This was the last thing I was expecting to do when I logged onto my computer at approximately 9:30pm tonight.
Well not the last last thing... perhaps the last thing would have been to search for illegal weapons and look up porn. You know what I mean.
What I'm trying to say is it's been a LONG time. Very long. I can't believe I missed the year of 2013 completely. When I explain below, trust me, I will be forgiven.
I alluded to it in my last post, of things coming into fruition in the new year, which has now become last year...
In chronological order (I guess)
that family member... passed away. It was a very sad and difficult experience, and continues to be for all involved.
I had a baby! (on the total flipside). This is obviously very good news. I love her to pieces (I had a girl, clearly) and she's been our sunshine in the midst of so much darkness. She makes our lives brighter every day.
That's what I was alluding to in my last post: I was pregnant then, you see. It's difficult to go through a pregnancy when someone is so sick, and then unfortunately passes. Horrible for the sick person, horrible for the family, horrible for the pregnant person. I do not wish it upon my worst enemy. Both the sickness and being pregnant for the first time while someone you care for is ill.
I sent the first three chapters of my book to that agent who was showing interest, and after all that, she told me days before I had the baby that she was, after all, not interested in that 'style.' So after doing the whole sleep-deprivation and going insane in the early months of parenthood, I'm now back on the writing board, have sent queries to some agents and am waiting on one of them to get back to me soon on the first chapter I sent to them. Simultaneously I'm thinking of broadening my search, and am looking at writing jobs online so that I don't have to go back to my old job. I need to move on. I need flexible hours, and I feel sick at the thought of not being around my gorgeous girl while I waste time for hours on the road driving up and down across the city.
I've been doing searches on 'online writing jobs' and having read many an article about bloggers and writing and everything related I thought again (I've thought of it many times by now) how I haven't been on blogger in forever, and so thought I should stop by.
Clicking the 'new post' button though, was interesting. Brought back memories. Who am I kidding not really, but I do miss the blog. I like being anon, but I'm starting to think I need to be more public, in order to succeed in the world of publishing. That might mean eventually dropping this blog and starting a new one, and for that to take effect I can't really take any of my old followers with me, in fear of people in the real world finding out my secrets... LOL because there are so many scandals. Still, people in my life can work out a lot from my writings, hence I need to keep it protected to avoid hurting those around me.
(Big laugh at my mention of 'followers' too, not sure if anyone actually sees this blog despite my massive count of 3... ;) )
So, just thought I'd say, Hi.
Some things have changed, some not so much, some hugely, but ultimately, I'm still Miss S.
Mummy S too.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Monday, March 10, 2014
Friday, December 28, 2012
Yowza
Wow. So I haven’t written in a LONG time.
I lie. I write heaps, I just haven’t written in here.
I think it’s time for a bit of a catch-up post, don’t ya think?
So life apparently, is getting better. Who am I kidding, it most definitely is. Some things I’m unable to divulge just yet (quite amusing since this is an anonymous blog) but I can say that
a) I won a competition (which helped with the red light camera fine I received)
b) family members who were sick, well are sick, appear to be getting better, and we are very hopeful (fingers crossed) that they will continue getting satisfactory and positive results
c) and in the month leading up to Red’s wedding, it was a massive reunion with all our friends, including Blonde (yes, it appears she gave up on her stubborn stance, in my opinion anyway – listen to her reason for attending “it just worked out with work” LOL)
Following the wedding Hubbie and I went away, and now we’re looking forward to the year of 2013. I’ve never been keen on the number ‘13’ yet it seems life has other things in store for me, wanting to turn my perception of the number into a REALLY good one. Watch this space.
There’s nothing quite like cracking it at someone who you have confused or unresolved feelings about. This happened at Red’s wedding with Blonde. Hubbie was paying her a lot of attention, and hugging her and talking to her, and I was getting peeved because I felt like when I was talking to her, she was being quite flippant about it. This continued for a couple of hours, until I cracked and said in front of her and Hubbie “Blonde has her own friends tonight,” referring to the table she was at.
Now let me get things perfectly clear: I have no issues, no jealousies whatsoever when it comes to Hubbie showing affection to the people I love most: this most particularly includes my sister, Red and Blonde. In fact, it fills my heart with such joy when I see these people getting along with Hubbie so well, that I feel as if my heart might burst. I love it sooooo much, it makes me so happy. But it was the fact that he was giving her attention, and I felt she wasn’t me, that I said the above remark with very much intended and directed malice. No subtlety there.
And, I’m one of those ‘nice’ people. I hate the word, but it’s the only way to explain. You know those people who never crack it? Well I do crack it, however quietly, and not directly at people. So if in the rare circumstance I have a go at someone, a close friend who knows me so well, I suspect a part of them cries internally.
I don’t mean to brag, but it’s just how it is, and I saw it in Blonde’s face and how it changed so much when I said it. Hubbie went “ooooh,” and I danced away, as you do at a wedding, but with my insides raging.
I later felt the true meaning of guilt and foot-in-the-mouth syndrome when I spoke to a close friend of Blonde’s. In talking about how we need to catch up, she mentioned how she had said to Blonde “I hope Miss S isn’t upset how I haven’t made an effort, I’ve been so busy,” to which she told me Blonde replied with “no, Miss S is so sweet she can’t get upset.”
Insert massively uncomfortable rock in centre of stomach.
I felt so bad. Blonde perhaps had her own issues that day; she was back in the country, having to deal with family issues even as she was at the wedding, and maybe was feeling a little envious that I was such a huge part of the bridal party, and she wasn’t. Maybe she had her own things going on.
I went to visit her at one stage at her table, and kind of, not really casually, but in a way so as not to get too deep into it, I said “I’m sorry about before, what I said, just forget it.”
She went “why? What happened? Why were you upset?”
I tried to brush it off, saying something like “don’t worry.” I was too ashamed to go through the real reasons; I felt too selfish to say ‘I feel like you don’t care about me’ when she had so much going on. Her behaviour following that was immaculate. Not to say you should crack it at your friends just to get them to pay attention to you, but she proved to me how much she does care, with remarks like “and this was here at your wedding, and I remember this, and that” etc and etc. She remembered things I didn’t. I felt touched, yet so bad for what I’d abruptly said.
She continues to send me messages from overseas, with things like “I bought you this. One for me, my sister and you.”
I see what you’re doing Blonde. I see.
My writing project has temporarily stalled. My first writing project. Intentionally I might add, which makes it acceptable I think. I’ve decided it’s inappropriate sending out a synopsis with chapters and all the bits and bobs to market the book, to prospective agents when it’s the yuletide/holiday season. So I’ve deliberately put it on hold until after Christmas, (which is now) but I’ve given myself the deadline of about 2-3 weeks into Jan by which to have it sent by, to the initial agent who showed interest if I reduced the word count.
Oh that. Yeah I didn’t get to reduce it by much. (very little, shh) But I figure she can’t tell that from the first 3 chapters.
Oh, and I still drink coffee. Like now. Hence my randomly impromptu post. I’m out.
I lie. I write heaps, I just haven’t written in here.
I think it’s time for a bit of a catch-up post, don’t ya think?
So life apparently, is getting better. Who am I kidding, it most definitely is. Some things I’m unable to divulge just yet (quite amusing since this is an anonymous blog) but I can say that
a) I won a competition (which helped with the red light camera fine I received)
b) family members who were sick, well are sick, appear to be getting better, and we are very hopeful (fingers crossed) that they will continue getting satisfactory and positive results
c) and in the month leading up to Red’s wedding, it was a massive reunion with all our friends, including Blonde (yes, it appears she gave up on her stubborn stance, in my opinion anyway – listen to her reason for attending “it just worked out with work” LOL)
Following the wedding Hubbie and I went away, and now we’re looking forward to the year of 2013. I’ve never been keen on the number ‘13’ yet it seems life has other things in store for me, wanting to turn my perception of the number into a REALLY good one. Watch this space.
There’s nothing quite like cracking it at someone who you have confused or unresolved feelings about. This happened at Red’s wedding with Blonde. Hubbie was paying her a lot of attention, and hugging her and talking to her, and I was getting peeved because I felt like when I was talking to her, she was being quite flippant about it. This continued for a couple of hours, until I cracked and said in front of her and Hubbie “Blonde has her own friends tonight,” referring to the table she was at.
Now let me get things perfectly clear: I have no issues, no jealousies whatsoever when it comes to Hubbie showing affection to the people I love most: this most particularly includes my sister, Red and Blonde. In fact, it fills my heart with such joy when I see these people getting along with Hubbie so well, that I feel as if my heart might burst. I love it sooooo much, it makes me so happy. But it was the fact that he was giving her attention, and I felt she wasn’t me, that I said the above remark with very much intended and directed malice. No subtlety there.
And, I’m one of those ‘nice’ people. I hate the word, but it’s the only way to explain. You know those people who never crack it? Well I do crack it, however quietly, and not directly at people. So if in the rare circumstance I have a go at someone, a close friend who knows me so well, I suspect a part of them cries internally.
I don’t mean to brag, but it’s just how it is, and I saw it in Blonde’s face and how it changed so much when I said it. Hubbie went “ooooh,” and I danced away, as you do at a wedding, but with my insides raging.
I later felt the true meaning of guilt and foot-in-the-mouth syndrome when I spoke to a close friend of Blonde’s. In talking about how we need to catch up, she mentioned how she had said to Blonde “I hope Miss S isn’t upset how I haven’t made an effort, I’ve been so busy,” to which she told me Blonde replied with “no, Miss S is so sweet she can’t get upset.”
Insert massively uncomfortable rock in centre of stomach.
I felt so bad. Blonde perhaps had her own issues that day; she was back in the country, having to deal with family issues even as she was at the wedding, and maybe was feeling a little envious that I was such a huge part of the bridal party, and she wasn’t. Maybe she had her own things going on.
I went to visit her at one stage at her table, and kind of, not really casually, but in a way so as not to get too deep into it, I said “I’m sorry about before, what I said, just forget it.”
She went “why? What happened? Why were you upset?”
I tried to brush it off, saying something like “don’t worry.” I was too ashamed to go through the real reasons; I felt too selfish to say ‘I feel like you don’t care about me’ when she had so much going on. Her behaviour following that was immaculate. Not to say you should crack it at your friends just to get them to pay attention to you, but she proved to me how much she does care, with remarks like “and this was here at your wedding, and I remember this, and that” etc and etc. She remembered things I didn’t. I felt touched, yet so bad for what I’d abruptly said.
She continues to send me messages from overseas, with things like “I bought you this. One for me, my sister and you.”
I see what you’re doing Blonde. I see.
My writing project has temporarily stalled. My first writing project. Intentionally I might add, which makes it acceptable I think. I’ve decided it’s inappropriate sending out a synopsis with chapters and all the bits and bobs to market the book, to prospective agents when it’s the yuletide/holiday season. So I’ve deliberately put it on hold until after Christmas, (which is now) but I’ve given myself the deadline of about 2-3 weeks into Jan by which to have it sent by, to the initial agent who showed interest if I reduced the word count.
Oh that. Yeah I didn’t get to reduce it by much. (very little, shh) But I figure she can’t tell that from the first 3 chapters.
Oh, and I still drink coffee. Like now. Hence my randomly impromptu post. I’m out.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
My Daily Horoscope
Today reads:
The creative impulse in you should be high today, Miss S., and you might decide to try your hand at writing. You may have a particular subject in mind to write about.
Um, do you know me? This is me, EVERYDAY.
You could also take a class in a subject that interests you, or actually do a little research on your own. You might even consider some long-distance travel for the purpose of learning as much as for pleasure.
I travel for both, thanks. And do you have the tickets for me while you’re there?
The sky’s the limit. Go for it!
Thanks! I will!
The creative impulse in you should be high today, Miss S., and you might decide to try your hand at writing. You may have a particular subject in mind to write about.
Um, do you know me? This is me, EVERYDAY.
You could also take a class in a subject that interests you, or actually do a little research on your own. You might even consider some long-distance travel for the purpose of learning as much as for pleasure.
I travel for both, thanks. And do you have the tickets for me while you’re there?
The sky’s the limit. Go for it!
Thanks! I will!
Friday, September 21, 2012
A letter to my boss
To my boss,
In recent days you have sent to our department a multitude of emails. The main point of all these emails is along these lines:
“there have been several mistakes discovered by other shit-faced departments in regards to our highly over-worked department, to which I now have to respond because I don’t have the guts to tell them where to go, or to actually acknowledge on some humble level that all of you actually work heaps and I undervalue your efforts greatly.”
(Of course she didn’t say that whole part, rather the first 6 words, the rest is wishful thinking)
“I would like to mention again not so kindly in CAPS, and break it down for you in an anyone-can-understand-this-even-kids-you-stupid-mofos numbered list, hoping that for once you will actually read this email and I will know if you haven’t because I’m sending a read receipt with it, SUCK.”
(Obviously, I’m over-exaggerating again, but I know what she REALLY wants to say…)
“1. Check fucking everything that you work on, down to the numbers, the print, in fact, spend about an hour checking you are working on the right thing before you even start to work.
2. Along with checking the sun has come out for the day and staring at the screen idiotically for hours on end, just in case, I’d like to re-iterate that you all have sooooo much work to do, so I’d like you to become magicians and find a way to check EVERYTHING on your computer screens, and hey even throw in an organisation routine for your desk for a little bit more pizazz and extra brownie points, but try and do it in the quickest time possible. So check, but skimp on the perfectionism. Got it?
3. Here are the things I want you to check, and I’ve broken it down for you in easy-to-read, itty-bitty points, ARSES:
- Check your screen is the correct width
- Check your screen is the correct height
- Check that your mouse is positioned perfectly 180 degrees to your screen, and at a 90 degree angle to your keyboard. (Your hand must always hover above the mouse, never rest.)
- Auto correct your screen every 5 minutes. If you fail to check in any 5 minute interval, increase the checking times five for your next check.
- Check all numbers on your screen go in sequential order. If not, re-start your computer and try again, repeating all steps above.
Continue this useless checking all day. Yet I want you to do all your work plus more, in about 5 minutes flat per project, because that’s really how quick you should be working. Good, you got that.
Finally, if at any stage you don’t know what to do, simply swivel your back-breaking chairs around and around for 5 times clockwise, then 5 times anti-clockwise, and then repeat all the steps above. If this makes you have to go toilet, don’t. the longer you hold it, the longer you will be rewarded.
This will ensure you are properly efficient and effective in all manners of work required.”
Why, thanks boss . Here is my reply.
A few interesting points I’d like to point out. We are a department predisposed to ‘attention to detail,’ (we’ll try ignore the fact you want us to do the likes of fine tuning an engine in 0.2 seconds). Considering we do a shitload amount of work of various job descriptions (many of them not ours), and churn out tens of hundreds of ‘projects,’ sometimes per day, it is interesting to note how we tend to get things right 99.9999999% of the time, I mean, in the greater scheme of things. Just saying. You know from a ‘positive’ perspective.
In any box of crayons there is always a couple broken ones. Instead of verbally bashing those of us who actually work (never mind me with my constant journaling – I am efficient thanks) why not pick on those who say, for example, um, constantly call in sick, constantly come to work late and then leave, stare at the screen aimlessly and just generally whinge and bitch and moan. Instead on focusing on those of us who actually do work, why not look at the ones who just surf the net, constantly email their overseas friends, the ones who are here, but never REALLY here? Why not send a department-wide email pointing them out, huh? That would be INTERESTING. Especially for YOUR boss to read…
Another good thing to mention. Next time you send out one of those kick-us-up-our-arses emails for apparently just doing our job, why don’t you spend that same day actually doing YOUR job, boss, so that when I walk past your desk I don’t find you:
a) Online shopping for clothes
b) Booking flights
c) Reading about gerbils
Just saying. The ‘do as I say, not as I do’ approach doesn’t really suit you. Like the colour green. Ugh. Don’t go there, really.
Sincerely,
Miss S (and the rest of us that actually work – which today is everyone seated around me, except for me right now.
Right, I’m getting back to it).
In recent days you have sent to our department a multitude of emails. The main point of all these emails is along these lines:
“there have been several mistakes discovered by other shit-faced departments in regards to our highly over-worked department, to which I now have to respond because I don’t have the guts to tell them where to go, or to actually acknowledge on some humble level that all of you actually work heaps and I undervalue your efforts greatly.”
(Of course she didn’t say that whole part, rather the first 6 words, the rest is wishful thinking)
“I would like to mention again not so kindly in CAPS, and break it down for you in an anyone-can-understand-this-even-kids-you-stupid-mofos numbered list, hoping that for once you will actually read this email and I will know if you haven’t because I’m sending a read receipt with it, SUCK.”
(Obviously, I’m over-exaggerating again, but I know what she REALLY wants to say…)
“1. Check fucking everything that you work on, down to the numbers, the print, in fact, spend about an hour checking you are working on the right thing before you even start to work.
2. Along with checking the sun has come out for the day and staring at the screen idiotically for hours on end, just in case, I’d like to re-iterate that you all have sooooo much work to do, so I’d like you to become magicians and find a way to check EVERYTHING on your computer screens, and hey even throw in an organisation routine for your desk for a little bit more pizazz and extra brownie points, but try and do it in the quickest time possible. So check, but skimp on the perfectionism. Got it?
