That sounds like it should be a title in the Bourne series.
I was going to use the word conclusion, but then I realised when it comes to this girl, nothing she does, no motive, no event, is really ever going to be final or conclusive. Just as our friendship.
Boy was my dream right. The hole in her top from being shot at, represents the shots being fired at her in real life. Her sister didn’t tell me this when I asked about Blonde, because she too is involved in the family turmoil that is clouding them all.
Without getting into detail, shit has happened, life changes and choices abound, and she feels like a little lost puppy, with many places to go, but with no real home.
I’m feeling quite torn and confused after our almost 2 hour Skype chat. I feel deeply sorry for her, and I even shed some tears of my own about my life in amongst her tear-stained face. We were a couple of massive sooks on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.
And, although my question of why she hasn’t made contact with me in ages has sort of been answered, in another way it kind of hasn’t. Although she said she tends to bottle things up, she mentioned how she’s been speaking to another close friend of hers, and I couldn’t help thinking ‘who contacted who?’ It’s very likely that the ‘other’ friend contacted Blonde, but I’m kind of wondering, festering slowly over the annoying chance that Blonde went to her… and then I must ask – why didn’t she come to me?
I know it’s a lot of ‘what ifs?’ but there’s the other annoying thing, the part where she didn’t mention, or take note ofthe fact that I was quite worried about her these last few months. Either she is oblivious to it, or doesn’t care that I was looking for her. I know she’s had a lot on, I get it; however I had this really overwhelming emotion come over me when we were talking, and I thought to myself ‘I’ve been listening to everyone this year, from their happiness, to mostly their crap and problems and issues with life, and now it’s time for me. What about me?’
What about me. That has been circling my head for a couple of days now. I need someone to listen to me as well. I need someone to care. I need someone to ask if I’m doing alright. I’m a person with real needs and emotions too.
The day after our Skype chat I noticed she had sent me an email which I hadn’t seen at the time. She said she was going to bed. Having not seen this, I’d logged onto Skype and she had told me she’d get out of bed when I messaged her. I just thought she was resting there… that shit me too. Here we are, we haven’t spoken in yonks, I’m worried about her, and she can’t stay up for a bit to talk to her ‘close’ friend? I can’t say bestie anymore…
I know she cares… but I just have to wonder. I wonder if I’ve invested more into this friendship than she has, and I feel that is apparent from her failure to acknowledge my concern, in her absence of reaching out to me in her hard time, and in the fact that she was still crying over Red. That makes me sad too; but I’m here. There is someone who cares. I don’t know if she’s seeing that, or if I’m looking into things too much.
I can’t talk to her for a while now. As hard as it is, and as much as I wanted her to know I'm thinking of her, I need to distance at this point in time. As much as I learnt the other day, I feel like I know that much less about our friendship. And the not-knowing hurts.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Speculating about the Ordinary
I haven’t been blogging so much as of late. There’s so much going on in my life, and so you might say ‘oh yeah you’re busy.’ It happens in blog world. There are times where you get all hyped up and blog like crazy, constantly looking around you for blog inspiration, to the point where you’re at work, doing the best blogging you’ve ever done in your life, completely forgetting to do any actual work.
With all the busy-ness, you’d think that when I actually do get time, that I’d have something to write about. No, nothing.
I was thinking about it yesterday. There is so much going on in my life, and I finally made the effort to link the two together after a convo I was having with Hubbie yesterday. I was telling him how after seeing my relos on the weekend, I was hanging for the day when I could say “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
Well, not as such those words. But whenever they ask me “so, what’s new?” All I want to say is EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING has been going on. Instead I go “ahh, not much.”
All the life-changing things that are going on, the things that Hubbie and I plan for, and talk about, my deepest secrets and plans, all of it, are things that I’m not telling anyone. Actually no I lie. The one thing that a small circle of people know about is my book. And whoever has read about it in the blogger-verse, but that I don’t really count that because no one knows who I actually am, and I want to keep it that way. :)
My book. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life, (pardon the pun) and move on from this job. I’m so over it. Ok, I’m putting it out there: I’M SO OVER IT. I want to be my own boss, do my own thing, and make my passion, my work, my job. Wouldn’t that be the most glorious thing? Going to work in the morning (down the stairs at home or to the local café which our friends own with my laptop) and doing what I love - writing -all day every day? Having that freedom, to live life as I want – that’s what I aspire to. That’s the dream.
And I just want it to be out there! I’ve finished the second draft, I’m doing fixes, but I feel like I have no time, I need solid blocks of free time to do all my read-throughs and make sure everything connects. I can’t wait to send it out, I seriously can’t wait.
And I can’t wait to scream out to the world: I am an author! But until things are settled, and until it’s actually happening, I need to be patient, and take my time – do things properly.
So in the meantime I say to people “hmm, not much.”
And on top of that, I feel like I have even less reason to blog, because I’ve started a kind of a diary – I did consider making it into another blog, but due to the contents and my hopeful plans for it, I’m keeping it on the low, for now.
Writing book + writing secret journal = not too much time for random blog.
And so you can see why the hell I can’t say anything. It’s so annoying!
“So yeah, I’ve been busy.”
“With what?”
“Ahh, can’t say. Oh there’s – nope can’t tell you that either. Oh and - nope sorry.”
That’s the bullshit conversation I want to avoid.
I feel so boring around other people, yet my insides want to burst with excitement. It’s hard. Hubbie and I have things we’re hoping for, and we have things we’re kind of guessing on, but until certain things actually develop and certain circumstances come into fruition, we’ve been standing around, kind of in a state of nothingness, smiling and nodding, saying “Oh, good!”
But our day will come. Too right it will.
With all the busy-ness, you’d think that when I actually do get time, that I’d have something to write about. No, nothing.
I was thinking about it yesterday. There is so much going on in my life, and I finally made the effort to link the two together after a convo I was having with Hubbie yesterday. I was telling him how after seeing my relos on the weekend, I was hanging for the day when I could say “BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”
Well, not as such those words. But whenever they ask me “so, what’s new?” All I want to say is EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING has been going on. Instead I go “ahh, not much.”
All the life-changing things that are going on, the things that Hubbie and I plan for, and talk about, my deepest secrets and plans, all of it, are things that I’m not telling anyone. Actually no I lie. The one thing that a small circle of people know about is my book. And whoever has read about it in the blogger-verse, but that I don’t really count that because no one knows who I actually am, and I want to keep it that way. :)
My book. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life, (pardon the pun) and move on from this job. I’m so over it. Ok, I’m putting it out there: I’M SO OVER IT. I want to be my own boss, do my own thing, and make my passion, my work, my job. Wouldn’t that be the most glorious thing? Going to work in the morning (down the stairs at home or to the local café which our friends own with my laptop) and doing what I love - writing -all day every day? Having that freedom, to live life as I want – that’s what I aspire to. That’s the dream.
And I just want it to be out there! I’ve finished the second draft, I’m doing fixes, but I feel like I have no time, I need solid blocks of free time to do all my read-throughs and make sure everything connects. I can’t wait to send it out, I seriously can’t wait.
And I can’t wait to scream out to the world: I am an author! But until things are settled, and until it’s actually happening, I need to be patient, and take my time – do things properly.
So in the meantime I say to people “hmm, not much.”
And on top of that, I feel like I have even less reason to blog, because I’ve started a kind of a diary – I did consider making it into another blog, but due to the contents and my hopeful plans for it, I’m keeping it on the low, for now.
Writing book + writing secret journal = not too much time for random blog.
And so you can see why the hell I can’t say anything. It’s so annoying!
“So yeah, I’ve been busy.”
“With what?”
“Ahh, can’t say. Oh there’s – nope can’t tell you that either. Oh and - nope sorry.”
That’s the bullshit conversation I want to avoid.
I feel so boring around other people, yet my insides want to burst with excitement. It’s hard. Hubbie and I have things we’re hoping for, and we have things we’re kind of guessing on, but until certain things actually develop and certain circumstances come into fruition, we’ve been standing around, kind of in a state of nothingness, smiling and nodding, saying “Oh, good!”
But our day will come. Too right it will.
Monday, January 23, 2012
13
Often the number 13 evokes a sense of intense fear and danger by those who come across it in their everyday lives. The number brings forth images of black cats, women pinned to stakes, ladders, breaking mirrors and just a general feel of ominous doom. Whether you come across it in calculating finances, planning a party, or choosing a house or car, if something is suggestive towards this lowly-regarded number being the sum of whatever it is you're doing, chances are that at first sight of it you'll be running for the hills, far far away, along with the rest of herd.
I, usually, am part of this herd.
If we're looking at houses, I won't want one that has 13 in the address. With cars, I add up the numbers on the reg: if the total comes to 13, again, I consider it a bad sign. (Don't get me started on cars with three of the same number, the number that comes after 5 but before 7 - shudder).
I don't know why I tend to diverge from this number. I think over time I've just gone along with the flow and joined in with the rest of the hype about the number: I've actually heard that Italians consider it a lucky number. Growing up, Red had a bit of a fear about it, and she kept seeing signs of it everywhere: dates, the time, even the number of letters in her first and last name added up to 13. (Teenage girls have a lot of time on their hands).
Another friend I grew up with, got her first period on Friday the 13th. Faaaarrrrrrr. She was secretly rapt, I know, being a bit of a late bloomer and all, but I was just like "What? Friday the 13th? Of all days?!"
I've ended up having my birthday on the 13th a couple of times, just the way the dates worked out that year, and I can't say anything really horrible happened. But if given the option, I would always go for the other option, rather than outright choose something with 13 associated with it.
(I think the stories of my parents upbringing got me really superstitious and stuff too.)
However, I'm starting to see things differently. Today is a 13 number for me, and a great number at that.
Including today, I only have 13 more working days until I go on leave next month.
:-D! :-D! :-D!
YIPPEE for me! I am so excited. When I start preparing my to-do list of holiday stuff, I think I might spontaneously explode with the amount of items I will be potentially ticking off.
And because Hubbie isn't able to take holidays with me, as he has only recently started a new job, I will be on my own, getting lots of little bullshit jobs done. I'll be organising photos, cleaning windows, sorting through recipes and indexing them, throwing out old bills, EVERYTHING!
You think I'm crazy now don't you? You think I'm going to devote my time off to just cleaning the house? No siree!
I'm gonna be catching up with my parents, my sister, my cousins, my extended family, my friends, the works! On Hubbie's days off, we're going to go out and not come home until it's dark! I'm going to be watching my fave tv shows and movies 'til REALLY late at night, because I won't have work the next day! I'll be shopping, trying on dresses with Red for her wedding, going to parks, to the beach, eating out and most important drinking coffee and eating cake and ice cream!
!!!!!
I am going to do it all, whenever, however and wherever I like! :-D
Oh, and I almost forget. I'll be finishing off my book then too, you know that story I keep mentioning. Yeah......
:-D
Which brings me to another 13. I finished chapter 12 last night.
:-D :-D :-D
I, usually, am part of this herd.
If we're looking at houses, I won't want one that has 13 in the address. With cars, I add up the numbers on the reg: if the total comes to 13, again, I consider it a bad sign. (Don't get me started on cars with three of the same number, the number that comes after 5 but before 7 - shudder).
I don't know why I tend to diverge from this number. I think over time I've just gone along with the flow and joined in with the rest of the hype about the number: I've actually heard that Italians consider it a lucky number. Growing up, Red had a bit of a fear about it, and she kept seeing signs of it everywhere: dates, the time, even the number of letters in her first and last name added up to 13. (Teenage girls have a lot of time on their hands).
Another friend I grew up with, got her first period on Friday the 13th. Faaaarrrrrrr. She was secretly rapt, I know, being a bit of a late bloomer and all, but I was just like "What? Friday the 13th? Of all days?!"
I've ended up having my birthday on the 13th a couple of times, just the way the dates worked out that year, and I can't say anything really horrible happened. But if given the option, I would always go for the other option, rather than outright choose something with 13 associated with it.
(I think the stories of my parents upbringing got me really superstitious and stuff too.)
However, I'm starting to see things differently. Today is a 13 number for me, and a great number at that.
Including today, I only have 13 more working days until I go on leave next month.
:-D! :-D! :-D!
YIPPEE for me! I am so excited. When I start preparing my to-do list of holiday stuff, I think I might spontaneously explode with the amount of items I will be potentially ticking off.
And because Hubbie isn't able to take holidays with me, as he has only recently started a new job, I will be on my own, getting lots of little bullshit jobs done. I'll be organising photos, cleaning windows, sorting through recipes and indexing them, throwing out old bills, EVERYTHING!
You think I'm crazy now don't you? You think I'm going to devote my time off to just cleaning the house? No siree!
I'm gonna be catching up with my parents, my sister, my cousins, my extended family, my friends, the works! On Hubbie's days off, we're going to go out and not come home until it's dark! I'm going to be watching my fave tv shows and movies 'til REALLY late at night, because I won't have work the next day! I'll be shopping, trying on dresses with Red for her wedding, going to parks, to the beach, eating out and most important drinking coffee and eating cake and ice cream!
!!!!!
I am going to do it all, whenever, however and wherever I like! :-D
Oh, and I almost forget. I'll be finishing off my book then too, you know that story I keep mentioning. Yeah......
:-D
Which brings me to another 13. I finished chapter 12 last night.
:-D :-D :-D
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Engagements and Weddings are coming out of my ar - .... ahem, behind - PART 2
Yes, there are more. As if there were not enough already, and with both of my friends' engagements behind us now, I can confirm more details of engagement/wedding joy impending on us.
THE DEFINITES
- The wedding that was confirmed for this month has now been postponed 'til Jan next year. That I don't mind, because October is always so busy for us, and January is super boring. So it evens things up a bit.
- This upcoming weekend we have an engagement - family friend on my side who announced her engagement not long ago.
- My friend is having her wedding in May, as previously confirmed.
- On the same weekend as above friend, Hubbie's 2nd cousin is also having his wedding. On the SAME weekend. Geez people. Hoping he picks the Sunday, as above friend is already confirmed for the Saturday.
- Red is having hers November next year.
- The week after Red's is Hubbie's best mate's wife's bro who is getting married to a relative of Hubbie's.
THE MAYBES
- 2 cousins of mine, both who haven't made dates as yet
- The above mentioned family friend will most likely have her wedding next year
- Just a couple days ago we heard that (deep breath) Hubbie's best mate's wife's brother's FIANCE (also known as Hubbie's relative) her brother has just announced his engagement. Phew! So that wedding may happen next year too. And an engagement may precede that also, all depending....
- Another cousin of Hubbie's who lives overseas, has met a man who lives in Australia, and they will most likely be moving here. They have filled in the relevant paperwork, and again, a wedding should definitely follow.
See how, when it rains it freaking pours cats and dogs????
AFTERWORD
I wrote this a couple of days ago before I posted it today. As Murphy's Law would have it, one of my above cousins who I said is most likely to get married next year, Legs, well she emailed me to say they have broken up. Without going into the specifics, she isn't going to wait for somebody who suddenly doesn't know what they want, as heartbreaking as it is. I feel so badly for her. It was kind of obvious things weren't right, and for a while now both families have been at it, but to come to this was something I never expected of them.
And he seemed the best match for her. Obviously not.
And then I hear my other cousin is already into the (completely outdated and domineering) habit of putting down his fiance in front of other family members. Like really? He's turning into his Dad who he despises so much. Let's see how long this one will take.
