I've come across a realisation about myself in the last couple of nights. While watching the Lost series re-cap 2 nights ago, and then the actual last ever episode of Lost last night, amidst my smiles and tears of sadness and happiness, I realised that I was really enjoying the flashback scenes.
It wasn't just the fact that it was the final episode and I was getting all sentimental, what with the sudden visions of what the characters had gone through in the last 6 seasons, however that did really add to the nostalgia of the episode. It was realising that I REALLY enjoyed the flashbacks, and I had enjoyed the glimpses we got as viewers, of the lives of the Lost characters throughout the entire series. In fact, it was what drew me into the show over the years..
It was never the storyline of a plane full of people shipwrecked on an island that captured me. It was having the TV on late at night, in the background, and watching temporarily while a character's past was explored. Then the story would move back into the present world, to explain how the past had affected that particular character's personality, morals or decisions.
The more I thought of it the more I realised, that quite simply point blank, I LOVE flashbacks. I started thinking of other shows and forms of media that I enjoyed. Angel, one of my all time favourite shows, had recurring flashbacks where we would see where Angel/Angelus, or one of the other vampires/demons first got their beginnings.
I would love those scenes, as they provided a view into a world that we weren't readily exposed to. We were only privy to the present world of Angel and his crew, and so being given a small window into his past world felt like a privilege. Understanding why certain present choices and actions were made, and how it related to the past, made everything gel together, and made the entire Angel-verse that much greater, unique and intricately involved.
Then I remembered my current obsession (and possibly long with-standing), the Twilight series, and how in Eclipse we are given Jasper's and Rosalie's back-stories; it gives us an understanding of why they are the way they are. I LOVED these parts, how whole chapters were devoted to these characters and their past lives, and the one thing I've kept saying to bestie Red (also a fellow Twilight obsess-ee), is how I really hope the movie version shows us these characters prior selves, and not just merely glosses over it, like some scenarios and story plots that we witnessed in the New Moon movie.
Even The Bold and the Beautiful (yes as daggy as it sounds but I hold no regrets for loving this show!) has flashbacks, often when a character is going through a particularly emotional moment, such as the experience of strong love or loss, and they start to "remember" the past, the good old times.... I love those moments! Yes, the moments they visualise are always things that actually happened in the shows history which played out on TV once upon a time, but still, looking at the past or being reminded of it is something I love in that ultimate daytime soap of soaps.
And all in all, this love of flashbacks I own lies testament to my love of psychology. It all makes sense really.
The flashbacks in mediums such as TV, film or books gives us a window into a world that we are not aware of, due to the nature of these mediums usually and in most cases exploring a story in the PRESENT. Seeing the past allows us as consumers of these mediums to understand why the characters we have grown to know and love are the way they are, and provides depth to the story so that we can better relate to the characters and scenarios we discover. The depth is needed; it helps us bond, attaches us to these stories and characters. We feel the characters and their lives and it becomes more real.
We see the transition: them= then ; them=now. We begin to analyse the process, however subconsciously, of how they came to be like THAT, and what was going through their minds when they did THAT. Because we start to understand their mind. And that makes them more real, then the medium itself.
I say we, when I really mean I :) However I think I'm not the only over-analytical mind out there.
In a nutshell? I love flashbacks in media. Because I love psychology.
As for Lost? I was never a Lost devotee. But having seen episodes here and there over the last 6 seasons, and then watching the final episode, however enlightened I may be it's still left me asking questions. So I'm going back to the very beginning!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dear: The Hoverer
Dear: The Hoverer
Could you please not hover over/beside/near/around the corner from me at work? It is really frustrating and puts me off my work duties, such as checking emails, surfing the net, reading blogs and other miscellaneous web-related activities.
It's not that I feel guilty doing things other than work: no, to the contrary, I am relaxing from all the pressure of work life, and giving myself a well-deserved break after killing myself to get all the schedules done for the day. So now I choose to rest and relax. Just as you seem to choose to hover annoyingly over me.
And pace. I don't know which is worse. When you hover I try to listen, perk my ears up, to try work out whether you are on my left or right, whether you are directly behind me watching me work, or only a few steps away, waiting and watching to catch someone, anyone, out of line.
When you pace, it is unexpected. You appear suddenly out of the corner, striding down the passageway towards me. And just when I think you're out of sight, I click my web browser window back to the main screen, only to have you unexpectedly turn back, coming the way you came from, leaving me to frantically rummage with my computer mouse to click to a work screen, in order to not make you suspicious of my work activities.