3. Here are the things I want you to check, and I’ve broken it down for you in easy-to-read, itty-bitty points, ARSES:
- Check your screen is the correct width
- Check your screen is the correct height
- Check that your mouse is positioned perfectly 180 degrees to your screen, and at a 90 degree angle to your keyboard. (Your hand must always hover above the mouse, never rest.)
- Auto correct your screen every 5 minutes. If you fail to check in any 5 minute interval, increase the checking times five for your next check.
- Check all numbers on your screen go in sequential order. If not, re-start your computer and try again, repeating all steps above.
Continue this useless checking all day. Yet I want you to do all your work plus more, in about 5 minutes flat per project, because that’s really how quick you should be working. Good, you got that.
Finally, if at any stage you don’t know what to do, simply swivel your back-breaking chairs around and around for 5 times clockwise, then 5 times anti-clockwise, and then repeat all the steps above. If this makes you have to go toilet, don’t. the longer you hold it, the longer you will be rewarded.
This will ensure you are properly efficient and effective in all manners of work required.”
Why, thanks boss . Here is my reply.
A few interesting points I’d like to point out. We are a department predisposed to ‘attention to detail,’ (we’ll try ignore the fact you want us to do the likes of fine tuning an engine in 0.2 seconds). Considering we do a shitload amount of work of various job descriptions (many of them not ours), and churn out tens of hundreds of ‘projects,’ sometimes per day, it is interesting to note how we tend to get things right 99.9999999% of the time, I mean, in the greater scheme of things. Just saying. You know from a ‘positive’ perspective.
In any box of crayons there is always a couple broken ones. Instead of verbally bashing those of us who actually work (never mind me with my constant journaling – I am efficient thanks) why not pick on those who say, for example, um, constantly call in sick, constantly come to work late and then leave, stare at the screen aimlessly and just generally whinge and bitch and moan. Instead on focusing on those of us who actually do work, why not look at the ones who just surf the net, constantly email their overseas friends, the ones who are here, but never REALLY here? Why not send a department-wide email pointing them out, huh? That would be INTERESTING. Especially for YOUR boss to read…
Another good thing to mention. Next time you send out one of those kick-us-up-our-arses emails for apparently just doing our job, why don’t you spend that same day actually doing YOUR job, boss, so that when I walk past your desk I don’t find you:
a) Online shopping for clothes
b) Booking flights
c) Reading about gerbils
Just saying. The ‘do as I say, not as I do’ approach doesn’t really suit you. Like the colour green. Ugh. Don’t go there, really.
Sincerely,
Miss S (and the rest of us that actually work – which today is everyone seated around me, except for me right now.
Right, I’m getting back to it).
Coffee makes me go freaking insane
(Sing along to UB40s ‘Red Red Wine’)
Rich, dark, coffeeeeeee
Goes to my headddddd
Makes me believe that I
Can conquer the worldddddddd…
This is so true. It is Friday morning, I have my coffee sitting at my right, conveniently next to my mouse so that instead of getting back to work I can just reach out and take in some warm and inviting goodness instead. Puh, work. On a Friday? Whatever.
Coffee is natural, coffee is fun, coffee is best when it’s ‘One on One.’
Ok so I’m quoting George now, but really coffee IS natural, and it IS fun! And for the other, well of course…
I’m rambling now, I know. I’m psycho like this. I believe my Friday morning coffee increases my focus and heightens my work efficiency by about 40%. A shame that the only work I do is actually not work, instead my various writing projects.
(I have this post, I have another post in the back of my mind, and I have another journal post to write… ahh! The words are coming at me and I have to get them down!)
Yes. I believe my word frequency increases by approximately 30% after a feel-good caffeine kick-start. I have no research to support these statistics, only my mad mind estimating.
Despite all this extra efficiency and keen alertness, I couldn’t for the life of me work out a math riddle this morning. And my simple equations, I freaking know, my friend:
A work colleague asked me to buy him a muffin from the café where I buy my cappuccino from. My regular coffee is $3.40. He gave me $5.00. When I bought the muffin and coffee, the guy said he’d give me the special price (of course) of $5.00. First I thought, ‘just the muffin?’ until I realised he meant BOTH, combined. That IS special.
So my task was to calculate the muffin price, right, to give my work colleague the correct change back. So $5.00 - $3.40 (being the price of my muffin, so far so good) = $1.60. No! $3.40 being the price of my coffee, damn it!
Ok so if his muffin cost $1.60, $5.00-$1.60=…$3.40. Fuck me. I gave him $1.60. I couldn’t freaking work out the equation standing there half an hour ago with my coffee warming my head. I mean my hand. (Argh) On paper it makes sense…
Ahh! I didn’t even do that right. I gave him $3.60, not $1.60. See? Even then I overpaid him 20 cents. Whatever man, whatever…
I’m so fucking confused right now. Even putting it on paper doesn’t make much sense.
See what coffee does? It makes me right, like all good, and makes me forget my math’s shit…
(The above were two obvious deliberate spelling/grammar mistakes, like duh, like as if I would ever… :) )
Rich, dark, coffeeeeeee
Goes to my headddddd
Makes me believe that I
Can conquer the worldddddddd…
This is so true. It is Friday morning, I have my coffee sitting at my right, conveniently next to my mouse so that instead of getting back to work I can just reach out and take in some warm and inviting goodness instead. Puh, work. On a Friday? Whatever.
Coffee is natural, coffee is fun, coffee is best when it’s ‘One on One.’
Ok so I’m quoting George now, but really coffee IS natural, and it IS fun! And for the other, well of course…
I’m rambling now, I know. I’m psycho like this. I believe my Friday morning coffee increases my focus and heightens my work efficiency by about 40%. A shame that the only work I do is actually not work, instead my various writing projects.
(I have this post, I have another post in the back of my mind, and I have another journal post to write… ahh! The words are coming at me and I have to get them down!)
Yes. I believe my word frequency increases by approximately 30% after a feel-good caffeine kick-start. I have no research to support these statistics, only my mad mind estimating.
Despite all this extra efficiency and keen alertness, I couldn’t for the life of me work out a math riddle this morning. And my simple equations, I freaking know, my friend:
A work colleague asked me to buy him a muffin from the café where I buy my cappuccino from. My regular coffee is $3.40. He gave me $5.00. When I bought the muffin and coffee, the guy said he’d give me the special price (of course) of $5.00. First I thought, ‘just the muffin?’ until I realised he meant BOTH, combined. That IS special.
So my task was to calculate the muffin price, right, to give my work colleague the correct change back. So $5.00 - $3.40 (being the price of my muffin, so far so good) = $1.60. No! $3.40 being the price of my coffee, damn it!
Ok so if his muffin cost $1.60, $5.00-$1.60=…$3.40. Fuck me. I gave him $1.60. I couldn’t freaking work out the equation standing there half an hour ago with my coffee warming my head. I mean my hand. (Argh) On paper it makes sense…
Ahh! I didn’t even do that right. I gave him $3.60, not $1.60. See? Even then I overpaid him 20 cents. Whatever man, whatever…
I’m so fucking confused right now. Even putting it on paper doesn’t make much sense.
See what coffee does? It makes me right, like all good, and makes me forget my math’s shit…
(The above were two obvious deliberate spelling/grammar mistakes, like duh, like as if I would ever… :) )
Monday, July 30, 2012
Imagination can drive you to Insanity
I’ve come to a very unhealthy conclusion. My imagination is both my greatest strength as it is my Achilles heel.
I haven’t been writing creatively (as in story book writing) for a couple of weeks, as I try to leave my work alone, letting it stew in my head as I continue to get slow trickling feedback on my book via the few people who are actually reading it (more on that later). Apart from my blogging and other journaling, this removal from writing and thinking about my characters, the absence of being in their world and constantly thinking up inventive ways to make the work interesting, has given me TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK. Waaayyyyy too much time. And it’s not good. Not good at all.
Shit happens when I think too much. I over-analyse. I create bullshit scenarios in my head that aren’t true. I imagine how much better my life can be, when there is actually no problems in it (minus Motor-Mouth – there’s a name you haven’t heard in a while – but I’m just learning how to completely ignore her shit so all is relatively good there).
Just last week, I was talking to Densley on our morning coffee walk, and he mentioned a FB status of mine where I mentioned something about finding myself. He said to me “why would you be upset? You’ve got everything anyone could want in life!”
He completely stumped me there. Both for his frankness, and for apparently knowing me, or perceiving my life better than I was doing myself. I replied with a smile “maybe one day we can talk about it, I’ll tell you then.” Of course I was referring to my book, my upsets over work, and other projects Hubbie and I have going on in our personal life at home, but I didn’t wanna tell him that, as it’s all very private right now.
Yet I felt such a sudden awareness, a selfishness overcome me with his words, and I had to think “am I creating elephants out of ants as I usually do?” Am I really upset for no good reason at all?
It’s my freaking head. I need to write. I’ve had so many creative stories running through me for over a year now, that upon completion and failing to continue to use that now-trained part of my brain, I’m finding myself looking to create dramas and angst in my own life, when there is no reason to. There is no need to, but try telling the overused part of my head that, the part that like your mother wants to cook for you even when you have moved out of home.
The findings? Well I need to try and stop thinking, or start channelling these creativities into my next book, before I completely screw up my life and everything in it with my magical fixed-ness to unbroken things. I have sent off an email today to a prospective agent (everyone is prospective to me) hoping that they will like what I tell them about my story and ask to see some at the very least of my manuscript. I’m putting off checking my email for a response for as long as possible, trying not to get far ahead of myself. Maybe I should be putting my energies into writing up a good synopsis. Yet the thought terrifies me. Shudder.
On a partially connected note, I have been completely blown away by my sister’s response to my story. She is one of the busiest people I know, and I’m grateful just for the fact that she has agreed to look at it. But no, she’s gone further. She’s already read 3 chapters and is constantly giving me chapter by chapter feedback, despite her unyielding manic family schedule. And she likes it, she actually likes it, and no, she wouldn’t lie to me.
My sister is giving me what I thought Red would. As besties, Red and I have been inspiring each other about our respective passions for over a year now. It took her a week to actually pick up my manuscript and start reading from the day I actually gave it to her (she messaged me on Friday night when she said she turned the first page) yet I haven’t heard a thing from her since. I absolutely refuse to message her and ask what she thinks, in a kind of fear of what she’ll say, but I also feel it’s not up to me to say anything. I just can’t believe she hasn’t: this is so unlike her. I completely expected her to be all like “it’s good” if not “I love it!” but nothing. Is it that shit? Has she been busy? Did she start reading and then have to stop, and doesn’t want to give feedback on the first chapter until she’s finished it? But she would have messaged me that that was what’s happening! That’s the confusing thing!
It’s been going round and around in my head all weekend, and even Hubbie agrees it’s weird of her not to messaged me by now. She’s not the jealous type, and she has been so supportive through all of this, excited for me, telling me “I can’t wait to read it Miss S.!” And now… NOTHING! Nothing at all! I’m sticking to my guns and refusing to message her, and I will hold out for a long time (until I need to get my hair coloured which will be about a week and a half from now so until then I can’t message her…)
My sister and Red have had a complete role reversal. I didn’t expect my Sis to give me as much feedback as she has, and to be so enthusiastic as she has been because of how busy she is, and yet she has. At least I’m getting SOME positive feedback…
And then my other bestie, Blonde – I don’t even KNOW where in the world she is. I love her to bits, but I think she’s travelling somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know where or for how long. I want to tell her about finishing my book and catch up on her life, and she’s virtually in-contactable. (Apparently that’s not a word, but screw it).
Both my besties are MIA. And I have a head full of imagination to contend with. Just great.
I haven’t been writing creatively (as in story book writing) for a couple of weeks, as I try to leave my work alone, letting it stew in my head as I continue to get slow trickling feedback on my book via the few people who are actually reading it (more on that later). Apart from my blogging and other journaling, this removal from writing and thinking about my characters, the absence of being in their world and constantly thinking up inventive ways to make the work interesting, has given me TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK. Waaayyyyy too much time. And it’s not good. Not good at all.
Shit happens when I think too much. I over-analyse. I create bullshit scenarios in my head that aren’t true. I imagine how much better my life can be, when there is actually no problems in it (minus Motor-Mouth – there’s a name you haven’t heard in a while – but I’m just learning how to completely ignore her shit so all is relatively good there).
Just last week, I was talking to Densley on our morning coffee walk, and he mentioned a FB status of mine where I mentioned something about finding myself. He said to me “why would you be upset? You’ve got everything anyone could want in life!”
He completely stumped me there. Both for his frankness, and for apparently knowing me, or perceiving my life better than I was doing myself. I replied with a smile “maybe one day we can talk about it, I’ll tell you then.” Of course I was referring to my book, my upsets over work, and other projects Hubbie and I have going on in our personal life at home, but I didn’t wanna tell him that, as it’s all very private right now.
Yet I felt such a sudden awareness, a selfishness overcome me with his words, and I had to think “am I creating elephants out of ants as I usually do?” Am I really upset for no good reason at all?
It’s my freaking head. I need to write. I’ve had so many creative stories running through me for over a year now, that upon completion and failing to continue to use that now-trained part of my brain, I’m finding myself looking to create dramas and angst in my own life, when there is no reason to. There is no need to, but try telling the overused part of my head that, the part that like your mother wants to cook for you even when you have moved out of home.
The findings? Well I need to try and stop thinking, or start channelling these creativities into my next book, before I completely screw up my life and everything in it with my magical fixed-ness to unbroken things. I have sent off an email today to a prospective agent (everyone is prospective to me) hoping that they will like what I tell them about my story and ask to see some at the very least of my manuscript. I’m putting off checking my email for a response for as long as possible, trying not to get far ahead of myself. Maybe I should be putting my energies into writing up a good synopsis. Yet the thought terrifies me. Shudder.
On a partially connected note, I have been completely blown away by my sister’s response to my story. She is one of the busiest people I know, and I’m grateful just for the fact that she has agreed to look at it. But no, she’s gone further. She’s already read 3 chapters and is constantly giving me chapter by chapter feedback, despite her unyielding manic family schedule. And she likes it, she actually likes it, and no, she wouldn’t lie to me.
My sister is giving me what I thought Red would. As besties, Red and I have been inspiring each other about our respective passions for over a year now. It took her a week to actually pick up my manuscript and start reading from the day I actually gave it to her (she messaged me on Friday night when she said she turned the first page) yet I haven’t heard a thing from her since. I absolutely refuse to message her and ask what she thinks, in a kind of fear of what she’ll say, but I also feel it’s not up to me to say anything. I just can’t believe she hasn’t: this is so unlike her. I completely expected her to be all like “it’s good” if not “I love it!” but nothing. Is it that shit? Has she been busy? Did she start reading and then have to stop, and doesn’t want to give feedback on the first chapter until she’s finished it? But she would have messaged me that that was what’s happening! That’s the confusing thing!
It’s been going round and around in my head all weekend, and even Hubbie agrees it’s weird of her not to messaged me by now. She’s not the jealous type, and she has been so supportive through all of this, excited for me, telling me “I can’t wait to read it Miss S.!” And now… NOTHING! Nothing at all! I’m sticking to my guns and refusing to message her, and I will hold out for a long time (until I need to get my hair coloured which will be about a week and a half from now so until then I can’t message her…)
My sister and Red have had a complete role reversal. I didn’t expect my Sis to give me as much feedback as she has, and to be so enthusiastic as she has been because of how busy she is, and yet she has. At least I’m getting SOME positive feedback…
And then my other bestie, Blonde – I don’t even KNOW where in the world she is. I love her to bits, but I think she’s travelling somewhere in Europe, and I don’t know where or for how long. I want to tell her about finishing my book and catch up on her life, and she’s virtually in-contactable. (Apparently that’s not a word, but screw it).
Both my besties are MIA. And I have a head full of imagination to contend with. Just great.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
R-E-S-P-E-C-T sings Aretha, I sing…
A-P-P-R-E-C-I-A-T-I-O-N.
Well they’re kind of the same difference aren’t they? They both have the letters R, E, P, C, and T in them. Ooh make a new word, it spells CREPT.
But no, I’m not thinking of creeping. Appreciation is the key. It’s something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately. I hate jumping on these negatively geared bandwagons when it comes to my current work, but honestly, it’s so hard not to.
My boss had to go on sick leave like a gazillion months ago. Before you say anything, I AM sensitive to her situation, but the way the powers-that-be handled it, I am most definitely not.
Then her little man, let’s call him the second in charge, 2IC if you may, went on leave himself for over a month. That left the reigns to myself and the rest of the team, and without blowing my own horn here, let’s face it, I and I alone was the one thrown with the crap and responsibility of taking-care-of-business duties.
As with last year, when the same boss was on sick leave, and the same 2IC went on leave (it was only a week then, but I was petrified of failing somehow in my job the entire long 5 days) I had pretty much no assistance or guidance THE ENTIRE TIME. The team were of course brilliant. Sometimes they pissed me off, but only when I had to practically spoon-feed some to the point of “when I send an email saying do A, please do A, rather than X which is what you’re doing now. Or else I’ll cut off your hands.” (I really did think of sending an email about dislodging hands, no joke).
