I was gonna let it all go, because you know what?
Karma gets you in the end. And that's the way it should be.
Cheers to balance in this world.
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