"You left my house before I could cut you more carrots!" I cried into the mobile to Blonde last night.
And we both LOLOL-ed.
Friday, August 20, 2010
So EXCITED!!!! I think I might spontaneously combust
For more than one reason.
Firstly, my initial feeling of combustion comes from the very good news that Hubbie is picking up our wedding video today!
YAY!
It has been a year and 3 months-ish in waiting, and my gosh, although I KNEW that this dude was gonna take long editing the video, and I TRIED to be patient, it was really, really hard.
So the fact that at 11am today Hubbie had an appointment to see him, and now as I'm writing this it is precisely 11.26am, I am getting very squirmish, constantly looking at my mobile while at work, and waiting for that all important message to say "we've got it."
I've made Hubbie promise not to watch it until we watch it together. This will prove very hard for him for 2 reasons:
A: He is currently on leave, and has the whole day off while I'm at work.
B: We can't even watch it tonight, because I won't be home.
So he needs to keep himself from watching it 'til tomorrow morning, in the meantime with the full knowledge that he could watch it, as he has the WHOLE day off, and I wouldn't know.
It's very nerve-wracking for me, as I've begged him for the last few days since we found out we were getting it today, that he must not, under any circumstance, watch it without me.
I mean come on. I think that is relatively fair, given that it's our wedding video, that for the first time we should watch it together. He really didn't like this argument, and strongly opposed this idea at first, saying he should at least be able to watch the wedding morning at his house, and then we would watch the rest together.
But it just won't do! It won't be the same! I want us to be able to watch it for the first time together, and have it be a joint, loving, couple-y, together-ly thing we do because WE'RE married and it's our wedding video!
I don't think I'm being selfish. I don't think I'm asking for too much..... right?
No of course not. It's the video for goodness sakes. It's a BIG thing.
But generally, and overwhelmingly, it's exciting :-D I can't wait to see how our big day looks like on screen, and I really would like to remember more of the reception, as sooo much of that night is such a blur.
My second feeling of combustion comes from my girls :) My darling besties, Red and Blonde, of who I am going out with tonight. Blonde and I amongst others are going to watch Red perform in a dance concert, and then following that we're all going out to dance and drink and party:) Hence why Hubbie will be staring down the wedding DVD tonight while I'm out somewhere getting stupid.
Not in a bad way, but since Hubbie isn't coming, and since it's us '3,' I'm crossing my fingers that Red's boy, Mr Wine doesn't follow us out. He probably won't. Just because I can feel it being a really good girls night, and seeing as Blonde is going back to the U.S on Monday, this will be the last time we really get to party with her until who knows when she comes back again.
No boys allowed. Chicks only :)
LOL.
I will now go back to work and continue with my feelings of spontaneous combustion.
POP BANG POP BANG POP.
Firstly, my initial feeling of combustion comes from the very good news that Hubbie is picking up our wedding video today!
YAY!
It has been a year and 3 months-ish in waiting, and my gosh, although I KNEW that this dude was gonna take long editing the video, and I TRIED to be patient, it was really, really hard.
So the fact that at 11am today Hubbie had an appointment to see him, and now as I'm writing this it is precisely 11.26am, I am getting very squirmish, constantly looking at my mobile while at work, and waiting for that all important message to say "we've got it."
I've made Hubbie promise not to watch it until we watch it together. This will prove very hard for him for 2 reasons:
A: He is currently on leave, and has the whole day off while I'm at work.
B: We can't even watch it tonight, because I won't be home.
So he needs to keep himself from watching it 'til tomorrow morning, in the meantime with the full knowledge that he could watch it, as he has the WHOLE day off, and I wouldn't know.
It's very nerve-wracking for me, as I've begged him for the last few days since we found out we were getting it today, that he must not, under any circumstance, watch it without me.
I mean come on. I think that is relatively fair, given that it's our wedding video, that for the first time we should watch it together. He really didn't like this argument, and strongly opposed this idea at first, saying he should at least be able to watch the wedding morning at his house, and then we would watch the rest together.
But it just won't do! It won't be the same! I want us to be able to watch it for the first time together, and have it be a joint, loving, couple-y, together-ly thing we do because WE'RE married and it's our wedding video!
I don't think I'm being selfish. I don't think I'm asking for too much..... right?
No of course not. It's the video for goodness sakes. It's a BIG thing.
But generally, and overwhelmingly, it's exciting :-D I can't wait to see how our big day looks like on screen, and I really would like to remember more of the reception, as sooo much of that night is such a blur.
My second feeling of combustion comes from my girls :) My darling besties, Red and Blonde, of who I am going out with tonight. Blonde and I amongst others are going to watch Red perform in a dance concert, and then following that we're all going out to dance and drink and party:) Hence why Hubbie will be staring down the wedding DVD tonight while I'm out somewhere getting stupid.
Not in a bad way, but since Hubbie isn't coming, and since it's us '3,' I'm crossing my fingers that Red's boy, Mr Wine doesn't follow us out. He probably won't. Just because I can feel it being a really good girls night, and seeing as Blonde is going back to the U.S on Monday, this will be the last time we really get to party with her until who knows when she comes back again.
No boys allowed. Chicks only :)
LOL.
I will now go back to work and continue with my feelings of spontaneous combustion.
POP BANG POP BANG POP.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Great, thanks
So I did have a truly awesome birthday celebration in true Miss S extravaganza style. Sorry I should say celebrations.
I think my new age has brought with it a little bit more maturity. Although there were things that happened over my birthday weekend that would have normally upset me, that would have made me focus and concentrate on pesky miniscule non-issues, instead I've been trying, somewhat successfully, to let it all go, and just relax.