But otherwise when I asked, they helped, which was great, seeing as no one else helped me. My boss’s boss (who I’ve previously referred to in this blog as the grand-daddy boss – ew) wasn’t on leave though, as with last year when we had the same circumstance. And once again, he completely blended into the background to just sit and watch everything unfold.
You might say ‘but you need to speak up.’ On the ONE occasion this time that I asked him something, he responded very coldly, and I reminded myself to never ask him a question again. It was about whether I was required to attend a certain meeting. These meetings are pure bullshit, and just an excuse to step out of the work area and do NOTHING, as most work meetings are, right?
I thought I could stop attending, because our boss who was on sick leave was now participating in these meetings via phone conference. And seeing I was attending in her absence, and now she no longer was absent… I thought I’d give it a shot to see I could be given the kind privilege of being excused and doing some actual work with so many people in our department on leave and sick leave.
But no. I was told I should still attend. Very briskly if I might add. I thought this quite irritating, and also very amusing in some offended way of mine. He barely acknowledges me in the meetings and around the workplace. I felt this made even more apparent yesterday when he walked by me to deliberately talk to some other team members, advising them of some technical issues we’re having. He was addressing them, when I was right to his side.
I don’t believe he does it deliberately, but I do believe he has no fucking idea how to speak to women who are straight. I’m sorry to offend anyone out there, and I’m definitely not going to stereotype and project this to all gay men, because I know some who actually can speak to women normally, but this grand-daddy has no female-sensitive bone in his body.
No problems talking to the gay guys. Hey, give them a pat on the back, laugh and find excuses to talk, even organise your gay parties for gay-only employees and decorate your house with penises and other phallic instruments, because hey, that’s not considered unethical in any way or workplace sexual harassment especially when you tell these gay men they have to come because you’ve changed the date of the party so they can come.
No, not weird at all.
Even the lesbian chicks. Yeah, they’re cool, they get it. They like chicks, but it’s different, you don’t have to compete with them, true grand-daddy?
But the straight girls? Heaven help me work out why he can’t speak to me, especially when I’m married, and he’s told me he wants me to step up and become my boss’s right-hand person. I’m the best fucking worker he’ll ever lose when I say sayonara to this place and embark on my fantastic passion-fuelled writing career, and he won’t even realise it until I walk into his office and say “do you have a minute?”
I don’t mean this to become an issue on sexual orientation. I know there are people out there who don’t base their work relationships and friendships on a person’s preference to how they wish to live their life – hell I don’t, some of the people I best get along with are gay/lesbian. But unfortunately, and I’m not the only one to see this around here too, grand-daddy does. Whether he is in acknowledgement of his preferential treatment or not, I don’t know, but it’s still not fair.
I know had I been a lesbian, or a gay male, or even just male, he would have been doting all over me while I was in charge. He would have made sure I was ok, checked in to see how I was going, and offered advice in some troubling situations (and there were many). Instead he barked orders at me the few times he did realise I was there, and completely ignored me the rest of the time, to the point that I believed if I didn’t turn up to work, he wouldn’t even know, because apparently, I’M INVISIBLE.
But of course, in accordance with Murphy’s Law, the mofo would have realised, and I would have gotten in trouble, of course. Because I’m straight.
It makes me feel sad, because everything I do at work is to the best of my abilities. I don’t want to brag, but I’m a great worker: I care about my work, and I’m a perfectionist. I know I plan on leaving this place (how sweet that day will be) but while I’m here, I would like to be acknowledged. Appreciated. Respected. I didn’t really expect an all-round pay-rise, but hey, maybe a pay rise/bonus during the time I was in charge would have been really good. It would have made me feel that my contribution here is worthwhile, that I am noticed. But nope nothing. And you know what? Even my team thinks I should have gotten a pay rise. Quite a few of them have told me that individually, and it’s even good knowing that SOMEONE – albeit not the guy who gives out the cash, but still – thinks I’m worthy.
No money though. Not even so much as a thank you from my boss who came back from sick leave. I understand she has her own stuff to deal with, being sick and all, but all I would have wanted was a thank you. Instead I got a joking thank you about her now going to the dreaded meetings instead of me, and I think her joke was in response to an angry status I put on my FB about the importance of appreciation. I don’t care if she thinks I’m having a dig at work, at grand-daddy, at her even. Because I am having a dig. And what they did was just wrong, wrong, wrong.
When I’m running my own business, I’ll never treat my employees this disrespectfully. I’ll say, please, thank you, and appreciate them for every day of work they do. And give them days off for their birthdays.
That’s the problem with big corporations you see. They get so big, that they can’t see the ants at the bottom turning the massive wheel. They don’t even care when they ‘accidentally’ step on them with their humongous boots in the process…
Well they’re kind of the same difference aren’t they? They both have the letters R, E, P, C, and T in them. Ooh make a new word, it spells CREPT.
But no, I’m not thinking of creeping. Appreciation is the key. It’s something I’ve been thinking of a lot lately. I hate jumping on these negatively geared bandwagons when it comes to my current work, but honestly, it’s so hard not to.
My boss had to go on sick leave like a gazillion months ago. Before you say anything, I AM sensitive to her situation, but the way the powers-that-be handled it, I am most definitely not.
Then her little man, let’s call him the second in charge, 2IC if you may, went on leave himself for over a month. That left the reigns to myself and the rest of the team, and without blowing my own horn here, let’s face it, I and I alone was the one thrown with the crap and responsibility of taking-care-of-business duties.
As with last year, when the same boss was on sick leave, and the same 2IC went on leave (it was only a week then, but I was petrified of failing somehow in my job the entire long 5 days) I had pretty much no assistance or guidance THE ENTIRE TIME. The team were of course brilliant. Sometimes they pissed me off, but only when I had to practically spoon-feed some to the point of “when I send an email saying do A, please do A, rather than X which is what you’re doing now. Or else I’ll cut off your hands.” (I really did think of sending an email about dislodging hands, no joke).
But otherwise when I asked, they helped, which was great, seeing as no one else helped me. My boss’s boss (who I’ve previously referred to in this blog as the grand-daddy boss – ew) wasn’t on leave though, as with last year when we had the same circumstance. And once again, he completely blended into the background to just sit and watch everything unfold.
You might say ‘but you need to speak up.’ On the ONE occasion this time that I asked him something, he responded very coldly, and I reminded myself to never ask him a question again. It was about whether I was required to attend a certain meeting. These meetings are pure bullshit, and just an excuse to step out of the work area and do NOTHING, as most work meetings are, right?
I thought I could stop attending, because our boss who was on sick leave was now participating in these meetings via phone conference. And seeing I was attending in her absence, and now she no longer was absent… I thought I’d give it a shot to see I could be given the kind privilege of being excused and doing some actual work with so many people in our department on leave and sick leave.
But no. I was told I should still attend. Very briskly if I might add. I thought this quite irritating, and also very amusing in some offended way of mine. He barely acknowledges me in the meetings and around the workplace. I felt this made even more apparent yesterday when he walked by me to deliberately talk to some other team members, advising them of some technical issues we’re having. He was addressing them, when I was right to his side.
I don’t believe he does it deliberately, but I do believe he has no fucking idea how to speak to women who are straight. I’m sorry to offend anyone out there, and I’m definitely not going to stereotype and project this to all gay men, because I know some who actually can speak to women normally, but this grand-daddy has no female-sensitive bone in his body.
No problems talking to the gay guys. Hey, give them a pat on the back, laugh and find excuses to talk, even organise your gay parties for gay-only employees and decorate your house with penises and other phallic instruments, because hey, that’s not considered unethical in any way or workplace sexual harassment especially when you tell these gay men they have to come because you’ve changed the date of the party so they can come.
No, not weird at all.
Even the lesbian chicks. Yeah, they’re cool, they get it. They like chicks, but it’s different, you don’t have to compete with them, true grand-daddy?
But the straight girls? Heaven help me work out why he can’t speak to me, especially when I’m married, and he’s told me he wants me to step up and become my boss’s right-hand person. I’m the best fucking worker he’ll ever lose when I say sayonara to this place and embark on my fantastic passion-fuelled writing career, and he won’t even realise it until I walk into his office and say “do you have a minute?”
I don’t mean this to become an issue on sexual orientation. I know there are people out there who don’t base their work relationships and friendships on a person’s preference to how they wish to live their life – hell I don’t, some of the people I best get along with are gay/lesbian. But unfortunately, and I’m not the only one to see this around here too, grand-daddy does. Whether he is in acknowledgement of his preferential treatment or not, I don’t know, but it’s still not fair.
I know had I been a lesbian, or a gay male, or even just male, he would have been doting all over me while I was in charge. He would have made sure I was ok, checked in to see how I was going, and offered advice in some troubling situations (and there were many). Instead he barked orders at me the few times he did realise I was there, and completely ignored me the rest of the time, to the point that I believed if I didn’t turn up to work, he wouldn’t even know, because apparently, I’M INVISIBLE.
But of course, in accordance with Murphy’s Law, the mofo would have realised, and I would have gotten in trouble, of course. Because I’m straight.
It makes me feel sad, because everything I do at work is to the best of my abilities. I don’t want to brag, but I’m a great worker: I care about my work, and I’m a perfectionist. I know I plan on leaving this place (how sweet that day will be) but while I’m here, I would like to be acknowledged. Appreciated. Respected. I didn’t really expect an all-round pay-rise, but hey, maybe a pay rise/bonus during the time I was in charge would have been really good. It would have made me feel that my contribution here is worthwhile, that I am noticed. But nope nothing. And you know what? Even my team thinks I should have gotten a pay rise. Quite a few of them have told me that individually, and it’s even good knowing that SOMEONE – albeit not the guy who gives out the cash, but still – thinks I’m worthy.
No money though. Not even so much as a thank you from my boss who came back from sick leave. I understand she has her own stuff to deal with, being sick and all, but all I would have wanted was a thank you. Instead I got a joking thank you about her now going to the dreaded meetings instead of me, and I think her joke was in response to an angry status I put on my FB about the importance of appreciation. I don’t care if she thinks I’m having a dig at work, at grand-daddy, at her even. Because I am having a dig. And what they did was just wrong, wrong, wrong.
When I’m running my own business, I’ll never treat my employees this disrespectfully. I’ll say, please, thank you, and appreciate them for every day of work they do. And give them days off for their birthdays.
That’s the problem with big corporations you see. They get so big, that they can’t see the ants at the bottom turning the massive wheel. They don’t even care when they ‘accidentally’ step on them with their humongous boots in the process…
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Every freaking shade of grey possible.
I’ve been under the humungous naïve preconception that the writing of my book was going to be the hardest work out of all hard-works in the entire process to publication. Hence my highly premature and over-excited recent posts. Well look, I’m allowed to celebrate that part, it is exciting. But I just thought the greatest toil and turmoil was over…
How wrong I was.
My purchase of, subsequent thinking-of-when-to-read, followed by my starting-to-read Fifty Shades of Grey, has coincided with the research of all things that will get me on the road to getting published.
As I stared at the book on the coffee table, thinking I should read it when I finish my King one, I was in the midst of looking into agents/publishing houses/solicited manuscripts vs. unsolicited manuscripts: and I didn’t feel good about what I was reading at all.
Then I would go back to staring at the Grey book, and the thought of it made me sick. I couldn’t work it out. Why was the thought of reading it making me feel wrong, unhappy, unwell, repulsed even? It had nothing to do with the content of the book – hell I thoroughly enjoy sex and think it an exceptionally vital part of life. It wasn’t that, I was very well aware of the content, as advised by Blonde.
No, it was something else. When I was reading Twilight, I was thinking of writing, thinking of what to write and where to start, however I still allowed myself to be absorbed in the story and become captivated, even a bit obsessed by it.
This time, I’ve started reading Grey following the completion of my story. Following Hubbie having read the 1st four pages of it, and having Mum read the entire thing (in one go, see previous post). Also following the fear of seeing it in hard copy, following the antagonism of realising I can edit more of it, and following Hubbie telling me “look, I don’t read, but there’s a lot of explaining in here…” … following from comments like that, intense DOUBT creeping in.
I was so consumed in the world of my book for such a long time. Hearing about Grey's author supposedly earning 1 million a week for her series, hearing about the book continuously on the radio, and having people I know read and like it, and recommend me to like it, has left me feeling…
Crap. Sick. A bit jealous? Gosh I hate that emotion. And a little part of me is scared. Terrified even.
Why?
Because I don’t want to get obsessed about another’s work… even though finishing chapter 3 of Grey last night I feel I well and truly am on my way. Getting obsessed in another's world, when I should be in my own… does it mean my world’s not good enough? Who will be enthralled by the world I’ve created, when so many are currently consumed by Grey?
Ahhhh! I hate the way I’m thinking! I HATE IT! But unfortunately, I can’t stop the feelings.
I coach myself. I say “Miss S., you can’t compare your book to Grey. It’s a completely different genre.”
“Miss S., there are no limitations in this world, only the ones you impose on yourself. There are enough authors and stories to go around.”
“Miss S., you don’t over explain. It’s called establishing. Hubbie would know that if he read books.”
But none of those arguments hold any weight. I know that because the same sick, heavy feeling remains. Unmoving, just sitting, THERE, in the pit of my stomach.
Deep breath.
Throwing oil on the flame is the fact that apparently:
Many publishers don’t accept unsolicited manuscripts.
Many agents only accept writers with a contract (which you get through a publisher) or writers who have been published before.
And the ugly circle of being screwed in the middle with no place to go begins.
I have neither of the above. The only light I get from the above info - which I gained from another blog - (which in its sum was actually quite positive about the publishing process, inspiring hope and all) was the operative word in both statements. Most. There are publishers that accept unsolicited manuscripts, and there are agents that are looking for new, raw, undiscovered talent. And every undiscovered writer in Australia wants to be that one needle in the haystack, that unpolished gem that’s found by a hard-nosed and passionate agent/publisher.
I’m part of that passionate (desperate almost, even?) bunch of undiscovered writers that wants to be published. Fuck yeah I am. I’m freaking shitty with myself now for even writing the previous doubt-inducing, sad, woeful sentences that came before this.
Mofos, I will do this. I will succeed. Yes there is work to be done, research to be had. Yes there are no rainbows shooting out of my book to catch the expectant and hopeful eye of some passing agent/publisher. But if they’re not shooting now, I will make them shoot, and shoot far and wide they will.
And I refuse to belittle myself with jealousy games. I will read ALL 3 Fifty Shades books, and I know I will enjoy it. I will not reduce myself to stupidity because I had a momentary moment of feeling threatened. I’m NOT threatened: Grey writer deserves the success, the attention, and the money. She isn’t the first, and she won’t be the last.
She WON’T be the last. Because I’m coming mother-fuckers.
How wrong I was.
My purchase of, subsequent thinking-of-when-to-read, followed by my starting-to-read Fifty Shades of Grey, has coincided with the research of all things that will get me on the road to getting published.
As I stared at the book on the coffee table, thinking I should read it when I finish my King one, I was in the midst of looking into agents/publishing houses/solicited manuscripts vs. unsolicited manuscripts: and I didn’t feel good about what I was reading at all.
Then I would go back to staring at the Grey book, and the thought of it made me sick. I couldn’t work it out. Why was the thought of reading it making me feel wrong, unhappy, unwell, repulsed even? It had nothing to do with the content of the book – hell I thoroughly enjoy sex and think it an exceptionally vital part of life. It wasn’t that, I was very well aware of the content, as advised by Blonde.
No, it was something else. When I was reading Twilight, I was thinking of writing, thinking of what to write and where to start, however I still allowed myself to be absorbed in the story and become captivated, even a bit obsessed by it.
This time, I’ve started reading Grey following the completion of my story. Following Hubbie having read the 1st four pages of it, and having Mum read the entire thing (in one go, see previous post). Also following the fear of seeing it in hard copy, following the antagonism of realising I can edit more of it, and following Hubbie telling me “look, I don’t read, but there’s a lot of explaining in here…” … following from comments like that, intense DOUBT creeping in.
I was so consumed in the world of my book for such a long time. Hearing about Grey's author supposedly earning 1 million a week for her series, hearing about the book continuously on the radio, and having people I know read and like it, and recommend me to like it, has left me feeling…
Crap. Sick. A bit jealous? Gosh I hate that emotion. And a little part of me is scared. Terrified even.
Why?
Because I don’t want to get obsessed about another’s work… even though finishing chapter 3 of Grey last night I feel I well and truly am on my way. Getting obsessed in another's world, when I should be in my own… does it mean my world’s not good enough? Who will be enthralled by the world I’ve created, when so many are currently consumed by Grey?
Ahhhh! I hate the way I’m thinking! I HATE IT! But unfortunately, I can’t stop the feelings.
I coach myself. I say “Miss S., you can’t compare your book to Grey. It’s a completely different genre.”
“Miss S., there are no limitations in this world, only the ones you impose on yourself. There are enough authors and stories to go around.”
“Miss S., you don’t over explain. It’s called establishing. Hubbie would know that if he read books.”
But none of those arguments hold any weight. I know that because the same sick, heavy feeling remains. Unmoving, just sitting, THERE, in the pit of my stomach.
Deep breath.
Throwing oil on the flame is the fact that apparently:
Many publishers don’t accept unsolicited manuscripts.
