The peculiarity of symmetry

Prior to this my current employer, I used to work in a shop. Back in 2006, at the end of that year as I was approaching my almost 4 years of working there, my work colleagues and I were hotly contesting the latest work issue: The upcoming Christmas Party.

I had been to three Christmas parties up until then from the time I'd been there, and it appeared there was to be no more, with rumours rife that management had decided only Managers and Full-Time workers of all their shops were invited to that years party, leaving out the part-time workers and casuals. I was a casual, and almost every person in that shop was too, bar the manager and her assistant. The majority of the company was the casuals, so we considered it to be a major slap in the face.

It turned out to be true, and when we spoke to employees at other stores, they too confirmed the same rumour we'd heard.

Meanwhile, our manager was working on some damage control. She was trying to keep us from revolting against management, while at the same time sweet-talking the area manager into allowing us an invite to the Christmas party. She believed we deserved the exception; we had won two awards over the past two years in our retail industry sector, and our stores sales were on the increase.

Finally, one day when the area manager came to visit us, our manager had her breakthrough. She'd convinced him, and he, in an ashamedly-but-chuffed-that-she-was-flirting-with-him way, said we could come.

We were allowed to go to our Christmas party.

Our manager was rapt. She announced to us all that we should be grateful that he was allowing us, the only casuals out of all the shops, the opportunity to attend. We should thank him, and go to the Christmas party.

I am not a freaking pitiful charity case.

I didn't do or say anything then (because it'd all been said and done between us the casuals previously), but I felt like sticking up my finger to them and telling them to stick it. I should be grateful? Really? For your initial refusal to accept us as important members of your team, for all the shit jobs we do and customer pressure we put up with? For all those Saturdays we go without proper lunch breaks or any breaks because we're understaffed yet snowed under in constant work due to high demand? For choosing to only pay attention to customers complaints and threaten our job dismissal without talking to us first? (oh yeah, that's a whole other story).

I didn't go to the party that year. I actually had a ticket out of it, because I had another engagement, and so that's all I said to my manager. I don't think many of the casuals went, a lot of us had already decided it was a lost cause.

Fast forward to yesterday, October 2011. I am approaching my fourth year here at my current employer. I have been to all three Christmas parties since starting work here. Also, over the last few weeks, there have been rumours that this years Christmas party was going to be held at the company's cafe. The small little cafe, meant to house 400 of the buildings employees, rather than hire out a proper venue like every other year. And, wait for it - the company has this year achieved some of its greatest success to date, in many of their profit sectors.

Yesterday we received an email from one of the top-dogs. He repeated the above: that we had had a magnificent year and achieved success in a variety of their avenues.

HOWEVER

with all of these successes, they had reached some difficult financial times, and as a result, the NETWORK CHRISTMAS PARTY WAS CANCELLED.

We all sat at our computers, mouths gaping as we read the email.

Just letting you know that our company is big. REALLY big.

The last part of the email read that several management heads were not going to accept this, and were so going to organise their own version of a Christmas party for us, with further details to follow in the coming week.

So in other words, they were going to pay out of their own budget or wallets for all of us. That is respectful. The part preceding it was not.

So, pretty much, this massive company that I work at is saying that THEY HAVE NO MONEY. Really, that's what it comes down to. They have enough when they have to 'buy out' people, pay them enormous salaries, anything to attract attention or increase their wealth through huge financial risk.

Yet for those people who come to work every day and make them a success, they have NO MONEY.

That is disappointing. That is sad. That is greedy.

This year we're on top and yet this is how we're treated. We won't be on top every year. What will happen then? They'll take away the coffee machine, start charging us to use the toilets and make us bring in our own milk?

They should be ashamed of themselves.

Most of us in our department are leaning towards a boycott of the whole event, preferring to get together at a bar and have our own little Christmas party.

And as I pondered all this yesterday, I couldn't help but link up all the circumstances, events, people and years to see some interesting connections developing.