For example, my Friday night out. It only ended up being 7 of us in total. Despite several work friends saying they were coming, and despite my cousins Legs and Hair promising they would be there, as well as some other friends, none of the above mentioned came: work duties prevailed, tiredness, soreness and general lack of motivation. The 15-ish number I expected to come, halved.
I made a split decision in that moment on Friday night. Receiving those regretful messages on my mobile I thought "this is the moment that will create the rest of my night.... how will I respond to it?"
After a tiny bit of "ohhhhh" and disappointment, I decided to let it all go and focus on having an awesome night. And I did!
Similarly, when 2 of our closest friends couldn't make it to my house party on Saturday night, I did revert back to whingy, whiny unhappy 2-year-old tantrum Miss S: "But I don't want them to be sick! Why are they sick??"
But again, I put on my positive mask, and really, with the 20-odd people I had there that night, it really wasn't that bad losing 2, as we had our hands tied with everyone else. And it meant that our friends who missed it came by last night (resulting in a very late night I might add, yawn!) prolonging my birthday celebrations even FURTHER!
See, positive, positive? LOL.
It's so easy. So easy to just fall into that negative downward spiral. Especially when in the past year I've had people in my close circle of family and friends disappoint me in various ways. The best thing that has happened to me of late is the talk I had with my mum and my sister. I'm thinking of the words that my sister said to me, telling me that she's seen me so angry and negative, so tense and mad, and thought to herself that that's not me. I'd let myself turn into a person I'm not.
So now I'm focusing on the good, ol' Miss S.
Yes, I could choose to be upset about my cousins promising to come to my party, and then not following through. Rather than be upset, I should focus on the reasons why, and realise that no human is a superbeing. No one person can do everything at the same time, and expect to be everywhere at once. Their intention was there, despite their failing to show. And if I feel that I'm not as close to them as I used to be (and I do really feel that), well I should look at myself. I should look at what I can do for them, to show them I care. Which I will endeavour to do over the coming months.
As for work friends...... well, that's just the way it is. And although I didn't know how I was going to come back to work today after my week off, and whether or not I'd drop a comment like "no one from work came," when I came in, I saw that they actually looked like they cared about me! I mean my boss was really nice, all sorry about missing the night out, others were actively asking me about my birthday and my time off, I even had a birthday card on my desk from one of them, apologies from another...... and you know what? I thought to myself, if I had been in their position, of being invited to one of their parties with the probability that I may be the only one there amongst work friends.... I wouldn't have gone either.
I've come to the conclusion, that with work colleagues, it's fine to not see each other outside of work. As long as we're nice whilst at work, well I think that's all that really matters. We do get along. We just have different interests and friends outside of work, which makes perfect, complete sense. And I'm okay with that.
I think the whole key here, is when faced with such a problem, whether with a family member, close friend, or work colleague, whatever a person may be to you, is to ask yourself:
"what would I do in their position?"
"what can I do in our relationship to make this better?"
and most importantly, to not look at any issue in the upmost negative light. Rather than jumping the gun and going straight to the worst possible scenario, think of the more probable one.
If someone doesn't come to your party, it's not because they hate you; maybe they got tied up. Maybe they're tired. On the other side of town. They have a sore back. They don't wanna come alone. Explanations like that are so much more easier to deal with, for mind, body and spirit.
I think the worst thing is to feel like you're entitled, like you're owed something. No one owes you anything. You will only get things from putting work into it. And unless you look at what you can do, all you will continue to get is the same negative feelings of "why didn't they/couldn't they/wouldn't they...."
your WHOLE life.
When I think about it (yes I am thinking A LOT lately) the 7 people I had on Friday night, coupled with the 20 on Saturday.... that's 27 people. 27 people who care for me, love me, and made the time and effort to see me for my birthday.
That's a lot. What are the statistics, something like having only 2 or 3 real friends in your whole life? I compare that with all the people I've seen this last weekend, and including our awesome buddies last night, and I can't help but smile. My statistics are awesome. Quality not quantity, remember?
There. Now I'm done with my little Dr Phil spiel. I think I'll go now and make some light-hearted convo with my work buddies.....
I think my new age has brought with it a little bit more maturity. Although there were things that happened over my birthday weekend that would have normally upset me, that would have made me focus and concentrate on pesky miniscule non-issues, instead I've been trying, somewhat successfully, to let it all go, and just relax.
For example, my Friday night out. It only ended up being 7 of us in total. Despite several work friends saying they were coming, and despite my cousins Legs and Hair promising they would be there, as well as some other friends, none of the above mentioned came: work duties prevailed, tiredness, soreness and general lack of motivation. The 15-ish number I expected to come, halved.
I made a split decision in that moment on Friday night. Receiving those regretful messages on my mobile I thought "this is the moment that will create the rest of my night.... how will I respond to it?"
After a tiny bit of "ohhhhh" and disappointment, I decided to let it all go and focus on having an awesome night. And I did!
Similarly, when 2 of our closest friends couldn't make it to my house party on Saturday night, I did revert back to whingy, whiny unhappy 2-year-old tantrum Miss S: "But I don't want them to be sick! Why are they sick??"
But again, I put on my positive mask, and really, with the 20-odd people I had there that night, it really wasn't that bad losing 2, as we had our hands tied with everyone else. And it meant that our friends who missed it came by last night (resulting in a very late night I might add, yawn!) prolonging my birthday celebrations even FURTHER!
See, positive, positive? LOL.
It's so easy. So easy to just fall into that negative downward spiral. Especially when in the past year I've had people in my close circle of family and friends disappoint me in various ways. The best thing that has happened to me of late is the talk I had with my mum and my sister. I'm thinking of the words that my sister said to me, telling me that she's seen me so angry and negative, so tense and mad, and thought to herself that that's not me. I'd let myself turn into a person I'm not.