Many agents only accept writers with a contract (which you get through a publisher) or writers who have been published before.
And the ugly circle of being screwed in the middle with no place to go begins.
I have neither of the above. The only light I get from the above info - which I gained from another blog - (which in its sum was actually quite positive about the publishing process, inspiring hope and all) was the operative word in both statements. Most. There are publishers that accept unsolicited manuscripts, and there are agents that are looking for new, raw, undiscovered talent. And every undiscovered writer in Australia wants to be that one needle in the haystack, that unpolished gem that’s found by a hard-nosed and passionate agent/publisher.
I’m part of that passionate (desperate almost, even?) bunch of undiscovered writers that wants to be published. Fuck yeah I am. I’m freaking shitty with myself now for even writing the previous doubt-inducing, sad, woeful sentences that came before this.
Mofos, I will do this. I will succeed. Yes there is work to be done, research to be had. Yes there are no rainbows shooting out of my book to catch the expectant and hopeful eye of some passing agent/publisher. But if they’re not shooting now, I will make them shoot, and shoot far and wide they will.
And I refuse to belittle myself with jealousy games. I will read ALL 3 Fifty Shades books, and I know I will enjoy it. I will not reduce myself to stupidity because I had a momentary moment of feeling threatened. I’m NOT threatened: Grey writer deserves the success, the attention, and the money. She isn’t the first, and she won’t be the last.
She WON’T be the last. Because I’m coming mother-fuckers.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Half a ream, and a full ink and a half cartridge later…
… and 275 pages came out of my printer last night. Well actually 277, including the front cover and the… ‘other’ bit. No actually, it was definitely more, because when the ink started running out I had to cancel the print job, so I had a couple of scratchy looking pages that I had to re-print…
So let’s just say 280+.
It took a while let me tell you. I don’t have the newest printer, but those pages were coming out fast, and I was trying to make sure they dried (very slightly) whilst keeping them in order, which kept me constantly checking page after page. In total it took up 45 minutes of my time.
Stapling all the chapters together was like ‘wow.’ First seeing my work, my words on actual paper… it was weird. I don’t know how to describe it. It was just different. I this weird sense of ‘this is it?’
When I finally handed the bundled papers to Hubbie, I was feeling ecstatic, nervous, happy and very emotional. Emotional evident from the fact that after I gave it to him I burst out into tears, turning into a crying, sobbing mess.
Even handing it over… it was so odd. I’ve been wanting to do it for so long, to finish the story and have someone I love tell me what they think. But I had this sense of not wanting to give it. Whether because it’s been MY story for so long, and now it becomes someone else’s… whether it’s because I feel it’s a part of me, and it’s like I’m giving away a part of myself… or maybe because I’m just bloody nervous about the critiques I’ll get.
I think it’s a combination of all these things.
Hubbie did lighten the mood though. When I gave it to him he was like “What? It’s ALL this? This is one book?”
LOLOL. I’m chuckling to myself now just remembering his reaction.
He thought all the different stapled parts which I’d sectioned to create the chapters was actually ONE COPY EACH, and that I’d made several copies to give to family and friends.
“No, this is one book. You think I’ve been working for over a year on just this?” I flipped through the pages of one chapter, roughly 20 pages worth.
“Far. It’s massive.”
“You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to…” (as all good wives do I set the test, the challenge…)
“I want to.” (and he passed with flying colours).
I’m going to make a document where there is slightly smaller font though, because it ended up looking bigger than I expected on page. And there were so many bloody pages! I’ll use this doc to print further copies for my sister, Red, my Mum if she wants to read it…
I need to get me some more paper and ink.
So let’s just say 280+.
It took a while let me tell you. I don’t have the newest printer, but those pages were coming out fast, and I was trying to make sure they dried (very slightly) whilst keeping them in order, which kept me constantly checking page after page. In total it took up 45 minutes of my time.
Stapling all the chapters together was like ‘wow.’ First seeing my work, my words on actual paper… it was weird. I don’t know how to describe it. It was just different. I this weird sense of ‘this is it?’
When I finally handed the bundled papers to Hubbie, I was feeling ecstatic, nervous, happy and very emotional. Emotional evident from the fact that after I gave it to him I burst out into tears, turning into a crying, sobbing mess.
Even handing it over… it was so odd. I’ve been wanting to do it for so long, to finish the story and have someone I love tell me what they think. But I had this sense of not wanting to give it. Whether because it’s been MY story for so long, and now it becomes someone else’s… whether it’s because I feel it’s a part of me, and it’s like I’m giving away a part of myself… or maybe because I’m just bloody nervous about the critiques I’ll get.
I think it’s a combination of all these things.
Hubbie did lighten the mood though. When I gave it to him he was like “What? It’s ALL this? This is one book?”
LOLOL. I’m chuckling to myself now just remembering his reaction.
He thought all the different stapled parts which I’d sectioned to create the chapters was actually ONE COPY EACH, and that I’d made several copies to give to family and friends.
“No, this is one book. You think I’ve been working for over a year on just this?” I flipped through the pages of one chapter, roughly 20 pages worth.
“Far. It’s massive.”
“You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to…” (as all good wives do I set the test, the challenge…)
“I want to.” (and he passed with flying colours).
I’m going to make a document where there is slightly smaller font though, because it ended up looking bigger than I expected on page. And there were so many bloody pages! I’ll use this doc to print further copies for my sister, Red, my Mum if she wants to read it…
I need to get me some more paper and ink.
Monday, July 9, 2012
I'm the missing Pointer sister…
Too right I am. I’m not sure if I’m the 3rd, or 4th, or even the 5th member (I believe they have had a number of various sisters part of their group at various times), but for popularities sake, let’s go with when they were at their peak. That would make me the 4th member then.
And I’m so excited.
It’s Monday, and I have a couple of hours ‘til I finish work. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to pack my bags here, I can’t wait to make the 15 minute walk to the car park. I can’t wait to drive home, singing and smiling to myself in the car. I can’t wait to prepare dinner, then eat it, and share catch-up conversation with Hubbie on his day today.
I can’t wait to give him a big huh, and a great big passionate kiss. I can’t wait for all of those things.
But one thing I can’t wait for most: I can’t wait to start print on my official finished copy of my book.
:-D :-D :-D
Last night I made the last minor additions. There are some things I had to very briefly research today, but it was so quick, that I don’t really have to add anything to the story, I just need to check one thing, and then press the P button.
:-D :-D :-D
I am soooo excited. I’m giddy, nervous, jumpy and happy. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long, the moment when I can say to myself “I’ve done the best I can” and hand over a copy of it to someone I love to be critiqued. That thought makes me sick, as it does happy. I’m ready for it, and I can’t believe the day has come, 1 year and 4 months after starting the book, almost 2 years since having the idea of actually writing a book pop into my mind.
It’s such an arduous, mentally-draining process, and I loved it all. It was inspiring, it was thrilling, and I was amazed at how at times the book seemed to write itself. It was a magical, suspenseful, invigorating experience, and I can’t wait to start it all again.
This is only the beginning.
The thought of handing over my work, my pain, my toil, my passion…
I think I might just start crying tonight from happiness…
:-D
And I’m so excited.
It’s Monday, and I have a couple of hours ‘til I finish work. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to pack my bags here, I can’t wait to make the 15 minute walk to the car park. I can’t wait to drive home, singing and smiling to myself in the car. I can’t wait to prepare dinner, then eat it, and share catch-up conversation with Hubbie on his day today.
I can’t wait to give him a big huh, and a great big passionate kiss. I can’t wait for all of those things.
But one thing I can’t wait for most: I can’t wait to start print on my official finished copy of my book.
:-D :-D :-D
Last night I made the last minor additions. There are some things I had to very briefly research today, but it was so quick, that I don’t really have to add anything to the story, I just need to check one thing, and then press the P button.
:-D :-D :-D
I am soooo excited. I’m giddy, nervous, jumpy and happy. I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long, the moment when I can say to myself “I’ve done the best I can” and hand over a copy of it to someone I love to be critiqued. That thought makes me sick, as it does happy. I’m ready for it, and I can’t believe the day has come, 1 year and 4 months after starting the book, almost 2 years since having the idea of actually writing a book pop into my mind.
It’s such an arduous, mentally-draining process, and I loved it all. It was inspiring, it was thrilling, and I was amazed at how at times the book seemed to write itself. It was a magical, suspenseful, invigorating experience, and I can’t wait to start it all again.
This is only the beginning.
The thought of handing over my work, my pain, my toil, my passion…
I think I might just start crying tonight from happiness…
:-D
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
My continual – no, my CONTINUOUS obsession with the man formerly known as Zack Morris
In writing my story, I’ve been very obsessed over the correct use of words of late, (of course, I AM a writer): using the correct tense, grammar… I do want it to be perfect when I send it to publishers. And one of my recent obsessions was over the use of the terms continual and continuous.
Continual suggests something ongoing with interruptions over a long period of time, whereas continuous means a long duration without interruption.
Now that I’ve given you my prologue, back to my main point. I don’t know if I’ve written about this before in my 140 + posts; as you can imagine it’s hard to keep track when you get to that number.
I don’t even know exactly how many posts I’ve done – just guessing from my work email over here (:))
But about a half hour ago I finished watching a TV movie, called The Princess and the Marine. And I was very pleasantly surprised to find Mark Paul Gosselaar, and his name, come up first in the opening credits.
My fascination and love for Zack (sigh) began in a galaxy, far, far away… hold on wrong story. My fascination with Zack began, let’s count… shit about 20 years ago. Does that show my age? No, I believe it was 18 years ago.
Running home from school and eating in front of the TV was an everyday ritual for me, and when I discovered a new after-school show at 4pm, called Saved by the Bell, I was well and truly SOLD. I loved it. I loved the characters, the storylines. I loved the friendships, the sometimes serious, yet eventually light-hearted way they solved their problems. I thought Jessie was funny. I thought it’d be great to have a wardrobe like Lisa’s. I thought A.C Slater was cute. I thought Screech was goofy and weird. I wanted to BE Kelly Kapowski – so gorgeous, friendly and loved by everyone. And I wanted to be with Zack Morris.
Sorry, again. I wanted to BE with Zack Morris.
Sigh. I’m getting all giddy just thinking about it.
And so started my fascination. It wasn’t just a cute, dote-on-him crush thing: it was something FAR more than that.
Up until that point I had liked a couple of guys at school (yes I started young) – not that anything actually happened. But I did notice the opposite sex IN THAT WAY, when I was the ripe young age of 5. So by about 10, when I started to obsess over SBTB (that’s how us old-school 80s kids speak, you know?) I wasn’t new to the whole crush thing. Even so, Zack Morris became, from that moment on, my staple, my benchmark, say it my dream, of THE perfect guy.
I swear. It wasn’t a really conscious thing, but I found myself being drawn to those kinds of characters in my life, for years to come. And I still am. Whether they were in the media (like Pacey from Dawson’s, I LOVE Pacey from Dawson’s) or guys from school, and eventually, ahem, like my HUSBAND (!) Zack Morris’ character made a huge impact on what I wanted in a mate.
Maybe it was the cheeky humour. The outrageous confidence. The prankster qualities that always got him into trouble. His boyish good looks (well that definitely helped, thank you Mark ). Maybe it was how he was a ladies man – we all know as women that we love a challenge, we want to tame that wild boy. Or maybe it was his undying loyalty to his one and only first love, Kelly.
***SPOILER ALERT!***
If you haven’t seen the very end of SBTB, and by end I mean AFTER they go off to Uni, you would be pleased to know that Zack and Kelly did FINALLY get married in a special TV movie. YAY! :-D
All is good in the world.
***SPOILER ALERT OVER – COMMENCE READING***
Over the years, as SBTB dropped off the screens, I fell into infatuation with other boys, both on-screen and in real life. I guess I kind of forgot about Zack as other guys just took centre stage.
For example, two men I have repeatedly (other than my hubbie) spoken about here is David Boreanaz, and then more recently Bryan Greenberg. Well they are just hot aren’t they. You can’t deny it. David is older now, yes, which means Bryan has taken centre stage in the number 1 spot, clearly going by the looks category. And over the years that I’ve seen MPG in TV movies and other series, I’ve thought to myself “eh, you looked better.”
Beat me up, I know. I’m being a bit cruel. But he was just so cute and adorable. And then he turned into a man. And sometimes the man, doesn’t live up to the boy. I still appreciated him, and I completely recognised that he was just older. Hey, we’re all gonna get older, so will I, and although I hope like hell I’m hot at 40, I’m sure I still won’t look the way I did when I was 16.
BUT!
But. The TV movie I just saw, the princess marine one? (Well he’s not a princess marine but you know what I mean)
I started off like “right, yep, Mark is pretty good looking here, yep.”
The movie was shot in 2001, so a while ago. Still, he looked good.
And then I let myself start watching it and get sucked in.
I swear, Mark was BORN for these kinds of roles. Maybe it’s because he is really like that. And if he is there is a serious problem here… it means he’s even more perfect than I previously thought. He’s a marine in the movie, on duty in Bahrain, a Muslim country, when he falls in love with a Muslim girl there, and she for him. But she’s not just a girl, you see, she’s a princess.
And there’s the catch:)
It was a great movie. Watching Mark (Jason Johnson) jump hurdles and get into all kinds of illegal behaviour just so he and his future bride could escape to the U.S (yes bride, he proposed in a shopping centre – it was actually very sweet and romantic!) made me tingle in nice ways all over. That devoted, loyal, loving “I’ll do anything for you” look in his eyes was there, and I found myself going back to that 10 year old girl I used to know… and I melted. And as I watched, he grew more, and more, and MORE attractive.
Sigh.
This movie was actually based on a true story. This story did happen in real life – unfortunately, the real life princess and the marine ended up divorcing in 2004, I think. (I almost wish I didn’t find that on IMDB – it’s slightly ruining my Mark-story images right now).
But I just couldn’t help thinking. I couldn’t help getting excited over Zack Morris all over again.
It made me realise. My love for him never stopped; it was never interrupted. It was always there in the background, waiting to be re-discovered, again and again, like an old friend you haven’t seen in years, or the house you grew up in, where you hold all your life-changing and cherished memories. It’ll always go back to Zack. No matter what his age, or whether he’s doing movies or not, it’ll always be him. Because it started with him, and it’s because of him, that I fell in love with the hilarious, gorgeous, friendly, very silly, and completely loyal and dedicated (and very cheeky) man that is my husband.
So for that Zack, I thank you. You are the constant in my life. YOU are continuous…
Continual suggests something ongoing with interruptions over a long period of time, whereas continuous means a long duration without interruption.
Now that I’ve given you my prologue, back to my main point. I don’t know if I’ve written about this before in my 140 + posts; as you can imagine it’s hard to keep track when you get to that number.
I don’t even know exactly how many posts I’ve done – just guessing from my work email over here (:))
But about a half hour ago I finished watching a TV movie, called The Princess and the Marine. And I was very pleasantly surprised to find Mark Paul Gosselaar, and his name, come up first in the opening credits.
My fascination and love for Zack (sigh) began in a galaxy, far, far away… hold on wrong story. My fascination with Zack began, let’s count… shit about 20 years ago. Does that show my age? No, I believe it was 18 years ago.
Running home from school and eating in front of the TV was an everyday ritual for me, and when I discovered a new after-school show at 4pm, called Saved by the Bell, I was well and truly SOLD. I loved it. I loved the characters, the storylines. I loved the friendships, the sometimes serious, yet eventually light-hearted way they solved their problems. I thought Jessie was funny. I thought it’d be great to have a wardrobe like Lisa’s. I thought A.C Slater was cute. I thought Screech was goofy and weird. I wanted to BE Kelly Kapowski – so gorgeous, friendly and loved by everyone. And I wanted to be with Zack Morris.
Sorry, again. I wanted to BE with Zack Morris.
Sigh. I’m getting all giddy just thinking about it.
And so started my fascination. It wasn’t just a cute, dote-on-him crush thing: it was something FAR more than that.
Up until that point I had liked a couple of guys at school (yes I started young) – not that anything actually happened. But I did notice the opposite sex IN THAT WAY, when I was the ripe young age of 5. So by about 10, when I started to obsess over SBTB (that’s how us old-school 80s kids speak, you know?) I wasn’t new to the whole crush thing. Even so, Zack Morris became, from that moment on, my staple, my benchmark, say it my dream, of THE perfect guy.
I swear. It wasn’t a really conscious thing, but I found myself being drawn to those kinds of characters in my life, for years to come. And I still am. Whether they were in the media (like Pacey from Dawson’s, I LOVE Pacey from Dawson’s) or guys from school, and eventually, ahem, like my HUSBAND (!) Zack Morris’ character made a huge impact on what I wanted in a mate.
Maybe it was the cheeky humour. The outrageous confidence. The prankster qualities that always got him into trouble. His boyish good looks (well that definitely helped, thank you Mark ). Maybe it was how he was a ladies man – we all know as women that we love a challenge, we want to tame that wild boy. Or maybe it was his undying loyalty to his one and only first love, Kelly.
***SPOILER ALERT!***
If you haven’t seen the very end of SBTB, and by end I mean AFTER they go off to Uni, you would be pleased to know that Zack and Kelly did FINALLY get married in a special TV movie. YAY! :-D
All is good in the world.