I have to wonder whether this is another sign that there is change near. This has given me even more ammunition to achieve my dream. As I write my 11th chapter, drawing ever so closer to the completion of my book, I wonder whether there is something such as a 5 year itch.
Whether you call it an itch, history repeating itself or simply fate, whatever it is, there is no denying, there is something happening in the air......

I just got goosebumps.

Driving in my Dreams

I've had a few things on my mind as of late (as always) but after waking up yesterday morning with the memory of my dream so fresh in my mind, I just had to get it out there.

I had a dream about my dream car: the Nissan 370Z. Yes, it is my dream to have this car, but it will not remain one, because the wish will come to fruition, 'til the day that it is in fact a reality.

It was such a weird dream because I wasn't driving the car, it was Hubbie. It's funny, because in the dream it was a manual, and although my current car is auto and I've never driven anything but, Hubbie and I have spoken about the day when I do get it, that I will get it manual and learn how to drive. That's because the only way to have that car is as a manual. And so in the dream he was driving it because I still didn't know how to drive manual. Although at one point in the dream Hubbie did ask me to hold the wheel for him, hmmmmmm I wonder what that could mean......

And to make it more weird, the car had a back seat, with 2 random men in it. 1, the car doesn't actually have a back seat, (although sometimes I wish it did, so it would make me feel less bad about having a car that only seats one other person at a time!) and 2, the men seemed to me to be some kind of business people? Weird.

What was completely realistic though was that we all went shopping (random business guys included) and I bought a lot of clothes before we went off driving again. I love shopping. So that part of the dream is totally believable.

And you know when you wake up, and it feels like you've just finished dreaming that dream? So all the details are still fresh in your mind, so you feel like you can just fall asleep again and gently slip into the drivers seat..... or passengers seat as was my case.

Ahhhhh, 370Z, how I love you so.

THIS PHOTO IS NOT MY PROPERTY, DOES NOT BELONG TO ME IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.

Oh, and the car in my dream was a convertible, the roadster version, as above. In real life, I sorta don't care, I'll take any model really if someone hands it to me :)

Happiness Is.... #5

Happiness Is....

Shopping with your best buddies. Walking around a shopping centre aimlessly, not necessarily buying anything but nontheless window-dreaming and thinking big. Talking about a random multitude of subjects because hey, that's what old friends do. They are never at a loss for words.

The conversation is about people, places, things; everything. Somehow it turns to books. And I say to Blonde teasingly, in reference to her inability to complete reading an entire book (she much rather prefers shopping) "When I finish my book, Red can read it and then tell you all about it."

I say this quite seriously even though I'm teasing. I'm under no false pretences about her choice of activites. I'm giving her a 'get out of jail free' card.

Immediately she turns to me: it's an instantaneous reaction. "No, I'M going to read it!" I laugh.

A few minutes pass before I realise how valuable her reaction to my statement was. I tell her and we laugh again.

I love it. I love my friends. Red and Blonde are the best. Their support to me in my creative endeavours is incredible. I love them for wanting to read my book because they want to. And I love them for wanting to read my book even more, even though it may not be the first preference of sparetime activity they would normally choose.

Cherish your true friends :)

The freaking pain of writing

So last night I had a complete nervous breakdown. For weeks now I haven't had the proper time to write. First it was my birthday, then the holidays, then more birthdays.... last night was the first night I was able to make myself commit again, as was per normal about a month ago.

Actually, I'd given myself the last 2 writing nights off, in my acknowledgement that I still had to drum up some ideas in order to be actually able to write something. No point in putting my fingers to the keyboard to just sit there staring blankly at the computer screen.

So last night, I sat on the couch next to hubbie as he was watching Family Guy and American Dad eps back to back. I was all prepared you see. Rather than lock myself in the study away from him, I wanted to stay close (awwwww!) and instead plug in my ipod to some classical music so that the distracting Peter Griffin and Stan Smith didn't get in the way of my creative processing thoughts.