So now I'm focusing on the good, ol' Miss S.
Yes, I could choose to be upset about my cousins promising to come to my party, and then not following through. Rather than be upset, I should focus on the reasons why, and realise that no human is a superbeing. No one person can do everything at the same time, and expect to be everywhere at once. Their intention was there, despite their failing to show. And if I feel that I'm not as close to them as I used to be (and I do really feel that), well I should look at myself. I should look at what I can do for them, to show them I care. Which I will endeavour to do over the coming months.
As for work friends...... well, that's just the way it is. And although I didn't know how I was going to come back to work today after my week off, and whether or not I'd drop a comment like "no one from work came," when I came in, I saw that they actually looked like they cared about me! I mean my boss was really nice, all sorry about missing the night out, others were actively asking me about my birthday and my time off, I even had a birthday card on my desk from one of them, apologies from another...... and you know what? I thought to myself, if I had been in their position, of being invited to one of their parties with the probability that I may be the only one there amongst work friends.... I wouldn't have gone either.
I've come to the conclusion, that with work colleagues, it's fine to not see each other outside of work. As long as we're nice whilst at work, well I think that's all that really matters. We do get along. We just have different interests and friends outside of work, which makes perfect, complete sense. And I'm okay with that.
I think the whole key here, is when faced with such a problem, whether with a family member, close friend, or work colleague, whatever a person may be to you, is to ask yourself:
"what would I do in their position?"
"what can I do in our relationship to make this better?"
and most importantly, to not look at any issue in the upmost negative light. Rather than jumping the gun and going straight to the worst possible scenario, think of the more probable one.
If someone doesn't come to your party, it's not because they hate you; maybe they got tied up. Maybe they're tired. On the other side of town. They have a sore back. They don't wanna come alone. Explanations like that are so much more easier to deal with, for mind, body and spirit.
I think the worst thing is to feel like you're entitled, like you're owed something. No one owes you anything. You will only get things from putting work into it. And unless you look at what you can do, all you will continue to get is the same negative feelings of "why didn't they/couldn't they/wouldn't they...."
your WHOLE life.
When I think about it (yes I am thinking A LOT lately) the 7 people I had on Friday night, coupled with the 20 on Saturday.... that's 27 people. 27 people who care for me, love me, and made the time and effort to see me for my birthday.
That's a lot. What are the statistics, something like having only 2 or 3 real friends in your whole life? I compare that with all the people I've seen this last weekend, and including our awesome buddies last night, and I can't help but smile. My statistics are awesome. Quality not quantity, remember?
There. Now I'm done with my little Dr Phil spiel. I think I'll go now and make some light-hearted convo with my work buddies.....
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
"Make sure I always drink 150 litres of water a day." "Okay."
Those were my whispery, pain-induced words, last night at 3am in the morning after I took 2 panadols to stop the jack-hammer that was forcing its way out of my head, crack by crack at a time.
Never mind the stomach cramps, no those were child's play compared to the head cracking.
It had been a long day. A hard, long day at times, towards the end though, it had actually turned out great. However most of the day I was all "Woe is me." I wasn't liking it one bit.
I spent a good majority of it whinging about all things surrounding my birthday.
I want lots of people to come out to the bar on Friday night.
I want lots of people to come out so it makes up for last years poor performance.
What about Saturday's party, will my cousins be upset I didn't invite them?
Will they see my facebook photos and be upset? Will it start a war?
Why haven't they come to my place yet?
Why should I throw an official party so they come?
Crying. Whinging. Depressed. Sobbing. Just all round down, down, down.
I'd had some deep and meaningfuls with my mum and sister over the past 2 days. Although they meant well, those talks definitely contributed to my downfall in demeanour.
It happens every year. Every year, leading up to my birthday, something REALLY gets me down. Like clockwork something happens. I'm starting to think that it's because I put soooo much emphasis on my birthday, and I build it up and look forward to it so much that quite inevitably, the slghtest thing happens to trigger an onslaught of negative emotions. Either someone upsets me, I remember something bad (yes I get THAT sensitive), someone doesn't agree with me, etc, etc. And suddenly the tidal waves of tears crash down with fierce intensity.
Hubbie was awesome. After getting me to snap out of my stupid/sad/pathetic state, I slowly went through my bullshit arguments to try clear up all the sadness I was feeling overwhelmed by.
1. Who cares who comes on Friday night? I knew for a FACT that I would definitely be with Hubbie, Red, Blonde and Mr Wine. Our group would rock the joint and have the most fun ever! It's not the quantity of people, rather the quality.
2. As above, with the addition of, so what? The difference between this year and last, is I won't be holding on to expectations of waiting for people to turn up and make me happy. I'll be happy because I'll make the happiness.
3. No. Firstly, because our house doesn't fit a million people, secondly, any cousins that I've called for Friday night will be called for Saturday, and thirdly, they themselves might even be otherwise engaged with the multitude of August birthdays that we have in our familial calendar!
4. No, because who doesn't come Friday, won't be called Saturday. And if they don't come Friday, most likely because they're busy Friday and/or Saturday.
5. Because they want a freakin' formal invite and the red carpet to be rolled out (hence the deep and meaningfuls before mentioned with Mum and Sister).
6. Because, at the end of the day, they do love me, they do care, and if they didn't they wouldn't have showered Hubbie and I with so much love, affection and presents as they did on the events leading up to our wedding day, including the big day.
Ok, so the last 2 points weren't entirely related to the birthday topic, but they did prove a point of confusion for me yesterday.
So I eventually got better-er, saw Blonde, Red and friends again last night for a catch-up (after seeing Blonde after her flight back here on Sunday).