***SPOILER ALERT OVER – COMMENCE READING***
Over the years, as SBTB dropped off the screens, I fell into infatuation with other boys, both on-screen and in real life. I guess I kind of forgot about Zack as other guys just took centre stage.
For example, two men I have repeatedly (other than my hubbie) spoken about here is David Boreanaz, and then more recently Bryan Greenberg. Well they are just hot aren’t they. You can’t deny it. David is older now, yes, which means Bryan has taken centre stage in the number 1 spot, clearly going by the looks category. And over the years that I’ve seen MPG in TV movies and other series, I’ve thought to myself “eh, you looked better.”
Beat me up, I know. I’m being a bit cruel. But he was just so cute and adorable. And then he turned into a man. And sometimes the man, doesn’t live up to the boy. I still appreciated him, and I completely recognised that he was just older. Hey, we’re all gonna get older, so will I, and although I hope like hell I’m hot at 40, I’m sure I still won’t look the way I did when I was 16.
BUT!
But. The TV movie I just saw, the princess marine one? (Well he’s not a princess marine but you know what I mean)
I started off like “right, yep, Mark is pretty good looking here, yep.”
The movie was shot in 2001, so a while ago. Still, he looked good.
And then I let myself start watching it and get sucked in.
I swear, Mark was BORN for these kinds of roles. Maybe it’s because he is really like that. And if he is there is a serious problem here… it means he’s even more perfect than I previously thought. He’s a marine in the movie, on duty in Bahrain, a Muslim country, when he falls in love with a Muslim girl there, and she for him. But she’s not just a girl, you see, she’s a princess.
And there’s the catch:)
It was a great movie. Watching Mark (Jason Johnson) jump hurdles and get into all kinds of illegal behaviour just so he and his future bride could escape to the U.S (yes bride, he proposed in a shopping centre – it was actually very sweet and romantic!) made me tingle in nice ways all over. That devoted, loyal, loving “I’ll do anything for you” look in his eyes was there, and I found myself going back to that 10 year old girl I used to know… and I melted. And as I watched, he grew more, and more, and MORE attractive.
Sigh.
This movie was actually based on a true story. This story did happen in real life – unfortunately, the real life princess and the marine ended up divorcing in 2004, I think. (I almost wish I didn’t find that on IMDB – it’s slightly ruining my Mark-story images right now).
But I just couldn’t help thinking. I couldn’t help getting excited over Zack Morris all over again.
It made me realise. My love for him never stopped; it was never interrupted. It was always there in the background, waiting to be re-discovered, again and again, like an old friend you haven’t seen in years, or the house you grew up in, where you hold all your life-changing and cherished memories. It’ll always go back to Zack. No matter what his age, or whether he’s doing movies or not, it’ll always be him. Because it started with him, and it’s because of him, that I fell in love with the hilarious, gorgeous, friendly, very silly, and completely loyal and dedicated (and very cheeky) man that is my husband.
So for that Zack, I thank you. You are the constant in my life. YOU are continuous…
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Speculating about the Ordinary
I haven’t been blogging so much as of late. There’s so much going on in my life, and so you might say ‘oh yeah you’re busy.’ It happens in blog world. There are times where you get all hyped up and blog like crazy, constantly looking around you for blog inspiration, to the point where you’re at work, doing the best blogging you’ve ever done in your life, completely forgetting to do any actual work.
With all the busy-ness, you’d think that when I actually do get time, that I’d have something to write about. No, nothing.
I was thinking about it yesterday. There is so much going on in my life, and I finally made the effort to link the two together after a convo I was having with Hubbie yesterday. I was telling him how after seeing my relos on the weekend, I was hanging for the day when I could say “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
Well, not as such those words. But whenever they ask me “so, what’s new?” All I want to say is EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING has been going on. Instead I go “ahh, not much.”
All the life-changing things that are going on, the things that Hubbie and I plan for, and talk about, my deepest secrets and plans, all of it, are things that I’m not telling anyone. Actually no I lie. The one thing that a small circle of people know about is my book. And whoever has read about it in the blogger-verse, but that I don’t really count that because no one knows who I actually am, and I want to keep it that way. :)
My book. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life, (pardon the pun) and move on from this job. I’m so over it. Ok, I’m putting it out there: I’M SO OVER IT. I want to be my own boss, do my own thing, and make my passion, my work, my job. Wouldn’t that be the most glorious thing? Going to work in the morning (down the stairs at home or to the local café which our friends own with my laptop) and doing what I love - writing -all day every day? Having that freedom, to live life as I want – that’s what I aspire to. That’s the dream.
And I just want it to be out there! I’ve finished the second draft, I’m doing fixes, but I feel like I have no time, I need solid blocks of free time to do all my read-throughs and make sure everything connects. I can’t wait to send it out, I seriously can’t wait.
And I can’t wait to scream out to the world: I am an author! But until things are settled, and until it’s actually happening, I need to be patient, and take my time – do things properly.
So in the meantime I say to people “hmm, not much.”
And on top of that, I feel like I have even less reason to blog, because I’ve started a kind of a diary – I did consider making it into another blog, but due to the contents and my hopeful plans for it, I’m keeping it on the low, for now.
Writing book + writing secret journal = not too much time for random blog.
And so you can see why the hell I can’t say anything. It’s so annoying!
“So yeah, I’ve been busy.”
“With what?”
“Ahh, can’t say. Oh there’s – nope can’t tell you that either. Oh and - nope sorry.”
That’s the bullshit conversation I want to avoid.
I feel so boring around other people, yet my insides want to burst with excitement. It’s hard. Hubbie and I have things we’re hoping for, and we have things we’re kind of guessing on, but until certain things actually develop and certain circumstances come into fruition, we’ve been standing around, kind of in a state of nothingness, smiling and nodding, saying “Oh, good!”
But our day will come. Too right it will.
With all the busy-ness, you’d think that when I actually do get time, that I’d have something to write about. No, nothing.
I was thinking about it yesterday. There is so much going on in my life, and I finally made the effort to link the two together after a convo I was having with Hubbie yesterday. I was telling him how after seeing my relos on the weekend, I was hanging for the day when I could say “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
Well, not as such those words. But whenever they ask me “so, what’s new?” All I want to say is EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING has been going on. Instead I go “ahh, not much.”
All the life-changing things that are going on, the things that Hubbie and I plan for, and talk about, my deepest secrets and plans, all of it, are things that I’m not telling anyone. Actually no I lie. The one thing that a small circle of people know about is my book. And whoever has read about it in the blogger-verse, but that I don’t really count that because no one knows who I actually am, and I want to keep it that way. :)
My book. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life, (pardon the pun) and move on from this job. I’m so over it. Ok, I’m putting it out there: I’M SO OVER IT. I want to be my own boss, do my own thing, and make my passion, my work, my job. Wouldn’t that be the most glorious thing? Going to work in the morning (down the stairs at home or to the local café which our friends own with my laptop) and doing what I love - writing -all day every day? Having that freedom, to live life as I want – that’s what I aspire to. That’s the dream.
And I just want it to be out there! I’ve finished the second draft, I’m doing fixes, but I feel like I have no time, I need solid blocks of free time to do all my read-throughs and make sure everything connects. I can’t wait to send it out, I seriously can’t wait.
And I can’t wait to scream out to the world: I am an author! But until things are settled, and until it’s actually happening, I need to be patient, and take my time – do things properly.
So in the meantime I say to people “hmm, not much.”
And on top of that, I feel like I have even less reason to blog, because I’ve started a kind of a diary – I did consider making it into another blog, but due to the contents and my hopeful plans for it, I’m keeping it on the low, for now.
Writing book + writing secret journal = not too much time for random blog.
And so you can see why the hell I can’t say anything. It’s so annoying!
“So yeah, I’ve been busy.”
“With what?”
“Ahh, can’t say. Oh there’s – nope can’t tell you that either. Oh and - nope sorry.”
That’s the bullshit conversation I want to avoid.
I feel so boring around other people, yet my insides want to burst with excitement. It’s hard. Hubbie and I have things we’re hoping for, and we have things we’re kind of guessing on, but until certain things actually develop and certain circumstances come into fruition, we’ve been standing around, kind of in a state of nothingness, smiling and nodding, saying “Oh, good!”
But our day will come. Too right it will.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Glass half-full Gal
All I remember is that my last post was about something where I was trying to be funny and light-hearted despite the world-turning that’s been going on since the beginning of the year.
I know this because I remember writing it and thinking “liar Miss S., liar.”
I was trying to put up a bit of a front, in the midst of not knowing what to write, and how the hell to write it.
And the reason I don’t know what I last posted, isn’t just because there’s been so much time between then and now, but also because I write almost all of my posts in emails and word docs before actually posting. I’m actually not on blogger as I write this. I have this fear that the day I do write a post from the ‘New Post’ page that it will be some meaningful, monumental essay that will delete when the computer I’m on randomly crashes.
Random things. I both love them and hate them.
Random is the case in point as I think of how this all started.
I had holidays planned for Feb, and before resuming them I had such wonderful visions of what they would entail. Coffee, shopping, catch-ups with friends, and just general all-round happiness.
The first shock was in finding out about the deaths of the two guys I went to high school with. As much as it rocked my world, within days of writing the post about it and learning to come to terms with it, I was feeling better, and vowing to make my life and my existence an important one in light of how quickly things can change.
THEN.
We were all rocked when quite suddenly a very close member of Hubbie’s family discovered something horrible concerning his health. And my visions of holiday bliss, were quickly changed into accompanying Hubbie to the hospital on more than half the days I was away from work. In trying to remain discreet, let’s just say this is the fight of his life.
I hope I don’t come across as selfish or inconsiderate as I write this. I feel deeply, deeply sorry for the wellbeing of this member, and wish them full health as they struggle to regain balance and return to some sense of normalcy in their life. It will be a long battle, but we all remain positive that he will come out in the end a positive story, an inspiration to others.
It’s just that, there was a moment of… well it’s hard to say. I was annoyed. Not at him, not at the situation, but, in life.
I consider myself a highly organised, highly structured person. I know where all my shoes sit, exactly where all the plates and glasses go in the kitchen drawers, and if I see a book adjusted slightly on the bookshelf, I’ll ask Hubbie “did you read my Shakespeare book?”
I don’t try to be overly obsessive about these things, I’m just naturally an ordered person, and I like it when everything has its place, because I have a lot of stuff. I get it from my Dad, I’m sure. He did the whole army thing, so he knows all about discipline and order.
I was feeling highly frustrated. Not only were my holidays not how they were meant to be, all with getting up early, spending all day in the hospital and then returning home late at night, but there were other pressing matters getting to me. I wanted to finish my book, and had given myself ‘til the end of my holidays to do it. I said to myself, “I know this is bad, but I just have to keep going. Life will throw things at me. But I need to keep writing.”
And there were MORE pressing issues at hand, hopefully some of which I’ll be able to post about in months to come. I was being supportive to Hubbie, but I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment in thinking of all the things this year was meant to be, and suddenly realising that EVERYTHING had changed. It was extremely upsetting.
I know, I’m a bitch. The problem with being as self-aware as I am is that I step out of my body all the time and preview the things I’m doing in my life. And in this instance, I was stepping back and saying “you selfish, selfish person.”
And the problem was, not even the awareness of feeling the way I was helped me to get over it. It just made me more desperate, sad, annoyed and frustrated. The frustrated-ness was feeding the selfishness, and the selfishness was feeding the frustrated-ness. It was an ongoing cycle that I couldn’t seem to break.
Today, months later, the situation hasn’t changed much. Only time, facts, learning to cope with it and continuing to live life are the things that have helped make the situation… better? I wouldn’t say better, but we have the upmost positive attitude towards this life changing event, and truly believe things will get better and eventually get back to normal.
What do you do? You have to eventually go back to living life. Because life doesn’t wait for you.
I have learnt to cope with it. I think I needed a bit of time to just stew, whinge that “things weren’t meant to be like this” and go into a depression, in my path to accepting that this was now our reality. I’m totally used to it now, am aware that in life things aren’t always going to be perfect, and I’m just learning to move on and work around this thing without compromising the things I’ve always wanted to do.
I hope I don’t sound too horrible a person. I’m coupled with an infinite amount of empathy, but with it comes an unexpected dose of selfishness. It’s just me. I try to be better, but some leopard spots just don’t change.
As I got to terms with all that was going on, I kept going on with my life. As planned, I finished my book on the last day of my holidays, YAY! It was very exciting for me, and if I do say so myself, I had a couple of tears trickling down my cheeks from happiness. Writing and the entire creation process is an extremely emotional one. You put so much of yourself, your heart, soul and passions into it, that at the end you end up feeling completely overwhelmed by it all.
I’m currently in the process of doing my second draft, and I have two chapters left to go over. Then I will go and research those little bits and pieces that I have to add to the book, go over it a third time (more thoroughly than the second time but hopefully a bit faster!) and then I’ll consider myself kind of done :)
Towards the end of my holidays in Feb I did end up doing a bit of what I’d been craving for at the beginning: coffee, shopping and catch-ups. In fact, I had the best day out with my sister. I just love her so much. I’m not being biased either. She is, THE BOMB.
Later on as well, Red and I ended up going to the cemetery where our friends were buried. We found Wavy first, then after a bit more searching up and down the rows, we came across Seven. Because the burials were relatively fresh, the headstones hadn’t yet been put up, and standing where we were in front of Seven’s site, we could look in front of us about a row or two up, to see Wavy’s. They’d been friends, been in the same classes, the same school, and had died within months of each other. And were now buried within metres of each other too.
Red and I had a few moments just standing there in front of them. Just thinking. I said a quiet goodbye.
On top of that, there were two sudden deaths in amongst all of this, (well maybe one was not so sudden) on Hubbie’s side of the family. It’s just been one thing after another.
Despite the general gloom of this post, I feel things have been much better in the last few months than how I’ve expressed them to be here. Yes, all these things did happen, and yes, some were really bad, and some were really good. (We bought a new car too!)
It’s just the way you see things I guess. Despite how shit I felt earlier in the year, I’m a glass half-full type of gal. I look back at all that and go “well, you learn. Things change.”
And within weeks of all of it first going down, I turned and said to Hubbie “you know what? We’re going to be the ones to bring the sunshine back into their life. We’re going to bring to them the good news that’s been a long time coming. That’s our role in all of this.”
And I truly believe it is.
I know this because I remember writing it and thinking “liar Miss S., liar.”
I was trying to put up a bit of a front, in the midst of not knowing what to write, and how the hell to write it.
And the reason I don’t know what I last posted, isn’t just because there’s been so much time between then and now, but also because I write almost all of my posts in emails and word docs before actually posting. I’m actually not on blogger as I write this. I have this fear that the day I do write a post from the ‘New Post’ page that it will be some meaningful, monumental essay that will delete when the computer I’m on randomly crashes.
Random things. I both love them and hate them.
Random is the case in point as I think of how this all started.
I had holidays planned for Feb, and before resuming them I had such wonderful visions of what they would entail. Coffee, shopping, catch-ups with friends, and just general all-round happiness.
The first shock was in finding out about the deaths of the two guys I went to high school with. As much as it rocked my world, within days of writing the post about it and learning to come to terms with it, I was feeling better, and vowing to make my life and my existence an important one in light of how quickly things can change.
THEN.
We were all rocked when quite suddenly a very close member of Hubbie’s family discovered something horrible concerning his health. And my visions of holiday bliss, were quickly changed into accompanying Hubbie to the hospital on more than half the days I was away from work. In trying to remain discreet, let’s just say this is the fight of his life.
I hope I don’t come across as selfish or inconsiderate as I write this. I feel deeply, deeply sorry for the wellbeing of this member, and wish them full health as they struggle to regain balance and return to some sense of normalcy in their life. It will be a long battle, but we all remain positive that he will come out in the end a positive story, an inspiration to others.
It’s just that, there was a moment of… well it’s hard to say. I was annoyed. Not at him, not at the situation, but, in life.
I consider myself a highly organised, highly structured person. I know where all my shoes sit, exactly where all the plates and glasses go in the kitchen drawers, and if I see a book adjusted slightly on the bookshelf, I’ll ask Hubbie “did you read my Shakespeare book?”
I don’t try to be overly obsessive about these things, I’m just naturally an ordered person, and I like it when everything has its place, because I have a lot of stuff. I get it from my Dad, I’m sure. He did the whole army thing, so he knows all about discipline and order.
I was feeling highly frustrated. Not only were my holidays not how they were meant to be, all with getting up early, spending all day in the hospital and then returning home late at night, but there were other pressing matters getting to me. I wanted to finish my book, and had given myself ‘til the end of my holidays to do it. I said to myself, “I know this is bad, but I just have to keep going. Life will throw things at me. But I need to keep writing.”
And there were MORE pressing issues at hand, hopefully some of which I’ll be able to post about in months to come. I was being supportive to Hubbie, but I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment in thinking of all the things this year was meant to be, and suddenly realising that EVERYTHING had changed. It was extremely upsetting.
I know, I’m a bitch. The problem with being as self-aware as I am is that I step out of my body all the time and preview the things I’m doing in my life. And in this instance, I was stepping back and saying “you selfish, selfish person.”