Sounds like my side of the family won't be contributing to any matrimonial bliss for a while yet......
THE DEFINITES
- The wedding that was confirmed for this month has now been postponed 'til Jan next year. That I don't mind, because October is always so busy for us, and January is super boring. So it evens things up a bit.
- This upcoming weekend we have an engagement - family friend on my side who announced her engagement not long ago.
- My friend is having her wedding in May, as previously confirmed.
- On the same weekend as above friend, Hubbie's 2nd cousin is also having his wedding. On the SAME weekend. Geez people. Hoping he picks the Sunday, as above friend is already confirmed for the Saturday.
- Red is having hers November next year.
- The week after Red's is Hubbie's best mate's wife's bro who is getting married to a relative of Hubbie's.
THE MAYBES
- 2 cousins of mine, both who haven't made dates as yet
- The above mentioned family friend will most likely have her wedding next year
- Just a couple days ago we heard that (deep breath) Hubbie's best mate's wife's brother's FIANCE (also known as Hubbie's relative) her brother has just announced his engagement. Phew! So that wedding may happen next year too. And an engagement may precede that also, all depending....
- Another cousin of Hubbie's who lives overseas, has met a man who lives in Australia, and they will most likely be moving here. They have filled in the relevant paperwork, and again, a wedding should definitely follow.
See how, when it rains it freaking pours cats and dogs????
AFTERWORD
I wrote this a couple of days ago before I posted it today. As Murphy's Law would have it, one of my above cousins who I said is most likely to get married next year, Legs, well she emailed me to say they have broken up. Without going into the specifics, she isn't going to wait for somebody who suddenly doesn't know what they want, as heartbreaking as it is. I feel so badly for her. It was kind of obvious things weren't right, and for a while now both families have been at it, but to come to this was something I never expected of them.
And he seemed the best match for her. Obviously not.
And then I hear my other cousin is already into the (completely outdated and domineering) habit of putting down his fiance in front of other family members. Like really? He's turning into his Dad who he despises so much. Let's see how long this one will take.
Sounds like my side of the family won't be contributing to any matrimonial bliss for a while yet......
Monday, August 29, 2011
Movie Moments
The above is what I'm trying my best to focus on in my return back to work today after 2 weeks.
Like I've previously blogged, many many posts ago, it felt not only weird to be back at work today but also depressing. I know the first day back is always difficult, and it takes a while to get back into the everyday routine.
But I've had such a good time while on leave with Hubbie. Not just good, but great, brilliant, fantastic, fun, every wonderful and heart-warming, good times-explosive word you can imagine.
And it's not even like we went away very far, or for very long. Yes, we went away for a few nights for my birthday, with the rest of the time spent furniture/home furnishing shopping, whilst drinking coffees, going out to brunches and dinners, and going out heaps with our family and friends, with a good dose of drinking and partying to make things that extra bit awesome.
Having the time off with Hubbie was absolute bliss. We haven't had this much time off together since our honeymoon. And it was tooooooo good. Which is why I felt so depressed this morning.
Things did seem a bit weird, a bit off around the office this morning, however I can't quite put my finger on what the changes are, because everything looks the same. Except for the printer, that is different.
Again, in light of these strong feelings, my resolve to write and be my own boss is stronger than ever. Although I had a bit of writers block last week (is it writer's block when you can't find ideas, or you can't find the right words? Maybe both) I know I need to finish this story (I've finished chapter 9) and after finishing it, keep ON writing to develop more books, as not writing would be like killing these characters off in my head. And they definitely have a story that needs to be heard.
Also, coming back to work to learn that once again
hey you! yes you! you are going to be in charge again while your boss is away! YAY!
is not exactly love inducing. I wanted to come back to work and have it be all cruisy because I'm still in freaking holiday mode. I have my brother-in-law's birthday tonight, my bestie Blonde is visiting again from the U.S, and I want to ease into this thing. But no. Work has other plans doesn't it. And not only that, but people have to snap at me too, don't they, just for fucking asking questions and doing my job as opposed to slacking off and counting down the seconds like the complete idiotic incompetent wankers that they are (ahem, cough* no-show boy).
So, here I sit, breathing deeply, and thinking of my book. Of my success. How all this bullshit is going to make it so much more worth it one day.
I think back to brunch with my friends yesterday. Talking to Red about her engagement plans on the busy street sidewalk, while Blonde and our other friends wave at us through the shop window, pointing at bags and accessories. I think of Blonde walking up to us and enveloping us in a big group hug.
I think of Hubbie. My everything. I think of us walking around in random circles in over-commercialised shopping centres, drinking expensive coffee and getting excited about practically everything, all the while trying to focus on buying things for the home while getting constantly sidetracked from our over-hyped, caffeine-induced states. And then buying really expensive things at the drop of a hat just because we can :)
Those are the movie moments.
I think of lying across Hubbie and staring up at him, and this I struggle to think of in fear of tears trickling down my face, because I miss that so much. Yes I have that still, but I want it every day, not just end of day when we're all over the routine and work of life, tired and crap.
So that's why I've got to focus and push past the writer's block. Because I want it all. I can have it all, I know I can.
"Me, I want what's coming to me. The world Chico, and everything in it." - Tony Montana, Scarface.
Like I've previously blogged, many many posts ago, it felt not only weird to be back at work today but also depressing. I know the first day back is always difficult, and it takes a while to get back into the everyday routine.
But I've had such a good time while on leave with Hubbie. Not just good, but great, brilliant, fantastic, fun, every wonderful and heart-warming, good times-explosive word you can imagine.
And it's not even like we went away very far, or for very long. Yes, we went away for a few nights for my birthday, with the rest of the time spent furniture/home furnishing shopping, whilst drinking coffees, going out to brunches and dinners, and going out heaps with our family and friends, with a good dose of drinking and partying to make things that extra bit awesome.
Having the time off with Hubbie was absolute bliss. We haven't had this much time off together since our honeymoon. And it was tooooooo good. Which is why I felt so depressed this morning.
Things did seem a bit weird, a bit off around the office this morning, however I can't quite put my finger on what the changes are, because everything looks the same. Except for the printer, that is different.
Again, in light of these strong feelings, my resolve to write and be my own boss is stronger than ever. Although I had a bit of writers block last week (is it writer's block when you can't find ideas, or you can't find the right words? Maybe both) I know I need to finish this story (I've finished chapter 9) and after finishing it, keep ON writing to develop more books, as not writing would be like killing these characters off in my head. And they definitely have a story that needs to be heard.
Also, coming back to work to learn that once again
hey you! yes you! you are going to be in charge again while your boss is away! YAY!
is not exactly love inducing. I wanted to come back to work and have it be all cruisy because I'm still in freaking holiday mode. I have my brother-in-law's birthday tonight, my bestie Blonde is visiting again from the U.S, and I want to ease into this thing. But no. Work has other plans doesn't it. And not only that, but people have to snap at me too, don't they, just for fucking asking questions and doing my job as opposed to slacking off and counting down the seconds like the complete idiotic incompetent wankers that they are (ahem, cough* no-show boy).
So, here I sit, breathing deeply, and thinking of my book. Of my success. How all this bullshit is going to make it so much more worth it one day.
I think back to brunch with my friends yesterday. Talking to Red about her engagement plans on the busy street sidewalk, while Blonde and our other friends wave at us through the shop window, pointing at bags and accessories. I think of Blonde walking up to us and enveloping us in a big group hug.
I think of Hubbie. My everything. I think of us walking around in random circles in over-commercialised shopping centres, drinking expensive coffee and getting excited about practically everything, all the while trying to focus on buying things for the home while getting constantly sidetracked from our over-hyped, caffeine-induced states. And then buying really expensive things at the drop of a hat just because we can :)
Those are the movie moments.
I think of lying across Hubbie and staring up at him, and this I struggle to think of in fear of tears trickling down my face, because I miss that so much. Yes I have that still, but I want it every day, not just end of day when we're all over the routine and work of life, tired and crap.
So that's why I've got to focus and push past the writer's block. Because I want it all. I can have it all, I know I can.
"Me, I want what's coming to me. The world Chico, and everything in it." - Tony Montana, Scarface.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Engagements and Weddings are coming out of my ar - .... ahem, behind
I couldn't sleep last night, lying in bed for a whole 2 hours after turning off the lights. It may have been the two coffees I had yesterday, or the fact that I slept in because we had a massive Saturday night.
Or it could have been because I was counting all the upcoming engagements and weddings we have coming up.
It's all very exciting, I must admit. In the past when we've had weddings/engagements galore, it's generally been more of Hubbie's extended family, and so although we've enjoy ourselves like we always do at parties and stuff, it is nothing compared to when you are supertight with the people there.
A month ago a close friend called to tell me she's engaged, and only a week ago Red called on her return from a holiday with Mr Wine to tell me he'd proposed. I was screaming into the phone and trying to hold back tears of happiness. SOooooooooooooooo happy :-D :-D :-D
Last night Hubbie and I were on the couch, when his best mate started messaging him. Turns out his wife's bro is getting married, and the girl is also extended family from Hubbie's side. We know the couple from both ends! That is also super-duper exciting, as we get along really well with Hubbie's best mate and wife, and we can't wait to party it up with them at the wedding.
So last night instead of counting sheep, I was counting all the weddings and engagements we have coming up. Here it is:
Red's engagement in September
My other friend's engagement in October
Definite wedding in late October - friend from school.
Those are the definites. The maybe's:
Hubbie's best mates wifes bro - maybe engagement this year
Another family member on Hubbie's side - maybe wedding later this year
Then I have 2 cousins, both who are getting married, but I don't know when = 2* possible weddings later this year.
THEN:
Next May is definitely my other friend's wedding.
Red is thinking early 2013 for her wedding.
And of course any maybe's that didn't follow through this year, including Hubbie's best mates wife's bro who will most likely get married in the following year.
Phew! So many maybe's it's doing my head in,. What I do know is there are going to be a lot of engagements and weddings in the next couple of years. Who am I kidding, when the engagements and weddings stop, the christenings and 1st birthdays begin........
:-D
Or it could have been because I was counting all the upcoming engagements and weddings we have coming up.
It's all very exciting, I must admit. In the past when we've had weddings/engagements galore, it's generally been more of Hubbie's extended family, and so although we've enjoy ourselves like we always do at parties and stuff, it is nothing compared to when you are supertight with the people there.
A month ago a close friend called to tell me she's engaged, and only a week ago Red called on her return from a holiday with Mr Wine to tell me he'd proposed. I was screaming into the phone and trying to hold back tears of happiness. SOooooooooooooooo happy :-D :-D :-D
Last night Hubbie and I were on the couch, when his best mate started messaging him. Turns out his wife's bro is getting married, and the girl is also extended family from Hubbie's side. We know the couple from both ends! That is also super-duper exciting, as we get along really well with Hubbie's best mate and wife, and we can't wait to party it up with them at the wedding.
So last night instead of counting sheep, I was counting all the weddings and engagements we have coming up. Here it is:
Red's engagement in September
My other friend's engagement in October
Definite wedding in late October - friend from school.
Those are the definites. The maybe's:
Hubbie's best mates wifes bro - maybe engagement this year
Another family member on Hubbie's side - maybe wedding later this year
Then I have 2 cousins, both who are getting married, but I don't know when = 2* possible weddings later this year.
THEN:
Next May is definitely my other friend's wedding.
Red is thinking early 2013 for her wedding.
And of course any maybe's that didn't follow through this year, including Hubbie's best mates wife's bro who will most likely get married in the following year.
Phew! So many maybe's it's doing my head in,. What I do know is there are going to be a lot of engagements and weddings in the next couple of years. Who am I kidding, when the engagements and weddings stop, the christenings and 1st birthdays begin........
:-D
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Year, New Decade
Oh wow. Just as I'm writing this, Hubbie and mine's first song, is on tv. It's our song well and truly, amongst others. This song came out in about July 2000, right before we started going out. 10 years ago. Well 11 now.
How appropriate, that it come on, as I start a post about the last year, last decade, and try to determine what the future holds.
WOW. What memories. I've just been taken back.
So, in the last year, there have been some changes, some growth within my life. Hubbie and I purchased a block of land. We made 1 year of marriage (!) which is a celebration in itself, LOL.
Work wise, I've developed substantially, gradually taking on more and more responsibility in my bosses absences. To the point that my bosses boss, says to me "I want you to keep learning, keep asking questions.... so that you may become like her..... understudy."
Shit. Those are big shoes to fill. I gratefully accept the compliments and the belief in my abilities, as to where it all leads, I guess we'll just have to wait and see:)
Relationship wise: as mentioned Hubbie and I made one year. Which sort of pales in comparison to the 10 years we've already been together, but marriage brings about different challenges that can't be experienced in a partnership where you don't live together. Marriage is wonderful, and it's awesome to be your own bosses: eat what you like, get up and go to sleep whenever. If you're cold, put the heater on! They sound like basic things I know, but don't forget the entertaining, the visitors, the parties, the going out. And with all of that comes massive compromise, and that's why marriage is different. Everything is shared, everything is part of you. His family is mine, and my family is his. There are disagreements, arguments, tears and outbursts. There's a bit of getting used to.
But after all of that? Despite the differences, the opposites in behaviour, the coming together of personalities, we are essentially the same people, and love the same things, and want the same things. That helps SOOO much. And last night, lying in bed, as his arm was outstretched over my body, my free hand on his shoulder as my other hand held the open book to read, I thought of how much I loved him. Despite the differences, despite families, despite EVERYTHING, I thought of how much I love him, how much MORE I love him after 10 years. And that tells me everything. Love grows and feeds off of itself. It develops into something so deep, that trivial crap, and itty-bitty bullshit, just doesn't even gain a speck on its radar. It's beyond anything comprehensible. We have so much of it within us, and when we emit it, it comes back to us two-fold, which is an incredible feeling.
So Hubbie and I are good:)
Family and Friends: Yes and yes, but sometimes no. Reading back on any of my blogs over the last year, you could not say that I have the most positive views on some family members, friends and people I know. But you know what, it's not a perfect world, there are no 'perfect' families and with the amount of differing personalities out there, it's impossible for all of us to get along. Having said that, I've learnt that you need to sometimes turn a blind eye, not look too much into things, and also as I mentioned in my "Christmas Wishes" post, wish the person who upsets you most, well. People who I couldn't stand, who I was extrememly disappointed in and let down by, I now feel differently about. I've accepted them as human, not perfect, and clearly with faults, like you, me and everyone else. I've zoned in on the positive, and really, that works. It's helped me so much, and I believe my negative downward spiral of unhappy family/friend realtionships have actually come to an end. Maybe even with Mouth and Moody. OMG. I know, incredible right?
Other fabulous news-worthy items: collingwood won, I saw George Michael and Hubbie and I holidayed in the sunshine state. There are so many more things, but I wanted this post to be future-oriented, rather than concerned with the past.
Having said that, I must look back on this last decade, just quickly :)
I get a very nervous feeling when I think that, because I know what's coming: this last decade, I went from an unattached 16 going on 17 year-old, to a girl going out with a guy who would later become her husband. How wonderful and weird this world is:) I finished high school, started and finished uni, had about 5 jobs until I found my current full-time one. Got married following a mammoth wedding, travelled through a good portion of Europe, and am now living contently a year and a half later.
So when I think of the next 10 years, the next decade, and wonder what my thoughts will be on the last 10 years, THEN, nervous tension bubbles in the pit of my stomach. I know it will involve a new home, expansion of family, friends getting married, and more kids, EVERYWHERE.