Because there is nothing suspicious. I am merely resting. Relaxing. Taking a break from the busy-ness and stress.
You make me stress more. So I must relax more. The more you hover and pace the more and longer I must relax. Because your annoying work habits prolong my rest. Really, it's true.
And I need to hide my activities from you. Because you are my Grand-Daddy Boss - only in the hierarchical sense, definitely not in the other sense, eeeeew, yuck! - and in the end, you are in charge.
So please go away. You are cramping my non work-related style.
Could you please not hover over/beside/near/around the corner from me at work? It is really frustrating and puts me off my work duties, such as checking emails, surfing the net, reading blogs and other miscellaneous web-related activities.
It's not that I feel guilty doing things other than work: no, to the contrary, I am relaxing from all the pressure of work life, and giving myself a well-deserved break after killing myself to get all the schedules done for the day. So now I choose to rest and relax. Just as you seem to choose to hover annoyingly over me.
And pace. I don't know which is worse. When you hover I try to listen, perk my ears up, to try work out whether you are on my left or right, whether you are directly behind me watching me work, or only a few steps away, waiting and watching to catch someone, anyone, out of line.
When you pace, it is unexpected. You appear suddenly out of the corner, striding down the passageway towards me. And just when I think you're out of sight, I click my web browser window back to the main screen, only to have you unexpectedly turn back, coming the way you came from, leaving me to frantically rummage with my computer mouse to click to a work screen, in order to not make you suspicious of my work activities.
Because there is nothing suspicious. I am merely resting. Relaxing. Taking a break from the busy-ness and stress.
You make me stress more. So I must relax more. The more you hover and pace the more and longer I must relax. Because your annoying work habits prolong my rest. Really, it's true.
And I need to hide my activities from you. Because you are my Grand-Daddy Boss - only in the hierarchical sense, definitely not in the other sense, eeeeew, yuck! - and in the end, you are in charge.
So please go away. You are cramping my non work-related style.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
M.I.A: A Poem
In light of the fact that I have been totally absent from blogging for what seems like forever, rather than chronicle the exciting and fantastic adventures of my everyday life in an effort to update the blog world, I decided to compose a poem.
Ahem.
The biggest news I have to share
Would be about our latest dare
We bought a block of land you see
A house to build upon will be
My Swedish friend came back to visit
(Odd to visit her home don't you think?)
Nonetheless we all had fun
And back in December she will come
Another friend of mine did wed
For 8 years now a life they'd shared
The day was great! we talked, laughed and danced
And took stupid photos 'til we pissed our pants
My cousin came from overseas
And I took her out to a Hens Night Party
We had good times, took heaps of shots
(Both alcoholic and photo sorts!)
On the work front, it has been flat out
Since our boss here decided to depart
But having returned from her South African cruise
All our worries have gone, and our blues
As for my dear cousin Legs' days
She's still planning her matrimonial ways
And she has been asking me for advice
To which I think it is really nice :)
My Bestie's boy, Wine we call him
some days are good, some are a whim
It's up and down, but generally I believe,
all of us are different - so accept it, PLEASE!
My overseas bestie is planning her return
A visit only (I know, I know)
Her sister is going through a pregnancy
And a doting aunty my friend will be!
We've had an invasion of disgusting pests
Portugese Millipedes - ugh (are they migrants?)
They come into the house and slide upon our floors
And we just pick them up and hurl them outdoors
A revelation it seems 'bout Ricky Martin
He prefers men - have I been dim?
My love for his music has kept me biased
But now I must accept his truth, not deny it
Speaking of which, went to see George!
Michael that is, of Wham! days - and oh Lord
He is a true talent, genius and a star
A musical legend he is by FAR
Some sad news of late from overseas
A cousin of mine met his fate unfortunately
He died before his time, a shock for all
But when you rise too fast, eventually you must fall
Still Twilight-ing, Eclipse I have read
Starting Breaking Dawn soon - and yes I do care
These books are addictive, they make me mad!
More often than not, I go from happy to sad
A positive spin on things I try to do
It keeps me sane and feeling brand new
It's important to focus on life's good things
Like love, health and happiness, and all else that it brings.
I think that sums up the last few months perfectly. At the time I felt there was really no way I could write a blog that measured up to the immensity of information and emotion of my last blog, regarding Richard Carlson's death. But time helps you think, move on, and think of things in perspective.
So, I re-introduce myself to you, as Miss S :)
Ahem.
The biggest news I have to share
Would be about our latest dare
We bought a block of land you see
A house to build upon will be
My Swedish friend came back to visit
(Odd to visit her home don't you think?)