And the problem was, not even the awareness of feeling the way I was helped me to get over it. It just made me more desperate, sad, annoyed and frustrated. The frustrated-ness was feeding the selfishness, and the selfishness was feeding the frustrated-ness. It was an ongoing cycle that I couldn’t seem to break.
Today, months later, the situation hasn’t changed much. Only time, facts, learning to cope with it and continuing to live life are the things that have helped make the situation… better? I wouldn’t say better, but we have the upmost positive attitude towards this life changing event, and truly believe things will get better and eventually get back to normal.
What do you do? You have to eventually go back to living life. Because life doesn’t wait for you.
I have learnt to cope with it. I think I needed a bit of time to just stew, whinge that “things weren’t meant to be like this” and go into a depression, in my path to accepting that this was now our reality. I’m totally used to it now, am aware that in life things aren’t always going to be perfect, and I’m just learning to move on and work around this thing without compromising the things I’ve always wanted to do.
I hope I don’t sound too horrible a person. I’m coupled with an infinite amount of empathy, but with it comes an unexpected dose of selfishness. It’s just me. I try to be better, but some leopard spots just don’t change.
As I got to terms with all that was going on, I kept going on with my life. As planned, I finished my book on the last day of my holidays, YAY! It was very exciting for me, and if I do say so myself, I had a couple of tears trickling down my cheeks from happiness. Writing and the entire creation process is an extremely emotional one. You put so much of yourself, your heart, soul and passions into it, that at the end you end up feeling completely overwhelmed by it all.
I’m currently in the process of doing my second draft, and I have two chapters left to go over. Then I will go and research those little bits and pieces that I have to add to the book, go over it a third time (more thoroughly than the second time but hopefully a bit faster!) and then I’ll consider myself kind of done :)
Towards the end of my holidays in Feb I did end up doing a bit of what I’d been craving for at the beginning: coffee, shopping and catch-ups. In fact, I had the best day out with my sister. I just love her so much. I’m not being biased either. She is, THE BOMB.
Later on as well, Red and I ended up going to the cemetery where our friends were buried. We found Wavy first, then after a bit more searching up and down the rows, we came across Seven. Because the burials were relatively fresh, the headstones hadn’t yet been put up, and standing where we were in front of Seven’s site, we could look in front of us about a row or two up, to see Wavy’s. They’d been friends, been in the same classes, the same school, and had died within months of each other. And were now buried within metres of each other too.
Red and I had a few moments just standing there in front of them. Just thinking. I said a quiet goodbye.
On top of that, there were two sudden deaths in amongst all of this, (well maybe one was not so sudden) on Hubbie’s side of the family. It’s just been one thing after another.
Despite the general gloom of this post, I feel things have been much better in the last few months than how I’ve expressed them to be here. Yes, all these things did happen, and yes, some were really bad, and some were really good. (We bought a new car too!)
It’s just the way you see things I guess. Despite how shit I felt earlier in the year, I’m a glass half-full type of gal. I look back at all that and go “well, you learn. Things change.”
And within weeks of all of it first going down, I turned and said to Hubbie “you know what? We’re going to be the ones to bring the sunshine back into their life. We’re going to bring to them the good news that’s been a long time coming. That’s our role in all of this.”
And I truly believe it is.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Writing Realisations
I've come across a couple of insights into the way Miss S operates and what drives her (yes I am fully aware of having just switched from 1st person P.O.V to a third person P.O.V).
I was feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself on Sunday afternoon, once again thinking of how quickly the weekend had passed, and how I had to get myself ready for work the next day: lunches, bags, crap and stuff.
A glimmer of happiness went through me when I thought of the early time Hubbie would be going to bed; because when he goes to bed early, me and my laptop join him.
I spend most of my writing time typing furiously on my laptop as Hubbie sleeps beside me. I don't like to write when he is awake and we can talk about something or do something. Even when we're just sitting on the couch, I have to sit on the couch with him, instead of do anything else. Aww. Also, I think I wouldn't be able to concentrate either, even if I tried. I'm much better thinking and planning in quiet and peace, with no distractions. That thought worries me, as I know the day will come where I have distractions abound.
Also, in complete contradiction to what I just said, when I look at my computer screen, and start reading the last few pages I wrote, I completely switch off and just tune into another world. That's what I noticed last night in bed, having started the writing process in complete sadness and frustration. I knew I had to write, I have a deadline I'm trying to stick to so I don't slack off, and I said to myself "right, there are times that you're going to write happy, some sad. You gotta write through it all."
And amazingly I did. It was only after I finished for the night that I realised how deep in my other world I had been. I don't know if that's what happens to all writers as they're creating their own unique worlds, or if it's a sign of something else (like my story is good, fingers crossed!)
So that I liked:)
AND, I find myself really looking forward to and enjoying writing of late. It may be a combination of things: being towards the end of the book; seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for the book's completion; writing about things that I've been leading up to for a year! I feel good about it, and not that I don't usually like to write, but a lot of the past year I've felt confused about the characters, storyline and my ability to write well. I'm feeling better, for everything, and I like it.
So I'm liking a lot, but my heart is still heavy. Maybe I need one more post to lift my spirits....
I was feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself on Sunday afternoon, once again thinking of how quickly the weekend had passed, and how I had to get myself ready for work the next day: lunches, bags, crap and stuff.
A glimmer of happiness went through me when I thought of the early time Hubbie would be going to bed; because when he goes to bed early, me and my laptop join him.
I spend most of my writing time typing furiously on my laptop as Hubbie sleeps beside me. I don't like to write when he is awake and we can talk about something or do something. Even when we're just sitting on the couch, I have to sit on the couch with him, instead of do anything else. Aww. Also, I think I wouldn't be able to concentrate either, even if I tried. I'm much better thinking and planning in quiet and peace, with no distractions. That thought worries me, as I know the day will come where I have distractions abound.
Also, in complete contradiction to what I just said, when I look at my computer screen, and start reading the last few pages I wrote, I completely switch off and just tune into another world. That's what I noticed last night in bed, having started the writing process in complete sadness and frustration. I knew I had to write, I have a deadline I'm trying to stick to so I don't slack off, and I said to myself "right, there are times that you're going to write happy, some sad. You gotta write through it all."
And amazingly I did. It was only after I finished for the night that I realised how deep in my other world I had been. I don't know if that's what happens to all writers as they're creating their own unique worlds, or if it's a sign of something else (like my story is good, fingers crossed!)
So that I liked:)
AND, I find myself really looking forward to and enjoying writing of late. It may be a combination of things: being towards the end of the book; seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for the book's completion; writing about things that I've been leading up to for a year! I feel good about it, and not that I don't usually like to write, but a lot of the past year I've felt confused about the characters, storyline and my ability to write well. I'm feeling better, for everything, and I like it.
So I'm liking a lot, but my heart is still heavy. Maybe I need one more post to lift my spirits....
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happiness Is.... #8
Happiness Is....
Reading back your writing, from yesterday, last week, last month or even last year, and smiling in happiness. The smile that means 'contentment' 'satisfaction' 'joy' and 'pleasure' in reviewing your own work.
That, for an aspired writer (never mind aspriring writer, I'm the King of the Jungle in astrology for pete's sake - by the way who is pete??) is absolute gold. So rewarding. The feeling of love just rises up from inside.
:):):)
That's happiness.
Reading back your writing, from yesterday, last week, last month or even last year, and smiling in happiness. The smile that means 'contentment' 'satisfaction' 'joy' and 'pleasure' in reviewing your own work.
That, for an aspired writer (never mind aspriring writer, I'm the King of the Jungle in astrology for pete's sake - by the way who is pete??) is absolute gold. So rewarding. The feeling of love just rises up from inside.
:):):)
That's happiness.
WTF?
Ok, this post is completely random and is going to make absolutely no sense, with my whole writing-in-code thing again (I know random, who would have guessed, duh?!)
Ok, so I have all these thoughts going through my head, having just been trawling through the crap of pile that more often than not is the net.
Firstly:
I know that there are ideas and opinions, values and designs out there, that are naturally going to be repeated elsewhere, somewhere in the world, by pure coincidence. All ideas and thoughts, stories and the such are repeated like this. History repeats itself, we get the same boy and girl story over and over again but re-hashed in different ways, told in different languages, themes and contexts.
HOWEVER
If you for example, like one thing, then don't go and copy that thing and try and pass it on as your own. That's plagiarism, that's an invasion of copyright.
That's a freaking pain in the arse.
Seriously though. So I like the Twilight books right? And most of my family and friends KNOW I like the series, have read the books, watched the movies, etc. And then imagine, that this STORY I'm writing, well I come up with an 'original' idea where there is a werewolf, a vampire, and a girl.
And the girl likes the vamp. But the wolf likes the girl.
Sound familiar (DUH!)
It wouldn't be 'original,' because I didn't come up with it! Must I spell the stupidity out? That saying "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" is complete bullshit. Anyone who has had someone copy them for a portion of their life knows how unbelievably infuriating it can be, having someone pass off your work as their own.
AHHHHH! Please, be original, or piss off!
SECONDLY:
Can everyone please learn how to spell here? Perhaps there are those out in blogger land that need to go back to the basics. Kindergarten A B C.....
Just because it's the net, and you don't have a teacher grading you, it doesn't give you the right to slander poor passers by with your abhorrent disregard for spelling. It's actually there, not their when you're talking about a location. Try putting an apostrophe between the you and the re, when you combine to make out 'you're.' There is an omission there, so you should learn to mark it.
And like, like learn how to write, right because, I didn't know there was going to, and then, now.
Seriously, there are people who think they can write, but they can't. Such soreness to the eyes.....
And last but not least....
Just a thought. If you were really rich and famous, would you feel it within your power, or even believe it to be right to ask certain inappropriate types to not like you? So for example, if I had a complete wanker yelling out "I love Miss S!" so that everyone would hear, do you think it would be right for me to say "Hey, can you not like me? It's doing some serious damage to my rep?" Is that discriminative? Cruel? Who is the disenchanted one in this picture?
And what if you're not rich and famous, and perhaps you need all the friends you can get... would you tell certain people to back away from you, in order to keep your integrity, despite the lack of fans you have?
I'm all for the integrity. I don't care who it pisses off, I think I would somehow subtlety let the person know I didn't like them, or somehow suggest for them to 'move on.... away from me. Forever.'
It's all about the quality, rather than the quantity for me. All the way.
Sigh. Have I made any sense? Probably not.
Ok, so I have all these thoughts going through my head, having just been trawling through the crap of pile that more often than not is the net.
Firstly:
I know that there are ideas and opinions, values and designs out there, that are naturally going to be repeated elsewhere, somewhere in the world, by pure coincidence. All ideas and thoughts, stories and the such are repeated like this. History repeats itself, we get the same boy and girl story over and over again but re-hashed in different ways, told in different languages, themes and contexts.
HOWEVER
If you for example, like one thing, then don't go and copy that thing and try and pass it on as your own. That's plagiarism, that's an invasion of copyright.
That's a freaking pain in the arse.
Seriously though. So I like the Twilight books right? And most of my family and friends KNOW I like the series, have read the books, watched the movies, etc. And then imagine, that this STORY I'm writing, well I come up with an 'original' idea where there is a werewolf, a vampire, and a girl.
And the girl likes the vamp. But the wolf likes the girl.
Sound familiar (DUH!)
It wouldn't be 'original,' because I didn't come up with it! Must I spell the stupidity out? That saying "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" is complete bullshit. Anyone who has had someone copy them for a portion of their life knows how unbelievably infuriating it can be, having someone pass off your work as their own.
AHHHHH! Please, be original, or piss off!
SECONDLY:
Can everyone please learn how to spell here? Perhaps there are those out in blogger land that need to go back to the basics. Kindergarten A B C.....
Just because it's the net, and you don't have a teacher grading you, it doesn't give you the right to slander poor passers by with your abhorrent disregard for spelling. It's actually there, not their when you're talking about a location. Try putting an apostrophe between the you and the re, when you combine to make out 'you're.' There is an omission there, so you should learn to mark it.
And like, like learn how to write, right because, I didn't know there was going to, and then, now.
Seriously, there are people who think they can write, but they can't. Such soreness to the eyes.....
And last but not least....
Just a thought. If you were really rich and famous, would you feel it within your power, or even believe it to be right to ask certain inappropriate types to not like you? So for example, if I had a complete wanker yelling out "I love Miss S!" so that everyone would hear, do you think it would be right for me to say "Hey, can you not like me? It's doing some serious damage to my rep?" Is that discriminative? Cruel? Who is the disenchanted one in this picture?
And what if you're not rich and famous, and perhaps you need all the friends you can get... would you tell certain people to back away from you, in order to keep your integrity, despite the lack of fans you have?
I'm all for the integrity. I don't care who it pisses off, I think I would somehow subtlety let the person know I didn't like them, or somehow suggest for them to 'move on.... away from me. Forever.'
It's all about the quality, rather than the quantity for me. All the way.
Sigh. Have I made any sense? Probably not.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
2011: The Year In Review
This past year has been interesting. It has been unexpected at times, trying at others, and above all else a great learning experience. In retrospect, with all the new things that came into my life, whether I initially embraced them or tried to shut them out, I now believe it was all for the best.
Yesterday when I was trying to remember what my resolutions for this year had been, there was only one major one that stood out to me: And which I proudly with the widest smile can say I have given my all. That I will get to later:) However I find it hilarious that I had to think of my resolutions and could only remember one of them, having kind of forgotten the rest. Or had I? As I look through the list to see what I had achieved, although some were far from mind, the opportunites to take these things on board were definitely there, lingering.....
To read, HEAPS more.
Yes, yes and yes. Hold on there was only one point. I guess my point is to emphasise that I did take this on board whole-heartedly. I finished reading several self-help and law of attraction books, have started on "The Celestine Prophecy," started and finished "Persuasion," half-way through that got half-addicted to Jane Austen, am now almost finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am definitely addicted to Jane Austen. It may not seem like much (and I do feel I am missing a book somewhere) but compared to the NO BOOKS I was previously reading (or not reading if that makes sense, though I don't think it does) it is a lot, as all I used to previously read was mags and catalogues, which is really quite pathetic if you have to count that as literature. So I, am no longer, pathetic!
Ha ha.
Oh, and although I didn't work out the blogger, listing books, ticking them off thing, I've still succeeded with my main point, so there :P
To complete my first book by the end of the year.
Well, although I am not finished with this huge task, I am so proud to say that I am up to writing chapter 12 of my planned 14 chapter book. Last night I was writing and had to go back and check some stuff I'd written (I've written so much I forget what I've created!) and once again, as has happened on several other occassions, I was really pleased on reading back certain passages. I will need to revise and re-word quite a bit once I've finished my first draft, but considering I've had no formal training (other than my informal blogging of course :) ) I think I've done quite well.
AND, considering that I didn't actually start writing my book 'til the very end of Feb, I figure my resolution should be modified to extend to the end of Feb' 12: which is in fact when I plan to have the draft of my first book completed by. All is on track.
:):):)
To get fit.
Fail. Ok, well at first I went "fail, massive fail." But then I realised something. Yes I may have started the year off playing basketball with Hubbie a lot, running up and down basketball courts and what-not, with the attempts slowly dwindling to doing NOTHING of the sort. I could use genuine excuses to explain myself. Hubbie's busier schedule and starting a new job; me getting sick at one stage which removed me from all outdoor activities all together with no planned return to them - yes I could use these as an excuse, but I won't (even though I just did). If I had really wanted to do exercise, I would have found a way, no buts about it.
But then I remembered. Due to Hubbie's new job in the last couple of months this year, and the fact that he needs my car to get to and from work, I've been using the train pretty much every single day.
In the morning I walk 10 mins to work from the station. When I finish I walk 10 mins to the station. Then when I get to the station at home, I walk home for 25-30 mins, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
That's every day of the week I work. Now that's a good effort.
So, I have half-committed to that resolution too, though unintentionally:) I could be lazy and wait 15 mins for the bus to take me home, but I start walking. Procrastination eat your heart out.
To improve all my relationships, full-stop.
This is a tricky one. Grey in some areas, as most relationships are. People who I've in the past been distant with, or who I've been angry with, I've now grown closer to, or have a new-found respect for. Others, who I have struggled with in the past, I still continue to struggle with even now.
Over Christmas I tried to put my extreme dislike of one person behind me, just for the day. It worked, and I managed to see them in a somewhat positive light. But then like today, when I remember the shit petty-ness, insecure mind games and arrogance I've received from them in the past, my anger fuels up again and I feel really mad. It's not black and white. Nothing in life ever really is. But the fact that I'm trying to learn, trying to move on, and trying to accept the fact that in order to solve your relationship problems you need to change yourself, tells me that I've made some progress.
Grrr. Changing myself at the ignorance of others just shits me. I'm not the problem. But often in life you've got to swallow your pride (and let Karma take care of the rest....)
To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development.
Yes. Simply put, yes. Through all my reading and thinking and my daily work calendar full of quotes like "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus.
To enjoy life.
This one I completely forgot I wrote down, yet this is the one that must have stayed subconciously in my mind, because this one I, we, have definitely achieved.