I guess change is always scary. Gosh I feel like crying now. I don't know what it is. Sometimes we're so comfortable where we are, that we don't want to move forward, we want to stay stationary in a moment in time. That's how I felt last night. As I've said quite regularly, I'm in a selfish phase of life. It's all about me, and Hubbie. My Hubbie, my life, my job, my car, my clothes, my friends, my family. Me me me. The thought of that changing freaks me out. I know how much I value myself and my life, and so I know that my attention shifting to something else, is something so foreign and almost unnatural, that I think that is what is really freaking me out. The changing of values, lifestyle.
You know what? I don't think it's good to look too far into the future. It can be scary. You don't know what to expect, and how things will transpire.
Not knowing is terrifying. But again as I say that, I am suddenly reminded of myself at the end of the last decade. Knowing all that I do now, having achieved so much academically, professionally, having a loving husband and wonderful family and friends, on our way to building a home, well! Telling my 16 year old self then, she would have freaked to find out so much! But having lived through it, step by step, it wasn't so scary. Interesting, challenging and life-evolving, that's what it was. It's life, it's growth and it's perfectly natural. You take each day at a time, and see where it leads you.
Which is why we do resolutions for a year ahead. It's less confronting:)
So I'm taking a deep breath and now focusing on the year ahead!
I took a peek at my resolutions from the past year, half cringing because I'd half forgotten them, but having re-read them I was pleasantly surprised:
1. To increase my Vitamin D intake by sitting in the sun more ( I love doing it anyway! ) and eating foods that are rich in the vitamin.
So yes lately especially, I've been in the sun heaps, to the point that Hubbie called me something not so nice as a joke in response to my darkened state. I took it as a compliment:) I have it all worked out: in spring and summer I get natural Vit D from the sun, in autumn/winter I take my Vit D supplements. As for the foods rich in Vit D, I try, when I can, but because the food sources are so scarce, I don't stress myself out over them.
2. To decrease arm fat.
Hmmm. So recently actually, I've started running around with Hubbie as he trains for, plays basketball. I think all the shooting and passing of the ball is helping, however until just recently I was quite slack in the department of decreasing arm fat, I didn't really do much. I'm hoping the new year will change that. Look, I don't have a fat arm problem, but I strive for perfection, as dangeous as that pursuit is.
3. To generally get more toned, in particular to target my tummy and reduce the fat there.
As per above comments. I haven't done much exercise to target that, but all the housework and busy lifestyle have helped me, somehow. Which is great.
4. To read more.
So this I have done more of. And I continue to do more of, given my upcoming 2011 resolutions. Read on.
2011 Resolutions
1. To read, HEAPS more. In fact, I want to set up some sort of column/box within my blogger page, so that I can list the books I wanna read and then so to speak 'tick' them off when I do. Seeing it everytime I log into blogger will help me be more aware of it too. I want to read more to help my writing as well (see below resolution), as I want to be more aware of different writing styles, different authors, different stories. I want to know so much, the need to read and research is so great within me right now.
2. To complete my first book by the end of the year. By complete I mean finish writing to my satisfactory standard, so that I can start promoting it to agents, or however it goes. As nervous as I get when I think of it, I think it is a realistic goal. One story, one year. I'm sure some would think I've given myself too much time even, however what I want to do is start something big, and I need the proper research, planning and education to get it right off the bat, so that when I continue with my following books, it all flows perfectly and effortlessly.
3. To get fit. Whether it's playing basketball with Hubbie, taking on yoga, or just getting into long walks/runs, I really want to make it a part of my life. I make health-oriented goals each year, and I know that with some of them, I do somewhat succeed, but others are just a waste of written space. I don't want that to be the case this year. I really want to make an effort of it. And seeing myself in my mind, with the body I want, is motivation enough.
4. To improve all my relationships, full-stop. To not sweat the small stuff, which will be assisted by the Richard Carlson "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" daily calendar Red bought me for chrissy. To relax, not worry, see the postive in everyone and all things. To wish the people that annoy me, well, and MEAN it.
5. To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development. To keep reading books on bettering myself and my life, and to continue striving toward my dreams.
6. To enjoy life. Just the other day I said to Hubbie, "I want to enjoy our city; go out for coffee, walk through parks, just go out." It doesn't have to break the bank. Often the simplest things are the most rewarding. Taking a walk along the beach; eating an ice cream; sitting on a park bench. I want to observe, absorb, feel and create. I want to feel the sun on my face, be a part of life, experience all that is to offer. I want to live every day of my life. Because that's what we're here to do.
So, those are my dreams for the coming year. And being in the frame of mind that I am, I think I will do quite well (just between you and me:))
Remember: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Happy new year, Happy New Decade :-D
How appropriate, that it come on, as I start a post about the last year, last decade, and try to determine what the future holds.
WOW. What memories. I've just been taken back.
So, in the last year, there have been some changes, some growth within my life. Hubbie and I purchased a block of land. We made 1 year of marriage (!) which is a celebration in itself, LOL.
Work wise, I've developed substantially, gradually taking on more and more responsibility in my bosses absences. To the point that my bosses boss, says to me "I want you to keep learning, keep asking questions.... so that you may become like her..... understudy."
Shit. Those are big shoes to fill. I gratefully accept the compliments and the belief in my abilities, as to where it all leads, I guess we'll just have to wait and see:)
Relationship wise: as mentioned Hubbie and I made one year. Which sort of pales in comparison to the 10 years we've already been together, but marriage brings about different challenges that can't be experienced in a partnership where you don't live together. Marriage is wonderful, and it's awesome to be your own bosses: eat what you like, get up and go to sleep whenever. If you're cold, put the heater on! They sound like basic things I know, but don't forget the entertaining, the visitors, the parties, the going out. And with all of that comes massive compromise, and that's why marriage is different. Everything is shared, everything is part of you. His family is mine, and my family is his. There are disagreements, arguments, tears and outbursts. There's a bit of getting used to.
But after all of that? Despite the differences, the opposites in behaviour, the coming together of personalities, we are essentially the same people, and love the same things, and want the same things. That helps SOOO much. And last night, lying in bed, as his arm was outstretched over my body, my free hand on his shoulder as my other hand held the open book to read, I thought of how much I loved him. Despite the differences, despite families, despite EVERYTHING, I thought of how much I love him, how much MORE I love him after 10 years. And that tells me everything. Love grows and feeds off of itself. It develops into something so deep, that trivial crap, and itty-bitty bullshit, just doesn't even gain a speck on its radar. It's beyond anything comprehensible. We have so much of it within us, and when we emit it, it comes back to us two-fold, which is an incredible feeling.
So Hubbie and I are good:)
Family and Friends: Yes and yes, but sometimes no. Reading back on any of my blogs over the last year, you could not say that I have the most positive views on some family members, friends and people I know. But you know what, it's not a perfect world, there are no 'perfect' families and with the amount of differing personalities out there, it's impossible for all of us to get along. Having said that, I've learnt that you need to sometimes turn a blind eye, not look too much into things, and also as I mentioned in my "Christmas Wishes" post, wish the person who upsets you most, well. People who I couldn't stand, who I was extrememly disappointed in and let down by, I now feel differently about. I've accepted them as human, not perfect, and clearly with faults, like you, me and everyone else. I've zoned in on the positive, and really, that works. It's helped me so much, and I believe my negative downward spiral of unhappy family/friend realtionships have actually come to an end. Maybe even with Mouth and Moody. OMG. I know, incredible right?
Other fabulous news-worthy items: collingwood won, I saw George Michael and Hubbie and I holidayed in the sunshine state. There are so many more things, but I wanted this post to be future-oriented, rather than concerned with the past.
Having said that, I must look back on this last decade, just quickly :)
I get a very nervous feeling when I think that, because I know what's coming: this last decade, I went from an unattached 16 going on 17 year-old, to a girl going out with a guy who would later become her husband. How wonderful and weird this world is:) I finished high school, started and finished uni, had about 5 jobs until I found my current full-time one. Got married following a mammoth wedding, travelled through a good portion of Europe, and am now living contently a year and a half later.
So when I think of the next 10 years, the next decade, and wonder what my thoughts will be on the last 10 years, THEN, nervous tension bubbles in the pit of my stomach. I know it will involve a new home, expansion of family, friends getting married, and more kids, EVERYWHERE.
I guess change is always scary. Gosh I feel like crying now. I don't know what it is. Sometimes we're so comfortable where we are, that we don't want to move forward, we want to stay stationary in a moment in time. That's how I felt last night. As I've said quite regularly, I'm in a selfish phase of life. It's all about me, and Hubbie. My Hubbie, my life, my job, my car, my clothes, my friends, my family. Me me me. The thought of that changing freaks me out. I know how much I value myself and my life, and so I know that my attention shifting to something else, is something so foreign and almost unnatural, that I think that is what is really freaking me out. The changing of values, lifestyle.
You know what? I don't think it's good to look too far into the future. It can be scary. You don't know what to expect, and how things will transpire.
Not knowing is terrifying. But again as I say that, I am suddenly reminded of myself at the end of the last decade. Knowing all that I do now, having achieved so much academically, professionally, having a loving husband and wonderful family and friends, on our way to building a home, well! Telling my 16 year old self then, she would have freaked to find out so much! But having lived through it, step by step, it wasn't so scary. Interesting, challenging and life-evolving, that's what it was. It's life, it's growth and it's perfectly natural. You take each day at a time, and see where it leads you.
Which is why we do resolutions for a year ahead. It's less confronting:)
So I'm taking a deep breath and now focusing on the year ahead!
I took a peek at my resolutions from the past year, half cringing because I'd half forgotten them, but having re-read them I was pleasantly surprised:
1. To increase my Vitamin D intake by sitting in the sun more ( I love doing it anyway! ) and eating foods that are rich in the vitamin.
So yes lately especially, I've been in the sun heaps, to the point that Hubbie called me something not so nice as a joke in response to my darkened state. I took it as a compliment:) I have it all worked out: in spring and summer I get natural Vit D from the sun, in autumn/winter I take my Vit D supplements. As for the foods rich in Vit D, I try, when I can, but because the food sources are so scarce, I don't stress myself out over them.
2. To decrease arm fat.
Hmmm. So recently actually, I've started running around with Hubbie as he trains for, plays basketball. I think all the shooting and passing of the ball is helping, however until just recently I was quite slack in the department of decreasing arm fat, I didn't really do much. I'm hoping the new year will change that. Look, I don't have a fat arm problem, but I strive for perfection, as dangeous as that pursuit is.
3. To generally get more toned, in particular to target my tummy and reduce the fat there.
As per above comments. I haven't done much exercise to target that, but all the housework and busy lifestyle have helped me, somehow. Which is great.
4. To read more.
So this I have done more of. And I continue to do more of, given my upcoming 2011 resolutions. Read on.
2011 Resolutions
1. To read, HEAPS more. In fact, I want to set up some sort of column/box within my blogger page, so that I can list the books I wanna read and then so to speak 'tick' them off when I do. Seeing it everytime I log into blogger will help me be more aware of it too. I want to read more to help my writing as well (see below resolution), as I want to be more aware of different writing styles, different authors, different stories. I want to know so much, the need to read and research is so great within me right now.
2. To complete my first book by the end of the year. By complete I mean finish writing to my satisfactory standard, so that I can start promoting it to agents, or however it goes. As nervous as I get when I think of it, I think it is a realistic goal. One story, one year. I'm sure some would think I've given myself too much time even, however what I want to do is start something big, and I need the proper research, planning and education to get it right off the bat, so that when I continue with my following books, it all flows perfectly and effortlessly.
3. To get fit. Whether it's playing basketball with Hubbie, taking on yoga, or just getting into long walks/runs, I really want to make it a part of my life. I make health-oriented goals each year, and I know that with some of them, I do somewhat succeed, but others are just a waste of written space. I don't want that to be the case this year. I really want to make an effort of it. And seeing myself in my mind, with the body I want, is motivation enough.
4. To improve all my relationships, full-stop. To not sweat the small stuff, which will be assisted by the Richard Carlson "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" daily calendar Red bought me for chrissy. To relax, not worry, see the postive in everyone and all things. To wish the people that annoy me, well, and MEAN it.
5. To continue on my path of spiritual growth and self-development. To keep reading books on bettering myself and my life, and to continue striving toward my dreams.
6. To enjoy life. Just the other day I said to Hubbie, "I want to enjoy our city; go out for coffee, walk through parks, just go out." It doesn't have to break the bank. Often the simplest things are the most rewarding. Taking a walk along the beach; eating an ice cream; sitting on a park bench. I want to observe, absorb, feel and create. I want to feel the sun on my face, be a part of life, experience all that is to offer. I want to live every day of my life. Because that's what we're here to do.
So, those are my dreams for the coming year. And being in the frame of mind that I am, I think I will do quite well (just between you and me:))
Remember: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Happy new year, Happy New Decade :-D
Monday, November 15, 2010
Random Quote #4
Let's set the scene:
My house, a few Sundays ago, approx. 4pm.
The WHOLE family is over (the prequel to my "drunk" post).
3 female family members are helping wash the dishes. They are huddled together. I sneakily poke my head in.
"What are you talking about?" I ask mischieviously.
My blonde family member speaks up without a hint of hesitation, or inhibition.
"Licking, sucking, the clitoris....."
Laughter ensues from all of them. I raise my eyebrows. "Okaaaayyy, well I need to wash the dishes a bit more often."
My house, a few Sundays ago, approx. 4pm.
The WHOLE family is over (the prequel to my "drunk" post).
3 female family members are helping wash the dishes. They are huddled together. I sneakily poke my head in.
"What are you talking about?" I ask mischieviously.
My blonde family member speaks up without a hint of hesitation, or inhibition.
"Licking, sucking, the clitoris....."
Laughter ensues from all of them. I raise my eyebrows. "Okaaaayyy, well I need to wash the dishes a bit more often."
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Bubble and Squeak
Bubble and squeak is a term I came across a few months back, when browsing through some recipe books. As arrogant as this next bit might make me sound, to my surprise (and slight disgust) I discovered it was a term, rather a recipe whereby you used leftover vegies from another meal to make a 'new' meal, perhaps using eggs or something similar to combine it all together.
I think I was more disgusted at the name given to the recipe, rather than the ingredients used or the recycling of the food itself. No one eats leftovers more than Hubbie and I, so I can't say 'boo' to re-using food at all. But the name, bubble and squeak....... I don't know, what about the recipe, inspired the name Bubble and Squeak? What, about the food, makes it bubble.... and squeak...? Shudder at the thought.
However, this odd food terminology has sprung to mind in thinking about what indeed I should write about. So many odd, random, good and bad things have occurred of late, that I don't really know what to focus my writing attention on.
And this is how bubble and squeak came to mind. Apparently, the bubble and squeak is all the things that have happened lately, and the egg jelling it all together is my life.
Egg is my life. LOL.
And so the following minor stories, observations and episodic details of my life may come at you rather randomly, much like pieces of day-old carrot and peas in a mouthful of distastefully named 'bubble and squeak.'
(I'm only guessing at how it may taste). All this in an effort to bring you up to speed on my life, and also to bring me up to speed in my own life and help me to review it in progress, in what is herein going to be referred to as the 'bubble and squeak' post.
So be warned. I have NOT been taking notes.