Nonetheless we all had fun
And back in December she will come
Another friend of mine did wed
For 8 years now a life they'd shared
The day was great! we talked, laughed and danced
And took stupid photos 'til we pissed our pants
My cousin came from overseas
And I took her out to a Hens Night Party
We had good times, took heaps of shots
(Both alcoholic and photo sorts!)
On the work front, it has been flat out
Since our boss here decided to depart
But having returned from her South African cruise
All our worries have gone, and our blues
As for my dear cousin Legs' days
She's still planning her matrimonial ways
And she has been asking me for advice
To which I think it is really nice :)
My Bestie's boy, Wine we call him
some days are good, some are a whim
It's up and down, but generally I believe,
all of us are different - so accept it, PLEASE!
My overseas bestie is planning her return
A visit only (I know, I know)
Her sister is going through a pregnancy
And a doting aunty my friend will be!
We've had an invasion of disgusting pests
Portugese Millipedes - ugh (are they migrants?)
They come into the house and slide upon our floors
And we just pick them up and hurl them outdoors
A revelation it seems 'bout Ricky Martin
He prefers men - have I been dim?
My love for his music has kept me biased
But now I must accept his truth, not deny it
Speaking of which, went to see George!
Michael that is, of Wham! days - and oh Lord
He is a true talent, genius and a star
A musical legend he is by FAR
Some sad news of late from overseas
A cousin of mine met his fate unfortunately
He died before his time, a shock for all
But when you rise too fast, eventually you must fall
Still Twilight-ing, Eclipse I have read
Starting Breaking Dawn soon - and yes I do care
These books are addictive, they make me mad!
More often than not, I go from happy to sad
A positive spin on things I try to do
It keeps me sane and feeling brand new
It's important to focus on life's good things
Like love, health and happiness, and all else that it brings.
I think that sums up the last few months perfectly. At the time I felt there was really no way I could write a blog that measured up to the immensity of information and emotion of my last blog, regarding Richard Carlson's death. But time helps you think, move on, and think of things in perspective.
So, I re-introduce myself to you, as Miss S :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
News via Satellite
Initially, I was going to write a blog today about one of two things, of which were still undecided:
- the recent mosquitoes in our house replacing the spiders and moths
- all the annoying people in my life, including two new incidences that occurred overnight.
And I've been feeling sad, depressed, sorry for myself, frustrated, angry, hateful, confused, disenchanted, you name a negative emotion, I've felt it very recently.
I decided to try be pro-active just moments ago. I was going to do this last week and then I forgot, got sidetracked. So I decided to follow up on my prior plan. I did a google search just now on "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." It's a popular self-help book that I read years ago, by Richard Carlson. It was the first book of it's kind that I read, where I started to change, think more positive thoughts, and believe in the power of my thinking, way before The Secret.
As I started to view this website (at www.dontsweat.com) I noticed the main message was from his wife, Kristine. I was a bit puzzled, thinking, "isn't Richard the one with the positive messages and advice?" I simply thought she was writing an entry, and perhaps Richard's contributions were elsewhere in the site.
Then I read something she wrote, along the lines of 'if you had one hour to live, what would you do, Richard did this.'
Something started to become apparent in my mind. I glanced at the slideshow of pictures on the left of the screen, pictures of Richard and his family, suddenly viewing them as pictures from the past, not the present. I scrolled down and discovered the link "Richard Carlson Memorial Site."
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. As I continued to read Kristine's message, searching for any clue as to what made this horrible event happen, I found my answer.
Richard died 3 years ago, on December 13 2006, from a pulmonary embolism, as the plane he was in travelling to New York descended. I dont know that condition, but I read it as something in his head snapping as the pressure of the planes descent became too much.
As I continued to read throughout the site, and try get more information, I grew so sad. I was saddened by this sudden, unexpected news. His book was the first one that started to change my thinking. It really made an impact on me. I started to think differently, speak differently, make different choices for the better, all to better my life and the lives of those around me.
However, I was also saddened by myself. Here I was, whining and whinging about people in my life, upset by these little things, little events, when as Richard says in his book "Will this matter 100 years from now?"
No, it won't. But his passing may well.
I feel so stupid, so petty. And I am absoutely devastated. I'm at work and praying that no one sees the tears welling up in my eyes and threatening to spill over as I write this. Such a wonderful, inspirational man, so positive and well-intentioned, with such good in his heart, just.... gone.
His work made such an impact on me. And I was going back to it, going back to the beginning where it all began, searching for some guidance, some inspiration, when this. I just can't believe it.