We have stepped it up a gear. One of our motto's is "work hard, play hard." We don't always get a chance to do what we want, what with work, family commitments, and other occasions that take up our weekends. So when we do get spare time, we go all out. It may not be big to some, but to us we take extreme pleasure in it: buying coffee whenever we go shopping; eating big and well at very decent restaurants; spoiling ourselves on quality clothes; buying unique and different furniture to furnish our home. We spend a bit more, because that's the kind of life we want: one consisting of quality. Not in the future, but from NOW. Starting from right now.
And we have been doing it, for about 6 months now. Going out, splurging, exploring the town and just smiling. Life is now. You don't wait for tomorrow to enjoy it. That's what we've been doing. Any spare moment we get we enjoy it to the fullest potential, so that when we return to work the next day we don't feel pity for ourselves in seeing someone sitting and relaxing in the sun, and enjoying a coffee at an exclusive cafe.
(Yesterday we had chocolate drizzled cappuccinos and shared a huge waffle for two, drizzled also with chocolate, with side accompaniments of ice cream, strawberries and banana - and today I'm ok with being back at work :) )
Ok, enough reflecting, now for my 2012 Resolutions!
1. To finish the first draft of my first book by late Feb, and by the end of the year have it published with a reputable publisher, with the intention of writing more books in the series for that publisher. This is my first and foremost resolution, it is direct because I know exactly what I want. I'm more than half way there. It WILL happen!
2. To continue to read more, especially in ways that will help along with my writing, and also to read books that will continue to help me better myself spiritually. This is a two-fold resolution. So we'll go to 4.
4. To do some form of exercise ( I have to sigh at this resolution ) however in particular I want to zone in on my arms and make them more toned. I have a goal in mind, as Red has some arm exercises she has to give me in paper form. As soon as she gives them to me, (hopefully soon!) I start! As for the other general exercise, hopefully I will do Zumba with my at-home DVDs, if I can't make myself apply to yoga classes. Yes, as far as resolutions go, my tone in this one sucks, but hey, I have to try, true?
5. To continue living life with Hubbie to the full in every way, shape and form.
6. To continue thinking, believing and LIVING the law of attraction, both for myself and in unison with Hubbie. Although he says I inspired him, some things he has achieved of late have inspired me so much that I want us to continue on this enlightened path, aware that all that we want and aim for in life, we will have.
These, my friends, are my wishes and hopes for myself, and I wish you, all the same happiness, love, health and success that you so rightly deserve.
"Look, I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you, my kind of success."
- (Best ever end-of-movie quote! 'Jerry Maguire.')
Yesterday when I was trying to remember what my resolutions for this year had been, there was only one major one that stood out to me: And which I proudly with the widest smile can say I have given my all. That I will get to later:) However I find it hilarious that I had to think of my resolutions and could only remember one of them, having kind of forgotten the rest. Or had I? As I look through the list to see what I had achieved, although some were far from mind, the opportunites to take these things on board were definitely there, lingering.....
To read, HEAPS more.
Yes, yes and yes. Hold on there was only one point. I guess my point is to emphasise that I did take this on board whole-heartedly. I finished reading several self-help and law of attraction books, have started on "The Celestine Prophecy," started and finished "Persuasion," half-way through that got half-addicted to Jane Austen, am now almost finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am definitely addicted to Jane Austen. It may not seem like much (and I do feel I am missing a book somewhere) but compared to the NO BOOKS I was previously reading (or not reading if that makes sense, though I don't think it does) it is a lot, as all I used to previously read was mags and catalogues, which is really quite pathetic if you have to count that as literature. So I, am no longer, pathetic!
Ha ha.
Oh, and although I didn't work out the blogger, listing books, ticking them off thing, I've still succeeded with my main point, so there :P
To complete my first book by the end of the year.
Well, although I am not finished with this huge task, I am so proud to say that I am up to writing chapter 12 of my planned 14 chapter book. Last night I was writing and had to go back and check some stuff I'd written (I've written so much I forget what I've created!) and once again, as has happened on several other occassions, I was really pleased on reading back certain passages. I will need to revise and re-word quite a bit once I've finished my first draft, but considering I've had no formal training (other than my informal blogging of course :) ) I think I've done quite well.
AND, considering that I didn't actually start writing my book 'til the very end of Feb, I figure my resolution should be modified to extend to the end of Feb' 12: which is in fact when I plan to have the draft of my first book completed by. All is on track.
:):):)
To get fit.
Fail. Ok, well at first I went "fail, massive fail." But then I realised something. Yes I may have started the year off playing basketball with Hubbie a lot, running up and down basketball courts and what-not, with the attempts slowly dwindling to doing NOTHING of the sort. I could use genuine excuses to explain myself. Hubbie's busier schedule and starting a new job; me getting sick at one stage which removed me from all outdoor activities all together with no planned return to them - yes I could use these as an excuse, but I won't (even though I just did). If I had really wanted to do exercise, I would have found a way, no buts about it.
But then I remembered. Due to Hubbie's new job in the last couple of months this year, and the fact that he needs my car to get to and from work, I've been using the train pretty much every single day.
In the morning I walk 10 mins to work from the station. When I finish I walk 10 mins to the station. Then when I get to the station at home, I walk home for 25-30 mins, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.
That's every day of the week I work. Now that's a good effort.
So, I have half-committed to that resolution too, though unintentionally:) I could be lazy and wait 15 mins for the bus to take me home, but I start walking. Procrastination eat your heart out.
To improve all my relationships, full-stop.
This is a tricky one. Grey in some areas, as most relationships are. People who I've in the past been distant with, or who I've been angry with, I've now grown closer to, or have a new-found respect for. Others, who I have struggled with in the past, I still continue to struggle with even now.
Over Christmas I tried to put my extreme dislike of one person behind me, just for the day. It worked, and I managed to see them in a somewhat positive light. But then like today, when I remember the shit petty-ness, insecure mind games and arrogance I've received from them in the past, my anger fuels up again and I feel really mad. It's not black and white. Nothing in life ever really is. But the fact that I'm trying to learn, trying to move on, and trying to accept the fact that in order to solve your relationship problems you need to change yourself, tells me that I've made some progress.
Grrr. Changing myself at the ignorance of others just shits me. I'm not the problem. But often in life you've got to swallow your pride (and let Karma take care of the rest....)
To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development.
Yes. Simply put, yes. Through all my reading and thinking and my daily work calendar full of quotes like "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." - Epictetus.
To enjoy life.
This one I completely forgot I wrote down, yet this is the one that must have stayed subconciously in my mind, because this one I, we, have definitely achieved.
We have stepped it up a gear. One of our motto's is "work hard, play hard." We don't always get a chance to do what we want, what with work, family commitments, and other occasions that take up our weekends. So when we do get spare time, we go all out. It may not be big to some, but to us we take extreme pleasure in it: buying coffee whenever we go shopping; eating big and well at very decent restaurants; spoiling ourselves on quality clothes; buying unique and different furniture to furnish our home. We spend a bit more, because that's the kind of life we want: one consisting of quality. Not in the future, but from NOW. Starting from right now.
And we have been doing it, for about 6 months now. Going out, splurging, exploring the town and just smiling. Life is now. You don't wait for tomorrow to enjoy it. That's what we've been doing. Any spare moment we get we enjoy it to the fullest potential, so that when we return to work the next day we don't feel pity for ourselves in seeing someone sitting and relaxing in the sun, and enjoying a coffee at an exclusive cafe.
(Yesterday we had chocolate drizzled cappuccinos and shared a huge waffle for two, drizzled also with chocolate, with side accompaniments of ice cream, strawberries and banana - and today I'm ok with being back at work :) )
Ok, enough reflecting, now for my 2012 Resolutions!
1. To finish the first draft of my first book by late Feb, and by the end of the year have it published with a reputable publisher, with the intention of writing more books in the series for that publisher. This is my first and foremost resolution, it is direct because I know exactly what I want. I'm more than half way there. It WILL happen!
2. To continue to read more, especially in ways that will help along with my writing, and also to read books that will continue to help me better myself spiritually. This is a two-fold resolution. So we'll go to 4.
4. To do some form of exercise ( I have to sigh at this resolution ) however in particular I want to zone in on my arms and make them more toned. I have a goal in mind, as Red has some arm exercises she has to give me in paper form. As soon as she gives them to me, (hopefully soon!) I start! As for the other general exercise, hopefully I will do Zumba with my at-home DVDs, if I can't make myself apply to yoga classes. Yes, as far as resolutions go, my tone in this one sucks, but hey, I have to try, true?
5. To continue living life with Hubbie to the full in every way, shape and form.
6. To continue thinking, believing and LIVING the law of attraction, both for myself and in unison with Hubbie. Although he says I inspired him, some things he has achieved of late have inspired me so much that I want us to continue on this enlightened path, aware that all that we want and aim for in life, we will have.
These, my friends, are my wishes and hopes for myself, and I wish you, all the same happiness, love, health and success that you so rightly deserve.
"Look, I don't have all the answers. To be honest, in life, I failed as often as I succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you, my kind of success."
- (Best ever end-of-movie quote! 'Jerry Maguire.')
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The freaking pain of writing
So last night I had a complete nervous breakdown. For weeks now I haven't had the proper time to write. First it was my birthday, then the holidays, then more birthdays.... last night was the first night I was able to make myself commit again, as was per normal about a month ago.
Actually, I'd given myself the last 2 writing nights off, in my acknowledgement that I still had to drum up some ideas in order to be actually able to write something. No point in putting my fingers to the keyboard to just sit there staring blankly at the computer screen.
So last night, I sat on the couch next to hubbie as he was watching Family Guy and American Dad eps back to back. I was all prepared you see. Rather than lock myself in the study away from him, I wanted to stay close (awwwww!) and instead plug in my ipod to some classical music so that the distracting Peter Griffin and Stan Smith didn't get in the way of my creative processing thoughts.
So I got organised: I downloaded some Beethoven and got going.
You know that really well-known Beethoven symphony? I think it's symphony no. 5 or 7. Well that's the one that started on my ipod playlist. Really stirring, loud. Maddening. Sitting there on the couch next to hubbie, with flashes of animation passing in front of my eyes, exceptionally loud Beethoven blasting into my ears, and me, Miss S trying to get back into the writing habit, willing my creative thoughts to work, was the scene last night. It didn't take long 'til I went insane.
Then another symphony came on. A slow, sad one. Good. The feel of the beginning of my chapter 10 is a frustrating one, so maybe this sad music could help, I thought. A few more sad symphonies went by. More flashes of animation before my eyes. Bits and pieces of the Griffin family voice seeped their way into my earphones during the slow lapses of music in Beethoven's sad songs. I turned up the volume, only to have to turn it down again quickly when the music suddenly dipped up.
After 5 minutes I realised my fingers were more on my ipod then on the freaking keyboard.
I managed to write about 2 paragraphs. I was getting so frustrated, when a chirpy symphony began. And it really pissed me off. Yes it wasn't sad and depressing, yes the music filled up my ears with sound so that I could block out any remnants of noice from Family Guy, but it didn't match the mood of my chapter! And because it wasn't matching, it was completely screwing with my thoughts.
I sat there, silently stewing for a few moments, then ripping the earphones out, got up and left. I went into the bedroom and sat there with the door closed, where for half the time I managed to write another paragraph, and the other half I bawled my eyes out crying.
It was so frustrating. I was trying to find ways to write, and yet in my efforts to write contentedly sitting next to Hubbie, I had instead failed miserably. I couldn't do it, distractions were all abound. Hubbie came up and tried to comfort me, and his efforts somewhat paid off. But when he asked me to let it go for the night and leave the writing 'til tomorrow, when my head was more clear, I couldn't help bawling again.
And then I realised what it was. It wasn't so much the distractions. It was the fact that I was confused. I had a really bad case of writer's block. This whole time I hadnt been writing, I had put it down to lack of time. And now, when I had the time, I still couldn't write. It was me. I wasn't working properly.
It's not that the words wouldn't come to me, more that the idea and where I want to go in the last part of the story is still one great big muddle of mud. Knowing that I'd skipped the last 2 sessions, along with the knowledge that I was already 9 hours behind in writing time that I still had to make up, was placing an enormous amount of stress on me. I just couldn't take it.
I found some inspiration in a writing book I have though. On a section about when writing gets hard, it says that there are 2 reasons why writing gets hard. Either you don't believe in what you're writing about anymore. Or, you don't know what to write, and this is the time to persist because a breakthrough is near. Like I said to hubbie last night, I really hope this is the latter case for me.
So I'm just gonna have to persist. Write down ideas, brainstorm, try to link things up. Stare at my words, make songs up about the chracters, anything, just until a few pieces click together and bang! it's there.
Maybe I need to change my approach, or try from a different angle, I'm not sure. What I do know is that I always knew this wasn't gonna be easy, and I'll be damned if I'm giving up now.
Giving up? Sorry, I'm not familiar with that expression......
And now to counter this verbally abusive post to the bitch known as writing, I will give you some Happiness :)
Actually, I'd given myself the last 2 writing nights off, in my acknowledgement that I still had to drum up some ideas in order to be actually able to write something. No point in putting my fingers to the keyboard to just sit there staring blankly at the computer screen.
So last night, I sat on the couch next to hubbie as he was watching Family Guy and American Dad eps back to back. I was all prepared you see. Rather than lock myself in the study away from him, I wanted to stay close (awwwww!) and instead plug in my ipod to some classical music so that the distracting Peter Griffin and Stan Smith didn't get in the way of my creative processing thoughts.
So I got organised: I downloaded some Beethoven and got going.
You know that really well-known Beethoven symphony? I think it's symphony no. 5 or 7. Well that's the one that started on my ipod playlist. Really stirring, loud. Maddening. Sitting there on the couch next to hubbie, with flashes of animation passing in front of my eyes, exceptionally loud Beethoven blasting into my ears, and me, Miss S trying to get back into the writing habit, willing my creative thoughts to work, was the scene last night. It didn't take long 'til I went insane.
Then another symphony came on. A slow, sad one. Good. The feel of the beginning of my chapter 10 is a frustrating one, so maybe this sad music could help, I thought. A few more sad symphonies went by. More flashes of animation before my eyes. Bits and pieces of the Griffin family voice seeped their way into my earphones during the slow lapses of music in Beethoven's sad songs. I turned up the volume, only to have to turn it down again quickly when the music suddenly dipped up.
After 5 minutes I realised my fingers were more on my ipod then on the freaking keyboard.
I managed to write about 2 paragraphs. I was getting so frustrated, when a chirpy symphony began. And it really pissed me off. Yes it wasn't sad and depressing, yes the music filled up my ears with sound so that I could block out any remnants of noice from Family Guy, but it didn't match the mood of my chapter! And because it wasn't matching, it was completely screwing with my thoughts.
I sat there, silently stewing for a few moments, then ripping the earphones out, got up and left. I went into the bedroom and sat there with the door closed, where for half the time I managed to write another paragraph, and the other half I bawled my eyes out crying.
It was so frustrating. I was trying to find ways to write, and yet in my efforts to write contentedly sitting next to Hubbie, I had instead failed miserably. I couldn't do it, distractions were all abound. Hubbie came up and tried to comfort me, and his efforts somewhat paid off. But when he asked me to let it go for the night and leave the writing 'til tomorrow, when my head was more clear, I couldn't help bawling again.
And then I realised what it was. It wasn't so much the distractions. It was the fact that I was confused. I had a really bad case of writer's block. This whole time I hadnt been writing, I had put it down to lack of time. And now, when I had the time, I still couldn't write. It was me. I wasn't working properly.
It's not that the words wouldn't come to me, more that the idea and where I want to go in the last part of the story is still one great big muddle of mud. Knowing that I'd skipped the last 2 sessions, along with the knowledge that I was already 9 hours behind in writing time that I still had to make up, was placing an enormous amount of stress on me. I just couldn't take it.
I found some inspiration in a writing book I have though. On a section about when writing gets hard, it says that there are 2 reasons why writing gets hard. Either you don't believe in what you're writing about anymore. Or, you don't know what to write, and this is the time to persist because a breakthrough is near. Like I said to hubbie last night, I really hope this is the latter case for me.
So I'm just gonna have to persist. Write down ideas, brainstorm, try to link things up. Stare at my words, make songs up about the chracters, anything, just until a few pieces click together and bang! it's there.
Maybe I need to change my approach, or try from a different angle, I'm not sure. What I do know is that I always knew this wasn't gonna be easy, and I'll be damned if I'm giving up now.
Giving up? Sorry, I'm not familiar with that expression......
And now to counter this verbally abusive post to the bitch known as writing, I will give you some Happiness :)
Monday, August 29, 2011
Movie Moments
The above is what I'm trying my best to focus on in my return back to work today after 2 weeks.
Like I've previously blogged, many many posts ago, it felt not only weird to be back at work today but also depressing. I know the first day back is always difficult, and it takes a while to get back into the everyday routine.
But I've had such a good time while on leave with Hubbie. Not just good, but great, brilliant, fantastic, fun, every wonderful and heart-warming, good times-explosive word you can imagine.
And it's not even like we went away very far, or for very long. Yes, we went away for a few nights for my birthday, with the rest of the time spent furniture/home furnishing shopping, whilst drinking coffees, going out to brunches and dinners, and going out heaps with our family and friends, with a good dose of drinking and partying to make things that extra bit awesome.