When it comes to the good, versus the bad, unfortunately it's the bad that first springs to mind. However that only means that I have all good to end with :)
Mouth absolutely boiled me to my core, once again, on a few occasions. It becomes very hard when you have to deal with a person such as this. Even harder when it's someone in the family who you just can't avoid, unless of course you disown them, which I couldn't do without hurting many people I care about.
I get into this cycle with her. She shits me up the wall > I get upset, broody and moody and keep it all in trying to work it out in my head > it culminates in me practically exploding to Hubbie in anger and tears > after 3 days of wallowing we work out that A) I need to partially ignore her, and B) actually speak my mind and tell her when she is annoying me, in order to avoid the fantasy fights I create of her and I later on in my mind, that eventually drive me crraaaaazzzzzyyyyyyy.
So although we have danced this exact dance many times, I actually need to put the mentioned A and B acts to practice, and follow through. Otherwise nothing will ever change. Only my attitude in how to deal with her will actually change anything for me, because as we all know, an old dog will not learn any new tricks.
Lately I have been sick. Last Thursday, I barely made it into work, the only motivators being that my boss was away and I had extra stuff to do, and also, it was my last day before 3 days off. I made it in, barely could keep myself sitting straight up at my desk just long enough to do what I had to do, and left half way through the day. It was just so unbearable. Not only had I gone through a very sleepless and interrupted nights sleep, waking up what seemed like a zillion times and saying to myself "get up it's time to go to work," when in fact I still had hours to sleep, but my muscles were absolutely aching in agony. I was sooooo sore, every part of me hurt, which made me just want to curl up on my couch at home and sleep. Which I ended up doing.
It was the culmination of what had been a huge October. I don't know who else received it, but I got it a few times, both via sms and email, the chain letter about this recent October having 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays? Yes and then it annoyingly tells you you must keep it going, according to the far-reaching distant natives of the land Makirouchidoo or some other tribal sounding country in order to keep the luck going, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE. Well it might as well say that, with all the suggestive terminology making you want to send it or else meet some horrible fate. And so I did send it, and due to sending it several times during the month, it occurred to me that hey, this has been a LONG month.
And then I reminisced.
The month began with that awesome grand final win in which the Mighty Magpies brought the cup home! Finally! That had been a big weekend.
We had had my friends over, my close group, which in total added up to 8 of us, for dinner. That was a big night. There was food, there was drink, there were MANY cupcakes. And it was an awesome night.
We had ALL my cousins over. Yes, that drunk post, that was the aftermath. Needless to say I got a little-iddy-bit tipsydrunk, therefore placing the indicator of party success at HIGH.
In between we had side nights (of which I mean people over but not huge to the point of party-status-phere) where my sister came over, and Hubbie's friends. We had a wedding, we had people arriving at the airport from overseas trips. And then the month ended with Hubbie's big birthday bash, where once again we proved we could throw awesome parties and still have fun while doing all the work:)
I think I wore myself out to the disgusting point where 5 days after the last October party, my body started to shut down. It said "screw you, I'm taking leave," leaving the rest of me pathetically screaming "No! Come back damn you!"
And so the muscle aches set in, only after the sore throat and intense sneezing commenced. The flu symptoms were persistent again in days 2 and 3, where again I felt intense fatigue (due to my body running away no doubt) and cleaning the house probably didn't help me much, but hey what else was I supposed to do at home? Yeah I know I know, I could've sat in front of the telly all day. But that would have worked against my whole effective/efficient habit that I haven't been able to kick for the past 9 years.
And so today, a week after my first flu symptoms popped up, I'm still left with a consistent, grating, unrelenting cough. It is really so inconvenient. It's gone from worse, after the weekend of drinking champagne and other home-made apparently 'healing' concoctions, to just annoying now, where I still have to cough every so often - cough cough cough - excuse me, unlike this morning where I felt like I was just hacking up flem.
So all in all, it's getting better.
There was also this little moment late last week, a predecessor before the whole 'sick' thing started.... I had this interesting moment at work with a fellow colleague of mine, that totally bew me out of the water, catching me off guard completely. And it was all to do with cake.
All over some bloody cake.
In true Miss S form, I had decided to bring in to work leftover cake from Hubbie's birthday. I knew there were a few people, who would REALLY appreciate the free cake and all, and having had a huge month that was filled with way too much cakes and cupcakes and just everything sweet, early on I decided that getting rid of the mass amount we still had from Hubbie's birthday would be the right way to go.
And so in I brought it. And as I was finishing off my early shift that day, I happened across a work colleague of mine, who we shall call Kitty. Hmmm :)
She was just starting her shift, and so my intention was to let her know of the few leftover cakes there were near my desk, so she could spread the word to our other fellow workers starting later on that day as well.
As soon as I started the words "Kitty, just so you know there's some cakes over th-"
"No! Don't talk to me about cake!"
And so it began. In a very direct, firm way, she told me:
1. that she was not going to eat any cake
2. people in our work area should not be encouraged to eat cake
3. she wouldn't be responsible for making people eat cake ..............AND
4. if cake was left over, she ALSO wouldn't be responsible for getting rid of it.
What the?! All I mentioned was cake. I was a bit stunned, a bit miffed, and seeing as my sneezing had been accelerating that day, more than sensitive enough, so I was hurt. I felt like she was attacking me, personally, just for bringing in cake.
And all I was doing was trying to be nice. It was about then that another fellow colleague arrived, and I told him quite matter-of-factly that there was cake and that at least HE would appreciate it. I sort of ended the conversation by walking off, without a real proper goodbye to her.
I was really hurt by it all. I pondered it on the way home. I know she had been trying to lose a bit of excess weight that she had gained over the past year (not that she was overweight). I thought of other times that I had brought in cake, and asked myself if I had been pushy in getting people to eat the cake in order to rid myself of it. I wasn't quite sure, but I knew that then, in that moment and in that day, I had merely mentioned it, before getting a barrage of cake-hate spewing out at me.
I spoke to Hubbie about it that night, and even he thought the remarks I'd received were unwarranted and odd. I guess I felt a bit worse, as it's always a little sad when someone you normally like and get along with gives you grief. You wonder 'why' and think of where you have gone wrong. I did just that, and only ended up making myself feel MORE sadder...
Anyways, the next day, arriving at work, I saw an email from her titled 'cakes...'
Part of me had been expecting an email addressing the whole cake issue, so I was not surprised.
Miss S,
Below an email generated in an effort to try to make up for my not wanting cake comments - which came out much harsher than I meant. So sorry about that - I know it's meant in the kindest spirit....
So if they guys don't eat them - I can't say I didn't try!
Kitty
OMG. I always knew the power of Miss S was huge. I've worked in customer service and have gotten a rotten customer to apologise to me for her bitchiness without even trying. I've had my Dad, one of the most stubborn of people, say sorry to me. And he doesn't say sorry or admit to his failures. EVER. I remember Pez, my ex-best friend, calling me up and crying over the phone, saying sorry to just hanging up on me after a stupid fight.
And now this. A woman 10 years my senior, with tonnes more life and work experience, sending me an email to apologise for yelling at me about cakes. (ok not yelling but it sounds better than just 'being firm')
I'm sorry but WOAH. That's big. Of her. To be sorry is one thing, bu to say it out loud to the person you upset in the first place, is a totally different, very rare thing. So I totally applaud her for that.
Following her email to me was the message she had sent to the rest of our department, letting them know, in so many words "cake is here..... eat or else!" So she helped me with my cake distribution, and that, along with admitting her overzealousness in cake-hating, means we are now friends again:)
I have been good in the pursuit of writing my story. I find that when I just start to jot down and write random plot ideas, character traits and story outlines that I am further inspired and motivated to do more research and develop my dream of writing professionally even more. A few nights I have found myself just doodling quite casually, and the following day I find I have the characters and the potential things they could get up to just running around and around in my head. I'm happy with the fact that it stays in my head, because it's sort of confirmation that what I'm thinking is not only interesting, but addictive and worthy, because if it weren't so, I tell ya it wouldn't last long in my over-imaginative mind. I still plan on eventually (whenever I actually finish my first book, after the actuality of beginning to write it) getting Hubbie, Sis and Red to read it and to tell me what their honest, honest, honest opinions on it are. I will ask them to be brutal, and then I think I will run away and hide. Something about getting someone so close to you to critique your work, actually fills me with a sick, sick feeling, and no not the kind that is cough-inducing. More the type that will churn your stomach contents and force them in a vertical motion. Hell, even when I see that people have read my blog, I freak out slightly, and that's people I don't know, with no critical response whatsoever!
But baby steps. All little baby steps. All in the right direction.
Speaking of baby steps. Had a massive, major, incredible !!lightbulb!! moment a few nights ago with Hubbie, Sis and her Hub. It is actually so incredible and major, that if this thing were to eventuate, it could change all of our lives, I believe MAJORLY. But because it is so big, we aren't actually letting people know of our "idea" until hopefully the day that it is fully under way and in full practice. No, sorry I can't even let my imaginary blogger-verse know about it. All off-limits. But I just had to say, it is AMAZING. Funny how something can be under your nose, in your face for so many years, and you just don't know that the opportunity has been staring you in the face the whole time. I think that is called TIMING.
And in more recent fantastic news, I have been shopping. Ahhhhh, how sweet the pursuit of clothes via monetary means and the accumulation of said-clothes can be.
Sweeeetttt.
Yesterday I purchased a very fine jacket. It was during some morning-afternoon shopping before my work shift, and Hubbie and I had just had enough. We were talking about clothes we had, clothes we usually went for, and the clothes that we should go for.
And we made a deal. No longer were we going to go for the safe, normal option. We weren't going to just buy, in my case, more plain tops, black dresses and ballet shoes, or in his case, more chequered shirts and blue polo tops. We were gonna go a bit wild, edgy, and start playing it up. We had decided, and we were sick of it!
Gosh just thinking of our new-found pact, and of all the clothes I could have if I had become shopping-smarter, sooner, just gives me even more AMMO to shop. You see, by always going for the 'safe' shopping option, you end up with a wardrobe that is not only identical, but that lacks creativity. By choosing items of clothing that will go the distance over the coming seasons, you end up lacking the current individuality that you so deserve.
Pieces of clothing can be wild and outrageous, and go the distance, if chosen correctly. I think of the alternative style of dwellers living in the edgy parts of outer-city Melbourne, and I highly doubt that they purchase with the aim of getting the most years out of their clothes, yet they still manage to do so. And still look good in seasons to come. Certainly I don't plan on moving to those suburbs, but the thought of a wild, indy-style wardrobe, with 50s style dresses, hippie skirts, bright colours and edgy alternative cuts of clothing, is greatly appealing to me right now. And what excites me more than anything (perhaps level with the accumulation of clothes though!) is the idea that if it is different, we will not look at the price of an item, we will just buy it.
Let's put that in simpler terms. If something is different = BUY!$!$!
I know! How incredibly monetar-ily free-ing is that idea! Of buying whatever as long as it's DIFFERENT! And Hubbie came up with that idea too. I know I married him for a reason :-D
It's not so easy just to want to do something. You have to also delete all the pre-wired talk in your mind, reset your shopping habits and think outside the square if you're going to start doing things differently. For example this morning, when Hubbie and I were shopping (yet again, we're on a roll) at before-mentioned outer-city suburb, I was in this full bohemian-hippy shop, which had A LOT of dresses. I came across a black and white one with a lot of ruffles near the neck line. It is a gorgeous dress, not too extreme, but even so, when I tried it on, I loved it but was still going "oh, I don't know, it has A LOT of ruffles at the front!"
You see, the old Miss S would have said "those ruffles won't help me move from season to season, year to year." But the new one, asked Hubbie for confidence, pushed through the doubt and went "you know what? I look great in this! I'll buy it!"
Now that I'm thinking differently about my clothes shopping selections and habits, I feel as if I'm a slightly different person, like I'm looking at life all differently. I can even imagine myself in one of the two dresses I bought today, (!) wearing a huge oversized straw hat and swinging from a hammock, with the current song "Something in the Water," playing in the background. Weird. I don't even own a hammock.
It's just inspiring, and so good to know, that not only with clothes, but all decisions in life, all paths taken, roads chosen, any change of direction is just a mind-set away. If you want to make the change, you can, and WILL. It's so easy. You just say "I'm going to look for a new job," "I'm getting a totally new haircut," or in my case "I'm changing my clothing style." It is so uninhibiting to realise you can do whatever you want to in life. As long as you want to.
Now that I've given you my daily awe-inspiring motivational life-quote, concluding tonights mammoth blog post (it started at work and is now ending after midnight at home) I will leave you with this thought for the night:
Everyone knows what eggs are. Eggs are eggs. But what you do with your egg will make a difference. Will you boil, poach or fry? Will you add spices and bacon, spinach and cheese, or place it on toast? What about the quality of your egg? Will it be free-range and wholesome? Grain-fed?
What you make of your very ordinary-seeming egg, will make the rest of your morning. Just as your decisions, will make your seemingly ordinary life, extraordinary.
(Definition to metaphor provided for clarity and due to lateness of post)
I think I was more disgusted at the name given to the recipe, rather than the ingredients used or the recycling of the food itself. No one eats leftovers more than Hubbie and I, so I can't say 'boo' to re-using food at all. But the name, bubble and squeak....... I don't know, what about the recipe, inspired the name Bubble and Squeak? What, about the food, makes it bubble.... and squeak...? Shudder at the thought.
However, this odd food terminology has sprung to mind in thinking about what indeed I should write about. So many odd, random, good and bad things have occurred of late, that I don't really know what to focus my writing attention on.
And this is how bubble and squeak came to mind. Apparently, the bubble and squeak is all the things that have happened lately, and the egg jelling it all together is my life.
Egg is my life. LOL.
And so the following minor stories, observations and episodic details of my life may come at you rather randomly, much like pieces of day-old carrot and peas in a mouthful of distastefully named 'bubble and squeak.'
(I'm only guessing at how it may taste). All this in an effort to bring you up to speed on my life, and also to bring me up to speed in my own life and help me to review it in progress, in what is herein going to be referred to as the 'bubble and squeak' post.
So be warned. I have NOT been taking notes.
When it comes to the good, versus the bad, unfortunately it's the bad that first springs to mind. However that only means that I have all good to end with :)
Mouth absolutely boiled me to my core, once again, on a few occasions. It becomes very hard when you have to deal with a person such as this. Even harder when it's someone in the family who you just can't avoid, unless of course you disown them, which I couldn't do without hurting many people I care about.
I get into this cycle with her. She shits me up the wall > I get upset, broody and moody and keep it all in trying to work it out in my head > it culminates in me practically exploding to Hubbie in anger and tears > after 3 days of wallowing we work out that A) I need to partially ignore her, and B) actually speak my mind and tell her when she is annoying me, in order to avoid the fantasy fights I create of her and I later on in my mind, that eventually drive me crraaaaazzzzzyyyyyyy.
So although we have danced this exact dance many times, I actually need to put the mentioned A and B acts to practice, and follow through. Otherwise nothing will ever change. Only my attitude in how to deal with her will actually change anything for me, because as we all know, an old dog will not learn any new tricks.
Lately I have been sick. Last Thursday, I barely made it into work, the only motivators being that my boss was away and I had extra stuff to do, and also, it was my last day before 3 days off. I made it in, barely could keep myself sitting straight up at my desk just long enough to do what I had to do, and left half way through the day. It was just so unbearable. Not only had I gone through a very sleepless and interrupted nights sleep, waking up what seemed like a zillion times and saying to myself "get up it's time to go to work," when in fact I still had hours to sleep, but my muscles were absolutely aching in agony. I was sooooo sore, every part of me hurt, which made me just want to curl up on my couch at home and sleep. Which I ended up doing.