It's common knowledge that illness or death can really put things in perspective for you. Nothing is truer for me today. I'm so upset by my recent actions, thought patterns, and general negative energy. Simultaneously I am making a concerted effort to change, and to look at everything in a new and positive light.
In Richard's legacy, I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore.
- the recent mosquitoes in our house replacing the spiders and moths
- all the annoying people in my life, including two new incidences that occurred overnight.
And I've been feeling sad, depressed, sorry for myself, frustrated, angry, hateful, confused, disenchanted, you name a negative emotion, I've felt it very recently.
I decided to try be pro-active just moments ago. I was going to do this last week and then I forgot, got sidetracked. So I decided to follow up on my prior plan. I did a google search just now on "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." It's a popular self-help book that I read years ago, by Richard Carlson. It was the first book of it's kind that I read, where I started to change, think more positive thoughts, and believe in the power of my thinking, way before The Secret.
As I started to view this website (at www.dontsweat.com) I noticed the main message was from his wife, Kristine. I was a bit puzzled, thinking, "isn't Richard the one with the positive messages and advice?" I simply thought she was writing an entry, and perhaps Richard's contributions were elsewhere in the site.
Then I read something she wrote, along the lines of 'if you had one hour to live, what would you do, Richard did this.'
Something started to become apparent in my mind. I glanced at the slideshow of pictures on the left of the screen, pictures of Richard and his family, suddenly viewing them as pictures from the past, not the present. I scrolled down and discovered the link "Richard Carlson Memorial Site."
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. As I continued to read Kristine's message, searching for any clue as to what made this horrible event happen, I found my answer.
Richard died 3 years ago, on December 13 2006, from a pulmonary embolism, as the plane he was in travelling to New York descended. I dont know that condition, but I read it as something in his head snapping as the pressure of the planes descent became too much.
As I continued to read throughout the site, and try get more information, I grew so sad. I was saddened by this sudden, unexpected news. His book was the first one that started to change my thinking. It really made an impact on me. I started to think differently, speak differently, make different choices for the better, all to better my life and the lives of those around me.
However, I was also saddened by myself. Here I was, whining and whinging about people in my life, upset by these little things, little events, when as Richard says in his book "Will this matter 100 years from now?"
No, it won't. But his passing may well.
I feel so stupid, so petty. And I am absoutely devastated. I'm at work and praying that no one sees the tears welling up in my eyes and threatening to spill over as I write this. Such a wonderful, inspirational man, so positive and well-intentioned, with such good in his heart, just.... gone.
His work made such an impact on me. And I was going back to it, going back to the beginning where it all began, searching for some guidance, some inspiration, when this. I just can't believe it.
It's common knowledge that illness or death can really put things in perspective for you. Nothing is truer for me today. I'm so upset by my recent actions, thought patterns, and general negative energy. Simultaneously I am making a concerted effort to change, and to look at everything in a new and positive light.
In Richard's legacy, I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fake Chicken makes me tired and my stomach bloated
Yes these are my sentiments hours after I''ve finished my bought-lunch at work. I should have known better: I was eyeing off that meat in the Thai Chicken sandwich, and I REALLY should have known better than to trust the guy behind the counter. Of COURSE he was going to praise it and say it was the best sandwich since sliced bread was invented. Oh well.
Perhaps it doesn't help that today is a 43 degree day, and every time I step out to have a break from work, I come back in minutes later feeling even MORE tired and deflated, as if the weekend's heat, busy-ness and lack of sleep wasn't enough on it's own.
In reference to some of the stuff I mentioned in my last blogs......
Well on Saturday my bestie Red ended up coming over, just a spur of the moment thing. It was nice and I guess showed me what I needed to see and feel, which is that she cares, irregardless of where she spent her New Years Eve. And there was no mention of her boy being upset at anything I may have said (!) so that was good.
Saw my extended family yesterday, inclusive of talk-too-much cousin AND Legs, closely followed by Fake, as always. It was deflating for me once again to see them together, knowing that everything I've done for Legs over the years, with all the help, assistance and guidance I've provided in all aspects of her life, not to mention the fun and adventures we've had, is overthrown by a meddling cousin who only wants to be her bridesmaid in order to get closer to her fiance/family/every male relative she has.
So, I felt a bit sad, but I take comfort in one thing my mum said, something I truly believe in: the truth will come out in the end. If a person has bad intentions, there is no need to become "justice" and lay the law down on them. The Universe will do that for itself.
I've trusted in the Universe before and it has not failed me. So I need to stay focused and just let things unravel in their own time.
Back to work.