However my new-found joy didn't help the fact that in the midst of my rage-fuelled depression during the day, and contributing-developing stomach cramps, I had failed to drink enough water. I had in fact, drank very little water, and that coupled with the fact that I had cried a few oceans, left me as dry as a desert.
Bringing us back to the post title. Lying in bed after taking my drugs, I was trying to keep myself very still in order to keep my head from throbbing so much. Every movement brought with it more pain. I'd never experienced anything like it. I'd never really had headaches, EVER until perhaps the age of 18 onwards, and even then I'd say "my head hurts" instead of "I have a headache," because it didn't seem so bad. And I soon learnt that I only got them (however rarely) when I didn't drink enough water.
Usually sleep washes it away. I wake up all refreshed and the 'hurt' is gone. I know drinking water isn't enough, especially at that late stage, so sleep is really the best medicine. But it clearly wasn't enough last night. I fell asleep and found myself tossing and turning, for 3 hours, until I reached such a painful point that I was mercifully thrown from my half-asleep stupor into full consciousness, whining, whispering "I have such a headache."
And then, while I waited for the wonderful drugs to kick in, I let Hubbie know, whimpering, in my struggling, agonised tone of voice,
"Make sure I always drink 150 litres of water a day."
"Okay." he whispered back.
(P.S My Birthday Extravaganza is gonna be Awesome!)
Never mind the stomach cramps, no those were child's play compared to the head cracking.
It had been a long day. A hard, long day at times, towards the end though, it had actually turned out great. However most of the day I was all "Woe is me." I wasn't liking it one bit.
I spent a good majority of it whinging about all things surrounding my birthday.
I want lots of people to come out to the bar on Friday night.
I want lots of people to come out so it makes up for last years poor performance.
What about Saturday's party, will my cousins be upset I didn't invite them?
Will they see my facebook photos and be upset? Will it start a war?
Why haven't they come to my place yet?
Why should I throw an official party so they come?
Crying. Whinging. Depressed. Sobbing. Just all round down, down, down.
I'd had some deep and meaningfuls with my mum and sister over the past 2 days. Although they meant well, those talks definitely contributed to my downfall in demeanour.
It happens every year. Every year, leading up to my birthday, something REALLY gets me down. Like clockwork something happens. I'm starting to think that it's because I put soooo much emphasis on my birthday, and I build it up and look forward to it so much that quite inevitably, the slghtest thing happens to trigger an onslaught of negative emotions. Either someone upsets me, I remember something bad (yes I get THAT sensitive), someone doesn't agree with me, etc, etc. And suddenly the tidal waves of tears crash down with fierce intensity.
Hubbie was awesome. After getting me to snap out of my stupid/sad/pathetic state, I slowly went through my bullshit arguments to try clear up all the sadness I was feeling overwhelmed by.
1. Who cares who comes on Friday night? I knew for a FACT that I would definitely be with Hubbie, Red, Blonde and Mr Wine. Our group would rock the joint and have the most fun ever! It's not the quantity of people, rather the quality.
2. As above, with the addition of, so what? The difference between this year and last, is I won't be holding on to expectations of waiting for people to turn up and make me happy. I'll be happy because I'll make the happiness.
3. No. Firstly, because our house doesn't fit a million people, secondly, any cousins that I've called for Friday night will be called for Saturday, and thirdly, they themselves might even be otherwise engaged with the multitude of August birthdays that we have in our familial calendar!
4. No, because who doesn't come Friday, won't be called Saturday. And if they don't come Friday, most likely because they're busy Friday and/or Saturday.
5. Because they want a freakin' formal invite and the red carpet to be rolled out (hence the deep and meaningfuls before mentioned with Mum and Sister).
6. Because, at the end of the day, they do love me, they do care, and if they didn't they wouldn't have showered Hubbie and I with so much love, affection and presents as they did on the events leading up to our wedding day, including the big day.
Ok, so the last 2 points weren't entirely related to the birthday topic, but they did prove a point of confusion for me yesterday.
So I eventually got better-er, saw Blonde, Red and friends again last night for a catch-up (after seeing Blonde after her flight back here on Sunday).
However my new-found joy didn't help the fact that in the midst of my rage-fuelled depression during the day, and contributing-developing stomach cramps, I had failed to drink enough water. I had in fact, drank very little water, and that coupled with the fact that I had cried a few oceans, left me as dry as a desert.
Bringing us back to the post title. Lying in bed after taking my drugs, I was trying to keep myself very still in order to keep my head from throbbing so much. Every movement brought with it more pain. I'd never experienced anything like it. I'd never really had headaches, EVER until perhaps the age of 18 onwards, and even then I'd say "my head hurts" instead of "I have a headache," because it didn't seem so bad. And I soon learnt that I only got them (however rarely) when I didn't drink enough water.
Usually sleep washes it away. I wake up all refreshed and the 'hurt' is gone. I know drinking water isn't enough, especially at that late stage, so sleep is really the best medicine. But it clearly wasn't enough last night. I fell asleep and found myself tossing and turning, for 3 hours, until I reached such a painful point that I was mercifully thrown from my half-asleep stupor into full consciousness, whining, whispering "I have such a headache."
And then, while I waited for the wonderful drugs to kick in, I let Hubbie know, whimpering, in my struggling, agonised tone of voice,
"Make sure I always drink 150 litres of water a day."
"Okay." he whispered back.
(P.S My Birthday Extravaganza is gonna be Awesome!)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Obnoxiously CHOMPing Chips
Yes, the above is TRULY possible.
Yesterday I had to take the train home from work, and although I thought I may have been running a little late in getting to the train station on time, I actually made it there closely approaching the 5:45pm arrival of my train.
And lo and behold, as I walked down the stairs to the platform, I saw the monitor, displaying a totally different train arriving, rather than my train.