So I got organised: I downloaded some Beethoven and got going.

You know that really well-known Beethoven symphony? I think it's symphony no. 5 or 7. Well that's the one that started on my ipod playlist. Really stirring, loud. Maddening. Sitting there on the couch next to hubbie, with flashes of animation passing in front of my eyes, exceptionally loud Beethoven blasting into my ears, and me, Miss S trying to get back into the writing habit, willing my creative thoughts to work, was the scene last night. It didn't take long 'til I went insane.

Then another symphony came on. A slow, sad one. Good. The feel of the beginning of my chapter 10 is a frustrating one, so maybe this sad music could help, I thought. A few more sad symphonies went by. More flashes of animation before my eyes. Bits and pieces of the Griffin family voice seeped their way into my earphones during the slow lapses of music in Beethoven's sad songs. I turned up the volume, only to have to turn it down again quickly when the music suddenly dipped up.

After 5 minutes I realised my fingers were more on my ipod then on the freaking keyboard.

I managed to write about 2 paragraphs. I was getting so frustrated, when a chirpy symphony began. And it really pissed me off. Yes it wasn't sad and depressing, yes the music filled up my ears with sound so that I could block out any remnants of noice from Family Guy, but it didn't match the mood of my chapter! And because it wasn't matching, it was completely screwing with my thoughts.

I sat there, silently stewing for a few moments, then ripping the earphones out, got up and left. I went into the bedroom and sat there with the door closed, where for half the time I managed to write another paragraph, and the other half I bawled my eyes out crying.

It was so frustrating. I was trying to find ways to write, and yet in my efforts to write contentedly sitting next to Hubbie, I had instead failed miserably. I couldn't do it, distractions were all abound. Hubbie came up and tried to comfort me, and his efforts somewhat paid off. But when he asked me to let it go for the night and leave the writing 'til tomorrow, when my head was more clear, I couldn't help bawling again.

And then I realised what it was. It wasn't so much the distractions. It was the fact that I was confused. I had a really bad case of writer's block. This whole time I hadnt been writing, I had put it down to lack of time. And now, when I had the time, I still couldn't write. It was me. I wasn't working properly.

It's not that the words wouldn't come to me, more that the idea and where I want to go in the last part of the story is still one great big muddle of mud. Knowing that I'd skipped the last 2 sessions, along with the knowledge that I was already 9 hours behind in writing time that I still had to make up, was placing an enormous amount of stress on me. I just couldn't take it.

I found some inspiration in a writing book I have though. On a section about when writing gets hard, it says that there are 2 reasons why writing gets hard. Either you don't believe in what you're writing about anymore. Or, you don't know what to write, and this is the time to persist because a breakthrough is near. Like I said to hubbie last night, I really hope this is the latter case for me.

So I'm just gonna have to persist. Write down ideas, brainstorm, try to link things up. Stare at my words, make songs up about the chracters, anything, just until a few pieces click together and bang! it's there.

Maybe I need to change my approach, or try from a different angle, I'm not sure. What I do know is that I always knew this wasn't gonna be easy, and I'll be damned if I'm giving up now.

Giving up? Sorry, I'm not familiar with that expression......

And now to counter this verbally abusive post to the bitch known as writing, I will give you some Happiness :)

Three's a Crowd

This post I have to write in complete metaphor. The reason being, that I'm too ashamed to even write it with the pseudonym names I have on this blog. So here goes.

Let's say that there's a park. This park is the best. It's been your favourite park for a really long time. You see this park often. You go there when it's sunny and relax on the park benches as the warm rays soak into you. You escape there when it's windy, inside the massive and comforting gazebo. You even have a secret little tree, with its wide-reaching branches that protect you from the coldest rain. No matter what the weather, this favourite park is always there for you.

As life goes on, and you ponder the meaning of life, you begin to think about this park. You love the park, and will always love it. However you are open to exploring other parks, and begin to see the heightened beauty of another park that you have always walked past to get to your favourite park. Let's call this other park park B.