Perhaps it doesn't help that today is a 43 degree day, and every time I step out to have a break from work, I come back in minutes later feeling even MORE tired and deflated, as if the weekend's heat, busy-ness and lack of sleep wasn't enough on it's own.
In reference to some of the stuff I mentioned in my last blogs......
Well on Saturday my bestie Red ended up coming over, just a spur of the moment thing. It was nice and I guess showed me what I needed to see and feel, which is that she cares, irregardless of where she spent her New Years Eve. And there was no mention of her boy being upset at anything I may have said (!) so that was good.
Saw my extended family yesterday, inclusive of talk-too-much cousin AND Legs, closely followed by Fake, as always. It was deflating for me once again to see them together, knowing that everything I've done for Legs over the years, with all the help, assistance and guidance I've provided in all aspects of her life, not to mention the fun and adventures we've had, is overthrown by a meddling cousin who only wants to be her bridesmaid in order to get closer to her fiance/family/every male relative she has.
So, I felt a bit sad, but I take comfort in one thing my mum said, something I truly believe in: the truth will come out in the end. If a person has bad intentions, there is no need to become "justice" and lay the law down on them. The Universe will do that for itself.
I've trusted in the Universe before and it has not failed me. So I need to stay focused and just let things unravel in their own time.
Back to work.
Friday, January 8, 2010
My ANGER Management - Part 2
Episode 3. One of the things I mentioned a few blogs ago, was the non-invite we received. This came (or should I say didn't come) from my bestie's boyfriend. Let's call her Red, and him, Wine.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
I love them both dearly, and it hurts me to say I've been disappointed, by them out of all people. The simple fact is, they organised a NYE without us, with ALL of Wine's friends, and when I asked what they were doing, Red was upset that they'd forgotten to invite us. I believe it was selfishness, on Wine's behalf, that prevented him from remembering us, because a good month to two months earlier, we were sitting near him and his friends as they discussed this NYE evening they were planning, and back then I didn't know it was NYE they were talking about, only when I 'd heard of their plans days after Christmas did I put two and two together.
Now, as for my bestie, Red, I know she can be forgetful. But then, the other night, as we were talking amongst a larger group of friends, I heard her say "you can't get everyone together." That just shits me because I heard Wine count off about a dozen other names that were there. Gee, funny that. I thought it was heard to get everyone together. Yet, all of Wine's friends were there. Hmmmm. Maybe something to do with being invited.
Yes I am very sour. For many reasons. Hubbie and I are always asking around, seeing who is doing what for NYE, yet somehow, other people (minus a few family members) always forget us. And then when you're forgotten from your own best friend..... It makes you feel sad.
On top of the fact that your best friend and her boyfriend, are now suddenly all bum-chummy with HIS best friend and girlfriend, and it's like "oh, sorry, do we move over now and get thrown in the gutter because there's someone new in town?"
Episode 4. Sigh. At the end of the day, it's fear. Fear of losing someone close. It's that fear that's brought about an increased anger towards Wine from me, and the other night, as he was giving my Hubbie shit, I, in a subtle however letting-you-know way, told him to back off. I just got pissed off. Don't you go stirring him, you don't have that right. You've diminished the value of our friendship by not giving us respect, don't go acting all male bonding and I-get-you, you-get-me back sorta way.
He was soooo silent towards me for the rest of the night, that I kinda felt bad, and then I was like, "why do I bloody have to speak, and piss people off?!" But they pissed me off first! It is so irritating. I wanted him to take it as a joke, and not hear me say it with venom and intention. But alas, it failed. I'm sure Red will tell him I was only joking. And I pray that's the case, as we don't need more drama to fuel our already-fiery friendship.
Episode 5. This is a big one. Connected to my wine-related blog from a while back, as it's this person's partner that is also contributing to my dismay.
Let us call them Mouth and Moody.
This is the worst one in fact. Because when it's got to do with someone in your family, in particular, someone in your Hubbie's family, it makes things that much harder to settle.
My ongoing problem with Mouth and Moody, which has significantly increased in scale from the moment they met my family, is that with Mouth, she:
talks about herself constantly, including bullshit stories like how many pieces of toast she had, etc
is selfish
competitive
is constantly comparing everything in her life to everyone else's
is always right
Moody is:
as the name suggests, VERY moody
is only in a good mood when it suits him
treats his family and extended family VERY well, but when it comes to his in-laws, is quite rude.
when generally talking or giving advice, comes across as arrogant, dogmatic and condescending
an all-round smart arse
"But at the end of the day, their heart is in the right place."