Having the time off with Hubbie was absolute bliss. We haven't had this much time off together since our honeymoon. And it was tooooooo good. Which is why I felt so depressed this morning.
Things did seem a bit weird, a bit off around the office this morning, however I can't quite put my finger on what the changes are, because everything looks the same. Except for the printer, that is different.
Again, in light of these strong feelings, my resolve to write and be my own boss is stronger than ever. Although I had a bit of writers block last week (is it writer's block when you can't find ideas, or you can't find the right words? Maybe both) I know I need to finish this story (I've finished chapter 9) and after finishing it, keep ON writing to develop more books, as not writing would be like killing these characters off in my head. And they definitely have a story that needs to be heard.
Also, coming back to work to learn that once again
hey you! yes you! you are going to be in charge again while your boss is away! YAY!
is not exactly love inducing. I wanted to come back to work and have it be all cruisy because I'm still in freaking holiday mode. I have my brother-in-law's birthday tonight, my bestie Blonde is visiting again from the U.S, and I want to ease into this thing. But no. Work has other plans doesn't it. And not only that, but people have to snap at me too, don't they, just for fucking asking questions and doing my job as opposed to slacking off and counting down the seconds like the complete idiotic incompetent wankers that they are (ahem, cough* no-show boy).
So, here I sit, breathing deeply, and thinking of my book. Of my success. How all this bullshit is going to make it so much more worth it one day.
I think back to brunch with my friends yesterday. Talking to Red about her engagement plans on the busy street sidewalk, while Blonde and our other friends wave at us through the shop window, pointing at bags and accessories. I think of Blonde walking up to us and enveloping us in a big group hug.
I think of Hubbie. My everything. I think of us walking around in random circles in over-commercialised shopping centres, drinking expensive coffee and getting excited about practically everything, all the while trying to focus on buying things for the home while getting constantly sidetracked from our over-hyped, caffeine-induced states. And then buying really expensive things at the drop of a hat just because we can :)
Those are the movie moments.
I think of lying across Hubbie and staring up at him, and this I struggle to think of in fear of tears trickling down my face, because I miss that so much. Yes I have that still, but I want it every day, not just end of day when we're all over the routine and work of life, tired and crap.
So that's why I've got to focus and push past the writer's block. Because I want it all. I can have it all, I know I can.
"Me, I want what's coming to me. The world Chico, and everything in it." - Tony Montana, Scarface.
Like I've previously blogged, many many posts ago, it felt not only weird to be back at work today but also depressing. I know the first day back is always difficult, and it takes a while to get back into the everyday routine.
But I've had such a good time while on leave with Hubbie. Not just good, but great, brilliant, fantastic, fun, every wonderful and heart-warming, good times-explosive word you can imagine.
And it's not even like we went away very far, or for very long. Yes, we went away for a few nights for my birthday, with the rest of the time spent furniture/home furnishing shopping, whilst drinking coffees, going out to brunches and dinners, and going out heaps with our family and friends, with a good dose of drinking and partying to make things that extra bit awesome.
Having the time off with Hubbie was absolute bliss. We haven't had this much time off together since our honeymoon. And it was tooooooo good. Which is why I felt so depressed this morning.
Things did seem a bit weird, a bit off around the office this morning, however I can't quite put my finger on what the changes are, because everything looks the same. Except for the printer, that is different.
Again, in light of these strong feelings, my resolve to write and be my own boss is stronger than ever. Although I had a bit of writers block last week (is it writer's block when you can't find ideas, or you can't find the right words? Maybe both) I know I need to finish this story (I've finished chapter 9) and after finishing it, keep ON writing to develop more books, as not writing would be like killing these characters off in my head. And they definitely have a story that needs to be heard.
Also, coming back to work to learn that once again
hey you! yes you! you are going to be in charge again while your boss is away! YAY!
is not exactly love inducing. I wanted to come back to work and have it be all cruisy because I'm still in freaking holiday mode. I have my brother-in-law's birthday tonight, my bestie Blonde is visiting again from the U.S, and I want to ease into this thing. But no. Work has other plans doesn't it. And not only that, but people have to snap at me too, don't they, just for fucking asking questions and doing my job as opposed to slacking off and counting down the seconds like the complete idiotic incompetent wankers that they are (ahem, cough* no-show boy).
So, here I sit, breathing deeply, and thinking of my book. Of my success. How all this bullshit is going to make it so much more worth it one day.
I think back to brunch with my friends yesterday. Talking to Red about her engagement plans on the busy street sidewalk, while Blonde and our other friends wave at us through the shop window, pointing at bags and accessories. I think of Blonde walking up to us and enveloping us in a big group hug.
I think of Hubbie. My everything. I think of us walking around in random circles in over-commercialised shopping centres, drinking expensive coffee and getting excited about practically everything, all the while trying to focus on buying things for the home while getting constantly sidetracked from our over-hyped, caffeine-induced states. And then buying really expensive things at the drop of a hat just because we can :)
Those are the movie moments.
I think of lying across Hubbie and staring up at him, and this I struggle to think of in fear of tears trickling down my face, because I miss that so much. Yes I have that still, but I want it every day, not just end of day when we're all over the routine and work of life, tired and crap.
So that's why I've got to focus and push past the writer's block. Because I want it all. I can have it all, I know I can.
"Me, I want what's coming to me. The world Chico, and everything in it." - Tony Montana, Scarface.
Monday, March 21, 2011
It's harder than it seems....
So, I haven't been around much. I know that although A LOT of the time that I am busy, I still have the chance to blog while at work, but unfortunately, that too has been super-crammed-in with stuff going on.
You know when you haven't written in so long, that you don't even know what to write anymore? Yeah, that's just because
A) you can't remember where to begin, and
B) I feel most of my creative energies going towards my Story :)
Yes, that has happened my dears, I always knew that once I started writing my passion, my blog would ultimately suffer. I don't want to be one of the endless bloggers out there, who when you click on 'Next Blog,' you see their last update was in Dec '08. No thank you. If I decide to conclude my blogging, my last entry will be just that, my last, and definitely conclusive. But that day isn't here yet, and if it were up to me, I will do this as long as I can. Away from my diary writing days, this is the closest free therapy I can get :)
So as I have no clear beginning for this blog post, therefore there will be no end. Free blogging I call it - let's go!
* Because he is in my direct view as I speak, I'll begin with no-show boy: he's pissing me off again. Just the other week, on a Wednesday, (only 3 days after he came back from a whole MONTH of annual leave mind you!) I deliberately told him that I was having the upcoming Friday off, you know, as a GENUINE RDO. There was a little voice in me that said "careful Miss S," which I obviously ignored. Well lo and behold, I come in the next day on Thursday, and he has conveniently called in sick! He always does this! He takes it upon himself to take sick days when he feels he is 'due' only because others are having their days off! Hey, we deserve them..... and it's not fair because he still gets his RDOs! Grrrrrrr!
And he is always sick. That's the thing. He is not genuinely sick, the kind of sick I get maybe 2 to 3 times A WINTER. No he is 'sick' at least once every few weeks for the entire year..... and you know what his excuse always is? "Oh, I slept only 3 hours, and then I was absolutely f***ed getting up...."
Really? You were totally screwed with only 3 hours sleep? Nooooo, you don't say! Maybe quit smoking pot all night, and then you might actually get some shut eye! And believe me, I'm NOT making that part up.
Ha. Taking it upon himself to MAKE himself sick because he is due a day off. My arse you're due.
Today even, being a Monday, he has come in not only 30 minutes late, BUT has been sniffling and blowing his nose ALL DAY. It is really disgusting when you are eating and hearing someone breathe in their snot in a continuous motion. It's not nice. And I can't really feel sorry for him, knowing it's self-induced. Sorry mate, I know you want me to turn to you and say "ohhhhh, no-show boy, you should go home, you've been sick all day!"
No way. Not when you're always sick. You know those people, who are ALWAYS sick, always complaining of something? Well there are these things called vitamins dude. Take them. Don't forget to quit the pot either.
* Well, it's certainly harder than it seems, let me tell you. The writing that is. There is sooo much to think about: characters, what they will say, is what they're saying in character, am I progressing the story too much, am I not revealing enough, AND THEN I'm constantly re-evaluating where I am in the story and making sure I'm still on track and writing with my primary story goal in mind. Phew!
I love it, and when I get into it, it's great. I've laid down some rules, such as I must write on Thursdays, AND most Monday nights. I think it is way too hard to find time on the weekend, when those days end up being catch up days for all things house-related, as well as generally being a time that you wanna just have fun. It's just that I haven't even finished a chapter yet - as I write, I realise I need to research certain things, and it makes it actually impossible for me to continue unless I do that. I'm hoping once I get over the 1st chapter hurdles, I'll be on my way, and moving a lot quicker and smoother.
Oh yeah, and every time I read my first few paragraphs, I totally lose focus: proof that I've read it too many times. It scares me at first, because I wonder in panic "why am I zoning out?"
Ahhhh, writing is pure torture. Yet I still love this kind of torture.
* I've realised/decided that meditation is the key. Especially when dealing with annoying people. In an effort not to want to mention names, even fictional ones I've created to disguise real people, I'm simply going to say 'annoying people' here. I was fine for a LONG time. I wasn't aggravated, necessarily totally upset or hurt or maddened by any actions or words, or just generally normal behaviour performed by persons of interest. Until this last weekend.
It is so much easier to say "I'll ignore this person," than to actually ignore them. The doing of the act, is A LOT harder. Especially when you're forced into a 5 hour situation where you can't get away. My scenario resembles that of throwing an untrained swimmer into the deep end. They may splatter about for a few minutes, until they sink and drown. That's how I felt just recently.
I'm trying to get my head around the fact that people can't be changed. This is a very difficult realisation to grasp. Also, I don't understand people's hostile and rude behaviours, and why they don't realise that despite their high opinions of themselves, they actually are far from perfect, far from good at all.
But when you risk hurting your loved ones, saying things like this out loud becomes impossible. A situation that has no solution, a beginning that has no end. So you have to learn to deal, even when learning becomes increasingly excruciating to do so. I'm not sure where I stand, but in the midst of my google search for 'dealing with difficult family members' this morning, I discovered a few repeating points of advice:
- you can't change them, but you can change how you react to them
- don't react immediately to offensive words/behaviour: take a breath and respond when calm
- don't allow yourself to enter into topics that will cause intense disagreements
- don't focus on their bad qualities, as all you will see is their bad qualities
I always struggle with points like these, as I feel that with I myself having to accomodate to their behaviour, is like some kind of acceptance that their behaviour is ok. When it is far from that. I know that learning to deal with it is not saying that, but as I said yesterday, "why do I have to deal with them? Why can't they deal with me?"
I wish I could give them a piece of my mind..... I don't know, maybe the day will come when that happens. In the meantime I need to breathe. I breathed a lot yesterday, and I just feel different. Then again I prayed intensely, maybe I received some inspired clarity, divine guidance that I do not yet know I have.
It just makes me sad when I notice I'm acting out negatively, in the most minor every-day situations in my life, all because I haven't been able to express myself in the situation that most matters. But I feel a change within me, and I really hope that this time I'm able to follow through on it. I just need to learn how to waddle first, before I can dive into the deep end. Learning and building one's character through intense trials takes a lot of time....
Well that's all for today...... so concludes Miss S' random tidbits, til the next tidbit session....
Ta ta.
You know when you haven't written in so long, that you don't even know what to write anymore? Yeah, that's just because
A) you can't remember where to begin, and
B) I feel most of my creative energies going towards my Story :)
Yes, that has happened my dears, I always knew that once I started writing my passion, my blog would ultimately suffer. I don't want to be one of the endless bloggers out there, who when you click on 'Next Blog,' you see their last update was in Dec '08. No thank you. If I decide to conclude my blogging, my last entry will be just that, my last, and definitely conclusive. But that day isn't here yet, and if it were up to me, I will do this as long as I can. Away from my diary writing days, this is the closest free therapy I can get :)
So as I have no clear beginning for this blog post, therefore there will be no end. Free blogging I call it - let's go!
* Because he is in my direct view as I speak, I'll begin with no-show boy: he's pissing me off again. Just the other week, on a Wednesday, (only 3 days after he came back from a whole MONTH of annual leave mind you!) I deliberately told him that I was having the upcoming Friday off, you know, as a GENUINE RDO. There was a little voice in me that said "careful Miss S," which I obviously ignored. Well lo and behold, I come in the next day on Thursday, and he has conveniently called in sick! He always does this! He takes it upon himself to take sick days when he feels he is 'due' only because others are having their days off! Hey, we deserve them..... and it's not fair because he still gets his RDOs! Grrrrrrr!
And he is always sick. That's the thing. He is not genuinely sick, the kind of sick I get maybe 2 to 3 times A WINTER. No he is 'sick' at least once every few weeks for the entire year..... and you know what his excuse always is? "Oh, I slept only 3 hours, and then I was absolutely f***ed getting up...."
Really? You were totally screwed with only 3 hours sleep? Nooooo, you don't say! Maybe quit smoking pot all night, and then you might actually get some shut eye! And believe me, I'm NOT making that part up.
Ha. Taking it upon himself to MAKE himself sick because he is due a day off. My arse you're due.
Today even, being a Monday, he has come in not only 30 minutes late, BUT has been sniffling and blowing his nose ALL DAY. It is really disgusting when you are eating and hearing someone breathe in their snot in a continuous motion. It's not nice. And I can't really feel sorry for him, knowing it's self-induced. Sorry mate, I know you want me to turn to you and say "ohhhhh, no-show boy, you should go home, you've been sick all day!"
No way. Not when you're always sick. You know those people, who are ALWAYS sick, always complaining of something? Well there are these things called vitamins dude. Take them. Don't forget to quit the pot either.
* Well, it's certainly harder than it seems, let me tell you. The writing that is. There is sooo much to think about: characters, what they will say, is what they're saying in character, am I progressing the story too much, am I not revealing enough, AND THEN I'm constantly re-evaluating where I am in the story and making sure I'm still on track and writing with my primary story goal in mind. Phew!
I love it, and when I get into it, it's great. I've laid down some rules, such as I must write on Thursdays, AND most Monday nights. I think it is way too hard to find time on the weekend, when those days end up being catch up days for all things house-related, as well as generally being a time that you wanna just have fun. It's just that I haven't even finished a chapter yet - as I write, I realise I need to research certain things, and it makes it actually impossible for me to continue unless I do that. I'm hoping once I get over the 1st chapter hurdles, I'll be on my way, and moving a lot quicker and smoother.
Oh yeah, and every time I read my first few paragraphs, I totally lose focus: proof that I've read it too many times. It scares me at first, because I wonder in panic "why am I zoning out?"
Ahhhh, writing is pure torture. Yet I still love this kind of torture.
* I've realised/decided that meditation is the key. Especially when dealing with annoying people. In an effort not to want to mention names, even fictional ones I've created to disguise real people, I'm simply going to say 'annoying people' here. I was fine for a LONG time. I wasn't aggravated, necessarily totally upset or hurt or maddened by any actions or words, or just generally normal behaviour performed by persons of interest. Until this last weekend.
It is so much easier to say "I'll ignore this person," than to actually ignore them. The doing of the act, is A LOT harder. Especially when you're forced into a 5 hour situation where you can't get away. My scenario resembles that of throwing an untrained swimmer into the deep end. They may splatter about for a few minutes, until they sink and drown. That's how I felt just recently.
I'm trying to get my head around the fact that people can't be changed. This is a very difficult realisation to grasp. Also, I don't understand people's hostile and rude behaviours, and why they don't realise that despite their high opinions of themselves, they actually are far from perfect, far from good at all.
But when you risk hurting your loved ones, saying things like this out loud becomes impossible. A situation that has no solution, a beginning that has no end. So you have to learn to deal, even when learning becomes increasingly excruciating to do so. I'm not sure where I stand, but in the midst of my google search for 'dealing with difficult family members' this morning, I discovered a few repeating points of advice:
- you can't change them, but you can change how you react to them
- don't react immediately to offensive words/behaviour: take a breath and respond when calm
- don't allow yourself to enter into topics that will cause intense disagreements
- don't focus on their bad qualities, as all you will see is their bad qualities
I always struggle with points like these, as I feel that with I myself having to accomodate to their behaviour, is like some kind of acceptance that their behaviour is ok. When it is far from that. I know that learning to deal with it is not saying that, but as I said yesterday, "why do I have to deal with them? Why can't they deal with me?"
I wish I could give them a piece of my mind..... I don't know, maybe the day will come when that happens. In the meantime I need to breathe. I breathed a lot yesterday, and I just feel different. Then again I prayed intensely, maybe I received some inspired clarity, divine guidance that I do not yet know I have.
It just makes me sad when I notice I'm acting out negatively, in the most minor every-day situations in my life, all because I haven't been able to express myself in the situation that most matters. But I feel a change within me, and I really hope that this time I'm able to follow through on it. I just need to learn how to waddle first, before I can dive into the deep end. Learning and building one's character through intense trials takes a lot of time....
Well that's all for today...... so concludes Miss S' random tidbits, til the next tidbit session....
Ta ta.
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