I looked at my watch, and saw it was 5:45 on the D-O-T.
Not happy Jan.
So the train had arrived and left earlier than scheduled? That's not fair, that's like cheating! You can't have a train arrive and leave earlier than scheduled. Commuters plan their whole days around public transport, and if they miss their transport because it's left earlier, well..... GRRRR! NOT FAIR!
Yes they may leave late. That's allowed in public transport land. Just not too late. At least a late train means that commuters won't be in any danger of missing their travel appointments.
All this, plus extreme anger and frustration was what I was feeling, as I made my way to my regular spot along the platform to wait, for the next train, in 16 MINUTES.
And then 2 obnoxious nobs came along, chomping chips.
The first sign of their extreme obnoxiousness was the way they were eating their potato chips. I didn't turn to look at them, but from where they were beside me, I could hear the crunching, LOUD.
Then, Nob number 1 opened his mouth, and confirmed it all for me.
"There's so many people around, it's like a herd of cattle."
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
"Notice how everyone is like, in black?"
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
Only silence from his friend, as his friend was too busy CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP-ing too.
Wow Einstein. You have made the most extraordinary of observations. Yes Genius, there ARE a lot of people, maybe because it is peak hour, and it seems a train has left too early, leaving out hundreds of commuters who were counting on it to arrive on time!
And we're in black, because we have black coats, because it's winter, it's generally common, and it's freakin' depressing!
I don't know WHY I felt the need to explain myself to him in my head, but his random observations (!) were so madly pointless, that it infuriated me to the core. I almost expected him to pipe up next with "gee, look at all the train tracks, must be for some trains."
Duh. Stupid bogan.
And the CHOMP-ing. It was so annoying. Every CHOMP wound me up tighter and threw me more and more into a state of agony. I was sure they were eating, sorry, CHOMPING, with their mouths open, that's how loud it was. If I had turned my head to look at them, I'm sure I would have seen specks of chips flying out of their mouths, like cannons out of a rocket.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. Like they didn't care about the late trains. Or the rain outside. Or the fact that their disgusting open-mouthed CHOMPing was rude, disrespectful and....obnoxious.
I was sooooo going to walk to another part of the platform to escape their annoying-ness, when they miraculously moved away.
Thank you.
Oh yeah, it turned out my 5:45 train hadn't arrived AT ALL, due to some technical fault. In other words, the train system is SHIT.
In the words of the Buffy/Angel-verse: Grrrrr, Argh.
Yesterday I had to take the train home from work, and although I thought I may have been running a little late in getting to the train station on time, I actually made it there closely approaching the 5:45pm arrival of my train.
And lo and behold, as I walked down the stairs to the platform, I saw the monitor, displaying a totally different train arriving, rather than my train.
I looked at my watch, and saw it was 5:45 on the D-O-T.
Not happy Jan.
So the train had arrived and left earlier than scheduled? That's not fair, that's like cheating! You can't have a train arrive and leave earlier than scheduled. Commuters plan their whole days around public transport, and if they miss their transport because it's left earlier, well..... GRRRR! NOT FAIR!
Yes they may leave late. That's allowed in public transport land. Just not too late. At least a late train means that commuters won't be in any danger of missing their travel appointments.
All this, plus extreme anger and frustration was what I was feeling, as I made my way to my regular spot along the platform to wait, for the next train, in 16 MINUTES.
And then 2 obnoxious nobs came along, chomping chips.
The first sign of their extreme obnoxiousness was the way they were eating their potato chips. I didn't turn to look at them, but from where they were beside me, I could hear the crunching, LOUD.
Then, Nob number 1 opened his mouth, and confirmed it all for me.
"There's so many people around, it's like a herd of cattle."
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
"Notice how everyone is like, in black?"
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP.
Only silence from his friend, as his friend was too busy CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP-ing too.
Wow Einstein. You have made the most extraordinary of observations. Yes Genius, there ARE a lot of people, maybe because it is peak hour, and it seems a train has left too early, leaving out hundreds of commuters who were counting on it to arrive on time!
And we're in black, because we have black coats, because it's winter, it's generally common, and it's freakin' depressing!
I don't know WHY I felt the need to explain myself to him in my head, but his random observations (!) were so madly pointless, that it infuriated me to the core. I almost expected him to pipe up next with "gee, look at all the train tracks, must be for some trains."
Duh. Stupid bogan.
And the CHOMP-ing. It was so annoying. Every CHOMP wound me up tighter and threw me more and more into a state of agony. I was sure they were eating, sorry, CHOMPING, with their mouths open, that's how loud it was. If I had turned my head to look at them, I'm sure I would have seen specks of chips flying out of their mouths, like cannons out of a rocket.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. Like they didn't care about the late trains. Or the rain outside. Or the fact that their disgusting open-mouthed CHOMPing was rude, disrespectful and....obnoxious.
I was sooooo going to walk to another part of the platform to escape their annoying-ness, when they miraculously moved away.
Thank you.
Oh yeah, it turned out my 5:45 train hadn't arrived AT ALL, due to some technical fault. In other words, the train system is SHIT.
In the words of the Buffy/Angel-verse: Grrrrr, Argh.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Random Quote #1
Random quote of the night.
"I better plug in this computer before it shits itself."
I guess you just had to be there.
"I better plug in this computer before it shits itself."
I guess you just had to be there.
The Surprise in Me
Have you ever wondered to yourself, if you belong here?
I guess the answer to that might be along the lines of, "what do you define as 'here'?"
These funny thoughts of mine came as a result of Friday night. In the midst of my work marathon (BTW, 8-2 today!) I went out for some work drinks as part of a catch up we had organised with a former work colleague who is recently back in the country. I know, I know, I said my weekend would be void of any drinking, but in defence, I had ONE drink, over the space of 2 hours, and I didn't really enjoy myself. Hence this post.