I say this sooooooooooo apathetically. Because, and this is my HUGE dilemma, just because a person is 'good' or has a 'good heart' or is generally 'well-intentioned,' and hey, let's even say not an axe murderer, it does not give them the right to treat others bad, or to think they are above everyone else and that they should ge given the green card to do or say anything that they please.
So, when in company, what do I do? I hear them. I see them. And internally I flinch and I vomit. I grimace and look away. I don't make eye contact and I've pulled away slightly, in order to avoid a confrontation. And I'm scared and worried and I feel sick, because all I can think about lately, is future confrontations. Because although these people are shitting me up the wall, and it's like clutching at straws to find a positive quality about them, I can't say anything. Because when it's not your family, there is an invisible line of stitchwork imposed just over your lips, that restricts you from saying anything bad about a family that's not yours. Someone within that family can say all they like, but you can not say boo.
There have been 2 separate occasions as of late, well, actually, 3, including last night, where I know my pulled-back behaviour has become apparent to them. And there are things they are saying, in reference to the importance of family, that I find quite ironic. Don't have to tell us to keep family close, when they are the ones who are pushing us away with their anti-social and negative behaviour. With people who can only see others faults, and not their own, I honestly don't know what the answer is. Where do you look to find the solution to a problem that doesn't seem to have any answers that don't include yelling, accusations and tears?
So as you can see, the last few months have made me angry and hostile towards many people in my life. And I honestly hate that. Because I'm not that person. I'm happy, and positive about life, and like having fun. I don't like to concentrate on bad news, I don't like to speak bad about others, I believe in Karma and the Universe's energy, which is why I focus on the good things. But lately that's all gone down the drain as I've become increasingly agitated.
So what do I do? Do I let my problems go, give them up and hope the situations come back to me all fixed, or replaced? Do I forget about it and just see what happens, watch how the events play themselves out? My fear of letting go and trying to forget about these episodes and subsequent people involved, is that I may just explode in the near future from confining these feelings of sadness, frustration, fear, disappointment and anger within me. If I don't let it out, how will it go away? Lately I'm loving work, because being immersed with it makes me forget about all these freaking annoying people in my life lately!
I'm being tested big time. It's what I do in this situation that will show what I'm made of. I need to think things through. It's gonna be a big weekend, however I think I will prescribe myself a solar relaxation session tomorrow afternoon, (otherwise known as sun tanning) and let the Universe work the rest out for me.
That will have to be my Anger Management Course for now. This may or may not be continued.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
My ANGER Management - Part 1
I think there's something wrong with me.
That's what I was thinking a few days ago. Lately, I find myself in situations where I am so irritated/frustrated/angry by something said to me (usually be someone close to me mind you) that I end up just spitting back evil words at them, only to later feel slightly regretful, and embarrassed. I'm afraid I'm going to alienate everyone close to me, and I don't know why I'm acting this way.
Episode 1. I think this whole WAVE of negativity began about a month ago, at my nephews birthday party. My sister had decided to do the whole invite family and friends thing, so there was about 40 to 50 people there, easy.
Half way through the day, my older cousin, also a stirrer and shit-talker, yet somehow still entertaining and fun to be around ( I know, right? ) started saying to me things like
"so when are you having a housewarming party?"
"I wish I had your address so I could come to your house,"
and house-related things like that. It sooooo upset me. Why you may ask. Well months ago I had given that same cousin as well as the rest of my extended family, Hubbie and mine's new address, telling everyone they were free to come over. As for the housewarming, well we're busy enough as it is, and seeing as we plan to buy a new house soon, we'd rather do a big housewarming in the new house, as it will undoubtedly have more room to accomodate.
He was saying all this in front of a few of us, and he sooo put me on the spot, I could have wrung his neck. I went to Hubbie later and said "I give you full permission to stir the f*&^ out of him, he is totally shitting me," and explained to me what my dear old cousin was up to this week. I decided I would try and ignore him, until again, maybe half an hour later, he brings it up again, saying it loudly so this time Hubbie hears as well. There's more of a group now.
Hubbie spoke up, saying "ooooh, that's dirty," referring to the fact that this cosuin had our address and despite that was making us feel snobbish, like we didn't want him over. I was getting so fired up, and, almost yelling, I announced loudly "Cousin, stop talking shit, stop stirring the pot because you know the truth," and left it at that. He didn't say a word after, he and his wife left soon after because I think he was highly intoxicated.