It was the culmination of what had been a huge October. I don't know who else received it, but I got it a few times, both via sms and email, the chain letter about this recent October having 5 Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays? Yes and then it annoyingly tells you you must keep it going, according to the far-reaching distant natives of the land Makirouchidoo or some other tribal sounding country in order to keep the luck going, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE. Well it might as well say that, with all the suggestive terminology making you want to send it or else meet some horrible fate. And so I did send it, and due to sending it several times during the month, it occurred to me that hey, this has been a LONG month.
And then I reminisced.
The month began with that awesome grand final win in which the Mighty Magpies brought the cup home! Finally! That had been a big weekend.
We had had my friends over, my close group, which in total added up to 8 of us, for dinner. That was a big night. There was food, there was drink, there were MANY cupcakes. And it was an awesome night.
We had ALL my cousins over. Yes, that drunk post, that was the aftermath. Needless to say I got a little-iddy-bit tipsydrunk, therefore placing the indicator of party success at HIGH.
In between we had side nights (of which I mean people over but not huge to the point of party-status-phere) where my sister came over, and Hubbie's friends. We had a wedding, we had people arriving at the airport from overseas trips. And then the month ended with Hubbie's big birthday bash, where once again we proved we could throw awesome parties and still have fun while doing all the work:)
I think I wore myself out to the disgusting point where 5 days after the last October party, my body started to shut down. It said "screw you, I'm taking leave," leaving the rest of me pathetically screaming "No! Come back damn you!"
And so the muscle aches set in, only after the sore throat and intense sneezing commenced. The flu symptoms were persistent again in days 2 and 3, where again I felt intense fatigue (due to my body running away no doubt) and cleaning the house probably didn't help me much, but hey what else was I supposed to do at home? Yeah I know I know, I could've sat in front of the telly all day. But that would have worked against my whole effective/efficient habit that I haven't been able to kick for the past 9 years.
And so today, a week after my first flu symptoms popped up, I'm still left with a consistent, grating, unrelenting cough. It is really so inconvenient. It's gone from worse, after the weekend of drinking champagne and other home-made apparently 'healing' concoctions, to just annoying now, where I still have to cough every so often - cough cough cough - excuse me, unlike this morning where I felt like I was just hacking up flem.
So all in all, it's getting better.
There was also this little moment late last week, a predecessor before the whole 'sick' thing started.... I had this interesting moment at work with a fellow colleague of mine, that totally bew me out of the water, catching me off guard completely. And it was all to do with cake.
All over some bloody cake.
In true Miss S form, I had decided to bring in to work leftover cake from Hubbie's birthday. I knew there were a few people, who would REALLY appreciate the free cake and all, and having had a huge month that was filled with way too much cakes and cupcakes and just everything sweet, early on I decided that getting rid of the mass amount we still had from Hubbie's birthday would be the right way to go.
And so in I brought it. And as I was finishing off my early shift that day, I happened across a work colleague of mine, who we shall call Kitty. Hmmm :)
She was just starting her shift, and so my intention was to let her know of the few leftover cakes there were near my desk, so she could spread the word to our other fellow workers starting later on that day as well.
As soon as I started the words "Kitty, just so you know there's some cakes over th-"
"No! Don't talk to me about cake!"
And so it began. In a very direct, firm way, she told me:
1. that she was not going to eat any cake
2. people in our work area should not be encouraged to eat cake
3. she wouldn't be responsible for making people eat cake ..............AND
4. if cake was left over, she ALSO wouldn't be responsible for getting rid of it.
What the?! All I mentioned was cake. I was a bit stunned, a bit miffed, and seeing as my sneezing had been accelerating that day, more than sensitive enough, so I was hurt. I felt like she was attacking me, personally, just for bringing in cake.
And all I was doing was trying to be nice. It was about then that another fellow colleague arrived, and I told him quite matter-of-factly that there was cake and that at least HE would appreciate it. I sort of ended the conversation by walking off, without a real proper goodbye to her.
I was really hurt by it all. I pondered it on the way home. I know she had been trying to lose a bit of excess weight that she had gained over the past year (not that she was overweight). I thought of other times that I had brought in cake, and asked myself if I had been pushy in getting people to eat the cake in order to rid myself of it. I wasn't quite sure, but I knew that then, in that moment and in that day, I had merely mentioned it, before getting a barrage of cake-hate spewing out at me.
I spoke to Hubbie about it that night, and even he thought the remarks I'd received were unwarranted and odd. I guess I felt a bit worse, as it's always a little sad when someone you normally like and get along with gives you grief. You wonder 'why' and think of where you have gone wrong. I did just that, and only ended up making myself feel MORE sadder...
Anyways, the next day, arriving at work, I saw an email from her titled 'cakes...'
Part of me had been expecting an email addressing the whole cake issue, so I was not surprised.
Miss S,
Below an email generated in an effort to try to make up for my not wanting cake comments - which came out much harsher than I meant. So sorry about that - I know it's meant in the kindest spirit....
So if they guys don't eat them - I can't say I didn't try!
Kitty
OMG. I always knew the power of Miss S was huge. I've worked in customer service and have gotten a rotten customer to apologise to me for her bitchiness without even trying. I've had my Dad, one of the most stubborn of people, say sorry to me. And he doesn't say sorry or admit to his failures. EVER. I remember Pez, my ex-best friend, calling me up and crying over the phone, saying sorry to just hanging up on me after a stupid fight.
And now this. A woman 10 years my senior, with tonnes more life and work experience, sending me an email to apologise for yelling at me about cakes. (ok not yelling but it sounds better than just 'being firm')
I'm sorry but WOAH. That's big. Of her. To be sorry is one thing, bu to say it out loud to the person you upset in the first place, is a totally different, very rare thing. So I totally applaud her for that.
Following her email to me was the message she had sent to the rest of our department, letting them know, in so many words "cake is here..... eat or else!" So she helped me with my cake distribution, and that, along with admitting her overzealousness in cake-hating, means we are now friends again:)
I have been good in the pursuit of writing my story. I find that when I just start to jot down and write random plot ideas, character traits and story outlines that I am further inspired and motivated to do more research and develop my dream of writing professionally even more. A few nights I have found myself just doodling quite casually, and the following day I find I have the characters and the potential things they could get up to just running around and around in my head. I'm happy with the fact that it stays in my head, because it's sort of confirmation that what I'm thinking is not only interesting, but addictive and worthy, because if it weren't so, I tell ya it wouldn't last long in my over-imaginative mind. I still plan on eventually (whenever I actually finish my first book, after the actuality of beginning to write it) getting Hubbie, Sis and Red to read it and to tell me what their honest, honest, honest opinions on it are. I will ask them to be brutal, and then I think I will run away and hide. Something about getting someone so close to you to critique your work, actually fills me with a sick, sick feeling, and no not the kind that is cough-inducing. More the type that will churn your stomach contents and force them in a vertical motion. Hell, even when I see that people have read my blog, I freak out slightly, and that's people I don't know, with no critical response whatsoever!
But baby steps. All little baby steps. All in the right direction.
Speaking of baby steps. Had a massive, major, incredible !!lightbulb!! moment a few nights ago with Hubbie, Sis and her Hub. It is actually so incredible and major, that if this thing were to eventuate, it could change all of our lives, I believe MAJORLY. But because it is so big, we aren't actually letting people know of our "idea" until hopefully the day that it is fully under way and in full practice. No, sorry I can't even let my imaginary blogger-verse know about it. All off-limits. But I just had to say, it is AMAZING. Funny how something can be under your nose, in your face for so many years, and you just don't know that the opportunity has been staring you in the face the whole time. I think that is called TIMING.
And in more recent fantastic news, I have been shopping. Ahhhhh, how sweet the pursuit of clothes via monetary means and the accumulation of said-clothes can be.
Sweeeetttt.
Yesterday I purchased a very fine jacket. It was during some morning-afternoon shopping before my work shift, and Hubbie and I had just had enough. We were talking about clothes we had, clothes we usually went for, and the clothes that we should go for.
And we made a deal. No longer were we going to go for the safe, normal option. We weren't going to just buy, in my case, more plain tops, black dresses and ballet shoes, or in his case, more chequered shirts and blue polo tops. We were gonna go a bit wild, edgy, and start playing it up. We had decided, and we were sick of it!
Gosh just thinking of our new-found pact, and of all the clothes I could have if I had become shopping-smarter, sooner, just gives me even more AMMO to shop. You see, by always going for the 'safe' shopping option, you end up with a wardrobe that is not only identical, but that lacks creativity. By choosing items of clothing that will go the distance over the coming seasons, you end up lacking the current individuality that you so deserve.
Pieces of clothing can be wild and outrageous, and go the distance, if chosen correctly. I think of the alternative style of dwellers living in the edgy parts of outer-city Melbourne, and I highly doubt that they purchase with the aim of getting the most years out of their clothes, yet they still manage to do so. And still look good in seasons to come. Certainly I don't plan on moving to those suburbs, but the thought of a wild, indy-style wardrobe, with 50s style dresses, hippie skirts, bright colours and edgy alternative cuts of clothing, is greatly appealing to me right now. And what excites me more than anything (perhaps level with the accumulation of clothes though!) is the idea that if it is different, we will not look at the price of an item, we will just buy it.
Let's put that in simpler terms. If something is different = BUY!$!$!
I know! How incredibly monetar-ily free-ing is that idea! Of buying whatever as long as it's DIFFERENT! And Hubbie came up with that idea too. I know I married him for a reason :-D
It's not so easy just to want to do something. You have to also delete all the pre-wired talk in your mind, reset your shopping habits and think outside the square if you're going to start doing things differently. For example this morning, when Hubbie and I were shopping (yet again, we're on a roll) at before-mentioned outer-city suburb, I was in this full bohemian-hippy shop, which had A LOT of dresses. I came across a black and white one with a lot of ruffles near the neck line. It is a gorgeous dress, not too extreme, but even so, when I tried it on, I loved it but was still going "oh, I don't know, it has A LOT of ruffles at the front!"
You see, the old Miss S would have said "those ruffles won't help me move from season to season, year to year." But the new one, asked Hubbie for confidence, pushed through the doubt and went "you know what? I look great in this! I'll buy it!"
Now that I'm thinking differently about my clothes shopping selections and habits, I feel as if I'm a slightly different person, like I'm looking at life all differently. I can even imagine myself in one of the two dresses I bought today, (!) wearing a huge oversized straw hat and swinging from a hammock, with the current song "Something in the Water," playing in the background. Weird. I don't even own a hammock.
It's just inspiring, and so good to know, that not only with clothes, but all decisions in life, all paths taken, roads chosen, any change of direction is just a mind-set away. If you want to make the change, you can, and WILL. It's so easy. You just say "I'm going to look for a new job," "I'm getting a totally new haircut," or in my case "I'm changing my clothing style." It is so uninhibiting to realise you can do whatever you want to in life. As long as you want to.
Now that I've given you my daily awe-inspiring motivational life-quote, concluding tonights mammoth blog post (it started at work and is now ending after midnight at home) I will leave you with this thought for the night:
Everyone knows what eggs are. Eggs are eggs. But what you do with your egg will make a difference. Will you boil, poach or fry? Will you add spices and bacon, spinach and cheese, or place it on toast? What about the quality of your egg? Will it be free-range and wholesome? Grain-fed?
What you make of your very ordinary-seeming egg, will make the rest of your morning. Just as your decisions, will make your seemingly ordinary life, extraordinary.
(Definition to metaphor provided for clarity and due to lateness of post)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
My drunk post
Okay so this is quite possible going to be my mosr random of all random posts. Because i am drunk
Yes sireeee. Me drunk.
Ok ay so not sdrunk but tipsy. I knoe that from the fact that It took me 3 times to actually write the above post with noe speeligng mistakes. The rest od the post? ahh whatever. let the re be spelling itakes i dont care!QQQQQQQ!!!!!!!! Im drunk ;-)
So anyway, i have had my entire family over today! Yes siree my entire family all came (acutally not fake and her borther but hey what a surprise thee but i dont really care anyway) and it was a truly wonerful day. even motor mouth was here and i honestly didnt mind her, its gonig with my nw attitude of 'whatver'
yes htats rught, i have a new whatvever attitiude. its cool. its gonig well.
het did i tell u i love my cusin? like in afamilial way. i dont know what i should call him, um maybe 'chihuahua'. LOL. Tnhats funny becayse i KNOW why its funny! yes thereofore he wil lbe known as chihuauauaha.\
ahahahhahahaha.
i sooooo odo not car about my speeliing mistakes right n eow. thats because usually im such a perfefctionist,. butn now im like all 'whatdever'.
seeeee? going with my new attitufede???
and back tom y cuz chichuahua. he is so cool. im rapt. rapt tha alll my dfamily came over toda,. my cuz's my aunties and uncles, aeven my uncele who had a stroke recently, a few monthd back. they all coame because we called the whole family over, no one had been to aour palce yet since we moved in. and it was awedome. so awesome like super awesome. we were danixcing and there was music and we were singing and eating and drinking.
yes lots of drinking.
im not reading back this post u see/ otherwise i may think differenntly.
NOOOOOOOOOOO! i must post it i must!!!!!!! please excuse my dual oersonality ATM.
so it was cool EVERYONE came (impoirstant).
Ahhhhh sonice!.
Lovely. Love Love Lvoe LOve Love.
Is all gso good.
and i made 135 cakes in preparation no joke, one recipe makes 71 th e other 64 = 135! yay i can count still,
ok i think its time to go.
goodnight and i lobe everyobodyQ! ALl of you you are all wonderful!
MWA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
I hac love for rhte pwhole weorld and everyone in it even the annoying people! Yes You!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Yes sireeee. Me drunk.
Ok ay so not sdrunk but tipsy. I knoe that from the fact that It took me 3 times to actually write the above post with noe speeligng mistakes. The rest od the post? ahh whatever. let the re be spelling itakes i dont care!QQQQQQQ!!!!!!!! Im drunk ;-)
So anyway, i have had my entire family over today! Yes siree my entire family all came (acutally not fake and her borther but hey what a surprise thee but i dont really care anyway) and it was a truly wonerful day. even motor mouth was here and i honestly didnt mind her, its gonig with my nw attitude of 'whatver'
yes htats rught, i have a new whatvever attitiude. its cool. its gonig well.
het did i tell u i love my cusin? like in afamilial way. i dont know what i should call him, um maybe 'chihuahua'. LOL. Tnhats funny becayse i KNOW why its funny! yes thereofore he wil lbe known as chihuauauaha.\
ahahahhahahaha.
i sooooo odo not car about my speeliing mistakes right n eow. thats because usually im such a perfefctionist,. butn now im like all 'whatdever'.
seeeee? going with my new attitufede???
and back tom y cuz chichuahua. he is so cool. im rapt. rapt tha alll my dfamily came over toda,. my cuz's my aunties and uncles, aeven my uncele who had a stroke recently, a few monthd back. they all coame because we called the whole family over, no one had been to aour palce yet since we moved in. and it was awedome. so awesome like super awesome. we were danixcing and there was music and we were singing and eating and drinking.
yes lots of drinking.
im not reading back this post u see/ otherwise i may think differenntly.