I was there with only 2 other work people, not including the 'special guest' of the evening being our former work pal, and it was a mildly ok night. However by the end of it, driving home, there was just one continuous thought that could not escape my mind. I don't belong there.
When I first started work at my current employer, the change hit me like a tonne of bricks. I really felt the difference, and I mainly attributed it to ethnic background. All the employers I'd previously worked for had some sort of distinguishable ethnic/cultural background, of which I could easily relate to, due to my own ethnic background. By distinguishable, I mean having a second language, or perhaps living as a second generation Australian, where you still partake in and are an somewhat active participant when it comes to events derived from your parents cultural roots.
And without stereotyping, these sort of people, of who I am clearly a part of, well we are different to the 'others.' We are actively interested in each others lives, we are considerate, and of course the obvious, we have very similar upbringings, having more often than not lived with our parents until marriage, having large families, and a HUGE circle of friends.
Most of the people that work here, are mainly without any cultural associations or have any close ancestral roots. They don't think much of religion, family, and live a fairly wild life. Although I myself am not a preacher, I still firmly believe in a certain kind of religion, and so I have Faith. And at the same time I am a very open believer. I like to see the way different people live, I am open to new things, and I definitely do not judge others. So, although the change was definitely felt, I didn't neccessarily have a freak out about my new surroundings.
It was a very hard first few months. You could even say a hard first year. I found it hard to fit in amongst the very clique-y groups. No one really made an effort with me. I was more used to being babied and catered to when it came to new surroundings. But here I realised that wasn't going to happen. If you didn't talk about your weekend, no one was going to ask. If you didn't try and make friends, no one was going to go out of their way to say hello to you. It was a very fend-for-yourself environment. I am not naturally the loudest person, especially in new situations. And although I'd been building my self-esteem and confidence throughout the years following uni, I still had a long way to go, especially when confronted with what was at work.
However, in time, things sort of fell into place. I think it was both parties coming together at once: I became a bit more foward, and others became a bit more considerate. And I started to realise that the people around here were really pretty good. And they were a lot like me, just trying to get by day to day, fit in, yet have fun. We may all be from different places, but essentially, we all have the same kind of story.
When I'm talking one-on-one with one of my work colleagues, or even if there's a group of us, it's really quite good. We talk, have fun, joke and muck around. As is normal in small teams/departments, you get to really know one other and start to develop your own inside jokes. I really do enjoy the job, I enjoy them, and there are days when something that has been bothering me in my personal non-related work life, just fades away when I'm at work, because things are so easy.
Despite all this, I've noticed more often than not, that when we are all in a social situation, such as having after work drinks, or a colleagues birthday party, that I see the many differences between us all too easily. Perhaps I should re-phrase that. I see all the differences between me and them, all too easily. I used to think that it was just me, and that I needed to speak up more, be more interactive with the group. But knowing how much more confident I am in the workplace now, I really don't believe that to be the case. It's just a case of personality difference.
Either they will bring up a music group, or a song I don't know of. They'll talk about a party they went to, where they had soooooo much fun. A party that I didn't go to, but not because I hadn't been invited; I just didn't feel comfortable, what with their bonging, and smoking behaviour. They'll talk about past friends, past parties. They talk about future gatherings, seedy pubs and bars where they hang out. I know the picture I'm painting of them isn't the nicest, but I did say wild.
And meanwhile I just sit there, smiling, nodding, trying to think of something to say, when I really can't contribute ANYTHING. Because what can I say when I don't like/are a part of/have experienced anything they are saying???
Then when they do start talking about something I can contribute to, by that stage I'm seriously over it. I've started to invert into my shell, I just smile, and nod, and laugh at regular intervals, but I really just want to go home. Which I do end up doing sooner rather than later. I know that they don't do it on purpose, they don't deliberately shut me out. They are just speaking, as a group, so therefore they share their group likes and interests.
So it ends up being a me:them thing. I feel so out of place, so not in my zone, that I can't help being sad. There is nothing I can do, and there is nothing to do, because it's just them being them, and me being me. We're all just being ourselves, which is the most frustrating thing of all.
And it's not that I necessarily hate the difference of interests/likes, the comparison of lifestyles. What I hate is that when they become them, I turn into myself, and go backwards. Instead of opening up and being sure of myself, I become just the opposite. Shy, insecure and nervous. And the fact that they are viewing me as that, well, to them I become that. To them I become shy, insecure and nervous. But I'm not that. To be perceived in that way, is the hardest thing.
I hate it.
And I think that's one of the reasons why I love surprising people so much when it comes to my personality. They think they know me, and BANG!..... they don't.
One of my all-time favourite compliments, is when someone says to me or to someone else "What? Miss S did/said that?"
I love it:)
My earliest memory of ever such a thing, was when I was 16. I had decided during the summer, inspired by Dawson Leery of His-name Creek fame, that I was going to make a documentary of my friends and I over the summer. It was going to be about the transitional period of our lives at that moment, what with growing up, merging into V.C.E, and starting to make future choices for ourselves. It was also going to be biographical, in discovering all of our likes, dislikes, catfights, objects of affection, and most importantly, our friendships with one another.
One thing I did, was when we were in a group environment one day, I got everyone to speak about one person, one of the girls in our group, so that not only we could share our experiences about that person, but so that the person would also get a sense of what they meant to us and how they were perceived. It was perhaps one of the most fun, enlightening and heart-warming things we ever did as a group, as every person that day went home feeling light, happy and loved. I remember my bit, obviously because I edited it old-school way but also because I have it on VCR (!), but my friends cried out "hey! we need to do it on Miss S!"