Episode 2. I mentioned my cousin almost-pretty-much asking me to be her bridesmaid, and then not speaking of it again? Yes, that was my cousin. To be absolutely honest, I never expected her to ask me. So I wasn't counting on it. But I have some unleashed anger when it comes to her. I love her dearly, (we'll call her Legs) we get along so well. But it frustrates me when she constantly bags another cousin of ours, because the other cousin (who we shall call Fake) has tried to crack onto her fiance (then her boyfriend), when she knew that Legs was with him. Legs boyfriend was honest enough to tell her that, and ever since then she's been cautious around Fake, but hasn;t confronted her. So a lot of the time I end up listening to Legs bag Fake about being, well Fake. Funnily, Fake likes to spend a lot of time around Legs now, not really having cared before. Funny that.
Anyhow, I've had a strained relationship with Fake myself, for years now. She hasn't bothered to come to any functions in the last 10 years, and when I do see her, (albeit rarely) we all put on appearances, but she never tries to talk to me or find out about me, even though I have with her in the past. So now I don't even look at her. And I play her game when it comes to her.
Why upset then? Well, even before Legs got engaged and at her sort-of-engagement-party asked me to be (actually, TOLD me to be) her bridesmaid, I had a birthday party.
That was my first post. My first blog. And within that rant about birthdays not being the same anymore, and people not caring, is my rant within a rant about 'some people' choosing to go to their enemies birthdays, over going to the birthday of those they care about.
Yes, Legs went to Fake's birthday over mine, and actually lied to me about it. She told me she was going to stay at home because she couldn't get a ride into the city to my birthday, but at the last second she messaged me (after I asked her why she couldn't drive in herself), telling me that she was in fact going to Fake's birthday, because it was a 'Big One' and she'd feel bad not going to it.
All this a day after she spent a good amount of time bagging about Fake.
Liars and two-faced people, I don't understand. I realise if she had told me the truth, I still would've been hurt. But I would've known she'd been truthful, rather than deceitful.
Like this, things as they were, I was just MAD. And we never spoke about it properly. And it's been stewing in me since. She's not a bad person. I know she didn't mean bad. But she's extremely gullible, and I have no doubt all Fake had to do was give her a bit of a guilt trip about it being her 'big birthday' and all (of course it goes along with Fake's plan to keep Legs close to her, and Legs' boyfriend too) and Legs swayed without realising it.
After Legs' sort of bridesmaid invitation to me, a week later, we all saw each other again, including Fake. Of course as previously mentioned, Legs didn't say a thing about bridesmaids, however Fake once again was hanging exceptionally close to Legs, asking her all wedding related things. And I think my blood possible ran old when I heard Fake giggle to Legs, amidst wedding talk "when you put me as bridesmiad just make sure you pick a cute guy for me."
In that instant, I did not want to be bridesmaid. In fact, I immediately decided that if she ever did decide to formally ask me to be apart of her wedding, I'd have to decline if that Fake cousin of ours was going to be a part of it. I'd have to stand up for what I believed in, and I strongly believed that that was wrong.
I know Fake was just saying stuff. Throwing in hints because yes, she does wanna get close to Fake's fiance and his side of the family (surprise, surprise! guess what Fake they've all heard about your reputation!) which is why she wants to be bridesmaid. Legs has been laying low since, I havent heard a thing from her since then. I know she's working out bridal party stuff, so I won't be bothering her, I'll give her the decency to make a decision on her own merits. I actually have a spectacular dress to wear so I won't be worried! But if Legs turns to me and says "I've chosen Fake as one of my bridesmaids....."
I may just slap her out of protest and tell her where to go.
That's my second bout of anger problems.
Episodes 3, 4 and 5 will come tomorrow.
That's what I was thinking a few days ago. Lately, I find myself in situations where I am so irritated/frustrated/angry by something said to me (usually be someone close to me mind you) that I end up just spitting back evil words at them, only to later feel slightly regretful, and embarrassed. I'm afraid I'm going to alienate everyone close to me, and I don't know why I'm acting this way.
Episode 1. I think this whole WAVE of negativity began about a month ago, at my nephews birthday party. My sister had decided to do the whole invite family and friends thing, so there was about 40 to 50 people there, easy.
Half way through the day, my older cousin, also a stirrer and shit-talker, yet somehow still entertaining and fun to be around ( I know, right? ) started saying to me things like
"so when are you having a housewarming party?"
"I wish I had your address so I could come to your house,"
and house-related things like that. It sooooo upset me. Why you may ask. Well months ago I had given that same cousin as well as the rest of my extended family, Hubbie and mine's new address, telling everyone they were free to come over. As for the housewarming, well we're busy enough as it is, and seeing as we plan to buy a new house soon, we'd rather do a big housewarming in the new house, as it will undoubtedly have more room to accomodate.