NOOOOOOOOOOO! i must post it i must!!!!!!! please excuse my dual oersonality ATM.
so it was cool EVERYONE came (impoirstant).
Ahhhhh sonice!.
Lovely. Love Love Lvoe LOve Love.
Is all gso good.
and i made 135 cakes in preparation no joke, one recipe makes 71 th e other 64 = 135! yay i can count still,
ok i think its time to go.
goodnight and i lobe everyobodyQ! ALl of you you are all wonderful!
MWA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
I hac love for rhte pwhole weorld and everyone in it even the annoying people! Yes You!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Monday, September 13, 2010
I like Anonymity
I've just been on Blogger for the past short while, clicking and clicking on the 'Next Blog' button, hoping against hope that I will come across a blog like my own. Sure, there are some awesome blogs I follow that are about both random things and life experiences, much like my own. But I want to find more. I want to see if there is anyone actually like-minded out there, like me. Anyone who is fascinated by people and their behaviours. Anyone who is curious about life, searching for the hidden meanings. Anyone striving for excellence, aiming to achieve their dreams. Someone like moi.
But alas, no. Every single time I hit 'Next Blog' I come across either an all-Spanish blog or a parenting, child-focused blog. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Spaniards nor parents and their kids. However, I can't exactly read Spanish, so if I happened to stumble across the best Spanish blog since churros were invented, I would have absolutely no chance of knowing it. As for all the parent/kiddy blogs out there, again, nothing against you. Hey, when I have kids, I have no doubt I'll start up a whole new blog about my new world of parenting exploits and child-rearing revelations. And as I've mentioned in other posts, I do love kids. However I don't want to hear about them EVERY-SINGLE-DAY. I have my my sister-in-law for that.
No kidding, this isn't the first time I've come across so many blogs about Spaniards and parents. It seems that the world of Blogger is FILLED with them.
I guess that's what you expect: I don't have many followers (um, at last count, let me think...... 1? LOL. Thank you Margaret:))
Followers=Blogs you read.
I'm sure some would disagree with me. I think it's like a case of the Chicken vs the Egg scenario, and what came first. Let me explain.
In my blog-world, it goes like this: the Followers are the 'Chicken.' The subsequent blogs YOU follow, are the 'Egg.' It follows (LOL) that Followers that add themselves to your page, create more blogs for you to view and admire.
You see a new follower > "Oooooh goody!" > "Hmmm, let me check out this blog" > "Oooooh this blog is cool"> "I think I will follow that blog."
Yes that's the actual cycle people, that's how it goes. Verbatim ;P
And yes, I DO believe the chicken came first. It then evolved over time and created the egg. My theory anyway.
So, the fact that I have one follower, means I myself follow very few blogs. Thus far. I'm sure there is someone out there who can contest this theory of mine, but I have no business arguing with a blogger who has 10,000 followers but follows none only because their blogging experience is akin to having the most friends on facebook. 'Nuff said. So don't go there. I'm talking genuine bloggers with genuine sincerity in blogging.
Hey, no pity, please. I actually don't mind it. I like the anonymity. It means that I can continue to bitch and moan about people who shit me in my life, without ever worrying that someone out there will realise who I am. I didn't the create the oh-so-not-really-original-but-if-you-knew-me-you'd-know-where-it-came-from pseudonym of Miss S for nothing. If anyone out there who knows me stumbles across my blog, they wouldn't have any idea it was me blogging. Not even my little teeny photo reveals much :) (Making sense now, huh???)
I like blogging. I consider it like my own personal diary. And as I've long since stopped writing in my diary, (1. because when I write I go on forever and my hand hurts, and
2.typing is much quicker and less time consuming, and
3.I can do it at work!)
this is my only other avenue to explore the things in my head, my life, my world.
So I'm cool with it. Having less followers means I can continue being me, and not worrying about the potential repercussions of someone I know possibly coming across my blog. (That's not to say I don't want followers, I can deal with that, honestly I can!) Seriously though, the only person who even knows I blog is Hubbie, and he's never even read ANY of my posts (maybe better that for now) because he seriously, is not much of a reader. My family don't know. My sister. My besties. My work buddies. My cousins. EVERYONE and ANYONE who knows me is totally clueless to my random ramblings about me and them and everything in my life. He he. If you read my other posts, you'll KNOW that NO ONE in my personal life knows I blog :)
I guess I'm just saying I'm happy where I am right now, exploring everything about my life as I continue my quest to achieving my dreams of writing and wedding video creating.
Speaking of. I was saying to Hubbie last night, as I drove, high on one alcoholic drink, (don't drink-drive people) from his sisters to my sisters place.
Me: "Writing is the best kind of fame....."
Hubbie : (listening, probably wondering what random shit would come out of my mouth now)
Me: "....because you are FAMOUS, but only the people that read your books know about you. It's the best of both worlds. You live a normal life most of the time, and only your fans make you feel like a celebrity."
Hubbie: (nodding now, smiling. He does talk, it just so happens he was listening exceptionally well last night in the car)
Me: "That's what I'm gonna be. An Author. Australia's answer to Stephenie Meyer. Do you know who that is?"
Hubbie: "Who?" (finally, a word!)
Me: "Uhhhh, Twilight? Yes, thank you very much. Of course, being Australia's answer to her means I will be famous on a lesser scale, but I can still deal with that."
Ahhh dreams. Yes, not only do I dream psycho weird dreams when my eyes are closed at night, but I also dream during the day with my eyes wide awake. I think I will end with a T.E. Lawrence quote, one that I read AGES ago, but didn't remember and rediscover 'til just recently (it's a quote sort of month). It is quite appropriate given my musings about dreams, and also consequently fuels my desire to achieving my dreams even MORE if that's even possible.
“All men dream, but unequally. Those that dream at night in the dusty recesses of their minds awake the next day to find that their dreams were just vanity. But those who dream during the day with their eyes wide open are dangerous men; they act out their dreams to make them reality.” -T.E. Lawrence
Thank you Mr. Lawrence. Thank you.
But alas, no. Every single time I hit 'Next Blog' I come across either an all-Spanish blog or a parenting, child-focused blog. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Spaniards nor parents and their kids. However, I can't exactly read Spanish, so if I happened to stumble across the best Spanish blog since churros were invented, I would have absolutely no chance of knowing it. As for all the parent/kiddy blogs out there, again, nothing against you. Hey, when I have kids, I have no doubt I'll start up a whole new blog about my new world of parenting exploits and child-rearing revelations. And as I've mentioned in other posts, I do love kids. However I don't want to hear about them EVERY-SINGLE-DAY. I have my my sister-in-law for that.
No kidding, this isn't the first time I've come across so many blogs about Spaniards and parents. It seems that the world of Blogger is FILLED with them.
I guess that's what you expect: I don't have many followers (um, at last count, let me think...... 1? LOL. Thank you Margaret:))
Followers=Blogs you read.
I'm sure some would disagree with me. I think it's like a case of the Chicken vs the Egg scenario, and what came first. Let me explain.
In my blog-world, it goes like this: the Followers are the 'Chicken.' The subsequent blogs YOU follow, are the 'Egg.' It follows (LOL) that Followers that add themselves to your page, create more blogs for you to view and admire.
You see a new follower > "Oooooh goody!" > "Hmmm, let me check out this blog" > "Oooooh this blog is cool"> "I think I will follow that blog."
Yes that's the actual cycle people, that's how it goes. Verbatim ;P
And yes, I DO believe the chicken came first. It then evolved over time and created the egg. My theory anyway.
So, the fact that I have one follower, means I myself follow very few blogs. Thus far. I'm sure there is someone out there who can contest this theory of mine, but I have no business arguing with a blogger who has 10,000 followers but follows none only because their blogging experience is akin to having the most friends on facebook. 'Nuff said. So don't go there. I'm talking genuine bloggers with genuine sincerity in blogging.
Hey, no pity, please. I actually don't mind it. I like the anonymity. It means that I can continue to bitch and moan about people who shit me in my life, without ever worrying that someone out there will realise who I am. I didn't the create the oh-so-not-really-original-but-if-you-knew-me-you'd-know-where-it-came-from pseudonym of Miss S for nothing. If anyone out there who knows me stumbles across my blog, they wouldn't have any idea it was me blogging. Not even my little teeny photo reveals much :) (Making sense now, huh???)
I like blogging. I consider it like my own personal diary. And as I've long since stopped writing in my diary, (1. because when I write I go on forever and my hand hurts, and
2.typing is much quicker and less time consuming, and
3.I can do it at work!)
this is my only other avenue to explore the things in my head, my life, my world.
So I'm cool with it. Having less followers means I can continue being me, and not worrying about the potential repercussions of someone I know possibly coming across my blog. (That's not to say I don't want followers, I can deal with that, honestly I can!) Seriously though, the only person who even knows I blog is Hubbie, and he's never even read ANY of my posts (maybe better that for now) because he seriously, is not much of a reader. My family don't know. My sister. My besties. My work buddies. My cousins. EVERYONE and ANYONE who knows me is totally clueless to my random ramblings about me and them and everything in my life. He he. If you read my other posts, you'll KNOW that NO ONE in my personal life knows I blog :)
I guess I'm just saying I'm happy where I am right now, exploring everything about my life as I continue my quest to achieving my dreams of writing and wedding video creating.
Speaking of. I was saying to Hubbie last night, as I drove, high on one alcoholic drink, (don't drink-drive people) from his sisters to my sisters place.
Me: "Writing is the best kind of fame....."
Hubbie : (listening, probably wondering what random shit would come out of my mouth now)
Me: "....because you are FAMOUS, but only the people that read your books know about you. It's the best of both worlds. You live a normal life most of the time, and only your fans make you feel like a celebrity."
Hubbie: (nodding now, smiling. He does talk, it just so happens he was listening exceptionally well last night in the car)
Me: "That's what I'm gonna be. An Author. Australia's answer to Stephenie Meyer. Do you know who that is?"
Hubbie: "Who?" (finally, a word!)
Me: "Uhhhh, Twilight? Yes, thank you very much. Of course, being Australia's answer to her means I will be famous on a lesser scale, but I can still deal with that."
Ahhh dreams. Yes, not only do I dream psycho weird dreams when my eyes are closed at night, but I also dream during the day with my eyes wide awake. I think I will end with a T.E. Lawrence quote, one that I read AGES ago, but didn't remember and rediscover 'til just recently (it's a quote sort of month). It is quite appropriate given my musings about dreams, and also consequently fuels my desire to achieving my dreams even MORE if that's even possible.
“All men dream, but unequally. Those that dream at night in the dusty recesses of their minds awake the next day to find that their dreams were just vanity. But those who dream during the day with their eyes wide open are dangerous men; they act out their dreams to make them reality.” -T.E. Lawrence
Thank you Mr. Lawrence. Thank you.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Great, thanks
So I did have a truly awesome birthday celebration in true Miss S extravaganza style. Sorry I should say celebrations.
I think my new age has brought with it a little bit more maturity. Although there were things that happened over my birthday weekend that would have normally upset me, that would have made me focus and concentrate on pesky miniscule non-issues, instead I've been trying, somewhat successfully, to let it all go, and just relax.
For example, my Friday night out. It only ended up being 7 of us in total. Despite several work friends saying they were coming, and despite my cousins Legs and Hair promising they would be there, as well as some other friends, none of the above mentioned came: work duties prevailed, tiredness, soreness and general lack of motivation. The 15-ish number I expected to come, halved.
I made a split decision in that moment on Friday night. Receiving those regretful messages on my mobile I thought "this is the moment that will create the rest of my night.... how will I respond to it?"
After a tiny bit of "ohhhhh" and disappointment, I decided to let it all go and focus on having an awesome night. And I did!
Similarly, when 2 of our closest friends couldn't make it to my house party on Saturday night, I did revert back to whingy, whiny unhappy 2-year-old tantrum Miss S: "But I don't want them to be sick! Why are they sick??"
But again, I put on my positive mask, and really, with the 20-odd people I had there that night, it really wasn't that bad losing 2, as we had our hands tied with everyone else. And it meant that our friends who missed it came by last night (resulting in a very late night I might add, yawn!) prolonging my birthday celebrations even FURTHER!
See, positive, positive? LOL.
It's so easy. So easy to just fall into that negative downward spiral. Especially when in the past year I've had people in my close circle of family and friends disappoint me in various ways. The best thing that has happened to me of late is the talk I had with my mum and my sister. I'm thinking of the words that my sister said to me, telling me that she's seen me so angry and negative, so tense and mad, and thought to herself that that's not me. I'd let myself turn into a person I'm not.
So now I'm focusing on the good, ol' Miss S.
Yes, I could choose to be upset about my cousins promising to come to my party, and then not following through. Rather than be upset, I should focus on the reasons why, and realise that no human is a superbeing. No one person can do everything at the same time, and expect to be everywhere at once. Their intention was there, despite their failing to show. And if I feel that I'm not as close to them as I used to be (and I do really feel that), well I should look at myself. I should look at what I can do for them, to show them I care. Which I will endeavour to do over the coming months.
As for work friends...... well, that's just the way it is. And although I didn't know how I was going to come back to work today after my week off, and whether or not I'd drop a comment like "no one from work came," when I came in, I saw that they actually looked like they cared about me! I mean my boss was really nice, all sorry about missing the night out, others were actively asking me about my birthday and my time off, I even had a birthday card on my desk from one of them, apologies from another...... and you know what? I thought to myself, if I had been in their position, of being invited to one of their parties with the probability that I may be the only one there amongst work friends.... I wouldn't have gone either.
I've come to the conclusion, that with work colleagues, it's fine to not see each other outside of work. As long as we're nice whilst at work, well I think that's all that really matters. We do get along. We just have different interests and friends outside of work, which makes perfect, complete sense. And I'm okay with that.
I think the whole key here, is when faced with such a problem, whether with a family member, close friend, or work colleague, whatever a person may be to you, is to ask yourself:
"what would I do in their position?"
"what can I do in our relationship to make this better?"
and most importantly, to not look at any issue in the upmost negative light. Rather than jumping the gun and going straight to the worst possible scenario, think of the more probable one.
If someone doesn't come to your party, it's not because they hate you; maybe they got tied up. Maybe they're tired. On the other side of town. They have a sore back. They don't wanna come alone. Explanations like that are so much more easier to deal with, for mind, body and spirit.
I think the worst thing is to feel like you're entitled, like you're owed something. No one owes you anything. You will only get things from putting work into it. And unless you look at what you can do, all you will continue to get is the same negative feelings of "why didn't they/couldn't they/wouldn't they...."
your WHOLE life.
When I think about it (yes I am thinking A LOT lately) the 7 people I had on Friday night, coupled with the 20 on Saturday.... that's 27 people. 27 people who care for me, love me, and made the time and effort to see me for my birthday.
That's a lot. What are the statistics, something like having only 2 or 3 real friends in your whole life? I compare that with all the people I've seen this last weekend, and including our awesome buddies last night, and I can't help but smile. My statistics are awesome. Quality not quantity, remember?
There. Now I'm done with my little Dr Phil spiel. I think I'll go now and make some light-hearted convo with my work buddies.....
I think my new age has brought with it a little bit more maturity. Although there were things that happened over my birthday weekend that would have normally upset me, that would have made me focus and concentrate on pesky miniscule non-issues, instead I've been trying, somewhat successfully, to let it all go, and just relax.