And so it began, they started listing all my qualities, personality traits. And one of the girls there, said "Miss S is mysterious. You think you know her and then she goes and does something totally unexpected!" They all agreed, talking about times when they'd heard I'd done or said something, the surprising news always ending with "What? Miss S did that??!!"
My best friend, Red, said then "Yes, but that's what she loves. She wants to be mysterious."
Ahhh yes. And that's why Red is still my best friend.
I've never forgotten that moment. Just a fleeting, passing conversation, but it has always stuck in my head. It struck a chord with me, because it was the moment that I myself realised, that what my other friend had said then was true. I was mysterious. And as Red had added, I liked it.
Funnily enough, the friend who actually brought it up, well we're not friends anymore, we had a falling out soon after. But she will always have this weird, unexplained place in my heart, because of what she said. It remains one of my most favourite compliments ever.
And similarly, only a week ago, I had a stressed out work moment. I was working on something, and once I had almost finished I realised that my initial calculations about my project were wrong. It was the end of the day, I had wanted to finish more work, but now all I wanted to do was go home. And I was going to go home unhappy because I hadn't achieved what I'd wanted to for the day. Well, I decided to look at it fresh the next day, but not before leaving a passing goodbye for the wretched thing. I left a comment along the lines of "F*#^ing giving up!"
The next day when I came in, my overnight suspicions had come true: my boss had seen my comment. Luckily enough she was cruisy about it, we had a laugh, and after I assured her that no, I didn't need anyone else to finish it, I just needed the overnight break, I went on with my work. When I spoke about the funny incident to a work colleague, she was laughing, saying that our boss had actually brought it up with her, and had made the comment "Miss S wrote this! I couldn't believe it when I saw it!"
We laughed some more, but even later on I had a small smile that played on my lips, as I realised my great joy at having someone be surprised by my actions. Knowing that they didn't know me as much as they think they did, and therefore, I wasn't the person, the shy, insecure and nervous person that they thought I was, brought me great satisfaction.
And that's what it comes down to I think. Yes, I like portraying myself as a mysterious person. For a fact, I know that people can't get to know me, until I let them. When I'm with MY people, I am Miss S. Confident, talkative, friendly, funny and cheeky all in one. But when I'm not in my zone, I feel out of place, and that's when unfortunately, I revert to bad habits. I become who I'm not, and when others perceive me as something that I definitely am not, that's when it hurts. Because I'm so much more than the protective outer shell I put on display.
So when people who think they know me, discover a crack in my hard case, and suddenly a bright shining light filters through, they get a glimpse of who I am...... and that's when I get happy.
I want to be seen as me. As the true shining person I am.
As essentially, basically and deeply,
as naturally, magnificently and truly,
as only,
always, Miss S.
I guess the answer to that might be along the lines of, "what do you define as 'here'?"
These funny thoughts of mine came as a result of Friday night. In the midst of my work marathon (BTW, 8-2 today!) I went out for some work drinks as part of a catch up we had organised with a former work colleague who is recently back in the country. I know, I know, I said my weekend would be void of any drinking, but in defence, I had ONE drink, over the space of 2 hours, and I didn't really enjoy myself. Hence this post.
I was there with only 2 other work people, not including the 'special guest' of the evening being our former work pal, and it was a mildly ok night. However by the end of it, driving home, there was just one continuous thought that could not escape my mind. I don't belong there.
When I first started work at my current employer, the change hit me like a tonne of bricks. I really felt the difference, and I mainly attributed it to ethnic background. All the employers I'd previously worked for had some sort of distinguishable ethnic/cultural background, of which I could easily relate to, due to my own ethnic background. By distinguishable, I mean having a second language, or perhaps living as a second generation Australian, where you still partake in and are an somewhat active participant when it comes to events derived from your parents cultural roots.
And without stereotyping, these sort of people, of who I am clearly a part of, well we are different to the 'others.' We are actively interested in each others lives, we are considerate, and of course the obvious, we have very similar upbringings, having more often than not lived with our parents until marriage, having large families, and a HUGE circle of friends.
Most of the people that work here, are mainly without any cultural associations or have any close ancestral roots. They don't think much of religion, family, and live a fairly wild life. Although I myself am not a preacher, I still firmly believe in a certain kind of religion, and so I have Faith. And at the same time I am a very open believer. I like to see the way different people live, I am open to new things, and I definitely do not judge others. So, although the change was definitely felt, I didn't neccessarily have a freak out about my new surroundings.
It was a very hard first few months. You could even say a hard first year. I found it hard to fit in amongst the very clique-y groups. No one really made an effort with me. I was more used to being babied and catered to when it came to new surroundings. But here I realised that wasn't going to happen. If you didn't talk about your weekend, no one was going to ask. If you didn't try and make friends, no one was going to go out of their way to say hello to you. It was a very fend-for-yourself environment. I am not naturally the loudest person, especially in new situations. And although I'd been building my self-esteem and confidence throughout the years following uni, I still had a long way to go, especially when confronted with what was at work.
However, in time, things sort of fell into place. I think it was both parties coming together at once: I became a bit more foward, and others became a bit more considerate. And I started to realise that the people around here were really pretty good. And they were a lot like me, just trying to get by day to day, fit in, yet have fun. We may all be from different places, but essentially, we all have the same kind of story.
When I'm talking one-on-one with one of my work colleagues, or even if there's a group of us, it's really quite good. We talk, have fun, joke and muck around. As is normal in small teams/departments, you get to really know one other and start to develop your own inside jokes. I really do enjoy the job, I enjoy them, and there are days when something that has been bothering me in my personal non-related work life, just fades away when I'm at work, because things are so easy.