He was saying all this in front of a few of us, and he sooo put me on the spot, I could have wrung his neck. I went to Hubbie later and said "I give you full permission to stir the f*&^ out of him, he is totally shitting me," and explained to me what my dear old cousin was up to this week. I decided I would try and ignore him, until again, maybe half an hour later, he brings it up again, saying it loudly so this time Hubbie hears as well. There's more of a group now.
Hubbie spoke up, saying "ooooh, that's dirty," referring to the fact that this cosuin had our address and despite that was making us feel snobbish, like we didn't want him over. I was getting so fired up, and, almost yelling, I announced loudly "Cousin, stop talking shit, stop stirring the pot because you know the truth," and left it at that. He didn't say a word after, he and his wife left soon after because I think he was highly intoxicated.
Episode 2. I mentioned my cousin almost-pretty-much asking me to be her bridesmaid, and then not speaking of it again? Yes, that was my cousin. To be absolutely honest, I never expected her to ask me. So I wasn't counting on it. But I have some unleashed anger when it comes to her. I love her dearly, (we'll call her Legs) we get along so well. But it frustrates me when she constantly bags another cousin of ours, because the other cousin (who we shall call Fake) has tried to crack onto her fiance (then her boyfriend), when she knew that Legs was with him. Legs boyfriend was honest enough to tell her that, and ever since then she's been cautious around Fake, but hasn;t confronted her. So a lot of the time I end up listening to Legs bag Fake about being, well Fake. Funnily, Fake likes to spend a lot of time around Legs now, not really having cared before. Funny that.
Anyhow, I've had a strained relationship with Fake myself, for years now. She hasn't bothered to come to any functions in the last 10 years, and when I do see her, (albeit rarely) we all put on appearances, but she never tries to talk to me or find out about me, even though I have with her in the past. So now I don't even look at her. And I play her game when it comes to her.
Why upset then? Well, even before Legs got engaged and at her sort-of-engagement-party asked me to be (actually, TOLD me to be) her bridesmaid, I had a birthday party.
That was my first post. My first blog. And within that rant about birthdays not being the same anymore, and people not caring, is my rant within a rant about 'some people' choosing to go to their enemies birthdays, over going to the birthday of those they care about.
Yes, Legs went to Fake's birthday over mine, and actually lied to me about it. She told me she was going to stay at home because she couldn't get a ride into the city to my birthday, but at the last second she messaged me (after I asked her why she couldn't drive in herself), telling me that she was in fact going to Fake's birthday, because it was a 'Big One' and she'd feel bad not going to it.
All this a day after she spent a good amount of time bagging about Fake.
Liars and two-faced people, I don't understand. I realise if she had told me the truth, I still would've been hurt. But I would've known she'd been truthful, rather than deceitful.
Like this, things as they were, I was just MAD. And we never spoke about it properly. And it's been stewing in me since. She's not a bad person. I know she didn't mean bad. But she's extremely gullible, and I have no doubt all Fake had to do was give her a bit of a guilt trip about it being her 'big birthday' and all (of course it goes along with Fake's plan to keep Legs close to her, and Legs' boyfriend too) and Legs swayed without realising it.
After Legs' sort of bridesmaid invitation to me, a week later, we all saw each other again, including Fake. Of course as previously mentioned, Legs didn't say a thing about bridesmaids, however Fake once again was hanging exceptionally close to Legs, asking her all wedding related things. And I think my blood possible ran old when I heard Fake giggle to Legs, amidst wedding talk "when you put me as bridesmiad just make sure you pick a cute guy for me."
In that instant, I did not want to be bridesmaid. In fact, I immediately decided that if she ever did decide to formally ask me to be apart of her wedding, I'd have to decline if that Fake cousin of ours was going to be a part of it. I'd have to stand up for what I believed in, and I strongly believed that that was wrong.
I know Fake was just saying stuff. Throwing in hints because yes, she does wanna get close to Fake's fiance and his side of the family (surprise, surprise! guess what Fake they've all heard about your reputation!) which is why she wants to be bridesmaid. Legs has been laying low since, I havent heard a thing from her since then. I know she's working out bridal party stuff, so I won't be bothering her, I'll give her the decency to make a decision on her own merits. I actually have a spectacular dress to wear so I won't be worried! But if Legs turns to me and says "I've chosen Fake as one of my bridesmaids....."
I may just slap her out of protest and tell her where to go.
That's my second bout of anger problems.
Episodes 3, 4 and 5 will come tomorrow.
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