For example, my Friday night out. It only ended up being 7 of us in total. Despite several work friends saying they were coming, and despite my cousins Legs and Hair promising they would be there, as well as some other friends, none of the above mentioned came: work duties prevailed, tiredness, soreness and general lack of motivation. The 15-ish number I expected to come, halved.
I made a split decision in that moment on Friday night. Receiving those regretful messages on my mobile I thought "this is the moment that will create the rest of my night.... how will I respond to it?"
After a tiny bit of "ohhhhh" and disappointment, I decided to let it all go and focus on having an awesome night. And I did!
Similarly, when 2 of our closest friends couldn't make it to my house party on Saturday night, I did revert back to whingy, whiny unhappy 2-year-old tantrum Miss S: "But I don't want them to be sick! Why are they sick??"
But again, I put on my positive mask, and really, with the 20-odd people I had there that night, it really wasn't that bad losing 2, as we had our hands tied with everyone else. And it meant that our friends who missed it came by last night (resulting in a very late night I might add, yawn!) prolonging my birthday celebrations even FURTHER!
See, positive, positive? LOL.
It's so easy. So easy to just fall into that negative downward spiral. Especially when in the past year I've had people in my close circle of family and friends disappoint me in various ways. The best thing that has happened to me of late is the talk I had with my mum and my sister. I'm thinking of the words that my sister said to me, telling me that she's seen me so angry and negative, so tense and mad, and thought to herself that that's not me. I'd let myself turn into a person I'm not.
So now I'm focusing on the good, ol' Miss S.
Yes, I could choose to be upset about my cousins promising to come to my party, and then not following through. Rather than be upset, I should focus on the reasons why, and realise that no human is a superbeing. No one person can do everything at the same time, and expect to be everywhere at once. Their intention was there, despite their failing to show. And if I feel that I'm not as close to them as I used to be (and I do really feel that), well I should look at myself. I should look at what I can do for them, to show them I care. Which I will endeavour to do over the coming months.
As for work friends...... well, that's just the way it is. And although I didn't know how I was going to come back to work today after my week off, and whether or not I'd drop a comment like "no one from work came," when I came in, I saw that they actually looked like they cared about me! I mean my boss was really nice, all sorry about missing the night out, others were actively asking me about my birthday and my time off, I even had a birthday card on my desk from one of them, apologies from another...... and you know what? I thought to myself, if I had been in their position, of being invited to one of their parties with the probability that I may be the only one there amongst work friends.... I wouldn't have gone either.
I've come to the conclusion, that with work colleagues, it's fine to not see each other outside of work. As long as we're nice whilst at work, well I think that's all that really matters. We do get along. We just have different interests and friends outside of work, which makes perfect, complete sense. And I'm okay with that.
I think the whole key here, is when faced with such a problem, whether with a family member, close friend, or work colleague, whatever a person may be to you, is to ask yourself:
"what would I do in their position?"
"what can I do in our relationship to make this better?"
and most importantly, to not look at any issue in the upmost negative light. Rather than jumping the gun and going straight to the worst possible scenario, think of the more probable one.
If someone doesn't come to your party, it's not because they hate you; maybe they got tied up. Maybe they're tired. On the other side of town. They have a sore back. They don't wanna come alone. Explanations like that are so much more easier to deal with, for mind, body and spirit.
I think the worst thing is to feel like you're entitled, like you're owed something. No one owes you anything. You will only get things from putting work into it. And unless you look at what you can do, all you will continue to get is the same negative feelings of "why didn't they/couldn't they/wouldn't they...."
your WHOLE life.
When I think about it (yes I am thinking A LOT lately) the 7 people I had on Friday night, coupled with the 20 on Saturday.... that's 27 people. 27 people who care for me, love me, and made the time and effort to see me for my birthday.
That's a lot. What are the statistics, something like having only 2 or 3 real friends in your whole life? I compare that with all the people I've seen this last weekend, and including our awesome buddies last night, and I can't help but smile. My statistics are awesome. Quality not quantity, remember?
There. Now I'm done with my little Dr Phil spiel. I think I'll go now and make some light-hearted convo with my work buddies.....
Thursday, April 22, 2010
M.I.A: A Poem
In light of the fact that I have been totally absent from blogging for what seems like forever, rather than chronicle the exciting and fantastic adventures of my everyday life in an effort to update the blog world, I decided to compose a poem.
Ahem.
The biggest news I have to share
Would be about our latest dare
We bought a block of land you see
A house to build upon will be
My Swedish friend came back to visit
(Odd to visit her home don't you think?)
Nonetheless we all had fun
And back in December she will come
Another friend of mine did wed
For 8 years now a life they'd shared
The day was great! we talked, laughed and danced
And took stupid photos 'til we pissed our pants
My cousin came from overseas
And I took her out to a Hens Night Party
We had good times, took heaps of shots
(Both alcoholic and photo sorts!)
On the work front, it has been flat out
Since our boss here decided to depart
But having returned from her South African cruise
All our worries have gone, and our blues
As for my dear cousin Legs' days
She's still planning her matrimonial ways
And she has been asking me for advice
To which I think it is really nice :)
My Bestie's boy, Wine we call him
some days are good, some are a whim
It's up and down, but generally I believe,
all of us are different - so accept it, PLEASE!
My overseas bestie is planning her return
A visit only (I know, I know)
Her sister is going through a pregnancy
And a doting aunty my friend will be!
We've had an invasion of disgusting pests
Portugese Millipedes - ugh (are they migrants?)
They come into the house and slide upon our floors
And we just pick them up and hurl them outdoors
A revelation it seems 'bout Ricky Martin
He prefers men - have I been dim?
My love for his music has kept me biased
But now I must accept his truth, not deny it
Speaking of which, went to see George!
Michael that is, of Wham! days - and oh Lord
He is a true talent, genius and a star
A musical legend he is by FAR
Some sad news of late from overseas
A cousin of mine met his fate unfortunately
He died before his time, a shock for all
But when you rise too fast, eventually you must fall
Still Twilight-ing, Eclipse I have read
Starting Breaking Dawn soon - and yes I do care
These books are addictive, they make me mad!
More often than not, I go from happy to sad
A positive spin on things I try to do
It keeps me sane and feeling brand new
It's important to focus on life's good things
Like love, health and happiness, and all else that it brings.
I think that sums up the last few months perfectly. At the time I felt there was really no way I could write a blog that measured up to the immensity of information and emotion of my last blog, regarding Richard Carlson's death. But time helps you think, move on, and think of things in perspective.
So, I re-introduce myself to you, as Miss S :)
Ahem.
The biggest news I have to share
Would be about our latest dare
We bought a block of land you see
A house to build upon will be
My Swedish friend came back to visit
(Odd to visit her home don't you think?)
Nonetheless we all had fun
And back in December she will come
Another friend of mine did wed
For 8 years now a life they'd shared
The day was great! we talked, laughed and danced
And took stupid photos 'til we pissed our pants
My cousin came from overseas
And I took her out to a Hens Night Party
We had good times, took heaps of shots
(Both alcoholic and photo sorts!)
On the work front, it has been flat out
Since our boss here decided to depart
But having returned from her South African cruise
All our worries have gone, and our blues
As for my dear cousin Legs' days
She's still planning her matrimonial ways
And she has been asking me for advice
To which I think it is really nice :)
My Bestie's boy, Wine we call him
some days are good, some are a whim
It's up and down, but generally I believe,
all of us are different - so accept it, PLEASE!
My overseas bestie is planning her return
A visit only (I know, I know)
Her sister is going through a pregnancy
And a doting aunty my friend will be!
We've had an invasion of disgusting pests
Portugese Millipedes - ugh (are they migrants?)
They come into the house and slide upon our floors
And we just pick them up and hurl them outdoors
A revelation it seems 'bout Ricky Martin
He prefers men - have I been dim?
My love for his music has kept me biased
But now I must accept his truth, not deny it
Speaking of which, went to see George!
Michael that is, of Wham! days - and oh Lord
He is a true talent, genius and a star
A musical legend he is by FAR
Some sad news of late from overseas
A cousin of mine met his fate unfortunately
He died before his time, a shock for all
But when you rise too fast, eventually you must fall
Still Twilight-ing, Eclipse I have read
Starting Breaking Dawn soon - and yes I do care
These books are addictive, they make me mad!
More often than not, I go from happy to sad
A positive spin on things I try to do
It keeps me sane and feeling brand new
It's important to focus on life's good things
Like love, health and happiness, and all else that it brings.
I think that sums up the last few months perfectly. At the time I felt there was really no way I could write a blog that measured up to the immensity of information and emotion of my last blog, regarding Richard Carlson's death. But time helps you think, move on, and think of things in perspective.
So, I re-introduce myself to you, as Miss S :)
Friday, January 8, 2010
My ANGER Management - Part 2
Episode 3. One of the things I mentioned a few blogs ago, was the non-invite we received. This came (or should I say didn't come) from my bestie's boyfriend. Let's call her Red, and him, Wine.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Truth and Jealousy
I've been feeling a bit peeved off lately concerning work. There's this one little thing that's irritated me since last Friday, and now I can't stop thinking about it.
I had a conversation with a 'superior' of mine last week, there were a few others there though, so it was during a group coffee break when it happened.
One of them asked the rest of us whether we were going to a fellow colleague of ours birthday the following weekend. That fellow colleague wasn't there during the time. I didn't really hear the question because he sort of mumbled it, so when he looked at me, I asked what he'd said.
He repeated "you going to ........ birthday?"
I paused because then I realised what he was saying, and remembering that I was busy that night, replied "Oh! I have a wedding that night."
The guy joked and made some sort of comment about my ridiculously busy schedule, to which my superior added, jokingly, "Oh, excuses excuses."
Hee hee hee.
I just sort of laughed it off, and I think the conversation changed to something else. But something about it stuck with me.
That night at home I told Hubbie. He's met my superior, so he could imagine the person saying it. He may not know the person well, but he's a very good judge of character.
He told me that yes, he could imagine this person saying that. Having met this person, he could see how they would say something, in a friendly, joking way, but deep within be believing of that comment, that it was not a joke but in fact the truth.
So I was right. My superior didn't believe me. Believed that I was making up an excuse to not go to this colleague of ours birthday.
It really shitted me. And it still does. Yes, I know that every time we talk about our weekends, that my stories always include some dinner, birthday, christening, engagement, wedding or get together that I've had. I realise that normal people don't usually have a birthday and a christening on one day and then a bridal shower on the next. And I realise that my superior is probably secretly shitty because they went to my birthday and I didn't go to theirs, because of the birthday/christening day we had a few weeks back.
But you know what? Our family isn't normal. We don't have one cousin and a few uncles and aunties that we see twice a year for Christmas and Easter. We don't have family functions that include the whole family sitting on an extended stretched out table.
We have uncles and aunties that have several kids each, all of who have more kids of their own. We have our parents' cousins and family friends on top of all this. This isn't including our large group of friends, acquired through school, work and recreational activities. If you've worked in more than one place, like both Hubbie and I have, you can start to see how your group of friends suddenly becomes quite large.
If we invite everyone we know in our family to a social event, we need to hire out a RECEPTION. This is no exaggeration. We had under 400 people at our wedding. That tells you that we know a lot of people. And yes granted, a lot of those people are friends of the family that our parents had to invite only because they were once invited to their sons/daughters wedding 15 years earlier. But that's what our family is, that's what we do. The most distant relative will invite you to a function, and you're expected to do the same.
Add to that our friends, OUTSIDE of work, and you start to get a picture. Hubbie had this same issue a while back, where the guys he worked with stirred him and couldn't really believe how many functions he had, wedding after wedding, on the same weekend.
But if you think about it, what reason is there to lie? And if you were to lie, why would you make up some ridiculous excuse about having a wedding on a Saturday and then another wedding following on a Sunday? It's so far-fetched and ridiculous that it MUST be true.
We have a lot of people in our life, we are truly blessed. So, to someone that comes from a different background, with a smaller family, why should that be weird to them, why should they believe something other than the truth, why would they believe that I'm lying?
They believe this because they think I'm trying to get out of going to the work get together. Fair enough, I missed their birthday, now I'm missing this one....... it MUST mean that. Surely, you can't have that many functions, you can't have that many friends, you can't have more people in your life, and have more places to go to, and be more busy than me.........
Ahhhhhhhh. That is it. That is the answer. This person, if they wanted to, COULD believe me. If they wanted to. They COULD believe that it is possible to be that busy. But then it would mean accepting the truth that their life isn't as busy, filled with as much people and parties, as mine.
And that is the hard part to swallow. It's jealousy, as much as they don't want to admit it. Which makes me sad. I hate jealousy. I hate when I see it consuming people, little or a lot. It doesn't matter how much it is, because the end result is the same. Resentment.
So this person has disguised their jealousy and resentment with distrustfulness, because that is easier to accept. Rather than the truth. Which really peeves me off. Such a small comment, yet such a window into their mind and the way they think.
I'm a very honest person. So for someone to believe, and suggest even in a joking way, of me being manipulative and lying to get out of a situation, out of an event? Me, party person, always busy wanting to go out and do stuff?
Bull crap.
It soooooo gets to me. Like really truly. And I hate the way I'm now looking at my superior. I'm extra aware of our interactions, and just this morning when I looked up to say something, I saw them looking at me in an odd observational way. Sussing me out.
I hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. I can feel the jealousy and the scrutiny, and I need to set them straight, via my incredible subtle powers!
Because they're my superior, and I can't just come out and say it. Because of just that word. 'Superior.'
Annoying.
Sigh. Why are people so complicated?
I had a conversation with a 'superior' of mine last week, there were a few others there though, so it was during a group coffee break when it happened.
One of them asked the rest of us whether we were going to a fellow colleague of ours birthday the following weekend. That fellow colleague wasn't there during the time. I didn't really hear the question because he sort of mumbled it, so when he looked at me, I asked what he'd said.
He repeated "you going to ........ birthday?"
I paused because then I realised what he was saying, and remembering that I was busy that night, replied "Oh! I have a wedding that night."
The guy joked and made some sort of comment about my ridiculously busy schedule, to which my superior added, jokingly, "Oh, excuses excuses."
Hee hee hee.
I just sort of laughed it off, and I think the conversation changed to something else. But something about it stuck with me.
That night at home I told Hubbie. He's met my superior, so he could imagine the person saying it. He may not know the person well, but he's a very good judge of character.
He told me that yes, he could imagine this person saying that. Having met this person, he could see how they would say something, in a friendly, joking way, but deep within be believing of that comment, that it was not a joke but in fact the truth.
So I was right. My superior didn't believe me. Believed that I was making up an excuse to not go to this colleague of ours birthday.
It really shitted me. And it still does. Yes, I know that every time we talk about our weekends, that my stories always include some dinner, birthday, christening, engagement, wedding or get together that I've had. I realise that normal people don't usually have a birthday and a christening on one day and then a bridal shower on the next. And I realise that my superior is probably secretly shitty because they went to my birthday and I didn't go to theirs, because of the birthday/christening day we had a few weeks back.
But you know what? Our family isn't normal. We don't have one cousin and a few uncles and aunties that we see twice a year for Christmas and Easter. We don't have family functions that include the whole family sitting on an extended stretched out table.
We have uncles and aunties that have several kids each, all of who have more kids of their own. We have our parents' cousins and family friends on top of all this. This isn't including our large group of friends, acquired through school, work and recreational activities. If you've worked in more than one place, like both Hubbie and I have, you can start to see how your group of friends suddenly becomes quite large.