Despite all this, I've noticed more often than not, that when we are all in a social situation, such as having after work drinks, or a colleagues birthday party, that I see the many differences between us all too easily. Perhaps I should re-phrase that. I see all the differences between me and them, all too easily. I used to think that it was just me, and that I needed to speak up more, be more interactive with the group. But knowing how much more confident I am in the workplace now, I really don't believe that to be the case. It's just a case of personality difference.
Either they will bring up a music group, or a song I don't know of. They'll talk about a party they went to, where they had soooooo much fun. A party that I didn't go to, but not because I hadn't been invited; I just didn't feel comfortable, what with their bonging, and smoking behaviour. They'll talk about past friends, past parties. They talk about future gatherings, seedy pubs and bars where they hang out. I know the picture I'm painting of them isn't the nicest, but I did say wild.
And meanwhile I just sit there, smiling, nodding, trying to think of something to say, when I really can't contribute ANYTHING. Because what can I say when I don't like/are a part of/have experienced anything they are saying???
Then when they do start talking about something I can contribute to, by that stage I'm seriously over it. I've started to invert into my shell, I just smile, and nod, and laugh at regular intervals, but I really just want to go home. Which I do end up doing sooner rather than later. I know that they don't do it on purpose, they don't deliberately shut me out. They are just speaking, as a group, so therefore they share their group likes and interests.
So it ends up being a me:them thing. I feel so out of place, so not in my zone, that I can't help being sad. There is nothing I can do, and there is nothing to do, because it's just them being them, and me being me. We're all just being ourselves, which is the most frustrating thing of all.
And it's not that I necessarily hate the difference of interests/likes, the comparison of lifestyles. What I hate is that when they become them, I turn into myself, and go backwards. Instead of opening up and being sure of myself, I become just the opposite. Shy, insecure and nervous. And the fact that they are viewing me as that, well, to them I become that. To them I become shy, insecure and nervous. But I'm not that. To be perceived in that way, is the hardest thing.
I hate it.
And I think that's one of the reasons why I love surprising people so much when it comes to my personality. They think they know me, and BANG!..... they don't.
One of my all-time favourite compliments, is when someone says to me or to someone else "What? Miss S did/said that?"
I love it:)
My earliest memory of ever such a thing, was when I was 16. I had decided during the summer, inspired by Dawson Leery of His-name Creek fame, that I was going to make a documentary of my friends and I over the summer. It was going to be about the transitional period of our lives at that moment, what with growing up, merging into V.C.E, and starting to make future choices for ourselves. It was also going to be biographical, in discovering all of our likes, dislikes, catfights, objects of affection, and most importantly, our friendships with one another.
One thing I did, was when we were in a group environment one day, I got everyone to speak about one person, one of the girls in our group, so that not only we could share our experiences about that person, but so that the person would also get a sense of what they meant to us and how they were perceived. It was perhaps one of the most fun, enlightening and heart-warming things we ever did as a group, as every person that day went home feeling light, happy and loved. I remember my bit, obviously because I edited it old-school way but also because I have it on VCR (!), but my friends cried out "hey! we need to do it on Miss S!"
And so it began, they started listing all my qualities, personality traits. And one of the girls there, said "Miss S is mysterious. You think you know her and then she goes and does something totally unexpected!" They all agreed, talking about times when they'd heard I'd done or said something, the surprising news always ending with "What? Miss S did that??!!"
My best friend, Red, said then "Yes, but that's what she loves. She wants to be mysterious."
Ahhh yes. And that's why Red is still my best friend.
I've never forgotten that moment. Just a fleeting, passing conversation, but it has always stuck in my head. It struck a chord with me, because it was the moment that I myself realised, that what my other friend had said then was true. I was mysterious. And as Red had added, I liked it.
Funnily enough, the friend who actually brought it up, well we're not friends anymore, we had a falling out soon after. But she will always have this weird, unexplained place in my heart, because of what she said. It remains one of my most favourite compliments ever.
And similarly, only a week ago, I had a stressed out work moment. I was working on something, and once I had almost finished I realised that my initial calculations about my project were wrong. It was the end of the day, I had wanted to finish more work, but now all I wanted to do was go home. And I was going to go home unhappy because I hadn't achieved what I'd wanted to for the day. Well, I decided to look at it fresh the next day, but not before leaving a passing goodbye for the wretched thing. I left a comment along the lines of "F*#^ing giving up!"
The next day when I came in, my overnight suspicions had come true: my boss had seen my comment. Luckily enough she was cruisy about it, we had a laugh, and after I assured her that no, I didn't need anyone else to finish it, I just needed the overnight break, I went on with my work. When I spoke about the funny incident to a work colleague, she was laughing, saying that our boss had actually brought it up with her, and had made the comment "Miss S wrote this! I couldn't believe it when I saw it!"
We laughed some more, but even later on I had a small smile that played on my lips, as I realised my great joy at having someone be surprised by my actions. Knowing that they didn't know me as much as they think they did, and therefore, I wasn't the person, the shy, insecure and nervous person that they thought I was, brought me great satisfaction.
And that's what it comes down to I think. Yes, I like portraying myself as a mysterious person. For a fact, I know that people can't get to know me, until I let them. When I'm with MY people, I am Miss S. Confident, talkative, friendly, funny and cheeky all in one. But when I'm not in my zone, I feel out of place, and that's when unfortunately, I revert to bad habits. I become who I'm not, and when others perceive me as something that I definitely am not, that's when it hurts. Because I'm so much more than the protective outer shell I put on display.
So when people who think they know me, discover a crack in my hard case, and suddenly a bright shining light filters through, they get a glimpse of who I am...... and that's when I get happy.
I want to be seen as me. As the true shining person I am.
As essentially, basically and deeply,
as naturally, magnificently and truly,
as only,
always, Miss S.
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