Park B has other beauties that you appreciate. When the suns rays stream down onto the park bench you sit at there, the warmth is so strong that you immediately see the reddening on your skin. It too houses protection from the elements, and though it has no gazebo to keep you safe from the cold days, it has some nice feathery trees that keep you protected enough when the weather turns chilly. You don't mind this compromise, because of the intense heat you get whilst sitting there.

Park B also fits in with your preferred lifestyle. You find yourself getting colder each day, and yearn for the powerful heat you get from that park, even if it means getting stuck there during a cold spell and suffering slightly because you don't have as much protection as you do from your first park. You still love the first park; of course, it will always be your first proper and favourite park; yet you wonder whether over the coming years, you will start to wane away from it, and visit Park B more often, slowly edging away from the park that used to be your only one.

You're excited by the warmth you receive from Park B. You start to imagine the future and all the possibilities you have in visiting this park, and create fantasies where you are visiting Park B, and receiving all the beautiful warmth you can possibly dream of.

Just when you think things are going fantastic, when you think nothing could possibly change your feelings towards Park B, something happens. You walk to Park B one day and find someone sitting on your park bench. The one you thought was reserved for you and only you. Sure, parks are public places, and anyone can come and visit any park they choose. But something about the way the sun's rays hit this person as they sit on your supposed park bench, unsettle you. The way the park's trees sway in accordance to the soft wind, and the tree branches bend so that this person on your park bench can get the ultimate sun impact. And what a glorious sun they are getting. The warmth shining on their face is almost blinding.

You walk away, disheartened. Things suddenly appear different. Cold and confused, you wrap your arms around you; you realise you've been wearing lighter clothes.

You begin to think of your first park. The one and only park. It needs no other name to describe it. Yes, that park housed many a people who ventured into it. But it always seemed to hold a special place for you. It never favoured anyone else, or made anyone feel as comfortable there as it did with you. It kept you warm, and most importantly, kept you protected from every single element that dared to disturb your splendour. And it was waiting for you to come back all along.

You walk to your first park, guiltily. You feel ashamed. You look at your park, and know that your park knows. Your park knows where you've been. It's aware of your recent feelings, and knows that you've been visiting Park B more and more as of late.

You smile at the park and walk over to your park bench. Here, the park's branches move so that the sunlight that streams down on you is the best there that you can get. Sure, it's not blinding. But blinding isn't always good. Sometimes blinding can be too much.

You settle into the bench, close your eyes, and allow the park to love you as it always has.


Afterword

This is definitely not about Hubbie. I love him more than ever and this is definitely not about our relationship.

What I will say though is that there is a moral to this story: The grass is always greener in your park. Don't forget this.

Movie Moments

The above is what I'm trying my best to focus on in my return back to work today after 2 weeks.

Like I've previously blogged, many many posts ago, it felt not only weird to be back at work today but also depressing. I know the first day back is always difficult, and it takes a while to get back into the everyday routine.
But I've had such a good time while on leave with Hubbie. Not just good, but great, brilliant, fantastic, fun, every wonderful and heart-warming, good times-explosive word you can imagine.

And it's not even like we went away very far, or for very long. Yes, we went away for a few nights for my birthday, with the rest of the time spent furniture/home furnishing shopping, whilst drinking coffees, going out to brunches and dinners, and going out heaps with our family and friends, with a good dose of drinking and partying to make things that extra bit awesome.

Having the time off with Hubbie was absolute bliss. We haven't had this much time off together since our honeymoon. And it was tooooooo good. Which is why I felt so depressed this morning.

Things did seem a bit weird, a bit off around the office this morning, however I can't quite put my finger on what the changes are, because everything looks the same. Except for the printer, that is different.