If we invite everyone we know in our family to a social event, we need to hire out a RECEPTION. This is no exaggeration. We had under 400 people at our wedding. That tells you that we know a lot of people. And yes granted, a lot of those people are friends of the family that our parents had to invite only because they were once invited to their sons/daughters wedding 15 years earlier. But that's what our family is, that's what we do. The most distant relative will invite you to a function, and you're expected to do the same.
Add to that our friends, OUTSIDE of work, and you start to get a picture. Hubbie had this same issue a while back, where the guys he worked with stirred him and couldn't really believe how many functions he had, wedding after wedding, on the same weekend.
But if you think about it, what reason is there to lie? And if you were to lie, why would you make up some ridiculous excuse about having a wedding on a Saturday and then another wedding following on a Sunday? It's so far-fetched and ridiculous that it MUST be true.
We have a lot of people in our life, we are truly blessed. So, to someone that comes from a different background, with a smaller family, why should that be weird to them, why should they believe something other than the truth, why would they believe that I'm lying?
They believe this because they think I'm trying to get out of going to the work get together. Fair enough, I missed their birthday, now I'm missing this one....... it MUST mean that. Surely, you can't have that many functions, you can't have that many friends, you can't have more people in your life, and have more places to go to, and be more busy than me.........
Ahhhhhhhh. That is it. That is the answer. This person, if they wanted to, COULD believe me. If they wanted to. They COULD believe that it is possible to be that busy. But then it would mean accepting the truth that their life isn't as busy, filled with as much people and parties, as mine.
And that is the hard part to swallow. It's jealousy, as much as they don't want to admit it. Which makes me sad. I hate jealousy. I hate when I see it consuming people, little or a lot. It doesn't matter how much it is, because the end result is the same. Resentment.
So this person has disguised their jealousy and resentment with distrustfulness, because that is easier to accept. Rather than the truth. Which really peeves me off. Such a small comment, yet such a window into their mind and the way they think.
I'm a very honest person. So for someone to believe, and suggest even in a joking way, of me being manipulative and lying to get out of a situation, out of an event? Me, party person, always busy wanting to go out and do stuff?
Bull crap.
It soooooo gets to me. Like really truly. And I hate the way I'm now looking at my superior. I'm extra aware of our interactions, and just this morning when I looked up to say something, I saw them looking at me in an odd observational way. Sussing me out.
I hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. I can feel the jealousy and the scrutiny, and I need to set them straight, via my incredible subtle powers!
Because they're my superior, and I can't just come out and say it. Because of just that word. 'Superior.'
Annoying.
Sigh. Why are people so complicated?
Friday, October 16, 2009
My Karma, My Monday Night.
I had a big night on Monday. There came many realisations, tears, and after a few too many glasses of wine, acceptance and truth.
I've had a while to think about it.
I've actually had over a month to think about all the things that have been bothering me this last while. And although I blogged about my fainting episode a while back, there was an earlier episode that occurred only days before I fainted, which had me wondering whether my fainting was episodal, or karmic-al, if there is such a word.
Without going on about it too much, there was a family gathering of sorts. And someone close in the family offended me, very, very deeply.
Some could say I was right to speak up. Others may say that I was being overly sensitive, and looking too much into things. All I can say to that is, the way I have been brought up, if someone speaks in an overly condescending and arrogant way to someone else, with a continual air of attitude and self-righteousness, well they deserve to be told off.
So I spoke up to someone's negativity, and that person felt my anger.
This person has said stupid stuff before. And upset others more than they've upset me. But this time, after this night, I could not let it go. I was beyond mad. I was seething with anger, my blood was boiling and tears threatened to spill out every time I even thought of saying their name.
I was starting to feel that I could NEVER get over this. Ever. When you look at it, you may say to yourself "but it wasn't even that bad." But the culmination of receiving this attitude over the years, and the way it was put on the night, was as they say, the straw that broke the camels back. And it snapped me in half.
It placed stress on me. Very heavily, because everytime I thought of this person, or they were mentioned, a sarcastic smile would cross my face. I was mad.
It didn't threaten, but it did make things difficult between Hubbie and I. We had various heated talks. Heated because although he saw where I was coming from, he had been himself in my position so many times, and felt the anger himself, that he knew it was pointless. He claimed, that despite some of the negativity put out by this person, behind the flamboyant mouth lay a good-intentioned person.
I just couldn't accept that. I do not believe that a person should get a green card to do certain things which are normally deemed inappropriate, purely because overall "their heart is in the right place." This boils me to my core. It is absolutely ludicrous that someone should be let off the hook, and allowed to treat people disrespectfully, I don't care how good their intentions are.
In and out, in and out. The argument, all that was said, all the possible FUTURE disagreements..... this was going in and out of my head for weeks. And during this time, I fainted. I don't know if it was my increased sense of awareness due to my sudden intense and underlying anger, but I found myself constantly "accidentally" knocking into things at home, hitting myself, my arm, my leg, my toe, etc, etc.
I became increasingly aware of my foul language. Every sentence was "f, f, f..." and it wasn't even angry talk when I said it. It was being used as a word when there was absolutely no neccessary need to insert it in the sentence. However I did something good here: I started a swear jar, and in 4 to 5 days my swearing had significantly dropped. So that I was proud of.
But everything else.... I just felt as if I was bad. Things were going bad. And on Monday afternoon, driving home from work, I could have quite easily been wiped off the road. In a second. It wasn't even my fault, and the idiot driver could have removed me from the road indefinitely, and he didn't even look up to acknowledge his mistake.
That really stirred me. Shook me up a bit, in a day where there were countless things that seemed to be weighing on me. Future financial issues, (how are we gonna pay for all our new house items and renovations, and get that new car, and save for an investment and somehow live in our dream home one day?) worried about people close to me, (why do they keep doing this, I want to save them, help them, get them out of this cycle of bad decisions) and then THAT incident, the angry confrontation that every time I thought of it made me frown, quite literally.
I was seriously feeling low. Not only because of what had been occurring in my life, and all the worries that plagued my mind, but low because I was seeing everything that had recently happened in my life, as a cycle.
As Karma.
A cycle that had begun at around the time of that disappointing weekend, when I'd spoken up to some unreasonable behaviour.
This was something I just couldn't fathom, I couldn't grasp. I held such a strong belief in karma, belief in the balance of negative and positive energies, belief that what you put out you get back. So then why should I be receiving any negativity in my life, when I've done nothing wrong?
The way I believe in God, and my Faith, that's the same way I look at Karma. I just know it. I know it exists, and there is no need for hard evidence to determine its existence, because I see it in other peoples lives and in my life. So to believe so strongly in something, and then start to question IT, question YOURSELF, because suddenly, Karma is rearing its ugly head at YOU. But you're not bad.................. right..... ?
That's a scary thing. When you believe something so strongly, and something happens to make you question it. The feeling inside you is lost. You don't know what to believe, what to think, because suddenly, one of your very basic morals and rules of existence, seems shattered.
But then you start to think... If it's not your principle belief that is wrong, what does that say about me? Am I wrong? Why is Karma treating me so bad, making these things happen, when I believe in IT! I believe in it with every part of me that is in this world....
And that is what hurts. Much like unrequited love or affections, when you love someone and that someone doesn't give you the same love back. You believe in Karma, but karma isn't giving you a break.
So, after a tearful preparation of dinner, with my accusations at Hubbie that "he doesn't understand," and "you're not listening," we ate dinner. Poured a few glasses of wine.
And began to talk. I said everything. I told him my future worries, present fears, past angers, and finally admitted that I was scared. Was my intense anger, that I held deep within me, towards that family member, the catalyst that triggered the karmic wave of negativity towards me? I was putting out negative energy, so therefore I was receiving it back?
But how can that be, when all I did that night was speak up! Yes, speak up...... but my problem thereafter was that I held on to my anger, when I should've let it go. The air of negativity around me when I spoke that person's name, or thought of them, could have been cut with a knife.
Things started to look better on my second glass of wine.
Karma hadn't done anything to me, nor would it ever do anything to me. It was simply reacting to what I put out. I was the one that had created the negative cycle, and despite my unwavering belief, I should have known that not even I, believer of all Karmic energies, would be resistant to its power.
So, I had not done wrong, but I had put out bad energy, very bad. And karma was only responding to that. It had nothing to do with me as a person, and everything to do with my actions and intentions.
Which is reassuring. If you think about it, good people and bad people don't exist. It's their actions and what they put out to the world that create their 'bad' or 'good' personas. So no matter who you are, whether you're overall 'bad' in your intentions or 'good,' Karma's energy force will balance you out.
Not to say that you can easily pigeonhole people into two groups: that is in itself an entirely different blog. But for these purposes, you can categorise people according to their intentions.
On to my third glass of wine and I was a happy chappy. All was well in my world again. I wasn't going to let go of my anger straight away, even overnight. But I was going to try. And I was going to have to try and suppress my strong desire to let people know they're wrong when they're wrong, especially when it came to this person. I was gonna let it all go, because you know what?
Karma gets you in the end. And that's the way it should be.
Cheers to balance in this world.
I've had a while to think about it.
I've actually had over a month to think about all the things that have been bothering me this last while. And although I blogged about my fainting episode a while back, there was an earlier episode that occurred only days before I fainted, which had me wondering whether my fainting was episodal, or karmic-al, if there is such a word.
Without going on about it too much, there was a family gathering of sorts. And someone close in the family offended me, very, very deeply.
Some could say I was right to speak up. Others may say that I was being overly sensitive, and looking too much into things. All I can say to that is, the way I have been brought up, if someone speaks in an overly condescending and arrogant way to someone else, with a continual air of attitude and self-righteousness, well they deserve to be told off.
So I spoke up to someone's negativity, and that person felt my anger.
This person has said stupid stuff before. And upset others more than they've upset me. But this time, after this night, I could not let it go. I was beyond mad. I was seething with anger, my blood was boiling and tears threatened to spill out every time I even thought of saying their name.
I was starting to feel that I could NEVER get over this. Ever. When you look at it, you may say to yourself "but it wasn't even that bad." But the culmination of receiving this attitude over the years, and the way it was put on the night, was as they say, the straw that broke the camels back. And it snapped me in half.
It placed stress on me. Very heavily, because everytime I thought of this person, or they were mentioned, a sarcastic smile would cross my face. I was mad.
It didn't threaten, but it did make things difficult between Hubbie and I. We had various heated talks. Heated because although he saw where I was coming from, he had been himself in my position so many times, and felt the anger himself, that he knew it was pointless. He claimed, that despite some of the negativity put out by this person, behind the flamboyant mouth lay a good-intentioned person.
I just couldn't accept that. I do not believe that a person should get a green card to do certain things which are normally deemed inappropriate, purely because overall "their heart is in the right place." This boils me to my core. It is absolutely ludicrous that someone should be let off the hook, and allowed to treat people disrespectfully, I don't care how good their intentions are.
In and out, in and out. The argument, all that was said, all the possible FUTURE disagreements..... this was going in and out of my head for weeks. And during this time, I fainted. I don't know if it was my increased sense of awareness due to my sudden intense and underlying anger, but I found myself constantly "accidentally" knocking into things at home, hitting myself, my arm, my leg, my toe, etc, etc.
I became increasingly aware of my foul language. Every sentence was "f, f, f..." and it wasn't even angry talk when I said it. It was being used as a word when there was absolutely no neccessary need to insert it in the sentence. However I did something good here: I started a swear jar, and in 4 to 5 days my swearing had significantly dropped. So that I was proud of.
But everything else.... I just felt as if I was bad. Things were going bad. And on Monday afternoon, driving home from work, I could have quite easily been wiped off the road. In a second. It wasn't even my fault, and the idiot driver could have removed me from the road indefinitely, and he didn't even look up to acknowledge his mistake.
That really stirred me. Shook me up a bit, in a day where there were countless things that seemed to be weighing on me. Future financial issues, (how are we gonna pay for all our new house items and renovations, and get that new car, and save for an investment and somehow live in our dream home one day?) worried about people close to me, (why do they keep doing this, I want to save them, help them, get them out of this cycle of bad decisions) and then THAT incident, the angry confrontation that every time I thought of it made me frown, quite literally.
I was seriously feeling low. Not only because of what had been occurring in my life, and all the worries that plagued my mind, but low because I was seeing everything that had recently happened in my life, as a cycle.
As Karma.
A cycle that had begun at around the time of that disappointing weekend, when I'd spoken up to some unreasonable behaviour.
This was something I just couldn't fathom, I couldn't grasp. I held such a strong belief in karma, belief in the balance of negative and positive energies, belief that what you put out you get back. So then why should I be receiving any negativity in my life, when I've done nothing wrong?
The way I believe in God, and my Faith, that's the same way I look at Karma. I just know it. I know it exists, and there is no need for hard evidence to determine its existence, because I see it in other peoples lives and in my life. So to believe so strongly in something, and then start to question IT, question YOURSELF, because suddenly, Karma is rearing its ugly head at YOU. But you're not bad.................. right..... ?
That's a scary thing. When you believe something so strongly, and something happens to make you question it. The feeling inside you is lost. You don't know what to believe, what to think, because suddenly, one of your very basic morals and rules of existence, seems shattered.
But then you start to think... If it's not your principle belief that is wrong, what does that say about me? Am I wrong? Why is Karma treating me so bad, making these things happen, when I believe in IT! I believe in it with every part of me that is in this world....
And that is what hurts. Much like unrequited love or affections, when you love someone and that someone doesn't give you the same love back. You believe in Karma, but karma isn't giving you a break.
So, after a tearful preparation of dinner, with my accusations at Hubbie that "he doesn't understand," and "you're not listening," we ate dinner. Poured a few glasses of wine.
And began to talk. I said everything. I told him my future worries, present fears, past angers, and finally admitted that I was scared. Was my intense anger, that I held deep within me, towards that family member, the catalyst that triggered the karmic wave of negativity towards me? I was putting out negative energy, so therefore I was receiving it back?
But how can that be, when all I did that night was speak up! Yes, speak up...... but my problem thereafter was that I held on to my anger, when I should've let it go. The air of negativity around me when I spoke that person's name, or thought of them, could have been cut with a knife.
Things started to look better on my second glass of wine.
Karma hadn't done anything to me, nor would it ever do anything to me. It was simply reacting to what I put out. I was the one that had created the negative cycle, and despite my unwavering belief, I should have known that not even I, believer of all Karmic energies, would be resistant to its power.
So, I had not done wrong, but I had put out bad energy, very bad. And karma was only responding to that. It had nothing to do with me as a person, and everything to do with my actions and intentions.
Which is reassuring. If you think about it, good people and bad people don't exist. It's their actions and what they put out to the world that create their 'bad' or 'good' personas. So no matter who you are, whether you're overall 'bad' in your intentions or 'good,' Karma's energy force will balance you out.
Not to say that you can easily pigeonhole people into two groups: that is in itself an entirely different blog. But for these purposes, you can categorise people according to their intentions.
On to my third glass of wine and I was a happy chappy. All was well in my world again. I wasn't going to let go of my anger straight away, even overnight. But I was going to try. And I was going to have to try and suppress my strong desire to let people know they're wrong when they're wrong, especially when it came to this person. I was gonna let it all go, because you know what?
Karma gets you in the end. And that's the way it should be.
Cheers to balance in this world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)