I had a big night on Monday. There came many realisations, tears, and after a few too many glasses of wine, acceptance and truth.
I've had a while to think about it.
I've actually had over a month to think about all the things that have been bothering me this last while. And although I blogged about my fainting episode a while back, there was an earlier episode that occurred only days before I fainted, which had me wondering whether my fainting was episodal, or karmic-al, if there is such a word.
Without going on about it too much, there was a family gathering of sorts. And someone close in the family offended me, very, very deeply.
Some could say I was right to speak up. Others may say that I was being overly sensitive, and looking too much into things. All I can say to that is, the way I have been brought up, if someone speaks in an overly condescending and arrogant way to someone else, with a continual air of attitude and self-righteousness, well they deserve to be told off.
So I spoke up to someone's negativity, and that person felt my anger.
This person has said stupid stuff before. And upset others more than they've upset me. But this time, after this night, I could not let it go. I was beyond mad. I was seething with anger, my blood was boiling and tears threatened to spill out every time I even thought of saying their name.
I was starting to feel that I could NEVER get over this. Ever. When you look at it, you may say to yourself "but it wasn't even that bad." But the culmination of receiving this attitude over the years, and the way it was put on the night, was as they say, the straw that broke the camels back. And it snapped me in half.
It placed stress on me. Very heavily, because everytime I thought of this person, or they were mentioned, a sarcastic smile would cross my face. I was mad.
It didn't threaten, but it did make things difficult between Hubbie and I. We had various heated talks. Heated because although he saw where I was coming from, he had been himself in my position so many times, and felt the anger himself, that he knew it was pointless. He claimed, that despite some of the negativity put out by this person, behind the flamboyant mouth lay a good-intentioned person.
I just couldn't accept that. I do not believe that a person should get a green card to do certain things which are normally deemed inappropriate, purely because overall "their heart is in the right place." This boils me to my core. It is absolutely ludicrous that someone should be let off the hook, and allowed to treat people disrespectfully, I don't care how good their intentions are.
In and out, in and out. The argument, all that was said, all the possible FUTURE disagreements..... this was going in and out of my head for weeks. And during this time, I fainted. I don't know if it was my increased sense of awareness due to my sudden intense and underlying anger, but I found myself constantly "accidentally" knocking into things at home, hitting myself, my arm, my leg, my toe, etc, etc.
I became increasingly aware of my foul language. Every sentence was "f, f, f..." and it wasn't even angry talk when I said it. It was being used as a word when there was absolutely no neccessary need to insert it in the sentence. However I did something good here: I started a swear jar, and in 4 to 5 days my swearing had significantly dropped. So that I was proud of.
But everything else.... I just felt as if I was bad. Things were going bad. And on Monday afternoon, driving home from work, I could have quite easily been wiped off the road. In a second. It wasn't even my fault, and the idiot driver could have removed me from the road indefinitely, and he didn't even look up to acknowledge his mistake.
That really stirred me. Shook me up a bit, in a day where there were countless things that seemed to be weighing on me. Future financial issues, (how are we gonna pay for all our new house items and renovations, and get that new car, and save for an investment and somehow live in our dream home one day?) worried about people close to me, (why do they keep doing this, I want to save them, help them, get them out of this cycle of bad decisions) and then THAT incident, the angry confrontation that every time I thought of it made me frown, quite literally.
I was seriously feeling low. Not only because of what had been occurring in my life, and all the worries that plagued my mind, but low because I was seeing everything that had recently happened in my life, as a cycle.
As Karma.
A cycle that had begun at around the time of that disappointing weekend, when I'd spoken up to some unreasonable behaviour.
This was something I just couldn't fathom, I couldn't grasp. I held such a strong belief in karma, belief in the balance of negative and positive energies, belief that what you put out you get back. So then why should I be receiving any negativity in my life, when I've done nothing wrong?
The way I believe in God, and my Faith, that's the same way I look at Karma. I just know it. I know it exists, and there is no need for hard evidence to determine its existence, because I see it in other peoples lives and in my life. So to believe so strongly in something, and then start to question IT, question YOURSELF, because suddenly, Karma is rearing its ugly head at YOU. But you're not bad.................. right..... ?
That's a scary thing. When you believe something so strongly, and something happens to make you question it. The feeling inside you is lost. You don't know what to believe, what to think, because suddenly, one of your very basic morals and rules of existence, seems shattered.
But then you start to think... If it's not your principle belief that is wrong, what does that say about me? Am I wrong? Why is Karma treating me so bad, making these things happen, when I believe in IT! I believe in it with every part of me that is in this world....
And that is what hurts. Much like unrequited love or affections, when you love someone and that someone doesn't give you the same love back. You believe in Karma, but karma isn't giving you a break.
So, after a tearful preparation of dinner, with my accusations at Hubbie that "he doesn't understand," and "you're not listening," we ate dinner. Poured a few glasses of wine.
And began to talk. I said everything. I told him my future worries, present fears, past angers, and finally admitted that I was scared. Was my intense anger, that I held deep within me, towards that family member, the catalyst that triggered the karmic wave of negativity towards me? I was putting out negative energy, so therefore I was receiving it back?
But how can that be, when all I did that night was speak up! Yes, speak up...... but my problem thereafter was that I held on to my anger, when I should've let it go. The air of negativity around me when I spoke that person's name, or thought of them, could have been cut with a knife.
Things started to look better on my second glass of wine.
Karma hadn't done anything to me, nor would it ever do anything to me. It was simply reacting to what I put out. I was the one that had created the negative cycle, and despite my unwavering belief, I should have known that not even I, believer of all Karmic energies, would be resistant to its power.
So, I had not done wrong, but I had put out bad energy, very bad. And karma was only responding to that. It had nothing to do with me as a person, and everything to do with my actions and intentions.
Which is reassuring. If you think about it, good people and bad people don't exist. It's their actions and what they put out to the world that create their 'bad' or 'good' personas. So no matter who you are, whether you're overall 'bad' in your intentions or 'good,' Karma's energy force will balance you out.
Not to say that you can easily pigeonhole people into two groups: that is in itself an entirely different blog. But for these purposes, you can categorise people according to their intentions.
On to my third glass of wine and I was a happy chappy. All was well in my world again. I wasn't going to let go of my anger straight away, even overnight. But I was going to try. And I was going to have to try and suppress my strong desire to let people know they're wrong when they're wrong, especially when it came to this person. I was gonna let it all go, because you know what?
Karma gets you in the end. And that's the way it should be.
Cheers to balance in this world.
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