Again, in light of these strong feelings, my resolve to write and be my own boss is stronger than ever. Although I had a bit of writers block last week (is it writer's block when you can't find ideas, or you can't find the right words? Maybe both) I know I need to finish this story (I've finished chapter 9) and after finishing it, keep ON writing to develop more books, as not writing would be like killing these characters off in my head. And they definitely have a story that needs to be heard.

Also, coming back to work to learn that once again

hey you! yes you! you are going to be in charge again while your boss is away! YAY!

is not exactly love inducing. I wanted to come back to work and have it be all cruisy because I'm still in freaking holiday mode. I have my brother-in-law's birthday tonight, my bestie Blonde is visiting again from the U.S, and I want to ease into this thing. But no. Work has other plans doesn't it. And not only that, but people have to snap at me too, don't they, just for fucking asking questions and doing my job as opposed to slacking off and counting down the seconds like the complete idiotic incompetent wankers that they are (ahem, cough* no-show boy).

So, here I sit, breathing deeply, and thinking of my book. Of my success. How all this bullshit is going to make it so much more worth it one day.

I think back to brunch with my friends yesterday. Talking to Red about her engagement plans on the busy street sidewalk, while Blonde and our other friends wave at us through the shop window, pointing at bags and accessories. I think of Blonde walking up to us and enveloping us in a big group hug.

I think of Hubbie. My everything. I think of us walking around in random circles in over-commercialised shopping centres, drinking expensive coffee and getting excited about practically everything, all the while trying to focus on buying things for the home while getting constantly sidetracked from our over-hyped, caffeine-induced states. And then buying really expensive things at the drop of a hat just because we can :)

Those are the movie moments.

I think of lying across Hubbie and staring up at him, and this I struggle to think of in fear of tears trickling down my face, because I miss that so much. Yes I have that still, but I want it every day, not just end of day when we're all over the routine and work of life, tired and crap.

So that's why I've got to focus and push past the writer's block. Because I want it all. I can have it all, I know I can.

"Me, I want what's coming to me. The world Chico, and everything in it." - Tony Montana, Scarface.

Engagements and Weddings are coming out of my ar - .... ahem, behind

I couldn't sleep last night, lying in bed for a whole 2 hours after turning off the lights. It may have been the two coffees I had yesterday, or the fact that I slept in because we had a massive Saturday night.
Or it could have been because I was counting all the upcoming engagements and weddings we have coming up.

It's all very exciting, I must admit. In the past when we've had weddings/engagements galore, it's generally been more of Hubbie's extended family, and so although we've enjoy ourselves like we always do at parties and stuff, it is nothing compared to when you are supertight with the people there.

A month ago a close friend called to tell me she's engaged, and only a week ago Red called on her return from a holiday with Mr Wine to tell me he'd proposed. I was screaming into the phone and trying to hold back tears of happiness. SOooooooooooooooo happy :-D :-D :-D

Last night Hubbie and I were on the couch, when his best mate started messaging him. Turns out his wife's bro is getting married, and the girl is also extended family from Hubbie's side. We know the couple from both ends! That is also super-duper exciting, as we get along really well with Hubbie's best mate and wife, and we can't wait to party it up with them at the wedding.

So last night instead of counting sheep, I was counting all the weddings and engagements we have coming up. Here it is:

Red's engagement in September
My other friend's engagement in October
Definite wedding in late October - friend from school.

Those are the definites. The maybe's:

Hubbie's best mates wifes bro - maybe engagement this year
Another family member on Hubbie's side - maybe wedding later this year
Then I have 2 cousins, both who are getting married, but I don't know when = 2* possible weddings later this year.

THEN:

Next May is definitely my other friend's wedding.
Red is thinking early 2013 for her wedding.
And of course any maybe's that didn't follow through this year, including Hubbie's best mates wife's bro who will most likely get married in the following year.

Phew! So many maybe's it's doing my head in,. What I do know is there are going to be a lot of engagements and weddings in the next couple of years. Who am I kidding, when the engagements and weddings stop, the christenings and 1st birthdays begin........

:-D